[Music]
my
[Music]
let's keep the music sweet wind up your
wears
say something romantic no come on you
say something romantic first
now that is romantic
so something you wanted mandy yes we've
run out of gossip in the canteen i've
come to stock up
yes
they say love is blind but in your case
it does appear to be deaf as well no i
mean
mandy perhaps if you ate breakfast in
the morning we'd have a little less of
the light-headed babble mock you may but
it may well be this light-headed babble
that stops you from making the biggest
mistake of your life
come again i refer sir to that liaison
donja rose with whatever her name is
mandy as much as i appreciate your
concern for my future happiness i can't
help but think the bank's time could be
better spent sir
the girl drinks leapfrow milch
yes she does
but then she's young michael do you
really see this girl being an asset to
your career helping you to ascend the
corporate ladder can you really see her
striking up witty rep rt with senior
management at crucial dinner parties she
couldn't strike a match
i need this stuff she's not suitable
material for a bank manager's wife well
hold on a minute who said anything about
making her my wife i've only known her a
month exactly whereas you've known me
nearly five years
look michael i know the bank's been
putting pressure on you to get hitched
and you did leave them to believe that
you'd be getting married this year
i'd hate to see you just leaping in and
proposing to the first bimbo that
flutters her eyelashes at you mandy
she's hardly the first
and she isn't a bimbo
she's possibly inappropriate but that's
what i like about her
in fact she's the most wonderful thing
that's happened to me all year
round
there's something wrong man
well we all thought your recent
promotion to manager might turn your
head we didn't think it would scramble
your brains
how's life at the crossroads you know
whoever invented the double buggy should
be tied to the wheels and dragged down
the streets twice the day or something
run over my foot you should invest in a
pair of steel cat boots poor pie either
that or a pair of stilts
there's a letter here for you desmond a
letter from who you but i see you every
day i met the postman coming out of next
door and he asked me to deliver it why
can't he deliver themselves because he
said your letterbox is too low and that
it doesn't conform to health and safety
standards in the workplace what nonsense
is that the man doesn't work here all he
does is deliver the post
maybe he's put his back out again and i
thought you were such a low abiding
citizen i am
but don't you know it's a criminal
offence for unauthorized persons to
intervene in the transit of the royal
mail it is ah
what is wrong with you well this guy'll
be right what is it a tax bill no is the
insurance freedom in the shop it's
nearly two and a half times as much as
last year so now wouldn't be a good time
to ask for a raise dentist no because
now is not a good time to be an employee
tony
i mean how can they arrive at a huge
figure like that
many people ask the same of pavarotti
maybe
maybe we can ask michael to give us a
better deal yeah show time when he comes
to dinner this evening oh yes oh no i
won't be here look at me i'm going out
since when since when i remember why you
come in here tonight
there's one you can't go out
he's bringing her especially to meet us
beside i don't see why i should be the
only one to have to sit through another
evening of awkward smiles and timid
handshakes
oh hello mrs ambrose nice to meet you i
hear you're michael's mother
you know what is the fourth girlfriend
he's had in the last three months no
faith oh
well he's taken up as a father he's
inherited the famous ambrose magnetic
charm say this magnetic charm why don't
any of his girlfriends stick to him
maybe they don't have the metal
hold at all
i stopped and tone listen that's about
tonight right we'll have to cancel mel
can't make it she's having to work late
at the club so some other time yeah
what you mean
her friend's not interested tony getting
paranoid on me look i had it all set up
right for tony to meet the girl of his
dreams but unfortunately she's of the
breed who won't go to the toilet without
her best friend
tony if you're short of a girlfriend why
don't you come and have dinner with us
tonight maybe michael can give you some
tips and if you're lucky he can give you
his girlfriend
well come on michael how does it put
here waiting to be massaged
with it lolita who's that one of your
ex-girlfriends
no not quite
she's a character from a famous novel of
the same name
and she had a habit of begging for foot
massages from older men did she
yes well something like that
but i bet
she never
well if it isn't michael ambrose
is seeing you here
would you believe in all this way to
attempt class and the teacher hasn't
bothered to turn up
room for a little one
we meet again how nice why yes i'm all
white thank you
mandy i thought your roblox classes were
on wednesday it's tuesday today is it oh
well that must be why the teacher hasn't
turned up you know if you're trying to
lose weight mandy you should join the
slimming club we have here i'm quite
happy with my weight thank you
it's hot in here isn't it yes mandy it's
a sauna it's meant to be hot well yes i
like the heat let's have some more oh
that's better
oh dear
you never know how much i love you
never know how much you care
when you put your arms around me i get a
feeling that's hard to bear give me
fever
don't mind if i sing do you some people
sing in the shower i like to sing in the
sauna fever give me
um
may one ask if sarah is wearing anything
beneath his towel of course he is i mean
i am we both are oh really
i'm not
oh well i think that's that's done
i'm sure you're not leaving already yes
i'm afraid so my experience are
expecting us over for dinner oh well
you'll have a lovely time desmond and
shelley are about to give you a warm
welcome they do to most of your little
friends don't they michael do you give
them my love
see you mandy nice towel shame about the
voice
mandy i don't know what this is all
about but we'll discuss this little
episode tomorrow shall we all right
michael
you know i thought working in a health
club you would be tea total no that'd be
like
yes melissa believes a little of what
you fancy does you good
exactly what i told myself
when i first clapped eyes on mickey
mickey who's mickey
minnie's boyfriend
so um
do you have any hobbies melissa
apart from michael
i spare time activities
well mickey's teaching me all sorts of
new things who's minnie you know i can't
keep up with all your girlfriends since
you've been promoted michael and every
time you bring a new one home your
parents invite me around for a meal i've
had more hot dinners than you've had
steady girlfriend
pogba is not trying to imply that the
last in a long line of um uh
um
excuse me as a guest i think melissa
deserves a bit more respect she is a
very good friend of mine a bit more than
that a mickey
i bet he takes after you desert
all right
you know
i can't help thinking i've seen you
somewhere before melissa you never
worked in the arcade at all did you
oddly enough it's the one place i
haven't worked but i did used to work in
the hairdressers by the station ah flat
mary's that's the one shouldn't have
said that melissa fat larry is father's
biggest rival so i don't suppose i
should tell you that he's my uncle then
you having me on and there i was just
getting to like you
but if i married mickey it'll be like a
merger between peckham's two great
hairdressing dynasties fat larry's and
desmond's
we could call it fat desmonds
[Laughter]
shall we adjourn to the sitting room
i'll make some coffee
that was a lovely dinner show i could
eat you all over again
excellent as usual mother thank you oh
you know your mother made it it could
have been me what was it no
no you and melissa go and sit down i'll
bring the coffees over actually i need
to visit the bathroom uh through the
door turn left
maybe i should take you
maybe you should there's no need just
through the door and turn left
clear the table
well
michael seems quite smitten i hope he
doesn't get hurt again
no
what
oh i just remembered something and i
wish i hadn't what is it don't keep us
in suspense
desmond you remember last saturday
i left here to go to the chemist to get
some vaseline to finish mrs pretties
here no
well it's not important if you remember
or not but i ended up having to go to
the market because the chemist was
closed
and that's where i saw melissa
she is lee's girlfriend mel
[Music]
now
well that explains why she had to cancel
that date that lee set up for me you
know to meet that friend of hers
to tell or not to tell that is the
question i'm not saying anything
well we do have to say something desmond
he's bound to find out sooner or later
and i'd rather he heard it from us well
if i was michael i'll be on the first
bus out of town i'll tell you i wouldn't
want to be in his shoes when lee finds
out
he doesn't bear thinking about
lee is a nice tempered boy unless he's
upset
i think this could upset him doesn't
michael can look after himself he's not
a baby
you don't think lee would really beat
him up do you of course stupid lisa
boxer that's what boxers do
that's what i will do
well if that's the case then i think we
should all keep quiet about it otherwise
he might take it out on all of us
there is an old african saying
if you sit on a damp tree stump to eat a
watermelon
it's not just your mouth that gets wet
it's also your bottom
think about it
i agree much at last you've talked some
sense ignorance is bliss you must be a
happy man then
i think
i will talk to melissa and i wouldn't do
that if i was you sure according to lee
she's not very keen on people giving her
advice got a very independent streak
apparently streak or cheek
i cannot find any excuse for behavior
like this if it is over with lee she
should tell him
assuming that it is over between him
surely she's not playing two instruments
in the same man
you mean checking out two library books
on the same ticket
riding two horses in the same race
well it wouldn't surprise me
now why you look so shocked desmond hmm
cheating on your partner is not just a
prerogative of men i haven't said
anything you didn't have to
we shouldn't jump to conclusions i
remember back in guyana i was going out
with this girl called lucky lucy lucky
lucy
everybody kept telling me how she was
two-timing me just because she came home
with a new frock one week shoes and
bagged the next then it was gold
bangle's necklace pressure cooker
i believe her when she told me she had
won them all in a raffle
surely some people are just born lucky
and some people are just born stupid
maybe melissa's locker's just run out
[Music]
what's all this
i thought we were going out for a pizza
well i had a better idea i thought the
pizza should come to us but the pizza
parlor's only down the road michael are
you complaining
no
because i mean too
wondering if we could do this every day
well um
i'm not sure head office with a brew but
um
your lunch is here sir
thank you mandy that will be all are you
sure sir i thought you might like me to
carve man
well hopefully everything's to your
liking modem
your secretary's a bit of a cow isn't
she oh no mandy she's just a bit uh
overwrought i gave her some typing to do
this morning do you like a drink of wine
wine and pizza what more could a girl
want
didn't they have any libra milch
uh she seems to forgotten the corkscrew
hold on a minute
yes michael um could you bring us in the
corkscrew please aren't you going to
prise it open with your bare hands
just bring it in
one corpse cruiser
thank you mandy
oh and uh one father should i order
another pizza father
we got an appointment you told me to pop
by so i'm popping
oh yes the insurance renewal well look
i'm just about to have lunch so i see
hello again melissa
nice to see you again
do you want me to go michael i can see
you later at the club no no no you stay
i'm gonna have this lunch if it kills me
father's just gonna have to put up with
me munching hello me
right father you're gonna have to pay it
what i thought you said you could sort
me out a better deal it's the most
sensible advice i can give you father
i've had a look at the breakdown and the
figures seem reasonable and i couldn't
give you a better deal than that so all
problem solved hey days uh no not quite
was there something else you wanted to
talk to me about as a matter of fact
there is
well
um
can i speak to you uh
confidentially what
i mean privately
um father will this take long we close
at four
hey you know your friend lee yes
well he's got a lot of friends as a
matter of fact you'd say is very
friendly as melissa here is friendly
would you like some pizza mr ambrose are
you speaking to me personally
don't be stupid father you think i make
her call me mr ambrose well there's two
of us here and young ladies could get
confused between two men very easy lee
you'll have to excuse my father listen
good advice doesn't agree with you oh it
doesn't admittedly he has my wife
shirley
knows
she does
absolute lee
um father i don't have time to decipher
these cryptic messages this afternoon so
end of meeting yes in duby tem lee
so if you don't mind i'll take my leave
[Music]
what oh michael calm down and let me
finish calm down how can i calm down my
girlfriend's just admitted to having two
time me for the past six weeks well if
you won't calm down at least sit down
how could you do this to me do what do
you i haven't done anything
except not tell you the whole truth
lee's the one who gets sent off with his
tail between his legs i feel so deceived
betrayed
i am sorry mickey
i don't know what else to say
melissa
if you and i are going to be together i
must insist on complete honesty at all
times
so
when are you going to tell him well
that's always been the problem
calculating when it's likely he'll be
around
if he says tuesday it'll be tuesday all
right for which one that's what really
got on my nerves about lee i was always
having to wait around for him was
was
but no more
definitely past tense
history
yeah and you will be mate
[Applause]
um it must be tuesday
uh lee look it's it's it's like this you
see melissa and i oh well yes mel
melissa and i um
wish you wouldn't look at me like that
look it's it's it's quite simple look
it's hardly my fault we just kind of
bumped into each other and hit it off
did i say it no i didn't mean that um
because i know you and i go back a long
way and you have to understand that
these things happen she was going to
tell you tell me what well that she
never wants to see you again oh shut up
your banker i wasn't talking to you
for myself
lee is over
i'm sorry i just couldn't put up with it
anymore put up with what
i took you out didn't i
i bought you flowers chocolates ice
cream pizzas i gave you everything you
wanted accept attention oh and a decent
bottle of wine you don't drink wine i do
now
look if you think i'm going to walk out
of here and leave it like that
don't be silly
in days of old michael my son they used
to fight for the lady's hand
only you can't be serious
you are serious
oh look this is just childish lee i mean
can't we just play a game of squash or
something
oh very well
god it's hearing it should we
step outside here
what how many times do i have to tell
you i'm not taking it i wouldn't take it
and you can't make me i'm an honest love
i
think you don't know that what you're
doing is illegal why aren't you on where
you miserable get
ah email
look pogba
you and that postman gotta come to some
kind of arrangement swap jobs or
something either way this bickering has
got to stop he's driving me mad sorry
charles it won't happen again i've
reported him to his superiors
you certainly know how to make friends
pogba i know look at this we can have
your insurance costs and to think i
listened to yourself and ended up paying
a fortune
there's nothing we can do about it now
desmond
[Applause]
well i hope she's worth it
oh sorry did i say something
oh yes i was forgetting so really so all
right matt you're forgiven if melissa
prefers an executive toy to an action
man and that's her problem
well i'm glad you've recovered i wish
michael would the only thing he talks
about is melissa melissa there's melissa
you know all right i'm a little bit
sensitive to that name money i didn't
mean that's a lot anyway we'll be going
tonight in tone somewhere nice and
downtown where the beers are cold and
the women are hot air yet
are you
leave can i help you young man nice all
right old man
i've come to see this scooter here
i thought i told you keep your hands off
my woman i'm not you again fred i've
told you i haven't had my hands anywhere
near your woman for the past six weeks
that's not what i heard in fact mate you
were seen
a sharp suit short air flash
that could have been anyone i'm telling
you it definitely weren't me
then i want a name a name
name
let's open this to the floor shall we
has anyone got any names
uh yeah about levi's dress
wilkinson sword
billy carson where did you get that from
wait what you taking a mick
mick
that's the fella you want to see
me
all right
i'll believe you son
why
that melissa she didn't after me to run
around in a star
hey
but they say the course of true love
never runs smooth yeah
switch off while this mitt goes in i'll
tell you what if you go down a road turn
left there's a bank on the corner
[Music]
[Applause]
ah