[Music]
my
[Music]
let's keep the music sweet wind up your
wears
yeah this is the first thing i ever did
still untitled
although when i was putting together on
my mum's kitchen table several names
were suggested for it
i think at one point it was good
disgusting
but it's free
honey claw have you seen how much you're
charging for that lump of scrap metal
that one of alex is he mean lee oh
is that one of his as well
it's nice
you think alex has sold anything yet
gloria why don't you ask him yourself
he's not a star yet you know come with
me no i'm okay here standing on my own i
get enough practice things oh will you
stop it i don't know what's up with you
at the moment you're turning into a real
whinge bag pardon me you heard
watch where you're going michael oh
gloria i'm glad to see you in a better
mood than you were the last time
hello ronnie hi michael heard about your
promotion congratulations yes well you
know bank manager today fraud squad a
week on monday
mother tells me you had an interview
this morning interview you never told me
well how did you get on put it this way
i don't need to sit in my alarm clock oh
michael my man i'm glad you can make it
alex how you doing have you sold
anything yet oh two down eight to go can
i get you a drink uh sorry i can't got
the five series outside
the five series
alex there you are sorry to interrupt oh
no problem fiona hey good news it could
be i just overheard some favorable murm
rings from mckinley it seems any doubts
you had about you have been quashed
success can't you smell it
is that what it is and i thought
somebody was sick in the toilet
can i introduce my girlfriend gloria all
right how'd you do
ronnie
and michael
yeah fiona runs the west london arts
cooperative amongst other things
you in the arts as well gloria oh no i'm
an unemployed good for nothing labour
actually yeah we have two a-levels and a
wicked sense of humor that's me yeah
gloria's been helping me get my act
together this past year yeah she's the
source of my inspiration
it's great isn't it i inspire him to
weld one piece of rubbish to another
yes
alex when you've got a moment there's
someone i wanted to meet
excuse me must go press the flesh
what is it with you gloria oh this
wine's nice
look i've had enough
you've been acting like this the whole
week
look if there's something wrong just
tell
me you decided what you want to do for
your birthday
then we could go out for a meal
all right then invite some of your
friends around another party at my place
oh yeah bring a bottle your own food
quickly cutlery why don't i just tell
everybody to mr sainsbury's just on your
cellphone
and if i don't see you tomorrow happy
birthday
you might have chosen something more
appropriate desmond
john is 20 years of age and you go and
get her a card saying she's eight
yeah she doesn't look that young it was
all they had besides the thought that
comes yes
when gloria sees this she'll know that
we never gave it a moment's start i
don't know why you're worried it'll only
end up in your rubbish bin
listen mama gotta shoot
give this a sister grim for me please
let her fox
i thought she said she didn't want any
presents this year yeah desmond you know
what gloria says and what gloria means
are two different things
if she says she's not hungry you know
she's just about to eat up the whole
house
ah the sleeping beauty awakes happy
birthday by princess
happy birthday gloria oh thanks i
ignored the band and i bought you this
anyway here thanks
i'm eight
don't look at me your father chose it oh
i love it really thanks dad
what's this
knickers
i thought you do brows as well yeah
thank you i'm just what i needed
good chance of gear this oh
black history for beginners
every black woman should know about
black men oh can i read that when you're
finished
[Music]
look do you want some breakfast oh no
i've got this that's not breakfast no
you're right it's not it's a new
beginning you see this this pineapple
was the start of a new chapter in my
life oh yes you're planning to get a job
wrestling calm in miranda
no
it's a present to myself look
i knew you in just three days first 24
hours of self pampering clearing the
mind cleansing the body
oh pass this knife dad don't forget
you've got to sign on at 11. oh don't
decide on last week
but you were three days late then
remember
i can't even have one day just one day
i didn't know you had to kill a
pineapple before you eat it
do you want something ronnie i know i'm
in a hurry
no not especially just come to wish you
a happy birthday miserable old hag
what are you up to
i'm trying to find what i did with my
card and what does it look like
oh yeah rub it in won't you von what
does it look like you haven't never seen
one close up of course listen i didn't
choose to spend every other week in
adult queue you know all right all right
let's just snap my head off when he said
card i thought you meant a birthday card
not your ub40
yeah it's randy somewhere
glor you can't go on like this well i
don't see why not bother you does it oh
i'm going to thump you in a minute you
hit me
try it you haven't forgotten that time
in the playground no no you've forgotten
the time in the toilet
alex is right this is pure
self-indulgence oh so you and alex been
talking about me yeah and i knew it
you're wanting for yourself oh yeah that
was the other thing we discussed you're
paranoia oh shut up paranoid shut up
paranoid yeah i could write a song about
it gloria ambrose self-indulgent
paranoid old winged bag
hello mrs
ambrose your father did buy you the
right card after all oh she started it i
never
grown women
this came for you
just tell me when it's half time and
i'll bring up the oranges
restart
restart what i haven't started anything
yet
it's not meant to be like this ronnie
i'm meant to be an independent woman of
the night is in charge of my own life
look it says so weird
i've got to be beautiful
brainy loaded no excuse for failure i
think you're being a bit hard on
yourself claw it's not your fault there
aren't any jobs oh that's easy for you
to say because you've got a job all i am
at the moment is alex reynolds's
girlfriend it's all nice on what they
tell you will your parents tell your
teachers tell you and these are the
worst
how to have your cake and eat it oh i'll
just send them all back
and get a refund i must at least have 50
quids worth well why don't you what
don't know what send the magazines back
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do you think you're doing back issues
i'm giving them back
the new era the new woman the new you
there you go
this is a publishing house not a
recycling plant or i could burn them got
a lot george it's all right i'm going
now you're not leaving that there george
excuse me
gloria ambrose isn't it fiona isn't it
this young lady's just dumped these
magazines and i'm not moving them i'm
making a protest you stupid woman
well amongst other things hyper optimism
the indiscriminate use of the perfect
woman
too much gloss and not enough undercoat
oh dear it seems you have a disgruntled
reader erica yes
and a friend of yours
yes gloria works with alex reynolds in
between protests yeah well i don't make
a habit of it can you spare half an hour
gloria depends what for well a chat
maybe a glass or two of wine you can
tell me all about yourself
and alex reynolds i don't deny i have an
interest in the arts but i'd rather hear
about you
clearly you have something to say
or haven't you
plenty
[Music]
i thought those chocolates were for
gloria there were but you told me she's
on a diet worry i don't see the belly
won't miss
true
i'm sorry to hear gloria's not having a
birthday party this year that's right we
can afford to pay our telephone bill but
we must have a big party next year for
21st so we'll have to re-mortgage the
shop
oh when i was 21. you were a student yes
how did you guess
i remember your 24 spoof right you do
ah yes
we were just done that gig at the silver
springs hotel an evening for lovers with
the georgetown dreamers it was me
desmond blossom sinclair and her younger
sister petunia
who were you with a
popeye you sweep into miss lily's beach
hut and things were going fine yes until
some fool kicked over the island nearly
set fire to the place i told you not to
leave it by my feet and i was just
starting to get comfortable
so that's your idea of your hot date
april 5
and i hear miss lilly still looking for
the toys
to be young and on the run again
where is she
is she here
gloria
i thought she was with you no she rang
me about an hour ago told me to get my
to meet her here well she must have some
good news maybe she backed the horse and
it came through maybe she decided to
study new keynesian economics or maybe
she decided to marry michael jordan you
know me so stupid shirley is
here
i don't care what the news is as long as
it's cheered her up kyle oh god
well i'm here he's said to come did i
oh yeah so i did
well
randy said you might have some good news
gloria oh that was nothing really just
got myself a job a job
well sort of a job temporary
any job is better than no job gloria
well come on tell us what where who with
would you believe
rip
vip vip the magazine for today's women
oh anyway they want me to write an
article for next month's issue my
daughter
a writer
andy
a hundred quid
in advance i hope tell them you want 200
and settle for one i did you
just this morning you were complaining
about all the junk they write in that
magazine then you go down the job center
and before you can say what about my
principles you're working for them no
you was the one that said i should take
a stand did i oh well um have you
thought about what you're going to write
well erica that's my editor oh yeah
wants me to write something of the south
london flavor
what about the barbershop exactly what
about the barbershop you should be
writing about me a south london lollipop
man
is this a magazine to put people to
sleep i think a great writer ought to
experience all the wonderful myriad
facets of life the joy the pain
the sorrow the barbershop
who's writing this article
it's supposed to be about my hopes my
fears my aspirations my my
oh i'm glad something good's happened
for you gloria i haven't seen your smile
for weeks what are you talking about i
smiled last week around four you must
have missed it
talking about smiles this marble shop is
a very smiley place
not now dad i can feel an article coming
on
[Music]
i'm going to bed now gloria
don't stay up too late
and don't strain your eyes and don't
forget to turn the light off
yes mother
this is hopeless here i am gloria
ambrose on my 20th birthday and i still
can't get my act together my biggest
achievement today is demolishing two
packets of whole knobs without feeling
sick
[Music]
this is useless
it's typical of me
failed before i've even started
you're useless
you make a mess of everything
you're tick and you're ugly
what nonsense is that you're talking
uncle pee
look at me like that
where did you come from
[Applause]
[Music]
what are you doing in that dress
i'm your fairy godmother
you must be put inside in there mob
knobs
let me get this straight you're my fairy
godmother yeah man
oh it's time you never said anything
oh well better get started then how many
do i get
yeah wishes you know how many track it
none
i'm not that kind of fairy godmother i
don't do wishes
no are you sitting comfortably no
then i'll begin
begin walk ah sit down shut up and
listen
once upon a time not so long ago
there was a beautiful princess who lived
in a sumptuous palace in the kingdom of
peckham
her name was princess haven't got
i've got a job
i haven't got a car
haven't got a fax
haven't got a flat
haven't got the right figure to fit into
that
her parents
king chat a lot
and queen cut a lot
had recently been awarded the title
most patient parents of beckham
countered their unwavering support for
the self-obsessed princess
but now even their halos were starting
to slip
and so the king sought the advice of his
two sons
earn a lot
and prince swat a lot
is driving me and your mother now said
the king we have to do something
in truth my lord i do agree because i
can't take no more of this personally
me thinks the girl needs to chill out
a couple of nights in the spare tower
should sort her out
nights
not until she gets married
nay mother me thinks the princeling
refers to the starry starry type of
knight ah he thinks we have it pray tell
me my good queen does our daughter have
any suitors
he's got plenty
she just never wears them
this debate continued into the early
hours i haven't got a limo i haven't got
allergic have you got the time i haven't
got a rolex
until suddenly prince earn a lot hit on
an idea i know why don't we marry her
off prince and a lot
what a brilliant idea
i've been saying that for the last three
hours
and so the news went out across the
realm
princess haven't got was up for grabs
the palace waited with baited breath to
see who would come and whisk the
princess away
but alas none of the young princes
wanted to uh
oh dear
yeah
one day two young princes
arrived at the palace eager to win the
hand of the princess
prince lox a lot
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and the prince deal a lot
got a 16-valve 5-liter el reg ferrari
outside
and i have the patience of 10 saints and
will put up with your vilest moods for
all eternity
more fool you prince locks a lot wake up
you to me are everything this he's a
song that i can sing oh baby
oh baby and so the two were wed i missed
a lot of partying and thing
then the prince turned into the princess
haven't got and said
you're a palace or mine
and they both lived happily ever after
oh
that's not the idea i've got in my book
[Applause]
you come from
yes what are you doing here
i'm your fairy godmother
you know acupune is my fairy godmother
you see
well you're not doing a very good job of
it
there's an old fairy saying
if you want something doing it's best to
do it yourself that's not an old fairy
saying yes it is i'm an old fairy and
i'm saying it
don't you have an appointment with the
tooth fairy
yes but goodbye
[Applause]
now
this is where we get real as they say
let us go back a bit shall we
to the day of the great debate
just look at that it is more than i am
she beer don't look at me
i'm not responsible there's nothing
wrong in selling people dreams
life is what you make it honey
surely she will come through this and
we'll see our real daughter again
the girl's too far gone i reckon she
should be banishing
banished
i haven't got a suitcase yes where did i
second that
banished
all those in favor say i
and so
princess having got was banished forever
to the land of doldrums
a place where neither sun nor moon did
shine
a dark and lonely place
where she sat
and stared out into the darkness beyond
i haven't got any friends
i've got any friends
[Music]
success like you smell it yeah it's the
ink drawing on this check
you see we told you you could do it i
know but two weeks ago i wasn't in the
mood to listen to anything i needed to
believe in myself
and do you now yeah you bet mom i never
felt better it couldn't go much worse
but then one day i woke up and realized
that i had a choice
well i must say lori i'm very impressed
i will be too if much you would let me
finish
i could either wait for my fairy
godmother to come complete with three
wishes or get real get a plan and go for
it it sounds like me
i'm really proud of you gloria oh
uh um
about the article glo just a couple of
points i've made notes
[Applause]
ambrose wins nobel prize for literature
it was well done little sis i i quite
liked incisive nice quirky style
something i would have written myself
actually
yeah had you been a 20 year old girl
with a grudge against the glosses yeah
all right everyone
i would like to propose a toast
to peckham's newest authoress and my
daughter your daughter watch this diy
it should be me making a toast actually
mum listen this toast is to all of you
who have put up with me in my violence
of moods and generally supporting me
even though i've been a complete cow
so this toast is for all of you family
and friends
family and friends and fairy godmothers
[Music]
ah