- HEY, THANKS FOR THAT INTERVIEW, CLARK.
- YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
OH, EXCUSE ME, DO YOU HAVE CHANGE FOR THE PHONE?
- SURE, YEAH.
DO YOU NEED ME TO BREAK A MILLION?
- COME ON. WHAT'S WITH YOU REPORTERS
ALWAYS GETTING ON ME ABOUT MY SALARY?
- HEH! THAT'S FUNNY,
CALLING SEVEN MILLION A SALARY.
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU MAKE?
- WHY, THAT'S KIND OF PERSONAL.
- EXACTLY.
- YEAH, BUT WHAT YOU MAKE IS NEWS,
BECAUSE IT'S SO-- GIGANTIC.
- ALL RIGHT. WHAT DO YOU MAKE, REALLY,
ABOUT SAY 50 A YEAR?
- YEAH, ABOUT THAT. - WELL, OKAY.
THAT'S TWO COLUMNS A WEEK, ABOUT EIGHT COLUMNS A MONTH,
ABOUT $500 A COLUMN.
- IT IS?
- YEAH, IT'S A BUCK A WORD.
FOR EVERY LITTLE WORD LIKE "THE" AND "A,"
IF YOU HIT THE LETTER "A," IT'S A BUCK.
- I GUESS--I GUESS I'M DOING ALL RIGHT THEN.
- YOU SEE? - YEAH.
- OH, CAN I BORROW A QUARTER FOR THE PHONE?
- HERE. TAKE TWO.
HI, I'M RAY,
AND I LIVE HERE IN LONG ISLAND
WITH MY WIFE, DEBRA.
SHE'S GREAT WITH THE KIDS,
THE HOUSE, EVERYTHING.
OH, I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT.
WE'VE GOT A DAUGHTER, ALLY,
AND TWIN TWO-YEAR-OLD BOYS.
IT'S NOT REALLY ABOUT THE KIDS.
MY PARENTS LIVE ACROSS THE STREET.
THAT'S RIGHT,
AND MY BROTHER LIVES WITH THEM.
NOW, NOT EVERY FAMILY
WOULD GO BY ON A CONVEYER BELT FOR YOU,
BUT MINE WOULD, BECAUSE--
- EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
HEY.
- HEY, WANT SOME SANDWICH?
- HEY!
- NO, NO, IT'S OKAY.
LISTEN, MA, I NEED CONSTRUCTION PAPER.
ALLY'S MAKING VALENTINES FOR SCHOOL.
- OH, I USED TO LOVE VALENTINE'S DAY.
THEN I MET YOUR FATHER.
- I USED TO LOVE EVERY DAY.
- ANYBODY SEE TODAY'S PAPER?
- WHY? WHAT'S UP?
- I'M IN IT.
- "LARGE MALE SEEKS ANY WOMAN."
- THEY DISCONTINUED MY AD.
AND I HAPPEN TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND NOW,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT'S IN THE METRO SECTION.
- OOH, LET ME SEE, LET ME SEE.
[chuckles] OH, HERE YOU ARE!
- AND DO YOU SEE WHO'S AT THE OTHER END
OF THOSE HANDCUFFS?
- MY GOD--LEON.
[chuckling] LOOK, FRANK.
YOUR FRIEND LEON.
- YOU ARRESTED LEON?
MY LEON?
- TECHNICALLY NOW, THE STATE OF NEW YORK'S LEON.
- I'VE KNOWN THIS GUY 40 YEARS.
SINCE WHEN IS IT A CRIME TO SELL MERCHANDISE
AT FAR BELOW WHOLESALE PRICES?
- YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN HIS WAREHOUSE.
FAKE DESIGNER LUGGAGE, IMITATION JEWELRY.
MACINTUSH COMPUTERS.
[Robert and Marie laughing]
- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
DIDN'T YOU BUY MY ENGAGEMENT RING FROM LEON?
- RELAX.
HE ASSURED ME IT'S A ONE OF A KIND
FLAWLESS DIAMOND.
- THAT'S A FAKE.
- IT'S A FAKE?
- HEY, HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT'S A FAKE?
- WELL, BECAUSE I HAVE 300 MORE EXACTLY LIKE 'EM
DOWN AT THE STATION.
- I WANT ANOTHER RING, FRANK.
- YOU LIVE 40 YEARS WITH THAT ONE.
YOU CAN LIVE ANOTHER TEN.
- I DON'T THINK SO, FRANK.
I'M GOING SHOPPING.
YOU'LL BE AMAZED AT YOUR GENEROSITY.
- OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
- WHAT, WHAT?
- DEBRA'S RING IS FROM LEON TOO.
- YOU WENT TO LEON?
- I LISTENED TO HIM!
I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET MORE FOR MY MONEY.
I WANTED TO GET DEBRA A RING
THAT SHE COULD SHOW HER MOTHER.
AND LEON THREW IN A SET OF GOLF CLUBS.
- I GOT SNOW TIRES.
- OH, WHAT DID I DO?
I CAN'T HAVE DEBRA THINKING I DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT HER
TO GO TO A REAL JEWELER.
SHE'S WEARING GLASS!
- IT'S NOT GLASS.
IT'S GLASSETTE.
- I GOT TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT.
I GOT TO--I GOT TO REPLACE HER STONE WITH ANOTHER ONE.
A REAL ONE.
I'LL SPEND 1,000 BUCKS IF I HAVE TO, THAT'S ALL.
2,000 BUCKS.
- 2,000 BUCKS FOR A DIAMOND?
HEY, I KNOW ANOTHER GUY.
- NO MORE GUYS!
- LOOK, YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO TELL YOUR WIFE
YOU PURCHASED HER DISCOUNT ENGAGEMENT RING
FROM A CROOK, THAT'S ALL.
- I CAN'T LET HER FIND OUT.
SHE'S GOING TO THINK I'M A SLIMEBALL.
I'LL HAVE TO STEAL IT FROM HER.
HEY.
HERE YOU GO.
- OH, GOOD.
- THANK YOU, DADDY.
- HEY, LOOK AT ALL THESE VALENTINES, HUH?
WHERE'S DADDY'S?
- YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOURS FROM MOMMY.
- I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET MINE FROM MOMMY FOR--
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I GOT YOUR VALENTINE RIGHT HERE.
MMM. I LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU? - MM-HMM.
- A LITTLE WINE WITH LUNCH TODAY?
- WELL, TOMORROW'S VALENTINE'S DAY.
HEY, SWEETIE, DID YOU KNOW THAT DADDY ASKED ME
TO MARRY HIM ON VALENTINE'S DAY?
- WHAT DID YOU SAY?
- WELL, I THOUGHT ABOUT IT,
BUT I SAID "YES" ANYWAY.
[chuckles]
I LOVE YOUR DADDY VERY MUCH.
MM-HMM!
- AND I LOVE MOMMY.
- [knocking]
HEY.
- HEY, HEY, LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT.
WHOA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- DID YOU GET THE RING YET?
- NO, SHE NEVER TAKES IT OFF.
I'M GOING TO NEED A BONE SAW.
LISTEN, JUST DON'T SAY ANYTHING, ALL RIGHT?
NOTHING.
- YEAH, IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU, RAYMOND.
HEY, DEBRA, LOOK, I, UH,
I HAVE TO ASK YOUR ADVICE ON SOMETHING.
- SURE, ROBERT.
- WELL, I'VE BEEN OUT WITH AMY ON FOUR DATES NOW,
AND AM I OBLIGATED
TO GET HER SOMETHING FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?
- OH, WELL, I MEAN, IF IT HELPS YOU,
SHE'S GETTING YOU SOMETHING.
- THAT DOESN'T HELP ME. - NO.
- DO YOU KNOW WHAT HER FAVORITE COLOR IS?
- IT'S GREEN, I THINK, YEAH.
- GREEN, OKAY, GOOD.
WHAT DOES SHE WEIGH?
- UH, I DON'T KNOW.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? MOST WOMEN LIKE JEWELRY.
- YEAH, JEWELRY'S A GREAT GIFT.
ISN'T IT, RAYMOND?
- YEAH, YOU REALLY CAN'T GO WRONG WITH JEWELRY.
HEY, ALLY, LET'S GET SOME ENVELOPES FOR THESE, OKAY.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT JEWELRY FOR?
- SHE BROUGHT IT UP.
- [whispers] DEBRA.
HONEY.
HAVE YOU BEEN GAINING WEIGHT?
[clears throat]
[groans softly]
OH!
HI.
WANT TO PLAY BAKER IN THE MINESHAFT?
- OKAY.
BUT I GET TO BE THE BAKER THIS TIME.
[mouthing]
- MORNING.
HEY, THAT WAS FUN LAST NIGHT.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
- YOU WERE VERY ROMANTIC, RAY.
I LOVE THE WAY YOU KEPT HOLDING MY HAND.
- YEAH, WELL, IT'S--
IT'S THE WAY I DO IT.
- RAY.
- [grunting]
WHAT? WHAT?
- HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
- HA, HA, YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH.
YOU TOO.
- CAN YOU HAND ME A TOWEL, RAY?
[loud thumps]
[crash]
[clatter]
RAY?
[knock on door]
AMY! HI.
HELP ME LOOK.
- I JUST CAME BY-- WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR?
- MY ENGAGEMENT RING.
- I MIGHT NOT BE THE BEST PERSON TO HELP.
I'VE SPENT THE LAST TEN YEARS LOOKING FOR AN ENGAGEMENT RING.
- IT COULDN'T HAVE JUST DISAPPEARED.
I MEAN, HOW--
- OH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
IT'LL BE THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK.
- OF COURSE IT'LL BE THE LAST PLACE I LOOK,
BECAUSE ONCE I FIND IT,
I WON'T HAVE TO LOOK FOR IT ANYMORE!
I'M SORRY. I'M JUST A LITTLE--
- BITCHY? - YEAH, THAT.
MAYBE I'LL DO THE KITCHEN AGAIN.
[knock on door]
- SAW YOUR CAR.
- THOUGHT I'D SAY HI TO DEBRA BEFORE OUR DATE.
- HEY, DEBRA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- SHE CAN'T FIND HER RING.
- OH?
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
- HERE.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
- THANK YOU.
- IT'S A TIE.
SEE THE PATTERN?
I PICKED IT OUT JUST FOR YOU:
LITTLE GUNS.
- SMITH & WESSON 686 WITH A 2-POUND TRIGGER PULL.
STANDARD POLICE ISSUE.
I LOVE IT.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, AND HERE--
THAT'S FOR YOU.
- OH, ROBERT!
LOOK, DEBRA, ROBERT GOT ME SOMETHING.
- YEAH, GOOD FOR YOU.
LISTEN, IF ANYBODY NEEDS ME,
I WILL BE IN THE DEN PULLING UP CARPETING.
- HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
- OH, MY.
- SURPRISE!
IT'S AN IGUANA.
- YOU KNOW, WITH AN IGUANA,
YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE TO SAY "SURPRISE."
- WELL, DEBRA TOLD ME THAT GREEN WAS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR.
AND YOU KNOW, THE IGUANAS ARE THE MOST LOYAL
OF ALL THE REPTILES.
AND, UH, CHECK HIM OUT, SEE?
- AH!
- LOVELY, LOVELY GUY.
HE'S VERY, VERY, VERY DOCILE.
- DID YOU FIND MY RING?
OH, JUST A LIZARD.
- HONEY.
DEBRA.
- RAY?
- HI.
THERE YOU GO.
HAPPY--YOU KNOW.
- [sobs]
OH, THESE ARE BEAUTIFUL, RAY.
- I CRIED TOO.
ROSES ARE TWICE AS MUCH ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
- LISTEN, RAY.
I HAVE, UH, SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
WELL, I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE, BUT I--
I THINK I'VE LOST MY ENGAGEMENT RING.
[sobs]
- AW, AW.
AW, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, DON'T WORRY.
I'M SURE IT'LL TURN UP, HUH?
DID YOU LOOK IN THE SOFA?
- I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA FIND IT.
OH, GOD, I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN ONE DAY.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, DON'T WORRY.
- NO, LISTEN, RAY.
I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE TO YOU.
RIGHT AFTER WE GOT ENGAGED,
I HAD THE ORIGINAL STONE REPLACED.
- WHAT?
- HONEY, WHEN YOU ASKED ME TO MARRY YOU,
I WAS SO HAPPY, BELIEVE ME.
BUT THAT DIAMOND,
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I--
I KNEW YOU GOT THE BEST STONE YOU COULD AFFORD,
BLESS YOUR HEART.
BUT, WELL, LIKE, YOU KNOW, MY PARENTS
WEREN'T THAT CRAZY ABOUT YOU TO BEGIN WITH,
AND I DIDN'T WANT TO SHOW 'EM THAT STONE.
- I UNDERSTAND.
- YOU KNOW MY GRANDMOTHER ABBY?
SHE'D GIVEN ME HER RING YEARS BEFORE,
SO I PUT THAT STONE IN YOUR SETTING AND--
[sobs]
- DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH IT WAS WORTH?
JUST BALLPARK?
- OH, SWEETIE, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
- HOW IMPORTANT IS IT NOT?
- WHAT?
- HOW MUCH WAS OLD ABBY'S STONE WORTH?
- $15,000.
I COULD JUST KILL MYSELF, RAY!
- THIS COULD BE A MURDER-SUICIDE.
- I GOT TO KEEP LOOKING FOR IT.
- YEAH, YOU-- NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO, STOP LOOKING.
LISTEN, WE HAVE TO BE REALISTIC, OKAY?
THE RING IS GONE.
IT'S GONE.
ALL RIGHT? LISTEN.
ALL RIGHT, YOU MADE A MISTAKE, THAT'S ALL.
EVERYBODY MAKES A MISTAKE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE LUCKY.
'CAUSE--'CAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED TO A GUY
WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THOSE THINGS.
- OH! - DON'T LIFT THAT CUSHION!
STOP TORTURING YOURSELF!
IT'S GONE, THAT'S ALL.
LOOK.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE BOTH COULD USE RIGHT NOW?
PIE.
LET'S HAVE A LITTLE PIE WITH--
- OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I GOT TO STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS.
- OKAY. YOU KNOW, MAYBE IT'S IN THE--
OH, MY GOD! YOU FOUND IT!
OH, MY GOD!
GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME!
OH, GOD, OH!
OH! OH, RAY!
- YEAH.
- [laughing] - YEAH.
OH, WHAT A HAPPY MOMENT NOW.
- OH, SWEETIE, OH, COME HERE.
COME HERE! OH, LISTEN--
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU FIRST GAVE ME THIS RING,
I JUST KNEW WE WERE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER.
- KEEP THAT IN MIND.
- HERE.
YOU PUT IT ON ME, OKAY?
GO ON, PUT IT ON ME.
OH, MY GOD!
- THERE YOU GO.
- WHAT DID YOU DO?
- I, UH,
MEANT WELL.
- YOU CHANGED THE STONE IN MY RING.
WHERE IS MY GRANDMOTHER'S DIAMOND?
- JUST LIKE GRANDMA.
GONE.
- YOU THREW IT OUT?
- I-I DIDN'T KNOW THAT IT WAS A $15,000 DIAMOND.
I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A PIECE OF JUNK.
- SO YOU KNEW THAT THE FIRST RING YOU BOUGHT ME
WAS A PIECE OF JUNK?
- I WAS TRYING TO GET YOU MORE FOR YOUR MONEY, THAT'S ALL.
THIS IS YOUR FAULT ANYWAY!
- MY FAULT?
- THAT'S RIGHT!
IF YOU HAD JUST BEEN HONEST ENOUGH TO TELL ME
THAT YOU'D CHANGED IT,
THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO STEAL IT FROM YOU.
- YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE A GREAT THIEF, RAY.
YOU JUST THREW OUT $15,000.
WHO'D YOU GET THIS STONE FROM, LEON?
- HOW--
DARE YOU!
HUH?
- HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
- 'CAUSE I WAS TRYING TO FIX THE WHOLE THING!
- WHY, AFTER EIGHT YEARS, DO YOU TRY TO FIX IT NOW?
- BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, HUH?
WHY DID YOU CHANGE IT EIGHT YEARS AGO?
- BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!
- MOMMY, DADDY.
- HONEY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
GETTING READY FOR BED NOW, SWEETIE.
- LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN MY BACKPACK.
- WHAT IS IT?
- A VALENTINE.
KENNY GAVE IT TO ME.
- OH.
THAT'S REALLY SWEET, HONEY.
- IT'S STUCK WITH GUM.
- KENNY BLEW A BIG BUBBLE AND PUT IT IN THERE FOR ME.
both: AH.
- HE MUST REALLY LIKE ME.
- YEAH, THAT'S SWEET.
LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU GO UP AND GET READY FOR BED,
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE, OKAY?
HA, WOW.
LOOK AT THAT.
A WAD OF GUM ON A PIECE OF PAPER.
- YEAH.
CHEAP BASTARD.
[clattering]
[cat yowls]
[clanking, clattering continues]
OH, MAN. CAN WE TAKE A BREAK?
MY EYES ARE BURNIN'.
- NOT UNTIL WE FIND THE DIAMOND.
- [groans]
HERE'S A RING... FINGER.