Hey, is this a good movie?
No.
No, senor, no.
This is a girlie flick.
Too much talking, not enough shooting.
Are you hungry, senor Navel?
Si!
Alright, here you go, buddy.
Mmm, good.
Ray, I'm this close to crackin' you across the chops.
Hey.
- Is this a bad time? - No, no.
- Oh, no. Come on. - Look, Robert's here.
- Let's shut the movie off. - No, I don't want to interrupt.
That's okay. Ray's just talking to his belly button.
Senor Navel?
You know him?
I named him.
You're lookin' pretty spiffy there.
You got a hot date?
Uh, nah. I was over at the Holiday Inn.
They have swing dancin' on Thursdays.
Oh, that sounds like fun.
Oh, it could have been, but before you dance
you gotta get up the nerve to approach a strange woman.
Before you do that
you got to stop throwing up in the men's room.
What are you so nervous about? You've been dating.
Yeah, but that's datin'.
This is... dancin'.
- So? - Oh, yeah.
I know what he means. Dancing is different.
- You're very vulnerable. - 'Yeah.'
It's a big risk asking someone
if you can hold onto them for ten minutes.
All I want is five, and I get, "Get off me, I'm sleepin'."
Idiot.
He's right!
Oh, no. Shh.
Robert, I totally understand. I totally understand.
It's hard for a woman too
you know, waiting to be asked.
And then finally some guy starts approaching you
and then he asks the tall blonde standing next to you.
Yeah, tall blondes.
Thank God I gave those up.
Yeah, big shot.
And anyway, when's the last time
you took me someplace
where we weren't supposed to color the menus, huh?
I would love to go dancing.
Hey. Here's an idea.
Why don't you two go out and...
...you know, cut the rug?
Shake the... Shake the leg out of it.
Shiver your timbers.
What?
You two. Go. Dancing.
Out. Tonight!
But what about the kids?
What? What? Forget about the kids.
They're sleeping. Besides, I'm here.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Come on, look, you work hard.
You deserve to go out and have some fun, right?
I deserve to sit and watch a movie
that isn't about someone
having trouble saying "I love you,"
unless it's because they've been shot in the face.
Well, uh, what do you think, Deb?
You want to go dancin'?
I would love to go dancing!
- I'm gonna get dressed. - Alright.
Oh, I could use a mint.
Ho, ho, ho.
It is a great victory.
You have liberated the VCR.
Oh, my goodness.
Ray, hurry up. Get in here.
The giant bug is jamming
the stinger thing in the fat guy.
Oh, man. He's going to explode.
- Oh, no. - Oh, gosh.
Rewind that.
Raymond, I need to borrow vanilla.
- Hey, Mrs. B. - Ah.
Hello, Gianni dear.
Are you making your world famous cannolis?
Well, yes, I am.
Oh. When are you gonna dump that old man
and come back for me?
Just say the word, Gianni.
Yeah, please, one horror movie at a time, huh?
Where's Debra?
She's dancin' at the Holiday Inn.
Dancing?
Yeah, she's picking up a little pocket money.
She's swing dancing with Robert.
Oh, that's nice.
Robert's a wonderful dancer.
Yeah. Yeah, it works out for everybody.
She gets to dance.
I get to eat salami in the living room.
Amen.
What are they doing?
This isn't really your type of movie, ma.
Actually, I never see these.
I enjoy the action pictures.
What? Come on, ma. Since when?
You got that one step, though.
Like a... sort of like a Charleston thing.
- Sure. - Hey, hey! Marie's here.
- 'Hey, Gianni, how you doin'?' - Hi.
I tell ya, your brother really knows how to swing.
Oh, you were shakin' and bakin'
pretty good there yourself, doll face.
I mean, it was just so--
- It was, like, so... Whoo! - Whoo!
'No, no!'
Bullets won't stop him.
Flame his head!
Marie?
Oh. Oh, Debra, I need to borrow some vanilla.
Yeah, I think I have some in the spice drawer.
'Oh, honey, would you get it for me, dear?'
They're about to waste these mutants.
Yeah, sure. Robert, do you want a drink?
- You lead, I'll follow. - Okay.
Hey, Ray, you got any beer?
Yeah, yeah, I'll get you some.
Get me one too, dear.
You're gonna get drunk
and show us your tattoos, aren't ya?
Should we show him?
Yeah, yeah. Hey, Ray, look what we can do.
Ready? Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Oh, yeah.
Good. That's good.
You like how we turned around there?
I got to tell ya, Ray,
your wife here really wore me out.
Oh, look who's talking. I could barely keep up with you.
- Oh, come on. - Whoo!
Here, Marie. You can keep it.
But the bottle's still full.
Yeah, I think it's the one you gave me when we moved in.
Now I understand your Bundt cake.
Hey, here's a beer.
- Here, here you go, ma. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I got to hit the rack.
Goodnight, everybody.
Debra, thanks. I had a great time.
And I got to tell ya
I wasn't the slightest bit nauseous.
You were great, Rob. I'll see you Saturday, right?
- It's a date. - Okay.
- Bye, now. - Bye.
What's Saturday?
Yeah, listen, there is this great band
that's playing in the city, so Robert and I thought
it would be kind of fun just to go check it out.
Oh. Good.
- You don't mind, right? - No.
- Okay. - Yeah, what, are you kiddin'?
Mom and I can go to a cockfight.
So, uh, you and Robert, hey?
Yeah. Boy, I never knew your brother was so much fun.
Fun, yeah.
Ask him to give you a pink belly
or a purple nurple sometime.
- A what? - A purple nurple.
Get out of here.
Yeah, see? Not so much fun.
I had so many of those
I had to have my right one sewn back on.
Ew.
- Well, we had a great time. - Of course you did.
I'm sure you complained about me all night, right?
"Oh, Ray never takes me dancing.
"Ray doesn't hang up his clothes.
Ray can't say the word 'cinnamum.'"
No, we didn't talk about you.
Yeah? Well, good.
So my name didn't come up at all?
No, I told you. We had a good time.
Boy, I tell ya
it was so great to get out there and move.
You know, that dancin', it really got me goin'.
Boy, I feel, like, ten years younger.
Yeah? Well, I got a couple moves
make you feel born again.
Hey, Robert!
Yeah. No, nothin'. We're just in bed.
Yeah.
What are you wearing?
Yeah?
A zoot suit?
Oh, my God.
Then I'm gonna have to get something too...
Something flouncy.
Well, then don't throw me over your head.
Yeah.
You are so funny.
Okay. Alright.
Well, I'll see you Saturday.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Oh.
Whoo! I'm exhausted.
Goodnight, Ray.
I am gonna be sore tomorrow.
So then tomorrow's out too.
- Hey, Ray. - Hey, sorry.
Yeah, CPR doll.
Just practicing.
Is that a man?
They are gender indeterminate.
So what are you doing? Are you...
practicin' some of those fancy moves
you're gonna do with Debra?
Yeah, more or less.
But it's different with her because she's...
Got legs?
Well, yeah, but, you know, she's so good,
it's like she doesn't have legs.
- Oh, yeah? - Mmm.
I'm tellin' ya, she's good.
- Uh-huh. - I mean it, man.
You could not believe how good she is.
She is fantastic.
You know, it's like she--
Okay, I get it. I get it. I get it.
What's the matter?
Oh, nothing. I was just...
I mean, do you really want to be dancin' with Debra?
Yeah... I mean, what are you sayin'?
Nothing. It's just...
I don't think you should be dancin' with Debra, 'cause...
you know, she's... Holding you back, man!
Holding me back?
Yeah, from meeting the other women.
No, she's not.
Of course she is.
She does it all the time to me.
- I like that one. - Yeah.
That's good. That's funny.
So dump her, that's all.
Just dump her for your own good.
Dump Debra?
- Yeah. - No.
Come on, Ray. I can't do that to her.
She's really looking forward to Saturday night.
Is she?
Sure she is.
Isn't she?
If you say so.
No, listen. Come on, it's obvious
she was having a-a fun time.
You know, all the spinning
and the twirling and the whoo-whoo!
You know, seems like she had fun to me.
Yeah, yeah, she sure can put on a show.
W-w-what are you sayin'?
She... is she faking?
You know what? Forget it. Forget about it.
Forget the whole thing.
Look, the important thing is
that you're having a good time, right?
I guess so.
Anyway, alright. I'll see ya.
Wait. What, are you leaving?
Yeah, I just came by to say, "Hey."
So, uh, you know, hey.
Hey.
Okay, what do ya think? Huh?
- Kind of skimpy. - Oh, "Skimpy."
What, are you... going to a stripper's funeral?
I think this is great. Huh?
I mean, I get to go jumpin' jivin'
and you get to...
What are you doing?
I don't know.
Probably end up watching "The Brave Little Toaster."
Unless my mother comes over.
In which case we'll watch "When Animals Attack."
What earrings do you think...
These or these?
Well, what's the difference?
When that dress flies up,
nobody's gonna be lookin' at your ears.
Don't be such a square.
"Square."
gettin' a little sick of the swing talk, you know?
Jumpin' jivin', cat's pajamas.
Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah, she's here.
- It's your date. - Hey.
Hey, Robert!
Yeah?
Oh, that's terrible.
Yeah. No, no. Sure.
Yeah, yeah. I understand.
Okay. Yeah, well, good luck.
Okay, bye.
- What? - Damn! He canceled.
Really?
Well, why did he wait
until the last minute like that?
Some emergency...
You know, a rescue thing.
Some kid got stuck in a well.
- Stuck in a well? - 'Yeah.'
Who gets stuck in wells anymore?
I mean, are there wells in Queens?
Yeah, see, that's the thing.
People don't think they're there
and then they fall in 'em.
Well...
I mean, he said the kid's gonna be okay
but they need a tall guy.
'Yeah.'
Well, you know, going out with a cop,
I mean, that's the life.
He's already got a dance partner...
...danger.
What kind of parents are those?
You know, they've probably got
a safety latch on their sock drawer
but that big hole in their backyard...
"Oh, gee, we had no idea."
I mean, come on. Here's an idea for ya.
Childproof your damn well, you stupid morons!
Look, you know
I know it's not what you had in mind, but...
as it turns out, I'm here.
I mean, it is... It is Saturday night.
We could do something fun, huh?
Hey, you want to go dancing?
- Dancing? No, no, no, no. - Yeah.
No, no, I was thinking, like, Nintendo.
Come on, come on, we're gonna go dancing.
No, no, wait. Come on.
How about I'll give you a back rub and then some sex?
That could be fun.
No, no, no. We're going dancing.
Alright. Back rub, no sex.
No, no. I'm dressed. You're free.
We're going. Okay?
No, the kids. I'll call your mother.
Oh, come on, you hate her!
No. Come on. You know me and dancing. I'm no good.
I know you're no Robert, but I'll take what I can get.
Alright, back rub, no sex, and I'll vacuum!
Hoo, hoo!
Whoop!
Isn't this great, Ray?
It's like steppin' back into the 1940s.
Yeah. Can't wait to meet Hitler.
Come on, let's dance. We'll do the jitterbug.
No, how about we do the maypole?
Okay, I stand here, you dance around me.
No, come on.
I'll lead, and you follow, okay?
Ray, come on, you promised you'd try to dance.
That was at our wedding.
- Hey, you look thirsty. - I'm not thirsty.
Yeah, just stay here. I'll get you a drink.
Would you...
...like to dance?
Sure.
- Ah. - Robert?
- Raymond? - What are you doin' here?
Well, you told me Debra was holding me back
so I'm flyin' solo.
Debra's not here, is she?
Yeah, she is, and you lied to her about the well
so you'd better get out of here
unless you're dancin' with a soggy kid.
I can't let her see me.
Yeah, well, you're gonna be hard to miss in that pimp suit.
Come on, get out of here.
Why don't you two swing it outside?
Go outside!
- Robert? - Hey, Debra.
Got to dance.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Where are you goin'?
Pick up my trophy.
When you came over this morning
it just wasn't to say, "Hey," was it?
How come you told Robert
I was dancin' with him out of pity, huh?
- I never said, "Out of pity." - You said to dump her.
Look, it's just, you two, it was just...
What? Just what?
- I was... - What?
- You know. - What?
Jealous!
- Jealous? - Of us?
A little bit!
Because we're dancing together?
Not just dancing.
You're sweating, and you're panting,
and you're straddling,
and you're whoo-whooing.
- She's your wife. - He's your brother.
You are a sick man!
No, look, look... look, look, I didn't...
I didn't actually think anything was going on there.
I was just...
It's the music. It's the damn devil music!
I tell ya, it made me crazy.
Look, it's stupid.
I know. I know. I'm sorry. Forget it.
Forget the whole thing happened. Go.
You kids go. You dance. I'll watch.
I like to watch.
I don't want to dance anymore.
God, you killed it.
Nice.
I'm going home.
- Can I have a ride? - Yeah.
But it's okay, Ray. She'll sit in the back.
You know, I was watching you dance.
You might have a middle-ear problem.
Look, just try to put yourself in my place.
It's just because you were having so much fun, and I--
Ray, look, I told you. Let's just drop it.
I don't want to discuss this with you anymore.
How about me, senorita?
Will you talk to me?
No, I don't want to talk senor Navel either.
Oh, that wasn't senor Navel.
Well, for the next few days
you're gonna be talkin' to that guy by yourself.