HEY.
- HEY, MORNING. - HEY.
- MORNING, DADDY. - GOOD MORNING.
ANYTHING FOR BREAKFAST?
- HOW ABOUT PANCAKES?
- AH, GREAT.
- WE NEED EGGS, BUTTER,
MILK, SYRUP, AND PANCAKE MIX.
AND WHILE YOU'RE OUT, COULD YOU GO TO THE BANK,
THE HARDWARE STORE, AND THE DRY CLEANER'S?
- I'LL JUST HAVE CEREAL.
- COME ON, RAY.
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY WHILE I'M AT WORK?
- I ENTERTAIN MEN, RAY.
COME ON, ALLY.
- GREAT NEWS, RAY.
YOU'RE IN.
- WHAT AM I IN, AND DOES IT WASH OFF?
- RAY,
EVERY MAN HAS CERTAIN MOMENTS IN LIFE
THAT DEFINE WHO HE IS IN THE GREAT CIRCLE OF...
LIFE.
TONIGHT YOU AND I ARE HAVING SUCH A MOMENT.
- I'M NOT GETTING NAKED
AND LET YOU HOLD ME UP TO THE MOON, DAD...
NOT AGAIN.
- POKER.
WITH ME AND THE BOYS.
- NO, DAD, PLEASE. WHY DON'T YOU ASK ROBERT?
- WELL, YOUR BROTHER'S A COP.
HE'S VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT THIS GAMBLING THING.
WHAT IF HE TURNS US IN?
- YOU'D LIKE JAIL.
THEY HAVE CRAFTS.
- I DON'T GET IT.
YOU-- YOU SAYING NO TO ME?
TO YOUR FATHER?
- DAD, I'M NOT SAYING NO.
I JUST-- I DON'T WANT TO GO.
- DON'T WANT TO GO? - YEAH.
- AFTER THE WAY YOU HOUNDED ME
ALL THOSE YEARS IN HIGH SCHOOL TO PLAY?
- WHEN DID I HOUND YOU TO PLAY CARDS WITH YOUR FRIENDS?
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
SO WE DIDN'T TALK MUCH DURING THE HIGH SCHOOL YEARS.
I-I KNOW I KIND OF LOST TRACK OF YOU.
I'M SORRY.
ANYWAY, WE GOT FOUR GUYS.
WE NEED A FIFTH.
- COME ON. NO. I HATE THOSE GUYS.
ALL THEY DID WAS MAKE FUN OF ME.
- OH, THEY WON'T ANYMORE.
YOUR HEAD'S A NORMAL SIZE NOW.
COME ON. DO IT FOR THE OLD MAN.
- OH, PLEASE. DO I HAVE TO?
- ATTABOY. ATTABOY.
10:00 AT NEMO'S.
IT'S A WILD TIME, RAY.
BETTER THAN VEGAS.
FOOD, FUN, FAST ACTION.
HEY, THE NEW GUY BRINGS THE MAALOX.
HEY, NEMO, WHAT'D YOU MAKE TONIGHT?
- LASAGNA MEATBALLS.
- YOU MEAN LASAGNA AND MEATBALLS?
- NO, LASAGNA MEATBALLS.
I HAD TO CLEAN OUT THE FREEZER.
- HEALTH INSPECTOR?
- YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO HIM?
- LIKE YOU TALKED TO THE JUDGE AT YOUR DIVORCE TRIAL, GARVIN?
- HEY, I DID OKAY ON THAT SETTLEMENT.
- YOU'RE LIVING AT THE FRIGGING "Y."
HEY, HERE HE IS. HERE'S MY BOY.
- HERE I AM.
- HEY, RAY.
[laughs]
- THIS IT, DAD? THIS EVERYBODY?
- RAY, THIS KAVUTCH SAYS
HE WOULD ONLY PICK CHANGE OUT OF A URINAL
IF IT WAS MORE THAN A BUCK.
- SOME OF US HAVE PRINCIPLES.
- SOME OF US HAVE 87 CENTS.
- [laughs]
- RAY. - HEY, RAY.
- HEY.
- SO, RAY, YOU FEEL LIKE A WINNER?
- NOT REALLY.
- SIT DOWN, RAY, OVER HERE,
BY MY GOOD EAR.
- TINNITUS.
- WHA?
[laughter]
[coughing]
- COME ON, GUYS.
THIS IS HOW THE EBOLA VIRUS STARTED.
- ANTE UP, SEVEN-CARD, NO PEEKY.
- ISN'T THIS GREAT?
MY KID AND MY PALS BONDING OVER A REAL MAN'S GAME.
- NO PEEKY.
- SO, RAY, YOU STILL DOING THAT SPORTSWRITING THING?
- YEAH.
- HEY, TELL THEM ABOUT ALL THE AWARDS YOU WON THIS YEAR.
- ALL RIGHT. COME ON, DAD.
- AWARDS! WOW!
WHO WOULD HAVE MADE THAT BET, HUH?
- WHAT?
- NOTHING PERSONAL,
BUT YOU HAD THE BIGGEST HEAD I'D EVER SEEN ON A KID.
- IT WAS HUGE!
- FREAKISH.
- WE USED TO GET CALLS FROM THE CIRCUS.
[laughter]
- ALL RIGHT, ARE WE GONNA PLAY CARDS,
OR ARE WE GONNA MAKE FUN OF ME ALL NIGHT?
- DON'T WORRY, KID.
WE GOT PLENTY OF TIME FOR BOTH.
[laughter]
[hacking cough]
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PHLEGMTONES.
[laughter]
I'LL, UH--
I'LL MAKE A BET THAT'S AS BIG AS MY HEAD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAD?
- I'M STACKING YOUR CHIPS.
- STACK YOUR OWN CHIPS, DAD--
ALL THREE OF 'EM.
- YOU'RE BLUFFING, RAYMOND.
I CALL.
- YOU CALL?
YOU BETTER CALL A DOCTOR.
FULL HOUSE: QUEENS OVER 8s.
SORRY, GUYS. I'M IN THE ZONE.
- HEY, RAY, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO WIN ALL THE MONEY.
- YEAH, WELL, PERHAPS I HAVE AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.
YOU KNOW, ALL NIGHT, I'VE BEEN ABLE TO READ
THE REFLECTION OF YOUR CARDS OFF YOUR SHINY NOGGINS.
- HEY, HEY, A LITTLE RESPECT.
- DON'T WORRY. THE KID'S DONE WINNING.
IT'S TIME FOR A MAN'S GAME.
FIVE-CARD DRAW.
NO DRAW.
- THAT MEANS YOU PLAY THE FIVE CARDS YOU'RE DEALT.
- YEAH, I FIGURED IT OUT, DAD.
- ANYBODY GOT ANY ANTACID OR BICARBONATE OF SODA?
- NO. - I DON'T.
- IN THAT CASE, I FOLD.
- I'LL OPEN.
- TAKE IT EASY.
- DAD, WHAT?
YOU DON'T TELL YOUR PALS TO TAKE IT EASY.
- THEY'RE NOT MY SON.
- WELL, I'M NOT YOUR SON HERE EITHER, DAD--FRANK.
WE'RE EQUALS. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
- I'M OUT. - I'M OUT.
- WHAT, ARE YOU SHOWING OFF?
THIS IS JUST LIKE WHEN YOU WERE A KID
AND YOU'D SHOVE THE COCOA PUFFS UP YOUR NOSE.
I RAISE YOU 50.
- I WAS SIX THEN,
AND THEY SMELLED GOOD.
I SEE YOU 50, AND I RAISE YOU 50.
- I TOLD YOU DON'T PUT THE COCOA PUFFS UP YOUR NOSE.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU SHOVE 25 OF THEM UP THERE.
WE GOT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
I SEE YOU,
AND I RAISE YOU.
- WELL, DAD,
WHATEVER YOU SPENT AT THE HOSPITAL THAT NIGHT,
HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO MAKE IT ALL BACK.
- HOLY CRAP! - HOLY CRAP!
[toys clattering and squeaking]
- HI, HONEY.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHY ARE YOU HOME SO LATE?
- 'CAUSE I-- I WON A LOT OF MONEY.
- OH, THAT'S GOOD.
- THEN I LOST SOME.
- HOW MUCH?
- OH, GO--GO TO SLEEP. GO TO SLEEP.
- WELL, HOW MUCH?
- NOT ENOUGH TO LOSE SLEEP OVER.
- COME ON, JUST TELL ME.
- SLEEP. - RAY!
- ALL RIGHT, DON'T SLEEP,
BUT YOU'RE GONNA BE CRANKY TOMORROW.
- DID YOU LOSE MORE THAN $50?
- YEAH.
- YOU DIDN'T LOSE $100, DID YOU?
- NO.
HUNDREDS.
- HOW MANY HUNDREDS?
- [muffled]
- WHAT?
- [muffled]
- WHAT?
- ROAD AND FRICK.
- RAY, HOW MANY HUNDREDS? - 23.
- [gasps] - TO MY DAD.
- YOU LOST $2,300 TO YOUR FATHER?
- RELAX, ALL RIGHT?
WE'RE GONNA GET THE MONEY BACK.
- HOW? - WHEN HE DIES.
- OH!
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LOST ALL THAT MONEY.
- LOOK, IT'S MY DAD'S FAULT.
HE KEPT TELLING ME TO FOLD LIKE I WAS A LITTLE KID.
- OH, SO YOU SHOWED HIM BY LOSING ALL YOUR MONEY TO HIM.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M MY OWN MAN.
- RAY, YOU KNOW, IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,
WE HAVE THREE KIDS TO PUT THROUGH COLLEGE.
- WELL, MAYBE WE'LL GET LUCKY
AND THEY WON'T BE COLLEGE MATERIAL.
- YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT WE WERE SAVING
TO BUY A BIGGER HOUSE
SO WE COULD MOVE AWAY FROM--
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
- LOOK, YOU THINK I WANTED TO LOSE THAT MUCH MONEY?
I KNOW IT WAS WRONG,
BUT YOU GOT TO KNOW I HAD A VERY GOOD REASON.
- YOU HAD A VERY GOOD REASON?
- IT'S LIKE WHEN YOUR FATHER TELLS YOU
NOT TO PUT COCOA PUFFS UP YOUR NOSE.
- OH, NOT THE COCOA PUFF STORY AGAIN, RAY.
- WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU WANT TO DO?
PUT COCOA PUFFS UP YOUR NOSE.
- SO NOW YOU'RE...
CUCKOO.
- DON'T YOU SEE?
IT'S JUST THE SAME THING AS 30 YEARS AGO.
HE KEPT TELLING ME TO STOP BETTING,
SO THE FIRST THING--
- ALL RIGHT, I GET IT. I GET IT. I GET IT.
- GOOD. OKAY, GOOD. I FEEL BETTER.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST FORGET
ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING AND GET SOME SLEEP.
- JUST FORGET ABOUT $2,300?
- OKAY, YOU WANT TO BEAT IT INTO THE GROUND.
- I'M JUST--I'M THANKFUL THAT YOU LOST IT TO YOUR FATHER.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE YOU CAN GO OVER THERE AND ASK FOR IT BACK.
- I CAN'T DO THAT.
- WHY?
- I'M NOT A CHILD.
- OH, NO, YOU'RE A MATURE ADULT WHO LOST $2,300
BECAUSE HIS DADDY TOLD HIM NOT TO.
- ALL RIGHT, I AM A CHILD.
BUT IF I GO BACK AND ASK FOR THE MONEY BACK,
THEN I'M A BABY.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A BABY.
- QUIT PUSHING!
- GO AHEAD. DO IT.
- I'M NOT GIVING RAY'S CHECK BACK.
I WON IT FAIR AND SQUARE.
- OH, IF YOU DON'T GIVE RAY HIS MONEY,
YOU'RE NOT THE MAN I MARRIED.
- I WIN AGAIN.
- I CAN'T TAKE THE MONEY BACK, MA.
- YES, YOU CAN.
- FRANK, PLEASE.
- FORGET IT. I WANT TO TEACH HIM A LESSON.
DON'T GET IN OVER YOUR HEAD.
PLAY WITH FIRE, YOU'RE GONNA GET BURNED.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,
THANK YOU.
COME AGAIN.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M HEARING!
YOU WOULD ACTUALLY DEPRIVE YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD
OF MONEY HE NEEDS TO FEED HIS FAMILY?
- WE'RE OKAY, MA.
- LOOK HOW THEY LIVE OVER HERE, FRANK--
THE WANT.
- WHAT'S GOING ON OVER HERE?
- NOTHING. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I'M A POLICEMAN. I COME HOME AT 3:00 A.M.
NO MOM, NO DAD, NO SANDWICH.
I START TO WORRY.
- OH, ROBBIE, IT'S THE WORST.
OH, I'VE NEVER BEEN SO UPSET IN MY LIFE.
- DON'T TELL HIM. HE'S A COP.
- TELL ME WHAT?
- NOTHING.
- RAY AND FRANK PLAYED POKER TONIGHT,
AND RAY LOST $2,300 TO YOUR FATHER.
- WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM I CRY DURING SEX?
- OH--
- YOU PLAYED FOR REAL MONEY?
YOU--YOU BROKE THE LAW?
- WE GAMBLED. NOBODY GOT HURT.
- I SEE, SO IT'S NOT AGAINST THE LAW
UNLESS SOMEBODY GETS HURT.
INTERESTING.
- ROBERT, WANT SOME ICE CREAM?
- NO, NO. CAN'T STAY.
GOT TO GO TELL THE PUSHERS AND THE MUGGERS
AND THE LADIES OF THE EVENING
THAT IT'S NOT AGAINST THE LAW UNLESS SOMEBODY GETS HURT.
MIO FAMIGLIA.
[mumbling in Italian]
- HELLO, SWEETHEART.
- HI, GRANDMA.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WE'RE FROSTING CUPCAKES.
- OH, HOW NICE.
FROSTING FROM A CAN.
SO MUCH EASIER THAN HOMEMADE.
- WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, MARIE?
- DARLING, WILL YOU GO WASH YOUR FACE FOR GRANDMA, HUH?
THAT'S A GOOD GIRL. THANKS.
THIS IS FOR YOU.
- [gasps]
BUT I THOUGHT FRANK SAID--
- NO, HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.
THIS IS MY MONEY.
- YOU HAVE MONEY?
- OH.
MY FATHER-- OH, SUCH A WISE MAN.
ON MY WEDDING DAY, HE TOOK ME ASIDE,
GAVE ME $200, AND SAID,
"HERE, THIS IS IF YOU EVER COME TO YOUR SENSES
AND LEAVE FRANK."
- WOW.
MY DAD ONLY GAVE ME $50.
- SO FOR 45 YEARS NOW,
I'VE BEEN ADDING TO IT LITTLE BY LITTLE.
I MEAN, WHO KNOWS HOW LONG MY MARRIAGE WILL LAST, RIGHT?
I MEAN, MONEY IS FREEDOM.
- SO HOW FREE ARE YOU?
- $46,000.
- WHAT?
- YUP.
JUST-- IT'S OUR SECRET, NOW.
- HI. - HI.
- HI, MA. - HI, DEAR.
- HOW YOU DOING?
- FINE. - FINE.
- OKAY, DEBRA, GIVE MOM THE MONEY BACK.
- HOW DID YOU KNOW?
- COME ON, LOOK AT YOU TWO, HUH?
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU TWO WERE SMILING TOGETHER?
EXACTLY. NOW, GIVE IT BACK TO HER.
- OH, RAY, PLEASE.
- NO, NO, MA, NO.
GET OUT OF HERE. NO. GO.
- LOOK, IF YOU TAKE--
- DON'T MAKE ME TURN THE HOSE ON YOU.
MA.
THANKS.
- YOU'RE WELCOME, YOU STUBBORN ASS.
- YOU WERE GONNA KEEP THAT MONEY, WEREN'T YOU?
- OH, RAY, IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU AND YOUR STUPID PRIDE
TRYING TO OUTDO YOUR DAD,
YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE LOST THAT MONEY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
- WRONG, ALL RIGHT?
I HAPPEN TO STINK AT POKER,
AND I WOULD HAVE LOST THE MONEY ANYWAY.
THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU KNOW.
- YOU'RE NOT TALKING TO ME?
- NOPE.
- I JUST KEEP WINNING.
- OH, HI, RAY.
- LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN ALLY'S PIGGY BANK--
$2,300.
- OH.
ISN'T SHE THRIFTY?
- YEAH.
COME ON, MA, HUH?
I'LL TELL YOU, IT WASN'T EASY
TRYING TO WRESTLE IT OUT OF HER HANDS.
- WHAT DID YOU DO?
- I GAVE HIM $2,300.
WE'RE NOT KEEPING HIS MONEY.
- WHERE DID YOU GET $2,300?
- NEVER MIND.
- I DON'T WANT IT, MA.
- ALL RIGHT, FREEZE.
- ROBBIE, SHOULDN'T YOU BE AT WORK?
- OH, I'M AT WORK RIGHT NOW.
I HEARD THE WHOLE THING.
THIS COULD GET UGLY, MOM.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.
- YOU'RE TELLING ME TO LEAVE MY OWN KITCHEN?
- NOW!
PLEASE.
- LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY BOYS!
- ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS, SIT DOWN.
- OH, COME ON. - RIGHT NOW.
THE BOTH OF YOUSE. LET'S GO.
RIGHT HERE.
YOU GUYS WANT A CUP OF COFFEE? - OKAY.
- WELL, WE'LL JUST SEE HOW IT GOES.
NOW, LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT, OKAY?
THE BOTH OF YOU BROKE THE LAW,
THE LAW THAT I'VE SWORN TO UPHOLD.
NOW, THE ONLY THING THAT COULD ALTER THAT FACT
IS IF NO MONEY CHANGED HANDS ON THE NIGHT IN QUESTION
AT ONE NEMO'S PIZZERIA
AND HOMEMADE SPECIALTIES.
- THIS IS BETWEEN ME AND DAD, ROBERT.
- THAT'S RIGHT. WE'RE PERFECTLY FINE.
- EVERYTHING'S PERFECTLY FINE, HUH?
YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW
THAT YOU'RE THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG?
YOU'RE GOING DOWN, POPS, AND WHEN YOU DO,
YOU'RE GONNA BRING DOWN EDDIE AND STAN
AND THAT DIVORCED GARVIN.
- ROBERT, YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING.
- OH, I'M NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING, HUH?
YOU WANT TO TRY ME? COME ON!
LISTEN, KID.
I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.
IT'S-- IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT
'CAUSE YOU GOT MIXED UP WITH A BAD ELEMENT.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WELL, GOOD COP/BAD COP.
IT'S JUST TAKING ME A LITTLE LONGER
'CAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE OF ME.
- I KNOW WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS.
IT'S BECAUSE WE DIDN'T INVITE YOU TO PLAY.
- NO, NO, MY SECOND-RATE STATUS IN THIS FAMILY
HAS NO BEARING ON MY PROFESSIONAL RESPONSIBILITIES.
- THERE'S ANOTHER GAME NEXT WEEK.
- TOO LATE. - ENOUGH ALREADY.
LOOK, I'M LEAVING, ALL RIGHT?
AND FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M NOT TAKING THE MONEY.
I LOST IT, THAT'S ALL. I'M A BIG BOY.
ALL RIGHT, IF I TAKE THE MONEY,
WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE DOES THAT SEND TO MY KIDS?
THAT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,
YOU CAN JUST GO TO YOUR FATHER
AND HE'LL MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY?
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
- WHAT? WHAT AM I RIGHT ABOUT?
- YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GO TO YOUR FATHER,
AND HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE IT OKAY.
HERE, BE A GOOD FATHER, BIG HEAD.
- DAD--
THANKS. THANKS, DAD.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
- I'M JUST GLAD IT ALL WORKED OUT.
I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO CUFF YOU GUYS.
- I'M GLAD TOO.
AND, UH, IT MIGHT HAVE WORKED OUT VERY WELL.
- HEY!
THAT'S STILL MY MONEY.
- WELL, YOU WANTED TO PLAY CARDS.
WE'RE PLAYING CARDS.
WHAT DO YOU GOT?
- A PAIR OF 5s.
- [laughs]
FULL HOUSE: JACKS OVER 8s.
OKAY, DIAMOND JIM, TAKE IT OFF.
- I'M COLD.