paper was light gold in medieval times
i want tobacco sugar
[Music]
that everything we thought we knew about
the world
might turn out to be completely wrong
from the long night
don't scratch
[Music]
why don't you go to the emergency
dentist just a thousand dentists
give me to take yes
but i suppose they're unnecessary evil
you call them necessary i call them evil
i mean what nice respectable person
wants to be a dentist ah come on guys
they're all nice respectable people
listen i haven't come across a dentist
yet who is a hooligan
you haven't met mine
oh my goodness sean what happened to you
just gone from the dentist
i uh tripped over ice skating sean no
mom it's the truth and i fell off monkey
everest and survived
don't be ridiculous dad i didn't support
somebody drag you under the ice by your
color
no no we both fell down and he hung on
to my collar and it's when we tried to
get back up that the bag ripped listen
i think what sean's trying to say des is
that he walked into a lamppost now
listen we've all done that once or twice
in our time it we mate
is that why you're so stupid tony
no you sit down there until you remember
what happened well you know what
happened
well what happened darling walked into a
lamppost sniff that's it
you're brandon for a week no make it to
four eight five as you get
sean you've been the puncher well i'll
show you
you give him one for me oh yeah paul pie
well next time you pick on someone your
own size yeah
good afternoon everyone good afternoon
listen i've got a bit of news
news oh great i love news what's your
news matthew sean i
want to hear your news first all right
if i'll tell you what really happened
will you change my prison sentence all
right three weeks four weeks
five weeks all right i got into a fight
so why didn't you say so in the first
place
because i knew you'd get angry did you
seriously think you would get away with
lying
why not i've got away with it in the
past
that's so amazing oh come on des
everybody tells pork pies nobody tells
me anything
pork pies is cocky rhyming for lies
isn't it yeah
i mean we all got to be a bit economical
with a truth on occasions you know
get us out of a spot of bother and we
sure
i mean what was the biggest what are you
ever told eh
i came home once with a rip in my best
dress
i remember my father said how did you
come upon this rip
my father was a preacher you see i said
to him
father i was on my way home and i saw
this ghost son
run into the church and i knew that i'm
gonna pray as hard as i could
and when i finished praying i stood up
and caught my dress on a nail in the pew
and he believed me well i don't we're
really happy
give me time i'll think of something
what was your biggest pork pie pork pie
oh i got away with more by telling the
truth
the truth yes you know my wife always
called me a liar
so when i spent the whole day on the
beach with her cousin winnie i told her
and she didn't believe a word of it
what about you matthew
in the gambia we don't tell lies well on
occasion we
embroider the truth i will tell people
what they want to know
which brings me to the matter in hand
tomorrow
my sister florence is arriving from the
gambia to visit me
she's bringing with her her stuck-up
husband who's also called matthew you
mean there's two of you
matthew is a very popular name in my
hometown it's a pity it's not the same
here
the point is some years ago i started
correspondence to my family saying that
i was beginning to be a businessman
and would have to um study longer in
england you know
to keep pace with growing trends i
rented part of my house
and sent the money back home you know
just to show how well i was doing
i have as we say embroidered the truth
and now they are arriving tomorrow and
knowing my busy body bigoted sister and
her pompous little husband
they will demand to meet some of my
business partners what am i going to do
well martin you know what they say a
friend in need is a pain in his
mouth and you are no exception have no
fear
desmond is here let me introduce you to
your two new
business partners what have you met mr
anthony
belmont smythe oh how do you do it it'll
be a pleasure doing business with
yourself
and mr luther luther vanderbilt iii
at your service boy
you don't have to go that far a british
accent you'll do oh come on tess i
always wanted to play an american
no all right then
a lawrence vanderville
mrs bellman spy then vanderbilt will
form the reception
committee at matthew's favorite haunt
what here oh no no no somewhere more
appropriate where you can get an
aperitif and have a progress report on
matthew's business ventures
yeah but that and then back to the
ambrose salon for tea
and a bit more embroidery yeah dad you
just told me i can't lie i mean isn't
this one big lie
uh no no no no son i mean this is just
the kind of games that um
grown-ups play
don't worry about it i know that
sterling's weak so put it in the end
instead
yeah oh wonderful wonderful
yes you really look the part with that
phone
it ain't really plastic yeah
look i know the baggy looks in at the
moment but that's a sack you're wearing
it yeah look at what i know
i ain't got a suit all right i bought it
with my mate he's very big in the city
very big everywhere we've got to get
this straight right
what line of business are you dealing in
yeah well i thought i'd go for the money
market
you can't do that i was going to do that
oh no come on man i've done a lot of
research into this
oh you're like what well i watched the
money program last night and
all right i'll be in equities
what are equities well i don't know or
whatever they are
i'm feeling them yeah no sister flores
well i'm sure they're in somewhere what
sort of place is this matthew
uh it is called a wine bar you drink
while you walk hello ah here are my
business associates
yeah sister florence and matthew i would
like you to meet
uh anthony belmont smythe how wonderful
to meet you
yes one minute
yes get my secretary to deal with it
well you know where you can put your
footsie
yep yeah talk to me later
goodbye sorry how
terribly rude of me lawrence
lawrence vanderbilt matthew has told me
so much about you
what have you been saying matthew oh
most of it good i assure you
so matthew these are your business
associates
yeah yeah yeah
they're
they're yappies bit young aren't they in
the gambia
in order to be a successful businessman
like myself one really must be of
respectable age and stature
do you see well yes this boy hasn't even
grown enough to fit into a suit
sir matthew yes uh yes um
i understand that you're in london uh
for business as well as pleasure yes
there is an opening in our london office
do you see ah
my husband is an accountant and what do
your friends do
well yeah well i um dibble dabble in the
money markets
and i scribble scrabble in equities
uh you don't want to buy any do you no i
also do a nice line electric irons how
much
uh to you antenna we'll take two dozen
we're done
well let's see shall we yes yes
tell me what would you like to drink
well i'll have a laughs
to drink for him and a water for me
without the bubbles
what actually these hot bubbles don't
you agree
yes yeah well i i'll get the drinks
oh my god lawrence uh may i use your
phone
yes certainly ah i'm afraid you can't
oh why ever not i mean matthew is our
guest
yes it's one o'clock it's lunch time
the operators go to lunch at one and
they shan't be back until three
england
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
oh quick yes man
sister florence and matthew mcfarlane i
would like you to meet
desmond ambrose and his family nice to
meet you matthew
do call me mr mcfarlane
uh sorry uh mr mcfarlane mrs mcfarlane
this is my wife shirley how do you do
perfectly well thank you
and this is my daughter gloria hello
and our youngest son sean welcome to
london sir
very nice it is gratifying to see west
indians acknowledging their roots
wonderful african craftsmanship do you
see well no a woman makes them on a
store there pekka my cake
they're all the rage sir you could start
a trend in your country
whatever that woman does them for i
could do them for cheaper
six doesn't done
some drinks for this um would you like
to try some of our west indian cuisine
florence
i don't think so thank you one has to be
careful what one eats on foreign trips
would you care for a glass of beckham
plonk
i would like to propose a toast and
extend the hand of friendship to matthew
uh mr mcfarlane and his charming wife
florence i would like to toast the owner
of this excellent barbershop
my brother matthew here
[Music]
but much you there think we work for you
what more can i say desmond
i have said i am sorry i must have
mentioned in a letter some time ago that
i came to the shop
regularly but i didn't think they
thought i owned it well they do and you
just have to tell them that you don't
i can't do that don't think i've been
lying
where has you been embroidering machine
white card africans tell straight
forward lies like everybody else
desmond shirley please keep up the
pretense for me why are they still here
what time you said they were coming this
morning i don't know shel they just had
to meet them here
but poor pie i thought you went to the
dentist yesterday it hurt so much i
couldn't get there
since whether the two takes stopped
anybody going to the dentist have you
ever tried walking when you're in agony
all you could do is jump up and down to
keep your mind up the pain
listen we got to fill you in about
yesterday
matthew's sister and they're sharp i'm
alive yes well when my two sisters are
oh
girl we thought we dropped by early
we have a lot to do today boy much you
may never see you jump up so quick
like your big sister used to give you
licks when you were gone
matthew who is this man this is pork pie
a regular
poor pie my sister florence why
i never thought someone as ugly as you
could have a sister as good looking as
this
you don't mind do you so you are
irregular are you
regulars clockwork you can always find
our bottoms on these chairs
since you've retired we've let you come
in come into the shop to help us when
you're needed
yes i have to give him you know all jobs
to do yes like right now come forward
i want to have a word
teleport by about match you own any shop
yeah but you said i mustn't lie
i want you to tell him no yeah sorry for
me to like today but not yesterday
just tell him uh tear and coffee anybody
yes please
uh a real african coffee please for
buying some tea and coffee for our
guests no it's all right i'll get
it it'll have to be west indian instant
i'm afraid very well
if instant means the same thing as quick
now what i would like to do today is
look at the books
the books the accounts matthew oh
the books
where did i touch them
i think you put them over there matthew
we are worried about you matthew you
have entrusted your business to these
west indians how do you know we can
trust them
you'll see well they've been very good
but i'm not sure i like their manner
i think you would have to insist that
they call you sir you cannot have the
boss and the employees on first name
terms
otherwise they think you are equal my
sister mr desmond
i must insist that from now on you call
my brother sir
sir yes sir
do i make myself clear
yes
bye dad i don't think i'm grand any
longer do you
[Laughter]
if i have the owner's permission i'd
like to sit down
yes please pop what is wrong with your
face
to take why don't you go to the dentist
oh i tried
come here i'll fix it for you
yes it's a little something the
traditional doctor taught me
that sounds dangerous to me don't be so
small-minded
even your prince charles believes in
alternative medicine go to the top of
[Applause]
that
now open your mouth ah
which side does it hurt this side now
i want you to concentrate on my fingers
you see close your
eyes and concentrate
two three four five six
seven eight nine ten
gone you saying it's gone
the pain is gone why prince charles is
right
you should still see a dentist now the
books
i want to talk to your wife did she go
this way yes
she's upstairs thank you
does your family live on the premises
yes
i hope you charge them enough rent
matthew
right matthew i would like you to take
me through these books
well um the the does mother has been
doing the books lately
isn't that right yes
but uh financial advisor has been
fine-tuning them a bit
oh so we have a financial advisor
i hope he's from a reputable firm
matthew
yes he's from a a big
bank i think
listen matthew system is brought in love
come off england to visit
they've embroidered the facts so he's
not your shooter anymore he owns the
shop i'm the manager a mother's cabin
to a nearest business partner they fix
popeyes to take you the financial advice
on the outside today
let me introduce you to our financial
advisor who happens to have the same
surname as myself mr ambrose this is
sir matthew's brother-in-law who happens
to have the same
name as matthew sir
how'd you do oh please do call me
matthew
uh yes um matthew yes
what do i have the owner of this visit
well
um
ah the books at last an intelligent
person who will guide me through these
books tell me
what position do you hold here well i'm
president of the bank father i'm farther
than you ever thought he'd get it
now i need to be satisfied that my
brother-in-law's books
are in order is the business efficiently
run
is the manager here capable of the job
and
what sort of changes could one implement
in order to improve
efficiency do you see well yes
um i'd like to start with the manager's
i still think there's room for
improvement you see he has a tendency to
run things his own way
he's a little set in his ways you see he
doesn't take advice particularly well
he can be stubborn but all in all he's
the best man for the job
as for changes i always thought the
owner didn't like changes
you don't like changes matthew well
i don't mind them look why don't you
leave this to us
sir and i'll see what answers i can
provide for mr mcfarlane
yes it's a very good idea come on
desmond let's go
yes sir
i think we have to discuss some of your
attitude problems which my financial
advisor just raised
she's getting to you and she no she's
not don't have to put up with me
time to get lost it's your shop shelley
i want to talk to you what is it now hmm
you don't like the bathroom
i need to speak to you alone but this is
gloria's home too you know
whatever you have to say can be said in
front of my daughter
very well i want to know about matthew's
love life gloria i think you better take
your studies till your bedroom
oh i always miss that one now
[Laughter]
i don't know anything about matthew's
love life
whatever matt you chooses to do with his
love life is up to him
what i want to know is is he seeing
anybody at the moment
oh no matthew is a married man that's
what i'm worried about you see
gambian men are not averse to picking up
an extra woman here and there
that's true of most men gloria
go to your room oh man you know what our
biggest fear was
that he would abandon his gambian wife
for someone foreign
you mean like a west indian actually the
longer we talk the more i discover we
share so many thoughts
you're so sensible for someone living in
the western world
what do you think gloria very nice it is
isn't it
you see shirley that's quite an act of
flattening and weaving here
it would be nice to think that matthew
shop had a reputation for african
artistry
look i've had enough of you and your
superior manner
you ain't no better than me you know as
a matter of fact i am better than you
because this is
my girl please try not to lose your
temper temper
i wouldn't lose breath on you jelly is a
good woman matthew i like her a lot
i like her fire her passion we need more
women like her in africa
you're on here at sir matthew
we need more west indian women in africa
john what happened i twisted my ankle
ice skating mum
yes and i'm not standing here cutting
this man's here
yeah and i did twist my ankle ice
skating you know accusing me of lying
are you because if you are ah
no no no no no no sit down and rest your
ankles rest don't walk by dressed up
oh there you are you put up your foot
there
hey armies nightingale two dozen
electric irons
where would you like them splendid put
them over there ah
matthew do you think it's about time you
told your sister the truth
well uh i have thought about it and i uh
i have thought about it i think he's
right the number for this place is
turning into a circus
can you come mr mcfarland yep yep
yep yep i think i have to hang up now it
is uh one o'clock
and i think the operator will be going
for her lunch
england you see florence
matthew there is something
i've come to a decision ladies and
gentlemen i would like to say a few
words
the shop is doing fine it is not making
great profits
but they are not ripping you off matthew
in fact michael here showed me a few
tricks even i didn't know
so on behalf of florence and myself i
would like to say
that under the management of desmond
here with all his faults
the shop is being efficiently run and we
will certainly tell them so back home
you see guys say something man yes i
would like to say i would like to say
that your family has shown so much
loyalty to my brother matthew
that i'm sure it won't be long before he
offers you the opportunity
to own your very own shop
that's a very generous offer i think
i'll have this one
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
so
[Music]
uh
you