are you going to bug me i might get a
mug you it's that gorgeous one
and i believe i can run for decent
marathon
download
now
from the long run
[Music]
let's keep the music sweet
[Music]
hey this what'd you write into the
outfit then wick it over
little red riding hood
if you're looking for your grandma's
house you're too late it's been
repossessed
funny days funny and i thought this was
supposed to be an express sandwich
service oh it is lee arrives two hours
late and we all get to express ourselves
all right
what time do you call this yeah sorry
about that i couldn't find a can opener
well you lost your car keys again
uh that's tune in tomorrow and this
a tuna cucumber this
salad supreme looks like tuna to me
i'll take ps3 how much 270. charge it to
my
account yes man i must speak to you hey
man look tuna sandwiches make very good
for the brain lee please
look if anyone asks you haven't seen me
my optician told me i was short sighted
not blamed
at first i thought it was a dream but
then i saw the red light on my answer
phone played by the tape and there it
was the voice of doom oh one of those
heavy breather calls was it yeah nice to
get them you did yeah until i got the
girlfriend to give up the smoking
what is this all about i've never seen
you in such a state my sister florence
oh yes oh can i knew those words with
straight face your hats
she's not here again is she and that
awful little husband of us has the other
matthew no
but she has come to fetch me home to the
gambia
apparently i've got to go and help my
father run his business she could be
here in a minute good i'll help you back
that's what you've got to hide me no
surely certain enough after the last
time telling her and her husband this
was your shop and we were your grateful
employees now but i thought we started
that when i was having treatment i won't
be too sure about that man uh how am i
going to avoid her i mean her london
base is in my house
this one
shirley please i wish to seek herself
i'm on the grounds of persecution
matthew i know your sister florence is a
domineering loudmouth so-and-so who
thinks she's superior to most other
beings but there's no reason for you to
hide let me have sean's room while he's
away but this is the first place she's
going to look what can i do go home and
hide under your bed why don't you try to
you foster him he wouldn't qualify so
well how much are you willing to pay for
a room
you know a place as a matter of fact i
do and they're only charging 10 pounds a
night oh where would that be booked
right my place
you cannot be serious well you need a
place to hide i need to pay for these
sandwiches take it or leave it well
there's an old african saying
the man who doesn't have any place to
rest doesn't turn his nose up at the
heap said to old africans beggars can't
well rubbish
be choosers
i can't see florence trips in the wrong
country state looking for you
yes
you're all right i need a deposit 20
pounds no cheques
come a map i'll give you a lift mate
look i need to stop off and pick up a
few belongings
walk by i presume you don't have a
garlic press a what
i'll tell you what i'll give that flash
here 24 hours that is highest
i brought you some tea
i didn't want any well i brought you
some anyway
and there was only one old juice tea bag
left
i hope you didn't throw it away
well i did so then
um what are you having for dinner
fish fingers is that the best you can do
no but that's the best you're going to
get
maybe we should get a tech away will
they take you away too
who's that
i don't know i haven't opened the door
as yet
it could be your sister
open this door i know you are in there
you could be right she has been known to
do strange impersonations
supplies supplies
oh look we can't stop we just pop butter
give it ease yeah emergency rations to
see you through the siege well how very
kind of you you must have read my mind
why is that in paperback man
for all of this
uncle
you mean from the house well yeah we had
a fridge raid yeah mum and dad donated
the veg and i sacrificed my yogurt are
they in a biscuit that's a little
fugitive aren't you
look i better put these in the fridge
before they go off it's like a furnace
in here and it must be all the friction
are you uncooking
have there been any sightings of my
sister flores no sign of the enemy yet
mr grant why is it so warm in here
you're getting ready for global warming
it's no wonder you can't afford to pay
your bills really you should try to
think more economically why now that
you're here i don't have to think more
economically
you can afford to pay any bill they care
to send me
listen if you need anything else just
give us a call right
thanks for having us then mr grant it's
all right louise it was a pleasure i'm
sorry i couldn't offer you a cup of tea
but this man threw away my tea bag
you could have asked i can see trouble
brewing here come here
don't squeeze the toothpaste in the
middle
wish my telephone wasn't disconnected
why
i would call that sister of yours and
tell her that you're here
and when florence puts in an appearance
you can deal with it i'm not good at
telling lies oh i don't know my sweet
you convinced that woman that she needed
two bottles of horrible shampoo and what
she really needed was a hair transplant
so it should be a pushover well if she
comes here and starts making trouble
that's exactly what i'm going to do to
her
push her over
and stop shopping me
[Music]
is she here no
no so come in you ungrateful student
[Music]
uh watching it be gentlemen pistols or
swords
will you please explain to your friend
popeye that it is just common courtesy
to allow one's guests first use of the
bathroom in the morning and shirley will
you please explain to your friend
matthew that hot water doesn't grow on
trees
that's the sort of nurses i've had to
listen to all night you could have gone
out
london's got pogba prisoners do not
enemies
mouth quick your sister just pulled out
my cab vehicle has landed am i
fleeing
florence
this is a surprise greeting shirley
after you desmond oh hello florence back
so soon soon it's been over a year des
moines oh yeah it seems like only
yesterday
activity for a friday afternoon desmond
that's true but that this is a barber
shop not a sports center can i get you
anything
tea cups some tea would be nice and a
few biscuits but not those nasty ones
that look as if they've been used as a
throttle
i'll come with you check for flies
no sugar for me little girl
i'm sweet enough already wouldn't you
now that we think the refreshments
organized
i have to confess that this is not a
social visit
i have come to fish my brother matthew
to take him back home with me to the
gambia
you see my father is feeling his age and
he wishes for matthew to come and help
him run the family business
so being a responsible and caring
daughter i felt it my duty to see to it
that my father's wishes are granted no
sooner had he ordered the world and i
hopped on a plane and okay i am how nice
but the question is where is my brother
i presume you know his whereabouts well
of course we do
he's gone on holiday
honey dead
where to
he didn't say exactly but i think he may
have gone uh uh on a cruise support
chair though
yeah yeah yeah
on the cruise that place in algarve
well he doesn't seem to have taken much
with him our visit at his flat all his
suitcases are still there
that's because he's gone on a survival
course a what to portugal no in the
outer hebrides because i thought you
said portugal yes i did he forgot
portugal was cancelled yes he traveled
overbooked so they sent him on a
survival course instead okay out of
hybrid
in scotland
a little out of character for someone so
used to fine wines and table napkins and
so entirely remote from the mysteries of
haggis
yes
he has also forgotten to cancel his milk
which makes me very suspicious you see
for all his shortcomings my brother is a
very orderly man
still not to worry i am a very
determined daughter i'm sure i'll track
him down
mr ambrose junior
michael isn't it mrs mcfarlane nice to
see you again um how's your husband
matthew the other matthew is he um he's
on an important business trip in
dusseldorf but he's fine fine good good
well it's been lovely talking to you
can't stop though for the books actually
father where are they
at upstairs
she'd been waiting for a bus
get up get up
thank you gloria yes thank you pleasure
this must be a west indian custom
chocolate biscuits with tea
oh sorry we didn't have anything else
well if i knew you were coming i would
have baked a
[Applause]
not cake
excuse me
don't i know you who me yes i have an
excellent memory for names
it's steak pie isn't it
it's pork with a pea pork pie oh yes i
knew it had something to do with dead
animals
although where are the books i can't
find them anywhere ah michael
one moment please
i don't suppose you have seen my brother
matthew yes he's just in the bathroom
[Applause]
matthew come down the ass once
hello flores what a pleasant surprise
what did all this talk about the outer
hebrides and survival haggis are you
hiding from me don't you know your
father i want you to come home
you can bear to close that mouth of
yours for just a few seconds i have
something to say
i'm sure you'll be delighted to know
that i've decided to accept father's
offer and i will be returning home
for good
[Music]
what can i say
look i didn't know anything about it
nobody told me you were hiding in the
bathroom i was not hiding michael i was
lying low yes but i'm sorry to go to
your car okay look if there's anything i
can do today well it's done now so shall
we get down to business
yes the matter of transferring the rents
from your property to your foreign
accounts in the gambia i've just got
some forms for you to sign
matthew why can't you tell your folks
that you don't want to return home to
run the business
sometimes it is better to go with the
flow i flew
meaningful exactly
and one can hardly appeal to her
emotional side
my sister you have noticed has all the
sensitivity of a sherman tank
he said matthew she's not the one that
wants you home i mean surely you can
ring your father and say you have other
commitments here no
you see in the game the gambia look i
know things are different there matthew
but you're using it as an excuse for
some pretty weak need yellow-bellied
behavior
may i remind you michael that if we
trained for you i wouldn't be going home
at all
[Applause]
and yours matthew
everything all right say thought i had
raised voices
yes everything's fine thank you man
a mug
well you're not leaving us and i thought
it's a little unfair that matthew should
drink his last drop of english tea from
a mug
you know
we're all gonna miss you matthew but i
hope you'll be taking away some fun
memories of us all
well some of us at least
you know i know we've only met on a few
occasions but i feel we could have
become very close that's enough mandy
i was only trying to say farewell
you mean you won't be coming to the shop
this evening no why is there something
going on
oh my kind and thoughtful friends have
organized a farewell party
didn't michael tell you no he didn't
matthew it slipped my mind
well
may i take this opportunity to extend a
personal invitation to you mandy
we'd love to come
we're going to miss him you know
your brother he's sort of groaned on us
yes i can imagine it must be like the
water i had on my little finger can you
see just there it was then one day i
gave it a rub and proof it just fell off
i'd like to try it on but i'll drag
matthew's body on next
[Laughter]
i hope you're not going to go away
forget about us matthew i don't suppose
you'll give me a chance
you'll be wanting to visit for holidays
i expect yeah you bet i always knew i
had a soft spot for matthew
and now this is the fair well i'm going
to give you two farewell kisses
stingy you can have four from me
inshallah said to give you this oh thank
you
it's um anthony isn't it
yeah yeah that's right
you're uh
michael's mandy aren't you no i'm not
michael's anything actually i mean i
work for him but i'm not his
are you anybody i beg your pardon
don't mind if i do
all right all right listen everybody
uh lee turn off the music
ladies and gentlemen
we have gathered here to witness the end
of
what has been a long and arduous journey
a journey undertaken by our good friend
machu here through the hallowed halls of
academia aka what demon you know oxford
region all that uh oh oxbridge yes on
the piccadilly line in it
quiet when your elders are speaking
thank you florence
it's been 16 years since matthew came
into this shop to ask for the directions
to the local library
and um
ever since then he's been a regular
visitor to this shop he came and he sat
and he sat
some people might say that his time here
has been wasted but i would dispute that
time spent in partying knowledge and
wisdom can never be wasted and for us
getting to meet someone from the
fatherland has been of immense value yes
now we can all say we know at least one
old african saying
[Applause]
so much my dear friend uh michael i
would like you to accept this gift as a
small token of our affection and
admiration
there is an old african city
a word to the wise is sufficient but for
pork by its benefit i'll add a few more
but first of all i'd like to give thanks
to desmond and shirley for organizing
this wonderful party
this evening has shown me what
good kind and generous friends i've made
during my brief stay in the united
kingdom and africa oh come on man shut
up and have your present
i was forgetting
um we'd like you to look at it as a
commemorative of many of the close
shaves you've had in our shop
a very strange present
they do realize we have electricity in
the gambia i suppose
thank you shirley and desmond
now
everybody
let's boogie
i would like to say a few words
with regards to the sudden and untimely
departure of my good friend matthew it's
all right paul paul i ain't gonna bury
him you know when i first met matthew i
thought he was just a pompous arrogant
african student
but over the years i've come to realize
he's something else a good friend i mean
who else would sit next to me with this
newspaper blocking my view and accuse me
of reading his over his shoulder
who else would be coating african
proverbs in my ears at all hours
fill in the cross for when it's his turn
to play the domino and squeeze the
toothpaste in the middle like he did the
other night
but who else would sometimes improve
sorry everybody
step this way about you we have another
present for you from pogba
it's only temporary until i can afford
your full name oh no
i like it left as it is pogba really
i don't know what to say except that all
right save that till later because you
you've got one more present to come me
more
yeah well we couldn't let you go without
giving you a farewell song could we
no no no no no give us a chance i can
sing a look here
come on then go on
goodbye matthew fighting
fighters
yeah all right well maybe i can't sing
but here are three lovely young ladies
who can ladies and gentlemen please give
a warm welcome all the way from south
africa progress
[Applause]
goodbye
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
is
we wish you well
wherever you go
may your life be blessed forever
cause you look so lovely sitting there
we're so lucky to have you as a friend
farewell to you
may the lord bless you
dmf
you
may the lord bless you
[Applause]
oh
[Applause]
[Music]
goodbye dear friends
may the lord bless you dear
[Applause]
all right all right ladies and gentlemen
i would like to propose a toast to
matthew
matthew goodbye
i mean who would have thought lee's head
could have done so much of damage but it
wasn't his head there's so much as the
force for which florence hurled him at
it just because he tried to goose her
poor matthew eh fancy having a sister
like that
hey you wanna pop i
i made you some tea well thank you
shirley
oh
i wasn't thinking you know it's just
automatic tea for two oh listen surely
if there's a cup of that going back help
yourself
hello
what are you doing here you're supposed
to be up there on your way to over there
i didn't have to go after all what do
you mean you didn't have to go yes i
demand an explanation i've got to be
having a joint very well part of the
people who come back before they even
gone
i'm sure matthew can explain better if
you just calm down desmond
well you see i was waiting for sister
florence all packed and ready to go when
the phone rang it was her florence
she performed the gambia to tell my
father that her mission had been
accomplished and she was bringing me
home and now apparently my father said
what's the devil for
and she said to help you run the
business as you requested that uh and he
said my son must you help run the
business are you out of your head you
stupid woman
i met your husband
my son-in-law the other matthew what
so
you don't have to go after all
no so we are stuck with you here again
it would seem so right
what you're doing right i'm going to
call that engraver and get a refund on
this plaque
not me attention of spending money on
this student who doesn't have the
decency to go on stage on
is he going to be like this for the next
16 years yes
welcome back matthew
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
you