Chinatown
You want your soggy chop suey, you go to the 'burbs.
Down here, it's the real deal.
Fish heads, bird nest soup, shark fins so fresh they're still swimming in the bowl.
But ya gotta act like a regular, otherwise they stick you with yesterday's mooshoo.
Well, I'll just follow your lead, then.
Yeah, just try not to hold the menu upside down.
Oh dear.
Uh, you see that sign?
That includes you.
No, no, no. You can't take that attitude.
It's a health regulation. There's a very good reason for it.
Yeah, you stink.
Ray, please, he's already feeling excluded.
Well, he should feel excluded, he's an animal.
Well, there you go. Now you've done it. Satisfied?
Strangely, yes.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
How could you be out of bird nest soup? There's gotta be one in every tree.
The wonton soup is excellent.
I'm going to take a break, Dad.
All right, look just give us a couple of orders of mandarin duck, will ya?
Sorry, no duck.
How about a chili dog?
Uh, Ray? May I?
Yeah go ahead Benny, but it's in Chinese.
Oh, so I see.
And try not to order anything with internal organs, will ya?
Uh . "dai yut, dai Sei, yung gnai choii, bok fon, gai uyp dip sei gyup tim."
Ho go do je sai. Do je sai.
Ng goi.
How did you do that?
I just went with the specials.
But she worries too much.
I know, I know.
My grandparents helped set up an English language library in China before the revolution.
And they taught me the Cantonese/Mandarin dialects when I was little.
But I'm afraid I've forgotten almost all the Fuchow and Amoy-swatow that I knew.
Oh yeah, I hate when that happens.
You think he's all right?
Who?
Diefenbaker.
He's a wild animal!
He didn't look all right.
Now who would go off and leave a nice dog like you. Nice cookie?
Sei ho, chow fun, dow sei jueng, hom sui gok, sei yow.
Got a light?
Sure.
Oops. Sorry.
No problem.
Go, go!
Let go! Let go of me!
Glass.
Certainly.
Excuse me.
Oh, no, Benny, not the window! I don't think they have doors in Canada.
Ray! Kidnapping! Call for assistance!
Unit 3-4-2, request a back-up.
English. Speak English.
Who was it?
Nobody saw anything.
So, you were sitting up there when this supposed crime took place where?
Approximately 35 meters south-southwest.
And you saw this from across the room, through the pagoda and around the corner, right?
No, I heard it.
You heard it.
Tell me Fraser, what exactly does a kidnapping sound like?
Well, in this case, there was the sound of a foot breaking glass.
This was followed by the scream of a female bystander,
and then the squeal of tires as the vehicle pulled away from the curb.
And did you happen to hear a license plate number, too?
No, no. The license was obscured by mud.
You know what we have here, Jack? Another case of speeding with a dirty license plate.
Damn! This city's going to hell.
I did find this. Whoever was kidnapped must have tried to escape through the rear window.
I believe you'll find that's human blood.
Ah, someone nicked themselves while driving.
This case keeps getting worse and worse.
Mm hmm.
Okay the owner says he didn't get out in time to see anything.
Likewise everyone else on the block.
So no witnesses, no victim, no evidence. You know what this sounds like, Louis?
A UFO sighting?
I'm afraid so. It's all yours, Vecchio.
You guys going back to the donut shop so soon? Yeah, thanks for your fine police work.
Thank you, Vecchio.
Okay, have you humiliated me enough for one night,
or do we need to cruise the neighborhood so you can smell out a robbery?
No, I think we're still needed here, Ray.
The kidnappers are bound to make contact sooner or later.
With who? We don't even know who was kidnapped.
No, but I will wager that Mr. Lee does.
Did you notice the restaurant next door?
Yeah, it was packed, so what?
Well, based on the menus displayed in the window,
Mr. Lee's prices are cheaper by half and yet his restaurant sits empty on a Saturday night.
Yeah, well, if he stocked up a little better he'd have a fighting chance.
No restaurateur would allow his key ingredients to be depleted, at least not willingly.
So you think he's being squeezed.
Yes, I do.
Look, it's a mom and pop establishment. There's no money here. Who would bother?
Well, I don't know. But whoever it is, I think they just raised the stakes.
Where is my son?
My people tell me he has been kidnapped.
I was shocked, certainly, but not surprised.
For some time now there has been talk of drugs, of gambling debts unpaid.
Those are lies.
Of course, but let us keep at the issue at hand.
As you know I have the resources to find your son.
I offer to do this and return him to you. In return I would ask a similar favor.
You will stop the lies you are spreading about me in the community
and you will demonstrate your respect for us by accepting the reasonable
and generous business offer we have made to you in the past.
Do this and I will find your son for you.
Will you please give him what he wants.
You cannot do that!
He has my son!
He'll come for ours next, if you give in to him...
You were the one who told us to stand together when the Tong came to our neighborhood.
If you give in, we all go down.
Mr. Lee? I'm terribly sorry to intrude.
Excuse me?
It was your son they took, wasn't it?
We will speak later, my friends. Goodnight.
I wasn't able to see the occupants clearly, but one of them was wearing kitchen whites.
Your son, he never came back from his break.
Thank you for your concern,
but whoever this unfortunate boy is there is nothing you can do for him.
You do not realize what will happen to him if the police get involved.
The Tong makes the law down here.
I don't think you believe that, Mr. Lee.
And if you give them what they want they'll take it,
and they'll still betray you.
Perhaps. But this boy's father may not have any choice but to trust they will keep their word.
There's a wise Chinese expression. Under the fragrant bait you will find a hooked fish.
I cannot help you. Please, go.
'Under the fragrant bait you will find a hooked fish'?
Do you have any idea what you're saying? You sound like a fortune cookie.
What did I tell you? Talking nice gets you nowhere.
These people come from a culture that only responds to strength.
That's a cultural stereotype, Ray.
Yeah, look who's talking.
Mr. Lee heard what I had to say. Now he'll make his choice.
Yep, and that's the last we'll see of him.
It's all right, Mr. Lee. Just take your time.
For years, the Tong ignored our neighborhood,
concentrating on the more prosperous merchants of Chinatown.
Then Charlie Wong came to town.
Heard of him. Heard he's hungry.
He wanted to make a name for himself.
I told him to get lost and I encouraged my neighbors to do the same.
That's why he took David.
He didn't actually say he has your son, did he?
He's not a stupid man.
Well, you did the right thing in coming to us, Mr. Lee. We will find your son.
Yes.
Okay, now I want you to tell us as close as you can remember exactly what he said on the phone.
Gentleman. I hear Mr. Lee is prepared to make a statement.
Good going, Jack. See what happens when you take the donut holes out of your ears?
Pack it up, Vecchio. You called us in. It's our case.
You, out. You, stay put.
No. You, out. You, stay put.
Touch this again, I'll toss you out.
Perhaps we should all step out.
Good idea. Agents Ford and Deeter, FBI. We're taking over the case.
Hey! I just bought that.
Hmmph.
All right, one at a time.
Kidnapping is a federal offense. There is no discussion here.
Lieutenant, they just can't walk in and kick us off our case.
It's not your case, it's my case.
Yeah, right, Ray.
Uh, sir, perhaps I can be of assistance.
Who's he?
He's a Mountie.
What's he doing here?
I'm never entirely sure.
Leftenant, I understand your dilemma.
In Canada, we have more than a passing familiarity with confusion.
We're comprised of 10 provinces and 2 territories communicating
across 6 time zones in 2 official languages.
The English don't understand the French, the French don't understand the English,
and the Inuit, quite frankly, couldn't give a damn about either of them.
Added to the equation is the Assembly of First Nations,
with a total of 633 separate Indian bands speaking 180 sub-dialects
among their 50 linguistic groups.
And as if that weren't enough, there are some fisherman on the east coast
with a remarkably whimsical accent--
There is a point to this, I assume?
Oh yes sir. I believe so. The key that we have found is compromise.
I would suggest we devise the plan that would use everyone to the best of their abilities.
This man knows nothing about police work. Get him out of here.
Ray, please.
I thank you for your time.
It is settled now. You will help my son.
The FBI is on the case now, Mr. Lee. They'll help you.
But I don't know those men. Can I trust them?
I want wire taps on the restaurant and on the home phones.
And I want background checks on everyone in the restaurant including the victim.
Oh, and I want two of our best people undercover in Chinatown. Get McClusky and O'Hara.
Roger.
You the kid's father? In here.
Put your trust in the law.
Are you nuts? The kid is done for.
The FBI guys couldn't find Waldo if they took the book home for the weekend.
I said trust in the law, Ray, that doesn't mean we can't give the law a leg up.
Atta boy, Benny, now you're talking! So where do we start?
In here.
Benny? This is a closet.
I know.
How long are we gonna sit in here? You see, I have this thing about the dark.
I mean-I mean I've dealt with it. I'm comfortable with it.
I mean-I mean it's not like I'm afraid of the dark. Hey!
No, no. Three in a closet is where I draw the line.
Would everyone please settle down? I'm trying to listen.
To what?
Shhhh. I'm not certain but it sounds like 'doowsh, doowsh.'
What does that sound like to you?
How about the sound of my job going down the toilet?
I'm sitting in a dark closet with a Mountie being licked by a deaf wolf...
That was the wolf,wasn't it?
Yes, Ray.
Oh, thank God! So what the hell we doing in here anyway?
I'm recreating the sounds of the kidnapping in my mind.
The noise the limo made after it sped out of sight.
If I can piece these noises together it should lead us to David Lee.
There. There we go.
What is it?
I think it's a clunk. No. No wait a minute.
It's a thud. Definitely a thud.
But what does it mean?
It doesn't matter what it means. All that matters now is to remember.
Hi.
I saw you guys come in here.
Ah, well we were just um...have you ever heard of a sound that goes 'doowsh doowsh.'
No more listening in closets, okay?
I'm sorry, Ray.
Is it strictly necessary to humiliate me every step of the way?
I mean is it necessary--
Ray, Ray. Please, I can't have the both of you sulking.
Well are you coming?
You know, you-you let a wolf save your life, they make you pay and pay and pay.
That's why I don't own a wolf.
I don't like this Jack. I feel dirty.
There's no time for scruples, Louis. We've got to get back on this case.
I hate these FBI guys. Why would I want to help them?
Because that's how it works. We scratch their backs, they scratch ours.
They broke my tape recorder.
Louis, try to grasp this concept.
A Mountie and a badly dressed Italian are solving more cases than we are.
Our image is tarnished, our case load had slipped,
and I spend more time plucking out gray hairs than I do with my tailor.
We need a break.
I know that, Jack. I've got a tailor, too, you know.
So think. We're dealing with the feds here. What's the one thing they want most from this case?
To get the credit?
Exactly. So we help them get the credit and we keep some for ourselves. All right?
All right.
You cool?
Yeah.
Good.
Yeah, I'm cool.
Well, the car that was used in the kidnapping. What was it?
Lincoln Town Car. Late model.
Is that a common car to Chicago?
Nah. There couldn't be more than five thousand of them.
Do you think we can get a manual?
Yeah.
Do you know what this is?
No.
It's a bug. You know how to plant one?
What do you think?
I think you're morons. But do it right and we'll bring you in for the kill.
Louis. He just called you a moron.
This is exactly what I was afraid would happen.
Ray, please.
You cannot track a Lincoln Town Car through the streets of Chicago.
It's not like a beaver. It doesn't leave nice little tail tracks in the tundra.
Wait.
What is it?
We've picked up their trail.
Why do I feel more and more like Dale Evans? Hey, Roy, wait for me !
I thought you said it was a clunk.
No, it was more like a thud accompanied by a chkkkk and followed by a tccchhh.
Spend a lot of time alone as a child, Fraser?
Yes. What is this?
It's a pothole!
This is it.
How do you know?
Look at this.
Yeah, that looks like where the tailpipe mighta hit.
And these?
Two tire tracks, but if this is a Lincoln, they didn't lay much rubber.
Well maybe the tire didn't have much left. What does the manual say about the wheel base?
Seventy inches.
What's the distance from the tailpipe to the left rear wheel?
Thirty-three inches.
This is the car, and they turned right.
Oh great. Now we know the Lincoln turned right before it disappeared into thin air.
Is this what you call a hot trail up in the north country?
Look at this.
What is it?
Mud.
Mud. You found mud. Now that is something amazing.
The license plate was intentionally obscured.
Now this piece must have fallen off when they hit that bump.
Now see this? It could be the negative image of a 3.
Yeah or a 5 or an 8. In other words, we're nowhere, the trail is over and we got zip.
Not necessarily. What does it smell like?
Mud.
But what else?
Mud and fresh towels?
Exactly.
What are you doing?
That is the only piece of physical evidence we have and you're destroying it.
Well, the mud isn't the evidence we need, Ray. This is. Do you see these white flecks?
Yeah so?
Watch this.
Soap!
How many laundries are there in this area?
Fraser, this is Chinatown.
And how many laundries are there directly on the river?
The river.
This is fine grain alluvial mud. It's only found close to a river bank. Do you have your phone?
Yeah.
Hello?
Elaine.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, Vecchio. How many Chinese laundries are there right on the river bank?
Why? You two having trouble squeezing into a booth?
Elaine.
You know, occasionally just occasionally,
you might want to consider doing your own grunt work
instead of foisting it off on me with out so much as a word of appreciation.
Okay, I appreciate you, Elaine.
Eh, who cares.
Elaine, we really appreciate you.
Really?
The laundry, Elaine?
Yeah. Here we go. Looks like there's only one. 2193-A China Place. Sho Ma Laundry.
Thanks, Elaine.
And they called you a moron.
You know what we're going to find in there? Six old ladies playing mah-jongg.
Maybe, maybe not.
Soap.
Police! Freeze!
So much for your mud and soap theory.
Whoever kidnapped David Lee was here last night.
At least four of them. They bound him in duct tape.
What is it?
Listen.
Oh, Benny, not again.
Shhh.
Get back!
Front door!
Across the street.
Since when do thugs start wearing flak jackets? Oh, no!
This is the FBI. You are surrounded. Throw down your weapons.
Oh great!
What kind of idiot are you?!
You eavesdrop on my phone call.
You blast in there with assault weapons, and everyone in Chinatown knows we're on the case.
Who's fault is that, Detective? This is a federal investigation.
You were specifically instructed not to interfere.
Leftenant, David Lee and his kidnapper were in that building.
The tire tracks in the alley confirm this and there's more evidence inside.
Now if we can just gain access to--
No! This is a crime scene. I will not have unauthorized personnel entering that--
Where is he? My son? You have found him?
No I'm afraid not, Mr. Lee.
But all the police. The shooting.
Look, uh, Mr. Lee. We're sorry to disappoint you,
but things like these happen in the course of an investigation.
So if you'll take your wife and go home, please.
I see. Nothing to be concerned about.
My son is in the hands of the killers
and I should go home and wait for you to shoot up some other places!
We're doing everything we can, sir. He's hysterical, get him out of here.
He's on his way in.
Good. Take him into interrogation.
Who? Take up who?
You! Come into Chinatown. You bring the police. FBI.
What do you think will happen when Charlie Wong hears of this?
What do you think he will do to my son?
We will deal with Mr. Wong.
No! No!
Charlie Wong? Are you crazy?
The victim is still out there and you bring in his kidnapper?
As you pointed out, Detective, all of Chinatown already knows we're involved.
It's time to take the bull by the horns.
He's right. You're an idiot.
You've done this to me. You've killed my son.
This is what you get for trying to help someone?
No, he's right.
You didn't blow up Chinatown. The feds did.
But I led them there. I did this.
I need this one, sir.
Come on, Detective. You know I can't do that.
The fed's a horse's ass. He's gonna blow this.
It's his investigation. Look, maybe I can make a call.
Maybe we can have him replaced.
That kid'll be dead by then, sir. I need this one.
Come on.
Where?
I have this room I go to when I need to close my eyes and listen.
Out.
But I was just--
Trust me. There are things a lot more painful than gum disease.
It's not very polite, Ray.
You like that? You're going to love this.
We're eavesdropping, aren't we?
I'll make sure they take your merit badge away later.
The police cannot distinguish between Chinese and Japanese,
let alone an honest Chinese from a dishonest one.
I don't think there's much doubt which category you fall into, Charlie.
Where is David Lee?
I hear he's been abducted.
What's that?
What?
It sounds like uh...chk chk.
Will you stop that?
I offered to help his family in anyway I could.
Unfortunately the situation appears to be out of my control.
I think you underestimate yourself, Mr. Wong.
I think you know exactly where David Lee is. And I think you're just the guy to tell us.
Why do you think that, Agent Ford?
Because if you don't, we're going to invoke the RICO Act.
Raid your place of business, seize your assets and shut you down.
So I should be frightened.
Even though you have absolutely no evidence
which would connect me to the unfortunate disappearance of this young man.
Kidnapping is gravy.
All we need is evidence of racketeering and threats of extortion
and we can take every penny you've made since kindergarten.
I don't doubt your zeal, Agent Ford, but if you had such evidence,
I don't think you'd be sitting here explaining the RICO Act to me. You would have acted.
You've given us our evidence, Mr. Wong.
You laid it right in our laps. You threatened the wrong shopkeeper, Charlie.
He can't do this.
He was just downstairs. What do you think he was doing, huh?
Mr. Lee is willing to testify to your conversation, and racketeering puts you away for twenty.
Now you kill his son, and it only makes him a stronger witness.
You have no witness.
Mr. Wong's lawyer.
This is a writ of habeas corpus ordering you to release Mr. Wong immediately.
Let's go, Charlie.
Gentlemen.
He's just killed them both.
I'll give you what you want. Give me back my son.
Please.
I don't understand, Mr. Lee.
Yesterday you were prepared to sacrifice your son for your pride.
I offered you my protection, my help.
I extended my hand in friendship and you spit on it. And now you betray me to the police.
Forgive me. I'll give you anything you ask.
Too late.
No!
Where is your pride now, old man? You want to do something for your son?
Yes.
Give me what I deserve. A simple show of respect.
Anything.
My office. One hour.
And Mr. Lee,Be sure to walk.
All of your neighbors must see you pay respect to the man who will save your son.
Fraser, what are you doing? Fraser, will you get off the floor?
Fraser! Okay, that's it.
I'm not going to stand here and watch while you eat hairballs off the floor.
It's not those, Ray. It's these. Nail clippings.
That's the sound Charlie Wong was making.
Oh, that's too bad, cause I thought you had something incriminating,
like his nose hairs.
It's not the nails we're interested in, Ray.
It's what's underneath them.
Fraser, this guy wears two-thousand-dollar suits, okay?
He's not going to walk around with dirt under his nails.
Well exactly. Which means anything we find had to have been collected
since he showered this morning.
No! No! Oh, don't do that! Don't, don't, don't.
Close your eyes it won't bother you.
Okay, just hurry up will you? Well?
Potassium nitrate and a touch of sulfur.
That's gun powder.
Not ordinary gun powder. It's very low grade.
It's not like anything I've ever tasted.
Do you do this a lot? Try to solve cases by gnawing on ammunition?
Well, I admit, it is a calculated risk, Ray, but...I am a professional.
This is not for amateurs.
Hello! Hello? Hello? Pay and pay and pay.
Charlie Wong. My husband is planning to go to him. To humble himself.
To get the release of our son.
I love my son. He's all we have,
but I trust a snake not to bite before I trust Charlie Wong.
Where are they meeting?
There's a club near the end of our street.
Wong and his people use it as if it is theirs. One hour from now.
Thank you.
I want my family back.
We're gonna stop 'em?
If he doesn't show up, Charlie will kill his son.
And if he does, he'll kill 'em both.
Yes. So that gives us 45 minutes to find David.
How? We don't even know where the hell we're going.
I think we do.
Firecrackers? Sorry, Fraser, not good enough.
Why not? It's gun powder, it's low grade...
In case you didn't realize, Mr. Mountie, you cannot buy, sell,
or manufacture fireworks anywhere in the city of Chicago.
That is unless you have a license to exhibit.
City ordinance section fifteen dash twenty.
You read that?
There's a world of information at your local library, Ray.
You still there, Elaine?
Three. Quan Lew and Yellow Dragon Fireworks, both on the south side,
and Lucky Day Pyrotechnics on Barrington.
Thank you kindly, Elaine.
Yeah, thanks Elaine.
Uh-huh.
Your call.
We'll try the one on Barrington.
That's right in Charlie Wong's backyard.
You actually think he's going to keep the kid there?
He's there. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
Another wise Chinese guy?
No, Robert Fraser, my father.
Barrington. It's just ahead on the left.
Got him.
Where's the kid?
You're a cop. You won't shoot me.
I'm not that good a cop.
Upstairs. At the back.
How many?
Two. Three.
Ladies first.
Give me five minutes then come down and get him.
Leave the bodies in the alley. I want them found.
You got it. You want to start smoking, now would be a good time.
Ray, gunpowder!
Oh you gotta be kidding me!
You all right?
Where's my father?
One crisis at a time, kid. I think they're reloading.
You sure?
Not entirely.
Now they're reloading.
Go!
Freeze!
You all right?
Fine.
You've made a wise choice. Come in.
Where's my son?
Where is my tribute?
You stupid old man. Do you know what you've done to your son? Do you?
Please, I beg you.
No. No more.
Don't move, Wong! Up against the wall! Up against the wall!
Thank you.
If you're expecting an apology, you've got another think coming, mister.
Pay and pay and pay.
This is the FBI. You are surrounded. Throw down your weapons!
Well, you have to admire their timing.
Shouldn't we stay and fill out some reports?
Well, no. We have to leave 'em something to do.
Nice shot, by the way...knocking it out of the guy's hand.
Oh, you liked that?
Oh, I was impressed.
I thought you would be.
You were aiming for...
His chest.
Oh. I think I should adjust your sights.
I'd appreciate that. You hungry?
Mm-hmm.
know a nice little place right around the corner.
I know what it is, I'm an idiot.
I meet this guy, he's like no one I've ever met before, you know?
Warm, caring, sensitive...the kind that really rips your guts out.
And right there, right there, I shoulda known.
There should have been this big neon sign flashing in ten foot high letters,
'Elaine, you're about to make a complete fool of yourself!'
I mean, just who the hell does he think he is?
Coming around here with that dopey-looking grin, saying things like,
'Good morning, Elaine.' 'How are you today, Elaine?'
'Thank you kindly for your time, Elaine.' Like I'm supposed to just take that?
And the minute you let him get to you, you can't sleep,
your skin starts to break out, and the next thing you know,
you're wandering around supermarkets humming tunes by the Carpenters at the top of your lungs!
Do you have any idea what that feels like?
At least I won't be the only one who breaks out.
End