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[keys clacking]
2
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[typewriter bell dings]
3
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You won't leave your house.
4
00:00:13,286 --> 00:00:14,618
You're stoned before breakfast.
5
00:00:14,654 --> 00:00:15,619
And you look like...
6
00:00:15,655 --> 00:00:17,287
I look like what?
7
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You look like what
I imagine you'd look like
8
00:00:19,524 --> 00:00:20,757
if you'd never left Michigan.
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00:00:20,792 --> 00:00:21,991
[gasps]
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We had a vehement conversation
about Anthony Powner Smith.
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Who knows? He might surprise you.
12
00:00:26,598 --> 00:00:27,697
By tap-dancing.
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00:00:27,732 --> 00:00:29,565
[gasps] That is wildly offensive.
14
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You're wildly offensive.
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Hello, good people.
16
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Ah.
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Numbers through the roof!
18
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No shit?
19
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Get your ass down there.
20
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You got a show to shoot!
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We'll see.
22
00:00:40,811 --> 00:00:42,644
[Helen] He has demands?
23
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He masturbated in front of America.
24
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And America said,
25
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"Thank you."
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[keys clacking]
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[typewriter dings]
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[wind whooshing]
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♪ Quirky music ♪
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♪♪
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For Important Kodi Updates and the Chance to Win an
NVIDIA Shield TV - Visit www.tvaddons.co/december
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[gunshot]
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Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com
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♪ quirky music ♪
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So you'd be playing this guy
36
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who used to be a hit man for the mob.
37
00:01:46,793 --> 00:01:48,092
So typecasting?
38
00:01:48,127 --> 00:01:49,827
[laughs] Yeah.
39
00:01:49,862 --> 00:01:51,328
You just got out of prison,
40
00:01:51,363 --> 00:01:52,964
and you're trying to stay clean,
41
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but you got no money.
42
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Totally broke.
43
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Got it.
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So you're only option
45
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is to move in with your mother
46
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in her retirement community
47
00:02:01,673 --> 00:02:03,840
in Florida. [laughs]
48
00:02:03,875 --> 00:02:06,710
It's kind of Goodfellas meets Cocoon.
49
00:02:06,745 --> 00:02:07,777
- Funny.
- [both chuckle]
50
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[upbeat cell phone ringtone]
51
00:02:09,681 --> 00:02:10,847
Ugh.
52
00:02:10,882 --> 00:02:12,916
Sorry, I got to grab this. My ex-wife.
53
00:02:12,951 --> 00:02:14,593
Oh, no, go-go-go.
54
00:02:15,053 --> 00:02:15,884
Yo?
55
00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:17,319
So, uh,
56
00:02:17,354 --> 00:02:18,821
I saw your little show
57
00:02:18,856 --> 00:02:20,055
with the girl in the box.
58
00:02:20,091 --> 00:02:22,290
Yeah, that was a shit-storm.
59
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But hey, ratings are up 30%.
60
00:02:24,428 --> 00:02:25,393
30%.
61
00:02:25,429 --> 00:02:27,329
Aw, I'm happy for you.
62
00:02:27,364 --> 00:02:28,330
Eh, hey.
63
00:02:28,365 --> 00:02:30,599
Are you fuckin' crazy?
64
00:02:30,635 --> 00:02:31,667
One of the kids at school
65
00:02:31,702 --> 00:02:33,367
saw it and told Michael.
66
00:02:33,402 --> 00:02:34,736
So Michael watched it.
67
00:02:34,771 --> 00:02:35,803
Then Michael
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showed Aiden.
69
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:38,372
So now both your boys
70
00:02:38,407 --> 00:02:40,474
have seen you
with your dick in your hand,
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00:02:40,510 --> 00:02:42,977
jerking off to some girl in a glass box
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00:02:43,013 --> 00:02:44,478
with her cooch hanging out.
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30%.
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00:02:48,084 --> 00:02:49,550
I'm not fuckin' doing this with you.
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00:02:49,585 --> 00:02:51,384
The therapist says
you got to talk to them.
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00:02:51,419 --> 00:02:52,914
Ah... can't you do it?
77
00:02:52,949 --> 00:02:54,554
No. This is your mess.
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00:02:54,589 --> 00:02:55,749
You clean it up.
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00:02:55,784 --> 00:02:57,824
Which I'm sure you didn't do
after your little video.
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00:02:57,860 --> 00:02:59,059
Fine. Whatever.
81
00:02:59,094 --> 00:02:59,926
I gotta go.
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00:02:59,962 --> 00:03:00,827
Go.
83
00:03:01,930 --> 00:03:02,863
You all right?
84
00:03:02,898 --> 00:03:04,364
Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.
85
00:03:04,399 --> 00:03:06,086
Um, so you were saying...
86
00:03:08,670 --> 00:03:09,902
I have no idea what
you were saying, um...
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00:03:09,937 --> 00:03:11,303
one more time.
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♪♪
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[woman on TV] Julie and her fiance Dave
90
00:03:16,077 --> 00:03:17,710
Have been looking in the Chicago area...
91
00:03:17,745 --> 00:03:18,978
Come on. Get dressed.
92
00:03:19,013 --> 00:03:20,012
We're going on a hike.
93
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[snorts] No, I'm not.
94
00:03:21,415 --> 00:03:22,848
Yes, you are.
95
00:03:22,884 --> 00:03:24,949
This is ridiculous.
You've got to get out of here.
96
00:03:24,985 --> 00:03:26,350
I'm in the middle of something.
97
00:03:26,386 --> 00:03:27,585
What?
98
00:03:27,620 --> 00:03:29,054
This stupid woman and her husband
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00:03:29,089 --> 00:03:30,855
are looking for a house.
100
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[woman on TV] The first house
in Buffalo Grove...
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00:03:33,326 --> 00:03:35,560
How many hours have you
been at this today?
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00:03:35,595 --> 00:03:36,961
What time is it?
103
00:03:36,997 --> 00:03:37,862
9:30.
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00:03:37,898 --> 00:03:39,286
Oh.
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00:03:39,766 --> 00:03:41,065
The longer you stay here,
106
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the harder it's gonna be to leave.
107
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It's like quicksand.
108
00:03:43,669 --> 00:03:45,769
You sit here, hour after hour,
109
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watching these shows,
110
00:03:47,006 --> 00:03:47,905
getting high...
111
00:03:47,940 --> 00:03:49,439
I'm not getting high.
112
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Since when?
113
00:03:50,342 --> 00:03:51,508
Since I ran out of dope.
114
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Aww.
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You're like a white Billie Holiday.
116
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It's not funny.
117
00:03:57,049 --> 00:03:58,647
I can't afford any more.
118
00:03:58,683 --> 00:03:59,982
Well,
119
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I do have a thought about that.
120
00:04:01,519 --> 00:04:03,019
You're buying me dope?
121
00:04:03,054 --> 00:04:04,386
No.
122
00:04:06,457 --> 00:04:07,824
If you need money,
123
00:04:07,859 --> 00:04:10,526
and this is gonna sound
a little extreme,
124
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have you considered
125
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suing Helen and the network?
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[chuckles] I can't do that.
127
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No, hear me out.
128
00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:19,334
Your employer initiated
an affair with you,
129
00:04:19,369 --> 00:04:21,269
and then, when she broke up with you,
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she created a hostile work environment,
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forcing you to leave.
132
00:04:27,778 --> 00:04:28,710
And now,
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you can't get hired.
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00:04:30,714 --> 00:04:31,546
Oh.
135
00:04:31,581 --> 00:04:32,813
I don't know.
136
00:04:32,849 --> 00:04:34,815
I think you have a very strong case.
137
00:04:34,851 --> 00:04:37,517
It just doesn't feel right.
138
00:04:37,553 --> 00:04:40,020
I mean, a lawsuit?
139
00:04:40,056 --> 00:04:43,323
Also, it seems like so much work.
140
00:04:43,359 --> 00:04:45,659
Yes, it would cut into
your busy schedule
141
00:04:45,694 --> 00:04:47,896
as a real estate viewer.
142
00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:51,108
So...
143
00:04:51,466 --> 00:04:53,633
...you ever see her?
144
00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:54,763
Who? Helen?
145
00:04:54,799 --> 00:04:56,150
Mm, sometimes.
146
00:04:56,186 --> 00:04:57,104
In meetings.
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00:04:57,139 --> 00:04:58,571
She doesn't, um,
148
00:04:58,606 --> 00:05:00,991
ever ask about me, does she?
149
00:05:01,027 --> 00:05:02,942
Probably not. [laughs, snorts]
150
00:05:02,978 --> 00:05:05,544
I... I'm just curious.
151
00:05:05,580 --> 00:05:07,479
After everything she did to you?
152
00:05:07,514 --> 00:05:10,715
She literally stripped you naked,
153
00:05:10,751 --> 00:05:12,951
- on a hill.
- I know.
154
00:05:12,987 --> 00:05:14,619
That you're even thinking about her!
155
00:05:14,655 --> 00:05:15,487
I know.
156
00:05:15,522 --> 00:05:16,855
Please.
157
00:05:16,891 --> 00:05:17,990
Get out of this house.
158
00:05:18,025 --> 00:05:19,424
Get out of your head.
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00:05:19,459 --> 00:05:21,260
- I will.
- When?
160
00:05:21,295 --> 00:05:24,528
Right after Love It or List It
and Property Brothers.
161
00:05:24,563 --> 00:05:26,727
And Flip or Flop.
162
00:05:27,466 --> 00:05:30,902
♪♪
163
00:05:30,937 --> 00:05:33,337
So I'd be playing
this former hit man who
164
00:05:33,372 --> 00:05:35,673
has to move into his mother's
retirement community.
165
00:05:35,708 --> 00:05:39,677
It's like a cross between
Goodfellas and Cocoon.
166
00:05:39,712 --> 00:05:40,877
Prosecco.
167
00:05:40,913 --> 00:05:42,879
Oh, we didn't order any...
168
00:05:42,915 --> 00:05:44,380
Our compliments.
169
00:05:44,416 --> 00:05:45,615
Thanks.
170
00:05:45,650 --> 00:05:47,317
They like to bring me stuff here.
171
00:05:47,352 --> 00:05:48,451
Why?
172
00:05:48,767 --> 00:05:50,208
Why?
173
00:05:50,522 --> 00:05:52,488
So the bit is all these old people
174
00:05:52,524 --> 00:05:54,891
keep trying to hire me
to kill each other.
175
00:05:55,297 --> 00:05:56,844
And they're, like, worse than the mob.
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00:05:56,869 --> 00:05:58,201
Oh, that's funny.
177
00:05:58,226 --> 00:05:59,144
Is it?
178
00:05:59,179 --> 00:05:59,995
Mmm.
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00:06:00,031 --> 00:06:01,530
See, that's what I was afraid of.
180
00:06:01,565 --> 00:06:03,232
I... oh.
181
00:06:03,267 --> 00:06:05,400
Oh, thank you. And this is?
182
00:06:05,436 --> 00:06:07,402
Chef's house-made goose liver pâté.
183
00:06:07,438 --> 00:06:09,357
Wait until you try this.
184
00:06:09,392 --> 00:06:10,670
Thank him for us, please.
185
00:06:10,705 --> 00:06:11,673
Bon appétit.
186
00:06:11,709 --> 00:06:14,242
[chuckles]
187
00:06:14,555 --> 00:06:15,887
It helps if you
eat a lot of bread with it.
188
00:06:15,923 --> 00:06:16,822
What about you?
189
00:06:16,857 --> 00:06:18,190
No, I fucking hate pâté.
190
00:06:18,226 --> 00:06:19,291
I hate geese.
191
00:06:19,327 --> 00:06:21,026
Why didn't you say something?
192
00:06:21,061 --> 00:06:22,995
I made a big fuss
the first time they brought it.
193
00:06:23,030 --> 00:06:25,063
Now they bring it every time.
Just eat it.
194
00:06:25,099 --> 00:06:26,165
Why do I have to eat it?
195
00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,032
It'd be rude.
196
00:06:27,067 --> 00:06:27,899
So you eat it.
197
00:06:27,935 --> 00:06:29,431
[groans]
198
00:06:29,903 --> 00:06:31,669
Okay, look, forget about
the hit man in Florida.
199
00:06:31,704 --> 00:06:32,604
You're right. It sucks.
200
00:06:32,639 --> 00:06:34,548
- Here's another one.
- Another one?
201
00:06:34,584 --> 00:06:36,611
Did you ask me here just
to pick my brain about these?
202
00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:38,209
No, come on.
203
00:06:38,245 --> 00:06:39,966
I haven't seen you.
204
00:06:41,014 --> 00:06:42,980
- All right.
- [exhales]
205
00:06:43,016 --> 00:06:44,649
But since I got you here...
206
00:06:44,684 --> 00:06:46,028
You've got a list?
207
00:06:46,063 --> 00:06:47,885
- There's not that many.
- How many's not that many?
208
00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:49,392
Um...
209
00:06:50,189 --> 00:06:51,755
[mumbled counting]
210
00:06:51,790 --> 00:06:54,158
All right, just pitch me
your absolute favorite.
211
00:06:54,193 --> 00:06:55,792
What's the one
you're really excited about?
212
00:06:56,233 --> 00:06:57,994
Well, really excited? [groans]
213
00:06:58,030 --> 00:06:59,263
Okay, let's try this.
214
00:06:59,298 --> 00:07:00,930
Go through your list,
215
00:07:00,966 --> 00:07:03,900
eliminate every one
where you're recently divorced.
216
00:07:03,935 --> 00:07:04,801
Gotcha.
217
00:07:04,836 --> 00:07:06,669
Or a "former" something.
218
00:07:06,704 --> 00:07:08,237
Sure.
219
00:07:08,273 --> 00:07:11,707
Who "reluctantly"
agrees to do something.
220
00:07:11,742 --> 00:07:15,794
Especially if you're "forced
to move in with" someone.
221
00:07:16,247 --> 00:07:19,782
Oh, and nix anything
with the words "dysfunctional,"
222
00:07:19,817 --> 00:07:21,551
uh, "instant family,"
223
00:07:21,586 --> 00:07:23,685
or "comes to realize."
224
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:24,919
What's wrong with "comes to realize"?
225
00:07:24,954 --> 00:07:26,288
Because whatever it is,
226
00:07:26,323 --> 00:07:28,523
the network will insist
you "come to realize" it
227
00:07:28,559 --> 00:07:29,957
by the end of the pilot.
228
00:07:29,993 --> 00:07:31,193
- [soft exhale]
- So then you've got no show.
229
00:07:31,228 --> 00:07:33,478
Right, okay. Give me a second.
230
00:07:34,598 --> 00:07:36,198
At least try the fucking pâté.
231
00:07:45,641 --> 00:07:47,675
- Eh.
- [pen crosses]
232
00:07:47,710 --> 00:07:49,202
Well?
233
00:07:49,945 --> 00:07:52,145
I've never actually tasted baby shit,
234
00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:53,714
but I have to assume.
235
00:07:53,749 --> 00:07:55,182
Okay, done.
236
00:07:55,218 --> 00:07:56,583
So what have you got left?
237
00:07:56,618 --> 00:07:58,017
Fuck.
238
00:07:58,052 --> 00:07:59,985
I don't want to do
the one where I'm a ghost.
239
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:01,120
Probably wise.
240
00:08:01,155 --> 00:08:03,489
And I just realized, it's a ghost
241
00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:05,758
who has an instant family
and they're dysfunctional.
242
00:08:05,793 --> 00:08:07,527
Jesus.
243
00:08:07,562 --> 00:08:09,895
Look, you're in a unique position.
244
00:08:09,931 --> 00:08:11,598
You have a ton of fuck-you money
245
00:08:11,633 --> 00:08:12,699
and a good day job.
246
00:08:12,734 --> 00:08:15,500
You can afford to take a risk.
247
00:08:15,536 --> 00:08:17,769
You need to come back with
something no one's expecting.
248
00:08:17,804 --> 00:08:19,271
Do a drama.
249
00:08:19,306 --> 00:08:21,773
Do a really dark comedy.
250
00:08:21,808 --> 00:08:23,609
If you're gonna play a former hit man
251
00:08:23,644 --> 00:08:26,077
with a bunch of old people,
fucking shoot some of them.
252
00:08:26,113 --> 00:08:28,747
Do a show that'll make people go, "Shit,
253
00:08:28,782 --> 00:08:30,848
I didn't know he could do that."
254
00:08:31,395 --> 00:08:32,494
Yes.
255
00:08:34,053 --> 00:08:35,720
You guys got to do it.
256
00:08:35,755 --> 00:08:38,188
♪♪
257
00:08:38,224 --> 00:08:39,890
Can I start you with something to drink?
258
00:08:39,925 --> 00:08:40,991
Iced tea for me.
259
00:08:41,026 --> 00:08:42,437
Double scotch, neat.
260
00:08:42,462 --> 00:08:43,360
Very good.
261
00:08:43,395 --> 00:08:44,995
A double scotch.
262
00:08:45,030 --> 00:08:46,096
[sighs]
263
00:08:46,131 --> 00:08:47,497
It's my wife's medical stuff.
264
00:08:47,532 --> 00:08:48,895
How's she doing?
265
00:08:48,930 --> 00:08:51,801
Well, now they're saying she
needs a bone marrow transplant.
266
00:08:51,837 --> 00:08:52,902
Oh, my God.
267
00:08:52,938 --> 00:08:55,271
Turns out, I'm a match.
268
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:57,306
My luck.
269
00:08:57,755 --> 00:08:59,621
[whispers] Oh. Wow.
270
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,810
Apparently,
271
00:09:00,846 --> 00:09:02,378
it can be very painful.
272
00:09:02,413 --> 00:09:03,780
Oh, poor thing.
273
00:09:03,815 --> 00:09:05,946
I'm talking about me.
274
00:09:06,383 --> 00:09:07,916
Oh.
275
00:09:07,952 --> 00:09:11,019
This is not what you want
from a second marriage.
276
00:09:13,056 --> 00:09:14,205
Why can't you?
277
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:16,519
We're a little busy helping
to destroy our current show.
278
00:09:16,555 --> 00:09:18,426
And you're fucking miserable.
279
00:09:18,462 --> 00:09:20,669
- From the chef.
- Ah.
280
00:09:21,465 --> 00:09:24,231
Tuna tartare with
a light truffle sesame oil.
281
00:09:24,266 --> 00:09:25,700
Ooh.
282
00:09:25,735 --> 00:09:26,934
Mmm.
283
00:09:26,970 --> 00:09:28,769
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm.
284
00:09:28,805 --> 00:09:30,137
Gave me the squirts for a week.
285
00:09:30,172 --> 00:09:31,939
Why are we eating here?
286
00:09:31,975 --> 00:09:33,975
Come on. We got to do this.
287
00:09:34,010 --> 00:09:35,376
Yes, well, I'm not sure
the network will be
288
00:09:35,411 --> 00:09:36,711
very keen on us jumping ship.
289
00:09:36,746 --> 00:09:37,945
Don't worry about the network.
290
00:09:37,981 --> 00:09:39,779
They'll do anything to keep me happy.
291
00:09:39,815 --> 00:09:40,847
I can protect you.
292
00:09:40,883 --> 00:09:43,016
I'll be your 500-pound gorilla.
293
00:09:43,051 --> 00:09:44,250
That's what this smells like.
294
00:09:44,285 --> 00:09:46,085
Yeah, it's gross.
295
00:09:46,121 --> 00:09:47,153
Mmm!
296
00:09:48,757 --> 00:09:51,691
[cell phone rings]
297
00:09:54,666 --> 00:09:55,738
Hello?
298
00:09:55,773 --> 00:09:58,163
You are gonna be so proud of me.
299
00:09:58,198 --> 00:09:59,197
Am I?
300
00:09:59,233 --> 00:10:00,733
I'm out!
301
00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:01,867
No?
302
00:10:01,903 --> 00:10:03,084
[laughs] Uh-huh.
303
00:10:03,119 --> 00:10:05,771
It's like a scene from
Shawshank Redemption.
304
00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:06,906
You should see me.
305
00:10:06,941 --> 00:10:08,373
I'm on a street!
306
00:10:08,409 --> 00:10:09,508
Taking a walk!
307
00:10:09,544 --> 00:10:11,309
Good for you!
308
00:10:11,345 --> 00:10:13,244
I got a donut.
309
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:14,145
You did not?
310
00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:15,146
And?
311
00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:16,447
Donuts are expensive.
312
00:10:16,482 --> 00:10:17,882
I know.
313
00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:19,316
It's because they're so rare.
314
00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:20,184
Mmm.
315
00:10:20,219 --> 00:10:21,252
But it's good.
316
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:22,386
I'm glad I did it.
317
00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:23,955
You should be.
318
00:10:23,990 --> 00:10:25,189
It's a big step.
319
00:10:25,224 --> 00:10:27,324
I may get a juice.
320
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,893
Well, don't go crazy.
321
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:30,326
Okay.
322
00:10:30,362 --> 00:10:31,548
I'm gonna let you go.
323
00:10:31,583 --> 00:10:33,797
You don't have to. I'm just walking.
324
00:10:33,832 --> 00:10:35,465
It's a figure of speech
when someone wants to hang up,
325
00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:36,867
remember?
326
00:10:36,902 --> 00:10:38,969
You used to use it on me all the time.
327
00:10:39,004 --> 00:10:40,236
March on.
328
00:10:40,272 --> 00:10:41,905
I am very proud of you.
329
00:10:41,941 --> 00:10:43,173
Me too.
330
00:10:43,208 --> 00:10:44,808
Thanks for pushing me.
331
00:10:44,843 --> 00:10:46,176
I needed the push.
332
00:10:46,211 --> 00:10:47,409
Enjoy your donut.
333
00:10:47,445 --> 00:10:49,555
Oh, I am.
334
00:10:50,582 --> 00:10:53,549
♪ quirky music ♪
335
00:10:53,585 --> 00:10:58,520
♪♪
336
00:11:07,030 --> 00:11:09,998
♪ dramatic music ♪
337
00:11:10,033 --> 00:11:14,970
♪♪
338
00:11:19,142 --> 00:11:23,077
[muttering, crying]
339
00:11:23,112 --> 00:11:25,413
[woman on TV] Buying a house
in Woodbridge, Connecticut,
340
00:11:25,448 --> 00:11:28,200
hasn't been easy
for newlyweds Bill and Fern.
341
00:11:28,235 --> 00:11:29,193
[sighs]
342
00:11:29,228 --> 00:11:31,007
[woman on TV] They can't agree
on what they want.
343
00:11:31,966 --> 00:11:33,353
They're looking in the New Haven sub...
344
00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:34,321
[TV clicks off]
345
00:11:37,859 --> 00:11:39,158
[groans]
346
00:11:41,863 --> 00:11:42,862
[man on TV] Two balls and two strikes.
347
00:11:42,897 --> 00:11:44,196
[phone ringing]
348
00:11:44,232 --> 00:11:45,498
[man on TV] And with the two
strikes, continues to...
349
00:11:45,533 --> 00:11:46,365
[TV clicks off]
350
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:47,834
[sighs]
351
00:11:47,869 --> 00:11:49,192
Hello?
352
00:11:49,938 --> 00:11:50,903
Sean?
353
00:11:50,939 --> 00:11:52,371
Who?
354
00:11:52,406 --> 00:11:53,696
What?
355
00:11:54,308 --> 00:11:56,108
Carol?
356
00:11:56,143 --> 00:11:57,375
Oh, shit.
357
00:11:57,410 --> 00:11:59,444
[chuckles] "Oh, shit" to you.
358
00:11:59,479 --> 00:12:02,814
[laughs] I'm sor... I'm sorry.
359
00:12:02,850 --> 00:12:04,282
I just, uh,
360
00:12:04,317 --> 00:12:06,251
I-I was calling Beverly
361
00:12:06,286 --> 00:12:08,120
and I guess
362
00:12:08,155 --> 00:12:09,955
Lincoln is next to Lapidus.
363
00:12:09,990 --> 00:12:11,036
That's okay.
364
00:12:11,071 --> 00:12:14,191
I'll take a butt-dial from you any day.
365
00:12:14,226 --> 00:12:16,260
Well, not exactly a butt-dial,
366
00:12:16,295 --> 00:12:18,095
but, uh, so,
367
00:12:18,131 --> 00:12:19,639
um,
368
00:12:20,849 --> 00:12:22,232
sorry to bother you.
369
00:12:22,268 --> 00:12:23,834
Take care.
370
00:12:23,870 --> 00:12:25,069
Oh!
371
00:12:26,539 --> 00:12:28,772
[phone ringing]
372
00:12:28,807 --> 00:12:29,973
[groans]
373
00:12:30,008 --> 00:12:31,975
[phone ringing]
374
00:12:33,636 --> 00:12:34,469
Hello.
375
00:12:34,504 --> 00:12:35,670
Are you okay?
376
00:12:35,705 --> 00:12:37,405
Yeah. I'm great.
377
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:38,506
Really?
378
00:12:38,541 --> 00:12:40,441
Mm, mm-hmm, no, I'm...
379
00:12:40,477 --> 00:12:42,643
[inhales, exhales deeply]
380
00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:43,644
...I don't know.
381
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,247
You want to grab a bite?
382
00:12:45,282 --> 00:12:46,446
Let me buy you dinner.
383
00:12:46,482 --> 00:12:47,982
Oh, God.
384
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,716
[chuckles] No. No, no.
385
00:12:49,752 --> 00:12:51,085
Ah, come on.
386
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,152
No.
387
00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:55,175
Honest, uh-um...
388
00:12:56,592 --> 00:12:58,392
...if you saw me right now,
389
00:12:58,427 --> 00:13:00,427
you'd lose your appetite. [laughs]
390
00:13:00,462 --> 00:13:02,129
I'm...
391
00:13:02,164 --> 00:13:04,197
...kind of a mess. [laughs]
392
00:13:04,232 --> 00:13:05,431
Are you sure?
393
00:13:05,872 --> 00:13:06,905
Yeah.
394
00:13:07,008 --> 00:13:08,897
Yeah, I'm really...
395
00:13:09,637 --> 00:13:12,105
I'm better off by myself right now.
396
00:13:12,140 --> 00:13:13,339
Well,
397
00:13:13,375 --> 00:13:15,653
tell your butt I'm here if it needs me.
398
00:13:16,144 --> 00:13:17,977
Mm-kay.
399
00:13:18,448 --> 00:13:19,991
[sighs]
400
00:13:20,580 --> 00:13:22,180
[sad chuckle]
401
00:13:22,216 --> 00:13:25,350
So I understand from Mommy
402
00:13:25,386 --> 00:13:28,553
that you guys saw me
on the computer doing some
403
00:13:28,588 --> 00:13:30,877
pretty silly stuff.
404
00:13:31,292 --> 00:13:33,258
Now, I don't know why
we don't have some kind of
405
00:13:33,294 --> 00:13:34,592
parental control thing that would
406
00:13:34,628 --> 00:13:36,561
stop you from seeing stuff like that.
407
00:13:36,596 --> 00:13:37,628
Not the point.
408
00:13:37,663 --> 00:13:38,562
You want to do this?
409
00:13:38,597 --> 00:13:40,497
No, this is you.
410
00:13:40,533 --> 00:13:41,558
Do it. Just do it.
411
00:13:41,594 --> 00:13:42,900
I'm doing it.
412
00:13:45,038 --> 00:13:46,559
Anyway,
413
00:13:47,273 --> 00:13:49,706
you know how sometimes you guys do stuff
414
00:13:49,742 --> 00:13:52,509
you know you shouldn't do
but you do it anyway?
415
00:13:52,545 --> 00:13:53,983
Hm?
416
00:13:54,479 --> 00:13:57,013
Well, sometimes daddies do that too.
417
00:13:57,049 --> 00:13:59,983
I mean, it's a little different
'cause the stuff you do
418
00:14:00,018 --> 00:14:01,873
doesn't end up on Fox News,
419
00:14:01,908 --> 00:14:03,954
'cause apparently Greta Van Susteren
420
00:14:03,989 --> 00:14:06,556
doesn't have enough real stuff
to fucking talk about.
421
00:14:09,874 --> 00:14:11,360
But the point is,
422
00:14:11,876 --> 00:14:14,496
that doesn't make what Daddy did okay.
423
00:14:14,531 --> 00:14:16,923
And I feel bad.
424
00:14:17,468 --> 00:14:19,401
[Matt] I feel bad that it happened,
425
00:14:19,437 --> 00:14:22,104
and I feel bad you had to see it.
426
00:14:22,139 --> 00:14:24,539
I'm sure it was
very, very weird for you,
427
00:14:24,575 --> 00:14:26,075
seeing that naked lady
428
00:14:26,110 --> 00:14:28,643
and Daddy's penis.
429
00:14:29,245 --> 00:14:31,145
So we don't need
to talk about Daddy's penis
430
00:14:31,181 --> 00:14:32,313
'cause the point is...
431
00:14:39,956 --> 00:14:42,699
...The point is, I made a mistake.
432
00:14:43,159 --> 00:14:45,492
A big mistake.
433
00:14:45,527 --> 00:14:47,160
But the good thing
434
00:14:47,196 --> 00:14:49,363
is that every time you make a mistake,
435
00:14:49,398 --> 00:14:52,032
you learn something. Hmm?
436
00:14:52,101 --> 00:14:54,667
And what I learned,
and this is the one thing
437
00:14:54,703 --> 00:14:56,921
I want you to remember,
438
00:14:58,307 --> 00:15:00,073
whenever you're about to do something
439
00:15:00,109 --> 00:15:02,343
that you know is bad,
440
00:15:03,177 --> 00:15:07,413
always, always, always
441
00:15:07,890 --> 00:15:10,685
look for the camera.
442
00:15:12,186 --> 00:15:13,438
Hmm?
443
00:15:14,389 --> 00:15:15,221
So we're good?
444
00:15:15,256 --> 00:15:16,188
[mutters]
445
00:15:16,224 --> 00:15:17,289
[knife clangs]
446
00:15:17,325 --> 00:15:19,457
Okay. Good.
447
00:15:19,493 --> 00:15:21,126
♪♪
448
00:15:21,161 --> 00:15:23,261
[knock at door]
449
00:15:27,067 --> 00:15:28,033
Oh, no.
450
00:15:28,068 --> 00:15:29,234
- Oh, yeah.
- No.
451
00:15:29,269 --> 00:15:31,169
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- No, no, no.
452
00:15:31,204 --> 00:15:34,305
- You didn't have...
- I know.
453
00:15:34,341 --> 00:15:36,173
D'oh! Stop looking at me.
454
00:15:36,208 --> 00:15:37,887
Why, you look great.
455
00:15:37,922 --> 00:15:39,642
Bullshit. [Scoffs]
456
00:15:39,677 --> 00:15:41,211
Well, you look comfortable.
457
00:15:41,247 --> 00:15:42,513
[both scoff]
458
00:15:42,548 --> 00:15:44,648
You really shouldn't have...
459
00:15:44,683 --> 00:15:45,831
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
460
00:15:45,866 --> 00:15:48,052
So I...
461
00:15:48,087 --> 00:15:51,188
...got the roast chicken that you like.
462
00:15:51,223 --> 00:15:53,423
I got some of those green beans
463
00:15:53,458 --> 00:15:55,427
and that potato thing,
464
00:15:55,463 --> 00:15:56,856
with...
465
00:15:57,529 --> 00:15:58,694
...sauce on the side.
466
00:15:58,729 --> 00:15:59,728
Aw.
467
00:15:59,764 --> 00:16:01,431
I got no fucking kale.
468
00:16:01,466 --> 00:16:04,467
I got the mac and cheese.
469
00:16:04,502 --> 00:16:06,369
Oh, with the truffles?
470
00:16:06,404 --> 00:16:07,503
- [chuckles]
- [sniffs]
471
00:16:07,539 --> 00:16:08,371
[sighs]
472
00:16:08,406 --> 00:16:09,939
But first,
473
00:16:09,974 --> 00:16:13,007
a little amuse-bouche.
474
00:16:13,043 --> 00:16:14,707
Oh, my God.
475
00:16:15,212 --> 00:16:17,165
Did you bring papers?
476
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:18,947
Did I bring papers?
477
00:16:18,982 --> 00:16:21,083
[cries]
478
00:16:21,118 --> 00:16:22,417
Oh, Jesus.
479
00:16:22,453 --> 00:16:24,186
When you said you were a mess, I...
480
00:16:24,221 --> 00:16:25,920
I am a mess.
481
00:16:25,956 --> 00:16:28,255
Aww, honey.
482
00:16:28,291 --> 00:16:30,958
[sobbing]
483
00:16:32,528 --> 00:16:33,394
[sniffling]
484
00:16:33,429 --> 00:16:36,163
Are you smelling my hair?
485
00:16:36,199 --> 00:16:38,523
Don't smell my hair.
486
00:16:39,368 --> 00:16:41,068
I'm trying not to.
487
00:16:41,104 --> 00:16:43,270
- [sobs]
- Oh.
488
00:16:43,306 --> 00:16:46,306
♪♪
489
00:16:46,341 --> 00:16:49,175
So I get home last night
and kick off my shoes,
490
00:16:49,211 --> 00:16:51,978
and I start going into the kitchen.
491
00:16:52,013 --> 00:16:54,147
Then, I turn around... [laughs]
492
00:16:54,182 --> 00:16:55,681
...and there's Mr. Swizzleboots,
493
00:16:55,717 --> 00:16:58,118
and he's got his head inside my shoe.
494
00:16:58,153 --> 00:16:59,586
And all you can see is his little bum,
495
00:16:59,621 --> 00:17:01,953
- and his tail wagging like crazy.
- [writers awwing]
496
00:17:01,989 --> 00:17:03,422
Look-look-look-look-look-look-
look-look-look-look-look-look.
497
00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:04,809
[Tim on phone] Who's in that shoe?
498
00:17:04,844 --> 00:17:05,944
Aww.
499
00:17:05,979 --> 00:17:08,026
Who's in that shoe?
500
00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:10,596
Who's in that shoe? Who's in that shoe?
501
00:17:10,631 --> 00:17:13,117
- [cat meows on phone]
- Who's in that shoe?
502
00:17:13,152 --> 00:17:16,309
So apparently, there is
another level of hell.
503
00:17:16,345 --> 00:17:19,131
[chuckles] Never hated a cat more.
504
00:17:19,166 --> 00:17:21,258
Who's in that shoe?
505
00:17:21,294 --> 00:17:23,508
Oh, you guys.
506
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,875
Is this because I made the banana bread?
507
00:17:25,911 --> 00:17:29,247
Actually, it's for Sean and Beverly.
508
00:17:30,255 --> 00:17:31,421
Oh.
509
00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:33,384
From Matt?
510
00:17:33,419 --> 00:17:35,552
"Let me be your 500-pound gorilla."
511
00:17:35,587 --> 00:17:38,673
Uh, whenever you're done
playing with your plush toy,
512
00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:40,751
perhaps we could get back to work?
513
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:42,392
All right, where were we?
514
00:17:42,427 --> 00:17:44,422
Uh, I believe we were up to,
515
00:17:44,457 --> 00:17:46,296
"Who's in that shoe?"
516
00:17:49,431 --> 00:17:51,301
So good.
517
00:17:51,336 --> 00:17:52,401
[inhales sharply]
518
00:17:52,436 --> 00:17:54,098
Oh.
519
00:17:55,353 --> 00:17:56,684
I missed you.
520
00:17:56,719 --> 00:17:57,810
[stifled chuckle]
521
00:17:58,209 --> 00:17:59,175
Oh!
522
00:17:59,210 --> 00:18:00,576
And you.
523
00:18:00,611 --> 00:18:03,011
- [snickers]
- Hello, old friend.
524
00:18:03,047 --> 00:18:04,901
[exhales]
525
00:18:06,771 --> 00:18:08,469
How great is this?
526
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:09,889
Pretty fucking great.
527
00:18:09,924 --> 00:18:11,486
[laughs]
528
00:18:11,521 --> 00:18:13,159
Ahh.
529
00:18:14,577 --> 00:18:15,828
Mm.
530
00:18:16,662 --> 00:18:18,926
You've got a hit show.
531
00:18:19,290 --> 00:18:21,314
How the hell did that happen?
532
00:18:21,349 --> 00:18:22,467
I hate it.
533
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:23,560
You do not.
534
00:18:23,596 --> 00:18:24,632
I do.
535
00:18:24,668 --> 00:18:27,172
They treat LeBlanc
like he's a fucking king.
536
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,952
Like he invented ratings.
537
00:18:28,987 --> 00:18:31,104
- [giggles]
- Me, I'm a punch line.
538
00:18:31,469 --> 00:18:33,039
I mean, Jesus Christ,
539
00:18:33,373 --> 00:18:34,873
who brought them the show?
540
00:18:34,908 --> 00:18:37,808
You were there. It's such bullshit.
541
00:18:38,478 --> 00:18:39,811
[mock sobs]
542
00:18:39,846 --> 00:18:41,880
[laughs]
543
00:18:41,915 --> 00:18:42,941
Fuck you.
544
00:18:42,976 --> 00:18:44,648
No. Fuck you.
545
00:18:44,683 --> 00:18:46,517
I don't have a job.
546
00:18:46,552 --> 00:18:47,751
Mm.
547
00:18:47,786 --> 00:18:49,352
You should have a job.
548
00:18:49,388 --> 00:18:51,614
I should have a job.
549
00:18:52,324 --> 00:18:53,450
More?
550
00:18:53,486 --> 00:18:55,358
Ugh... yes.
551
00:18:55,394 --> 00:18:56,627
[laughs]
552
00:18:56,662 --> 00:18:58,428
At least you're making money.
553
00:18:58,463 --> 00:19:00,663
It all goes to Jamie and the other two.
554
00:19:00,698 --> 00:19:02,297
[inhales]
555
00:19:02,333 --> 00:19:04,734
And all those fucking kids.
556
00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,802
Said with love.
557
00:19:06,838 --> 00:19:07,923
Always.
558
00:19:07,958 --> 00:19:09,071
[laughs]
559
00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:10,372
How's your mother?
560
00:19:10,408 --> 00:19:11,340
[coughs]
561
00:19:11,375 --> 00:19:12,207
[laughs]
562
00:19:12,243 --> 00:19:12,875
Whoa.
563
00:19:12,911 --> 00:19:13,743
I was just wondering.
564
00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:15,545
She's meaner.
565
00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:17,246
Is that possible?
566
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:18,847
Oh, science wouldn't have thought so,
567
00:19:18,882 --> 00:19:20,882
but somehow she is.
568
00:19:20,918 --> 00:19:22,891
I think since my father died,
569
00:19:22,926 --> 00:19:24,218
she's doing the work of two.
570
00:19:24,254 --> 00:19:25,587
[both laugh]
571
00:19:29,492 --> 00:19:30,692
What?
572
00:19:30,727 --> 00:19:32,260
I miss that face.
573
00:19:32,295 --> 00:19:34,728
Ah, I said don't look at me.
574
00:19:34,764 --> 00:19:36,463
Hey, you're not the boss of me.
575
00:19:36,498 --> 00:19:38,766
And you are not the boss of me.
576
00:19:38,801 --> 00:19:41,501
- [chuckles]
- That's still weird.
577
00:19:44,292 --> 00:19:46,406
I really fucked this up.
578
00:19:46,442 --> 00:19:47,908
Mm-hmm.
579
00:19:48,087 --> 00:19:50,756
You were the best thing
that ever happened to me.
580
00:19:51,380 --> 00:19:52,645
Damn right.
581
00:19:55,383 --> 00:19:57,850
Stop looking.
582
00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:00,419
[laughs]
583
00:20:00,455 --> 00:20:02,789
♪♪
584
00:20:02,824 --> 00:20:05,858
[phone ringing]
585
00:20:05,894 --> 00:20:08,360
Uh, it's Eileen.
586
00:20:08,396 --> 00:20:09,764
Uh, we'll be right there.
587
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,897
Make it quick.
Don't want to miss the fun.
588
00:20:11,932 --> 00:20:15,000
If Voldemort were a camp counselor.
589
00:20:15,035 --> 00:20:16,501
Hmm.
590
00:20:17,605 --> 00:20:18,470
Morning.
591
00:20:18,505 --> 00:20:19,370
[Eileen] Hi, guys.
592
00:20:19,406 --> 00:20:20,472
How's it going?
593
00:20:20,507 --> 00:20:21,607
- Horrible.
- Tortuous.
594
00:20:21,642 --> 00:20:23,575
Okay, so I just got a call
595
00:20:23,611 --> 00:20:26,010
from Roger Riskin, Matt LeBlanc's agent.
596
00:20:26,045 --> 00:20:28,746
He's saying Matt asked you
to write his next show?
597
00:20:28,781 --> 00:20:30,547
- Yeah, Matt's been after us.
- Right.
598
00:20:30,583 --> 00:20:31,682
I didn't know what to say.
599
00:20:31,718 --> 00:20:33,584
Got to keep me in the loop.
600
00:20:33,620 --> 00:20:34,952
Well, there really is no loop.
601
00:20:34,988 --> 00:20:36,253
We've decided to stick it out here.
602
00:20:36,288 --> 00:20:37,622
God knows why.
603
00:20:37,657 --> 00:20:39,456
We've got so much invested.
604
00:20:39,492 --> 00:20:41,153
I think that's very smart.
605
00:20:41,188 --> 00:20:42,993
The buzz on Opposite is super hot,
606
00:20:43,028 --> 00:20:45,028
and now with Anthony Powner Smith...
607
00:20:45,063 --> 00:20:46,562
- Say what?
- I'm sorry, what?
608
00:20:46,598 --> 00:20:47,430
What?
609
00:20:47,465 --> 00:20:49,023
Anthony Powner Smith?
610
00:20:50,468 --> 00:20:51,300
Right?
611
00:20:51,336 --> 00:20:52,468
Is what?
612
00:20:52,504 --> 00:20:53,970
In Opposite.
613
00:20:54,006 --> 00:20:55,371
[both chuckle]
614
00:20:55,406 --> 00:20:57,208
- No, no, no.
- No, not likely.
615
00:20:57,541 --> 00:20:59,342
Okay.
616
00:20:59,377 --> 00:21:01,010
Unless he is.
617
00:21:01,045 --> 00:21:02,549
Eileen, where are you getting this?
618
00:21:02,584 --> 00:21:05,480
Look, I may be misinformed.
619
00:21:05,516 --> 00:21:08,751
Would it be from your other client, Tim?
620
00:21:09,253 --> 00:21:10,753
Maybe.
621
00:21:10,788 --> 00:21:13,255
So you're not misinformed?
622
00:21:13,290 --> 00:21:14,589
No.
623
00:21:14,625 --> 00:21:17,291
Well, at least you've kept us
in the loop.
624
00:21:17,326 --> 00:21:20,594
Uh, to that end, full disclosure,
625
00:21:20,630 --> 00:21:23,531
I may have signed him as well.
626
00:21:23,566 --> 00:21:24,465
Who?
627
00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:25,615
Anthony Powner Smith?
628
00:21:25,651 --> 00:21:26,901
I think so.
629
00:21:26,937 --> 00:21:28,569
What do you mean you think so?
630
00:21:28,604 --> 00:21:29,603
No, I did.
631
00:21:29,639 --> 00:21:32,306
And Tim cast him in our show,
632
00:21:32,341 --> 00:21:34,541
knowing full well how we feel?
633
00:21:34,576 --> 00:21:35,709
Is it a done deal?
634
00:21:35,744 --> 00:21:37,410
Uhh...
635
00:21:37,445 --> 00:21:39,479
I'm sure his agent
will be able to tell you.
636
00:21:39,514 --> 00:21:40,747
No, it's a done deal.
637
00:21:40,783 --> 00:21:42,415
Oh, brilliant.
638
00:21:42,450 --> 00:21:43,717
- Okay, here's what I...
- [line disconnects]
639
00:21:43,752 --> 00:21:45,385
[indistinct chatter]
640
00:21:45,420 --> 00:21:46,687
Ah, just in time.
641
00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:48,017
Get 'em while they're hot.
642
00:21:48,053 --> 00:21:49,422
What's this?
643
00:21:49,457 --> 00:21:51,023
It's Falafel Friday, didn't you know?
644
00:21:51,059 --> 00:21:55,047
No, but clearly there's
so much we don't know.
645
00:21:55,881 --> 00:21:57,897
Anthony Powner Smith.
646
00:21:58,124 --> 00:22:02,401
Anthony bloody-fucking Powner Smith.
647
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:03,969
All right, look,
648
00:22:04,005 --> 00:22:05,671
why don't we have this
conversation after the flan?
649
00:22:05,707 --> 00:22:07,439
Uh, don't think so
650
00:22:07,474 --> 00:22:10,392
because there's not gonna be
any "after the flan."
651
00:22:10,428 --> 00:22:11,928
We're done.
652
00:22:11,963 --> 00:22:14,445
[writers gasp and murmur]
653
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,748
Oh-okay.
Let-let's just take a step back.
654
00:22:16,783 --> 00:22:19,317
Only if you're at the edge of a cliff.
655
00:22:19,352 --> 00:22:20,819
[Sean] If I have to spend
one more minute
656
00:22:20,854 --> 00:22:22,420
looking at your... your-your...
657
00:22:22,455 --> 00:22:23,788
- Smug.
- ...smug...
658
00:22:23,824 --> 00:22:25,255
- Self-satisfied.
- ...self-satisfied...
659
00:22:25,290 --> 00:22:26,423
- Weasel-faced.
660
00:22:26,458 --> 00:22:27,725
- I've got it.
- Oh-okay, okay.
661
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,893
You are nothing but
a humor-deficient poser,
662
00:22:29,929 --> 00:22:31,995
filling in the huge gaps in your talent
663
00:22:32,031 --> 00:22:33,797
with arrogance and crepes.
664
00:22:33,833 --> 00:22:35,036
Okay, let-let's not...
665
00:22:35,072 --> 00:22:38,258
You are a terrible writer.
666
00:22:38,293 --> 00:22:41,606
Your every instinct is dead wrong.
667
00:22:41,641 --> 00:22:44,273
You're about as funny as... as...
668
00:22:44,308 --> 00:22:48,244
a tumor in a silly hat.
669
00:22:48,279 --> 00:22:50,412
I'm sorry, I don't normally
believe in public shaming,
670
00:22:50,448 --> 00:22:51,580
but what the hell?
671
00:22:51,616 --> 00:22:53,564
It's Falafel Friday!
672
00:22:54,984 --> 00:22:56,203
What are you doing?
673
00:22:56,239 --> 00:22:57,522
Oh, shit, shouldn't. I...
674
00:22:57,558 --> 00:22:58,983
I don't know what he's talking...
675
00:22:59,018 --> 00:23:00,488
Oh, great, right.
676
00:23:00,523 --> 00:23:01,857
Now he's doing that thing
where he pretends
677
00:23:01,892 --> 00:23:03,458
he's lost interest in the conversation.
678
00:23:03,493 --> 00:23:04,793
Well, it didn't work at university
679
00:23:04,828 --> 00:23:06,716
and it's not going to fly today.
680
00:23:06,751 --> 00:23:07,728
Hello!
681
00:23:07,764 --> 00:23:09,297
Oh, bollocks!
682
00:23:09,332 --> 00:23:10,431
You know, I've never enjoyed
your cooking more.
683
00:23:10,467 --> 00:23:11,800
- Hey!
- What?
684
00:23:11,835 --> 00:23:13,534
- [gasps]
- Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
685
00:23:13,570 --> 00:23:15,503
That's okay. They're really light.
686
00:23:15,538 --> 00:23:16,670
That's the egg whites.
687
00:23:16,705 --> 00:23:18,538
All right, so, there we are.
688
00:23:18,574 --> 00:23:21,951
To the rest of you, I am
so sorry we're abandoning you.
689
00:23:21,987 --> 00:23:24,245
Nobody deserves this walking nightmare,
690
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:26,172
except obviously Amanda.
691
00:23:26,207 --> 00:23:27,614
Giving up gluten
692
00:23:27,650 --> 00:23:30,157
is not like you've discovered
a new vaccine
693
00:23:30,193 --> 00:23:31,758
or a new planet.
694
00:23:31,793 --> 00:23:34,788
It's just fucking wheat.
695
00:23:35,187 --> 00:23:37,125
Calm down.
696
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:38,184
Getting off point.
697
00:23:38,220 --> 00:23:39,286
Right.
698
00:23:39,322 --> 00:23:42,046
You know, it breaks my heart
to walk out of here,
699
00:23:42,081 --> 00:23:45,932
because I know this could
have been a really great show.
700
00:23:46,367 --> 00:23:48,467
But I just can't bear
standing by and watching you
701
00:23:48,503 --> 00:23:51,872
ruin it bit by bit.
702
00:23:53,123 --> 00:23:55,573
By the way, Anthony Powner Smith?
703
00:23:56,043 --> 00:23:59,511
We've already built the fucking set.
704
00:23:59,546 --> 00:24:03,008
It's all stairs!
705
00:24:04,384 --> 00:24:05,317
Oh, right.
706
00:24:08,500 --> 00:24:09,466
Hang on.
707
00:24:14,861 --> 00:24:17,022
Good luck getting your Tupperware back.
708
00:24:17,964 --> 00:24:19,681
You don't even like falafel.
709
00:24:19,717 --> 00:24:21,268
I know, but these are really good.
710
00:24:21,303 --> 00:24:24,734
♪♪
711
00:24:25,135 --> 00:24:26,768
Have you seen my other sock?
712
00:24:26,801 --> 00:24:27,933
Which one?
713
00:24:27,968 --> 00:24:29,202
The right or the left?
714
00:24:29,237 --> 00:24:32,955
Well, very, very similar to this one.
715
00:24:33,374 --> 00:24:34,640
Have not seen it.
716
00:24:34,676 --> 00:24:36,275
[both chuckle]
717
00:24:36,311 --> 00:24:37,610
[clears throat]
718
00:24:39,214 --> 00:24:40,921
You want some?
719
00:24:41,682 --> 00:24:43,147
Ahh. [chuckles]
720
00:24:43,183 --> 00:24:44,949
[clears throat]
721
00:24:44,984 --> 00:24:47,151
So are you gonna be weird
722
00:24:47,187 --> 00:24:48,307
about last night?
723
00:24:48,343 --> 00:24:50,054
Oh, probably.
724
00:24:50,090 --> 00:24:51,301
[laughs]
725
00:24:51,336 --> 00:24:52,324
You're not?
726
00:24:52,359 --> 00:24:54,926
Nope. It was perfect.
727
00:24:54,961 --> 00:24:56,695
It was delicious.
728
00:24:56,730 --> 00:24:58,230
It was us.
729
00:24:59,198 --> 00:25:00,774
I know.
730
00:25:01,601 --> 00:25:02,558
But...
731
00:25:02,594 --> 00:25:03,701
No-no-no-no-no-no-no.
732
00:25:03,736 --> 00:25:05,769
Shh. Uh-uh, no buts.
733
00:25:05,804 --> 00:25:08,616
I can't do this again.
734
00:25:08,941 --> 00:25:12,209
There's just too much history.
735
00:25:12,245 --> 00:25:15,645
Ehh, like old history,
like ancient history,
736
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:17,780
like there's togas. [chuckles]
737
00:25:17,815 --> 00:25:20,127
We are in a different place now.
738
00:25:26,258 --> 00:25:27,801
Hello.
739
00:25:28,693 --> 00:25:30,727
[chuckles]
740
00:25:30,762 --> 00:25:31,927
I just think right now...
741
00:25:31,963 --> 00:25:33,962
Okay-okay, no-no-no-no. Got it. Got it.
742
00:25:33,997 --> 00:25:35,964
[chuckles] I hear you.
743
00:25:35,999 --> 00:25:37,866
Not pushing.
744
00:25:37,901 --> 00:25:39,647
Let me just say this.
745
00:25:40,638 --> 00:25:44,005
You know what I was gonna do last night?
746
00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:45,641
Eat a Lean Cuisine,
747
00:25:45,676 --> 00:25:48,009
and watch, like,
three reruns of Shark Tank,
748
00:25:48,044 --> 00:25:50,745
take an Ambien, and pass out.
749
00:25:50,780 --> 00:25:52,534
And then the phone rang...
750
00:25:53,015 --> 00:25:55,913
...like a fucking miracle.
751
00:25:56,319 --> 00:25:58,586
When I heard your voice,
752
00:25:58,621 --> 00:26:02,142
and you know I don't believe
in any of that fate crap,
753
00:26:02,177 --> 00:26:04,091
but come on.
754
00:26:04,126 --> 00:26:05,493
I'm just saying.
755
00:26:08,513 --> 00:26:10,597
[exhales]
756
00:26:10,632 --> 00:26:14,133
But we'll take it slow.
757
00:26:14,169 --> 00:26:15,975
Okay?
758
00:26:17,105 --> 00:26:18,805
I will take it
759
00:26:19,061 --> 00:26:21,908
any way you want
760
00:26:21,943 --> 00:26:23,176
to give it to me.
761
00:26:23,211 --> 00:26:24,643
[laughs]
762
00:26:24,679 --> 00:26:26,612
[both chuckle]
763
00:26:26,647 --> 00:26:28,013
[cheers and applause]
764
00:26:28,048 --> 00:26:29,315
[Matt] So let's get right to it
and see what
765
00:26:29,350 --> 00:26:31,149
our box-mates are up to.
766
00:26:31,185 --> 00:26:32,851
[suspenseful music playing]
767
00:26:32,886 --> 00:26:33,978
Hey, Rafe.
768
00:26:34,013 --> 00:26:35,253
Losing your mind?
769
00:26:35,577 --> 00:26:39,057
I'd rather lose my mime.
770
00:26:39,092 --> 00:26:40,591
[laughter]
771
00:26:40,627 --> 00:26:42,794
Well, at least it's quiet.
Right, Jessica?
772
00:26:42,829 --> 00:26:44,696
- Quiet would be nice.
- [discordant violin playing]
773
00:26:44,731 --> 00:26:46,331
[laughter]
774
00:26:46,366 --> 00:26:48,666
[Matt] So Rafe, any regrets
about spending all your points
775
00:26:48,702 --> 00:26:49,967
- ...to put Danika...
- Hey.
776
00:26:50,002 --> 00:26:51,703
- [Matt] ...in that sumo suit?
- Hey.
777
00:26:51,738 --> 00:26:53,705
I tried calling last night.
You didn't pick up.
778
00:26:53,740 --> 00:26:55,374
Something was messed up with my phone.
779
00:26:55,410 --> 00:26:56,974
- Oh.
- I was on with the IT guy
780
00:26:57,009 --> 00:26:58,608
- ...for an hour.
- Ugh.
781
00:26:58,644 --> 00:27:00,977
Three scariest words
in the English language:
782
00:27:01,012 --> 00:27:02,111
"Go to settings."
783
00:27:02,147 --> 00:27:04,113
Well, I missed you.
784
00:27:04,149 --> 00:27:07,250
[Matt] Marcel Marceau quiet
you'll want to kill yourself.
785
00:27:07,285 --> 00:27:11,087
Up next, there may be a llama
in Jonathan's future.
786
00:27:11,122 --> 00:27:12,989
[laughter]
787
00:27:13,024 --> 00:27:14,890
We'll find out right after this.
788
00:27:14,925 --> 00:27:17,860
- [cheers and applause]
- [lively music plays]
789
00:27:19,930 --> 00:27:21,296
And we're out!
790
00:27:21,332 --> 00:27:24,099
[man] Two minutes, everybody!
Two minutes!
791
00:27:24,134 --> 00:27:25,795
Hey, what are you doing here?
792
00:27:25,831 --> 00:27:27,670
Want to do a show?
793
00:27:27,705 --> 00:27:28,537
Seriously?
794
00:27:28,573 --> 00:27:29,572
Sign us up.
795
00:27:29,607 --> 00:27:31,508
Woo-hoo!
796
00:27:31,941 --> 00:27:34,970
[sighs] All right,
but this is the last time.
797
00:27:35,945 --> 00:27:37,545
Ahh!
798
00:27:37,581 --> 00:27:38,913
When can we start?
I got a really good idea.
799
00:27:38,948 --> 00:27:39,848
Really?
800
00:27:39,883 --> 00:27:41,082
Yeah, I'm this guy
801
00:27:41,117 --> 00:27:42,216
who gets killed in a car accident,
802
00:27:42,252 --> 00:27:44,786
and I come back as a dog.
803
00:27:44,821 --> 00:27:46,654
Huh? And my wife adopts me
804
00:27:46,690 --> 00:27:48,289
because she senses this connection.
805
00:27:48,324 --> 00:27:50,724
And I'm living with her
and her new husband.
806
00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:52,517
Okay, now, the audience
807
00:27:52,588 --> 00:27:53,885
sees me as me.
808
00:27:53,910 --> 00:27:56,296
But everyone on the show
sees me as a dog.
809
00:27:56,331 --> 00:27:58,298
And I have to, like... [laughs]
810
00:27:58,333 --> 00:28:00,233
...crap outside and,
811
00:28:00,269 --> 00:28:02,202
and other dogs are humping me.
812
00:28:02,237 --> 00:28:04,037
Huh?
813
00:28:04,072 --> 00:28:06,606
- Let-let's-let's, let's, uh...
- That could be fun.
814
00:28:06,641 --> 00:28:07,673
- ...think about it, maybe.
- It certainly...
815
00:28:07,709 --> 00:28:08,541
Matt, we're back.
816
00:28:08,576 --> 00:28:09,642
Okay.
817
00:28:09,677 --> 00:28:11,210
This is gonna be great.
818
00:28:11,245 --> 00:28:12,512
[smooches]
819
00:28:12,547 --> 00:28:14,280
No, no... no, ah.
820
00:28:14,635 --> 00:28:16,816
Dear God, what have we done?
821
00:28:21,289 --> 00:28:22,854
[llama grumbles]
822
00:28:24,190 --> 00:28:25,857
[keys clacking]
823
00:28:25,893 --> 00:28:28,860
♪ Quirky music ♪
824
00:28:28,896 --> 00:28:31,971
♪♪
825
00:28:31,996 --> 00:28:33,397
[typewriter bell dings]
826
00:28:33,422 --> 00:28:38,606
[keys clacking]
827
00:28:38,658 --> 00:28:43,444
(Dynamic instrumental music)
828
00:28:43,479 --> 00:28:45,405
- Hey! Hey!
- What's that one doing here?
829
00:28:45,432 --> 00:28:47,019
- I'm just picking up my man.
- Merc?
830
00:28:47,044 --> 00:28:50,535
- Yeah, in fact...
- (Gasps)... what's this?
831
00:28:50,963 --> 00:28:53,351
Poor Carol. I even feel bad for Morning.
832
00:28:53,376 --> 00:28:54,526
Are those new tits?
833
00:28:54,551 --> 00:28:55,950
I know. Hello.
834
00:28:56,053 --> 00:28:58,563
I'm trapped in a car with two
boobs talking about tits.
835
00:28:58,588 --> 00:29:01,500
Okay, do you have any sense of
the kind of show you want to do?
836
00:29:01,525 --> 00:29:03,554
Something smart, sophisticated.
837
00:29:03,583 --> 00:29:06,108
What if I'm a pimp? Oh, I got a title!
838
00:29:06,210 --> 00:29:09,306
Whores. That is sophisticated.
839
00:29:09,331 --> 00:29:11,698
(Playful instrumental music)
840
00:29:11,735 --> 00:29:19,446
Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com
840
00:29:20,305 --> 00:29:26,234
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