paper was light gold in medieval times
[Music]
i want tobacco sugar
[Music]
that everything we thought we knew about
the world
might turn out to be completely wrong
[Music]
trees
[Music]
let's keep the music sweet
[Music]
you see when i promised to decorate the
church for the christening tomorrow i
didn't realize cynthia wanted flowers
from world to wall are gonna need some
help
well i hope the baby doesn't suffer from
hair fever i do hey since when
since surely mentioned the word help
dad i'm going to need some money are you
what money
you sleep up
support fine you're gonna help me surely
i don't mind helping with the labels but
i'd rather like when it comes to
christenings after what happened to me
at mine i know i'm going to regret this
but what happened at you all
my parents thought so much of me they
decided to name me after famous generals
and emperors augustus napoleon cleveland
grant but that vicar was an ignorant man
and he never read a history book in him
life and he christened me augustus
neapolitan
i am the only living man in the history
of the caribbean to be named after an
ice cream
so that means your anger helped me no
did anything traumatic happen at my
christening mom oh no no you were so
good um big brown eyes smiling up at the
vicar
i even got the little lace dressed at
your wall
i'm the little lace bonnet
yeah well um i think i'll go down the
gym pump some iron
so desmond what about you don't look at
me i don't know anything about flowers
i'm not a florist you don't know
anything about hair but you're still a
baba
what you know what barbarian when last
you had your hair cut you dare not take
off your act in case the breeze blew
away what literally
i wouldn't be so loose with that tongue
of yours if i was you
you're starting to wear thin on top
yourself what
charlie come and look at the head let me
see
oh yes thank you desmond
[Laughter]
all evening
we nearly finished yet
right
isn't it pretty
you remember all those years ago when
you and i stood i mean uh like this in
front of the altar yes
your father was scrolling at me as if he
was having second thoughts about
marrying us
i think i was the one having second
thoughts i was so scared what are you
scared of oh a million on one thoughts
flash through my mind
you know how sometimes you go towards a
closed door and you put your hand out to
open it because there's something really
important on the other side that you
want yes and then you hesitate for a
moment before you eternally hungry
that's right
you know what i'm trying to say of
course you women are the only people
that get butterflies in your tummy i was
scared to frighten the dead in fact
i suddenly started wondering if love was
like a ball of string that one day you'd
get to the end of it
but we tidy ends together
in a lover's daughter
meal wasn't um that bad was it no
but this is better
i now pronounce you man
what a grand job you've done here why
thank you there's only rubbish
mrs ambrose
i was wondering if you would mind
helping linda with the sunday school
this week uh what a trifle stuck
oh i can't see why not oh we ambrose is
like to help don't we desmond oh yes
yeah
are we not doing anything important on
sunday are we well you're not i am sean
and i are going to give a quiet mature
lesson in the art of domino play
excuse me
[Applause]
uh hello
why you have to tell the vicar you're
playing dummy knows on sunday
right
you think you're going to draw a huh
[Laughter]
put that stupid book down and pay
attention to me
but you said i had to read about the
game before sunday no more no i said you
have to learn to read the game
and you can only do that by playing it
feel the pieces they come alive in your
hand they talk to you
i'm coming or coming
you're wasting your breath the only
learning that you understand is book
learning you don't have the same animal
instincts like we do
i wouldn't boast if i were you desmond
there's an old african saying
a tiger has seven whiskers but where do
you stand to count
think them it
you can't frighten me
wow
when is this game starting after lunch
tomorrow i mean you can't play dominoes
on an empty stomach
well no a table would be better
yes a table would be better
one thing i've grown to love in this
country is this traditional sunday lunch
the gathering of family and best love
friends around the table
oh the subtle aroma of the sizzling side
of beads
don't bust a blood vessel i was going to
invite you to lunch
i just have to hurry back from sunday
school ah yes the sunday school teacher
i used to hate sunday school i had to
polish my shoes put on my long trousers
and my mother used to look in my ears at
least a dozen times before i left the
house i wonder what she was looking for
his brains
i hold the surface before tomorrow
i wonder if they still sing the same
hymns that we used to of course things
like that never change
all things bright and beautiful
all creatures great and small
earth is wise and wonderful then our god
made them all
each little flowers
[Music]
[Applause]
without him
i thought we were staying here at the
church oh no
most sundays we have a trip arranged
it was linda's idea to take them to
crystal palace but she made a few
minutes ago to say that she couldn't
make it because her mother is ill
so if you'd rather not i don't know
crystal palace
i'll have to phone and let this one know
i'll be home later than i thought of
course
do an
071
then another then sent thank you
as there are only six of them uh
i think this should cover the expenses
thanks
six not one two three four
there's one
yes we're going on a sunday school
outing yes
christmas where are we going soon soon
soon
crystal palace crystal palace christmas
just calm down please
i want you all if you can to be on your
best behavior for mrs ambrose
ambrosia let's call her miss rice
pudding
the service is about to start i really
must be going uh
but you've got to peel them first
sean will show you how um uh about um
three o'clock yes bye
oh bless you
thank you
uh-uh
that is for your lunch so you will eat
it at lunch time right everyone in twos
come on come on otherwise we'll never
get to crystal palace you do want to go
don't you nah
that is a shame because you're going
anywhere come on
off we go
miss yes yeah wait wait stop what is it
guess what wayne's around the corner
having a cigarette shall we just leave
him miss having a cigarette
what corner over there
right
wait here
wayne
i don't think it's a good idea for you
to smoke why not i do it all the time
well you're not going to do it today
who's going to stop me
no one
[Music]
you are going to stop of your own accord
because we're not going anywhere until
you do oh no
[Music]
don't care i've got loads more
give them to me
everyone in twos off we go
in twos come on
[Music]
[Applause]
stop
the one
two three
four
there's somebody missing
who is it amani oh he's in a toilet mix
[Music]
where is that boy where is
[Music]
i said stop running around and sit down
why don't you come over here and sit
beside me
now
we're gonna have a great time at crystal
palace today aren't we
there's so much to do
there's a huge dinosaurs there's the zoo
there's the maze miss why is waiting on
that bus over there
[Laughter]
[Music]
here comes desmond ambrose masterchef
don't put up your glass too hi desmond
you're hot enough for any woman
[Music]
yo
john
just a minute one two three
wait don't move
everything's fine
yes yes just put this one down please
[Applause]
charlie what's going on dad oh wait wait
wait you in camerawell cemetery
i thought he was supposed to be at
crystal palace
not much of an outing for the children
in a cemetery not much life there
my dad there's one look i've lost one of
the children i started out with six and
now i only got five you said to start
you know i'm not talking about potatoes
i'm talking about when he got on the
wrong bus he didn't fancy the cemetery
desmond don't be stupid i lost him how
come you never lose any of ours sheila
i don't know so what do you want me to
do i'm gonna go back to the bus station
and i want you to meet me there so you
can take care of the other kids
how will i recognize you
just get there please and hurry up
stay where you are
what hurry up i'm hurrying i'm hurrying
all right everything will be all right
as long as we don't panic don't worry
dad you're finding no sweat
jacket you've never managed to hire me
for very long have you then precisely
come with me let's go oh hang on what
the match uncle pork pineapple beer in a
minute oh i'm much postponed due to
unforeseen circumstances leave a note on
the door hey you're pretty cool in an
emergency dad well i'm an ambrose we're
known for our calmness throughout the
whole of the year
you finished yeah correct let's go
to potatoes
sorry i've turned them down the chicken
you can't have cocoa chicken 2500 and
half forget again you'll get mad foul
disease
you stare and finish the lunch the thing
to remember is that you only make a bad
situation worse by panicking right um
um
it's next to the corn flakes then
dad what you still got your slippers on
man
[Music]
desmond
don't test my faith
he was on a bus desperate but why didn't
you stop him with what a roadblock
miss miss what is it amani i want to go
to the toilet no
yes
wait
there's one you're going to have to take
your kids back to the shop with you i'm
going to phone the faker you must be
halfway across london by now no you
won't you'll be in church
i mean wayne i mean the vicar you can't
phone him he'll be in church he'll have
his mobile what's this world commenter
when vicar's got phones
listen children
you'll have to go back to the barber
shop with mr ambrose yay
all right all right all right come on
come on let's form an orderly come on
okay let's go
my dad says you wouldn't go to desmond's
if he's tripping over his own hair
all right children come along now come
along
hello
vicar
welcome the man you're making us late hi
listen popeye
if you're invited to a person's home for
lunch or dinner you don't turn up too
early and if you knew shirley's cooking
like i do you would be camping outside
the shop from last night
i'm out watering already
i'm coming
what's this the feeding of the 5 000
one two three four oh no guess what
there's one missing
it's not like simone here he comes
i'll tell you what we'll do mrs ambrose
i'll shorten the service and as soon as
you get here we'll take my car and go
looking for him
last verse
okay okay
geez now i get the picture
so what we supposed to do with you lot
then date them up
well i suppose you all want lunch yay
what is it chicken yes
i don't like chicken i don't think i
lifted lunch
i'll tell you what children why don't
y'all come over here and watch your
uncle matthew and me play dummy nose no
we want to play hairdressers no you
mustn't come here you
oh you're going to behave nice
hosta lavista baby
how are you come here
i'll be back
do you know what we do with bad boys in
africa
well we make them stand still with their
hands behind their back and say i must
not be naughty you must not be naughty
just stop that pile up i better catch me
breath and then i'm gonna take charge of
things dad sit down before you fall down
i want to go to the toilet
[Laughter]
i'm hungry really hungry
don't you want some lunch or something
no
why don't you children pretend to give
your uncle pork buy a haircut they'll
have to process it you don't have any
hair
okay i'm the barber
look dad look dad i think i'm gonna go
upstairs and panic about the lunch okay
just make sure they don't kill each
other each other
no
i don't have to wash my hands because i
didn't go to the toilet but you have to
wash your hands before lunch yes i will
don't worry i'll help you matthew but
down the boy my desmond the wretched boy
says he's tired
[Applause]
look look
get over here at once
i suppose you think you're funny
i was only having a laugh you see me
laughing
you can't even take a joke now you hear
me and hear me good
you are the most selfish child i have
ever met you ruined the trip to crystal
palace
i was worried sick not knowing what had
happened to you
and now my husband is having to look
after all the other children while i
come out looking for you huh
you obviously did this because you
wanted more attention from me well
now you've got it
i'm gonna understand try me
i might
not forget it sorry right
if you were one of mine you're just like
my gran it's not my fault if you can't
take a joke
fine well you carry on with your fallen
jokes do exactly as you please
i'm going to see the vicar and then i'm
going back to the shop goodbye
i said i'm sorry
right tell me about your question
don't stir it so slow man whisk it look
dad i don't know what i'm doing you know
let me do it i don't want lumps in my
gravy
dad what makes your fingers gonna have
lumps in it
and it's too thin it should be so sick
you could slice it dad desmond
it's best to let a man make his own
gravy i should know i'm a gravy
connoisseur well you don't continue
destroying my soviets and let me educate
my son give me the spoon no
gravy was the cause of my downfall pogba
is there a story attached to this by any
chance
it was the very night i was going to ask
my wife to marry me i cooked her this
lovely meal all her favorite things okra
sweet potato yum roast chicken beans
what about the gravy i'll come into that
man
don't you taste my gravy she asked me to
marry her
never underestimate the power of gravy
let me see your hands
check
check thank you uncle desmond and i
tidied the bathroom as well
congratulations sit down
all right it's nearly ready now good i'm
starving
well if i may say so that chicken is not
going to go very far that's right it's
dead
don't be good as far as my stomach
that's fine with me well i'll have to
because it's all we've got uncle pork
pie
got enough for three more hardly
charlie you found it yes i wasn't far
away
[Applause]
sit down and shut up
yes i'll tell you all about it later
vicar would you stay to lunch oh i don't
know if i should mrs ambry's that
doesn't seem enough to go round
it's the least we can do
well
i'll tell you what
you know the story of the loaves and
fishes yes
you can do that can you
but i know a man who can
[Applause]
so
you