[Music]
let's keep
the music sweet
[Laughter]
ugh
i don't know what you laughing at it
will happen to you eventually
child bearing hips fat backside
sagging breasts
do you know what it'd feel like when the
size of your waist measure the same as
your hip
huh and your breasts can hold a
conversation with your belly button
wait hey don't stand around
looking glow cause it's saturday and we
have come it's a wonderful day and we're
bright and we're married the lions have
to rhyme so i use my dictionary from the
special emcee with the silver tongue and
i like to say
good morning mum no guy you can't see
that's fresh now what's wrong with you
why not because you're always stealing
me all right
all right all right enough it doesn't
matter
you're right yes mom
where have you put my red sweatshirt i
ain't put your red sweatshirt nowhere
it must be still lying on the floor
where you left it but my mom's going to
wear that today
what's stopping you because it's dirty
sean
you can read write speak french
program a computer um you can do all
that
but you still can't put your dirty
clothes in the washing machine and turn
it on
yes i can then do it while you're at it
i want you to wash the dishes tidy your
room
and clean your teeth see him
that's not fair life is not fair
oh well done mum it's about time men
took more responsibility on the domestic
front
you know what are you doing doing
i ain't doing nothing you doing the
doing
i want this whole house tidy before your
auntie susu come
atti huhu you still here auntie dorian
from jamaica oh yes until the last time
i saw you was this big dory
every time i seen her she was always
this big and that is just the size of
she moat
you're saying my sister is fat and she
ain't small is she i mean
she's like a holy damn woman back home
yeah
big mothers you still here
i'll do that i want to talk to your
father oh thanks man
you can help sean instead ha ha shave
sean
i'm still here
desmond uh-huh you think
being fat is hereditary ah we don't have
nothing to do with that
i mean fat people is fat people in it
it's just like a skinny man is a skinny
man
sometimes you talk stupidness
baldness is hereditary like the japanese
are small
you ever see a japanese basketball team
well there's just a characteristic of
the oriental man like they have slanted
eyes and we don't
yeah we have big mamas and they don't we
have other big things and they don't
you take my hips are too big no
you think i'm fat no you sure
yes i think i am well i don't think you
are well i do
well if you think you're too fat then
you're too fat you see
you agree with me but i didn't say your
fat is you say you're fat
well what would you say if i look like
this
well i'd say you look like a mad woman
with constipation
what is the matter with you shirley i
feel used
taken for granted i feel ugly uh don't
worry man
big shoes will come in later you you
stand up next door you're bound to feel
cheered up
i don't need cheering up all right all
right all right
morning days are you again
and of course it's me saturday your star
stylist is here
mind you you're lucky i am last night
right
i'll get a call from this new client now
i don't want to go around her place
but she says to me she wants to show me
a record collection and why don't i
bring a few of mine
well that was an offer i couldn't refuse
i thought sony
with these gifted hands a large record
collection and my good looks
no trouble so what happened shot in the
door
and she was i mean she was just
beautiful
ah big days a big mama
my name's alice she could dance man what
we danced all night
oh she's got a wicked sense of humor
you know what though dez it's funny how
you can misjudge a person
especially women tony women of the
eighth wonder of the world
you wonder what's going on inside the
head oh i don't know about that mate
but watching alice dance last night was
definitely the 9th 10th and 11th one
they're all rolled into one
all right listen to this i bet you'll
never guess is who this
is
i don't know it is by but the hard tune
is it um healing in the palm yard by the
tickles
no this is dashing dashing my dashing
dashing
what is it it's a water garden but can't
lash out
it's how you know who it is a man in the
record shop said the only three copies
left in the world
he have one i have one yeah and i've got
the other one
there's a small world in it sometimes
pogba you're so
gullible we're here
that woman the plane was late as it is
she then decides to go window shopping
no i don't mind
but we hadn't even left the airport yet
i should bring all this fruit
why we can get all this stuff done pekka
moc
[Music]
[Applause]
is that you yes that is me
close your mouth you'll catch flies so
we finally see the shop
it's smallies it look bigger in the
photograph
so what's she there ah hold on i'll go
get you
charlie susuka
thank you michael that boy of yours is
strong you see it
okay listen i've got an appointment with
a mortgage class i've got a giant
backside i come all this way to see my
little nephew and him telling me more
clients and maggie johnson
now listen
now desmond you're going to introduce me
ah this is tony our stylist this is a
mango tony
yeah i know what it is hello the man of
a foreign puppy
whatever happened to our phone box
people only call me doreen when them get
angry
[Music]
turn round make me look fine you're too
skinny
poor pie big d it's who you're calling
big
i can't see me skinny no yeah man
your mom i can see that when there's
mother telling me you was coming for
your own may never believe him why not
because whenever they think maxwell
would let you go
oxwell he saw that you died
your husband he needs history him god
clear somebody looking for another man
we can't have your bags clutching up the
place we've got a business to run i
never put them there you did
look just put them in the spare room
it's a good boy dance man
sean
thank you are you lose weight
thank you i mean you think nobody
i didn't notice you wanna come down the
domino club with me tonight
damino i never come to england to play a
domino it's a plenty of damn in obama
now let her get settled down first pork
pie
i will take your sightseeing i'll never
come here for
let me take you to a dance and we can
boogie and think not rest yourself poor
pie
it's a different thing me want it's an
intellectual man i want to choke me
around
go around here you're gonna find an
intellectual man matthew is intelligent
matthew is an idiot matthew can speak
for himself
how do you do so where do you comes from
the gambia you know home of contact
you're a prince
he's a student you want some further
education
what you doing tonight going out with me
a hoop who else what about your two
wives
and kids well you know what they say
when the cats and mice are away
the lion will play i'll pick you up at
8.
sure you have anything i can wear
tonight
you mean to tell me you bring three big
suitcases i ain't got nothing to wear
suit get them do i have a thing in them
they have a little summer dressing thing
and since me is in england mina silly
the sun
okay look in my bedroom any wardrobe
england is an expensive country you know
you're telling me well may only bring a
little fusion in for spanish you want
some money you took the lord's word out
of my mouth
so you think you're the lion and can
handle a west indian lioness
listen pogba there is an old african
proverb that says
an old discarded sponge is only turned
to
in time of desperation and she is not
that desperate
it's so so she shot her money she only
just come and she shot the money already
she's my sister what's mine is hers
that's an old african proverb yes well
i've got a guyanese proverb
it said old africans who talk about old
sponges
should shut up thank you sis
i like your chin give me your barrels no
honey she says wow man uh-huh mum's a
bit down though
you should take her out dad cheer her up
a bit what do you mean i just take short
and
no ah west tell your audience who
wouldn't take out
looks like auntie sue should be pretty
busy with matthew when was the last time
you took her out dad
how old are you sean 14.75
well just over 15 years ago no wonder
she feels neglected
hang on i know somebody your mum really
appreciated
oh when's the last time you took her
there oh just over 15 years ago
so our cane our cut
and our concord
you're off are you yeah i've got a new
client to visit tonight oh you see that
pork pie
you see the new jet setting lifestyle
these young people live today
so where does this client of yours live
no pecum pecam is a jet set area
well if she lives in peckham why don't
you cut her hair in the shop
oh i am gotta do it upstairs now look
here i don't want no conquering and
cutting upstairs on my premises after
hours
funny shirley what i'm gonna give her
the sexiest area in town so you can take
her out tonight
you're going to cut my wife here look
des mont
we've been through this thing before you
cut air and i style it you chop
and i caress you caress my wife and i'll
chop you
i still can't believe it what does su
see in my queue
the man is ugly
well she's been out with him nearly
every night this week the man's
obviously got something
yeah african proverbs
father all i've been since auntie
susan's been here is a mini cab take me
here
take me dear she hasn't even offered me
any petrol money well you can afford it
you earn enough money so what else would
you have been doing on a saturday
afternoon ah
well as a matter of fact all right all
right all right i know you're a busy man
but you must find time out for your
auntie she's family and family have
rules
she's allowed anything in this house i
mean that is in trouble with people
today
they've they've forgotten our
traditional values of like looking after
one another
all right all right all right but she's
still a pain in the petrol tank
i agree where is she now i left her and
love her in the car they're coming in a
minute matthew's in the kr with suzu
so um matthew she was too strong for the
lion
[Applause]
well we uh we were just having a
conversation
thank you matthew for a pleasant
afternoon
it was most enlightening
i hope that we can repeat that
experience again
well the pleasure was all mine
pork pie an intellectual mankind occupy
me all the time
so how about you and me going
boogie in tonight for all time sick
me then you want me to pick you up
yes o'clock
adorability
now you see sure if you have it like
this it lengthens your face
so it's goodbye round dumpling face
hello long elegant face tony
don't give me all that hairdressers
gibberish talk to me in english
you look nice thank you tony
what's that that oh that's my own
creation now forget about afro-sheen
this is tony's gleam oh really
it's an exotic mixture of coconut oil
lanolin cocoa butter and a little bit of
you know yeah put a little rum in it or
we can drink it
oh yes lovely
that looks lovely tony
yeah well i ain't the police yes i'm
sure you do
you know it is sure
so
my dress what you doing wearing a dress
what's wrong i was gonna wear that dress
tonight
all right i'll take it out night too
late now you've worn it listen doreen
don't
you're angry you only call me doreen
when you get up
course i'm angry doreen you see you said
it again
why you must event of course alex
oh why you never put things back when
you're finished with them because i
can't remember where to put them when i
finish with them
no i don't know where my earrings are i
was gonna wear them tonight auntie dory
you vexed too well you can have them no
it's all right and i suppose there's the
last piece of chicken
well you can't have that back
why i don't understand you english
people you get vex easy here
english who you call in english use one
minute you want something and when me
offered to give you back you don't want
it
look man you just can't come in here and
take things that's not the way we do
things
you gotta ask firstly you don't have to
shout to each other
you see what i mean about yous you is
english this is my sister's house
back home you don't have to ask yourself
to borrow things you just
take it if she was in my house she take
anything she want
but you see you in english everybody
a dress is a dress the ring is an
earring i could understand if i borrow
your car that is different
okay okay susu you've made your point
listen
you see that dress you're wearing this
man who's gonna take me out to somewhere
special
was i am taking you out no will you save
yourself some money because i don't want
to go nowhere oh come on
shirley why you never tell me i was
going to wear this dress oh what
what do you want me to do put a note on
it saying hands off my own dress
this is my house i don't have to do
things like that
listen sure i'm really sorry
i don't want to go out either
why don't i make it up to you and treat
everybody
to some take in food
i'll buy it and we can sit around and
have a chat
well since you're putting your honey in
your pocket what you want
well i'll have our crispy duck pancakes
uh
prawns and chili sauce we'll have fish
and chips oh right you know i eat fish
and shapes
all right fish and chips it is then
that is english food in it why are you
going to miss england if you ever come
back
where's michael are you downstairs doing
the account he'll be up in a minute
i want to see a toast to my sister
shirley
thank you for having me i've had a
lovely time and the next time you leave
a nice dress lying around i'll
still borrow it
oh at last we got you to ourselves suso
tell me
how is everybody still to see i'm not
influenced
on your songs still see them they're not
giant
what about rodney and daphne still here
not in cheers
in conversation in it tell me desmond
what are you going to do with that plot
of lambda yours you're still going to
build a whole spanish
yes me is going to build a hospital and
retire you still have that fool fool
idea what foolish about it
the west indies have changed it's
different you just said it's do the same
nothing's changed well it changed since
your father lived here
there's a holy parmorgan son killing
something sean so what's new a walipa
unemployment
so i'm going there to retire not to work
what i am seeing is that there's a
hualipa people with the same idea but
when them get back home
settle down it's disappointing and some
people can't take disappointment
susu your chariot is waiting outside
you booked this we booked acne book
everything
sit down you all fool
can i have a word please i'm private of
course you can
what is it did you take any money from
the till
no way 30 pounds short in today's
take-ins
surely you borrowed tortic ones remotely
till
now
look are we going are we going i'm
coming
still mad about the other night mad me
not mad
me vex keep your kettle boiling next
time we'll meet
dean you mean that cause i do
bus later
anybody would think that this was a
state visit by the queen can't get this
it was nice having you please come again
but not too often
sure let me take one last look at you
you know that weird really does suit you
get in the car
the chain michael
[Music]
so
[Music]
uh
you