[Music]
oh
[Music]
funny
sean man look i don't think you guys
realize what trouble i'm in
look you trouble with this plug again
and you'll know all about trouble anyway
i told you not to bollywood university
look sean i know you're finding it hard
but you can't just drop out burn i can't
afford to stay in
i mean i thought i could budget this but
my gran hasn't come through tell me
about it i mean the amount of textbooks
i've had to buy then there's bus fare i
couldn't tell you the last time i bought
a jacket tell me about it and i split up
with jennifer you what you didn't tell
me about that when it doesn't matter i
mean i'm a month behind on a huge fun
but i hold half of because of her
i'm getting snotty letters from the bank
about that long i took out to tide me
over yeah well your brother's a bank
manager why do you get him to hell you
think i'm getting the snowy letters from
i've been turned down by the hardship
fund and to top it all
well i promise you won't laugh yeah of
course
you applied for a modeling job
and got toned down
vertically challenged are we titch
i was desperate man you were sad look at
you oh before your time sean you ain't
having no fun you ain't got no money and
because you feel so you turned man now
you and ask your parents for a few
shackles then
it just grieves me grieves me
grieves me man to see you so
mash up like my head
the world's not gonna miss another
unemployed sociologist at least you know
why you're unemployed
sure drop out man yeah that's really
helpful spider look if he hasn't got any
qualifications then who is going to give
him a job well do what i did i'm my own
boss into promotions i got these three
women prime south london womanhood
and they seem like angels and they've
asked me
i
to be their manager they're called 12 14
and 16. no is that their dress sizes or
their iqs for picking you as a manager
look sure you've always been good with
things do something you know you know
music computers i've got it
human incinerator
oh
have you decided on a title for your
memoirs yet pogba
no shirley i still don't have it well
history says that shakespeare originally
titled his autobiography all the world's
stage
maybe you should call yours
all the world's a pork pie
and maybe you could call yours all the
world needs is a decent barber
uh walk by if i may be so bold as to
suggest that so far your book lacks a
setting oh je ne sais
yes it lacks
romance romance yes man i'm doing my
life story not a mills and boone no it
needs romance the romance of your first
job for example
ricky come here tell popeye what you've
learned from me since you started
working here uh well i've learned how to
make tea and toast um really good under
dominoes uh oh and run to the baiting
shop place a bet and get back here in
less than three and a half minutes
yes yes thank you ricky thank you but
you get my point don't you poo pie
no
look
it needs drama it needs
color it needs
reminiscence
you remember the first thing that people
said to you when you first came to work
in this country no coloreds no irish and
no dolls
no i remember my first job in england
packing candles at the factory in
streatham
i worked side by side with this english
woman josie was her name right
we did the same job the same hours
i got paid two pounds a week she got two
pounds five on six
the company was called pratt pratt and
malloy i work for mr malloy i always
thought he should have changed his name
my father told me that the best way to
get by in life is have a good trade or
profession so what happened
i once had a job
hey i think you better write this down
i was a cleaner a cleaner oh yes but for
a duchess
did you know i could not understand her
and one day after i'd finished the
hoovering she asked
have you cleaned the stars
and then when she wanted to give me my
bus money she said
how much do i owe
and they have the nerve to say that we
can't speak english
did you work there then
oh my dear small boy absolutely ages
must have been two three no no no four
days
those were the days they were working
hard trying to buy this place trying to
scrape a living
trying to convert my fairy edward and
house into flats
trying to make a better life for
ourselves and the children look at them
now
clothes
computers
opportunities
them children they're so ungrateful
they never had it so good
so what do you think could be cake then
i'll let you know when i'm finished
how'd it go all the usual you know my
dad
why aren't you at university where's
your contribution to the foreign bill
when michael was at uni he could pay his
way
i've had it man believe well i've got 11
pounds and 37 pence in my post office
savings
so
sure this is really good you think so
yeah well you know you not said do
something i was good at so computer
games yeah sure it's uh well wicked
watch out for fat pad like bernie got it
got it we see i've had it in my drawer
for ages man remember i designed it back
in sixth form i just sort of updated it
you know gave it a little buzz
so what do you think spider
i think this cake is the living article
someday you're gonna make some husband
very happy you got any more spider
spider the game the game look this
original intelligent political and it's
even got a bit of an ecological swarm
your thing's dry like my football time
i mean
who in the right mind is going to want
to buy this well i like it
you are a desperately sad character from
norfolk the watford gap who is in need
of a life
folks from up north don't you just love
them
blowing me up
look the game's obviously based on the
shops around there right and this demon
barbecue is your old man right well any
resemblance to persons living or dead is
purely coincidental well look the people
know what it's about so give them what
they want what you need is a gimmick to
help create a niche in the market oh
what like your band 12 14 and 16. that's
right i wanted them to sound more adult
more sophisticated so i changed their
name oh that's what they're called now
then 14 16 and 18.
how did he know
sean you're in debt and baby [\h__\h] your
man if this thing is going to sell the
first thing we've got to do is change
the name of this geezer gory vidalia
kissoon i mean what kind of name is that
call him um desmond buffoo what
the demon barber
of helen dunrose
there you go
and uh it's fat giza fat pablotti yeah
call him fat harry and if you could get
some turbo and it needs to be gory mega
are you not crazy i mean i'm trying to
dig myself out of a financial hole not
dig my own grave my dad will kill me hey
any resemblance to persons living or
dead is purely coincidental look i just
can't man look you knock out a few
copies and i'll see if i can flog him
see how they go yeah yeah i know a few
students want to play this could bring
in some moneys
no i can't do it man
nah i can't do it
boy you want me to go to jail for you
you didn't hear what i said yesterday
sure look
you haven't paid your contribution to
the telephone bill now your father wants
to install a pay phone in your bedroom
including the box
now i know things are available come on
mom you know the school mcgrath still
you're not eating another thing in this
house until you pay the bills
when your brother michael was studying
no michael this michael this michael
that
john is is something wrong is there
something we could do
no
no in fact i'll be able to pay my way
real soon oh good
yeah and not worry about money at all oh
good huh
pretty soon there won't ever be any
money worries ever again
good
so i said to the four-minute forge mr
kowalski do that again and i'll do
something you'll never ever forget
and he did it again
so what did you do
about mr kowalski
i haven't decided as yet
i might change it
but pogba the whole point of an
autobiography is to record faithfully
events ass and when they occurred not
make them up as you go along yes you
can't rewrite history and maybe i want
to rewrite my history
i know you all think my story is boring
oh no we don't poke pie oh yes we do
i'd love to read it mr grant why you
want to put yourself to sleep
we just thought look
pork pie we know you
you've led a rich and varied life up
till now and none of the color was
coming through
except dar gray
you could write about coming to england
right your family all crammed up in one
room to begin with
gwendolyn working days at king's college
you working nights at ford's hyacinth
green working the in between shifts okay
there was a salad with dressing
your nail breakdown when gwendolyn left
you your mental health at the time
your engagement from my sister susu your
mental health at the time
you know what you should call your book
lies damned lies
and pork pies
yo
tony oh the boy don't even say how you
do dawg
morning bernie morning cockroach
it's spider mystery i don't know where
you get this
cockroach ting from uh is that for sure
yeah one hundred goals yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i'll take it
cheers later sir all right more time
still bye-bye
uh ricky
i'll take that box up to sean's room uh
but mr ambrose uh boy i insist
give me the damn box
right anybody want to see what inside
this box me all right this one that is
sean's personal belongings you remember
that time you read his diary out loud
thereby violating his inalienable human
and civil right invading his privacy and
breaking any trust that may have been
previously established
i enjoyed that morning carry on
desmond give me the box
all right
indeed it seems like a crudely labeled
computer game
going to the barbers used to be easy
but now can you make it down helen den
road
pass the clutches of
fat harrys
pass the crimes at crystallos the kibaba
and finally beat the deadly mortal
advances of the dreaded demon barber of
beckham
heads you lose tails you lose sweeney
todd has nothing on desmond buffoon
i send this man to university and he
wastes his time doing his choppiness
i'll kill him
i can't believe that sean would treat me
like something he scraped off his shoe
button
mr andrews i'm sorry
desmond you did tell the boy to pay his
way doing something now he's done
something yes
making money calling me a buffoon
mr ambrose i'm so sorry what happened
laughing stalker beckham
and this time it'll have nothing to do
with your haircuts
don't worry desmond you'll feel better
after your game of dominoes with matthew
and pogba i can't think that sean thinks
so little of me no but you see no way
your nosiness has got you i did want
your desmond not to open pandora's box
it was not pandora's box
it was sean's box
and a wooden box is exactly where he's
going to drive me mr ambrose i'm really
sorry i mean what is this boil committer
when your own flesh and blood your son
who you walk your finger to the bone for
treat you like a mangy flea bitten
one-eyed three-legged old dog
mr rambos i'm so really really sorry is
there anything i can do you could stop
saying sorry for a start sorry but
doesn't look desmond it's only a little
homemade game more than likely no one
will be interested in it anyway
this is it yes street arcade
is coming for you
yes no
it's not reacting to where ricky said it
wouldn't no
yes you're wretched
demon barber wins again
well
that settles it
let's do this to africa zero people
anyway we shouldn't be playing this we
should be playing dominoes with desmond
but man this is ten times better boy
sean was clever to make this huh
this is obviously a rudimentary game
made to appeal to all judge pensioners
lollipop men and some presidents
you that's them
four five it is amazing how one's
fortunes can be determined by chance you
saying i was lucky
the only way you could beat me was by
throwing your death flame ball i'm at
you you soft man
there's an old african saying
only a fool looks for dung where the cow
never grazed
think about it and you should think
about the next game but what about
desmond ah there's one of dominoes can't
wait um well but ricky said we could
only stay for one game the best of three
five yeah
scrambled upwards
oh please let me play mr ambrose i
haven't proved honest no double 5's
blocked the game even my friends prefer
to play that computer game that dirty
worthless good for nothing jing bangs on
a mining intention dirty what was good
for nothing dingbat oh that's excellent
that you're a cheat you are a chief no
i'm not that's why i don't like playing
with him you ready to play dominoes
nearly let's go have a drink first oh i
didn't know that the computer game could
wake up such a thirst yes and the first
round's on you your
did not even try to persuade me
you go mr ambrose i'll put these away
but
would you treat your father like this no
but he probably wouldn't realise if i
did
oh lord
listen do you know how many copies of
demon barbecue
it was incredible i believe that i mean
we were selling them so fast it was like
well it was like juice lightning yes
yeah it's like a morgan here how upset
your dad is
did he threaten to kill me yeah did you
get all out of shape yeah don't tell me
i bet he called me a worthless dirty
good-for-nothing jing-bang boy
oh that's alright he'll be okay by now
listen sean it's not like he's really
hurt but it's only a game and i mean i
never really took the nick i only called
him a
buffoon but it wasn't personal try
telling that to your dad well look he
said to earn some dosh and make a
contribution that's what i'm doing i
mean it's only a silly little computer
game
yeah well he's really cut up about it i
mean even your mum doesn't know what to
say to him you've got to do something
well like what i don't know look i can't
take the game off the streets just to
make dad happy anyway spider will never
do that
okay look i'm gonna go and see bernie
he'll know how to handle this
it's a great game ladies and gentlemen
this is the one demon barber 2 turbo
your very own your computer game with a
90s a snip for only 9.99 and listen
don't worry about compatibility with
your own pc this is the compatibility
what mooc was to mindy
it's better than events
broadway
excuse
me hello
yeah
why
if i'm busy
yeah
and yes yeah that's i
yes and they're using my gold credit
card
yeah how many pairs of shoes
what was it 14 16 or 18 pairs people
that's how many pairs they bought each
how much foot they have
all right yeah thanks cheers
do you want demon barber too yes let me
see if you want a demon barber too
yes well i've got it if you want it i'll
give it to you to knock down bargain
basement price because i noticed the
recession out there
only 19.99 come on
thank you darling
you've got to take the game off the
streets now why my dad's going mad your
dad is mad and so are you
are
crazy could take ages oh burn we've got
look at it to you
to do something
i've got it all right this game being
sold is illegal all right if you brought
it we can give you a money back as long
as you return the game
under the count of four
but i was told i could get demon barber
too here no deal you got the wrong shop
but it's not the demon barber
yeah you are
and have your craft place no come out
bishop but you can't treat your fans
like that
i think it's laudable when celebrities
go out of their way to meet
the republic
all right all right
it's a junior yeah
mega
done desmond
well it still can't take away my
feelings of betrayal i know i know
surely yeah i still have those feelings
mr ambrose i'm really really sorry look
ricky you don't have to keep apologizing
is sean who should do that not you i'm
sorry
anyone want a cup of tea not no ricky
that one you can't really say it was
betrayal i'm sure didn't tend to hurt
you he was only trying to make some
money mr ambrose and you have to admit
it was very clever of him to invent that
game in the first place now matthew he
knows the meaning of betrayal what you
still haven't paid me for last night's
thrashing west indies five africa zero
farpa i don't think you're going to miss
the princeless sum of 150p
yes but that's the point it's not the
money it's the principle
uh sure
dad
look i can explain that the game it
wasn't meant to offend you
that's not what offended me is making
that stupidness instead of studying
dad i'm trying to get a degree and i'm
trying to pay my way i just don't want
to be thought of as the baby of the
family anymore i'm an adult
and adults make mistakes sometimes
and adults can ask for help
sometimes
you're right
i'm really sorry dad
[Applause]
hey fever
so
what has happened to the game now yes
matthew is desperate for some practice
oh we've tried taking it off the streets
yeah the spider wouldn't cooperate why
doesn't that surprise me
yo sean the game is selling like crisp
biscuits
the tarantula
oh boy warm soups i told you i'd make
you famous soon the whole world's gonna
know about desmond food
what
what what what is it what well it's the
money in it don't worry look i've got
sean's right here i know he needs it
and uh
i got bernie's too look that's right
here what
so what is it then
am i or am i not desmond buffoon the
demon barber
well
of course you are mr ambrose well in
that case you can cut me in
[Applause]
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[Applause]
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you