WOMAN CRIES OUT IN PAIN
UNDER HER BREATH: Ah agle mou, Spirithona.
- Oh, parcel. - Ah.
Riches from my tailor, Mr Jakeways.
I saw Daphne with her baby, for the first time.
Oh, darling.
I want my own family. I'm 20, that's a good age to start.
It isn't really. You can't even vote,
and you've got... well, how much money?
- In financial terms? - No, in bananas.
Well, as a man in my prime, I'm ready.
Bulls start at the age of one.
Well, you're not a bull, you help run a guesthouse.
And I need you here, while Larry's gone.
And Margo say she will leave soon.
What? Well, that's absurd.
That's like releasing a dotty kitten into the jungle.
And that's why she wants to go, because you think she's a clot.
I don't think she's a clot!
She's just not ready for the real world of normal human interaction.
Oh! Ah!
- Lugaretzia, please, go home. - I go home.
Go home and rest your bad back or your bottom or whatever it is.
- What do you think? - Does Mr Toad know you have his clothes?
Louisa, I love your cruelty.
Well, that's good, there's plenty more where that came from.
CAR APPROACHES
- CAR HORN - Oh.
- Martin crapped on me. - Oh. - My fault.
PIG SQUEALS
You must be Mrs Durrells.
- You come highly recommended. - Ah, well, how nice.
- Durrell, in fact. - Do you have a room for me?
I do. The penthouse on the top floor.
What is this, a ruddy zoo?
Yes, I suppose it is.
Don't get romantic with him. He's not your type.
The Colonel loves guns, so you two will get on well, Leslie.
In fact, I've moved on from shooting.
Although that is quite something.
Margo's gone. Sorry about the poo.
'Dear Mother, I know you'd try to make me stay,
'so I've been smuggling out my possessions.
'I'll be at a secret location in Corfu.
'I'll be in touch when settled.'
- Where's Margo gone? - She won't say.
Well, this is terrible. We must search the island.
No! We all run off when we're nippers.
- How old is she? - 18.
- Well, it's time she left then. - Yes, it'll be all right.
- Do her good. - Your job's done.
What do all you men know? I'm... sad as a mother,
as a woman, frankly, I'm feeling outnumbered.
Then I went over the top in Wipers...
- and... - LAUGHS
- ..copped a Blighty. - What?
He fought at Ypres and was invalided home.
Still got a crotch full of shrapnel.
I can't have magnets in the house.
Louisa doesn't want to hear the word "crotch".
No, it's fine, I am familiar with the concept.
Well, don't let me harp on about the war.
Or should I?
No.
The time I got a bayonet up my jacksie in the Bosphorus, anyone?
- I thought you liked war. - Nobody sane likes war.
I believe in protecting one's loved ones,
if one's lucky enough to have any.
Well, the Hun are up to their old tricks.
Clearly, I didn't kill enough last time.
Austria's gone, who's next?
I've decided there won't be a new war.
Good girl.
Little bit over familiar.
I've been here for months, I've earned it.
We have a super rapport.
Anyway, I've recently left the army
and I'd rather like to try my hand at hunting.
- Oh no, don't do that. - Why not?
Only an idiot would kill an animal for fun.
And I'm sure you're not an idiot.
Gerry, don't be rude to our paying guests.
Your family, is it me, or is it slightly falling apart?
I love it here, Theo, thanks for letting me stay.
No, it's good for me.
I'm a creature of routine, which is terrible.
Me and my perfectly symmetrical room.
Break it up!
But let me tell your mother you're here.
- She's anxious. - No, don't you dare.
Oh, I bought these yesterday in the market.
They'll help me inspire my new beauty business.
Let's take this old codger down.
Isn't it gorgeous?
You don't mind, do you?
Thanks, Theo.
FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
I hear you're a gun wallah. Let's go hunting.
No, I've left that behind me.
I want a solid career so I can have a family and...
I'll pay you handsomely.
Now, what's the big game on Corfu?
Well, the biggest prize is wild boar, but they're hard to find.
Good! You sort that out then.
And I'll have my money back if it's a washout.
KNOCK
- Yeah. - DOOR OPENS
Evening.
Did you know that insects don't have circulatory blood systems?
Right.
Their organs bathe in chambers of blood,
it's usually green or yellow.
I... need to confide in someone.
- Leslie's downstairs. - No, he'd be useless.
- The Colonel's... - I'd rather die.
- Mother's somewhere. - It's her I want to talk about.
Because I'm... finding,
to my surprise, that I...
..well...
I love her.
- I love her, too. - Not the way I love her.
Like a burning...
..house.
When locusts fail to find a mate
they travel, often for thousands of miles...
Can we, for once, not relate everything to creepy crawlies?
Based on your knowledge of your mum...
..d'you have any hints or tips re unlocking her heart?
- You haven't a hope in hell. Sorry. - Well...
There's a challenge.
'Dear Ma and the sibling horde,
'I'm perched up here in the North
'which cascades serenity
'when I'm not hammering sentences into being.'
Oh, Larry. Please relax, it's me.
- 'How are the kids?' - That's better.
'I miss them, and you, of course.
'My dancer girls have left to prance professionally in Athens,
'but I am writing like a hungry fish. Are you happy?
'Knowing you, and I do, you will concede only,
'"Partly happy with risk of scattered doubts, heavy at times."'
Larry's letters make me sad too.
But that's because they're gibberish.
I miss him. And Margo, of course, as one misses a....
..dotty kitten who's run off into the jungle
- even though she's not ready for the real world or... - All right.
But over the years, I've grown used to confiding in Larry.
And Spiros, although he and I are rebuilding our friendship
- since, well, you know... - Yes.
Well, I'm mature, and financially secure
now I'm running the Colonel's hunts.
You don't need Larry or Spiros.
I'm your confidant now. Guiding your every move.
Your worries are at an end.
Sorry.
- Spiros, have you seen Margo anywhere? - No.
You worry too much. You should stop that.
Spiros, things don't seem to be getting back
- to how they were between us. - No, you're tense.
Well, yes, I am, because I, I...
You are alone in the house with lots of men. It's not healthy.
I will have as many men in the house as I need to pay the bills.
Lying around in hammocks in their underwear if they wish.
I'm just saying, make it clear you're not interested in them.
I'm not interested in them!
Drop in any time and see for yourself.
I may do that.
My husband is away a lot, and not reliable,
but we are trying to make a good marriage.
I'm going to love having a baby.
- Do you have a girlfriend? - No, I'm waiting for you.
That's not fair. For you or anyone.
Maybe, who knows.
She likes you.
But you can leave her and go home and sleep.
I'll babysit if you want a rest.
You would? My father says men do not look after babies.
Well, I'm the new kind of man. Who's sensitive to women,
whilst remaining manly in the extreme.
Leslie Durrell.
- Oh, Mr Likourgos. - What are you doing these days?
I have an exciting new venture, organising hunting trips.
Where is the best place to hunt wild boar?
The woods at Evropouli. I own the hunting licence.
- You can shoot wild boar there. - Oh, thank you.
For you, not expensive.
Fine. How much?
- Might I... - SCREAMS
Apologies.
Erm... Might I help?
Yes, you can wash up.
- There you are. - Oh!
My tailor, Mr Jakeways, would faint
if he saw me mixing textures like this.
I've never actually done this before.
Oh, it's great fun.
If you're very good, you can build a new lavatory pit.
Ha-ha.
Are you all right?
Do you think my family is falling apart, as the Colonel said?
No! I mean I know... one's left and one's missing
and the other two hate each other, but, er...
So, Louisa...
- Mm. - What are your...
Oh, look, I've made it clean.
- What are your favourite things? - Why do you ask?
No reason. Come on!
Erm... Dancing.
Er, bridge, seafood... ooh!
Dandie Dinmont dogs,
- my children being happy... - That's enough.
Shh.
My copepods!
Honestly, Theo, why are people so selfish and insensitive?
It's not deliberate. We are just different.
- You don't know what I'm talking about. - Oh, I see.
Our new guest, Colonel Ribbidane, has...
- Have you got guests? - No, no.
So this preposterous Colonel arrives with his war chest,
and he and Leslie are planning to slaughter wild boar.
Well, tell Leslie how strongly you feel.
He's so much more thoughtful these days.
What's this?
I'm.... experimenting with more colour in my wardrobe.
You've got a woman, haven't you?
Yes, I have. But don't tell anyone.
Honestly, Theo, it's about time, we were all wondering.
Who is it? Is she young?
Is she a scientist, but a sexy one?
It's Margo.
Yes, it's Margo. She's only staying here.
- Well, I know that. - But don't tell your mother.
Margo is desperate to discover more about herself.
I miss her, but she's not easy to live with, is she?
Colonel, I've secured the perfect private woodland
- for hunting wild boar. - Good man.
Sit.
Now, when I'm shooting with a man I like to know what makes him tick.
Answer?
Well, I, er, like to think I'm a decent sort.
I hold this place together... with my mother.
What's this I hear about you pining for some girl and a baby?
- Well, yes... - I've nothing against the dainty sex.
I've been married at least once and they did their best,
but if we're going hunting together, let's keep it...
red blooded.
Don't worry, when the time comes, I'll be cocked and ready to go.
A word, please.
Excuse me.
- Please don't go hunting. - Oh, don't be so sentimental.
Compared to how animals kill each other, shooting them is humane.
Cornering animals and executing them is not humane.
It's a wood, there are no corners.
Gerry, this is work. The Colonel's paying me.
All right, I'll save up
and I'll match what he's paying you. How much is it?
£25. For one week.
I'm going to put a wave in your hair like Jean Harlow.
Why?
We owe it to the world to be as beautiful as possible.
In case you're worried I'm just a silly girl,
I worked at Theo's x-ray unit for two years.
So I know what I'm doing.
The curling tongs need to be nice and warm to put a wave in your hair.
DOOR OPENS
Sorry I'm late.
Mr Stephanides is my salon assistant for the day.
One can't have enough strings to one's bow, can one?
WHISPERING
Is there a difficulty?
We were wondering whether your hair is so lovely
we should leave it as it is.
Oh!
Or treat this visit as an initial consultation
- and do some research and reconvene. - What a good idea.
Herete, Galini.
- Gerry, pos eisai? - Kala, efharisto.
- Something bad is happening. - Really?
And there comes a time when we need to stand up for what we believe in.
Yes.
What do we believe in?
There's a mad Colonel staying with us
and he's paying Leslie to take him to kill wild boar.
- That's terrible. - Exactly.
- So we're going to stop them. - Good.
Well, I am.
You probably better stay back and watch me take the bullet.
No, we die together.
Leslie!
Household items and provisions for your hunting expedition.
Ah, thank you, Spiros.
I hear you plan to hunt in the woods with Mr Likourgos.
Yes, it's good for wild boar.
- Well, in fact, it isn't. - What?
Mr Likourgos is pulling a fast one.
- Where does that saying come from? - Er, I don't know.
What do you mean?
There are no wild boars in that forest...
or anywhere for miles. And he doesn't own the licence,
- it's common land. - Argh!
- Mrs Durrells. - Mr Hakiaopulos.
Keen to check I'm not flirting with all my menfolk?
Of course not.
I saw your Basil in town, buying a big gift, probably for you.
Knowing Basil, it'll be for him.
- Anyone seen my swimming hat? - You need a hat to swim?
Oh! You're looking good enough to scoff.
He's never said anything like that before.
Uh-huh.
I loved our chat yesterday.
Thank you for opening up to me so deliciously.
Now you see why I wonder? Have they tried to seduce you?
No. And that's not fair,
Spiros, after all we've been through.
And it's me who should be jealous.
You're the one with a full bed to go home to.
What's wrong?
- Nothing. - Don't "nothing" me.
You confide in me, remember?
I'm the new Larry, but less pretentious. Come on.
Spiros is jealous and what's the point as we can't be together?
Well, that's why he's jealous.
Well, in my experience, throwing oneself into hard, vigorous work
- can help conquer heartache. - What do you think I've been doing?
I have the hands of an ancient farmer.
Good, you've taken that advice.
Now, what about winning Spiros over, hm?
Spiros is a faithful husband,
as is right and proper.
And rare and regrettable.
Would his wife perhaps step aside if you were to make a good enough case?
No, Leslie.
No to that, fair enough.
Well, if all three of you are unhappy
- why not agree on some compromise? - And how would that work?
Hm...
I'm glad you value compromise.
Please call off the hunt tomorrow, for Gerry's sake...
No! I'm going to bloody do this
and it's going to be a success.
So I said to my mother,
"you've never really taken me seriously, have you?"
That is hard for a mother to hear.
In fact, I've always enjoyed not being taken seriously,
but as you get older, it becomes a bit unseemly.
Now don't shout at me.
I look nice.
You do.
- So how long will this last? - The wave?
Not long. But next time I can put in a permanent one.
- How do you do that? - Chemicals and a lot of bravery.
If I get it wrong, all your hair falls out.
I trust you.
Come here.
- Sit! Sit! - PIG SQUEALS
Argh! Martin, come here.
Come on, you'll look good in this.
Here!
PIG SQUEALS
Oh, for God's sake.
- Ah, morning, can I have a word? - Just off to see Galini. - Stop!
Two things.
If you try to interfere in the shooting, you may die,
which would, on balance, be a waste.
And?
Do people know where Margo is and they're not telling me
out of some urge to protect her?
Well, I've protected her all her life
- and I am the best at it. - Yes, you are.
FOOTSTEPS
- Thank you. - Where are you off to?
Hunting.
Oh.
- Are you in a pickle of some sort? - Do you really want to know?
No, no.
So, we're after wild boar.
I'm new to the hunting game, unless you count Germans.
- Let's not. - And Turks.
I'll get on then.
Solid plan! Solid plan!
- Hello, Leslie. - Daphne. And Katina, how nice.
- I have a favour to ask. - Yeah, before you do...
Your father's cheated me.
I paid him to let us hunt wild boar
and it seems there aren't any and I didn't need to.
- Otherwise, brilliant. - I'm so sorry, I didn't know.
- You said you may be able to babysit. - I'd love to.
- Thank you, I have so many things to do. - Woah, woah, now?
I'm about to leave on a wild boar hunt.
- But you said there are no wild boar there. - Shh!
I have a plan to get round that,
by creating the illusion of a wild boar, see?
Perhaps nobody is honest.
Look, I'll help any other time, but this hunt is so important to me.
Larry's left so I'm the man of the house now
and for the first time I can, erm, really, erm...
All right, my mother can look after you until I get back.
Can't she, eh?
- Everything you need is in there. - OK.
- I will come back tomorrow. - Tomorrow?
Please. I need a break or I go mad.
BABY CRIES
Oh, hello.
- Theo, I'm sorry... - No, no, no, I am.
But the truth is, I'm so used to living on my own.
Oh, no, you've hated having me here.
No, you're a delight, you're my friend.
But for me, a disorderly house creates a disorderly mind.
But I'm fine now the furniture is symmetrical.
I know now what I need to do.
Please, tell your mother where you are.
Not yet.
I'm getting a taste for independence.
You'd have been proud of me, I waved Mrs Mavrokondas's hair
- without killing her. - I am proud of you.
Basil, I need your help with my hunting expedition.
Oh, I knew there was something - you mustn't go hunting,
- your mother asked me to stop it. - Tough, we're going. But...
..would you go ahead, hide in the foliage
and make a noise like a wild boar, please?
I fear that could end in tears.
No, no, it won't. It'll be a laugh!
Day out in the woods, up a tree.
- Why do you need wild boar noises? - Shh!
Because there are no wild boars, it turns out,
so the Colonel will demand his money back.
My sympathies. Still no.
If you help me, I'll show you how to impress Mother.
I've already taken steps to win her over.
Well, I can more or less guarantee success, because I'm her confidant.
What noise do wild boar make?
If I remember correctly, it's something like...
- IMITATES WILD BOAR SQUEAL - But louder.
IMITATES WILD BOAR SQUEAL
Wow, yeah. Oh, that's a nasty cough.
- It's a bit of a... a tickle. - Tickle.
Delivery for you. What are we waiting for?
- I just need my mother to come home before we leave. - Why?
- Welcome home! - Thank you, no need to welcome me.
I, er, have something to say.
Over the months I've been here, you may have observed my journey
from somewhat prissy guest to dogged admirer.
You're going quite fast, can I just gently slow you down
and ask you to shut your eyes.
Why? The last time I did that, Gerry put a lizard down my blouse.
Yes, I won't do that.
Though it sounds like massive fun. Erm, ready then?
So, here... er, stop.
Keep them shut. As a symbol of our connection,
is this gift which I now give you.
And, open.
Obviously, it lacks water, but I'll...
divert a stream when I have a moment.
- Basil, why have you...? - Say nothing.
Please excuse me, I'm needed in a wood.
Enjoy your gift.
- Whose is that? - Daphne's.
Oh, Leslie.
- Oh, a... a letter from Larry. - Oh, thank you, darling.
- Why has Basil bought us a bridge? - Yes, that did seem odd.
'Dear Mother.
'Enchante to hear that Margo's nesting with Theo.
- 'Is that a secret?' - Hah!
Erm, can you babysit Daphne's baby while I'm hunting?
Oh, no, darling, I have to go back to town.
- Oh, well... - This is much better.
You stay here and be Daddy, as you said you wanted to.
What the hell am I going to do with you?
- Lovely day for it. - I'm not talking to you!
Fine.
You'd have been court-martialled for that in a war.
- Highly unprofessional. - I've said I'm sorry.
RUSTLING NOISE
GUNFIRE
BABY SCREAMS AND CRIES
- Don't make me shoot the baby. - That's not funny.
- Please shush. - CRYING CONTINUES
- Shh. - Shh!
Let's just clog your ears up.
IMITATES WILD BOAR
Th... that's a wild boar.
How exciting, I told you I'd find you some.
Isn't it coming from up a tree?
Hardly, they can't climb trees. You're thinking of a squirrel.
GUNFIRE
This way.
Are you sure about this?
We could get shot and killed.
Are YOU sure about it?
KNOCK
Hello. How nice...
It's all right, Theo, I know.
I did try to persuade Margo to tell you.
Well, you should have asked me,
I have a range of techniques for calling Margo to heel.
Oh...
I was forgetting what you looked like.
After a week? What kind of mother are you?
I don't know.
BABY CRYING
Oh, God, this is horrible.
Let's hope this is the last of your stinking effluent.
IMITATES WILD BOAR
BASIL IMITATING WILD BOAR
LOUD GONG AND TAMBOURINE
- Shoo, scat. - Pavste! - REPEATED GONG
- Hunting is wrong! - Stop this cruelty!
Drop your guns and cuddle an animal today!
GUNSHOT
How dare you! My mother loves that gong!
Well, you're wasting your bloody breath
because there are no wild boar in these woods anyway!
Probably because they've all been gunned down.
They need protecting!
In fact, there are wild boar here, because we heard the bastards.
SHRIEKS
I will see you... in court.
Look, I was just trying to give you good value for money!
You think I'm a buffoon, do you?
- You must be. - No.
Killing isn't a sport, it's a sickness!
Gerry!
- 'Fire!' - BATTLEFIELD SOUNDS
'Fire your weapon!
'For God's sake, do something, man! Fire!
'Colonel! Colonel!
'Colonel!'
You could have killed my brother!
Margo, I love you and I miss you.
And I need you at home, as a... as a daughter
- and frankly as a woman. - You've got Lugaretzia.
Oh, she's off with her bad back or her bottom
or whatever it is this time.
Have I been so terrible?
No! But you're very... dominant.
No, I'm not!
You'd never come to me for advice,
because you only really listen to Larry.
- You only miss me now I'm gone. - Oh, Margo.
- Anyway, I've bothered Theo enough. - No, no, no, no.
- So I'm moving out. - Oh, thank you, darling...
- And I'm going to England. - No... Why?
I haven't been there for years.
I need to train properly in beauty,
I just need to do something brave.
Well, you'll soon discover there's no place like home.
But where is home? I love Corfu,
but you turned us into nomads when you brought us here.
Home is...
- ...where I am. - You see? That's you being dominant.
- How long will you be gone? - I don't know.
Theo, you can keep my lovely pictures.
I'm sorry it wasn't a huge success. If you want your money back...
You stopped me committing murder. I'm hardly going to expect a refund.
I know what it's like, haunting flashbacks to the battlefield.
- They're hard to shake off. - Where did you serve?
Yeovil College for trainee solicitors.
Not all of the lads made it.
Well, thank goodness you're all safe.
- Galini and I stopped the slaughter. - LESLIE: No, you didn't.
- He shot your gong. - It's still perfectly sound.
- Oh, really? Does THIS sound sound? - WARPED GONG SOUNDS
- You are so self-righteous. - Oh, am I?
- And what does that make you? - Why don't you tell me?
Shut up!
Are you going to ask me how am? In this house of men?
- As my family disintegrates? - What?
- Who's disintegrating? - How are you?
KNOCK
- Yes? - It's a man.
- Would you prefer to rendezvous on the landing? - No.
Sorry to penetrate your bolt-hole.
I'm worried I wasn't very clear, when I gave you the bridge.
Yes, what was that all about?
I asked you what you liked
and you said "a bridge".
No, I said I like, "er, bridge".
The card game. My husband and I used to play.
Oh, bugger.
Do you like bridges?
Well, I'm glad they exist, for crossing water.
Anyway...
the bridge is merely a metaphor, in wood,
- of my love for you. - Oh.
Your warmth and beauty illuminate every room you enter.
I came for a fortnight's holiday
and months later, I am still here, waiting and wanting.
So, how about it, you and me?
No, I have no romantic feelings for you.
We are related after all.
- It's very distant. - Not distant enough.
- I don't think you should sit on my bed. - Right, sorry.
And of course, there is Spiros.
Why eat boiled beef when there's hot souvlaki on the menu?
He's not on the menu.
Well, I'll leave tomorrow.
No, look, Basil, stay.
Stop having English clothes sent over,
relax, find someone nice here.
Who isn't me.
CAR HORN
- Ladies. - Thanks, Spiros!
- Pleasure. - You're a darling! - You're welcome.
- Mrs D! - Swim with us!
- SCREAM - Look at the sea!
Oh, it's so good to be back.
You want me to apologise for caring about you?
This isn't caring.
This is having your cake and eating it.
- What does that mean? - It means,
you have a wife you want to keep
and me here waiting for you, just in case.
I'm sorry...
That's not fair.
But we've tried to be normal together and we just can't do it.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Leslie's busy putting the baby down to sleep,
but I'm here if you want a deputy confidant.
Thank you.
LAUGHING AND SCREAMING
They're swimming naked, aren't they?
Er, I think I will stay on.
I'll just take the dancers their towels...
They'll dry... in the sun.
Go on, in you go.
Oh, Lugaretzia, what an absolute pleasure to see you.
You also.
And how is your bad back or bottom or wherever it is?
- Ah, less bad, thank you. - Good.
- There are naked ladies in the sea! - I know.
What can you do?
Yeah, we danced for our supper in Athens.
And we're joining Larry up the coast.
He's promised to give us a huge welcome.
Oh, I bet he has. Well, tell him we'll visit soon.
- DOOR OPENS - Theo told me you're missing
- female company. - Aw!
Thank you, Florence.
Yes, it's been like a working men's club here.
Come in and spread a little daintiness.
Oh, you seem to be doing all right.
Still, we're here now. I bring wine
and surgery gossip involving sexually transmitted diseases.
- Oh! - THEY LAUGH
I'll, er, I'll be making my farewells, Mrs Durrell.
Oh, I'm sorry, Colonel. Why?
Well, I feel I need a new challenge in my life,
one that doesn't involve firearms.
Well, you could stay and...
go for walks or read books.
Anyway, I'll leave my guns for Leslie.
He's a fine lad, despite his baby fetish.
- Ah, here's Daphne. - Aw, hi!
- COLONEL CLEARS HIS THROAT - Afti pali?
So many women. Where's Margo?
Margo is going to try England.
Oh, good for her!
Yes. Good for her.
So is that you done for children?
Ugh, yeah, they're a nightmare.
Listen, I know I haven't been a good confidant to you so far.
Well, I'll need you later to shore me up.
I can't see Spiros any more and Margo's going away.
No, I won't make sense later,
I'm off to get slaughtered with Basil and the Colonel. Bye!
At last. This is so lovely!
- Isn't it! - Yes, go on.
Do we need some men?
Might be nice.
- THEY LAUGH - ALL: Yamas!
- Hello, Aunty, Uncle. - What?
My daughter Maud's governess had to leave suddenly
and I was wondering if you could take over.
- Let's all go and visit Larry. - Ah!
Captain Creech!
- Pull up a bottom. - We're leaving.
I don't think you have met my wife.
How nice to finally meet you.