1 00:00:09,077 --> 00:00:12,480 - HANG IN THERE, HONEY. I THINK I HEAR DADDY COMING. 2 00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,448 I THINK I HEAR HIM COMING. 3 00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:15,716 - HEY. 4 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,588 WHAT, HAS HE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN? 5 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:32,166 HI, I'M RAY. 6 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:33,667 I LIVE HERE IN LONG ISLAND 7 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:41,775 WITH MY WIFE, DEBRA, 8 00:00:41,809 --> 00:00:43,377 MY FIVE-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, 9 00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:46,147 AND TWIN ALMOST-TWO-YEAR-OLD BOYS. 10 00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:48,249 MY PARENTS LIVE ACROSS THE STREET. 11 00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:57,258 THAT'S RIGHT. 12 00:00:57,291 --> 00:01:00,060 THE TRUTH IS, I'D DO ANYTHING FOR MY FAMILY. 13 00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:04,532 AND--DONE. 14 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,411 HEY. 15 00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:21,715 YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK IS REALLY SEXY? 16 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,317 - WHAT? 17 00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:25,553 - A MAN WHO DOES THE DISHES. 18 00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:32,293 - NO. DOES NOTHING FOR ME. 19 00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:35,529 YOU KNOW WHAT DOES IT FOR ME? 20 00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:37,898 A WOMAN WHO DOES THE DISHES-- 21 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,567 WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. 22 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,269 - WOW. 23 00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:42,903 - COME ON. 24 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,638 HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 25 00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:45,806 WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE? 26 00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:46,807 - MOMMY'S PEN. 27 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:47,841 - WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. 28 00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:49,643 THAT'S MY LAUNDRY MARKER. 29 00:01:49,677 --> 00:01:51,779 HONEY, HAVE YOU BEEN DRAWING ON THE WALLS AGAIN? 30 00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:53,447 - NO. I DREW ON GEOFFREY. 31 00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:54,448 - YOU-- 32 00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:56,284 - OH. 33 00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:58,252 WHAT? YOU DREW ON GEOFFREY? 34 00:01:58,286 --> 00:01:59,720 - HE ASKED ME TO. 35 00:01:59,753 --> 00:02:01,555 - OH, MY GOD. 36 00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:10,531 IT'S BAD NEWS FOR EUROPE, RAY. 37 00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:13,367 - JUST RELAX. ALL RIGHT? 38 00:02:13,401 --> 00:02:14,802 JUST RELAX. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT. 39 00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,170 IT'S COMING OFF. 40 00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,938 IT'S COMING OFF. 41 00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:20,308 IT'S NOT COMING OFF. 42 00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:23,577 - HERE. LET ME SEE IF I CAN DO THIS. 43 00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:24,612 [knock on door] 44 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,680 ALLY, COME ON. COME WITH ME. 45 00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:32,320 - YOU KNOW YOUR FRONT DOOR IS LOCKED? 46 00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:36,357 - YEAH, WE THOUGHT IT WOULD KEEP OUT THE BAD PEOPLE. 47 00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:38,759 - YOU THINK EVIL CARES ABOUT A LOCK? 48 00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,232 - RAY, I'VE GOT SOME NEWS. 49 00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:46,234 I DON'T KNOW THE BEST WAY TO BREAK THIS. 50 00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:47,701 YOUR GREAT-UNCLE GUS? 51 00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:49,169 DEAD. 52 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,275 - OH, NO. I LIKED HIM. 53 00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:55,843 - YEAH. ME TOO. 54 00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:57,511 HEY, NUTS. 55 00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:03,717 - DEB, UNCLE GUS DIED. 56 00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:05,553 - OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE. 57 00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:06,354 WHAT HAPPENED? 58 00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:09,623 - HE HAD A HEART ATTACK. HE WAS 94. 59 00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:12,426 - WE STILL HAVEN'T RULED OUT FOUL PLAY. 60 00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:15,463 - THAT'S REALLY A SHAME. 61 00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:17,598 GUS WAS A SWEET GUY, HUH? - YEAH. 62 00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:19,300 - REMEMBER HOW HE ALWAYS WANTED TO READ 63 00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:20,834 EVERYTHING YOU WROTE? - YEAH. 64 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:23,304 AND HE GAVE ME A GOLD PEN WHEN I GRADUATED. 65 00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:25,406 I ALWAYS FELT LIKE I WAS HIS GRANDSON. 66 00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:27,541 - HE WANTS YOU TO DELIVER HIS EULOGY. 67 00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:30,444 - WHAT? I HARDLY KNEW THE GUY! 68 00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:33,614 - IT WAS HIS DYING WISH. 69 00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:36,550 - EVEN DEAD PEOPLE LOVE RAYMOND. 70 00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:37,885 - LOOK, I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T. 71 00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:39,853 GET SOMEBODY ELSE TO DO IT. 72 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:42,623 - NO. OLD GUS WANTED YOU. 73 00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:44,024 IT WAS IN HIS WILL. 74 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,393 - I CAN'T DO IT. 75 00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:46,627 LOOK, I CAN'T TALK IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. 76 00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:48,296 EVEN TALKING TO YOU IS HARD ENOUGH. 77 00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:49,863 I--NO. 78 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:52,533 PLEASE, LET ROBERT DO IT. ROBERT COULD DO THE EULOGY. 79 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,335 - PEANUT, ALMOND, CASHEW. 80 00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:56,270 PEANUT, ALMOND-- 81 00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:58,606 CASHEW. 82 00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:01,709 - I THINK YOU'RE DOING THE EULOGY, RAY. 83 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:02,643 [knocking] 84 00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:07,014 - OH, THIS IS TERRIBLE. IT'S AWFUL. 85 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:10,050 I JUST FOUND OUT THAT MY SISTER IS COMING TO THE FUNERAL. 86 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,785 - AUNT ALDA'S COMING ALL THE WAY FROM CANADA? 87 00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:14,455 - UH-HUH! - WELL, THAT'S GREAT. 88 00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:16,390 IF YOU LIKE AUNT ALDA. 89 00:04:16,424 --> 00:04:17,558 WHO DOES? 90 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:20,728 - ALL RIGHT, HAVE YOUR FUN. 91 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,430 THAT WOMAN BROKE MY HEART. 92 00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:24,064 - NOT THIS AGAIN. 93 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:26,700 - SHE NEVER EVEN SENT RAYMOND A WEDDING PRESENT. 94 00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:27,801 - WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE SHE WAS UPSET 95 00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:30,471 BECAUSE YOU PUT HER AT A BAD TABLE AT THE RECEPTION. 96 00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:32,773 - HEY, AUNT ALDA DID KIND OF RUIN THE WEDDING. 97 00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,842 - IT WAS SEVEN YEARS AGO, 98 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,810 AND YOU'RE STILL NOT TALKING. 99 00:04:36,844 --> 00:04:39,780 I HATE THIS STORY. 100 00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:42,049 - WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, HUH? 101 00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:44,017 OUR COUSIN THERESA HAS CATARACTS, 102 00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,619 SO SHE'S GOT TO SIT UP FRONT. 103 00:04:45,653 --> 00:04:47,855 THEN SHE SHOWS UP WITH HER DAUGHTER STACY, 104 00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:49,890 THE 300-POUND NUTRITIONIST. 105 00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:52,460 THAT'S ANOTHER TWO SEATS. 106 00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:55,429 - CAN HITLER HAVE A JUICE BOX? 107 00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:57,431 - YEAH. I'LL GET IT. 108 00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:00,901 - OH. YOU UNDERSTAND, RAY. 109 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,437 I KNOW YOU DO. 110 00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:05,839 YOU'RE SENSITIVE AND ARTISTIC-- 111 00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:08,476 - AHEM. 112 00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:10,511 - OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SENSITIVE, DEAR. 113 00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:11,779 YOU'RE BIG. 114 00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:15,883 - LOOK, MA, I UNDERSTAND YOUR FIGHT, 115 00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:17,618 YOU AND ALDA, BUT LISTEN. 116 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,020 MA, GUS IS DEAD, AND I GOT TO GIVE THIS EULOGY, 117 00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:21,622 SO PLEASE, DON'T MAKE TROUBLE AT THE FUNERAL. 118 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:22,890 - I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE TROUBLE FOR YOU 119 00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:24,925 OR ANYBODY ELSE. 120 00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:26,059 - GOOD. 121 00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:28,362 - BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO BE THERE. 122 00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:35,035 - PEANUT, ALMOND, CASHEW. 123 00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:36,637 PEANUT, ALMOND, CASHEW. 124 00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,406 PEANUT, ALMOND-- 125 00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:44,845 OH, THIS ISN'T GOOD. 126 00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:52,453 - "GUS." 127 00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:54,021 GUS-- 128 00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:57,825 GUS, GUS, GUS. 129 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,494 GUS. 130 00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:01,895 - HI. HOW'S THE EULOGY COMING? 131 00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:03,464 - OH, I WISH I WERE GUS. 132 00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:04,932 - OH. 133 00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:06,700 - I CAN'T DO IT. YOU SHOULD DO THIS. 134 00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:08,502 NO. YOU WERE IN P.R. 135 00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,738 YOU'RE GOOD AT BULL-- P.R. 136 00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:13,674 - GET UP. GET UP. 137 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,743 I'LL--LOOK, IT'S NOT THAT HARD. 138 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:16,677 YOU JUST HAVE TO, YOU KNOW, 139 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,846 KNOW HOW TO PUT THE RIGHT SPIN ON THINGS. 140 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,482 JUST TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT GUS. 141 00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:22,616 - WHAT'S TO TELL? 142 00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:23,884 FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS, 143 00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:25,653 HE SAT IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION 144 00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,888 WITH A BOWL OF BAKED BEANS. 145 00:06:29,156 --> 00:06:31,124 - HE WAS A GREAT PATRON OF THE ARTS. 146 00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:32,826 ALL RIGHT. 147 00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:33,994 AND A GOURMET. 148 00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:36,697 TELL ME SOMETHING ELSE. 149 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,131 - UH, HE COULD BELCH THE ALPHABET 150 00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:41,201 TO THE LETTER "M." 151 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:43,571 - A MAN OF LETTERS. 152 00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:46,440 - HEY, YOU'RE VERY TALENTED. 153 00:06:46,474 --> 00:06:47,941 - THANK YOU. - YEAH. COME HERE. 154 00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:49,409 - OOH. 155 00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:02,490 - DAD? 156 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:03,824 - IT'S YOUR MOTHER. 157 00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:07,060 SHE WON'T STOP CRYING ABOUT THIS ALDA BUSINESS. 158 00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,997 - SO WHY ARE YOU HERE? 159 00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,032 - WELL, SOMEBODY'S GOT TO TALK TO HER. 160 00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:13,967 - WELL, YOU'RE HER HUSBAND. 161 00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:15,769 WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? 162 00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:18,005 - SHE SAYS I DON'T UNDERSTAND HER. 163 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,007 - WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GO TALK TO HER? 164 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:23,176 - 'CAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND HER. 165 00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:24,712 RAY, YOU GO. 166 00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:25,713 - NO, DAD, NO. 167 00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:29,182 I GOT WORK TO DO HERE. BIG EULOGY COMING UP. 168 00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:31,752 - WHAT, YOU DON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOUR MOTHER SUFFERS, 169 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,487 OR IF I STARVE? 170 00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:35,188 - OH, YOU'RE STARVING? 171 00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:37,024 - HEY, YOU KNOW YOUR MOTHER. 172 00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:39,126 WHEN SHE GETS UPSET, SHE DOESN'T COOK. 173 00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:41,695 WHEN SHE DOESN'T COOK, I DON'T EAT. 174 00:07:41,729 --> 00:07:43,230 YOU DO THE MATH. 175 00:07:49,102 --> 00:07:49,837 [knock on door] 176 00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:53,874 - OH, HELLO, RAY. - HI. 177 00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:55,576 - YOUR FATHER SEND YOU? 178 00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,811 - NO, NO. I WANTED TO COME. 179 00:07:57,845 --> 00:07:59,112 I WON THE BET TO COME. 180 00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:01,048 - HUH. 181 00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,750 HE HATES IT WHEN I CRY. 182 00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:06,053 IT REMINDS HIM OF OUR WEDDING NIGHT. 183 00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:07,855 - HEY, IS THIS GUS? - YEAH. 184 00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:09,623 - HEY, HE'S GOOD-LOOKING. - UH-HUH. 185 00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:12,526 - GUYS CAN SAY THAT NOW. 186 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,928 - I LOVED HIM. OH. 187 00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:17,998 OH, HERE WE ARE AT CONEY ISLAND. 188 00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:21,535 - HEY, MA, MAYBE YOU SHOULD COME TO THE FUNERAL, 189 00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:23,136 YOU KNOW, JUST TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO GUS. 190 00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:25,272 - BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH ALDA? UH-UH. 191 00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:26,740 NOT EVEN IF IT WAS YOUR OWN FATHER 192 00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:28,776 ROTTING IN THAT CASKET. 193 00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:29,777 FRUIT? 194 00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,314 - HEY, MA, WHAT'S WITH THESE PICTURES, MA? 195 00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:36,049 WHERE ARE ALDA'S HEADS? 196 00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:38,051 - IN HERE, WHERE THEY BELONG. 197 00:08:38,085 --> 00:08:39,119 - STOP, MA. 198 00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:41,989 WHAT, YOU GOING TO USE HER HEADS TO COAT CHICKEN? 199 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,824 - DO YOU KNOW WHAT ALDA USED TO DO TO ME? 200 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,959 HUH? SHE'D READ MY DIARY. 201 00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:48,328 SHE'D PUT MY DOLLS IN ODD POSES. 202 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:49,730 SHE'D WEAR MY CLOTHES. 203 00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:51,198 SHE'D STEAL MY BOYFRIENDS. 204 00:08:51,231 --> 00:08:55,636 - YEAH? WHAT KIND OF POSES? 205 00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:57,070 - YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO GROW UP WITH SOMEONE 206 00:08:57,104 --> 00:08:59,673 WHO'S BOSSY, DEMANDING, AND UNREASONABLE? 207 00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:02,175 - OH, NO. 208 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:03,276 - WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? 209 00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:05,579 - THAT'S A JOKE, MA. 210 00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:06,814 I'M MAKING A JOKE. 211 00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:09,883 - YEAH. HA, HA. VERY FUNNY STUFF, YEAH. 212 00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:11,018 YOU THINK THIS IS ALL A JOKE, HUH? 213 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,353 - NO. 214 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,255 - I THOUGHT YOU UNDERSTOOD. 215 00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:16,924 - WELL, MA, I'M TRYING. 216 00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,191 LOOK, YOU'RE SISTERS. 217 00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,627 FAMILY SHOULD TALK. 218 00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:21,128 - LIKE YOU AND ROBERT? 219 00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:22,830 - WE TALK. 220 00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:26,166 A LOT OF THAT JUST GOES UNSPOKEN. 221 00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:28,268 - YOU THINK I SHOULD FORGIVE ALDA, IS THAT IT? 222 00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:31,138 - WELL, IT WOULD MAKE THINGS A LOT EASIER ON YOU-- 223 00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:33,373 AND OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE EULOGIES TO GIVE. 224 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,943 I'M JUST SAYING. 225 00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:38,145 - SURE, MAKE THINGS EASY FOR EVERYBODY ELSE. 226 00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:40,280 DOES ANYBODY ASK ME HOW I FEEL? HUH? 227 00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:41,949 I'M JUST A BURDEN. 228 00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,051 - NO, MA, YOU'RE NOT JUST A BURDEN. 229 00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:48,321 - I GOT AN IDEA. 230 00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:49,657 HOW ABOUT I SIT IN THE DUMPSTER 231 00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:51,291 BEHIND MR. BALDUCCI'S BAKE SHOP? 232 00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,793 THAT WAY I CAN SHOO THE CROWS AWAY 233 00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:54,127 FROM THE OLD CANNOLI. - CANNOLI. 234 00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:55,863 AT LEAST, THAT WAY, THEN I'D SERVE 235 00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:57,197 A PURPOSE. - A PURPOSE. 236 00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:02,269 MA, YOU GOT LOTS OF PURPOSES. 237 00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:03,771 I KNOW; WHY DON'T YOU COOK DAD A STEAK? 238 00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,272 THERE'S A PURPOSE. 239 00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:08,909 MA--OH, MOM, PLEASE. 240 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,077 I'M KIDDING, MA. 241 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,846 MA, I'M JUST KIDDING! 242 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:13,847 AW-- 243 00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:15,248 [whimpers] 244 00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:24,424 - A NICE GAME-SAVING TACKLE THERE. 245 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,760 - I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS-- IT LOOKS TO ME-- YEAH, THEY ARE. 246 00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:29,763 THEY'RE LINING UP-- - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 247 00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:31,765 - I'M-- I'M GETTING THE SCORES. 248 00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:33,266 - IS THAT HOW I RAISED YOU? 249 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,802 HUH? 250 00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:37,137 PEOPLE CRY, AND YOU TURN ON TELEVISION? 251 00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:39,807 - MA, I'M WAITING FOR YOU TO COME BACK. 252 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,742 - YOU COULDN'T COME AFTER ME, SEE HOW I WAS? 253 00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:44,044 - I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO BE ALONE. 254 00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:45,412 - WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT, RAY? 255 00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:48,248 I RAN OUT OF HERE CRYING. 256 00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:50,383 - THAT'S THE PART THAT THREW ME. 257 00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:56,056 LOOK, MA, AUNT ALDA'S NOT THAT BAD. 258 00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:59,059 COME ON, THERE'S TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY, RIGHT? 259 00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,064 - GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. 260 00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,332 - OH, STOP IT. YOU DON'T MEAN THAT. 261 00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:06,800 - GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, RAYMOND. 262 00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,068 - OH, DON'T BE MAD AT ME NOW, MA. 263 00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:09,703 I GOT EULOGY PROBLEMS. 264 00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:11,972 MA, IF YOU DON'T FORGET ABOUT THIS ALDA STUFF-- 265 00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:16,276 NOBODY AT THIS FUNERAL'S GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME! 266 00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:27,420 - OH, LOOK AT ALL THE PEOPLE. 267 00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:29,322 THERE'S TOO MANY PEOPLE. 268 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,124 - ARE YOU STILL NERVOUS ABOUT THE EULOGY? 269 00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:32,893 LISTEN, DO YOU WANT TO PRACTICE ON ME? 270 00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:35,162 - NO, NO, YOU SHOULD BE SURPRISED 271 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,930 LIKE THE REST OF US. 272 00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:38,999 - YOU DIDN'T FINISH IT? - HOW COULD I? 273 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,468 I GOT ALL THIS TROUBLE WITH MY MOM. 274 00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,937 SHE THREW ME OUT OF THE HOUSE. SHE'S NOT TALKING TO ME. 275 00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:46,439 I KNOW, IT SOUNDS LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE. 276 00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:53,380 - OHH-- LOOK AT GEOFFREY. 277 00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:55,849 OH, MAN. 278 00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:58,151 THINK ANYBODY WILL NOTICE? 279 00:11:58,185 --> 00:12:00,087 - AAAAAHH! 280 00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:06,726 - BRIDE'S SIDE OR GROOM'S SIDE? 281 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,404 I'M LIGHTENING THE MOOD. 282 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:21,975 - LISTEN-- 283 00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:24,812 JUST TRY NOT TO MAKE THAT NOISE YOU MAKE. 284 00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:25,745 - WHAT NOISE? 285 00:12:25,779 --> 00:12:28,048 - THAT NOISE THAT YOU MAKE AT FUNERALS. 286 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,918 - OH, YEAH, I GOT THAT UNDER CONTROL. THANKS. 287 00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:34,321 - OH, LOOK, YOUR MOM'S HERE. 288 00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:35,555 - OH, GOD. SHE SHOWED UP. 289 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:38,792 - OH, LOOK AT MY SWEETIES. HI! 290 00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:40,093 - LISTEN, MA, 291 00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:42,762 I'M GLAD YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND, AND I'M SORRY. 292 00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:47,367 - GREAT JOB TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER. 293 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,137 GOD FORBID YOU SHOULD GIVE A CRAP. 294 00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:55,542 - OOH, I GUESS MARIE'S STILL NOT COOKING. 295 00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:58,011 I'LL GIVE HIM A JAR OF STRAINED PEAS. 296 00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:02,315 - IS THAT MY RAYMOND? 297 00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:04,084 - OH, HI, AUNT ALDA. 298 00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,552 - HO, HO, HO! 299 00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:12,059 OHH, OHH-- 300 00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:15,428 IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE MY FAVORITE NEPHEW AGAIN. 301 00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:16,563 IT'S BEEN TOO LONG. 302 00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:18,365 - OHH, IT'S BEEN WAY TOO LONG. 303 00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:19,566 GOT TO GO. 304 00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:23,270 - SHAME, SHAME, SHAME. 305 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,205 - WELL, HELLO, MARIE. 306 00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:26,373 - LOOK, ISN'T THIS NICE, YOU TWO? 307 00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:27,975 YOU'RE BACK TOGETHER. 308 00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:29,242 - YOU CAN KISS MY SON, 309 00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:31,478 BUT YOU CAN'T SEND HIM A WEDDING PRESENT? 310 00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:33,847 YOUR LIPS SHOULD DRY INTO RAISINS. 311 00:13:33,881 --> 00:13:36,149 WHOOPS! TOO LATE. 312 00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:39,152 - AW, HEY, BE NICE. 313 00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:41,855 - THE PRESENT WILL BE HERE IN A COUPLE OF YEARS. 314 00:13:41,889 --> 00:13:43,523 I MAILED IT FROM WHERE I SAT. 315 00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:45,492 - THE ONLY REASON YOU'RE ANGRY ABOUT THAT TABLE 316 00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:47,861 IS BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. 317 00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:49,863 - HEY, LOTS OF ATTENTION HERE. 318 00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:52,432 - HOW COULD I BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION 319 00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:54,301 WHILE YOU'RE DOING THE LIMBO 320 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:57,104 IN A SEQUIN DRESS AND A PUSH-UP BRA? 321 00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:59,006 - OH, HEY. 322 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:00,073 - MAYBE IF YOU HAD SOMETHING TO PUSH UP, 323 00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:03,443 YOU WOULDN'T BE SITTING THERE WITH A SOUR PUSS. 324 00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:06,446 - HOW COULD YOU SEE MY SOUR PUSS WHERE I WAS SITTING? 325 00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:08,381 YOU'D NEED BINOCULARS. 326 00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:10,050 - AW, PLEASE, NOW STOP IT! 327 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:12,385 STOP IT! WE'RE AT A FUNERAL. 328 00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:14,154 - RAY-- 329 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:15,388 WE'RE READY FOR YOU NOW. 330 00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:17,257 - OH, GOD. LISTEN, MA, JUST STOP IT. 331 00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,226 PUT IT ON HOLD, ALL RIGHT? 332 00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:22,029 THIS FUNERAL'S NOT ABOUT YOU TWO FIGHTING. 333 00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:24,998 IT'S ABOUT ME GIVING THIS DAMN EULOGY. 334 00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:26,133 SIT HERE. 335 00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,170 - I LIKE HIS HAIR. 336 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:31,604 - HIS HAIR LOOKS TERRIBLE. 337 00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:35,142 - HI. 338 00:14:35,175 --> 00:14:38,378 I'M RAY. 339 00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:42,415 UH, I'M HERE TO TALK ABOUT GUS PETRONE. 340 00:14:42,449 --> 00:14:44,251 - [braying] 341 00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:58,431 - THANK YOU. 342 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,269 UH, DID A LITTLE-- 343 00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:05,305 DID A LITTLE RESEARCH FIRST. 344 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:06,439 LOTS OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW 345 00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:11,478 GUS WAS ACTUALLY BORN GUSTAFAVIO--PI-- 346 00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:13,613 PICA-- 347 00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:16,016 PI--CCCHHH-- 348 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,553 PICHIALU. 349 00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:29,229 HE WAS BORN JANUARY 23, 1902. 350 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,498 THAT WOULD MAKE HIM, WHAT? 351 00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:34,434 AQUARIUS. 352 00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:35,702 HI. 353 00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:39,106 OKAY. 354 00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:41,608 UH, HE WAS 10 POUNDS, 6 OUNCES. 355 00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:43,476 WOW. 356 00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:45,512 NOW, THAT'S BIG. 357 00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:47,114 LADIES, AM I RIGHT? 358 00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:55,522 WELL--LATER, 359 00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:59,392 GUS BOUGHT CARPET WORLD OVER IN MANHASSET. 360 00:15:59,426 --> 00:16:00,393 I REMEMBER-- 361 00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:04,431 I REMEMBER IT WAS OPEN 10:00 TO 6:00 SUNDAYS. 362 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:05,698 YEAH. 363 00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:08,668 HE WAS GREAT. 364 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:16,443 IN 1992, GUS WAS FORCED TO RETIRE 365 00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:20,180 AFTER A BAD BREAK WITH HIS PROSTATE. 366 00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:22,049 [sighing] 367 00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,283 AW, THIS IS INCRED-- 368 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:24,284 I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. 369 00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:27,254 THIS IS CRAZY. 370 00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:29,056 LISTEN. 371 00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:32,125 YOU KNOW WHAT I REMEMBER ABOUT GUS? 372 00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:35,028 HOW MUCH HE CARED ABOUT FAMILY. 373 00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:37,197 YEAH, YEAH. 374 00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:37,797 YEAH, HE DIDN'T LET THE LITTLE THINGS 375 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:38,931 BECOME BIG THINGS, 376 00:16:38,965 --> 00:16:43,570 'CAUSE HE KNEW WHAT WAS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE: FAMILY. 377 00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,072 PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU, 378 00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:48,141 NO MATTER HOW STUPID YOU'RE ACTING. 379 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:53,546 YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE ONE DAY WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE GUS HERE. 380 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:54,414 HUH? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? 381 00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:55,482 YOU WANT TO GET LOWERED INTO THE GROUND 382 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,285 WITH ALL THE GRUDGES AND THE PETTY LITTLE THINGS 383 00:16:58,318 --> 00:17:00,787 THAT DON'T MATTER AT ALL? 384 00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,158 GUS DIDN'T LET THAT HAPPEN TO HIM. 385 00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:10,097 THAT'S WHY WE'RE ALL HERE TODAY. 386 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:17,337 THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL. 387 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:23,310 [applause] 388 00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:27,780 SORRY ABOUT THE YELLING. 389 00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:32,619 - RAYMOND, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL: 390 00:17:32,652 --> 00:17:34,154 SIMPLE AND TOUCHING. 391 00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:36,089 - IT WAS MORE THAN BEAUTIFUL. 392 00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:38,791 IT WAS-- EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL. 393 00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:41,261 - WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, MARIE? 394 00:17:41,294 --> 00:17:44,531 I CAN'T EVEN SAY A WORD WITHOUT YOU TOPPING ME. 395 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,833 - I CAN'T HELP IT. YOU'RE EASILY TOPPED. 396 00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,370 - YOU'RE A BITTER WOMAN, MARIE. 397 00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,705 YOU'RE A BITTER, BLEACHED-BLONDE WOMAN. 398 00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:55,342 - OHH! 399 00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:58,445 YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS OF HUMAN HAIR. 400 00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:02,315 AT LEAST I DON'T SIT AROUND COMPLAINING 401 00:18:02,349 --> 00:18:05,185 ABOUT WHERE I SAT AT A WEDDING SEVEN YEARS AGO. 402 00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:07,487 - I WAS SO FAR AWAY! 403 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:10,457 I AM STILL WAITING FOR MY CAKE. 404 00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:14,327 - THAT LOUSY CAKE WAS STALE. - YEAH. 405 00:18:14,361 --> 00:18:15,128 [crowd mumbling] 406 00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:17,430 - STALE? YOU TOOK TWO PIECES HOME. 407 00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:19,866 - BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T INVITE MY KIDS. 408 00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:25,772 - WHO ELSE GOT COLD VEAL? all: YEAH. 409 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:28,275 - AND THE PORTIONS WERE SO SMALL. 410 00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:29,742 - FRANK! all: YEAH. 411 00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,212 - COOK ME SOMETHING, WILL YOU? 412 00:18:32,245 --> 00:18:33,746 - AND THE BAND STANK, MARIE. 413 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,282 - OKAY, YEAH. 414 00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:36,849 AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE CHEAP CENTERPIECES? 415 00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:39,386 AND THE CHAMPAGNE WAS FLAT. 416 00:18:39,419 --> 00:18:42,489 - ALL RIGHT! STOP IT! ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! 417 00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:43,856 STOP! 418 00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:46,159 - [braying] 419 00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:02,342 - ALL RIGHT, YOU AND YOU. 420 00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:05,412 LET'S GO. NOW! NOW! 421 00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:08,815 - WELL, WHAT IS IT, RAY? 422 00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:11,251 - WHAT IS IT? OH, WHAT IS IT? 423 00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:13,220 COME HERE AND SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN. 424 00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:16,589 BOTH OF YOU, COME HERE AND SIT DOWN. 425 00:19:16,623 --> 00:19:18,291 DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID IN THERE? 426 00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:19,459 - YOU MEAN THE EULOGY? 427 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,594 - YES! 428 00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:25,198 - YOU KNOW HOW I MENTIONED IT WAS EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL? 429 00:19:25,232 --> 00:19:28,435 THAT WASN'T ENTIRELY TRUE. 430 00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:30,970 - MA, YOU WANT TO BE IN THAT BOX, DEAD, 431 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,772 WITHOUT EVER MAKING UP WITH AUNT ALDA? 432 00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:35,342 - HOW COME I'M IN THE BOX AND NOT HER? 433 00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:36,876 - ANSWER! 434 00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,811 - OHH--I DON'T KNOW. 435 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,647 - AUNT ALDA? 436 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:45,652 - THANK YOU FOR NOT PUTTING ME IN THE BOX, DEAR. 437 00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,954 - COME ON, SO YOU NEVER WANT TO MAKE UP WITH MOM? 438 00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:51,624 - WELL, I GUESS-- 439 00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:53,726 OH, I DON'T KNOW. 440 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,495 - BEAUTIFUL, TWO "I DON'T KNOWS;" THAT'S PROGRESS. 441 00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:58,231 SO YOU LIKE--YOU LIKE BEING THIS WAY? 442 00:20:01,268 --> 00:20:04,904 - I--ALWAYS THOUGHT THERE WAS TIME. 443 00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:06,806 - HOW MUCH TIME IS THERE? 444 00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:10,643 THIS IS THE TIME, NOW. 445 00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:12,412 NOW IS THE TIME. 446 00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:15,848 DO IT. 447 00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:37,604 - I'M SORRY, MARIE. 448 00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:39,839 - IT WAS MY FAULT. 449 00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:49,949 - SEVEN YEARS. 450 00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:52,319 - ALL THAT TIME WASTED. 451 00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:54,454 SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. 452 00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:56,389 - OH, MY GOD. THEY MADE UP? 453 00:20:56,423 --> 00:20:57,390 - YEAH. 454 00:20:57,424 --> 00:20:58,891 - YOU DID THIS? 455 00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:02,429 - I CAN--DO THINGS. 456 00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:04,531 - I HAD MENOPAUSE. 457 00:21:04,564 --> 00:21:06,533 - ME TOO. 458 00:21:06,566 --> 00:21:10,437 - FIRST A BEAUTIFUL SPEECH, NOW THIS-- 459 00:21:10,470 --> 00:21:13,973 RAY, I AM COMPLETELY TURNED ON. 460 00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:16,643 - OH, SURE, AT A FUNERAL. 461 00:21:18,545 --> 00:21:20,046 - HI. 462 00:21:20,079 --> 00:21:22,615 - OH, HOW ARE YOU DOING, DEAR? 463 00:21:22,649 --> 00:21:26,619 - WELL, I'M GOOD IF YOU GUYS ARE GOOD. 464 00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:28,821 - OH, THANKS TO RAYMOND, I'VE GOT MY SISTER BACK. 465 00:21:28,855 --> 00:21:30,857 WHAT'S NOT GOOD? 466 00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:34,026 - WELL, GUS IS DEAD. 467 00:21:34,060 --> 00:21:36,996 - THERE IS THAT. 468 00:21:37,029 --> 00:21:40,433 - WELL, AS LONG AS EVERYBODY IS MAKING UP, 469 00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:41,901 I FORGIVE YOU TOO, AUNT ALDA. 470 00:21:41,934 --> 00:21:44,971 - FOR WHAT, DEAR? 471 00:21:45,004 --> 00:21:46,873 - YOU KNOW, THE WEDDING. 472 00:21:46,906 --> 00:21:48,508 - WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DEAR? 473 00:21:48,541 --> 00:21:50,643 - OH, DEBRA, DEBRA-- 474 00:21:50,677 --> 00:21:52,779 - WELL, ALL THOSE COMPLAINTS ABOUT WHERE YOU WERE SEATED 475 00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:55,715 AND NOBODY DANCING, EVERYBODY GOING HOME EARLY. 476 00:21:55,748 --> 00:22:00,553 - OH, THAT WAS BECAUSE OF THE CHEAP FOOD. 477 00:22:00,587 --> 00:22:03,122 - YOU NEVER EVEN SENT A GIFT. 478 00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:06,526 - MY GIFT WAS THAT I CAME AT ALL. 479 00:22:06,559 --> 00:22:09,095 - WHAT KIND OF A HORSE'S ASS GIFT IS THAT? 480 00:22:11,531 --> 00:22:13,833 - YOU'D BE LUCKY TO HAVE A HORSE'S ASS! 481 00:22:13,866 --> 00:22:15,635 - OHH! 482 00:22:15,668 --> 00:22:16,503 - THEY'RE GOING TO BLOW. LET'S GO. 483 00:22:16,536 --> 00:22:18,104 - OH, RAYMOND, SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING? 484 00:22:18,137 --> 00:22:19,572 NO, YOU SEE, YOU'VE BEEN DOING THAT-- 485 00:22:19,606 --> 00:22:22,074 SEVEN YEARS? IT'LL BE 70 YEARS! 486 00:22:25,912 --> 00:22:27,847 - SOME FUNERAL, HUH? 487 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:28,881 - YEAH. 488 00:22:29,949 --> 00:22:31,984 - SAD. - HMM. 489 00:22:32,018 --> 00:22:33,453 - YOU WANT TO DO IT? 490 00:22:33,486 --> 00:22:34,353 - TSK. 491 00:22:40,593 --> 00:22:42,462 I MIGHT.