Debra, did you...
...want something?
Uh...
Oh.
False alarm.
Don't get up.
Could you move over, please, a little?
Deb?
Debra.
Deb...
Oh...
Oh, no.
Get outta here.
Mo...
Ray, did you hear that?
What's all this? Did you sleep down here?
No, no. No, no. I just...
You know, I didn't wanna keep you up while I was reading.
Really? What were you reading?
- A book. - Yeah? Which one?
You know, the one with, uh
some people dying and there's a picnic, and...
Did you figure out how to unscramble the naked channel?
No! Did you?
Why are you down here? Are you okay?
Yeah, sure, sure. Whatever.
- What? - What?
You said "whatever" weird.
I say a lot of things weird.
What, you think you say it so perfect?
Ray.
Alright, look, look, the reason I came down here
is 'cause sometimes you're, you're too...
...on me.
- What? - In bed.
When we're sleeping, you don't stay on your side
and then sometimes I can't sleep.
Oh, what are you saying, I hog the bed?
I know you're small
but that's-that's in regular space, you know?
In bed space you-you're like
one of those things in the scary movies
with all the, the arms.
You know, arms, and...
And wherever you go on the spaceship
you can't get away from it.
"Hey, where is it? It's not over here." It's like...
Ah!
Ah, ah, ah...
Ah!
I'm sorry. I'll try to stay on my side from now on.
And not touch me.
- Not touch you? - Okay, great.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What the hell are you talking about?
It's just hard for me to sleep with touching.
Me touching you?
Oh, my God, Ray, you know, most husbands
like cuddling with their wives.
Oh, they don't.
Yes, they do.
No, nobody likes that, nobody.
The only time, the only time a guy likes cuddling
is if he thinks it's gonna lead
to, to lower cuddling.
I don't believe this.
When-when did this start?
When we started sleeping together.
So you haven't said anything for nine years?
Well, I-I wouldn't have said anything now.
Ha-have you slept down here before?
Well, just a couple of times. Listen.
Look, I don't have to do it anymore.
I'm happy just to suffer through it, that's all.
"Suffer through it?" Okay.
Alright. "Suffer" might have been the wrong word.
Look, the-the touching never used to bother me before.
It's just, maybe it's 'cause I'm older.
You know, things change.
Like-like, now I-I can't handle anything hickory-smoked.
Maybe you should get out of here, Ray.
You never know when I'm gonna touch you
in a non-sexual way.
- Oh, come on, don't be mad. - "Don't be mad?"
Look, you wanna know something?
I'll tell you the truth.
This whole thing is my grandmother's fault.
- Nonny Barone. - Oh, yes.
Of course, Nonny Barone, the woman
who brought dysfunction to America.
No, no, this is gonna sound dumb
but every summer we had to visit her in Yonkers.
She had this tiny apartment.
And, and Robert and I
we went to bed on the foldout couch.
All night long he'd be up against me.
I couldn't breathe. I was, like, suffocating.
And I couldn't do anything, I couldn't say anything
because he'd wake up, and then he'd laugh and try to crush me.
A-and-and if I screamed to stop him
Nonny Barone would come in and yell at me for the screaming.
You know, so most nights I just laid there awake.
That's it. I don't know.
I've never gotten over that, I guess. I'm sorry.
I never thought about it before
but that's got to be it, you know?
But listen, it's my problem, alright?
You just, you touch me all you want.
Uh, hug, cuddle, hug, snug.
Do it all 'cause it'll be good for me.
Oh, that's... No, it's okay.
I mean, I didn't know that, so I-I'll try to give you
some more room, okay?
- Hey, jambalaya. - Mm-hmm.
- Coffee? - 'Nope, no coffee.'
I drank it all. I am very tired.
- Really? - 'Mm.'
- Ah. - Where are you going?
Going across the street to get some coffee.
Oh, sure, have your mother think I'm so terrible
I can't even give my husband his morning coffee.
Oh, come on...
She thinks that already. Heh.
- Hey, Ray. - Hey. No coffee.
She drank it all.
- Oh, hi, Robert. - Hey, is Ally here?
No, she went to school.
She was supposed to take me for show and tell.
Today is things that begin with P.
Oh, police officer. Hm.
Hey, Deb, you okay?
No, I couldn't get
comfortable sleeping last night.
And you know what? It's all your fault. That's right.
How come you had to torture Ray at Nonny Barone's?
- What do you mean? - You know...
When you were kids and you
slept on the pull-out couch together.
We never slept on a pull-out couch together.
Yes, you did, at Nonny Barone's
little apartment in Yonkers.
Apartment? She had a nice house.
We each had our own room.
Oh, those were happy times.
Okay, I got some coffee
and a bag of mom's homemade jelly doughnuts.
- Ah... - Liar!
Really, they're from scratch.
You made up that whole story, didn't you, Ray?
Nonny Barone, the apartment, the pull-out sofa-bed.
You never slept with Robert, did you, Ray?
It was all a lie. You liar!
- It wasn't a lie. - Oh, Robert told me.
- Okay, it was a lie. - Why did you lie to me?
Because I didn't want you to feel bad
about me not wanting to touch you.
You don't want Debra to touch you?
Hey, Robert, do you mind?
That's right, Robert, my husband
doesn't want me to touch him.
Only in bed.
I, um, I, um...
I'm late for show and tell.
Yeah, and I am nuts for wanting to cuddle with you
or be anywhere near you in the first place.
- You need some help! - Honey--
No, no, no more honey. No more honey.
You don't want anyone touching you in bed, Ray?
- No problem. - Look, I just...
I can't sleep with you on me. Well, what do you want me to do?
Alright, just forget it, Ray, okay? I'm fine.
Jelly doughnut?
Yes.
It's a massacre in there.
Father Hubley?
What? Oh, Raymond.
Yeah. How you doing, father?
I, I was just in the neighborhood, you know?
- Uh, did you want something? - Yeah, um...
Listen, I'm just, I'm having this problem
and all the real shrinks are booked up for six weeks.
How flattering.
Yeah. So can I sit?
Not in my chair.
Okay.
It was kind of Debra's idea for me to talk to somebody.
We had this discussion. Fight.
Not really a fight. I mean, nobody got hurt.
Well, the jelly doughnuts. Yeah.
What did you and Debra fight about?
I'm having trouble sleeping with her. I'm...
Ah, wait a minute.
You have feelings for another woman?
No, no, no, no, no.
- A man? - No, no, no!
See, this is what the "wait a minute" is about.
I mean, I mean sleep, as in asleep.
- Oh, you mean actually sleep. - Yes. Thank you. Yeah.
You know, like, she's over here
and then, and then she moves over here, you know?
And I got to move over here and, and she touches me
and then, and then she hugs and then, and then she holds and...
Oh, believe me, you're better off without it.
Yeah.
Uh...
You know, maybe it would help
if we looked at this from Debra's perspective.
Why?
Well, to, um, understand
why she does what she does.
Why do you think she needs to touch you at night
when you're trying to sleep?
I got nothing.
Um, Raymond, I want you to close your eyes.
Why?
Close them. Close them.
Now try to imagine
that you are Debra.
I need new shoes.
As Debra...
...what is happening in your life
that makes you want to cling to your husband in bed?
Hold on, when I tap myself on this side
it sounds much more muffled than this side.
Open your eyes, Raymond. Open them. Open them!
Alright.
Sorry. Sorry.
Hey, where's my wallet? Kidding!
Raymond
maybe Debra's missing a sense of intimacy.
She may not feel close to you during the day
so she seeks out that closeness at night.
That makes sense.
What do you mean?
Do you touch her during the day?
Do you, uh, do you kiss her, stroke her hair, hold her hand?
Okay, see, we're married.
The need to show your loved ones how much you care
doesn't end with the honeymoon, Raymond.
I know.
You should express your love to Debra
all day long.
Go home and show her how much you love her.
Now.
Now? Now?
Now. Right now. Go. Go. Hurry.
- Alright. Okay, thank you. - Yeah, go.
- Thank you, Father Hubley. - 'Uh-huh.'
Thank you. Uh, bless me.
Oh, my God!
Frank, you're supposed to watch the children.
What does it look like I'm doing?
That one's about to spill something.
Hey, no, no, no, Geoffrey! Oh, alright.
Marie, just give me a second, okay
and I'll help you empty those bags.
Nonsense, dear. I know where things should go.
Okay, come on. Come on, guys.
Let's get out of this mess. Let's go.
Boys, come on, let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Out. Out. Out. Out. There you go. Ew!
Oh, God.
Hey, cran-apple.
Oh, you're here.
What? I'm just, I'm trying to say hello to Debra.
Hello.
So say hello.
Don't make a meal out of it.
You know, you could kiss me hello, Frank.
How about a kiss goodbye?
Do you mind? I'd like to be alone with my wife.
Why?
'Cause he's just trying to make up
for whatever it is he did
that was wrong.
What did he do, kill somebody?
Don't give me any ideas.
Hey, you.
Hold me closer, tiny dancer.
What are you doing, Ray?
Nothing, I'm just trying to show my loved one
that how much I care does not end on the honeymoon.
What?
Ray, come on, what, are you, are you, helping me or what?
Yeah, no, I'm just, I'm trying to, uh--
What, you're trying to make up with me?
I forgive you, okay? Get a mop.
I don't want a mop. I just wanna touch you a little.
- What? - No, that... Not like that.
I'm just, I'm trying to be generally affectionate.
Come on, get in on some of this.
Look, please.
Would you stop? Sweep up the Cheerios, okay?
Alright, but I want it noted
that I was trying to touch you.
I'm sure it will come up during the insanity hearing.
Where is all this coming from?
From God.
I guess I got to note that, too.
Actually, I went to see Father Hubley.
Father Hubley?
Yeah, well, you told me
that I should go see somebody.
And he told you to annoy me?
That seems mean.
He told me that I'm your husband
and I should be more affectionate.
And I thought I should be.
And, and I wanna be.
You really went to see someone about your problem?
- Yeah. - You did that for me?
Yeah, well, you know, 'cause...
You know...
Mushy banana.
Come on. Let's go wash our hands together.
- Goodnight. - Goodnight.
Oh...
What?
Nothing. I just...
I thought, with everything that I did today that...
...you know, you might not need me
to keep doing it at night.
That's why you were being so affectionate?
You're trying to get all your affection out of the way
so you could sleep untouched?
I need my sleep
'cause I gotta do it all over again tomorrow.
- Don't bother. - Well...
I... Uh...
Well, I can't sleep like this either.
Did it ever occur to you
that you could cuddle me?
Huh?
Why don't you hold me till I fall asleep?
And then you can sleep any way you want.
I could do that.
How long you think it's gonna take till you fall asleep?
It depends on how much
my husband has aggravated me today.
Oh, so I guess just a few seconds.
Yeah.
- Goodnight. - Goodnight.
So a policeman's job is to protect and to serve
and to make all of us feel safe.
I want to thank you for having me in for show and tell.
And, uh, are there any questions?
Are you a giant?
Uh, not-not really. Uh...
Any questions about being a police officer? Yes, you.
Could I climb on you?
Uh, not right now.
Uh, I think I have time for one more question.
Are you going to eat us?