1 00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:06,107 - COME ON IN. 2 00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:17,251 THIS IS GREAT, YOU KNOW. YOU REALLY GOT TO MEET DEBRA. 3 00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:18,052 - I COULD'VE SIGNED THE BOOK FOR YOU 4 00:00:18,086 --> 00:00:19,187 AT THE STORE, YOU KNOW. 5 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:20,721 - YEAH, BUT SHE'S A BIG BASKETBALL FAN. 6 00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:22,656 COME ON, THIS WILL BE FUN, COME ON. 7 00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:27,261 - JEEZ, MAYBE I SHOULD JUST LEAVE 8 00:00:27,295 --> 00:00:28,462 A SIGNED BASKETBALL OR SOMETHING. 9 00:00:28,496 --> 00:00:29,497 - NO, NO, NO. THIS WILL BE GREAT. 10 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,432 WATCH THIS. 11 00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,101 DEB, DEB-- 12 00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:35,136 - OH, HI. - HI. 13 00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:38,472 WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE BASKETBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME? 14 00:00:38,506 --> 00:00:40,774 - MICHAEL JORDAN. 15 00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:43,811 - NO, NO, NO, NO. 16 00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:45,846 RETIRED, RETIRED BASKETBALL PLAYER? 17 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,048 - OH, LARRY BIRD. 18 00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,787 - HE PLAYED FOR THE LAKERS. 19 00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:55,823 - WILT CHAMBERLAIN. 20 00:00:59,127 --> 00:01:00,661 - YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T MY HOUSE. 21 00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:03,631 THAT'S WHAT IT IS. 22 00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:05,333 - I WANT MY BOOK BACK. 23 00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:08,169 - KAREEM, COME ON, I'LL MAKE YOU SOMETHING TO EAT. 24 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:10,704 HI, I'M RAY. 25 00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:12,440 I LIVE HERE IN LONG ISLAND 26 00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:14,808 WITH MY WIFE, DEBRA-- 27 00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:22,150 MY FIVE-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER-- 28 00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:24,752 AND TWIN ALMOST-TWO-YEAR-OLD BOYS. 29 00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:29,157 MY PARENTS LIVE ACROSS THE STREET. 30 00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:30,758 THAT'S RIGHT. 31 00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:33,427 THE TRUTH IS, I'D DO ANYTHING FOR MY FAMILY. 32 00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:38,266 AND--DONE. 33 00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:52,446 - DID YOU HEAR HOWIE SIMON'S SON 34 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:55,283 SOLD ONE OF THOSE FUNNY LITTLE ANECDOTES TO "READER'S DIGEST"? 35 00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:57,685 - YEAH, OKAY, GOOD. GOOD FOR HIM. 36 00:01:57,718 --> 00:02:01,189 - THAT'S $50. 37 00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:03,591 - YEAH? 38 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:06,694 - SO WHY CAN'T YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 39 00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:08,262 - DAD, I'M A WRITER, DAD. 40 00:02:08,296 --> 00:02:10,664 THE NEWSPAPER PAYS ME TO WRITE FULL-TIME. 41 00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:12,366 - LOOK, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE SPORTS COLUMN; 42 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,434 THAT'S GREAT. 43 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:16,170 I'M TALKING ON THE SIDE. 44 00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:19,873 - FUNNY ANECDOTES ON THE SIDE? 45 00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:22,610 - YEAH, THAT'S FREE MONEY FOR YOU. 46 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:23,611 - OKAY. 47 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,679 - HERE. LAMB CHOPS. 48 00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:27,948 - AW, MOM, I GOT DINNER! SHE'S COOKING-- 49 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,617 ALL RIGHT, ONE. 50 00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:32,586 LOOK, DAD, THANKS FOR THE ADVICE, 51 00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:35,456 BUT I'M NOT WRITING ANYTHING FOR "READER'S DIGEST." 52 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:36,324 - WHAT'S WITH YOU? 53 00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:38,226 YOU CAN AFFORD TO TURN DOWN EXTRA CASH? 54 00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:40,861 I'M TALKING ON THE SIDE. 55 00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:41,829 - MA, WHERE'S THE-- 56 00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:44,232 - OH, THE MINT JELLY. YEAH, YEAH. HOLD ON. 57 00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:46,567 HERE, RIGHT HERE. 58 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,637 - WE'RE TALKING THE "DIGEST" HERE, RAY. 59 00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:50,738 YOU KNOW THE KIND OF TALENT 60 00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:53,207 IT TAKES TO TAKE A NOVEL LIKE THIS-- 61 00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:55,843 AND PUT IT ON A PAGE AND A HALF? 62 00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:56,977 THAT'S WRITING. 63 00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,979 - ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH ALREADY, DAD. 64 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,714 LOOK, IF YOU LIKE THE MAGAZINE SO MUCH, 65 00:03:00,748 --> 00:03:02,550 WHY DON'T YOU GO WRITE SOMETHING FOR IT YOURSELF? 66 00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:03,884 - WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 67 00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,554 - YEAH, HE'S RIGHT. 68 00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:08,756 WHY DON'T YOU GET OFF YOUR REAR END AND DO IT YOURSELF? 69 00:03:08,789 --> 00:03:10,491 I THINK IT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA. 70 00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:11,592 - YOU DO? - UH-HUH. 71 00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:13,461 - I TELL YOU WHAT; 72 00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:14,295 YOU GO WRITE SOMETHING FOR THE "READER'S DIGEST." 73 00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:16,264 I'M GOING TO GO HOME AND FAKE HUNGER. 74 00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:19,567 - OH. 75 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:20,734 - GIVE ME THAT CHOP. 76 00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:28,276 - THE "READER'S DIGEST." 77 00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:31,612 THEY DO HAVE SOME FUNNY STUFF IN THERE. HEH, HEH, HEH. 78 00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,981 [laughs] 79 00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:37,818 [howls with laughter] 80 00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:44,358 [show on TV] IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, 81 00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:45,959 CLAP YOUR HANDS. [clapping] 82 00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:48,462 - HEY. - HEY. 83 00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:51,532 - HEY, OH, BOY, WHAT ARE WE WATCHING? 84 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:54,268 - OH, "WE SING IN SILLYVILLE." 85 00:03:54,302 --> 00:03:55,569 HEY, GUESS WHAT? 86 00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:57,771 IT'S ON MORNINGS AND EVENINGS NOW. 87 00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:58,939 TWICE THE SILLY. 88 00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:00,808 - YAY! - OH, YEAH. 89 00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:02,743 - [singing] THERE GOES JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT. 90 00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:05,579 DA-DA-DA-DA-DA! 91 00:04:05,613 --> 00:04:09,450 - OKAY. WE HAVE TO CANCEL CABLE. 92 00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:10,751 - YEAH. 93 00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:12,953 OKAY, GO UP AND GET YOUR JAMMIES ON. 94 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,658 UH, RAY? 95 00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:18,726 - YEAH? 96 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,594 - ROBERT'S STILL HERE. 97 00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:22,863 - OH, HEY, ROBERT, WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE? 98 00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:25,799 - I HAD A SUSPICION I NEED TO CONFIRM. 99 00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:27,735 - ROBERT, WHAT'S WRONG? 100 00:04:29,703 --> 00:04:31,805 - I DON'T THINK MICHAEL LIKES ME ANYMORE. 101 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,808 - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 102 00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:36,477 - HE'S NOT LIKE GEOFFREY. 103 00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:40,080 HE SEEMS STANDOFFISH. 104 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:43,417 - YOU KNOW MICHAEL'S A BABY, RIGHT? 105 00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:44,918 - IT'S JUST A FEELING. 106 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,954 COP'S INSTINCT. 107 00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:49,289 HE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. 108 00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:52,626 - ATTENTION, EVERYBODY. 109 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:55,563 GUESS WHO IS NOW A PUBLISHED WRITER. 110 00:04:55,596 --> 00:04:57,565 - WHO? - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 111 00:04:57,598 --> 00:05:00,000 - TODAY THE MAILMAN BROUGHT ME FAME AND FORTUNE. 112 00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,469 THE "READER'S DIGEST." 113 00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:05,072 OVER 27 MILLION COPIES SOLD IN 19 LANGUAGES. 114 00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:07,775 AND ALL AROUND THE WORLD, EACH AND EVERY READER 115 00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:10,344 WILL NOW OPEN TO PAGE 64, 116 00:05:10,378 --> 00:05:13,581 THE "HUMOR IN UNIFORM" SECTION. 117 00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:15,783 WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? 118 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,420 - LET'S SEE HERE. 119 00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:23,791 - AH, OH, MY. - HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? 120 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:24,792 DID YOU KNOW, MA? 121 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:25,793 DID YOU KNOW HE WAS DOING THIS? 122 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,060 - PLEASE. 123 00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:28,762 YOU THINK HE COULD GET THIS DONE BY HIMSELF? 124 00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:31,064 THE MAN CAN'T WIPE HIS OWN CHIN. 125 00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:32,866 - MARIE WAS MY LITTLE TYPIST. 126 00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:36,537 - DON'T CALL ME YOUR LITTLE TYPIST. 127 00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,972 - SO, UH, WHY DON'T YOU READ IT OUT LOUD, RAY? 128 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:41,475 - NO, NO, WE DON'T-- THAT'S NOT NECESSARY, DAD. 129 00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:42,943 WE'LL READ IT. - NO, NO, COME ON. 130 00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:45,345 YOU HAVE SUCH A NICE SPEAKING VOICE. 131 00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:51,652 - "THROUGHOUT OUR FIRST WEEK OF BASIC TRAINING"-- 132 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:55,623 - LOUDER AND FUNNIER. 133 00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,625 - "OUR DRILL SERGEANT"-- - STAND UP. STAND UP. 134 00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:58,959 - AW, COME ON. 135 00:05:58,992 --> 00:05:59,960 - UP, UP, UP, UP. 136 00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,495 THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO. 137 00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:03,531 - "OUR DRILL SERGEANT STRESSED TO US 138 00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:05,633 "THE IMPORTANCE OF ADDRESSING ALL OFFICERS 139 00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:08,402 WITH WHAT HE CALLED A SIR SANDWICH--" 140 00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:10,938 [laughs] 141 00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:12,673 - "SIR, YES, SIR; 142 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,908 "SIR, I DON'T KNOW, SIR; AND THE LIKE. 143 00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:17,445 "A FEW DAYS LATER, A COLONEL APPROACHED ME IN THE MOTOR POOL 144 00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:19,613 "AND ASKED WHAT I WAS WORKING ON. 145 00:06:19,647 --> 00:06:21,449 "USING THE SIR SANDWICH, I SAID, 146 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:25,018 "SIR, CHECKING THE OIL, SIR, IN THESE JEEPS, SIR, 147 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:27,821 "AND, SIR, CHECKING THE TIRES, SIR. 148 00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:29,156 "THE COLONEL LAUGHED AND SAID, 149 00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:31,525 "PRIVATE, I APPRECIATE YOUR RESPECT, 150 00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:34,895 BUT I DON'T NEED A SIR CLUB SANDWICH." 151 00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:38,532 - [laughs] 152 00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:44,872 THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 153 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,707 TRUE STORY. 154 00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:50,077 HEY, RAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK? 155 00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:52,680 - OH, IT'S A CLASSIC, DAD. 156 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:56,183 - AND THAT'S NOT ALL. LOOK AT THIS. 157 00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:59,953 A CHECK FOR $300. - OOH! 158 00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:01,655 - I'D FRAME IT, BUT THEN I COULDN'T TAKE 159 00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:03,924 MY LITTLE TYPIST OUT FOR A FANCY DINNER. 160 00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:06,460 - [laughing] 161 00:07:06,494 --> 00:07:08,161 EVERY TIME YOU CALL ME THAT, 162 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:12,566 IT'S GOING TO COST YOU 300 BUCKS. 163 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:13,801 - MICHAEL THREW HIS MILK AT ME. 164 00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:15,068 - OH! - OH! 165 00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:20,173 - ISN'T THAT GREAT? 166 00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,476 THAT COULD BE MY SECOND STORY. 167 00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:24,778 THE "DIGEST" LOVES A NAUGHTY BABY. 168 00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:32,586 "TEENAGE BOYS CAN BE SHY AND AWKWARD. 169 00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:35,723 "THEIR VOICES CRACK, THEIR SKIN BREAKS OUT, 170 00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:38,191 "AND THEY'RE AFRAID OF ANYTHING IN A DRESS. 171 00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:42,730 THIS WAS ESPECIALLY TRUE FOR MY SON ROY." 172 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,732 - DAD, YOU'RE WRITING ABOUT ME. 173 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:46,767 - IT SAYS "ROY." 174 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,236 - OH, THANKS, DOD. 175 00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:52,506 - HEY, LOOK, 176 00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:55,576 I'M USING WHAT WE CALL ARTISTIC LICENSE THERE. 177 00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:56,977 SURE, I'M WRITING ABOUT MY KID, 178 00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:59,513 BUT IT'S GOT TO COME OFF LIKE ANYBODY'S KID. 179 00:07:59,547 --> 00:08:03,216 YOU SEE, I HAVE TO WRITE AS THE EVERYMAN. 180 00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:04,084 - YOU'RE THE EVERYMAN? 181 00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:05,819 - RIGHT. 182 00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:08,021 IT'S GOT TO MEAN SOMETHING TO DEBRA AND MARIE, 183 00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:10,758 THE GUY IN SNOWBOUND SWEDEN LOOKING FOR A LAUGH. 184 00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:13,727 - OH, ESPECIALLY HIM. YEAH, OKAY. 185 00:08:13,761 --> 00:08:16,564 LOOK, DAD, I GOT A COLUMN DUE IN ABOUT AN HOUR, ALL RIGHT? 186 00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:18,999 SO I'M GOING TO SEE YOU. OKAY. 187 00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:21,134 - "ROY, BEING A TYPICAL TEENAGER, 188 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:24,805 "WAS BESIEGED BY RAGING HORMONES-- 189 00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:30,510 MAKING IT DIFFICULT FOR HIM TO KEEP HIS MIND ON HIS STUDIES." 190 00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,714 - OH, MY GOD. 191 00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:36,116 - OOH, HE'S THE EVERYMAN. 192 00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:37,751 - CAN YOU IMAGINE? 193 00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:40,187 CAN YOU IMAGINE IF EVERY MAN WAS FRANK BARONE? 194 00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:41,622 - NOPE. 195 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:42,856 - BOY, WOULDN'T SIZZLER LOVE THAT? 196 00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:43,657 - YEAH. 197 00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:44,892 - DO ME A FAVOR. 198 00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:46,259 PLEASE, KEEP EVERYMAN OUT OF HERE. 199 00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:47,928 - HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? 200 00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:50,964 - HOW FAST CAN YOU MAKE A POT ROAST? 201 00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:52,833 - SO WHAT'S THE COLUMN ABOUT, RAY? 202 00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:53,901 - OH-- 203 00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:54,968 - GOT TO GO. 204 00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:57,738 - NO! 205 00:08:57,771 --> 00:09:00,874 IT'S THE GIANTS, DAD. 206 00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:03,744 - GO ON. GO ON. DON'T LET ME BOTHER YOU. 207 00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:10,250 THIS IS THE TOUGHEST PART, ISN'T IT? 208 00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:11,251 - WHAT? 209 00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:13,821 - THAT. THE BLANK PAGE. 210 00:09:13,854 --> 00:09:18,158 IT JUST SITS THERE AND MOCKS YOU, DARES YOU-- 211 00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:22,295 - ANNOYS YOU. BOTHERS YOU. 212 00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:25,065 - I GUESS SO. WELL, GO ON, WRITE. 213 00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,200 CONQUER THE BLANK PAGE. 214 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,702 I'M NOT EVEN HERE. 215 00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:38,078 SHOULDN'T YOU INDENT? 216 00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:41,114 - DAD, DON'T YOU WANT TO GET STARTED 217 00:09:41,148 --> 00:09:42,616 ON THAT STORY ABOUT THE TWINS? 218 00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:45,986 - NO RUSH. IT'S FERMENTING. 219 00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,288 - WELL, DON'T LET IT GO BAD IN THERE, DAD. 220 00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:50,190 COME ON. GO, GO. 221 00:09:50,223 --> 00:09:51,625 RUN. RUN WITH IT. 222 00:09:51,659 --> 00:09:53,761 I'M ASKING YOU, DAD, AS A PROUD PARENT. 223 00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:54,795 RUN. 224 00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:55,929 - I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU KNOW. 225 00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:57,197 I GOT TO GO GET STARTED. 226 00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:58,799 - YEAH, OKAY. 227 00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:06,073 - YOU KNOW, RAY, 228 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:09,710 WHEN I RETIRED, I THOUGHT, "WELL, THIS IS IT." 229 00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,912 YOU KNOW, I--SOMETIMES I JUST SIT THERE SAYING, 230 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,914 "I GOT NOTHING LEFT." 231 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,082 BUT WITH THIS WRITING THING, 232 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,217 IT'S LIKE I GOT A WHOLE NEW LEASE ON LIFE. 233 00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:18,819 I--I CAN'T DESCRIBE IT. 234 00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:21,955 IT'S LIKE, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A WHOLE LOT OF YEARS, 235 00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:26,927 I FEEL GOOD. 236 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:27,961 - THAT'S-- THAT'S GOOD, DAD. 237 00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:30,197 THAT'S NICE. I--I'M GLAD. 238 00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:32,866 - WELL, I GOT YOU TO THANK FOR IT. 239 00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,868 YOU'RE A WRITER. - YEAH. 240 00:10:34,902 --> 00:10:38,405 - I LOOK AT YOU, AND I SEE WHAT I HAD IN ME. 241 00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:40,040 HEY, YOU KNOW, 242 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,209 NOW WE KNOW WHERE YOUR TALENT COMES FROM. 243 00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:48,415 SO GO ON. SHOW ME YOUR CHOPS. 244 00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:50,884 DID YOU KNOW MARK TWAIN HAD A SON WHO WAS A WRITER? 245 00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:51,685 - NO. 246 00:10:51,719 --> 00:10:53,253 - YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALLED HIM? 247 00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:55,355 - NO. - CHOO-CHOO. 248 00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:57,891 CHOO-CHOO TWAIN! HA, HA, HA. 249 00:10:57,925 --> 00:10:59,827 THAT WAS IN THE "DIGEST." 250 00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:10,938 - OH, HI, RAY. YOU HUNGRY? 251 00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:12,740 - NO, NO. 252 00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:14,041 - SHOULDN'T YOU BE AT WORK? 253 00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:17,210 - YEAH, I WAS, MA, UNTIL DAD STOPPED BY. 254 00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:18,912 - OH. - YEAH. 255 00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:21,448 I'M HAVING LUNCH AT THE PAPER WITH THE GUYS, 256 00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:23,183 AND HE JUST SHOWS UP. 257 00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:25,185 HE STARTS TELLING US ABOUT WRITING. 258 00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:27,020 TELLING US! 259 00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:31,992 WHEN I LEFT, HE WAS TEACHING US ABOUT ALLITERATION. 260 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,928 SO, FEARING MY FATHER THE FREAK, 261 00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:39,166 I FLED BEFORE THERE WAS A FATALITY. 262 00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:42,469 - LOOK AT THESE. LOOK AT THESE HANDS. 263 00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:45,372 I USED TO MAKE ANGEL HAIR PASTA WITH THESE HANDS. 264 00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:48,708 AND NOW, I'M A GREASE MONKEY! 265 00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,812 - YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HIM, MA. 266 00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:53,346 - NO, HE DOESN'T LISTEN TO ME. 267 00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,415 WHAT, YOU THINK I LIKE DOING THIS? 268 00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:57,785 OH, I HAVE A LIFE TOO. 269 00:11:57,818 --> 00:12:01,755 I COULD BE OUT LEARNING FRENCH. 270 00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:03,123 - MA, YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT. 271 00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:04,925 - WE'LL NEVER KNOW, WILL WE? 272 00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:09,029 NO, RAYMOND, RAYMOND, YOU HAVE TO HANDLE THIS. 273 00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:10,764 THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM. 274 00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:12,132 - WHAT ARE YOU-- HOW IS IT MY PROBLEM? 275 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,233 WHAT DID I DO? 276 00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:15,002 - YOU'RE THE WRITER. HUH? 277 00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:17,871 HE WANTS YOUR APPROVAL. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT? 278 00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:19,873 JUST TALK TO YOUR FATHER. 279 00:12:19,907 --> 00:12:20,841 - TALK TO DAD? 280 00:12:20,874 --> 00:12:23,443 OH, WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH THAT STUFF, MA? 281 00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:27,347 - HEY, RAY, THERE YOU ARE. 282 00:12:29,016 --> 00:12:30,483 HEY, YOUR FRIENDS ARE REALLY GUNG-HO 283 00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:32,953 ABOUT THAT COMPUTER STUFF. 284 00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:36,089 PERSONALLY, I DON'T SEE WHAT THEY'RE SO EXCITED ABOUT. 285 00:12:36,123 --> 00:12:39,860 MAYBE IT'S ALL THAT INTERNET PORNO. 286 00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:42,195 - JUST TALK TO YOUR FATHER. 287 00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:45,565 I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. I'M AN INK-STAINED WRETCH. 288 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:48,235 - HEY, DAD, THIS WHOLE WRITING THING, DAD, 289 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,803 I'M-- I'M GLAD YOU FOUND IT, 290 00:12:49,837 --> 00:12:51,338 BECAUSE IT'S GOOD TO HAVE SOMETHING. 291 00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:53,841 - YOU MEAN THE "DIGEST"? 292 00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:55,075 - ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU $1,000 293 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:58,111 IF YOU STOP CALLING IT "THE 'DIGEST.'" 294 00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:01,181 - FAIR ENOUGH. TESTING, TESTING. 295 00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:02,349 - LISTEN, I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT 296 00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:04,918 THAT WE'RE HONEST HERE WITH EACH OTHER. 297 00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:07,020 - REALLY? - YEAH. 298 00:13:07,054 --> 00:13:08,421 - YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD YOU SAID THAT, 299 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:11,825 BECAUSE THERE'S SOMETHING I WAS AFRAID TO ASK YOU. 300 00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:13,126 - WHAT? 301 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,163 [Frank sighs] 302 00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:19,933 "FRANK BARONE'S I WAS JUST THINKING." 303 00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:22,169 - YEAH, MY THOUGHTS ON A BUNCH OF SUBJECTS, YOU KNOW? 304 00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:23,837 INFOMERCIALS-- 305 00:13:23,871 --> 00:13:25,605 THE NEW CAR SMELL-- 306 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,174 MINUTE RICE-- STUFF LIKE THAT. 307 00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:28,475 IT'S ALL THERE. 308 00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:30,543 - YEAH, IT IS. 309 00:13:30,577 --> 00:13:33,046 WHY DO I HAVE IT? 310 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,882 - WELL, YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO BE HONEST. 311 00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:38,151 I HONESTLY THINK THIS WOULD MAKE A GREAT COLUMN IN YOUR PAPER. 312 00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:41,021 - MY PAPER? 313 00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:43,991 - YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU PASS IT ON TO THE EDITOR? 314 00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,159 - YOU WANT ME TO SHOW THIS TO MY EDITOR? 315 00:13:46,193 --> 00:13:47,394 - THANK YOU, RAY. 316 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:50,430 AND, UH, TELL HIM-- 317 00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:52,966 I LOOK FORWARD TO HIS FEEDBACK. 318 00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:58,638 - OH, MA! 319 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:01,141 - [crying] IT DOESN'T COME OUT. 320 00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:03,076 IT DOESN'T COME OUT! 321 00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:12,585 - HI. - HI. 322 00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,354 - HI, HI. LISTEN, I'M GOING TO-- 323 00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:19,226 I'M GOING TO BE HIDING FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS, OKAY? 324 00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:21,394 SO IF MY FATHER COMES BY LOOKING, 325 00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:22,462 YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM. 326 00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:24,097 - WHAT? 327 00:14:24,131 --> 00:14:26,566 - LISTEN, YOU GOT TO RUN INTERFERENCE FOR ME, OKAY? 328 00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:27,968 I'D DO THE SAME WITH YOUR PARENTS. 329 00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:30,403 - MY PARENTS LIVE IN CONNECTICUT. 330 00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:32,572 - I'M WILLING TO GO. 331 00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:35,909 MATTER OF FACT, HE'D NEVER FIND ME IN CONNECTICUT. 332 00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:39,312 - WHY ARE WE HIDING TODAY, RAY? 333 00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:41,114 - LOOK AT THAT. 334 00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:43,183 - "FRANK BARONE'S I WAS JUST THINKING." 335 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:44,651 WHAT IS THIS? - IT'S HIS COLUMN. 336 00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:47,420 - HIS COLUMN? - HIS COLUMN. 337 00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:49,422 YEAH, HE WANTS ME TO HAND IT TO MY EDITOR. 338 00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:51,591 - OH, YOU'RE KIDDING. 339 00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,426 - LOOK AT THIS. 340 00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:55,996 "THE CHIRP OF THE CRICKET HAS BEEN REPLACED BY THE CAR ALARM. 341 00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:58,665 GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT WILL REPLACE THE CAR ALARM." 342 00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:03,136 WHAT IS THAT? WHAT COULD THAT POSSIBLY MEAN? 343 00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:05,538 OH, GOD, HE'S OUT OF CONTROL. 344 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,607 - "LIKE THE SMELL OF A FRESHLY-PAINTED ROOM 345 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,342 "AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY, 346 00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:13,113 BUT IN THE END, WALLPAPER IS EASIER TO CLEAN." 347 00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:15,015 HMM. 348 00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:16,516 - YEAH, ALL RIGHT, SO HE'S RIGHT ABOUT THAT, 349 00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:19,552 BUT, COME ON, HOW CAN I HAND THAT TO MY EDITOR? 350 00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,221 HE'S GOING TO TEAR IT UP. 351 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,355 - YOU KNOW, RAY, 352 00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:25,125 I THINK YOU SHOULD LET YOUR EDITOR TAKE A LOOK AT THAT. 353 00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:27,460 - WHY? SO EVERYONE AT WORK LOSES RESPECT FOR ME? 354 00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:28,661 AND THEN I GET FIRED, RIGHT? 355 00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:30,297 AND THEN YOU CAN GO BACK TO WORK, 356 00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:31,631 AND I STAY WITH THE KIDS. 357 00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:33,433 NO, NO, NO. 358 00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:37,237 I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT, DELILAH. 359 00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,706 - NO, NO, YOU TAKE HIS NAME OFF OF IT, 360 00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:41,374 AND THEN YOU SUBMIT IT TO YOUR EDITOR. 361 00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:43,176 THEN HE GIVES YOU SOME HONEST FEEDBACK, 362 00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:45,012 WHICH YOU CAN PASS ON TO YOUR FATHER, 363 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:48,215 AND ALL OF THIS WILL END. 364 00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:51,351 - HEY, THAT'S NOT BAD. THAT'S NOT BAD. 365 00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,686 MY EDITOR'S GOING TO HATE THIS. 366 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,455 AW, I'M DOING IT. 367 00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,624 I'M GOING TO DO THAT. - GOOD. 368 00:15:57,657 --> 00:16:00,460 - OH, TELL ME THE STORY AGAIN ABOUT THE PARENTS 369 00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:04,297 THAT LIVE ALL THE WAY IN CONNECTICUT. 370 00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:07,300 - ONCE UPON A TIME-- - SLOWER. SLOWER. 371 00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:08,668 - ONCE UPON A TIME-- 372 00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,037 - LOUDER AND FUNNIER. 373 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,238 - YEAH. 374 00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:15,575 - HEY, ROB, THANKS FOR COMING OVER. 375 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:17,077 COME ON IN. 376 00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:19,679 - WHY? 377 00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:22,415 - I JUST WANTED YOU TO TRY PLAYING WITH MICHAEL AGAIN. 378 00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:23,716 YOU KNOW, JUST GIVE IT ONE MORE SHOT. 379 00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:26,319 - NAH, I DON'T THINK SO. 380 00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:28,688 - LISTEN, ROBERT, IT JUST-- IT MAKES ME FEEL TERRIBLE 381 00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:31,091 THAT YOU THINK ONE OF YOUR NEPHEWS DOESN'T LIKE YOU. 382 00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:32,625 COME ON. COME ON IN. 383 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,664 ROBERT, COME ON. 384 00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:44,104 SIT. JUST SIT DOWN. 385 00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:47,440 YEAH, THAT'S NOT SO BAD. 386 00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:49,276 IT'S UNCLE ROBBIE. 387 00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:54,013 UNCLE ROBBIE. YEAH. 388 00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:58,051 - HOW YOU DOING? 389 00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:03,256 HEY, MICHAEL, 390 00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:06,025 WOULD YOU LIKE UNCLE ROBERT TO READ YOU A STORY? 391 00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,597 HEY, HE'S NOT THAT TOUGH AFTER ALL. 392 00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:16,336 "BABY BUNNIES HAVE SUCH FUN. 393 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:19,506 BUNNIES ON THE HOP, SKIP, RUN"-- 394 00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:23,343 - HEY. - HEY. 395 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:24,811 LOOK AT ME AND MICHAEL. 396 00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:29,182 - YOU AND MICHAEL? NO, YOU MEAN YOU AND GEOFF-- 397 00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:31,184 [baby talk] 398 00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:33,320 AND MICHAEL. YES, MICHAEL. 399 00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:37,124 YEAH, YEAH, YOU GOT IT. THAT'S MICHAEL. 400 00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:38,425 - SEE? - YEAH. 401 00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:40,493 [telephone rings] 402 00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:43,263 HELLO? HEY, BILL. 403 00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,098 OH, YOU READ THE COLUMN. 404 00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:48,268 NO, NO, I DIDN'T WRITE THAT. DID NOT WRITE THAT. 405 00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:52,639 NO, NO, I PASSED THAT ON TO YOU FROM A COMPLETE STRANGER GUY. 406 00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:55,108 UH-HUH. YEAH. 407 00:17:55,142 --> 00:17:56,543 OKAY. 408 00:17:58,378 --> 00:18:00,847 WOW. 409 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,783 WAS THAT CALL WAITING, OR DID A VEIN POP? 410 00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:09,789 YEAH. OKAY, I'M SORRY. 411 00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:12,259 RIGHT. SO VERY SORRY. 412 00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:13,860 OKAY, BYE-BYE. 413 00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:17,130 OH, UGLY, UGLY! 414 00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:19,766 OH, THAT WAS UGLY. 415 00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:27,774 - OH, HI, RAY. HOW ARE YOU, HONEY? 416 00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:30,243 YOU HUNGRY? - NO. 417 00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:32,312 - MARIE, MARIE, I GOT TO GET MY THOUGHTS DOWN 418 00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:36,149 ON "TAPIOCA: LIKE IT OR LUMP IT?" 419 00:18:36,183 --> 00:18:38,318 - OH, THAT'S ENOUGH FOR TODAY. 420 00:18:38,351 --> 00:18:41,721 I'M GOING TO GO LIE DOWN-- UNDER THE CAR. 421 00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:44,457 - HEY, RAY. 422 00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:45,825 - HEY. 423 00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:47,360 - HEY, WHAT'S UP? 424 00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:48,861 - UH, NOTHING, NOTHING. 425 00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:51,164 I, UH--I TALKED TO MY EDITOR TODAY. 426 00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:52,632 - YEAH? - YEAH. 427 00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,334 - AND? 428 00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:56,169 - WELL, UH, I GUESS THE NEWSPAPER, 429 00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:59,272 THEY'RE NOT LOOKING FOR A COLUMNIST RIGHT NOW. 430 00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:02,809 - WELL, I--I DON'T HAVE TO BE A "COLUMNIST." 431 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:05,845 I MEAN, MY PIECES CAN RUN EVERY SO OFTEN IN THE PAPER. 432 00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:08,248 - YEAH, WELL, THEY SAID THEY ALREADY GOT SOMETHING 433 00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:11,384 SIMILAR TO YOUR PIECE IN--IN THERE. 434 00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:12,819 - WELL, WHAT? 435 00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:15,455 WHAT IN YOUR PAPER IS SIMILAR TO WHAT I WROTE? 436 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:19,559 - IN TONE; SIMILAR IN TONE IS WHAT HE ACTUALLY SAID. 437 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,794 - THIS GUY SOUNDS LIKE HE'S DODGING SOMETHING. 438 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:23,896 IS HE SOME KIND OF AN ODDBALL HERE? 439 00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,398 - HE'S NOT AN ODDBALL, DAD. 440 00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:27,400 LOOK, IT JUST-- IT WASN'T FOR HIM, THAT'S ALL. 441 00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:28,935 - WELL, WHAT DID HE SAY? WHAT WERE HIS EXACT WORDS? 442 00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:30,237 - I DON'T KNOW HIS EXACT WORDS. 443 00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:31,738 - WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 444 00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:33,573 YOU JUST SPOKE TO HIM, AND YOU CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID? 445 00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:34,874 - DAD, YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. 446 00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,609 - DON'T TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO HEAR 447 00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:37,977 OR WHAT I DON'T WANT TO HEAR! 448 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,546 TELL ME WHAT HE SAID! 449 00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:41,881 - HE SAID IT WAS EMBARRASSING! 450 00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:47,420 - WHAT? 451 00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,989 - HE SAID IT WAS EMBARRASSING. 452 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:53,493 - OH. 453 00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:54,894 WHAT ELSE DID HE SAY? 454 00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:57,897 - DAD-- - WHAT ELSE DID HE SAY? 455 00:19:57,930 --> 00:20:01,200 - HE SAID IT WAS AMATEURISH. 456 00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:04,671 - REALLY? 457 00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,005 - I'M SORRY, DAD. 458 00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:08,641 - NO, NO, NO, IT-- IT'S OKAY. 459 00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:09,709 - NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? 460 00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:11,444 YOU CAN'T TRUST WHAT THIS GUY SAYS. 461 00:20:11,478 --> 00:20:14,381 WHAT DOES HE KNOW? HE'S AN ODDBALL, THAT GUY. 462 00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:15,648 HUH? SO WHAT? YOU'RE NOT IN THE PAPER. 463 00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:17,717 YOU'RE IN THE "DIGEST." 464 00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:20,019 - AMATEURISH? 465 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:23,723 - 27 MILLION PEOPLE, IN 19 LANGUAGES. 466 00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:24,624 PEOPLE ARE READING THIS 467 00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,459 IN GERMANY AND JAPAN AS WE SPEAK, DAD. 468 00:20:26,493 --> 00:20:31,664 COME ON, HUH? NOBODY READS NEWSPAPERS. 469 00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:34,467 - YOU KNOW, I-- I WAS FEELING SO GOOD. 470 00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:35,902 NOW I DON'T KNOW. 471 00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:39,672 - DAD, THE "DIGEST." SEND IT IN. SEND IT TO THE "DIGEST." 472 00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:41,608 - I DID! 473 00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:43,710 THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT EITHER. 474 00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:46,513 THAT'S WHY I TRIED YOUR STUPID PAPER! 475 00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:50,883 - WELL, COME ON, YOU CAN'T JUST GIVE UP, DAD, HUH? 476 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:52,452 - AW-- - COME ON, YOU STILL GOT 477 00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:54,321 ALL THOSE ROY STORIES IN THERE. 478 00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:56,856 COME ON. WHAT ABOUT EVERYMAN? 479 00:20:56,889 --> 00:20:58,558 WHAT HAPPENED TO THE EVERYMAN? 480 00:20:58,591 --> 00:20:59,626 YOU GOT ALL THOSE OPINIONS. 481 00:20:59,659 --> 00:21:01,060 THEY'RE JUST FERMENTING IN THERE. 482 00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:02,695 GOT TO LET THEM OUT. 483 00:21:02,729 --> 00:21:06,065 GOT TO LET THEM OUT, DAD, OR YOU'RE GOING TO EXPLODE. 484 00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:07,300 - YOU KNOW SOMETHING? YOU'RE RIGHT. 485 00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:09,035 I GOT OPINIONS. - THAT'S RIGHT. 486 00:21:09,068 --> 00:21:10,603 - NOW WHO CAN I SHARE THEM WITH? 487 00:21:10,637 --> 00:21:11,738 - WELL, COME ON, THERE'S ALWAYS-- 488 00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:13,873 - MY FAMILY. 489 00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:15,808 - I WAS THINKING GUYS AT THE LODGE, 490 00:21:15,842 --> 00:21:19,446 AND PEOPLE AT BUS STOPS, AND CLERKS. 491 00:21:19,479 --> 00:21:21,981 - HEY, WAIT. WAIT, HERE'S ONE. 492 00:21:22,014 --> 00:21:25,452 "POETRY: GET TO THE POINT." 493 00:21:26,853 --> 00:21:28,355 - THERE YOU GO. 494 00:21:28,388 --> 00:21:29,021 WHO COULD ARGUE WITH THAT? YOU CAN'T. 495 00:21:29,055 --> 00:21:30,557 - YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. 496 00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:32,459 "HOW ABOUT THOSE POEMS THAT DON'T EVEN RHYME? 497 00:21:32,492 --> 00:21:34,894 THAT IS THIS MAN'S DEFINITION OF LAZY." 498 00:21:34,927 --> 00:21:37,096 - AH. 499 00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:39,466 MY JOB IS DONE HERE. 500 00:21:39,499 --> 00:21:41,434 - "MAKE UP YOUR MIND, AMERICA. 501 00:21:41,468 --> 00:21:43,670 IS IT OFF-EN OR OFTEN?" 502 00:21:43,703 --> 00:21:46,072 - AH, HA! 503 00:21:46,105 --> 00:21:47,940 YOU'RE THE KING OF THOSE. 504 00:21:47,974 --> 00:21:49,842 ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO GO RUN AND TELL EVERYBODY. 505 00:21:49,876 --> 00:21:51,378 - HEY, RAY-- 506 00:21:54,046 --> 00:21:56,315 WHAT--WHAT DID YOU THINK OF MY COLUMN? 507 00:21:59,051 --> 00:22:02,489 - I THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT, DAD. 508 00:22:02,522 --> 00:22:03,756 - THANKS. 509 00:22:09,696 --> 00:22:11,097 "AMISH PEOPLE: 510 00:22:11,130 --> 00:22:13,400 FRIEND OR FOE? 511 00:22:17,637 --> 00:22:19,939 - [laughing] 512 00:22:19,972 --> 00:22:26,579 [speaking Japanese] 513 00:22:26,613 --> 00:22:29,916 "ROY." 514 00:22:29,949 --> 00:22:32,619 [all laughing] 515 00:22:32,652 --> 00:22:38,157 [all laughing uproariously] 516 00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:39,426 "ROY."