are you going to bug me i might get a
mug you it's that gorgeous one
and i believe i can run for decent
marathon
downloading now
[Music]
is
i wouldn't make myself so comfortable in
that chair if i were you matthew you
said the same thing yesterday desmond
and when pork pie did turn up he only
stayed for five minutes he's been
behaving very mysteriously lately um
addie was wearing these sunday best and
it's only tuesday exactly he must have
found a new girlfriend new girlfriend
what about his faithful fiancee
did i have fearful and sushi in the same
you just watch your step vince that's my
little sister you're talking about who
is big enough to look after herself
time them to get married they need his
and her zimmer frames to get down here
many a good tune is played on an old
fiddle shirt
you sure you can still read the music
desmond why i have a perfect pitch keep
you extreme
whatever it is for choice up to i'm sure
he'd let us know in his own good time
that's true shirley he never could keep
a secret
cop these lot yeah we picked him up
while he was out getting the stock
entered in 1993 mr shimmer and shine
competition sounds like a shoe polish to
me they've been advertising this thing
everywhere
you must have heard it on the radio does
make your hair look fine shimmer and
shine
for the man who's always in control
i keep telling your desmond we should be
more up-to-date and start some of these
things but left to you you'd still be
using coconut island bay rum on people's
hair
that's all fine and well in a silent
movie era but what about the man of
today
how you were planning on entering the
competition
oh sorry it's for people with hair
no contestants can be any age 18 to 80.
oh bad like this i mean you're only 17
and a half
i must have a good physique uh uh now
we're talking eh
should be attractive suave
debonair it's a pity i'm overqualified
must have stamina songs as if they're
looking for a resource
first prize is a weekend trip to paris
plus a year's supply of shimmer and
shine if i were a man i'd enter if i
were black i don't know if i could get
that year caught tied in
slip stitch hairdressers why not enter
one of your clients for the title of mr
shimmer and shine 1993. ah think of all
the mileage you could get out of this
desk think of all the free publicity
yeah if one of our customers won it
would be a miracle
most of your customers are cranially
challenged what
baldur's bored
send a by eight photograph and tell us a
little bit about the entrant in not more
than 25 words
well surely he must be somebody we could
enter for this competition hey sean what
about mr mac he had a beautiful header
here yeah that was years ago desmond he
could be as bald as a billiard ball by
now
what about bird sniffing's grandson you
mean but i can never remember that child
near
the child is only four years old yes but
he has a holy fire on his
if you head determined to enter someone
for this competition you may as well be
prepared for disappointment also
statistics is simple
the probability is taking the factor y
multiplied by x to the power 2 divided
by z always assuming that all other
letters are constant the outcome will be
negative
in other words
so many people will enter the
competition that the likelihood of your
winning will be
zilch
what if everybody was a mathematical
genius like you machu they would come to
the conclusion that they can't win so
they won't enter sony i would enter
therefore we bound to win
now where is pork pie
[Applause]
stop
goodbye pogba the poor pensioner and
hello augustus neapolitan cleveland
grant school crossing attendant
you may cross now in safety
one does never cease
man that's brilliant
well done poor nice i'm talking man hey
poggy i could do you a nice line of
reflective clothing mate armbands gloves
all right all right congratulations wolf
i don't know why you keep it such a
secret i wanted to be sure first you see
there was a short list but this short
list was a very long list
i don't think i'd get the job uh
congratulations
now i'll have more room to maneuver i
can just maneuver your behind out of my
seat
first i saw this i've come out of
retirement good for you
no good for susu now i'll be able to
save up for the airfare to jamaica the
wedding the reception the honeymoon you
know she wants to go to las vegas
then there's the house well good place
perhaps you're setting examples of some
of the layabouts that hang around this
place day in and day out oh hello
stranger don't i know you from somewhere
no no don't tell me it's on the tip of
my tongue isn't it father you know i've
been rushed off my feet since my
promotion look tony i want you to spruce
me up a bit i've got to look good for
the shoot today shoot somebody gonna
shoot you no father
the back of taking some photographs for
the in-house magazine it's the usual
thing when a new manager is appointed
i'm having a double page spread what
they couldn't fit your head on one page
in my new position there shall be
several of these photo opportunities
there's also a pretty hectic social
schedule to go with it just as well i've
got the stamina to pick up the ball and
run with it so to speak stanley now you
will let us have one of those
photographs when they're done with your
song of course mother i'll let you have
some in a day or two oh good i've been
thinking of taking up a new hobby dutch
what they're looking for michael is
something that captures the bank's new
image
how about this
he's got a very good profile
look at that strong masculine jawline
a little bit more relaxed
a bit more
[Laughter]
let me try the other side
a savings account are not now port pie
i'm posing
shall we have one together to
commemorate our joint promotion
[Music]
oh just one more no no no no
where'd you get now shh not so loud he
almost looks human yeah i know
it's obviously been retouched now we've
got to do is fill in the form i'll pop
it in a post pronto how are we going to
find 25 flat room words to write about
michael oh with great difficulty yeah
i know so can i get you to enter the
competition uh what competition you mean
you've been sitting in this church so
long you won't even really leave it yet
oh that no i don't even tell people that
come here
much less footage in print
how many years i've been cutting you're
here yes since
1968 and you still don't get it right
come on
same time next week
i mean if the customers don't do as
they're told all right they expect me to
get them to enter win and get this whole
leap
only kind of publicity you will be
getting is adverse publicity
your attitude to customers leaves a lot
to be desired my attitude what about
this the customer is always right not in
my shop they ain't impressed with the
children the way you speak to your
customers i wouldn't have a job oh
that's the beauty of being self-employed
i wouldn't trade places with you for
anything desmond you see in my new job
i'm out in the fresh air meeting all
sorts of people
i'm being with the kids all day
keeps me young
oh we'll some power the gifty gears to
see ourselves as other see us you better
stick to your african proverbs
i've got work to do
[Music]
[Applause]
all right how about makes friends easy
michael get real when he was a kid he
couldn't even get a pen pal
oh hello hey
there's money's pork pie all right he's
well enough to tell me how to run my
business right well nothing
but look
i just collected michael's picture from
the framers isn't it wonderful
oh it's wonderful
why do we have to put any picture in
spoilery frame
i'll have to get several copies done one
for susu
one for uncle leo and guyana and we
mustn't forget beverly his godmother
whoever took that must be a genius you
mean a magician
you're only jealous
i think he looks rather
dignified thank you
hmm look at that look at that
strong jawline
determined set of the chin
clear gentle eyes
that generous mouth
this is a man of action
[Music]
oh thanks gloria
well charlie today's the day i'm gonna
get one of my miserable ungrateful
customers to enter this competition even
if i have to bribe them
good morning sir i'm only test oh boy
oh look at his he's only gone and got
himself selected hasn't he
what do we do now look we've just been
it right michael i never know what if
michael is that a letter for michael
in a way
yeah
so what you doing reading michael's mail
i only read the envelope lee read the
letter
lee
well
you entered michael's name for the
competition oh dad mom you already did
it for a laugh wouldn't i expect him to
get selected really oh no i'm done let's
just forget about it no you can't do
that no she's not taking any prisoners
they got michael's name here they know
who he is they'll just think he just
didn't butter to turn up on the day just
another slack unreliable black man hold
on sure hold on the only thing i'm
trying to hold on to is my son's good
name
he's a bank manager no yeah it was on
noose at 10.
pulling a childish prank like this and
then thinking you can just pretend it
didn't happen
your mother is right you'll have to tell
him oh yeah thank you desmond yes make
sure he shows up make sure he wins what
jasmine i don't think you heard me right
he can't enter this competition why not
just think of all the free publicity
we'll get if he wins
you are always knocking michael his head
is too big his feet too big his bottom
is too big and now just because you want
a little bit of publicity you don't mind
if he make a fool of himself i want to
know he does it all the time
there's one way to settle this you
better go and see him who me he won't
listen to me doesn't even like me look
he's already in love with me either
tough
oh it's your fault
well well well if it isn't the golden
oldie my boy lollipop
what's the matter pogba you look like
somebody's knocked the stuffing out of
you that's just how i feel shirley
the journey from one side of the street
to the other is getting longer and
longer
i thought all you had to do was stand up
in the middle of the road and stop the
traffic
that's the easy part
there's a woman with five children
two in the pram and three trailing
behind my first day on duty i made the
mistake of carrying the littlest one
across the road
no he won't cross unless i carry him
just stands there screaming
and there's mrs francis on her shopping
she can never manage last week i helped
her now today she just stood there
waiting for me to help her again
mind you she did give me a tip but you
didn't hear me say that
he's blind goes to the betting shop five
times a day
i don't know who told him my name but he
just yells poke boy pop boy poke point
until i take him across
oh so poor why you're doing three jobs
and one yes nanny porter guy dog
under your feet are dropping off so tell
me what can i do
well do you remember why you took this
job
yes
saving up to marry susu
exactly
and dead men don't make good husbands
[Laughter]
oh come on mike i mean what you got to
lose it's only a local competition what
is the point lee what have i got to gain
a lot michael i agree with gloria and
lee you've obviously forgotten about
this memo from head office they want a
new type of customer friendly management
and this is the perfect opportunity to
show that you're down to earth and
fun-loving yeah a fun-loving bank
manager that's a wicked concept
his idea of fun is playing with his
laptop warrior please
you've got to start somewhere and soon
you'll be opening fates judging beauty
competitions making guest appearances on
celebrity squares well it won't be long
before someone nominates you to stand
for parliament you really think so mandy
oh i hope i've immigrated by then sure
of it i mean everybody wants to be
friends with their bank manager the
invitations will be rolling in do you
want us for our social life uh our
social life mandy of course you need the
support of a good woman i'll be your
hillary clinton support man it's in your
local hair competition
so you're gonna do it
now uh me will think about it
[Music]
every time he comes in here these days
he falls asleep that's because he's
wearing himself to a frasiler in that
crossing
father stop coming right here otherwise
i want to have anybody left for the
competition michael can you stop talking
you're cracking the mars girl
just keep your foot still huh
and your fingers
mom got any cotton buds left because
there's something strange down there
you remember to brush your teeth a
mother please
you know when you were little you didn't
have a side parting
if you out props it'll help you to look
a little younger
oh no this is ridiculous if i'd not
about to put up with this torch i've
never agreed to go through with it
you're one ungrateful boy here we are
trying to make a pork chop out of a
pig's bottom
desmond please
how's it going then mm-hmm
oh yes i can see it already a whole new
campaign the glistening bank
that likes to say yo
michael i brought you a buttonhole
matthew i'm not getting married no but
there's an old african saying oh
when the white house goes to town he
wears his best hat
think about it
but his feet were on my seat if that's
how you feel i'll go i was only here to
land my support anyway some of us have
to work in the mornings
remember muscle and what i said mike use
your charm charisma
look anything right just make sure you
win why because am i being a bank
manager reputation on all that no no
i've started a book bookmate look
there's a whole lot of money riding on
you see i've told everyone you don't
stand a chance in hell so they've backed
all the others
is there ever going to be a day when we
do something that you can make money on
no um
can i take this thing off now cause it's
getting hot
oh it's just about ready to come off
it looks painful now if i were at home i
could cure that in five minutes we'll go
home and get the cure then i meant
africa not to come up do something i'll
show anything quick i don't think
there's anything i can do it looks like
an allergy to me my energy
call the ambulance
put it in loads of cold water it'd be as
bright as rain in the morning what do
you mean in the morning yeah we work
back tonight because there's always
something about at a time like this what
else you wanted to think about these
jody frog and bring it into our shoes
listen i've got some really good
foundation upstairs shall guys i don't
want
[Laughter]
i've got a board meeting in the morning
[Music]
[Applause]
and so we come to our last contestant
who goes by a name that's famous in
local hairdressing ambrose
so let's see reform mr
desmond ambrose
you all know desmond who's lived in
peckham for a very long time but not
only is he an expert barber it says here
enjoys many outdoor pursuits
tennis
skiing
hang gliding
so desmond how long have you been using
shimmer and shine oh so long i can
hardly remember but this is their very
first promotion in england ah yes well
sir i ran into shimmer and shine years
ago when i visited relatives in new york
since then they send it to me regularly
so now that shimmer and shine is
available in this country will you be
recommending it to your customers oh yes
certainly i always give them what they
ask for
in my barbershop the customer is always
right
[Applause]
[Music]
and so ladies and gentlemen it gives me
great pleasure to give you our winner
mr
for the man that's always in control
[Music]
thank you sir do come again
thanks what's with the whistling flute
eh and why are you all dolled up cheryl
well buy some fluke he won the
competition no he thinks we're all going
to be famous fluke that was no fluke
woman that was a well planned strategy
and it paid off i use a whole thing of
slick black yeah now it's all over the
pillowcases
right we're on the map now any moment
there can be photographers here so want
this place look as if it run like a
business gloria go and stand by the tail
and look busy machu clear up them books
lee either look busy or come out in the
shop
gloria stop swell up your mouth
yes man i know you're gonna be a big
night soon you know but come over here
no one caught me you're in a man i'm
telling you right away who are you
calling saul are you trying to be funny
with me
what i can't understand is how come one
of those young men didn't win didn't you
see the article shell no
been too busy the boss man has been
busting me around all morning the
promoters of shimmer and shine chose
desmond ambrose as a surprise winner
because he opened their eyes to a whole
new marketing area
hair products for the elderly
yes that's because young men don't have
this style they don't know how to uh put
it across
hey poor quiet
where are your uniform
in here oh why'd you work because i'm
here i'm not going to work i'm taking my
uniform back and i'm calling it a day
i'm just too old for this job shirley
too oh word have you seen this
what
you entered and you win
but man you look great
slick black
you should use it all the time ah all
soldiers never die they simply
fade to grave
still admiring that picture well you
just remember whose face it would have
been if it hadn't fallen victim to one
of glorious potions and don't forget who
gave you that face in the first place i
thought you did it all by yourself right
i'm off to work
mr lolly mr lully what are you doing all
waiting to cross the road you're waiting
for me yeah i want to see how long it'd
be before a bus hits you come on 2 36 is
coming
well
duty calls
that's my spar
there's life in the old dogs yet epoch
come on
[Applause]
[Music]
ah