- Ow! Hey! Hey! - Keep still.
Hey, come on. Try a little sensitivity here.
Too bad you're not a horse, we could shoe it.
Alright, let's get going.
'Hello, Raymond.'
Your father's ruined everything.
Wh-what happened to you?
I was bringing the suitcases down
and the bum knee popped out again.
You're so clumsy.
That's the thanks I get for blowing my knee out in Korea
making the world safe for your mother.
You told me you slipped off a massage table in Tokyo.
Nevertheless.
Well, what about the cruise now?
Okay, well, thanks.
Mom and dad are screwed.
Can't reschedule, and we can't get our money back.
Why not?
Because the discount package you made us get them
does not permit changes.
We can't go.
You happy now, Tiny Tim?
I'll go, I'll go.
- 'No, no' - I'll go. I'm going.
No, dad, don't, don't.
Ma, you could go by yourself
or call one of your friends. Call lee.
Lee can't go.
Stan's cousin the diabetic
is visiting from Arizona.
Well, you could always go by yourself.
- No. - Yes.
We got it for your birthday.
I know, dear.
And for once, you got us a very nice gift.
Come on, ma, you never do anything like this.
You bought all that cruise wear, huh?
Where are you going to wear that, around the tub?
No, not for me.
I couldn't bear to go alone.
Ma, this is a deluxe weekend cruise in Bermuda.
This is once-in-a-lifetime.
This is nonrefundable.
I'm sorry. It was a lovely gesture, really,
and we want to pay you back for the whole thing.
Hey!
No. Ma, you want to go, I want you to go.
Come on, what's it going to take to get you to just go?
I don't know.
Ah... Uh...
No. Ma, look, Debra would never let me do that.
I couldn't do that.
Now, that would be a real present.
Look, ma, I would love to go, but I...
That wouldn't be... Wouldn't be fair to Robert.
No, no, I don't mind.
I think it's fair. In fact, it's more than fair.
It's funny.
And, Robert, you could stay home
and take care of your father.
Also funny.
Oh, Raymond! Oh!
This day started out so good.
Did you do that yourself?
They're coming!
Oh, look how cute this is!
This is the deluxe package?
Alright, look.
I want to get mad, but I don't think
I can fit another emotion in here.
Oh. I'm going to bring Debra back one of these shower caps
to thank her for letting me have you for the weekend.
Yeah, the one thing she lets me do.
Oh, look how adorable this little toilet is.
Oh, that's great.
They stuff you full of food
and then they give you baby's first potty.
Come on. Let's just get the hell out of here.
- Single file! - No, no, no, no, no, no!
We're going to have a wonderful time.
Yeah? How you figure?
Well, for one thing,
we're going to spend the whole weekend together.
We can talk, you and me. Just talk.
Oh, Raymond, thank you for this lovely trip.
Knock knock.
Oh, hi!
Welcome to the "Star Princess."
I'm your social director, Ted.
Just a list of some of the super activities we've got going on.
Oh, God, activities.
Ooh! I've always wanted to do shuffleboard
and bingo and candle making.
Oh, good. Skeet shooting.
I'd like to sign up as skeet.
This-this is our first trip.
Oh. Well, then, sir, may I recommend
the deck by moonlight?
You and your lady might enjoy the gorgeous, panoramic view--
Whoa, whoa, whoa! "Lady?" Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is not my lady, okay? This is my mother.
Oh, sure, sure, sure. Mother. Done.
She really is my mother. Tell him you're my mother.
Oh, honey, look. Origami.
Look, what did you write there, okay?
'Cause I'm telling you the truth here.
Oh, it doesn't really matter, sir, we're at sea.
You have a grand time, you two.
Aah!
Lunch.
It's about time. I'm starved.
What?
You're-you're not limping.
Oh. Oh, yeah. Uh...
it's a miracle.
- Dad? - Honest.
I was watching one of those religious channels.
I pledged five bucks. Praise the Lord!
You faker!
The moaning and groaning and flopping on the couch.
Pretty good, huh?
What kind of a person are you?
I'm a very smart person.
Marie'll be much better off without me anyway.
And what are you complaining about?
You're free to go.
Everybody gets what they want.
I guess.
Everybody except Raymond.
God bless that magnificent bastard.
Let's eat.
Hey, now, this is what I call a vacation.
Three days of sitting in front of the TV, eating
napping on the couch, soaking in my new hot tub
nobody nagging at me
"Frank, take out the trash.
"Frank, cover your mouth when you burp.
Frank, that's no place for a q-tip."
I'm free!
I'm footloose and fancy free.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh!
Come on. You got the part.
I'm not kidding. I really popped it this time.
- You did not. - I did too.
Let me see.
You just had to dance.
Oh, there you are. Where have you been?
Bar hopping.
Waffle bar, omelet bar, tostada bar.
Now I'm doing clam shots.
Raymond, so many clams.
You should try the crab cakes.
Had 'em.
And the little eclairs were--
Had 'em.
Well, I'm amazed at how much
I can get done in the morning without your father.
I played bridge, I jazzercized and, look, origami.
Mr. Sassa thinks I have natural talents.
What's this made out of?
- Paper. - Oh.
And tomorrow we're making lotus blossoms.
You should come.
No, I don't know, ma.
Some scuttlebutt about a pie buffet.
And bingo starts at 4:00.
Oh, see, but I'm hanging myself at 3:00.
Come on. It'll be fun.
At least you could sit with me for a little while.
- Nah. - Marie!
Marie. Here's me in my wedding dress.
Oh, isn't that beautiful!
Dear, this is Mary Beth Yarosh from jazzercise.
I'm Ray from Lynbrook.
Mary Beth's on her honeymoon.
We've been working on our glutes.
To glute work.
You know, your mother's wonderful.
Yeah?
Oh, yeah. She gave me some great advice
on how to have a long and happy marriage.
Really?
- Long and happy? - 'Yes!'
She says it's important to remember
you're not just his lover, you're his best friend.
She's so smart. Thank you, Marie.
Oh, anytime, sweetheart.
And I'll see you at Tai Chi, okay?
Okay.
You told her you and dad were best friends?
I also told her that childbirth isn't that painful.
She's on her honeymoon.
She's got the rest of her life to be disappointed.
Okay. Smile, you two.
- Ooh! - 'That's a keeper, yes.'
We put these on display on the Lido Deck.
I think you put that one on the Poop Deck.
So, uh...
what are you and, uh, mom up to this afternoon?
You know, she really is my mother.
See, well, I wanted to play bingo
but I'm not sure Raymond is up for it.
Oh, well, you know, several of our cruisers have told me
they would love to share a bingo card with you, Marie,
that is, if Raymond doesn't mind.
Well, why would I mind? She's my mother!
Oh, well, then, fantastic.
We'll set it right up.
Oh, hi, Walter.
Marie, how are you, my dear?
- This must be Raymond. - Hey.
Hello. I got to know your mother this morning over bridge.
Nimble. Nimble mind.
Of course, I don't have to tell you that.
Oh, Walter, stop.
Yes, Walter, stop.
Marie, I'd be honored if you'd be my partner tomorrow.
- Oh, it's a date. - Great.
Your mother is one terrific lady.
Marie? Marie, we're ready to practice.
Can you play these?
Ah, they're from the "Best of Broadway."
Oh, girls, we'll be better than Broadway.
Oh, Raymond, you have to come to the cabaret tonight.
You know, life is a cabaret.
Oh, don't mind us.
We're just a bunch of merry widows, right, Marie?
That's us.
- I'll see you later. - Merry widows?
Yeah, see, all their husbands are dead.
But you're not a widow.
♪ How can I be what I ain't?
♪ I cain't
♪ Say
♪ No ♪
Thanks.
I appreciate your help.
I know there's a lot of other things you'd rather be doing.
That's okay, dad. I understand.
The important thing is, we got you there in time.
Damn calzone.
Robert?
You're not going to believe this.
What, again?
Alright, come on.
Hurry!
Okay.
Grab the newspaper.
Oh, yeah.
Ring a bell, and the whole world comes running.
I'm done. Help me out of this thing.
I got your macaroni and cheese on the stove.
I got to stir it
'cause you like your cheese evenly distributed.
Now, please.
That's it.
What? What are you doing?
'What's the big idea?'
I'll get you out when I'm good and ready.
- Well, I'm ready now. - But I'm not.
I am the father.
You are the son.
The son must serve the father.
Oh, yeah? You want to be served?
Alright. I'll serve you.
But first... I'm going to cook you.
What? What are you doing?
Robert.
Oops. Ha.
I didn't think you'd be up.
Do you have any idea how late it is?
I don't know, but who cares? We're at sea.
Where have you been?
With my friends.
We sang "Carousel"
and practically all of "Fiddler on the Roof."
I was Tevye.
Friends? Who, those merry widows?
'Uh-huh.'
And Ted and Walter and Mary Beth's husband.
We're all going to the discotheque.
Now, what'd I do with my evening purse?
Oh, here.
Have you been drinking?
No, but upstairs they're setting up
a whiskey sour fountain.
Who are you?
What do you mean?
You're-you're acting all...
I don't know, like a woo-woo party girl.
I'm having fun. Can't I have fun?
I'm not saying you can't.
I'm just saying it's a little... Hard to watch.
Well, I didn't know you were paying any attention.
You seem so busy trying to get on all the buffet lines.
You got to get there early, or they get picked over.
Raymond, stop eating.
"Stop eating"? See?
You've never said that to me before.
Come on. Let's go dancing.
No. No, I don't want to dance.
I'm not a dancer.
Alright, then, I'll see you later.
Wait, wait, wait. Ma, don't you think
you're overdoing it a little, huh?
Take it easy. Take a break.
Come on, we'll get something to eat here.
Look, room service. I got a tab running.
I don't want to stay in the room.
It's too small.
Well, what's so special about those people out there?
Nothing. They're just very nice.
They think I'm fun. They think I'm interesting.
They like doing things with me. They like me.
I like you.
Oh, I know you do, Raymond.
You know what?
We'll have room service for breakfast tomorrow.
I won't stay out long.
- Mom? - What?
Maybe I'll...
I don't know...
I'll go with you.
Oh, no, that's alright, dear.
- You don't have to. - No.
I want to.
You want to go dancing?
Well, I don't know about that
but-but we can hang.
Don't be-Don't be silly.
We'll fox-trot.
Look. No, I don't know how to do it.
Yes, you do. Yes, you do.
You remember your Cousin Jean's wedding?
I was 13.
Yeah, but you were very good.
Just follow me now.
It's step, step, quick step.
Count with me.
Step, step, quick step.
- I got it. I got it. - See, Raymond?
- You're marvelous. - Yeah, okay.
No.
Sure could go for some pretzels.
I'll get them.
Hi, boys. We're home.
Marie!
My Marie!
What are you doing up?
You shouldn't be up, honey. Sit down.
- I missed you so much! - Oh!
Sit down. Sit.
Oh... poor chi chi.
Did you miss me?
It's been hell without you.
Did Robbie take good care of you?
Oh, yeah,
I took care of him, alright.
He should be tender to the bone.
Thank you, Robbie, dear.
- Hey. - Hey.
How was your trip?
Yeah, not bad.
I'll tell you one thing,
if dad's the first to go, mom's going to do just fine.
Oh, yeah?
Well, if ma's the first to go
God help us all.
Hey, hey, hold on. I made this for you.
Yeah, it's...
- Huh. - Yeah, it's oriental.
Good.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
Putting on a few pounds there, huh, cubby?
Yeah, yeah.