- WILL YOU COME ON? WE'RE GONNA BE LATE.
EVERY TIME.
- COMING.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE GONNA MISS THIS GAME
JUST TO GO TO SOME STUPID SCHOOL PARENTS' NIGHT.
- YOU THINK I WANT TO?
I JUST WANT TO GO, SO I CAN GET BACK.
- YOU ARE SOME SPECIAL KIND OF LADY.
- WILL YOU COME ON?
- HERE YOU GO, BOYS.
- WHAT'S THAT? - JUST SOME SNACKS.
- OH, THOSE ARE YOUR CALZONES, YOUR HOMEMADE CALZONES.
AWW.
STUPID PARENT NIGHT.
- RELAX, RAYMOND. I'LL SAVE YOU SOME.
AND THEN WE'LL DANCE AROUND IN FAIRY LAND.
- THE CHEESE IS BURNING THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH,
ISN'T IT?
- I DON'T CARE.
- OH, DID YOU DO THAT YOURSELF?
- THEY'RE COMING.
[dramatic music]
- HEY.
- HEY, CAN WE GO? - NO, WAIT A MINUTE. COME HERE.
I HAVE SUCH GREAT DIRT. COME HERE.
- WHAT?
- YOU KNOW CHERYL KALER?
- NO. - WE'RE AT HER HOUSE, RAY.
- OH.
- SO SHE'S SHOWING ME AROUND UPSTAIRS, RIGHT?
AND I SAY HOW GREAT SHE LOOKS.
I DIDN'T REALLY THINK SHE LOOKED THAT GREAT,
BUT SHE WAS WEARING THIS TIGHT PINK OUTFIT.
SO ANYWAY, SHE SAYS, "WELL, I HAD A LITTLE WORK DONE."
AND I SAID, "OH?"
AND SHE SAYS, "YEAH, WHAT DO YOU THINK?"
AND SHE GOES LIKE THIS.
- YOU'RE KIDDING. - NO.
THEN SHE SHUTS THE DOOR, AND SHE LIFTS UP HER BLOUSE.
- WHAT?
OHH. WELL, WHERE THE HELL WAS I?
- SO I WAS JUST LIKE, I SAID, "WOW."
AND SHE SAYS, "THEY ARE SO NATURAL.
GO AHEAD. TOUCH."
- [gasps]
SHE WANTS YOU.
- I MEAN, SHE WAS, LIKE, ACTING ALL PROUD, YOU KNOW?
AND SHE TELLS ME THE WHOLE STORY,
HOW SHE DROPS THE KIDS OFF AT SCHOOL.
SHE HAS IT DONE IN THE MORNING; SHE'S HOME IN THE AFTERNOON.
IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
- YEAH, UNBELIEVABLE.
I'M DOWN HERE EATING BOWLS OF CRAP, AND YOU GET...
YOU GET "COME IN, TOKYO."
- WELL, THAT'S YOUR FAULT.
- THIS IS INCREDIBLE. WHICH ONE IS SHE?
- NEVER MIND. WE GOT TO GO.
'CAUSE I TOLD YOUR MOM WE'D BE HOME BY 10:00.
- WELL, NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT.
- I'LL GET MY PURSE.
- COME ON.
NO, I'M AN INVOLVED PARENT HERE.
- OH, HI...RAY.
- HI. YOU MUST BE CHERYL.
- YES. - YEAH.
- HAVE WE MET?
- NO, NO. NO, WE HAVEN'T, NO.
NOT UNTIL RIGHT NOW. YEAH. YEAH.
IT'S A GREAT PARTY, THOUGH. YEAH.
[clears throat] THESE ARE GOOD.
- HEY. - HEY, RAY, YOU MISSED IT.
PHENOMENAL GAME.
WELL, BUT AT LEAST I SAVED YOU SOME CALZO--
AWW.
SORRY.
- THAT'S OKAY. I DON'T CARE.
- SO HOW WAS YOUR PARTY, DEAR?
- WELL, IT STARTED OUT SLOW,
BUT THEN IT TURNED OUT TO BE THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.
- COME ON.
- TELL 'EM WHAT YOU SAW.
- NOTHING. - TELL 'EM.
- ONE OF THE MOTHERS IN ALLY'S CLASS HAD BREAST IMPLANTS.
- OH, I DON'T LIKE THAT.
- AND AT THE PARTY, SHE SHOWED 'EM TO ME.
- WHAT? - WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- WAIT A MINUTE. - SHE JUST SHOWED YOU?
- BOTH OF THEM? - SHIRT ON OR OFF?
- WITH A BRASSIERE? - WHAT WERE YOU WEARING?
- ALL VALID QUESTIONS.
- WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU GUYS?
COME ON. HOW OLD ARE YOU?
GOOD GRIEF.
WHAT'S THE BIG FRIGGIN' DEAL?
SHE TOUCHED 'EM.
- OH, COME ON. COME ON.
- THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.
- SEE, I EXPECT THIS FROM FRANK,
BUT YOU BOYS HAVE NO REASON
TO HAVE ANY INTEREST IN SUCH THINGS.
- WHY NOT?
- BECAUSE I NEVER NURSED THEM.
- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT IF YOU BREAST-FEED BOYS
WHEN THEY'RE BABIES,
THEY'RE GONNA GROW UP TO BE OBSESSED WITH BREASTS.
- THAT'S WHY YOU DIDN'T BREAST-FEED ME?
- THAT, AND THE TWO OF YOU WERE ALMOST THE SAME HEIGHT.
WE WERE GETTING LOOKS.
- OH, DEBRA, DEAR,
I'M CURIOUS.
WHAT WERE THEY LIKE?
- UGH. THEY WERE TOTALLY FAKE.
- WELL, WELL, GO ON. I MEAN, THEY WEREN'T FAKE.
THEY WERE REAL. THEY DO EXIST, YOU KNOW.
IF THEY FELL DOWN IN A FOREST,
THEY'D MAKE A SOUND.
- WELL, I THINK IT'S SAD WHEN PEOPLE START HAVING SURGERY
TO MAKE THEMSELVES BIGGER.
- MARIE DID IT THE NATURAL WAY.
POUND CAKE.
- I AGREE WITH MARIE.
I THINK A BOOB JOB IS A TOTALLY STUPID PROCEDURE.
- BUT FANTASTIC WHEN DONE PROPERLY.
- [laughing]
OHH. WHOO, BOY.
I DIDN'T THINK THAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN
AFTER THAT LOOK YOU GAVE ME DOWNSTAIRS.
- WELL, A RULE IS A RULE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GOING ON THE ROAD FOR A WEEK.
YOU GOT TO GET THE PROPER SEND-OFF.
- NOTHING PROPER ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST DID, YOUNG LADY.
- MMM...
SO, RAY...
YOU DON'T THINK I NEED A BOOB JOB, DO YOU?
- NO.
NOT IF YOU THINK IT'S STUPID.
- WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
- WHAT? NOTHING.
- REALLY?
- HEY, YOU KNOW I LIKE THEM.
- YEAH. OKAY, RAY, OKAY.
- COME ON. - ALL RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW I LOVE BARNES & NOBLE.
COME ON.
- IT'S FINE, RAY.
IT'S JUST FINE.
- I LOVE THEM.
- YEAH. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
- I ALWAYS LOVED THEM. - DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
- HEY, I'LL WRITE 'EM A POEM. - NO, THANK YOU.
NO, THANK YOU.
- I THINK THAT I SHALL NEVER SEE--
- OKAY, YES. THANKS. FORGET IT.
- DON'T GET MAD. I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY THAT.
I SAY A LOT OF STUFF. YOU SHOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME.
USUALLY, YOU DON'T.
- I KNOW. FORGET IT. FORGET IT.
IT'S STUPID. FORGET IT.
GOOD NIGHT.
- ALL RIGHT, GOOD NIGHT.
- HEY, NICKEL, I'M BACK.
DEB.
- YEAH, HI, HONEY. I'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE.
- OKAY.
- HEY.
SAW YOU PULL UP.
- WHAT'S UP?
- AW, NOTHIN' MUCH. HOW WAS YOUR TRIP?
- YEAH, FINE.
- YEAH. GOOD FLIGHT?
- YEAH.
- HOW WAS THE, UH...
THE WEATHER THERE?
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT GAME IS ON?
- SEATTLE, TAMPA BAY. DAD'S GIVING ME 7 1/2.
- WHEN ARE ONE OF YOU GUYS GONNA GET
YOUR OWN SATELLITE DISH?
- SHUT UP.
- SORRY THAT TOOK SO LONG.
OH.
HI, GUYS.
IT'S JUST THAT GEOFFREY WAS HAVING
THAT HUMPTY-DUMPTY DREAM AGAIN--
YOU KNOW, ALL THE KING'S HORSES AND ALL THE KING'S MEN
COULDN'T PUT DADA-DA-DADA-DA-DA, YOU KNOW.
HE JUST HAS A REAL HARD TIME WITH THAT ONE.
I THINK THAT'S WHY HE WON'T EAT EGGS, SO...
HOW WAS YOUR TRIP?
WHAT?
- NOTHING, NOTHING.
NEW HAIRCUT?
- NO. I AM USING A NEW CONDITIONER, THOUGH.
- LOOKS NICE.
ADDS BODY.
- LOOK, DEBRA AND I GOT TO TALK, OKAY?
SO GO AWAY.
- NO.
- COME ON, LOOK, I JUST GOT HOME,
AND I'M AWFULLY TIRED HERE, OKAY?
- WE'RE WATCHING THE GAME.
- RAYMOND, DEAR, OHH...
OOH, YOU MUST BE FAMISHED FROM YOUR TRIP,
SO I BROUGHT YOU SOME RAVIO...LI.
I--I'LL JUST GO WARM THIS UP.
- I'LL TAKE IT, MA. THANKS.
- YOU KNOW, DEAR, I'M THINKING
MAYBE YOU USE THE WRONG SETTING ON YOUR DRYER.
- LOOK, ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN, GUYS, I'M REALLY TIRED.
I'M TIRED HERE, AND DEBRA AND I,
WE GOT A LOT OF CATCHING UP TO DO,
SO IF YOU'D ALL BE SO KIND AS TO LEAVE NOW,
I'LL GIVE YOU EACH $1,000.
- NO. - OH, COME ON. COME ON.
COME ON. OH, FRANK.
STOP IT. COME ON, STOP IT.
COME ON. COME ON.
THIS IS NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.
- RAYMOND GETS EVERYTHING.
- I KIND OF WANTED YOU TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO SEE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- I THINK...
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU DIDN'T REALLY...
I WAS GONE A WEEK.
- YOU LIKE 'EM?
- I--I--I...
LET ME SEE.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I MEAN, NOT HERE.
DO YOU WANT TO GO UPSTAIRS?
- DO I?
- I THINK YOU DO.
- I THINK I DO. - OKAY.
I'M JUST GONNA BRUSH MY TEETH.
- I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.
WELL, HOW'S IT GOING IN THERE?
- I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.
[gargling]
[spits]
- OKAY.
[sniffs]
HOW YOU DOIN'?
- FINE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT REALLY POLITE TO STARE, RAY.
- SORRY. IT'S JUST..
WHAT DID YOU DO?
- I, UH, MADE SOME IMPROVEMENTS,
DON'T YOU THINK?
- REALLY?
YOU...REALLY?
I--I... THIS IS JUST...
YOU KNOW...
ONE TIME, I WENT ON THE ROAD, AND I CAME BACK;
YOU HAD THE DRIVEWAY SEALED.
I GOT A LITTLE TURNED ON WHEN I SAW THAT.
BUT THIS IS...
BETTER.
- IT IS BETTER...
'CAUSE YOU COULDN'T USE THE DRIVEWAY
FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.
- HEH-HEH-HEH.
OH, MY GOD.
- SO YOU'RE OKAY WITH THIS.
- OKAY?
- I MEAN, IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU THAT I LOOK DIFFERENT?
- HEY, LOOK, IF IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU,
THEN WHO AM I TO SAY, REALLY?
WHATEVER--WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR BODY,
THAT'S YOUR CHOICE,
AND I THINK THAT YOU MADE TWO EXCELLENT CHOICES.
- YOU'RE HAPPY, RIGHT?
- I JUST... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
- AH-AH-AH-AH.
- WHAT? OH. ARE THEY STILL TENDER?
'CAUSE I CAN BE GENTLE.
- OKAY.
WANT TO SEE 'EM?
- OH...YOU WANT TO SHOW 'EM TO ME.
- YOU MIGHT WANT TO BACK UP.
- HEH, YOU MIGHT WANT TO BACK UP.
- IDIOT.
- SOCKS? - YOU ARE A JERK.
- WHAT?
- YOU'RE REALLY DISAPPOINTED NOW, AREN'T YOU?
- I'M NOT...DISAPPOINTED. I'M SCARED.
- WHAT DID YOU THINK,
THAT I WAS GONNA HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY FOR YOU?
- YEAH--WELL, WHAT DO YOU--NO.
YOU SAID YOU DID.
- I DID NOT. YOU JUST WANTED ME TO SO BADLY.
- WHAT? WHEN DID I SAY THAT?
- THE NIGHT OF THE PARENTS THING.
- WHAT? WHAT'D I SAY?
- I ASKED YOU, "DO YOU THINK I NEED A BOOB JOB?"
AND YOU SAID, "NOT IF YOU THINK IT'S STUPID."
- OKAY, SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
- "NOT IF YOU THINK IT'S STUPID"?
THAT MEANS YOU DON'T THINK IT'S STUPID.
AND YOU JUST SAID, "TWO EXCELLENT CHOICES."
- I THOUGHT THAT YOU HAD SURGERY.
I THOUGHT I WAS BEING SUPPORTIVE, THAT'S ALL.
WHAT, DO YOU WANT TO COME BACK FROM SURGERY
AND HAVE ME GO, "EHHHH"?
- WHAT YOU SHOULD'VE SAID WAS,
"I LOVE YOUR BODY THE WAY IT IS,
AND YOU SHOULDN'T CHANGE IT EVER."
- I DO LOVE YOUR BODY THE WAY IT IS.
- OH, BALONEY.
ALL I HAD TO DO IS STUFF A COUPLE OF SOCKS IN THERE,
AND YOU'RE HYPERVENTILATING.
- THAT'S ENTRAPMENT. - IT IS NOT.
- YES, OF COURSE IT IS.
YOU'RE WALKING AROUND LIKE...
- OH, I DIDN'T DO THAT. I DIDN'T DO THAT.
- OH, THEN WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU DO?
SEEMS LIKE YOU WENT TO A LOT OF TROUBLE
JUST TO GET ME TO SAY THAT I LIKE BREASTS.
- BIG BREASTS.
- YEAH.
YEAH, OKAY, AND A NICE BUTT TOO. HUH?
I'M SICK.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SHOULD START WORRYING
IS WHEN I SAY I DON'T LIKE THOSE THINGS.
- YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH THOSE THINGS.
- I'M NOT THE ONE WHO HAD FAKE SURGERY.
- AND ALL THOSE TIMES YOU SAY, "HEY, YOU LOOK GREAT,"
IT WAS ALL LIES.
- OH, COME ON. I MEAN IT WHEN I SAY THAT.
ALL RIGHT, SOMETIMES I MEAN, "HURRY UP; WE'RE LATE."
BUT USUALLY, I MEAN YOU LOOK GREAT.
- RIGHT, RIGHT. - IT'S TRUE.
YOU ALWAYS LOOK GREAT.
IT'S JUST TONIGHT YOU LOOKED DIFFERENT GREAT.
- OH, GOD, I AM SO SICK OF THIS JUVENILE PREOCCUPATION
WITH BOOB SIZE AND PERKINESS AND CLEAVAGE AND...
I'VE HAD THREE KIDS, YOU KNOW?
THESE ARE NOT JUST FOR SHOW.
THESE WERE WORKING BREASTS.
- COME ON, HONEY.
AW, COME ON.
YOU SAY THAT LIKE THEY'RE RETIRED.
THEY'RE STILL USEFUL.
THEY CAN DO SOME OCCASIONAL CONSULTING WORK.
- FORGET IT.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE REALLY LIKE NOW.
- OH...
I REALLY LIKE YOU.
- I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY LOOKS ARE SO IMPORTANT.
I DON'T CARE HOW YOU LOOK.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- NOTHING. - NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I MEAN, YOU ALWAYS USED TO SAY THAT,
"OH, YOU'RE SO CUTE."
I'M STILL CUTE, RIGHT?
- RAY, YOUR BEING CUTE HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH YOUR APPEARANCE.
- THEN WHAT THE HELL IS IT?
- OH, NOTHING. I JUST MEANT, YOU KNOW,
I DON'T CARE IF YOU'VE GONE, LIKE, SOFT IN THE MIDDLE
OR YOUR HAIRLINE'S RECEDING
AND YOU HAVE THIS CONCAVE ASS.
CUTE IS JUST WHO YOU ARE.
- CONCAVE?
HEY, YOU KNOW, THESE JEANS ARE RELAXED-FIT.
IF THEY WERE REGULAR, MY ASS WOULD COME ALIVE.
- I DON'T NEED IT ALIVE.
I'M FINE WITH THE WAY YOU LOOK.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT.
- RAY, I HAPPEN TO LOVE YOU FOR YOU.
- I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT. I WANT TO BE A HOTTIE.
- SO DID I.
- YEAH, WELL...
YOU'RE A HOTTIE EVEN WITHOUT...THE SOCKS.
- OHH.
OH, YOU SAID I DIDN'T NEED SOCKS.
- ALL RIGHT.
I LIKE YOU AND YOUR BREASTS.
- AND I LIKE YOU AND YOUR BREASTS.
- WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT DID YOU SAY "BREASTS" FOR?
- 'CAUSE YOU JUST SAID IT.
- YEAH, WELL, YOU HAVE BREASTS. I DON'T HAVE BREASTS.
- PECS. I MEANT TO SAY PECS.
- I KNOW WHAT YOU SAID, AND I KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT.
YOU MEANT MY SAGGING BREASTS.
I'VE HAD THREE KIDS TOO, YOU KNOW.
- YOU WANT MY SOCKS?
- IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
I SAW A MOUSE.