1
00:00:08,505 --> 00:00:11,264
Erm...
2
00:00:11,265 --> 00:00:15,065
Wh... This is the entertainment
committee for the home, innit?
3
00:00:15,122 --> 00:00:15,641
Yeah.
4
00:00:15,642 --> 00:00:18,162
Yeah. Erm, we're
planning a cabaret night.
5
00:00:18,163 --> 00:00:20,521
- Innit?
- Yeah. We, erm...
6
00:00:20,522 --> 00:00:24,160
We used to get a professional act
to come in and... and do, er...
7
00:00:24,161 --> 00:00:25,920
a show, but now we haven't
got a budget for that, so...
8
00:00:25,921 --> 00:00:27,040
We can't afford it.
9
00:00:27,041 --> 00:00:28,400
No. But it doesn't matter,
because we'll do it ourselves.
10
00:00:28,401 --> 00:00:30,080
Do it ourselves, innit? Erm...
11
00:00:30,081 --> 00:00:32,280
Er, I'm doing my, erm, puppet act,
12
00:00:32,281 --> 00:00:33,840
my... what is it, my bem...
13
00:00:33,841 --> 00:00:35,640
what is it, bem... triquilism?
14
00:00:35,641 --> 00:00:36,282
Ventrilo... Ventricosilum, mate.
15
00:00:36,283 --> 00:00:38,601
What? Ventricolism.
16
00:00:38,602 --> 00:00:39,961
Ventriloquism.
17
00:00:39,962 --> 00:00:40,521
What?
18
00:00:40,522 --> 00:00:41,721
Ventriloquism.
19
00:00:41,722 --> 00:00:42,241
Ven...
20
00:00:42,242 --> 00:00:43,801
Ven-tricka-silum.
21
00:00:43,802 --> 00:00:45,161
Should be good.
22
00:00:45,162 --> 00:00:48,280
Duran Duran, film script from 1998,
I wrote it.
23
00:00:48,281 --> 00:00:49,640
How can we do a film?
24
00:00:49,641 --> 00:00:51,040
- We'll make a play of the film.
- Do a play of it.
25
00:00:51,041 --> 00:00:52,682
Didn't get off the ground, this.
26
00:00:52,683 --> 00:00:53,201
Why?
27
00:00:53,202 --> 00:00:54,800
Because it's who you know, mate.
28
00:00:54,801 --> 00:00:56,322
- Hang on, you've written all that?
- Yeah.
29
00:00:56,323 --> 00:00:58,441
- Have you?
- Yeah.
30
00:00:58,442 --> 00:01:00,160
Hang on, you haven't
written anything!
31
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:02,422
I thought it was a full pad -
you've done four or five pages!
32
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:03,875
Have you written
a film script, mate?
33
00:01:03,876 --> 00:01:05,877
You haven't! It's four
or five pages here!
34
00:01:05,907 --> 00:01:07,847
It's hard work.
It's hard work, mate.
35
00:01:07,918 --> 00:01:09,796
Bullet points. Improvisation.
36
00:01:09,797 --> 00:01:12,236
Hang on, get off - is that one
of the bullet points, is it?
37
00:01:12,237 --> 00:01:15,118
What's that? A little knob with
wings - is that a bullet point?
38
00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:15,727
Dickie bird.
39
00:01:15,728 --> 00:01:18,249
When does that crop up
in the Simon Le Bon life story?
40
00:01:18,250 --> 00:01:19,528
Dunno.
41
00:01:19,529 --> 00:01:22,087
What else have you done here?
Get off! You got it out!
42
00:01:22,088 --> 00:01:24,727
I'm allowed to have a look at it.
If you want to put it on, Kev,
43
00:01:24,728 --> 00:01:27,207
you've got to have your critics.
Ooh, there's a good one -
44
00:01:27,208 --> 00:01:28,847
- what is going on there?
- It's my cousin.
45
00:01:28,848 --> 00:01:29,929
What's he doing?
46
00:01:29,930 --> 00:01:33,168
Sucking his own knob -
I documented it.
47
00:01:33,169 --> 00:01:37,047
- What is going on in your head?
- What's going on in his head?
48
00:01:37,048 --> 00:01:39,927
It's just shit, Kev, it's
just scrawlings of a mad man.
49
00:01:39,928 --> 00:01:42,047
Put that in the minutes.
Top of the bill.
50
00:01:42,048 --> 00:01:44,967
"Duran Duran play, written
and directed by Kevin Twine."
51
00:01:44,968 --> 00:01:47,887
- And I'm going to play John Taylor,
if you please.
- And I'll play Duran Duran.
52
00:01:47,888 --> 00:01:49,287
What? I'll play Duran Duran.
53
00:01:49,288 --> 00:01:51,647
Duran Duran is the band -
do you mean Simon Le Bon?
54
00:01:51,648 --> 00:01:52,689
Yeah, Simon The Bomb.
55
00:01:52,690 --> 00:01:54,808
Simon Le Bon, not The Bomb.
56
00:01:54,809 --> 00:01:57,929
Le Bon! Bloody hell! I know Simon
Le Bon has let himself go a bit,
57
00:01:57,930 --> 00:02:00,088
but Christ, look at that!
58
00:02:00,089 --> 00:02:02,288
Take a look at that. Casting.
59
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:02,967
I'll do that.
60
00:02:02,968 --> 00:02:04,049
What, you'll do casting?
61
00:02:04,050 --> 00:02:05,328
Yeah, what is it?
62
00:02:05,329 --> 00:02:07,927
- Why volunteer for stuff that
you don't even know what it is?
- What is it?
63
00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:09,569
It means choosing
who's going to play what.
64
00:02:09,570 --> 00:02:10,888
Yeah, I'll do that.
65
00:02:10,889 --> 00:02:12,289
Well, we've sorted that one out.
66
00:02:12,290 --> 00:02:12,808
Yeah.
67
00:02:12,809 --> 00:02:15,687
- Right, we need wigs, we need costumes...
- Old ladies have got wigs here.
68
00:02:15,688 --> 00:02:17,687
The boys did have
horrendous haircuts.
69
00:02:17,688 --> 00:02:20,407
And they used to wear blouses
and leggings. Get to it, mate.
70
00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:22,049
- I'll go through their wardrobes.
- Go through their wardrobes.
71
00:02:22,050 --> 00:02:23,088
Yeah.
72
00:02:23,089 --> 00:02:24,968
The Play, coming soon.
73
00:02:24,969 --> 00:02:27,128
And my ven-tri-qui... ism act.
74
00:02:27,129 --> 00:02:28,647
Ven... Ventrileriler...
75
00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:29,167
Quisilism.
76
00:02:29,168 --> 00:02:30,847
- Ven-triter-quiter... ism.
- Ventriloquism.
77
00:02:30,848 --> 00:02:31,789
- What?
- Ventriloquism.
78
00:02:31,790 --> 00:02:33,011
Ven-tril..ismism.
79
00:02:33,066 --> 00:02:34,229
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
80
00:02:34,314 --> 00:02:36,414
What about a stag beetle and a...
81
00:02:36,494 --> 00:02:39,534
like, a frog, if it
had a pair of pliers?
82
00:02:41,134 --> 00:02:42,852
- Is that him now?
- Oh... yep.
83
00:02:42,853 --> 00:02:45,852
We've got, erm, a bloke coming
in to do community service today,
84
00:02:45,853 --> 00:02:47,932
so I have to go and sign him in.
85
00:02:47,933 --> 00:02:51,934
I likes it when community service
people start. Interesting.
86
00:02:55,134 --> 00:02:58,733
And then this is
the main... room, really.
87
00:02:58,734 --> 00:03:02,174
Yeah, erm, they said I could do,
like, music therapy?
88
00:03:02,175 --> 00:03:04,013
Oh, brilliant!
89
00:03:04,014 --> 00:03:06,492
Yeah, but these lot
ain't gonna like my shit.
90
00:03:06,493 --> 00:03:08,332
Oh, they will, they'll love it.
91
00:03:08,333 --> 00:03:09,652
- This is Derek.
- Hello.
92
00:03:09,653 --> 00:03:11,454
This is Deon. He's a musician.
93
00:03:11,455 --> 00:03:12,973
What do you play?
94
00:03:12,974 --> 00:03:16,573
Mmm? Oh, my voice is my instrument.
95
00:03:16,574 --> 00:03:17,614
Split wires, innit?
96
00:03:17,615 --> 00:03:18,773
What?
97
00:03:18,774 --> 00:03:20,133
I rap.
98
00:03:20,134 --> 00:03:22,173
Will Smith.
99
00:03:22,174 --> 00:03:23,853
No, more like 2Pac.
100
00:03:23,854 --> 00:03:25,173
Two what?
101
00:03:25,174 --> 00:03:27,333
Pac.
102
00:03:27,334 --> 00:03:31,334
Razors.
103
00:03:32,494 --> 00:03:34,452
This is the worst gig ever, man.
104
00:03:34,453 --> 00:03:36,092
Feels like a nightmare, man.
105
00:03:36,093 --> 00:03:39,174
You just wait till you have to
change their bed pans!
106
00:03:39,175 --> 00:03:40,773
Yeah.
107
00:03:40,774 --> 00:03:42,893
Don't throw away my tadpoles.
108
00:03:42,894 --> 00:03:44,372
I'm going to show him round.
109
00:03:44,373 --> 00:03:45,414
Yeah, introduce him.
110
00:03:45,415 --> 00:03:45,973
Right.
111
00:03:45,974 --> 00:03:47,173
See you later.
112
00:03:47,174 --> 00:03:49,253
Sya.
113
00:03:49,254 --> 00:03:52,413
Joan, Prem...
114
00:03:52,414 --> 00:03:53,613
What is it, Deon?
115
00:03:53,614 --> 00:03:54,893
Deon, yeah.
116
00:03:54,894 --> 00:03:56,773
Yeah, he's fit, yeah!
117
00:03:56,774 --> 00:03:59,253
Yeah, I'd hit it.
118
00:03:59,254 --> 00:04:03,134
Nothing serious - I don't want to
get married or nothing, but...
119
00:04:03,135 --> 00:04:06,213
Yeah, a black kid
would be nice, though.
120
00:04:06,214 --> 00:04:08,772
Especially as most of my
family have got ginger kids.
121
00:04:08,773 --> 00:04:11,452
Ain't got nothing against
ginger people, it's just...
122
00:04:11,453 --> 00:04:13,734
there is a lot of prejudice
against them in society,
123
00:04:13,735 --> 00:04:16,653
do you know what I mean?
124
00:04:16,654 --> 00:04:18,413
You know, er...
125
00:04:18,414 --> 00:04:21,934
You know all this silliness about
blacks and whites being different
126
00:04:21,935 --> 00:04:25,053
and all that? Bullshit, innit?
127
00:04:25,054 --> 00:04:28,413
I mean, we all create
the same semen.
128
00:04:28,414 --> 00:04:30,693
Yeah, that is true, technically.
129
00:04:30,694 --> 00:04:34,694
I produce a beaker-load a week,
mate.
130
00:04:37,214 --> 00:04:40,613
- Blacks and whites unite.
- Nnn...
131
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:44,413
And Chinkies.
132
00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:48,414
This is where he is, look.
133
00:04:48,454 --> 00:04:49,573
Douglas!
134
00:04:49,574 --> 00:04:50,773
What?
135
00:04:50,774 --> 00:04:52,453
Meet Deon.
136
00:04:52,454 --> 00:04:54,972
He's started working here -
community service work.
137
00:04:54,973 --> 00:04:57,374
This is Douglas. He's the caretaker
and he fixes stuff.
138
00:04:57,375 --> 00:04:58,813
What are you fixing?
139
00:04:58,814 --> 00:05:01,173
DVD. DVD's got stuck.
140
00:05:01,174 --> 00:05:02,812
He does all that, don't ya?
141
00:05:02,813 --> 00:05:04,012
- Do it all, yeah.
- What else do you do?
142
00:05:04,013 --> 00:05:06,452
- Do it all, yeah. Whatever needs doing.
- Yeah.
143
00:05:06,453 --> 00:05:08,812
It's my job description -
if it needs doing, do it.
144
00:05:08,813 --> 00:05:10,692
You... you don't live in here, do you?
145
00:05:10,693 --> 00:05:13,372
I spend most of my time
in here, yeah, if I can. Why?
146
00:05:13,373 --> 00:05:15,612
- What, what...?
- No, it's cool, man, it's just...
147
00:05:15,613 --> 00:05:17,972
different world for me -
I'm used to, like,
148
00:05:17,973 --> 00:05:21,092
being on stages,
doing my rap and all of that.
149
00:05:21,093 --> 00:05:24,172
But that doesn't get all the problems sorted
in the world, does it, standing on stage?
150
00:05:24,173 --> 00:05:26,412
No, bruv, you can change
the world with lyrics.
151
00:05:26,413 --> 00:05:28,052
- No, you can't.
- No, you can, man.
152
00:05:28,053 --> 00:05:29,612
What... what song, what
lyrics changed the world?
153
00:05:29,613 --> 00:05:31,372
Do the lyrics. Do some lyrics.
154
00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:33,332
- Er, all right...
- The lesson is incession.
155
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,292
You want to do a white man's
oppression?
156
00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:36,972
Click, click, bang! My suggestion...
157
00:05:36,973 --> 00:05:38,532
- What's all that about?
- No, not...
158
00:05:38,533 --> 00:05:40,014
I didn't hear any of that, I don't
know what you were going on about.
159
00:05:40,015 --> 00:05:41,653
I was just, you know...
160
00:05:41,654 --> 00:05:42,772
Do you know Neil Diamond,
I Am... I Said?
161
00:05:42,773 --> 00:05:44,812
He says there's too many singers,
don't you?
162
00:05:44,813 --> 00:05:47,372
- There's too many!
- Yeah, but I'm not like...
163
00:05:47,373 --> 00:05:48,492
no-one else, do you get me?
164
00:05:48,493 --> 00:05:49,892
Everybody says that, though.
165
00:05:49,893 --> 00:05:52,852
That's what everybody says on
X Factor, Britain's Got Talent.
166
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,012
"I'm different." No, you're not -
you're the same
167
00:05:55,013 --> 00:05:57,174
as the other knobhead
who was just on. Get a trade.
168
00:05:57,175 --> 00:05:58,933
Makes me laugh.
169
00:05:58,934 --> 00:06:02,412
They send them here as punishment.
Hilarious, isn't it?
170
00:06:02,413 --> 00:06:05,134
He does something wrong
and they send them here.
171
00:06:05,135 --> 00:06:09,134
What have I done?
I've been here ten years.
172
00:06:09,734 --> 00:06:12,293
Why are you here?
173
00:06:12,294 --> 00:06:13,254
Why do you think?
174
00:06:13,255 --> 00:06:14,693
I don't know.
175
00:06:14,694 --> 00:06:18,453
It's cos of the racism
inherent in society, isn't it?
176
00:06:18,454 --> 00:06:20,733
Is it? No...
177
00:06:20,734 --> 00:06:23,133
What did you do?
178
00:06:23,134 --> 00:06:25,494
The police followed me
through a shopping centre
179
00:06:25,495 --> 00:06:28,813
and arrested me
for stealing some trainers.
180
00:06:28,814 --> 00:06:32,814
What, and you hadn't stolen
the trainers?
181
00:06:33,174 --> 00:06:34,852
That's neither here nor there -
182
00:06:34,853 --> 00:06:37,214
if they weren't following I wouldn't
have been arrested, would I?
183
00:06:37,215 --> 00:06:38,653
No.
184
00:06:38,654 --> 00:06:41,733
But did you steal the trainers?
185
00:06:41,734 --> 00:06:44,894
They followed me assuming
that I would steal something
186
00:06:44,895 --> 00:06:46,973
cos I was black.
187
00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:50,013
And then you stole the trainers?
188
00:06:50,014 --> 00:06:52,213
We all make mistakes.
189
00:06:52,214 --> 00:06:54,373
You're nice, though, anyway.
190
00:06:54,374 --> 00:06:56,413
How do you know that?
191
00:06:56,414 --> 00:06:58,373
I can tell.
192
00:06:58,374 --> 00:07:02,093
Joan says sometimes
good people do bad things
193
00:07:02,094 --> 00:07:04,573
so give 'em a second chance.
194
00:07:04,574 --> 00:07:05,853
Wait, who is Joan?
195
00:07:05,854 --> 00:07:08,573
Old lady what lived here.
196
00:07:08,574 --> 00:07:12,213
But she died.
197
00:07:12,214 --> 00:07:15,053
She was wise
cos she lived a long time
198
00:07:15,054 --> 00:07:18,453
so she knew lots of stuff,
and she told me it.
199
00:07:18,454 --> 00:07:20,934
And it upsets me
just thinking about her
200
00:07:20,935 --> 00:07:24,934
because I... I loved her so much.
201
00:07:27,454 --> 00:07:31,454
Sorry, bruv.
202
00:07:32,094 --> 00:07:36,094
I knew you was nice.
203
00:07:36,814 --> 00:07:38,533
Curly.
204
00:07:38,534 --> 00:07:39,694
Yeah. Yeah, I'm black.
205
00:07:39,695 --> 00:07:41,453
Whatever.
206
00:07:41,454 --> 00:07:44,653
I loves Deon. He's a rapper,
207
00:07:44,654 --> 00:07:47,732
probably on Top of the Pops
or something, you know?
208
00:07:47,733 --> 00:07:50,772
He made a mistake
where he took some trainers
209
00:07:50,773 --> 00:07:53,532
cos he didn't have any money
and he wanted them,
210
00:07:53,533 --> 00:07:56,172
like, Ј100 or something,
but he won't do it again.
211
00:07:56,173 --> 00:07:58,132
I said, "Do you want my trainers?"
212
00:07:58,133 --> 00:08:02,134
He went "No, you're all right, bruv"
and that's the way he talks.
213
00:08:03,334 --> 00:08:07,134
When he's a pop star he can have
all the trainers he wants anyway.
214
00:08:07,135 --> 00:08:10,933
So... why are you in here, then?
215
00:08:10,934 --> 00:08:12,453
Nicked some shoes.
216
00:08:12,454 --> 00:08:14,973
Shut up. I nick shoes!
217
00:08:14,974 --> 00:08:18,773
Well, no, I did nick shoes.
218
00:08:18,774 --> 00:08:20,973
Yeah, you responsible now, yeah?
219
00:08:20,974 --> 00:08:23,253
Well, things to do.
220
00:08:23,254 --> 00:08:25,534
So, is that like your uniform then?
221
00:08:25,535 --> 00:08:28,053
Yeah, keeps your clothes clean.
222
00:08:28,054 --> 00:08:31,654
No, it's cool like, you know.
You look kind of look like a nurse.
223
00:08:31,655 --> 00:08:35,013
But not...
Not NHS, you know what I'm saying?
224
00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:38,093
Like BUPA, do you know what I mean?
225
00:08:38,094 --> 00:08:41,774
Like, I picture you, like,
coming into like a plush room,
226
00:08:41,775 --> 00:08:43,653
grapes and that.
227
00:08:43,654 --> 00:08:47,373
Sky Sports, you get me?
228
00:08:47,374 --> 00:08:49,813
Thanks.
229
00:08:49,814 --> 00:08:52,252
So was you, like,
in the riots and that?
230
00:08:52,253 --> 00:08:55,132
I was masked up,
you wouldn't recognise me,
231
00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:58,212
do you know what I mean, but?
'He's nice, yeah he's good.'
232
00:08:58,213 --> 00:09:00,652
He's got a lot of front,
but, you know,
233
00:09:00,653 --> 00:09:02,732
he's about as gangster as Elmo,
234
00:09:02,733 --> 00:09:04,092
but he's a good bloke.
235
00:09:04,093 --> 00:09:07,094
I mean, he might not let on
he's a good bloke, but he is.
236
00:09:07,095 --> 00:09:10,333
It's all right, man. I mean...
237
00:09:10,334 --> 00:09:14,334
One thing the camera can't pick up
is, like, the smell.
238
00:09:14,654 --> 00:09:17,533
It smells like Oxfam in there.
239
00:09:17,534 --> 00:09:21,534
But, you know, it could be worse.
It could be prison, right?
240
00:09:21,854 --> 00:09:24,612
And like I've got none of that
physical threat here,
241
00:09:24,613 --> 00:09:26,694
I'm grateful for that.
You know, like,
242
00:09:26,695 --> 00:09:29,653
I could beat up anyone in here.
243
00:09:29,654 --> 00:09:33,092
I'm supposed to do, like, a meet
and greet, innit? So greetings.
244
00:09:33,093 --> 00:09:37,094
Oh, well, it's lovely to see you,
I hope you're very happy here.
245
00:09:37,734 --> 00:09:39,772
Would you mind going round
and asking everyone
246
00:09:39,773 --> 00:09:40,892
if they fancy a cup of tea,
247
00:09:40,893 --> 00:09:43,372
and maybe having a bit of a chat
with one or two of them,
248
00:09:43,373 --> 00:09:44,612
just cos it would be nice?
249
00:09:44,613 --> 00:09:46,092
What do you mean chat, though?
250
00:09:46,093 --> 00:09:47,812
Well, like a bit of conversation.
251
00:09:47,813 --> 00:09:50,054
Yeah, but I don't think I'm ready.
252
00:09:50,055 --> 00:09:52,533
Coloured boy.
253
00:09:52,534 --> 00:09:56,534
A lovely coloured boy.
254
00:09:59,654 --> 00:10:02,732
Are you all right, darling?
How are you doing?
255
00:10:02,733 --> 00:10:04,654
Little coloured boy, yeah, lovely.
256
00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:10,493
Do you want a cup of tea?
257
00:10:10,494 --> 00:10:14,494
Do I?
258
00:10:15,574 --> 00:10:18,853
Come on, Lizzie,
come and have a sit down.
259
00:10:18,854 --> 00:10:20,973
Fancy a cup of tea?
260
00:10:20,974 --> 00:10:24,974
Yeah? Shall we get a chair then?
261
00:10:35,374 --> 00:10:38,292
Deon, hey, we're having
a cabaret Saturday here
262
00:10:38,293 --> 00:10:42,134
and I'm in charge of casting,
so do you want to be in Duran Duran?
263
00:10:42,135 --> 00:10:43,773
- Derek?
- What?
264
00:10:43,774 --> 00:10:46,972
There were no black people
in Duran Duran. Think.
265
00:10:46,973 --> 00:10:49,252
Well, do you want to do
your own rap or something?
266
00:10:49,253 --> 00:10:50,814
I don't think so, bruv.
267
00:10:50,815 --> 00:10:52,293
No? The offer's open.
268
00:10:52,294 --> 00:10:53,654
No, I don't think so.
269
00:10:53,655 --> 00:10:57,654
Yeah, I know there wasn't,
but we got wigs.
270
00:11:00,734 --> 00:11:02,972
Wigs and clothes and that
for Duran Duran.
271
00:11:02,973 --> 00:11:04,454
On a mission, on a mission.
272
00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:05,573
Off the ladies.
273
00:11:05,574 --> 00:11:08,014
Now that is John Taylor,
is that John Taylor or what?
274
00:11:08,015 --> 00:11:09,333
Can I borrow that?
275
00:11:09,334 --> 00:11:12,614
Yeah, be careful with it though,
that's, like, my best thing.
276
00:11:12,615 --> 00:11:15,013
I'll have that as well.
277
00:11:15,014 --> 00:11:16,612
Same pout, same expression,
278
00:11:16,613 --> 00:11:20,414
it's like Nick Rhodes' head
on your desk, we'll have that.
279
00:11:20,415 --> 00:11:21,973
Ta-ta.
280
00:11:21,974 --> 00:11:25,974
Knickers?
281
00:11:32,254 --> 00:11:35,054
Do you want to be, um...
Who is the drummer?
282
00:11:35,055 --> 00:11:36,693
Roger Taylor, mate!
283
00:11:36,694 --> 00:11:38,774
Yeah, do you want to be
Roger Taylor?
284
00:11:38,775 --> 00:11:40,453
- Who?
- Roger Taylor.
285
00:11:40,454 --> 00:11:41,813
Who's he?
286
00:11:41,814 --> 00:11:44,254
The drummer, you just have to
sit behind the drums.
287
00:11:44,255 --> 00:11:46,093
Me? I don't do the drums.
288
00:11:46,094 --> 00:11:49,813
No, no, no.
289
00:11:49,814 --> 00:11:52,214
Just have to, you can be him, right?
290
00:11:52,215 --> 00:11:54,373
Do you want to be...?
291
00:11:54,374 --> 00:11:55,733
Whatever, whatever.
292
00:11:55,734 --> 00:11:58,092
Excellent. This is easy.
What are you?
293
00:11:58,093 --> 00:11:59,054
John Taylor, mate.
294
00:11:59,055 --> 00:12:00,253
I'm Duran Duran.
295
00:12:00,254 --> 00:12:02,252
You're not Duran Duran,
you're Simon Le Bon.
296
00:12:02,253 --> 00:12:03,374
Duran Duran is the band.
297
00:12:03,375 --> 00:12:04,653
Simon Le Bon.
298
00:12:04,654 --> 00:12:08,612
Right we've cast them, now let's
get... Got to get more costumes.
299
00:12:08,613 --> 00:12:09,894
That's all right, innit?
300
00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:11,453
Who's he again?
301
00:12:11,454 --> 00:12:12,572
This is embarrassing.
302
00:12:12,573 --> 00:12:13,212
Roger Taylor.
303
00:12:13,213 --> 00:12:16,612
Roger Ta... I'm actually going to
take my name off this production.
304
00:12:16,613 --> 00:12:18,292
Nick Rhodes, generally considered
305
00:12:18,293 --> 00:12:20,334
to be one of the world's
most beautiful men.
306
00:12:20,335 --> 00:12:22,253
Check that out.
307
00:12:22,254 --> 00:12:25,973
It's a chicken on a keyboard.
308
00:12:25,974 --> 00:12:29,093
What else do we need? Guitars.
309
00:12:29,094 --> 00:12:30,933
I can't do it up.
310
00:12:30,934 --> 00:12:33,652
Don't worry about it,
it won't make any difference.
311
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:37,612
It won't make any difference.
Look at the fella on the keyboard.
312
00:12:37,613 --> 00:12:39,132
Well, we look a bit odd, don't we?
313
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:41,534
Just a little bit. The thing is,
it's not that odd, is it?
314
00:12:41,535 --> 00:12:45,534
The Rolling Stones
are still touring.
315
00:12:51,094 --> 00:12:54,773
'Do you know what?
I'll be honest with you, yeah,
316
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:58,172
'like, when I first walked in here
it was nothing but, like,'
317
00:12:58,173 --> 00:13:01,252
dread and concern that I was
actually thinking, you know what?
318
00:13:01,253 --> 00:13:04,132
Take me to flipping prison, bruv,
take me to prison, right?
319
00:13:04,133 --> 00:13:07,292
But actually now I'm thinking
that's a dumb thing because, like,
320
00:13:07,293 --> 00:13:10,572
my eyes have been opened to one or
two things that have made me think.
321
00:13:10,573 --> 00:13:12,292
Do you know what I'm saying, like?
322
00:13:12,293 --> 00:13:15,692
Like, for example, like, I could
roll back into the Ns, right?
323
00:13:15,693 --> 00:13:18,452
I could roll back into the hood
with, like, Arthur and say hello,
324
00:13:18,453 --> 00:13:21,172
people would be like,
"Bruv, what happened to your clip?"
325
00:13:21,173 --> 00:13:22,572
Do you know what I'm saying?
326
00:13:22,573 --> 00:13:26,132
Like what did you... "Why are you
rolling with roadkill?" or whatnot.
327
00:13:26,133 --> 00:13:27,932
And I'd be like, bruv,
hold up, yeah?
328
00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:31,212
Because you always talking about
our man went through this and that.
329
00:13:31,213 --> 00:13:33,612
Like, man took a scar
or a bullet for this, that,
330
00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:36,412
and I thought, bruv,
hold up both of these two, like,
331
00:13:36,413 --> 00:13:40,292
they've been in a actual war.
Like, not a rap lyric war, bruv,
332
00:13:40,293 --> 00:13:42,092
not a couplet about like some shit
333
00:13:42,093 --> 00:13:44,332
you went through outside
Chicken George,
334
00:13:44,333 --> 00:13:47,334
I'm talking about, like,
straight up and down,
335
00:13:47,335 --> 00:13:49,973
like, man fought for man's freedom.
336
00:13:49,974 --> 00:13:51,572
Do you know what I'm saying?
337
00:13:51,573 --> 00:13:53,972
Right, if wasn't for them
would you even be here
338
00:13:53,973 --> 00:13:57,092
wearing them trainers, sitting on
that wall talking some froth
339
00:13:57,093 --> 00:13:59,372
that you're talking right now?
Probably not.
340
00:13:59,373 --> 00:14:00,950
Do you know what I'm saying?
341
00:14:18,377 --> 00:14:21,737
I can only feel the tension in
the air in that room. Yeah.
342
00:14:21,954 --> 00:14:23,594
How many of them have you had?
343
00:14:23,789 --> 00:14:25,147
Trying to curb the high, mate.
344
00:14:25,148 --> 00:14:28,587
Gotta stay relaxed.
Don't want 'em smelling my fear.
345
00:14:28,588 --> 00:14:30,187
Smelling your fear? Yeah.
346
00:14:30,188 --> 00:14:32,367
Over your breath?
Having a laugh, aren't you?
347
00:14:32,368 --> 00:14:33,389
Having a beer, baby.
348
00:14:33,481 --> 00:14:34,520
Show time.
349
00:14:34,521 --> 00:14:38,519
I'm going to, he's going to
introduce me, I'm doing my
ventribolism. Vent...
350
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:39,361
Tricopism-lism.
351
00:14:39,362 --> 00:14:40,120
Tri...
352
00:14:40,121 --> 00:14:42,040
Trin-trickercism.
353
00:14:42,041 --> 00:14:43,160
Jesus.
354
00:14:43,161 --> 00:14:46,640
Show time, mate. Show time. Yeah.
355
00:14:46,641 --> 00:14:48,121
All right.
356
00:14:51,081 --> 00:14:52,719
Good evening. Good evening.
357
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,759
Broad Hill Nursing Home,
thanks for coming.
358
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:57,759
Thanks for coming? As if they've got
any choice in the matter.
359
00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,081
They're not going anywhere.
360
00:14:59,082 --> 00:15:00,320
Have some fun?
361
00:15:00,321 --> 00:15:02,361
Yeah, set the roof off the place,
yeah?
362
00:15:02,362 --> 00:15:03,720
Yes. Yeah?
363
00:15:03,721 --> 00:15:06,399
OK, what we've got coming up,
I'm going to do some jokes,
364
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:07,999
then we've got Derek and Poppy
365
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,919
and then, er... Joe's going
to do some stuff.
366
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,559
We're going to be doing
a Duran Duran thing,
367
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,321
I wrote it in the late '90s,
a little play.
368
00:15:16,322 --> 00:15:17,720
Excited?
369
00:15:17,721 --> 00:15:18,400
Yes.
370
00:15:18,401 --> 00:15:19,521
Do you want a joke?
371
00:15:19,522 --> 00:15:21,360
Yes. Yeah.
372
00:15:21,361 --> 00:15:23,680
What's got two legs and bleeds?
373
00:15:23,681 --> 00:15:24,281
Don't know.
374
00:15:24,282 --> 00:15:25,441
Half a dog.
375
00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:28,080
And again.
376
00:15:28,081 --> 00:15:30,639
All right, now for the first
act of the evening,
377
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:33,199
I didn't want him to do it, he can't
do it, he's rubbish at it,
378
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,159
but don't take my word for it,
379
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:39,161
ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
the stage, Derek and Poppy.
380
00:15:42,521 --> 00:15:43,640
Yeah!
381
00:15:43,641 --> 00:15:47,560
Woo!
382
00:15:47,561 --> 00:15:49,201
He's just using it as a glove.
383
00:15:52,321 --> 00:15:54,680
This is Poppy, Derek.
384
00:15:54,681 --> 00:15:55,441
Jesus Christ.
385
00:15:55,442 --> 00:15:57,080
Bit of...
386
00:15:57,081 --> 00:16:00,240
Tricolism.
387
00:16:00,241 --> 00:16:03,479
Hello, Poppy. Hello, Derek.
What have you been doing?
388
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,241
I've been eating a carrot,
or summat.
389
00:16:05,242 --> 00:16:06,281
No voice?
390
00:16:06,369 --> 00:16:07,008
What?
391
00:16:07,009 --> 00:16:08,168
No voice.
392
00:16:08,169 --> 00:16:11,888
Listen...
393
00:16:11,889 --> 00:16:15,368
What else you been eating?
Another carrot.
394
00:16:15,369 --> 00:16:17,727
Where you been eating them?
In me hutch in the garden.
395
00:16:17,728 --> 00:16:20,087
One of the worst stories
I've ever heard.
396
00:16:20,088 --> 00:16:22,527
I haven't finished.
Right, then what happened?
397
00:16:22,528 --> 00:16:25,529
I just had a poo and that...
like, little nugget poos comes out.
398
00:16:25,530 --> 00:16:28,808
This is crap.
399
00:16:28,809 --> 00:16:30,049
Who likes impressions?
400
00:16:30,050 --> 00:16:31,008
Yes, yes.
401
00:16:31,009 --> 00:16:32,489
He's dying on his arse.
402
00:16:32,490 --> 00:16:34,248
What's this?
403
00:16:34,249 --> 00:16:37,088
I will exterminate you.
404
00:16:37,089 --> 00:16:39,368
Dalek.
405
00:16:39,369 --> 00:16:40,449
Stephen Hawking.
406
00:16:42,329 --> 00:16:43,648
Yeah.
407
00:16:43,649 --> 00:16:46,369
Everybody knows Stephen
Hawking ain't a Dalek, Dougie.
408
00:16:46,370 --> 00:16:47,208
Not now.
409
00:16:47,209 --> 00:16:49,928
What? Not now.
410
00:16:49,929 --> 00:16:52,689
That's it for now.
411
00:16:58,649 --> 00:17:01,209
Let's hear it for Poppy.
Awful, everybody.
412
00:17:01,210 --> 00:17:04,368
Right, welcome to the stage, Joe.
413
00:17:04,369 --> 00:17:08,209
And then we've got
Boys On Film, I wrote it.
414
00:17:13,529 --> 00:17:17,529
♪ You must have been
a beautiful baby
415
00:17:17,649 --> 00:17:21,129
♪ You must have been a wonderful
child... ♪
416
00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:25,607
♪ When you were only starting
to go to kindergarten... ♪
417
00:17:25,608 --> 00:17:27,287
We've got to change. Quick.
418
00:17:27,288 --> 00:17:29,809
♪ I bet you drove the other kids
wild... ♪
419
00:17:29,810 --> 00:17:32,248
Duran Duran now.
420
00:17:32,249 --> 00:17:32,768
What?
421
00:17:32,769 --> 00:17:35,689
I can't do this... Why not?
I don't feel very well.
422
00:17:36,729 --> 00:17:39,808
Oh, God. Dougie, he doesn't feel
very well.
423
00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:40,848
Do you not?
424
00:17:40,849 --> 00:17:42,447
No, so you'll have to do it.
425
00:17:42,448 --> 00:17:43,247
I'm not doing it.
426
00:17:43,248 --> 00:17:44,367
Please. I'm not doing it.
427
00:17:44,368 --> 00:17:45,327
Come on, quick, please.
428
00:17:45,328 --> 00:17:46,607
It's nothing to do with me.
429
00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:47,247
We've gotta go on...
430
00:17:47,248 --> 00:17:50,207
I built the entire set. No, I'm not
doing it, it's not for me.
431
00:17:50,208 --> 00:17:50,847
..please...
432
00:17:50,848 --> 00:17:53,049
Why's it always me brought in
to sort shit out?
433
00:17:53,050 --> 00:17:56,569
I had nothing to do with this.
Please.
434
00:17:59,569 --> 00:18:01,689
I used to think I was quite cool.
435
00:18:01,690 --> 00:18:05,689
I can't be, can I?
This is me life, these are me mates.
436
00:18:06,369 --> 00:18:09,527
I used to think they're the daft
ones, but I'm the daft one.
437
00:18:09,528 --> 00:18:12,127
I'm the daft one cos they
come up with all these daft ideas
438
00:18:12,128 --> 00:18:14,407
and it's me who gets dragged in,
every time,
439
00:18:14,408 --> 00:18:17,367
It's me on the end of it...
Sorting out shit all the time.
440
00:18:17,368 --> 00:18:19,447
It's me on the M25 in a broken
down van
441
00:18:19,448 --> 00:18:22,367
full of old people with wind
problems after having a bad curry.
442
00:18:22,368 --> 00:18:24,247
It's me sticking me
hand down a u-bend,
443
00:18:24,248 --> 00:18:27,287
getting out an old pair of tights.
It's me feeling sick,
444
00:18:27,288 --> 00:18:31,289
because I've breathing in turps all
day rubbing off twat off a crab.
445
00:18:33,489 --> 00:18:35,687
You've never heard that
sentence before, have you?
446
00:18:35,688 --> 00:18:37,489
Please welcome Duran Duran.
447
00:18:48,009 --> 00:18:49,769
This is the Duran Duran...
448
00:18:49,770 --> 00:18:52,088
Did you see Dougie?
449
00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:55,768
Play, innit? It's when they started
450
00:18:55,769 --> 00:18:57,967
and how they met and this
is a true story, innit?
451
00:18:57,968 --> 00:18:59,807
Yeah. And we got some songs what
they did.
452
00:18:59,808 --> 00:19:01,087
Yeah. And they did it for real.
453
00:19:01,088 --> 00:19:03,369
It wasn't in an old people's home
where they met,
454
00:19:03,370 --> 00:19:05,848
so just pretend this is Birmingham.
455
00:19:05,849 --> 00:19:08,168
It was olden days, like 1780.
456
00:19:08,169 --> 00:19:10,329
No, not 1780. What was it? 1980.
457
00:19:10,330 --> 00:19:13,008
1980. Right, this is how we met.
458
00:19:13,009 --> 00:19:13,888
Hello.
459
00:19:13,889 --> 00:19:15,248
Hello.
460
00:19:15,249 --> 00:19:16,207
I'm Duran Duran.
461
00:19:16,208 --> 00:19:18,367
You're not. Duran Duran is
the name of the band.
462
00:19:18,368 --> 00:19:19,767
Right. You're Simon Le Bon.
463
00:19:19,768 --> 00:19:21,487
Yeah, hello, I'm Simon Le Bon.
464
00:19:21,488 --> 00:19:23,809
Do you wanna start a band? Yes.
Duran Duran probably.
465
00:19:23,810 --> 00:19:25,248
As soon as. OK.
466
00:19:25,249 --> 00:19:26,567
Cup of tea. Oh, thank you.
467
00:19:26,568 --> 00:19:28,087
What the fuck is going on?
468
00:19:28,088 --> 00:19:29,727
Have you got any biscuits?
469
00:19:29,728 --> 00:19:30,767
I don't think so.
470
00:19:30,768 --> 00:19:32,409
Yeah, bring some biscuits.
471
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:57,929
Sing it, sing the lyrics.
472
00:19:57,930 --> 00:20:00,488
I don't know the lyrics.
473
00:20:00,489 --> 00:20:02,568
It's not a ghost!
474
00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:03,968
The lyrics.
475
00:20:03,969 --> 00:20:04,849
I don't know them.
476
00:20:04,850 --> 00:20:08,849
Well, why didn't you read the script,
you prat? Sing it.
477
00:20:15,369 --> 00:20:17,288
And that was Duran Duran.
478
00:20:17,289 --> 00:20:18,489
Embarrassing.
479
00:20:19,529 --> 00:20:21,888
Thank you. We nailed it.
480
00:20:21,889 --> 00:20:24,767
There is nothing funny about
Duran Duran, Derek.
481
00:20:24,768 --> 00:20:26,089
They're laughing at us.
482
00:20:26,090 --> 00:20:28,569
Don't matter why they're laughing.
483
00:20:30,969 --> 00:20:33,648
More! More!
484
00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:36,289
'I never minds
when old people are laughing,
485
00:20:36,290 --> 00:20:39,568
'just as long as they are laughing.'
486
00:20:39,569 --> 00:20:42,808
It makes me laugh. Makes me happy.
487
00:20:42,809 --> 00:20:45,329
Even if they're laughing at
something what I've done,
488
00:20:45,330 --> 00:20:49,329
like, sat in some rhubarb crumble,
do you remember that?
489
00:20:50,089 --> 00:20:54,089
I likes them being happy.
490
00:20:54,449 --> 00:20:56,488
They ain't got long, so...
491
00:20:56,489 --> 00:21:00,489
every... every minute is important.
492
00:21:02,049 --> 00:21:05,928
I just wants them
to be happy all the time.
493
00:21:05,929 --> 00:21:07,407
Do you think I could
go on Britain's Got Talent?
494
00:21:07,408 --> 00:21:08,689
Oh, I don't see why not, yeah.
495
00:21:08,690 --> 00:21:09,768
Dion, hello.
496
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,288
Hiya.
497
00:21:11,289 --> 00:21:12,807
Have I missed the show?
498
00:21:12,808 --> 00:21:15,367
Yeah, we did Duran Duran
and everything.
499
00:21:15,368 --> 00:21:16,527
It was incredible.
500
00:21:16,528 --> 00:21:18,689
You don't still want me to perform?
501
00:21:18,690 --> 00:21:20,528
Yeah, you got a song?
502
00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:21,568
Yeah, I can...
503
00:21:21,569 --> 00:21:22,329
Yeah, definitely.
504
00:21:22,330 --> 00:21:23,768
Oh, cool.
505
00:21:23,769 --> 00:21:27,769
Everybody, Dion's going to sing
a song for us now.
506
00:21:30,929 --> 00:21:34,567
All right, yeah, just a little
something I wrote for you lot, yeah.
507
00:21:34,568 --> 00:21:37,769
All right, this is going out to
all of you, yeah?
508
00:21:37,770 --> 00:21:39,688
Arthur, my OG...
509
00:21:39,689 --> 00:21:42,487
Yeah? Say though, stay awake for
this one, yeah?
510
00:21:42,488 --> 00:21:45,209
All right this is how it's going to
go. Check this out.
511
00:21:45,210 --> 00:21:46,408
♪ Yo
512
00:21:46,409 --> 00:21:49,367
♪ My first thoughts when I stepped
through those doors was great
513
00:21:49,368 --> 00:21:51,767
♪ I always wanted to work next
to a corpse
514
00:21:51,768 --> 00:21:54,807
♪ Like if you ever said
go hang with some old gran
515
00:21:54,808 --> 00:21:57,967
♪ I'd say, no thanks
I don't even like my own nan
516
00:21:57,968 --> 00:22:00,567
♪ I just figured these lot have
piddled in their seats
517
00:22:00,568 --> 00:22:03,807
♪ That they all love Richard Keys
and they're riddled with disease
518
00:22:03,808 --> 00:22:05,407
♪ So quiet that they sound dead
519
00:22:05,408 --> 00:22:09,087
♪ I mean how much care's taken by
that caretaker with the round head?
520
00:22:09,088 --> 00:22:12,127
♪ Like if you choked on a letter
from your scrabble set
521
00:22:12,128 --> 00:22:15,087
♪ He might save you
if he's like, wait, is that an 'X?
522
00:22:15,088 --> 00:22:17,927
♪ That's why I give a bit of credit
to the little fellah Derek
523
00:22:17,928 --> 00:22:20,567
♪ Cos he showed me
oldies gotta lot of merit
524
00:22:20,568 --> 00:22:23,487
♪ And that they ain't all heirlooms
and bare gloom
525
00:22:23,488 --> 00:22:26,527
♪ And trouser smells that
linger in your spare room
526
00:22:26,528 --> 00:22:29,087
♪ Doing my time in this place
I thought I'd hate it
527
00:22:29,088 --> 00:22:32,327
♪ But now I'm here, you know what?
Still hate it
528
00:22:32,328 --> 00:22:36,167
♪ But I made it and I hate it with
the greatest respect to the aged
529
00:22:36,168 --> 00:22:38,967
♪ I came from a place with no
thoughts of ageing
530
00:22:38,968 --> 00:22:41,807
♪ Where life is a game
with a makeshift playlist
531
00:22:41,808 --> 00:22:43,447
♪ That plays all the same shit
532
00:22:43,448 --> 00:22:46,127
♪ So what I'm saying is
it's an eye-opener
533
00:22:46,128 --> 00:22:49,289
♪ Meeting you even the one who's
a bit of thigh-stroker
534
00:22:49,290 --> 00:22:52,768
♪ So now I hope to take a long
look at myself
535
00:22:52,769 --> 00:22:55,007
♪ But, bruv, this ain't like Oprah
536
00:22:55,008 --> 00:22:57,409
♪ I ain't gonna start
jumping on my sofa
537
00:22:57,410 --> 00:23:00,648
♪ I'm just saying
I might look my life over
538
00:23:00,649 --> 00:23:03,489
♪ Now I normally bump fists
but let's shake hands
539
00:23:03,490 --> 00:23:07,048
♪ I ain't a changed man
I just wanna say thanks. ♪
540
00:23:07,049 --> 00:23:09,129
It was nice to meet you all, yeah.
541
00:23:11,889 --> 00:23:13,169
Thank you.
542
00:23:20,649 --> 00:23:22,328
You were brilliant.
543
00:23:22,329 --> 00:23:23,934
No, you're brilliant, bruv.
544
00:23:26,354 --> 00:23:32,779
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