[door opens]
- HELLO?
[doorbell rings]
[ringing continues]
- I'M COMING.
- HELLO, DEAR.
YOU BUSY?
- UM, I WAS JUST UPSTAIRS FOLDING LAUNDRY.
I'M TELLING YOU, IT NEVER STOPS.
- WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.
- SO DO YOU NEED ANYTHING?
- OH, YES, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAVE ANY NASAL SPRAY.
SEE, FRANK HAS GOT-- UH, UM...OH.
WHAT'S THIS?
- OH, IT'S A GUIDEBOOK
ON HOW TO TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT SEX.
- WHY?
- ACTUALLY, ALLY'S ALREADY STARTING TO ASK QUESTIONS.
- OH, REALLY? - YUP.
- WELL, MAY I ASK WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE
THAT SHE NEEDS TO ASK QUESTIONS?
- WHAT? NOTHING.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY MAKE ROBES THAT COVER UP A PERSON.
- WHAT?
- YES, WITH A ZIPPER.
- YOU KNOW, I HAVE--I HAVE TO GET BACK TO MY LAUNDRY.
- NO, NO, I'M REALLY SERIOUS, DEBRA.
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO INTRODUCE
A SUBJECT MATTER OF THIS KIND
TO AN INNOCENT CHILD?
- OH, LISTEN, YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY
WE'RE TAKING CARE OF THIS,
BECAUSE EVENTUALLY, SHE MIGHT ASK YOU A QUESTION.
- BUT I'M HER GRANDMOTHER.
- YES, BUT YOU'RE A PERSON; YOU'RE A WOMAN.
- OH, I DON'T LIKE THIS, DEBRA.
- SHE--SHE MIGHT ASK ABOUT YOU AND GRANDPA.
- WELL, IF SHE DOES, I WILL CHANGE THE SUBJECT
AND GIVE HER A COOKIE.
- IS THAT WHAT YOU DO WHEN GRANDPA ASKS?
[laughs] I'M SORRY.
- [laughs]
YES. NOTHING'S OFF-LIMITS.
- OH, MARIE, I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
- ANYWAY, HE DOESN'T ASK ANYMORE.
- REALLY? - LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THERE ARE A LOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN A MARRIAGE THAN THAT,
LIKE FRIENDSHIP AND TRUST
AND--AND KEEPING A NEAT HOUSE.
- OH.
OH, I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
- DEARIE, PEOPLE OUR AGE AREN'T PREOCCUPIED WITH THESE THINGS.
- SO HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU'VE HAD...
SINCE YOU STARTED FOCUSING ON THE NEATNESS OF THE HOUSE?
- I-I-I DON'T KNOW, 20 YEARS.
- 20 YEARS? YOU HAVEN'T--
- NO, NO, I WOULDN'T SAY NEVER.
I'D SAY... OH, ONCE A YEAR.
- ONCE A YEAR FOR 20 YEARS?
- YEAH, ON AVERAGE.
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, DEAR.
SOME DAY, THIS HOUSE WILL BE A LOT NEATER.
- GOOD NIGHT.
- RAY.
- WHAT? WHAT? I JUST WANT TO WATCH THIS.
WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
- YEAH, I WAS WATCHING THAT.
[TV playing]
- WHY DIDN'T YOU RESPOND TO ME?
- I SAID "GOOD NIGHT."
- HONEY, I'M TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION.
- ALL RIGHT, CAN YOU JUST GIVE ME ONE SECOND?
ALL RIGHT? THIS IS GOOD.
- IT'S A SCOTTISH GUY THROWING A LOG.
- FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP.
- WOULD YOU TURN IT OFF, PLEASE?
- ALL RIGHT.
- [sighs]
WE'RE TURNING INTO YOUR PARENTS.
- OKAY, WHICH ONE AM I?
- I'VE GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU, RAY.
YOUR SEX DRIVE IS DIMINISHING.
- WELL, IF YOU'RE MY MOM, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?
- I'M SERIOUS, RAY.
LOOK, I USED TO HAVE TO FEND YOU OFF EVERY NIGHT.
NOW IT'S DOWN TO LESS THAN ONCE A WEEK.
- NO, IT'S NOT. - YES, IT IS.
- NO, IT'S NOT. - YES, IT IS, RAY.
- OH, YEAH?
WELL, MAYBE IF I'M TRYING LESS,
IT'S BECAUSE OF ALL THE REJECTION, HUH?
YEAH, I'M LIKE THE MONKEY WHO GETS SHOCKED
EVERY TIME HE REACHES FOR THE PELLET.
- DO YOU REALIZE THAT FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS,
YOUR PARENTS HAVE ONLY HAD SEX ONCE A YEAR?
- WHAT? WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
- YOUR MOTHER.
- WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
WHY? WHY? WHY DID YOU TALK ABOUT THAT?
- 'CAUSE SHE SAW THE SEX BOOK,
AND WE JUST STARTED TALKING, AND SHE TOLD ME.
- WELL, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME?
- BECAUSE YOU'RE TURNING INTO YOUR FATHER.
LISTEN, THINGS STARTED SLOWING DOWN FOR THEM
WHEN THEY WERE THE AGE THAT WE ARE NOW.
- WE'RE NOT THEM.
- I JUST KISSED YOU, RUBBED YOUR CHEST,
KISSED YOU AGAIN IN AN IMPURE MANNER.
YOU NEVER TOOK YOUR EYES OFF THE TV.
TEN YEARS AGO, ALL I HAD TO DO WAS BE AWAKE.
SOMETIMES NOT EVEN THAT.
- I'M STILL--I'M STILL...
A SEX MACHINE.
COME ON, IT WAS JUST TODAY.
YOU KNOW, TODAY, IT WAS A LONG DAY,
AND THE KIDS-- I HAD A HEAVY MEAL.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T NEED EXCUSES.
COME ON, LET'S GO, RIGHT NOW, ME AND YOU.
LET'S GO, MANO A WOMANO.
- YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO DO IT
JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO PROVE SOMETHING.
- I DON'T WANT TO PROVE SOMETHING.
I JUST LOVE TO SEX YOU UP.
- ALL RIGHT, STOP IT, RAY. - NO.
- YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER WANT TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING.
- I-I'M READY NOW.
THE MONKEY NEVER LEARNS.
MORE CHEESEBALLS?
- YUP, AND KEEP 'EM COMING.
[sporting event playing on TV]
- IT'S FUNNY HOW YOU AND ME BOTH LIKE CHEESEBALLS.
- YEAH, I GUESS.
- YUP.
AND THE LADIES.
- THE LADIES?
- YEAH, THE BARONE BOYS, WE LOVE THOSE LADIES.
HEY, ANY ACTION LATELY?
- W-W-WHAT DO-- WHAT DO YOU MEAN ACTION?
YOU ASKING ABOUT ME AND AMY?
- NO, NO, NOT ABOUT YOU AND AMY.
YOU KNOW, JUST... FREQUENCY.
- FREQUENCY WITH ME AND AMY?
I DON'T THINK AMY WOULD APPRECIATE
HER NAME COMING UP IN THIS TYPE OF...
VENUE.
- ALL RIGHT, SO DON'T USE THE NAME AMY, YOU KNOW?
JUST TELL ME HOW OFTEN BETWEEN YOU AND "GAIL."
- COULD IT NOT BE GAIL?
BECAUSE I HAVE A SUPERIOR NAMED GAIL.
SHE'S A BEAST.
- ALL RIGHT, CALL HER WHATEVER YOU WANT.
I JUST-- - VANESSA.
- OKAY, FINE.
SAY, ROB, HOW ARE THINGS BETWEEN YOU AND VANESSA?
- OH, PRETTY GOOD.
- YEAH?
LIKE, HOW OFTEN WOULD YOU SAY
YOU AND VANESSA, YOU KNOW?
- YOU KNOW, TO BE HONEST, IT'S NOT LIKE IT USED TO BE.
- WHY? WHY? WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- WELL, NO, NOTHING.
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, YOU GET OLDER,
AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
IT'S NATURAL.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- WHY ARE YOU ASKING?
- OH, NOTHING, NOTHING.
- OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
RAYMOND, DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?
- WHAT DO YOU GOT FOR SNACKS?
- CHEESEBALLS, CHEESEBALLS.
- I'M IN.
YOU BELIEVE THIS GAME?
OH, HOLY HELL, SOMEBODY MAKE A TACKLE!
IT'S LIKE THEY'RE NOT WEARING CUPS.
- SO, RAYMOND, WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
- HEY, ROBERT, THIS IS A PRETTY GOOD GAME.
WE SHOULD JUST SHUT UP AND WATCH IT, ALL RIGHT?
- WHAT PROBLEM? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- NOTHING, DAD. NOTHING.
- WELL, SOUNDS LIKE RAYMOND IS HAVING
A LITTLE TROUBLE SOUTH OF THE BORDER.
- OH, YEAH?
MR. JOHNSON NOT SHOWING UP FOR WORK?
- THAT'S A GOOD ONE. THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THIS FOR?
- WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU WANT ME TO HAVE A LOOK AT IT?
- OH, MY GOD!
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, ALL RIGHT?
- RAY, LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK DAD WHAT YOU ASKED ME?
- WOULD YOU STOP?
- WHAT? WE'RE ALL MEN.
DAD, LOOK, HOW MANY TIMES WOULD YOU SAY
THAT YOU AND MOM-- - OH, SOMEBODY KILL ME.
- AND LOOK, BY THE WAY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL HER MOM.
- WE GOT A SYSTEM. YOU CAN PICK ANY NAME.
- ANOTHER NAME?
- YEAH, THAT WAY IT'S NOT EMBARRASSING.
- YEAH, I THINK WE'RE PAST THAT.
- HARRIET LICHTMAN.
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK, DAD, FORGET IT.
YOU DON'T GOT TO ANSWER.
I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER, ALL RIGHT?
YOUR SEX DRIVE DIMINISHES AS YOU GET OLDER.
- HEY, SPEAK FOR YOURSELF. - WHAT?
- LOOK, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT HARRIET LICHTMAN,
BUT AS FAR AS YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE CONCERNED,
THE SAINTS ARE STILL MARCHING IN.
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXAGGERATE, DAD.
- HEY, IN THIS DEPARTMENT, I SPEAK THE TRUTH.
- ALL RIGHT, YEAH, WHATEVER YOU SAY.
- NOT WHATEVER I SAY, WHAT IS.
YOU CAN SET YOUR CLOCK BY ME.
- YEAH, IF YOU SET IT EVERY 20 YEARS.
- HEY, HEY, HEY, A LITTLE RESPECT.
- LOOK, IT'S ALL RIGHT, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN, SONNY, IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE
MAKING THE WEE-WACKY-WOO-HOO...
YOU DID NOT GET THAT FROM ME.
- YOU WANT TO BE HONEST? LET'S BE HONEST.
MOM TOLD DEBRA HOW MUCH THINGS HAVE SLOWED DOWN
BETWEEN YOU TWO.
- WELL, I MIGHT NOT BE WHERE I WAS AT YOUR AGE,
BUT I THINK A COUPLE OF TIMES A WEEK IS PRETTY GOOD.
- COUPLE TIMES A WEEK?
- HOLY CRAP.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
AND NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
ALL THIS TALK HAS KIND OF PUT ME IN THE MOOD.
- WE SHOULD BE HAVING SEX THREE TIMES A WEEK.
- WHERE DID YOU GET THAT FROM?
- THESE ARE THE NUMBERS, MAN.
IF WE WANT TO BE DOING IT TWICE A WEEK 20 YEARS FROM NOW,
WE SHOULD BE DOING IT THREE TIMES A WEEK NOW.
- WHAT?
- MY FATHER TOLD ME HIS STATS.
- YOU TALKED TO YOUR FATHER ABOUT THEIR SEX LIFE?
- YES, I DID, AND LISTEN,
EVERYTHING MY MOTHER TOLD YOU YESTERDAY,
LIES, OKAY?
MY FATHER TOLD ME THE TRUTH.
IT'S THE EXACT OPPOSITE.
TWICE A WEEK.
- NO WAY! - YES! YES!
- NO! - YES!
- NO, THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE.
YOUR MOTHER TOLD ME, FLAT OUT, ONCE A YEAR.
- AND SINCE WHEN IS SHE EVER STRAIGHT WITH YOU?
- WELL, SHE DIDN'T LIE ABOUT THIS,
A-AND FRANK WOULD LIE ESPECIALLY ABOUT THIS.
- WHY? WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
- BECAUSE HE'S A MAN.
- SO? SO WHAT? I'M A MAN.
- YEAH, WELL, YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT OUR OWN SEX LIFE.
- WHEN? WHEN DO I DO THAT?
- WHAT DOES "ALL NIGHT LONG" MEAN TO YOU?
- IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH.
NOBODY REALLY MEANS THAT.
- MEN LIE, AND YOUR FATHER'S A LIAR.
- THAT IS NOT TRUE. MY MOTHER'S THE LIAR.
- RAY, SHE DIDN'T LIE TO ME ABOUT THIS.
SHE OPENED UP TO ME.
- OPENED UP?
SHE PLAYED YOU LIKE A HAWAIIAN ON A UKULELE.
- OH, YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE, YOU KNOW THAT?
YOUR FATHER MAKES UP A STORY, AND YOU JUST BELIEVE IT.
- BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!
- LISTEN, WHEN YOUR MOM AND I TALKED,
SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE--
- [singing] LA LA-LA LA
- RAY. - [singing] LA LA-LA LA
- RAY, I'M TELLING YOU.
- [singing] LA-LA-LA LA
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT. LOOK, IT'S ALREADY SATURDAY.
WE GOT TO DO IT THREE TIMES TOMORROW.
HI, MRS. SCARPULA.
- OKAY, LISTEN, I GOT TO ASK BOTH OF YOU A QUESTION.
- SURE, DEAR.
WHAT IS IT?
- UH...
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- UH...
- SHE--SHE WANTED TO ASK US SOMETHING.
WHAT IS IT, DEAR?
- UM...
- YES, WHAT IS IT, DEAR?
- WE'VE BEEN GETTING SOME CONFLICTING REPORTS,
AND, UH, WHAT WE WOULD BOTH LIKE TO KNOW IS
HOW OFTEN DO THE TWO OF YOU ACTUALLY...
- GO TO THE THEATER?
- HAVE SEX.
- [laughs]
OH, THIS IS AS BAD AS IT GETS.
- OH, MY GOD!
- MARIE, LISTEN, I WOULD NEVER ASK EXCEPT--
- DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF A PRIVATE CONVERSATION?
- YES, OF COURSE I DO, BUT FRANK SAID SOMETHING THAT--
- WHAT DID YOU SAY? - HEY, I DIDN'T TALK TO HER.
THANKS FOR BLABBING MY BUSINESS.
- WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU SO MAD ABOUT?
YOU WERE PROUD OF IT.
JUST SAY THE NUMBER.
- NO. DON'T YOU DARE!
HAVE YOU NO BOUNDARIES?
- LOOK, I DON'T CARE.
IF IT'S OUT IN THE OPEN, IT'S OUT IN THE OPEN.
TWICE A WEEK. - OH, FRANK!
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? DON'T LIE LIKE THAT.
- OKAY, SEE?
- HEY, WHO'S LYING? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
- WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION?
- COME ON, MARIE, I'VE GOT A REPUTATION HERE.
WORD OF MOUTH IS EVERYTHING IN THIS BUSINESS.
- I HAPPEN TO BE A LADY, FRANK.
- [titters] - OOH!
- [laughs]
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MARIE?
IS IT TRUE?
- YES, IT'S TRUE!
- WHAT?
- SEE?
EWW.
- WHY DID YOU TELL ME IT WAS ONLY ONCE A YEAR?
- BECAUSE THIS WHOLE TOPIC IS IMPROPER.
WHAT WE DO IN OUR BEDROOM IS OUR OWN BUSINESS,
AND I PREFER NOT TO BE KNOWN AS THE WHORE OF LYNBROOK.
- WE CAN MOVE FROM LYNBROOK.
- YOU KNOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND, MARIE.
WHAT ARE YOU SO ASHAMED OF?
- SHE'S ASHAMED TO ADMIT SHE LIKES IT.
- OH, FRANK!
HOW DO YOU KNOW I LIKE IT?
- WELL, WHO WOULDN'T LIKE IT?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADMIT IT, MARIE?
- YES, IT'S TRUE.
I ENJOY MY SEX LIFE.
ALL RIGHT? OKAY.
I MEAN, FORGIVE ME, BUT IN MY DAY,
A WOMAN DIDN'T DISCUSS THESE THINGS.
I MEAN, SEX WAS A WIFELY DUTY,
AND THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS
THAT YOUR FATHER HAPPENS TO BE...
VERY COMPETENT.
A-A-AND IT'S OBVIOUS THAT I'M A WOMAN,
AND I HAVE NEEDS LIKE ANY OTHER WOMAN.
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T BE ASHAMED OF SEX,
BECAUSE IT'S A VERY NATURAL PART OF LIFE.
AND IF I'M LUCKY ENOUGH TO STILL ENJOY
THE PLEASURES OF IT, THEN I'M GOING TO.
- OH, GOD.
- AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU CAME OVER?
- FRANK, TELL THE TRUTH.
IT'S NOT TWICE A WEEK.
- WELL, GIVE OR TAKE.
THE POINT IS, WE'RE NOT DEAD.
- YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS,
BUT I ACTUALLY WANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.
- GO AHEAD, DEAR.
- HOW CAN YOU TWO BE SO...
SHOULDN'T YOU TWO BE TIRED?
- WHAT'S THERE TO BE TIRED ABOUT?
I DON'T WORK ANYMORE.
WHAT ELSE DO I GOT TO DO?
- AND YOU'RE FORGETTING THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT THE SEX.
- OH, GOD.
- THE KIDS ARE OUT OF THE HOUSE.
[both laugh]
- YEAH, FOR YEARS, YOU WERE DRAGGING US DOWN.
- YOU REMEMBER THE NIGHT
WHEN ROBBIE WENT TO HIS NEW APARTMENT?
- [laughs]
- OKAY, COME ON, HONEY.
I THINK THERE'S A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH WITH OUR NAME ON IT.
HEY, UH, DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONAL,
BUT FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS, NO EYE CONTACT.
- SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- OH, STOP IT, FRANK. I'M TIRED.
- ALL RIGHT.
THE SOUP'S GOOD.
- SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- I JUST--I WANT TO,
BUT THERE'S STILL THESE PICTURES IN MY HEAD.
- YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO,
YOU JUST SHAKE YOUR HEAD LIKE AN ETCH-A-SKETCH.
[groans]
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- OH. - WAS THAT SOMETHING?
- THE KIDS?
- NO, MAYBE NOT.
- MOMMY!
[both groan]
- OKAY, I'LL GO.
- THANKS.
14 YEARS TILL COLLEGE.
- YEAH, I'LL SEE YOU THEN.