Twenty-nine minutes.
Wouldn't it have been easier to order it from the place across the street?
Fraser, there are hundreds of places that make pizza. What I am looking for here is the perfect pizza at the perfect price.
Which is?
Free. And that's exactly what this'll be in 34 seconds. There is no way he can get a pizza here from Michigan Avenue in under a half hour.
You mean you're using some promotional ploy in order to get something for nothing?
Welcome to the United States of America, Fraser.
Well, it just doesn't seem fair, Ray. I mean, if you don't pay for them, somebody has to.
Again, welcome to my country.
Drop the pizza, kid. You're late.
Oh, you're one of those guys. Uh, listen, I couldn't find the building, I am 10 seconds late, your pizza's obviously ruined...
Don't give me sarcasm. Just the pie.
Look, I go back without thirteen-fifty, I get fired. I just got this job. I need this job. Come on, guys, cut me a break, will ya?
Here's for my half, Ray.
Your half? What are you doing? You believe this sob story?
Come on. I'm blocking the alley.
Okay, fine. But next time, punk-
Oh no!
My car. They got my car!
Repo?
I just bought it.
Diefenbaker. Follow it.
Excuse me.
Please stop immediately! This is not your automobile!
I'm okay.
Dief. Dief! Diefenbaker!
Hey! Hey! That's my car!
Ray! Stop Diefenbaker! Stop him!
Hey! Stop! Halt!
Stop him!
Unmush! Unmush!
Where's your car?
Lot B. You ought to get that dog a hearing aid!
It's my mistake. I never should have sent him.
He'll come back.
No, he won't. He won't stop until he catches it.
And if they don't stop?
He'll die trying.
Got a stolen car, 221 East Racine, 1977 green Comet... Yeah. Robert-Charles-William-one-three-nine...Yeah, you do that.
Look if I don't find that car, I lose my job.
I called it in. [pays] There you go, kid.
A lot of good this is gonna do me.
Hey, call your insurance broker. You do have insurance, don't you?
Oh yeah, I do. I spent the last of my inheritance on it.
Well, the police have a description of the car, so the thieves couldn't have gotten far.
Right now, my car's in some garage being torn up for parts. By morning it'll be spread over six states and the frame will be rusting in Lake Michigan.
Earlier career choice, kid?
They like to teach you a trade in juvie.
Let the punk go.
He needs help, Ray.
Hey there's still a few people in this neighborhood without a criminal record. Why don't you try to help one of them?
Lenny!
He doesn't want our help. Can't you respect that?
This is my neighborhood, Ray. It makes it my responsibility.
Yeah, well, it's not my neighborhood.
No. Quite right. It's not. Lenny!
Lenny, I will find your car.
how!
I have a friend on the case already.
What, the wolf?
It's his neighborhood, too.
Yeah. I'll hold my breath.
That's odd.
What's that?
Oh, it's probably nothing.
Oh no, I am not getting involved in this one, Fraser. Unlike you I refuse to feel guilty about something beyond my control.
No, I understand, Ray. I understand fully.
Good.
I mean the kid should have got insurance. I'm not going to turn Chicago upside down just to justify your twisted sense of honor.
Well, I don't expect you to. Every individual must follow their own moral code.
What's that supposed to mean?
Just what I said, Ray. You're right. You have no responsibility here. Look, why don't you just let me off and you can go home.
Fine.
Thanks.
I'm going!
Goodnight, Ray.
Forty-seven thousand cars are stolen each year in the city. How are you going to find one?
I don't think you want to know, Ray.
You're right. I don't. Goodnight!
Goodnight.
Okay. How?
When the Inuit go fishing, Ray,
they don't look for the fish.
I hate myself!
So what do they look for?
The blue heron.
You're kidding me, right?
No, I'm not, Ray.
And where might we find this legendary bird?
We begin by asking the people who'd know.
One pizza. That's all I wanted was one lousy Chicago-style deep dish pizza.
Excuse me, have you seen a 1977 green Comet followed by a white wolf?
Today?
Yes, of course today!!
Nope.
That's it.
That's it. I'm done. I'm not asking any more bums for you.
Thank you, ma'am. Ray, these are the people of the streets. This is their home. And you notice when things are out of place in your home.
Oh yeah, they notice things. They notice green cars, white wolves and pink elephants. This is getting us nowhere.
It got us here.
Oh, this is a place we want to be?
I think I'm picking up his trail. (sniff)
Good boy, Diefenbaker.
You can smell him?
Well, not him exactly.
Oh no! You're sniffing piddle!
Each lupus has it's own unique scent. That's how they mark their territory.
Yeah, it stinks.
Oh yes.
You mean to tell me he peed all the way from here to the Loop?
Well, he isn't relieving himself. He's marking a trail.
First dirt-tasting, now piddle-sniffing. I don't want to be around when you start listening to dung.
Fraser's looking for his dog again.
Yep.
Where are you going?
Stupid rookie mistake.
What do you mean?
These last two blocks, I've been tracking a Lhasa Apso.
You've been tracking a Lhasa Apso?
I know. If word of this gets back to the Territories, I'll never live it down.
Mounties can be so cruel.
You can't imagine. Evening, Jerome.
Hey, Jesse. (sniff)
(sniff) I don't smell anything. (sniff)
Ray! (sniff) This is it.
What?
He's here. (sniff)
Where?
(sniff) (sniff) Right there.
Markle's Used Cars? This is where the kid bought the car! Your dumb animal tracked it backwards.
Good dog. Good boy.
Yeah brilliant. Not only is he deaf, he's colorblind.
This is the car.
What do you mean this is the car? This car is bright yellow. The kids car was lime green. And his VIN number isn't even close.
No scratches on the lock. No sign of a break in.
They must have used a key.
Of course they used a key. It's their car.
When I was on Lenny's car, my button accidentally scratched the paint. Now I've just taken a second sample from the wheel well.
Oh yeah, very pretty.
They are identical. Except that this one has a fresh coat of yellow paint.
You're right. It's still tacky. This is the car.
Do you think we can get forensics down here?
No need. I'll have this puppy impounded in less than an hour.
Different plates, different color, different vehicle identification number. Am I getting the picture?
Uh, yes, sir, but--
And all of them are legit.
Apparently so, yes sir--
Detective Vecchio also has a source that corroborates his theories.
And that would be?
His wolf, sir?
Ah. Unfortunately wolves are such notoriously bad witnesses. In my experience, they tend to fold under cross-examination.
Gentlemen.
The State's Attorney has just enough man power to prosecute a small fraction of the cases we bring to them.
You can understand how I would hate to ask them to prosecute a case in which we have no evidence at all.
Leftenant, Lenny Milano is a decent young man. He's on parole and he's trying to turn his life around. I'm afraid if I told him there's nothing you can do for him--
Is he a friend of yours?
No, sir.
He's a relative.
No. He delivered a pizza to my apartment at Detective Vecchio's request.
Oh, you ordered the pizza.
It did not seem like a mistake at the time, sir.
Right. Just like bringing this case to me probably didn't seem like a mistake at the time.
Yes, sir.
My theory.
Well, I was just trying to give you credit, Ray.
Okay. I did my good deed. I embarrassed myself to the fullest extent of the law for you. Now can I go back to work?
Well, of course. You did all you could. Thank you, Ray.
Damn, he's as bad as his dog!
Hey, Milano! What's with the Mountie? Steal some maple syrup? We missed you, Lenny! Aw, did we hurt your feelings? Ya know, you gotta toughen up, boy. You don't know what personal hardships you'll run into the next time I get my hands on you.
Anytime, Fitz. Anytime.
Looking forward to seeing you, Lenny.
Is that young man expecting to be released soon?
No, he's expecting me to come back here. Everybody comes back.
Not everybody, Lenny.
Yeah.
So, a Mountie. What you do Lenny, steal some maple syrup? [laughs]
No, sir.
I came to vouch for the boy, sir.
And what does he need vouching for?
My car got stolen.
No problem.
I might be out of a job for a while.
Problem.
Sir--
Condition 12B of your early release. You maintain employment.
Well, I'm sure he'll be able to find alternative employment in no time.
It says maintain not re-obtain. Milano has to stick with the job he already has.
Well he can't deliver pizzas without a car, sir.
Sorry. Them's the rules. Lose your job, lose your freedom.
You wanna go undercover.
Well I admit, I'm not as familiar with the art of subterfuge as you are, Ray. But it appears to bean inside job, and I can't see any other way to gather sufficient evidence. would your cover be?
Okay, so what
Ah. my cover. Well. I thought I'd present myself as a chance passerby. Naturally I'd start by removing my hat and any identifying symbols from the uniform.
Well, that would be good, because your hat just might give you away.
Exactly. That's exactly what I felt. And then what I thought I would do, is I would stroll onto the lot, and I would introduce myself to the employees, and I would ask a few informal questions.
Such as?
Does anyone here know the whereabouts of a stolen lime green Comet?
Anyone seen a stolen car?
Any stolen cars around here? Oh! If you've seen a stolen car, please raise your hand!
Okay! Let's go.
Oh, did I say something wrong?
No, no, no, no, not at all, Benny.
No, I said something wrong.
No, no, no! Just follow me.
Okay.
You're very good.
Thank you.
How do I look?
Button. Rule number one of undercover work. If you don't believe it, they don't believe it. We're not pretending to be used car salesmen, we are used car salesmen
I understand.
Excuse me, uh--
Fraser, you're a car salesman!
Well, I understand that, Ray. I've done this before, you know.
Oh, really?
Yes. When I was a young scout working on my ecology badge, I insinuated myself into a hunting party in order to catch a baby seal killer.
So what happened?
Well, I was clubbed repeatedly, Ray.
Gentleman! Welcome to Tex Markle's Preowned Automobiles. I'm Tex Markles. What can I do for you?
It's what we can do for you. Roy Vinner. I'd like you to meet my partner, Billy Bob Fraser. Maybe you've heard of him. Billy Bob sold more cars than anyone in the state of Texas last year!
No kidding. Is that true, son?
No.
Huh. That's what I like. An honest man. Most people come here give me a line of bull trying to convince me they're something they're not. But I'll tell you, I'm a little short-handed right now. You see that old lady over there?
I can honestly say that I do.
Good. Well you sell her that piece of junk and you've got yourselves a job. Both of you. Now anything over four hundred dollars you can keep it. Deal?
Deal.
Okay.
Well, well, well, you have a keen eye for quality, young lady.
Thank you.
Would you like to start her up?
Yes.
Sounds great, huh?
Yes, it does sound great.
And I don't think that valve problem will give you any trouble for a few hundred miles.
Excuse me a moment, ma'am. Fraser, when people are trying to buy a car they really don't need to hear about engine problems. It makes 'em think they're not worth anything.
You don't expect me to lie to people, do you?
Who's asking you to lie? Okay, I am. But if we don't lie, we don't sell a car. If we don't get a job, we can't hang around here to solve the case. And if we don't solve the case, Lenny goes to jail. So if you can't say something untrue, please, don't say anything at all.
All right.
You've picked a fine automobile, ma'am.
Did you ever drive this car?
Yes, yes I did. In a rally race. From Whitehorse to Africa.
Do you mean you drove this car to Africa?
Yes. I did. Except for the Atlantic Ocean, where-where I had to... row.
Are you telling me the truth?
No.
How much do you want to spend?
One hundred dollars.
Deal. I'll meet you in the office.
Tex wanted four hundred.
I know. Cough up the other three.
Three?
Yeah. American hundred dollar bills. Now.
We did it, Tex! We sold her the car!
Good morning, people! I've got a couple of announcements of importance for everyone so take a minute to listen up, all righty? Uh, item one. Try selling cars? Mr. and Mrs. Markles have made it clear this is something we should be doing.
All righty? Item two. We have two new salesmen joining us today. Roy Vinner and Billy Bob Fraser, which means less commissions for the rest of us.
Fine.nice to meet you.
Finally Tex's specials for the day. The list is coming around.
Read it. These are the cars Tex would like us to push. Nice mark-ups which translates into more profits for Tex.
Which means a few more crumbs fall on your plates. One hundred dollar bonus for each one sold.
That's it people. Oh and hey, be careful out there.
I'm telling you this car is a veritable chick magnet. Best car on the lot.
Zero to 60 in 5.6 seconds, and the paint job goes great with blondes, brunettes, and redheads.
Okay, come look at this Camaro. Hey, let me give you a hand with that oxygen tank.
Thank you.
Whatcha doing, Billy Bob? Billy Bob!
Oh yes, that's me.
Let me take a shot in the dark here. Billy Bob's not your real name is it?
No, sir. It's Benton.
Well that's a shame. I can see why you'd change it. What the hell were you doing down there?
Well, I'd rather not say, sir.
Why not?
Roy would get mad.
Well, stop messing around under them cars and go and sell me some.
Well, I'd love to do that, sir, but I'm not really a car salesman.
Excuse me, I'd like to take a test drive.
Yes, ma'am. Right this way.
Uh, no. With him.
Oh, certainly. Uh, which car?
All of them.
Not a car salesman, huh?
Wow! I see you've made salesman of the month eight times in a row.
Yeah, well...You know, being nominated was honor enough.
Yeah.
Don't touch it.
Uh, Markles must be a pretty good employer, huh?
The best, yeah. As long as you do two things for him.
Oh yeah? What's that?
Sell plenty of cars.
And?
And don't ask too many stupid questions.
Billy Bob! Billy Bob! I figured it out.
The specials have all been stolen.
Exactly.
They've been stripped of everything but the serial numbers including the tires.
Exactly.
And judging from the numbers of coats of paint I'd say each one has been sold and stolen several times over.
You're with me.
It's a beauty, isn't it?
Yeah.
The only thing I don't understand is how they can continually to come up with new vehicle identification numbers.
I do.
You do?
Yeah, and if you hadn't been out test-driving all the cars on the lot you'd know, too.
You know, I'm beginning to suspect that that young woman wasn't interested in buying a car.
Dashboards.
Dashboards?
Yeah. I found half a dozen out back in the dumpster. All missing VIN plates.
And at the rate they're exchanging them, then, they must have quite a number secreted somewhere on the premises.
Mm-hmm. Follow me.
You know where they are?
I do, but I'm going to need some help getting in there.
You need me to create a distraction?
No, Billy Bob, I need you to be a distraction.
Oh.
Ho-How do you mean?
Well, hi there, Billy Bob.
Please. Call me Fraser, Mrs. Markles.
And you can call me Tammy.
Good. Good.
So, what can I do for you?
Well, uh, what I, um, what I think I...what I think... I, um uh, I don't know.
Really?
Well, you know, I've been thinking that you got the right stuff to be employee of the week.
Well, that's-that's-that's very flattering, but I haven't sold any cars.
Well now, employee of the week isn't just about selling cars.
Of course not. No. No. I would imagine it's about loyalty and, uh, dedication and, uh, trustworthiness...
I'm-I'm trying not to be.
You know what? If we're gonna dance, we might as well hold onto each other.
My husband only has time for his work. He really doesn't understand me, Billy Bob. But you do, don't ya?
Uh no, actually, I don't think I do.
Oh, I think you do.
Oh yes, now, uh, now I do.
Now, you keep your eyes closed!
Yes, I'd prefer that.
Now you can look.
No, I really can't
Stop him! Stop him now!
Oh, an emergency. I'm sorry! What a shame.
Somebody call the police! That kid's stealing a car!
Go stop him!
Something I can help you with?!
I was looking for the keys to the Skylark. [she throws them at him] Thank you.
Don't scratch the paint! [to Gary, assisting a couple]
Will you help him?!
What?
Stop, stop! Okay...
This-this is the car you want.
Get out of my way, you stupid Mountie!
Great work Billy Bob. [to cop] Arrest that man, officers.
But it's my car! But it's my car!
I know.
What an employee! That's what I need - more salesman who'll throw themselves in front of a car for me! Gary, give him one of your plaques.
Looks like I'll be here for a while.
I'm sorry you have to stay here.
I've been in worse places. Looks like I'm going back to one. I blew it, huh?
Dispositional hearing isn't until Friday. It's not over yet.
Look, it's not that I don't appreciate your help or anything, but yeah, it is over. Looks like Fitz was right. Things always come back around and around and around.
You know, Lenny, I'm a man who believes in destiny. But it's a destiny of your own choosing. Just because a trail leads one way doesn't mean you can't cut your own path.
Looks like mine leads right over a cliff.
Cliffs are for climbing, Lenny. That's why God gave us grappling hooks.
First you want to go undercover, now you talk me into this thing?
Well, we have to catch them in the act, Ray.
You see, here's the tricky thing about sting operations. They require money, resources and a lot more manpower than you, me, and a wolf.
That's why we have our third man.
Can you read me?
Loud and clear. Oh, um, once again, I'm terribly sorry about the confusion.I thought that you understood my intention.
Don't worry, really. I've forgotten all about it.
Let me ask you something. If a guy asks if you're busy tonight, he's asking you out, right?
Yeah, I'd think so.
Yeah, so would I. You seen a salesman?
Four hundred women in my black book, and you had to call my sister.
Well, I'm sorry, but it was the only current number.
Okay, can we go over this drill one more time? No departmental approval means we're on our own, and being on our own means?
No back up.
No. We're using my money, and using my money means we're buying a cheap car. You find Tex. You ask him what the specials are, and you buy the cheapest car on the lot.
You know, you've told me this a hundred times already. I think I picked up on most of the subtleties of the plan.
Yeah, just buy the kid's Comet.
Stop treating me like a child, okay? I know what I'm doing.
Here he comes.
Hello, little lady. Welcome to Tex Markle's Fine Pre-Owned Automobiles. I'm Tex Markles, and how can I help you?
I'm lookin' for a car! I'm lookin' for a car!
I'm looking for a car!
Well, you've certainly come to the right place. You have anything specific in mind?
Something cheap!
Ohhhh, I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know?! Buy the Comet! Buy the Comet!
A corvette?
Comet! C-O-M--
Is this thing working?
One of the really expensive ones.
You keep this up, and I'm gonna let Fraser read your diary.
Oh! Look at that Comet. That's adorable!
Comet is a great car. Solid, dependable automobile. Yeah, as a matter of fact,
uh, we-we got this little babymarked right down. We can, uh, let you have it for about, uh, six hundred d ollars?
Three hundred, tell him three! Tell him three!
Six it is.
What is the matter with you? Did we not go over this plan? Did we not sit in a room and go over this plan?
That was supposed to be a flash roll.
Yeah, well consider it a payback.
For what?
You killed my hamster.
Yeah, twenty years ago.
You killed her hamster, Ray?
How was I suppose to know they couldn't swim?
Ray, we got company. Black sedan at six o'clock.
All right, pull over and I'll set the homing device.
Oh! It was premeditated murder. Just admit it.
Okay, I admit it. Now pull over!
I'm over.
Ready?
Ready.
Gimme the keys, gimme the keys! Okay now, I'm gonna be riding in the trunk.
What about the homing device?
There's no time. Watch this.
No, no, no, Ray, I don't know about this. Ray, you're going to be inside the trunk pulling down.
Will you just get in the trunk already?!
Trust me, this contraption has saved me hundreds of dollars at the drive-in movies.
You all right?
I think I got ripped off. The trunk leaks. Yeow! Jeez this stuff's hot!
Ray.
Code names! We're on an open frequency here.
Penguin to Stallion, come in, Stallion.
Stallion here.
All right, the ferrets have gone around twice. Here they come again.
Who?
The car thieves.
Oh, right.
I'm ready. Let's go.
Uh, Ray, we've got trouble, there's a fox in the cave.
What?
Your sister is in the car.
Get her outta here!
Uh, I'm afraid you'll have to leave. This could become dangerous
You have a corkscrew? Oh, that's all right, it's a twist off.
I, uh, I don't mean to sound ingracious and it's not that I don't appreciate the offer.
Hot hors d'oeuvre?
I'm suffocating and you're serving him a buffet?
You stay out of this, Gelding.
Stallion!
Yeah, in your dreams.
Uh, Stallion, the ferret is in the forest.
What?
The car thief is coming your way. Escargot?
We're right behind you, Stallion.
Now don't get too close! We don't want to scare these guys off.
We don't want to lose you.
Oh, he'll be fine. Would you mind peeling me a shrimp?
You just turned again. Which way did you turn?
What am I, a Mountie? Right, left, I'm in the trunk for crying out loud!
Just tell me what you hear.
I hear my head smashing against the side of the trunk. Damn! There's another one!
Speedbumps. Turn right.
Can you sorta take the wheel for a moment? I've got my hands full.
Will you step on it?
I can't really serve and drive, now can I? Gespacho?
Uh, he's breaking up. Might I suggest we increase our speed?
Oh.
Will you floor it, Francesca?
All right! You want garlic butter on your upholstery?
Ray. I think he's out of range. Ray!
Shh! (The car is stopped...They shut off the engine...I can hear voices...All right, I can't wait for you guys, I'm coming out...3-2-1.
Damn. Stupid Mounties....)
Vinner! I knew there wasn't something right about that guy
False alarm. We're moving again.
Ray, the driver never got back in.
Uh-oh.
(I think they're getting the car washed again... I don't think they use fresh water at this place...) And they sure are using a lot...Too much. Way too much. Fraser!
We've got the wrong place.
No, we don't. Get the keys to the Comet. Get the escargot.
You think he'll be hungry?
Where are they? Where are the keys?
They're in my wallet.
I need the keys!
They're in my wallet, they're in my wallet...they're not in my wallet....
Picnic basket! In the other pocket. Okay, I know where it is.
There is no pocket...Oh, my blue purse....They're in this pocket....
I can't find the, uh, the keys.
Ugh! Ugh!
Ray? Ray? Ray!
Fraser, Fraser. I don't think that was a car wash.
No, Ray. [to Frannie] We need a blanket.
Well, I only have my good one.
Get the blanket!
You okay?
Yeah.
Okay, so where we going?
You're going home. Did you see who it was?
No, they took off before we got there.
I say we go to the dealership and arrest the whole damn bunch.
That would be an injustice, Ray.
You want to see an injustice, take a look at my suit.
Look at my blanket.
Shut up.
Hey, Tammy, where's the keys to the Mustang? Tammy?
Get 'em yourself.
Put that back. What are you doing?
What does it look like I'm doing? I'm taking everything you own and I'm leaving you, you jerk!
Why?
Well, because I've been selling stolen cars, that's why.
Don't lie to me. There's another man, isn't there?
Good God, There've been dozens of 'em. Where've you been?.
Well, forget it. You can break my heart, but you can't steal my money!
You haven't got the guts.
Okay, drop it!
Thank God you're here! He's gone crazy! He's going to kill me!
Drop the gun, Tex, you're under arrest!
But she's stealing my money!
I said drop it!
He didn't do it, Ray.
He's the one with the gun.
But she's the one with the algae on her shoes.
Okay, freeze.
She couldn't have done it alone.
Freeze.
Gary?
Gary.
Put your hands in the air.
Gary, darlin'. Shoot 'em. Shoot 'em all!
I can't believe this. You're leaving me for a-a salesman?
Shoot him first.
No, Tammy. We're not going to shoot anybody. We're just gonna tie 'em up and get on a plane and get out of here, like we planned.
Oh good God, you're as big a coward as he is. Well, never mind. I'll just give your ticket to someone else.
Chipped my plaque.
It's a superficial wound. [to Tex] Can you watch him 'til the police come?
Sure.
Thank you.
It's chipped...
You're testin' the wrong person, Billy Bob.
Dead?
I hate men.
No. Just disappointed.
What is wrong with you?
Pardon me?
What the hell is wrong with you? She almost killed you in there. Didn't you think she would flatten you here?
Oh, I knew she was prepared to kill me.
Well, then why did you stand there?
Well, I heard you coming. I had to keep her attention fixed on me long enough so that you would be able to intervene.
But what if I didn't?
Well, I knew that you would take the car parked next to hers, and the Plymouth accelerates two seconds faster over the quarter mile than the Cadillac.
I took the Chevy.
Oh. Oh well. You know, you really should tell me next time.
Tell you what?
Well, I mean if you're going to change a plan like that. I was standing in front of a car, Ray.
Plan? Plan? What plan? You mean to tell me-- There were two cars to choose from, all right? Are you telling me I took the wrong car?
No apologies necessary. It's already forgotten.
Do we gotta pay for these cars?
I would imagine so. Yes.
Welsh is gonna have my butt.
Twenty-nine minutes, Ray.
Okay, okay. I don't need a countdown
Okay, this is the twelve hundred block. It's got to be around here someplace.
Do you believe these skinflints? They couldn't have just ordered from across the street?
Maybe they wanted the perfect pizza at the perfect price.
Sixteen bucks? I'm not paying. Your job, kid. You pay.
Why should I pay? You're driving.
And I'm afraid I left my wallet in the lake, Ray.
What about him?
Well, I don't like to touch his savings account.
Just tell 'em you couldn't find the building.
Oh yeah, that'll work.
Worked on you.