i want
[Music]
have you got enough wine you think oh
more than enough my darling yeah they
think we're gonna try and get him drunk
listen alex a hungry mob is an angry mob
and a cyber dad will be furious
what time is it yeah i guess about half
seven
it's like a clock
all right who's answering the door mail
what kind what's on the list
you're doing the drinks no i'm on the
drinks and you're on the door
and remember don't say nothing to
pudding
anyone for thirds oh i've had plenty
thank you gloria
time to clear the table of all sharp
objects then
not before you tell us your news
news well you didn't compromise your
strict vegetarian diet just to entertain
us surely no we didn't shirley oh mrs
ambrose
contrary to popular opinion some parents
do occupy the same planet as their
offspring and now and again they um
notice things yeah for example that
their one and only daughter has been
dating a young man called alex reynolds
for almost two years and that the two of
them together make romeo and juliet seem
like another mismatched couple and
blamed it
when the parents receive a written
invitation to dine with said daughter
and beau the parents conclude that she's
either getting engaged is planning to
shuck up with her boyfriend or is um
pregnant
well there's nothing wrong with two
people living together without being
married is there no no
no
so you're saying that you don't mind if
gloria comes here to live with me
brilliant i have got broad-minded hippie
parents after all
oy you might be an old dean or know for
winfrey of your dad
this morning i didn't know whether to
make the bed or not all the sheets
together and jump out the window
and you really don't mind the both of
you you sure dad
mom
gloria look you're happy we're happy now
we work very hard to bring you up as
best we can you've made a safe transit
into adulthood so now what more can we
ask but that you uh deliver us our just
desserts
oh oh thanks julie
it folks we're off you're going bye-bye
that is how they whip our departure alex
oh before you go have you tidied your
room mom i'm moving out remember
so i cannot get just one last time just
one last time i'll call you
ah alex no it's still gloria actually
michael
michael i meant to call you look i need
a thousand pound for my next exhibition
ah
well i'll relax i'm just kidding
i told you it was easy
bye all bye
brother so what happened you lose your
weight to the bank
thanks brother come about the
advertisement in the paper desmond's
barbershop stylish required why you want
to apply for it i thought it was
peckham's most prestigious hair salon do
try and keep her proper and that was
last week's advertisement and why isn't
it in today
because i have not put it in oh it
really doesn't after all the trouble i
went to concocting those lines
haven't put it in father look as much as
i appreciate vince here helping out it's
not my idea of a replacement for tony we
need someone who can attract a younger
clientele no offense vince yes hold on a
second i just want
caught this piece
we need a professional stylist so what
you're putting out in the papers and
what happens some young upstart was
isn't here where this stupid diploma
starts telling me how to run things no
that's not it what happens is that
applicants walk through that door mature
adults brimming over the qualifications
and you treat them as though they just
stepped out of nappies look michael the
truth is this
in the four weeks since we've been
advertising this post we've had only one
applicant and even that was a mistake
yes the boy came in here thinking you
were in need of a typist
there's 3.4 million unemployed in this
country three point four and a half
since that make me redundant
i think i'm able to fill this post ten
times over not necessarily
what bright-minded ambitious young
person would want to come and work in a
shabby little barbershop and peckham
mathew
of all the barber shops in all the world
why do you have to come and sit in mine
simple it's the nearest run to college
i got sunshine
on a cloud
don't take it you're going somewhere hot
and sunny this weekend yep five nights
at a thermostatically controlled
tropical paradise just off the m1
so where is he is he ready yet sean
now he's re-packing apparently this
whole doll i gave him doesn't hold
anything
here then so how's it going mike still
not found no replacement for tony mind
you i mean what bright-minded ambience
yes thank you lee we've done that one
well it has been over four weeks does
anybody heard from him yet man yes we
had a postcard from him the other week
a picture of the luxury cruise ship with
an arrow indicating the position of his
hair salon apparently everything is
fabulous weather fabulous food fabulous
and the rich american widows are
fabulous
so he's doing all right he
and so he should be after five years
inspirational guidance and training at
the ambrose academy of hair i taught
that boy everything he knows he's a fine
baba
bitty you didn't tell him that while he
was here all right let's do it let's get
the roof off the motor the sound's
blearing because i'm rearing to go word
listen we should enter these
competitions more often you know we
might win a decent trip next time yeah
well it's better than a slap in the face
with a search warrant
all right now get getting back to the
matter at hand there must be somebody
out there desperate enough to want to
work here boys stop rambling on and calm
yourself the matter is solved oh
oh yes our new assistant arrived shortly
uh monday in fact for an interview well
of course for an interview you don't
think i'm in a habit of employing people
without first assessing your suitability
do you
there's a way to make an entrance
assistant my destiny
it was now a conspiracy of witches
download veli today
no leave it no leave it
did you get any food yesterday yeah milk
eggs pasta and honey
what three hours so we came home with
is any bread left no
oh but we do have a three pound bag of
flour
and you have an amazing recipe
no not that one i haven't read it yet
no what do you mean no don't be silly
here you're reading the paper look i'll
turn the pages very slowly so i don't
mess them up all right laurie
i'll have the magazine please you got
five papers over there why just read one
of them gloria oh good safe take it
thank you
it's nothing personal i just can't stand
people reading my papers before me
drives me up the wall so i drive you up
the wall now do i
it drives them up the wall gloria it oh
so that is my new near it is it
look i just want a quiet read of the
sundays like i do every sunday until i
came along and upset your routine no but
well you you can be noisy at times no
idea i'm alive just cause you're dead on
the weekends
want me to move out of what
no glue i don't want you to move out i
just want to read the paper
take the supplement i don't want it
all right look go and get dressed then
we'll go out for i'm not hungry
27 minutes late
hardly a good start
father i spent the last half an hour
tidying up what is it you're looking for
this
my questionnaire
these are the same questions they asked
you when you applied for the job as
crossing attendant yes
well i think you'll find handwriting is
a more reliable method of assessment you
see at college
the boy is coming for straightforward
yes no yes no interview that's all
uh this is him he doesn't look much like
barbershop material to me neither does
desmond
you just need bro certainly not
are you ricky come for the interview
what interview i'm desmond ambrose
let me introduce you this is my wife
shirley my son michael our resident
philosopher matthew our resident
crossing attendant pogba and vince our
temporary um temp
i do have a seat
a cup of tea perhaps um interview
perhaps of course
right this is a sort of a formal but
informal interview
uh my father he'll be asking you a few
questions and then he'll hand over to me
um tell me ricky have you always wanted
to be a barber yeah well that's good
enough for me
is that all the questions you have to
ask desmond ambrose is a generic paxman
of pekkham i have some questions
how are you with children
do you know your highway code
at what age did you retire
have you had any previous hairdressing
experience ricky oh yeah i had a
saturday job ah okay could you just jot
down a few words to say why you want
this job look no he could do you mind
put a portfolio if you'd like to see it
i took it myself when i worked at
clive's clippers my dad says they're not
half bad
oh he's right they're very good
i think flora was the worst because her
hair's really coarse but don't suppose
that matters when you're running through
the bracken
floor is the um yorkshire terrier
you have to muslim in the end cause she
nearly had my hand off but um jasper and
coco were a bit better behaved though
um
do you have any human heads we could
look at ricky uh pictures i mean um well
you don't tend to get many people in
clive's clippers i mean if they need the
hair doing they usually go down the road
you know
to the hairdressers
is there anything you'd like to ask us
ricky um could i use your toilet please
open that door up the stairs i'm
straight ahead oh sorry
splendid
now that we've got our staff shortage
sorted you can go back to banking and i
can get on with my barbie what father
you can't possibly be considering taking
on this boy why not because he's not
what we're looking for is he isn't he no
look i'm gonna have to get onto the job
center about this job center this is
just not good enough when i ought to
smoke salmon i don't expect to receive
dog fish so what are we running a fish
restaurant i thought we were running a
barbershop not the least you can do is
give the boy a chat a chance to do what
practice these dog grooming techniques
on our clients oh yes i can just see
vince with a pink ball in his head and
i'm sure all our customers will just
jump at the chance of appearing at
crofts oh it's impossible shirley we
have the same problem in the gambia one
just can't get the staff these days
the boy is keen
16 and willing to learn the trade and
who better to teach him than desmond
ambrose the master of the short back and
ah
ricky
good news
your trial period begins tomorrow oh
great um can i go and unpack my case now
then please what you're staying around
here yeah here where
here you mean as as in here here today
gone before tomorrow
oh come on man there's man you think
that boy can boil an egg i will poke pie
are you implying that the boy is perhaps
stupid well there are people who say you
can't judge a book by its cover no but
you can still read the sleeve notes
[Laughter]
i doubt if the boy could spell the word
egg much less boil one
you've just spent half an hour trying to
convince us he's the best man for the
job
now you admit what we've been thinking
all along that the boy is useless in
which case it forces the inquiry what on
earth possess you to give him the job
uh
let's just say is a favor to an old
friend let's just say you've got
something to hide yes
shall we ask shirley or will you tell us
now doesn't tell you what there's
nothing to tell as i said it's a favor
in return for a past favor shelly will
be down in a minute so come on
all right all right it was ancient
history now anyway
oh good i do enjoy historical novels
[Music]
remember that fellow used to organize
the calypso night at the pelican rooms
yes
dennis flaxman but as we knew him dennis
i'm doing you a favor flaxman how can i
forget him oh that man was no good a
crook
i remember the night when he booked us
to play that union dance say you guys
give us one guinea that's one pound one
shilling that was a lot of money in
those days you know we end up getting
one iou on one bag of chips
between us
yes i remember dennis flaxman but what
does he have to do with you hiring that
no-good ricky everything
ricky's his son
that boy is dennis's son and shelley
doesn't know
yes i want it kept that way
dennis was never one of charlie's
favorites so ricky is dennis's son but
that still doesn't explain why you
wait
i see the flashback coming home
around about 1965.
yes
i got it her name was series nobu the
barbadian beauty with a passion for the
brass section oh friends mr mean is from
your reckless youth desmond no syriza is
a very talented singer with very long
legs no no it wasn't a theory such it
was just one night
you see um
dennis and i decided to go to a club he
was paying for once
yes and cerise decided to tag along
well we were dancing all night and she
was wearing a pair of those stiletto
heels and one of the heels snapped and
she broke her ankle
so
i had to carry to the hospital and only
somehow
you never got there
i got dennis to swear to surely that the
three of us spent the night in the
casualty department together in return
for which you pledged that if he needed
a favor he need look no further than a
certain pet combat
we wondered where you got to ricky was
upstairs with me desmond
ah well have you found somewhere to put
your belongings ricky and his belongings
are in gloria's room desmond as you
suggested
here small boy
for future reference is one and three
quarter teaspoons of sugar
oh sorry to keep you waiting marcia
you know ricky and i
had a very interesting chat while we
were upstairs
this one did you know that ricky is
dennis flaxman's son
oh that's right
didn't you know ah
you must have told me and i forgot uh
possibly
ah gloria my princess
do what do we all this
pleasure i've moved out moved out you
moved out you only just moved in
you made a mistake alex and i are a
mistake i can't live with him and he
can't live with me so i'm moving back in
but lawyer you've only been gone three
days you've hardly had time to unpack
let alone guardu this is still my home
isn't it yes it is still your home but
you can't move back in
why not because gloria your father has
let your room that's why not
uh ricky uh let me introduce you uh this
is gloria my daughter this is ricky our
new assistant oh glory yeah right please
to me you've let my room to him
no wonder you were so easy about me
moving with alex couldn't wait to get
shot on me could ya but gloria nobody
pushed you to go and live with alex
and how were we to know you'd want to
move back in instinct into family
telepathy i don't know but what i do
know is is that room up there belongs to
me and not him excuse me
don't you think you're being a bit
childish locking yourself in your room
no
well don't you think it'll make things
better if you told me what the problem
is no
but you can't stand there forever madam
so you might as well come up now so we
can talk i have nothing to say
look gloria you may not have anything to
say to me but i've got plenty to say to
you so open this door
sean you're back early what happened
sean
if you see that that lead you tell him i
went back by friday the latest
sean wants some money right then i went
and lost it right this was a short bet
it was guaranteed to double if not
triple o winnings right now this kid
this kid had been holding the lead for
the past six laps he was on top form
there's no one could beat him then all
of a sudden right the wheel it's the
curb the go-kart flips over before i
know his mum's on the track with the
band-aid and i'm dishing out 250 stars
in tenors to some geezer by the name of
daley
if i was shawn i wouldn't talk to you
either
he's glorious she's upstairs
can i go at your own risk
alex when you're through with gloria
there's another one next door to her
needs his nappy changed
is he still sulking does desmond keep
secrets
i'm sorry monster
oh
who finished your hair not desmond
desmond
not on your life it was this young man
here i hope you don't mind joe seemed a
bit preoccupied in that oh i'm impressed
i should thoroughly recommend him to all
my friends
thank you marcia and thank you ricky
it's so nice to have someone helpful and
considerate around the place
i just wish i could say the same for
them too up there
oh come on gloria this whole thing is
ridiculous
i don't even know what i'm supposed to
have done
you can at least give me a little clue
why is it did i forget to put the cat
out or something what cat you haven't
even got a cat yeah maybe i should get
one
i hear they're a lot easier to live with
they're strong independent and able to
stand on their own four feet oh well it
sounds
shame you're allergic to them
look if you're not at that room in two
minutes i'm going on sue yourself
uh
got any oil for these hinges
so you're telling me ricky had a choice
between the army the job club and
peckham and he chose to come here why
that's sad
what have we decided are we keeping him
on or what well i think the boy shows a
lot of promise he's fast efficient he
forgot the sugar in my teeth
marcie was very pleased with him
marcia you let him loose on one of our
best customers well he was only showing
his initiative i had my eye on him all
the time mother you you didn't see marcy
before she left didn't you i mean we're
not gonna get letters from our
solicitors are we oh no martial is fine
michael ricky did a really good job
considering his only qualifications come
from working in a poodle parlor
no i think ricky could stay what do you
think desmond oh yes there's a bit of
raw talent there that i can mold
besides which we couldn't do anything
less for a dear old friend especially
one to whom desmond owes such an
enormous favor
what favor
ricky's father and i go back a long way
he was very good to me anything you
asked for and ricky's father would
provide it cab fares chewing gum
raincoat oh you knew him as well did you
matthew no
i just remembered i have to collect my
dry cleaning
oh no you just had to ask when dennis
would supply it oh yes that's true
for instance if you wanted a good sound
alibi he could supply that too
top quality tales you know none of your
rubbish just 100
pure fabrication
the only problem is the one he gave
desmond was completely see true
you knew all along of course
i'd heard that this series was in a lot
of pain with his broken uncle and i was
feeling charitable so i thought i'd pay
her a visit now when i get there the
woman is as right as rain not even a
hubble huh
such a speedy recovery i said oh i heal
very quickly she smoked
good i said as a mushy foot
she was hobbling quite a bit when i left
oh ricky did you get in touch with your
parents oh just in time they're about to
leave for the airport yeah but didn't
dad tell you uh mum and dad are gonna
live in spain
well then
ricky
welcome to desmond's
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
you