Don't read at the table.
Hey, I'm reading that! I didn't finish!
No!
And stop playing with your hair.
You're gonna make it fall out!
You can stop worrying about my hair
'cause I'm going to shave the rest off!
- What? - That's right.
I'm shaving my head today.
Oh that's asinine!
It's not asinine, it's hip.
Hey, we're out of milk.
Help yourself.
Want to hear the latest?
Your father wants to shave his head.
Why don't you just stick your head out the car window?
- Where's my razor? - Oh, sit down.
We do not shave our heads in this house.
It's my house and my head!
I'm not going to be seen with you like that.
Another advantage!
I'm hiding all the razors.
You're not gonna shave your head.
Of course not.
I just want to read the paper.
Did you do that yourself?
They're coming!
- Hey. - So?
Did you read my thing?
The article? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Give me a second. - Okay.
Pretty good for a first try, huh?
What about the point of it?
Did you see the point I was trying to make?
Do you see the coffee I'm trying to make?
Come on, go. I'll be right there.
Okay. Alright.
Ah.
Alright. So, how are you?
How's everybody? Glad to hear it.
What do you think?
Okay.
- Ah-- - Oh. Ha-ha-ha!
You're drinking it now. Very funny!
You are hilarious!
What a funny friend I have!
Talk to me!
I like it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I just... I have some minor, minor things.
Oh, god, I'm gonna be a stat guy for the rest of my life.
Stop it, alright? It's very good.
Don't say that!
What? What do you think very good means?
Very bad!
Do you want my notes or not?
- Yes! - Alright.
Oh, my god!
Look at all the red marks!
This is a mob hit!
Andy, if you weren't my friend,
I'd say, "It's great," and just walk away.
Yes, do that!
Listen, listen.
What separates the men from the boys
is the willingness to take notes,
rewrite and make it better.
Okay?
I'm giving you the key to the mint here.
Alright.
Go ahead, I can take it. I want it.
Give me the key to the mint.
Alright. Look, right here, you get a little repetitive.
Oh! Oh! I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it!
I get it, thanks!
Okay, now here--
There's more?
- Yeah. - Can we take a break?
I'm just getting started. Don't you want to hear this?
I just... I just need a moment.
- Andy-- - I said a moment!
'Hey, Deb, where's my toothbrush?'
Oh, I threw the old ones out. I got a bunch of new ones
when I took the kids to the dentist today.
- 'So which one's mine?' - The red.
'I don't want to be red!'
Take the blue one.
The blue one is-is wet.
I just used it.
Ew!
You know, Ray, I used the soap in there too.
Not my soap?
I have no toiletries.
Oh, would you please, alright?
I already had to deal with three maniac kids
at the dentist today.
By the end of it I needed the Novocain.
I couldn't believe Geoffrey.
Yeah well, I had a bad day too, okay?
I had to talk to Andy about his article.
Oh, well, that must have been awful...
Sitting and talking with an adult. Jeez!
You should have seen it. Michael gets into the chair--
It was awful, okay?
You know how Andy wants to be a writer.
So I gotta help him.
Ray, I'm trying to tell you something here.
Okay, but, you know, I read his stuff
and then I got to think about it
and then I gotta make notes on his stupid thing.
Maybe it was your attitude.
What attitude?
"His stupid thing?"
I mean, did you call his article a stupid thing?
Not to him. To him, I said it was very good.
- Oh, God. - What?
"Very good," hmm? Yeah, I know what, "Very good" means.
What did you say about my stir-fry last night?
That was very good. Mm-mm, good.
'Yeah.'
Nice try.
I'm just saying it probably meant a lot to Andy
to get your feedback
and maybe you could have been a little bit nicer.
Hey, you weren't there, okay? I was very nice.
I tried to give him the key to the mint.
The key to the mint?
Oh, you didn't say that, did you?
It's an expression.
Oh, and you are the keeper
of the key to the mint?
No, I-I...
I happen to have one of the keys.
- Listen, I was very nice. - Was that the tone you used?
- There was no tone. - There's tone right there!
Yes, with you I'm having tone right now. Okay?
But with Andy, I was very nice.
I was very understanding. Very patient.
And then he embarrasses me by crying.
You made him cry? Ray!
He wasn't crying crying.
He was just kind of breathing hard and shuddering.
Oh, it was... Everybody was looking at us.
Oh, I'm so sorry
you had to sit next to your crying friend!
Listen...
it's a lot harder to watch the person in pain
than it is to be the person in pain.
You said that to me when I was in labor.
You were screaming.
I'm surprised you heard that.
Poor Andy.
Why do you think he gave you his article?
Because I'm a sucker.
Because he looks up to you and respects you
and whatever you say to him, he's going to listen to.
Yeah, he didn't listen when I told him to stop crying.
Listen, you know, you are very successful
and he's just starting out.
And you really have to try to go out of your way
to be encouraging to him and kind.
Listen, you've got to understand that other people
have feelings too.
Alright!
Now can I finish telling you what happened to me today?
- What happened to you today? - At the dentist!
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go.
Michael gets in the chair
and the other two wanna to get in first.
So that's when the fighting starts.
So Dr. Gibbons gets up and tries to turn on the choo-choo train.
That's when Geoffrey kicks him!
Then they all start screaming...
The kids and Dr. Gibbons, the hygienist.
- Oh, no. - That's right.
No, no, not that.
I-I have a dentist appointment next week.
Ugh.
'What?'
'I listened!'
- Hey! - Hey!
I want to talk to you about the article.
Oh yeah, listen, listen.
Listen, last week when I gave you the notes
I think maybe I wasn't really thinking about your...
feelings or whatever.
No. No, no.
I wanted to thank you. I didn't take it very well.
No, no, no, you were fine.
And your article's really good.
And I wanted to tell you that you should stick with it
and, you know, I'll help you however I can.
Well, here's the good news. You don't have to.
"Sports Illustrated" bought it!
What?
I sent it over there and they bought it.
They're gonna print it! Can you believe it?
Yah!
Wow!
So I guess... Debra thought I wasn't being encouraging.
But I guess... I guess whatever I did kind of helped.
Yes, yes.
In a way, yes.
- What do you mean? - Well...
I didn't exactly take your notes.
I mean, I went home and I thought about it.
And I decided I liked the way I had it and I sent it.
Oh.
Wow.
How about that? Imagine that, man.
But thanks anyway. Your notes were very good!
- Hey, monkeys. - Hi.
- Hi, daddy. - Hey.
- 'Hi, daddy.' - Hi, hi, hi. Hey.
- How you doin'? - Great.
- Good. - Good.
- What's for dinner? - Fish.
Oh.
- What are the kids having? - Peanut butter and jelly.
Oh?
You're getting scrod.
Here's your mail.
Very nice. Very nice. Very nice.
Here's your "Sports Illustrated."
Very nice.
Wait a minute. What was that?
Oh, uh, I don't like it anymore.
So you're giving up reading altogether?
I still have cereal boxes.
Unless Count Chocula suddenly lowers his standards.
Do you want to tell me what's going on here?
Nothing. "Sports Illustrated" used to be good, now it's bad.
They have no credibility, no taste.
Oh, Ray.
Did "Sports Illustrated" reject you again?
No.
As a matter of fact, I'm proud of those rejections now
'cause that rag is amateur-ville, Jack.
They're publishing Andy's thing.
Oh, that's great!
No, it's not!
But Ray, you should be happy. Oh my gosh!
'Cause you helped him.
Oh, oh, oh.
He didn't take your notes, did he?
Ray, how did he get into the mint without your key?
He knows the janitor.
You can't even enjoy his success.
I'm enjoying it, okay?
It's just that, when that piece of crap
comes out in "Sports Illustrated,"
- Andy's gonna be impossible. - Ha.
'Cause he might think he's a real writer?
'Yeah.'
And he might get full of himself.
Right.
And he might think he's as good as you.
- You don't understand. - I understand.
Today was all about Andy and it wasn't about you.
- No, no, no, no. - 'Yeah.'
Come on, admit it. You're a little self-centered.
Self-centered?
Yeah, all you can see is how this news affects you.
And can I tell you something? This isn't just with Andy.
Where is this coming from?
It's coming from those of us orbiting around you.
You think I'm self-centered?
Me? Me? Me?
You know I... I work hard.
I try to make enough money to feed this family.
I have to put up with friends who ask my advice
and then ignore what I tell them.
- Daddy! - Then I put up with traffic.
- Then I have to come home-- - Daddy!
And explain myself to a wife
who thinks I'm this self-centered guy--
- Daddy! - Which makes me think that--
I hear her!
What is it, honey?
I have a thousand pennies.
Did you see that daddy was talking, sweetie?
And I would love to see those pennies later, okay?
Give me a kiss.
Huh?
No reading.
Hey, hey, what are you doing there?
I'm cutting an English muffin.
You don't cut it. You use a fork.
You don't use a fork to cut things.
- Not to cut, to split. - What?
Yeah, it says it right on the wrapper there.
Look at it.
"Fork split." Fork! With a fork!
All that means is they've split it with a fork at the factory.
If they split it at the factory it would be open already
and I wouldn't have to talk to you!
You want this or not?
Not now. Look what you've done with your knife!
Not only have you killed the crannies
you smooshed them into the nooks!
I'm gonna smoosh you into a nook.
- Hey. - Oh, hi, dear.
You want an English muffin?
- Don't do it, it's cut! - Oh stop!
Raymond, when they say on the box, "Fork split,"
doesn't that mean they've started it for you already?
You know, like in the factory with a fork?
Do you have any unopened toothbrushes?
Off course. You need a toothbrush?
Yeah, I need--
- A blue medium, right? - Right.
Robby!
Ma, Robby moved out.
'What, ma?'
He still has to do laundry.
Robby, go into the cabinet
and take out a new blue medium toothbrush for your brother.
'The blue mediums are mine.'
- No. - I'm taking them with me.
Robby, I said, get a blue medium
toothbrush for your brother and bring it down right now!
'Alright!'
I am not eating that!
Eat that damn muffin.
Hey, am I catching you at a bad time here?
No, dear, we're just having breakfast.
Here you go.
That's yellow.
- Oh. - Ma!
I said, "A blue toothbrush," Robby!
Why does it have to be blue?
'Cause that's what I wanted.
What about what somebody else wants?
Do you ever think about anyone else?
Have you been talking to Debra about me?
No, I've been talking to Debra about Andy.
I hear he got into "Sports Illustrated".
Wow! That's national.
Oh, yes, it is, daddy.
Hey, correct me if I'm wrong, Raymond
but hasn't that been a lifelong dream of yours
to get into "Sports Illustrated"?
How does it feel?
Listen, I'm happy for Andy, okay?
I'm not self-centered.
what? What? What are you laughing at?
Not self-centered? Hey, I love you like a son
but you always were a pig for attention.
"A pig for attention?"
Yeah, even as a baby
you would cry and cry and cry.
"Look at me. I got colic!"
'Yeah, yeah.'
Or how about every time you walk in the door?
You know, there's always a reason.
"I got married. I got kids.
"I gotta have a blue medium toothbrush."
- You're wrong. - Yeah.
When do you ever come over just to say hello?
The hello is implied.
Mom, am I self-centered?
- Of course you are, dear. - Uh-huh!
But you have every right to be.
'You're very special.'
Here we go. All aboard!
You are handsome, you are charming
you're successful.
You're a marvelous father and a beautiful son.
And you wonder how you turned out self-centered.
You're the one who's self-centered.
I slave over those muffins
and you don't even have the decency to eat it
because they're not sliced right!
How about you? I got to eat my muffin your way!
I'll eat the muffin.
No, you go upstairs and get your brother a blue toothbrush.
They're not all for you!
Oh, what are you saying? I'm self-centered now?
- You? - Oh!
Definitely!
"I can't buy clothes where normal people buy clothes!
"I need my own apartment.
Everyone shoots at me!"
You're the one that's self-centered!
Yes, he is. But you are too.
Thank you. Hey! I understand now.
I can live with yellow.
The goodbye is implied!
Hey! "Sports Illustrated," huh?
Ah, forget about "Sports Illustrated."
they rewrote my whole article.
- The whole thing? - The whole thing.
Yeah, but they bought it, right?
So they must have liked something.
Apparently they liked that it was about sports.
They just didn't like the words I picked
or the order I put them in.
Man, that stinks.
But who needs them, right?
Look, you did a good job and you should keep at it
and I'm here for you.
- Thanks, Ray. - Yeah.
I should have listened to you.
A lot of what those guys had problems with
was exactly what you had problems with.
Yeah... Oh yeah?
The "Sports Illustrated" guys, yeah?
They had the same problems?
Yeah but...
what did you do? Did you mention that I gave you the notes?
I might have.
Yeah, they know who I am, right?
I mean, do they know who I am?
Maybe, I don't know.
What did they say, though, when you mentioned me?
I'm not sure, Ray. I was kind of crying.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.
You weren't crying when you mentioned me, were you?
What the hell happened here?
Fork split.