- Hey. - Hey, Robert.
I just got off duty. I kind of need to talk.
What's the matter, Robert?
Well, I made this traffic stop that's kind of bothering me.
Amy was in the car.
- Oh, Amy the virgin? - Oh, Ray!
What? That's what she is, right?
Well, I'm not so sure anymore.
She was in the car with a guy.
They were all dressed up.
This was a date.
Well, Robert, you two did break up.
Yeah, and you've been going
on a few dates yourself, Mr. Luckypants.
Alright, Deb, tell me what you know about this guy.
- Uh... - Aheh!
I know she's been seeing some people
- But I don't know who-- - James P. Kitsos of Queens.
5'10", 165 pounds
hair brown, eyes green
not an organ donor.
Selfish bastard!
You know, Robert, it sounds like you kind of miss Amy.
Why don't you just give her a call?
- You think she wants me to? - You wanna call her?
- Do you think she likes me? - Do you like her?
Oh, my God!
W-why don't you wait till your acne clears up
and give her a ride on your skateboard?
Okay, you're right. You're right.
I gotta grow up.
I should be more mature about this.
Maybe I should take the boot off the guy's car.
- Amy. - Hi, Robert.
Hello.
- Hi. - Hi.
You know, I've been wanting to talk to you
since you pulled us over.
Listen, Amy, t-the ticket is written
but... he can contest it in court if he wants.
Oh, no, no, no. It's not that.
- He was speeding. - Yeah.
You look nice.
Thanks.
You want to come in?
You look good too.
Thanks.
You know, he's not an organ donor.
We only went out a couple of times.
Look, i-it's none of my business.
You know his mother owns that car.
Robert, i-it wasn't that serious.
I'm just thinking about your safety.
I know you are. Thank you.
Robert, I want you to know that
even though we were speeding,
there was never any...
...moving violation.
B-but speeding is a...
Oh!
"Moving violation."
Right.
So, um, you still haven't...
No.
Every time I date some other guy
I keep thinking of you.
Yeah, me, too.
I mean... well, you know what I mean.
Robert... you know...
I knew that was your speed trap.
I told him to drive faster.
I wanted to see you.
You didn't need him.
You could've driven yourself.
I would've pulled you over so fast.
I've already got eight points.
I didn't want to lose my license.
Pretty girl like you...
...would've let you off with a warning.
- Where are we going? - The bedroom.
W-w-wait, we've never...
And you've never, ever...
- Are you sure? - I'm sure.
Really?
Robert, I've driven around long enough.
'Beat it, Shamsky.'
And you too, you too, yeah.
No, stay. Finish your breakfast.
No, the least I can do is walk you to the elevator
and push the up button for you.
- You mean down. - No, no, I mean up.
'Cause that's the direction all angels go.
Maybe you should push down, 'cause you're a devil.
Don't start with that.
Oh!
Enough, already.
Excuse me, can I help you?
You want to help me? Close your bedroom curtains.
Oh, my god. Do you think he saw?
Hey, you know, you really disrupted
our bible study last night.
- Sorry. - We prayed for you.
I'm... using the stairs. I'll call you.
Okay, okay. Drive safely.
Hey, saw the show last night.
We're in 9J, if you...
...wanna give us a ring.
Hey, Deb.
Hi, Robert.
You talked to Amy.
- Did you tell anyone else? - No.
I swear I didn't tell anyone.
Hey-hey, Robert.
Ohh, whoooo! Whooooey! Whoooo!
You know too?
Deb, you said you didn't tell anybody.
She has to tell me. You kidding?
It's a rule of marriage.
A spouse automatically has the right to know
that you deflowered a woman
in front of your entire apartment building.
'Ray!'
It wasn't the whole building.
Well, you know, Amy isn't gonna be visiting your building
any time soon.
- If you know what she means. - I didn't mean that.
- She must hate me. - No!
Oh, Robert, she doesn't hate you.
In fact, she's been trying to call you.
Well, I haven't been home. It's too embarrassing.
And, hey, look at this.
These are up all over the building.
"Were you offended by the display?"
It's a petition to make bedroom curtains mandatory.
- I can't go back there. - Oh, you know what?
You can stay here for a few nights.
- What? - Yeah, until things calm down.
Hey, you could, you could stay at mom's.
Great food over there.
Here too, good food here.
No, I can't go over there. She'll want me to move back in.
Look it, she can't know I'm staying here.
No, no, no. We won't tell her.
Go ahead t-there's blankets and stuff in the hall closet.
You can stay downstairs in Ray's office.
Oh, great. Thank you.
Are you nuts?
What? It's just for a few days.
Yeah, that's what he told ma when he got divorced
and he stayed for four years!
It'll be fine, Ray.
Come on, he's gonna be all sittin' on the couch
and watchin' television.
And that's really your special job, isn't it, Ray?
You don't know. Just wait till his shoes come off.
- Oh, his feet are fine. - Yeah, fine.
If you're trying to jumpstart a vomit.
Oh, hey, Ray, I hope you don't mind.
I switched with one of your pillows
you know, because down gives me nightmares.
Of geese?
A goose will run right after you.
This is great, Ray. I gotta tell you, I really appreciate it.
Is this guy amazing or what?
Did you ever play guitar?
Just this.
I like your hands.
Aah...
- Uh, hey. - Huh? Ohh.
Hi, Ray.
Hi, Amy. Good to see you... again.
So, uh, what're you guys doing?
Nothin', just listening to some tunes.
You?
Oh, yeah, I got to print something up for work.
It's a tiny bit loud.
I can't even hear it now.
That's 'cause you listen to it too loud.
- I should go. - No, uh...
Ray, do you have to do this now?
Yeah. Yeah, sorry, okay?
It's just gonna take a second.
Go ahead.
hey, come on, come on.
Come on, don't jam!
You know what, I'm just gonna
I'm gonna go work on this upstairs, okay?
It'll still work, alright, it's not like I haven't...
Hello.
I brought lasagna.
- 'Robbie!' - 'Ma!'
- Oh, god! Marie! - Oh, my God! Oh!
Oh! Oh!
What the hell's going on?
Oh, ma!
Oh, why, Robbie? Why? How could you?
In Raymond's basement!
Marie, it's not what you think!
Oh!
Man, y-you just can't stop, can you?
Can't stop?
We thought everyone was asleep.
- Debra invited me. - Debra?
Yes, I mean, I said he could stay here.
And, look, they are two consenting adults
and that's what adults do.
The lucky adults.
Marie, why did you take the lasagna?
Holy crap!
Go ahead. I'll catch up.
Is this something you do?
You come to Raymond's to-to have relations?
Okay, I'm caught up.
I-I'm sorry I baked you a lasagna.
How did you know I was here?
- Ray squealed. - Raymond!
Come on, ma. You were supposed to make it look casual.
Lasagna's casual, it's not like I made steak pizziola.
I just wanted a little privacy.
Maybe you should've thought of that
before you and Amy did a puppet show
in front of your whole building.
- What? - What are you doing to me?
You are out of control, young man!
No, I'm not, ma.
Hard to make that argument without pants.
He gets that from you, you with your dirty magazines.
- One "Playboy." - For 29 years?
I mean, who keeps pornography for 29 years?
Anyone married to you.
He gets to have a "Playboy."
Marie, I can understand why you'd be so upset--
I thought you were saving yourself.
I was. I did.
Oh, Amy.
Amy!
Oh, I thought I knew you
but you had us all fooled, didn't you?
I mean, it wasn't like Debra
where we knew what we're getting.
Excuse me?
I can't believe this.
Amy, look, it's okay. You don't understand, ma.
Amy wasn't trying to fool anyone.
She cares about me.
She listens.
S-she doesn't laugh at me when I eat.
In fact...
...she's the most wonderful woman I've ever met.
What I'm trying to say is...
...Amy and I are in love.
Oh, my God.
You're getting married?
Uh...
Yup.
- Oh-ho, Robbie! - Wonderful!
Hey, that's great, man.
So you're moving out, then, right?
I couldn't wish for a nicer daughter-in-law.
Let's celebrate with some lasagna!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
We're not getting married.
Of course you're getting married, don't be silly.
That makes everything alright.
Robert, six months ago when I asked about our future
you freaked out and we broke up.
Now you're ready to get married just because you're afraid
of what your mother thinks?
Sometimes a mother knows best, dear.
Sometimes a mother should just butt out.
Hey, Robert, you gotta marry this one.
I will not be talked to that way.
Look, sorry.
I've had a very rough couple of days here.
I wait my whole life for the right time
and the right man to be my first
and now an entire building has a petition against me!
And then the second time I'm with my first
his mother walks in on us.
And now you're ready to get married
just to make her happy?
What is this hold she has on you?
See? It's not just me.
I can't even cry, because if I dab my eyes
my pants will fall down.
So excuse me, Marie, for not being polite!
And by the way
sometimes the noodles in your lasagna are overcooked.
Clearly, that is not the girl for you.
You understand, Robbie?
Robbie?
Robbie!
Where's he going?
Maybe his wallet's in those pants.
You see, Debra, huh?
Do you hear the way your friend talks to a mother?
I am so glad you introduced her to my son.
So am I, Marie, I think Amy is the best thing
that ever happened to Robert.
Ray.
Ray, you're supposed to follow me now.
I think your noodles are perfect.
I have never been treated so disrespectfully
in my whole life.
Frank, I'm leaving.
Coming!
- Hey. - Hey.
I know. I know.
You're in 9J.