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my
[Music]
let's keep the music sweet wind up the
west
[Music]
good morning everyone
good afternoon matt well well well if it
isn't matthew joffor
the playboy of the western world the
all-night stopper
they forget his friends know that he has
a woman
well believe me there is an innocent
explanation for my exhausted appearance
yeah and her name begins with chola
it's been the three months since you've
been seeing this mysterious show la
you two become inseparable you mean
insufferable
today with his books when he turns up
with a grin on his face that will put
richard branson to shame
okay so i may have seen sharla once or
twice yeah and that was only last night
so tell us matthew is it long
relationship chola and i have is a
medium of like minds are you sure it's
not just in the mind matt i mean for all
we know this shola might not even be
real believe me tony sharla is
definitely really
but if this shona is as real as you say
she is how come we haven't set eyes on
her yet well well matthieu oh i get it
you're embarrassed by us aren't you
you must all understand charla is from
the best nigerian family she went to a
swiss finishing school she lives in the
best part of kensington and
she's one of london's finest pastry
chefs well
i don't care where she lives or what she
does i insist you bring her round
when i tell i spec him
i probably have to
bring her around artist
one back and ask well it's up to her
there's an old african saying
you can bring the horse to the river but
you can't force it to swim
shauna told me that
one all right matthew's mecca's match
never mind
when you play me and desmond at domino's
tonight i'll show you some tricks she
won't have seen before trust me my
friend a woman is always impressed with
a man who throws a good hand of dominoes
no dumbness
well popeye i have to take a rain check
sharla and i
chandler and i
already have plans it's opera tonight
you mean you're going home to watch
oprah winfrey
not quite popeye we are talking covent
garden here
matthew how can you choose opera and a
beautiful woman over a game of dominoes
with me and poop bye i don't know
desmond but i'm sure
i'll find a way
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where are you matthew
[Applause]
he brings out the romantic in me
although i prefer he's the pearl fishes
to his mikado mercado's not busy it's
gilbert and sullivan
of course it is i meant bizet's other
one oh um um tosca well tosca isn't busy
either it's puccini
exactly
is it getting hot in here or is it me
might i have some coffee instant will do
matthew
as the famous pastry chef nothing i do
in my kitchen is ever instant
which reminds me
hold it right there
well when i said instant i didn't mean
this instant
it's a little something i'm trying out i
must warn you when it comes to cooking
no one does it as well as my mother
there are some things mothers can't do
is that the truth
[Music]
matthew look like a man on the verge of
a nervous breakdown or a man on the
verge of wearing out his shoes
desmond i'm sorry
charlotte's taxi is due any minute and
departing leafy kensington only to
arrive in grubby peckham this shock
alone could kill her
did i book the table at the black pot i
bet the phone to confirm you phoned six
times already and that was only in the
last half an hour
eight or eight thirty hey
and if you phone again they'll engrave
your name on the table
you seem to think clearer when you're
sitting on the bench dressed on pokemon
dressed up
matthew you're really serious about your
lunch surely i've never felt happier
and well
i suppose i can tell my best friends
tonight
i'm giving her the good news she's going
to be my wife
don't you have to get her permission
first shelly i'm an african man at my
age any woman i have a relationship with
expressed me to marry her
voila
oh
it is beautiful
surely that's for scholar you've got
your own rock
rock you call this a rock
that is a rock this is a pebble
wait a second you can't marry scholar
you already got a wife back home in
africa that's big me
an african
a bigamist
that's like saying the ancient egyptians
were graffiti artists because they drew
on walls and you can't say fairer than
that
in the gambia we are allowed more than
one wife and if you must know popeye
it's called polygamy if you ask me i
call it greedy
you see you westness who's a westerner
i'm a west indiana and this was still
dinner is telling you that that's not
the way you're supposed to carry on
popeye
how you carried on was behind your
wife's back it wasn't just behind her
back she walked in and caught him with
hyacinth green remember
you see
rather than getting involved in all the
shenanigans of infidelity we do the
honors thing and get married again and
again and again
so
once more
we africans prove to be the moral
beacons of civilization
come on miss that connection
matthew your wife back home does she
know about your plan in the marriage
scholar yes
i simply dropped her a note to inform
her and what's she going to do about it
simply drop cake machi and divorce him
she wrote back and said you mean you
haven't already but it's been over 16
years
you haven't caught that western disease
of fooling around behind my back have
you suspicious wise they're the same the
world over
what's the tool i have to say about this
ah
well um what i mean to say is you mean
you haven't told her no but don't you
think she's entitled to know
don't worry shelley
that should be taken care of this
evening
look
charles taxi will be here in a second
now so
not a word about weddings marriages or
already married right
let me run through some do's and don'ts
in her presence what are they don't
don't embarrass me in front of charlotte
and the do's
do not embarrass me
so
just a quick
hello before we depart for the black pot
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right if we hurry shalla we can still
make our reservation not so fast matthew
shuffle again pork pie i like this game
i like a woman that likes this game
thank you there's an old african saying
why climb one tree for green orange when
there's a garden full of ripe fruit
before you
think about it
ease up naman yes matthew ease up now
man
i haven't had so much fun in ages
you must all come round to my place on
friday night for a meal
i'm sure shirley and
desmond have others love to win
come on
sharla
we are due at south london's finest west
african restaurant if it's anything like
that restaurant the black pot we're not
missing much
it's not as if the meal was for a
special occasion
oh dear mean
at the risk of repeating myself that was
a lovely evening matthew
i could have stayed there for hours
we did
can i get you another coffee before we
retreat to somewhere more comfortable
i'm sorry charla
but no matter what we seem to talk about
it always has a habit of ending up the
same way that's not true matthew and you
know it
now
what do you want for breakfast
sharla
i have some things to say to you
far away
i'm going to marry you
oh matthew what can i say well before
you give the good news to your parents
there's just one little thing
i
already have one wife oh that well i
know it sounds terribly cliched but no i
mean
i know you're married a wife and kid's
back in the gambia i have done for ages
you've known all along
you don't expect me to buy a car without
checking the logbook first do you
oh then there was me worrying about
passing my m.o.t
but then again who isn't married
you're married
yes i have a husband back in lagos
you mean
all this time i've been dealing with a
married woman
i feel so cheap
are you going to bug me i might get a
mug you it's that gorgeous one eh
and i believe i can run for decent
marathon
download valee now
so i said to her i said
well
if you're married already
this changes everything i can't possibly
marry you now
yeah but matt i don't really see what
the problem is you're married
she's married so you both got skeletons
in the cupboard only she isn't making
any bones about it
well it's all out in the open now
i think it's unhealthy having a
relationship based on lies i agree
especially when you get caught
you call man anyway so what did she say
when you said you can't marry her well
she said
thank goodness
i only wanted you because you're healthy
and have your own teeth
you are therefore a suitable candidate
to sire my child
yes
apparently she always said she had a
baby when she was 31 and a half years
old which is in 10 months time
she doesn't want me she wants my
and we're jeans talking 501s
i could understand it if it were her
agonizing over me being married
but when the boot is on the other foot
wait a minute you're saying it's okay
for shoulder to do all the agonizing but
not you
yes
well it looks like you've got a case of
the good old male double standards
surely i'm not unreasonable
but sure of all people should realize
that west african men and women have
their respective traditions
luckily in our countries men are allowed
as many wives as they wish but how many
husbands are women allowed
one
and that's how it should be
liberal fellow aren't you matt don't get
me wrong i couldn't care less that she's
treating me like a used tissue
some husband i feel sorry for
i mean
there is
400 acres of prime farmland
more cattle than cents
and what is it he still pines for a
bucket of kentucky fried chicken
no popeye his wife cholera have they
considered divorce
he won't his son loves her
what about reconciliation
charla wrecks every conciliation he
makes
you see what kind of woman i'm dealing
with
she wants to have a puff pastry and eat
it
not that i care of course no no
no no no
from this moment
i would like you all to know that
charlotte and i are no longer an item
listen she's beautiful she can cook she
can throw mean hand of dominoes and
you're going to give her up
well
we are not really suited
one cannot even spend a quiet night at
the opera without her thrusting her
education at you
what is it about african women that they
have to constantly correct what one is
saying
to correct constantly what one is saying
you split your infinitive you see what
she's made me do
i will be grateful if you all would have
no contact with that woman whatsoever
too late i beg your pardon
scholars are ready phone confirming
dinner tomorrow the nether the cheek
did she happen to mention me at all
yes she said could you bring a bottle
and one that goes with the meal this
time
she has to be in control all the time
well
if she thinks i'm going to come running
back with my tail between my legs she's
got another thing coming
[Music]
sola i don't know how you do it
the afters were better than the befores
and the befores better than the before
before
you can take it at pogba enjoy the
starter the main meal and his stew
desserts
what after afters
first
matthew
uh how much boy i know exactly how you
feel i'm so full i can hardly speak
myself
um
chola
you know what
desmond and i will have that coffee but
i don't finish my
oh oh yes coffee will be fine
way you usually take it
well this is nice
matu
is what kind of way you think you're
carrying on
i don't know what you mean shelly well
you're more stupid than you look
you come in the woman house with your
big self
sit down on her pretty chair with your
big backside
eat the woman nice food with your big
moat and your don't say too worst of her
whole evening i have said more than two
words to her this evening past the salt
don't count
why don't you talk your problems through
why don't you kiss and make up why don't
you forget the whole thing
look as i see it there are six sites in
this triangle two husbands two wives and
if i'm not mistaken two people who
shouldn't be together and if i'm not
mistaken that's one brandy too many
for shelley charlotte and i here we are
oh did i say coffee look i'm so sorry
scholar i meant um hot chocolate
oh my favorite pop group
it may have escaped you but the woman
already has a husband
and shirley i know it seems like i'm
applying double standards yes but that
is the culture we were brought up in
although some of us seem to have
forgotten that little fact
the way i was brought up you have one
husband one wife
but no matter what you call it monogamy
polygamy the whole caboodle me
it's the relationship that counts based
on love
honesty and respect and disputes in a
relationship cannot be resolved without
communication
oprah winfrey last tuesday
why couples break up
macho pogba i'm sure you're right
too brutal
swallow your pride man talk to shola one
hot chocolate
you sexy thing you
so now what about my coughing right pop
by desmond shelley may scholar and i'd
be left alone oh is that the time come
along gentlemen
have you noticed
they haven't blinked
can i have a doggy bag
charlotte how could you
you don't think i see the way people
look at me now when i walk down
kensington high street
they go oh look there's matthew he asks
his girl to marry him only to be told by
her sorry i've got a husband back in
sunny lagos
well we are amused
not
and you want to know the best
she only wanted him so he could give her
a baby not flowers like any normal
girlfriend that's hardly fair matthew
isn't it
when my real friends look at me they see
matthew the brain
you see massive the body
i'm not only interested in your body
you've got a good heart there you go
again back to my body
physical
oh
didn't it
mean anything to you
apart from my marriage which was doomed
before it even started
i've had everything planned since i was
a little girl my degree my career this
apartment
right down to the name of my daughter
joy whom i would have when i reached the
age of 31 and a half
are you sure you don't know her star
sign as well
piscean
and she would be seven pounds ten ounces
may your powers of prediction
well they didn't predict me falling for
the prospective father
so
where do we go from here
a whole day gone by
are no sign of matu for tea and toast
yes he could have at least popped in and
given us the low down on him and
shoulder well after last night's
performance can you blame him for nacho
in his face so i take it this
relationship is often well you never can
tell
you should see the way they were looking
at each other before we left last night
so it's on again
who knows
the one woman that could take matthew's
eyes out of his books and she's got his
ego all in a twist
yes it's a pity he can't find true love
like me and susu
hang on hang on a second guys
i bet you i bet you right after you guys
left last night matthew has showed her
this blazing round he told elba to get
off she told him where to get off and no
one got off with anyone
good evening my dear friends it's a bet
sharla and i have an announcement to
make
we've decided not to get married
congratulations
now i'm completely lost
but what about the engagement ring
well we went back to the jewellers and
it's now a friendship ring oh
man i would have got my money back and
bought myself a good pair of shoes all
right
this ring could buy your entire wardrobe
several times over
we were deliberating all night is that
what they're calling it these days
and we're going to the conclusion that
for both our sex we should end the
relationship oh
and just be good friends
why didn't i think of that you know
shelly you were right you see desmond
you're the only one who got trouble
saying those words
what i take for single-mindedness is
really double standards ah so you
watched adult oprah as well
no it's a pity it didn't work out though
yes we were just saying what a long-term
couple you wear
well this way is even longer tim
now i have someone to go to the opera
with who can explain what's going on
what about the baby
people who are just good friends don't
do that kind of thing oh i'm just going
to relax and enjoy life after all one
can have babies at any time at any age
i think perhaps 32 and three quarters
will be fine
well i still think this calls for a
celebration
champagne no no better than shampoo
what's better than champagne for a
celebration
dominoes
and for a very special friend
[Music]
ah