- WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
MICHAEL AND GEOFFREY ARE SO CUTE.
- [laughing] THANK YOU.
- THEY'RE VERY FRIENDLY AND HELPFUL
AND ALL THE KIDS LOVE THEM, I LOVE THEM.
- WELL, THANK YOU.
- THEY ARE VERY SPECIAL,
AND THEY'RE SO EXCITED ABOUT DOING A COMEDY ROUTINE
AT THE WINTER CONCERT.
IT'S SO CUTE!
YOU MUST BE VERY PROUD. - OH, YEAH.
- WINTER CONCERT?
- YEAH, RAY. YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT.
- OH, YEAH, I KNOW ABOUT THAT.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S WINTER ALREADY.
- HE'S BEEN PRACTICING THEIR ROUTINE WITH THEM.
HE'S THIS TOTALLY INVOLVED DAD, YOU KNOW?
- YEAH, AND IF YOU NEED ANY HELP
TELLING THEM APART, I'M YOUR GUY.
- WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S GOTTEN EASIER.
BUT THERE ARE SOME DIFFERENCES.
- YEAH, YOU START SEEING IT AROUND THE EYES, RIGHT?
- SURE, THAT, AND THEN THERE ARE SOME OTHER DIFF--
WELL, LET'S SEE. UM...
THESE ARE THE PRE-K ASSESSMENT FORMS,
AND HERE ARE SOME NUMBERS,
AND THEY BOTH KNOW THEIR NUMBERS,
BUT THEY EACH GOT THE NINE WRONG.
THEY SAID IT WAS A SIX.
THAT'S A COMMON ERROR.
- BUT, YOU KNOW, I GUESS,
IF YOU SHOWED IT TO THEM LIKE THIS, RIGHT?
I MEAN, IT COULD'VE BEEN UPSIDE DOWN.
- UH, NO. WE SHOW IT TO THEM LIKE THIS.
- OH. - BUT DON'T WORRY, IT'S A--
- COMMON. IT'S A COMMON ERROR.
- AND, UH, WELL, HERE ARE SOME LETTERS,
AND THEY BOTH KNOW ALL THEIR LETTERS.
- WELL, I DO THAT WITH THEM EVERY DAY.
[singing] A, B, C, D--
WELL, YOU KNOW THAT SONG. [laughing]
- YOU OKAY?
- SOMETHING BAD IS COMING.
AM I RIGHT?
- NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
LET'S JUST, UM-- OH, HERE.
THIS IS A TEST WHERE THE CHILD IS ASKED
TO CUT WITH SCISSORS ON THE LINE.
SO, HERE'S GEOFFREY.
- YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD THERE.
- YEAH. MM-HMM.
AND MICHAEL.
- MICHAEL JUST NEEDS TO WORK ON THIS SKILL A LITTLE.
- A LITTLE? WHAT, DID HE CHEW THE PAPER?
- MICHAEL JUST DOESN'T KNOW
HOW TO HOLD THE SCISSORS PROPERLY,
AND HE SEEMS A LITTLE RELUCTANT TO TRY.
- SO WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?
- IS HE STUPID? YOU SHOULD TELL US.
- NO, NO. NOT AT ALL.
THIS KIND OF THING IS JUST A SIGN OF SLIGHT IMMATURITY,
THAT'S ALL.
AND MICHAEL MIGHT BE JUST A LITTLE YOUNG FOR HIS AGE.
- BUT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IDENTICAL.
WAS THAT IT? IS IT JUST THE SCISSOR THING?
- WELL, SEE, HERE'S SOME SHAPES, WHERE THEY DRAW SHAPES.
SO, HERE'S GEOFFREY.
AND HERE'S MICHAEL.
AND LET'S SEE...
AND THEN THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO DRAW PICTURES OF THEMSELVES.
SO HERE'S GEOFFREY.
HERE'S MICHAEL.
AT FIRST HE DIDN'T WANT TO DRAW,
BUT THEN I TALKED HIM THROUGH IT
AND JUST LACKS A LITTLE DETAIL.
- THAT'S A NOSE? WHAT THE HELL?
- YOU KNOW, UM,
BOYS ARE JUST A LITTLE SLOWER TO DEVELOP THAN GIRLS.
- BUT GEOFFREY'S DEVELOPING ON SCHEDULE.
OH, BOY. MY FATHER'S GONNA LOVE THAT.
- WHAT?
SHUT UP.
- EXCUSE ME? - NOTHING.
MY FATHER THINKS THAT GEOFFREY HAS
HOMOSEXUAL TENDENCIES.
BUT, LOOK,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT HE THINKS.
HE'S STILL NOT SURE ABOUT ME. [chuckling]
- WELL, IN MY OPINION,
MICHAEL'S ONLY SLIGHTLY BEHIND THE OTHER CHILDREN,
AND I'M SURE HE'LL BE FINE TO MOVE ON TO KINDERGARTEN.
- BUT THERE'S A QUESTION?
- OH. WELL, NOT WITH ME,
BUT THE KINDERGARTEN TEACHER, RITA, WILL COME DOWN
AND MAKE HER OWN EVALUATION.
- SO MICHAEL MIGHT HAVE TO STAY IN PRESCHOOL
FOR ONE MORE YEAR.
- IT--IT HAPPENS SOMETIMES.
AND IT'S BETTER IF IT HAPPENS IN PRESCHOOL
BECAUSE THERE'S NO SHAME IN REPEATING AT THIS AGE.
- SURE. RIGHT.
BUT THIS KINDERGARTEN LADY, RITA,
SHE'LL MAKE THE CALL?
- YES.
- IS SHE TOUGH?
- UM, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- YOU KNOW.
[grunts]
YOU REALLY GOT TO LEAVE HIM BACK?
I MEAN, WHAT ABOUT THAT OTHER KID I SAW,
THE ONE LICKING THE BLACKBOARD?
- RAY, IT'S NOT A COMPETITION.
YOU KNOW, MY BIGGEST CONCERN
IS SPLITTING UP THE BOYS, BECAUSE THEY'RE SO CLOSE.
- WELL, I THOUGHT OF THAT, AND, YOU KNOW,
IF IT COMES DOWN TO IT,
THEY COULD BOTH STAY IN PRE-K ONE MORE TERM.
AGAIN, THEY'RE ON THE YOUNGER SIDE,
AND MOVING FORWARD AT THIS AGE ISN'T CRUCIAL.
- I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE THAT WOULD BE BEST.
I--WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- IS THE BOARD-LICKER MOVING UP?
[chilling music]
THEY'RE COMING!
[Beethoven's Ode To Joy playing]
[fire flaring]
[Beethoven's Ode To Joy playing]
- MICHAEL, LIKE THIS. LIKE THIS.
COME ON. LIKE THIS.
- I CAN'T.
- UH, YOU-- DON'T GIVE UP, YOU--
- HOW'S IT GOING?
- SHH. YES.
YOU CAN, MICHAEL. YOU CAN--THERE YOU GO, SEE?
NOW YOU'RE HOLDING IT. THAT'S IT.
THERE, YOU'RE HOLDING IT.
OKAY NOW, NOW LET'S CUT.
- I DON'T WANT TO.
- WELL, SURE, YOU DO.
THIS IS GONNA HELP YOU GET A GOOD JOB SOME DAY.
COME ON.
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
ALL THE MILLIONAIRES KNOW HOW TO CUT PAPER.
- OKAY, JUST CUT A STRAIGHT LINE.
GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD. CUT.
BUT NO, STRAIGHT--
GO STRAIGHT. GO STRAIGHT.
GO STRAIGHT, MIKE! STOP--SLOW DOWN. STOP.
GO STRAIGHT ACROSS, OKAY?
NO...NO, NO, NO!
- OKAY, HEY, HEY, HEY,
MAYBE--MAYBE THIS ISN'T A GOOD IDEA.
- NO, BUT HE DOESN'T CUT--
NO! - IT'S OKAY, RAY.
IT'S OKAY. - NO!
- I THINK IT'S BETTER IF HE DOESN'T ASSOCIATE
CUTTING PAPER WITH YOU FOAMING AT THE MOUTH.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST HELP HIM WITH HIS COMEDY ROUTINE?
- YEAH, YEAH. GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
THAT'S A FUTURE. "HEY, HEY, FUNNY BOYS!
"PUT ON THESE CHICKEN HEADS AND HAND OUT THESE COUPONS.
"DON'T WORRY, MICHAEL,
WE CUT THEM OUT FOR YOU ALREADY."
- HEY. - HEY, ROBERT.
- ALL RIGHT, MIKE...
GO UPSTAIRS AND-- HERE, PRACTICE CUTTING.
TAKE THE SCISSORS. GO. RUN.
- NO, DON'T RUN! DON'T RUN!
IDIOT.
- THIS IS HOW MICHAEL CUTS PAPER.
- SO WE HATE HIM NOW?
- HE JUST NEEDS TO WORK ON HIS FINE MOTOR SKILLS A LITTLE.
THEY'RE THINKING OF KEEPING HIM IN PRE-K
ONE MORE YEAR.
- REALLY?
INTERESTING.
- WHY? WHY IS THAT INTERESTING?
- OH, NOTHING.
- YOU GOT ANY DOUGHNUTS?
- DON'T GIVE HIM ANY! HE ALREADY HAD TWO!
I STILL HAVE COFFEE LEFT!
YOU REFILLED THAT COFFEE SO YOU COULD HAVE MORE DOUGHNUTS!
- SO SHE ATE THEM!
- THAT'S RIGHT, BECAUSE TWO DOUGHNUTS ARE ENOUGH.
- WELL, HOW MANY DID YOU HAVE?
- WHY DO YOU CHANGE THE SUBJECT?
- ALL RIGHT, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
I KNOW WHAT TO DO. I KNOW WHAT TO DO.
GET OUT!
- WHAT'S THE MATTER, DEAR?
- MICHAEL MIGHT GET LEFT BACK IN PRESCHOOL.
- WHAT?
- OH, INTERESTING.
- WHAT? WHAT'S SO INTERESTING?
- WHAT, IS HE STUPID?
- NOBODY'S STUPID, FRANK.
MICHAEL'S A LITTLE YOUNG FOR THE CLASS,
AND BESIDES, GIRLS MATURE FASTER THAN BOYS.
- OH, SO I GUESS GEOFFREY'S FINE, THEN.
- YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
- STOP IT, FRANK.
RAYMOND'S UPSET.
IT'S OKAY, DEAR. IT'S JUST PRESCHOOL.
- THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HIM.
AND IF HE HAS TO STAY, GEOFFREY WILL STAY WITH HIM.
- OH, THAT'S GOOD. - NO, NO, NO!
- WHY NOT, FRANK?
- LAW OF NATURE.
YOU GET LEFT BEHIND, YOU GET EATEN.
YOU'RE TOO SOFT ON THE KIDS.
YOU GOT TO PUSH THEM. PUSH THEM FORWARD.
JUST KEEP PUSHING THEM!
- UNTIL WHEN, FRANK?
- UNTIL THEY CRY.
THAT'S NATURE'S WAY OF LETTING YOU KNOW
YOU'VE PUSHED ENOUGH.
- HERE'S A MAN THEY LET HAVE TWO CHILDREN.
- RAYMOND, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE BOYS.
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL, SWEET BOYS.
THEY'RE GONNA FLY AWAY SOON ENOUGH.
- YEAH, ALL RIGHT, MA, LOOK,
I WANT THEM TO MOVE UP TO KINDERGARTEN
AND BE WITH THE OTHER CHILDREN.
- OTHER CHILDREN ARE OVERRATED.
BUT IT WON'T HURT MICHAEL AND GEOFFREY
TO STAY LITTLE ONE MORE YEAR.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT I DID WITH YOU.
- WHAT?
- IT'S FUNNY.
[laughing]
I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS,
BUT WHEN YOU WERE THE TWINS' AGE--
DO YOU REMEMBER NURSERY SCHOOL, USED TO BE ON JAY STREET
WITH THE PRETTY YELLOW FLOWERS OUT FRONT?
WELL, YOU AND I WOULD WALK THERE AND BACK TOGETHER
EVERY MORNING.
AND YOU WERE SO CUTE HOLDING MY HAND.
SO WHEN IT CAME TIME FOR YOU TO GO TO KINDERGARTEN,
WHICH WAS CROSSTOWN WITH A BUS,
I DECIDED IT WOULD BE NICE FOR EVERYBODY
IF YOU STAYED IN PRESCHOOL ONE MORE YEAR.
- YOU LEFT ME BACK?
- LEFT BACK FOR LOVE.
- THAT, AND YOU WERE SLOW.
I REMEMBER YOU COULDN'T EVEN CUT PAPER.
- HEE HEE!
- FRANK! - WAIT.
WHAT?
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?
- NOTHING, SWEETIE.
YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE YOUNG, TOO.
SO YOU STAYED THERE ONE MORE YEAR,
AND WE GOT TO WALK BY THE YELLOW FLOWERS SOME MORE.
- TH-THAT'S WHY I WAS ALWAYS THE OLDEST IN MY CLASS.
- YELLOW FLOWERS.
- YOU KNEW? - NO.
- YES, YOU-- OF COURSE YOU DID!
THAT'S WHAT WAS SO INTERESTING.
- OKAY, I KNEW.
- WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? - I DON'T KNOW.
- YOU TELL YOUR BROTHER THIS! - I COULDN'T!
- WHY? - BECAUSE.
- BECAUSE WHY? - BECAUSE I FELT SORRY FOR YOU!
- YOU FELT SORRY FOR ME?
YOU FELT SORRY FOR ME?
- RAY, IT WAS JUST PRE--
- GAH!
- I WAS JUST-- - GAH!
- OH-- - EE--NO!
- MAYBE I SHOULD'VE WAITED ANOTHER YEAR TO TELL HIM.
- DEB.
DEB.
- OW!
HEY!
- WHAT'S UP?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- AM I STUPID?
- IF THIS IS YOUR NEW WAY OF ASKING FOR SEX, THEN YES.
- COME ON, DON'T YOU SEE?
THAT'S WHAT I PASSED ON TO MICHAEL.
THAT'S MY LEGACY.
- NO, NO, NO. - THE DUMBNESS.
-YOU'VE PASSED ON OTHER THINGS.
YOUR LACK OF TUSHIE.
- HA. YEAH, VERY FUNNY.
YOU HAVE A STUPID KID, YOU DON'T EVEN CARE.
- HE IS NOT STUPID.
- THEN WHY ISN'T HE THE SAME AS GEOFFREY?
YOU CAN'T EVEN GET GOOD TWINS ANYMORE.
- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU THINK OF IT THIS WAY, OKAY?
MICHAEL IS THE WAY THE TWINS SHOULD BE,
AND GEOFFREY IS EXCEPTIONAL.
- GEOFFREY'S YOUR FAVORITE.
- YOU'RE KIDDING NOW, RIGHT? - ADMIT IT.
YOU'VE ALWAYS LIKED GEOFFREY BETTER,
AND THAT'S WHY MICHAEL'S GOOFY.
- GOOD NIGHT.
MAYBE IF YOU WERE AROUND A LITTLE MORE,
MICHAEL COULD CUT PAPER.
- AHA!
I KNEW IT WAS RIGHT THERE UNDER THE SURFACE, RIGHT.
SO I SHOULD GO TO WORK AND RAISE THE KIDS, ALL RIGHT.
IT SHOULD BE ALL ME.
YEAH, AND WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY--
I'M SORRY.
- EXCUSE ME? - I'M SORRY.
- THAT'S RIGHT, YOU'RE SORRY.
- THAT'S RIGHT, I'M SORRY!
- YEAH.
- I--LOOK, I JUST--
I WANT THE KIDS TO BE JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
- THEY ARE. - NO.
NO, THEY SHOULD-- THEY SHOULD MOVE UP
AND GO TO KINDERGARTEN AND BE WITH THEIR FRIENDS
AND KEEP UP WITH THE BOARD-LICKERS.
AND HOW ABOUT THIS? WHAT--WHAT IF--
WHAT IF ONE DAY GEOFFREY FINDS OUT
THAT HE'S THE SMARTER ONE?
HE'LL NEVER LET MICHAEL LIVE IT DOWN.
HE'LL GLOAT.
JUST LIKE ROBERT'S GONNA DO TO ME NOW.
HE'S GONNA GLOAT.
HE'S GONNA GLOAT ALL OVER ME.
- RAY, IT'S PRESCHOOL,
AND IF THEY HAVE TO STAY BEHIND,
IT'LL BE BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S BEST FOR THEM, RIGHT?
ISN'T THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT THEY'RE HEALTHY AND HAPPY?
- YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT EITHER ONE OF THEM, DO YOU?
- ALL RIGHT, GOOD NEWS!
I WENT DOWN TO THAT SCHOOL AND HAD A LITTLE VISIT
WITH THE KINDERGARTEN BROAD.
- WHAT?
- THAT'S RIGHT, I SCHMOOZED HER.
HEY, SHE'S A HUMAN BEING.
AND A WOMAN.
- OH, NO.
- AND BEING A WOMAN, SHE'S A SUCKER FOR THE OLD
"LOOK HOW MANY PHOTOS OF THE CHILDREN
GRANDPA HAS IN HIS WALLET" BIT.
[in a high-pitched voice] "OH, LOOK! THEY'RE SO ADORABLE!
"AND WHAT A CHARMING GRANDPA!
AND WHAT A DISTINGUISHED-LOOKING FOREHEAD!"
- SHE SAID THAT?
- I PARAPHRASE.
ANYWAY, THE REAL REASON FOR THE BIT IS
TO ACCIDENTALLY ALLOW A PEEK AT THE WALLET BEING EXTRA FULL.
- OH, GOD. - OH, NO.
- [chuckles]
- NOW, SHE DIDN'T GIVE ME A DEFINITE ANSWER ABOUT MIKEY,
BUT I SAW HER EYES LIGHT UP.
YOU KNOW, THOSE TEACHERS DON'T MAKE SQUAT.
[chucking]
- I DON'T--I ALWAYS TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE A TRAPDOOR
RIGHT THERE.
- WHAT, NOW YOU'RE MAD?
I DON'T GET YOU TWO.
I'M THINKING OF THE KID!
YOU KNOW, WE THOUGHT THAT LEAVING LITTLE RAYMOND BACK
DIDN'T HURT HIM ANY, BUT WHO THE CRAP KNOWS?
YOU COULD'VE BEEN A YEAR AHEAD IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW.
THAT CAR YOU'RE SAVING UP FOR?
YOU COULD BE DRIVING THAT TODAY.
YOU COULD'VE BOUGHT THE HOUSE A YEAR SOONER,
MET DEBRA A YEAR SOONER,
HAD THE KIDS A YEAR SOONER,
WHICH, IF YOU DID, BY THE WAY,
WOULD PUT MICHAEL RIGHT ON TRACK,
AND WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION!
- ALL RIGHT, JUST HOLD IT, FRANK.
DO YOU WANT TO HELP THE KIDS?
WHY DON'T YOU START BY SETTING A DECENT MORAL EXAMPLE?
NONE OF THIS MATTERS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
THEY ARE FOUR.
WE JUST WANT THEM TO BE HEALTHY AND HAPPY!
- GOOD LUCK ON THAT ONE.
- THAT'S WHERE YOU GET IT FROM.
- THAT'S GREAT, I'M GONNA BE STUPID AND BALD.
- HEY, CHUCKLEHEADS, LET'S GO, MAKE THE BEDS!
COME ON, ISN'T TODAY THE BIG WINTER CONCERT GIG?
- YEAH. - YEAH.
- YEAH, YOU'RE EXCITED, RIGHT?
SO LET'S MOVE LIKE LITTLE EXCITED PEOPLE.
- RAY?
- WHAT? - COME HERE.
I GOT THE CALL FROM THE PRINCIPAL.
- WHAT, ABOUT THEM?
- YEAH.
THEY THINK THAT MICHAEL
SHOULD STAY IN PRESCHOOL ANOTHER YEAR.
- OH...
SO THEN GEOFFREY, TOO?
- MM.
- YEAH.
- [sighs]
- SO THEN...
THAT'S OKAY, RIGHT?
I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT WE SAID,
HAPPY AND HEALTHY.
WE STILL WANT THAT?
- YEAH.
- UM. - YEAH.
- YOU OKAY?
- YEAH.
I JUST THOUGHT YOU'D BE UPSET.
- NO, I'M, YOU KNOW, I'M--I'M GOOD.
- GOOD. - YEAH.
- YEAH, THEY'LL BE FINE.
- YEAH, THEY'LL BE TOGETHER.
- YEAH, NO, IT'S--IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS, COME ON,
YOU'RE THE BIG COMEDY STARS TODAY.
- LOOK, DADDY, I MADE MY BED.
- YEAH, GEOFFREY, YOU DID A GOOD JOB.
MIKEY, YOU'RE DOING IT THERE.
GOOD.
HEY, MIKE.
COME HERE.
YOU LIKE YOUR SCHOOL?
- YEAH. - YEAH.
YOU LIKE SARAH, YOUR TEACHER?
- YEAH. - YEAH, ME TOO.
H-HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY IN HER CLASS NEXT YEAR?
- OKAY.
- YEAH? GOOD.
OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
IF YOU WANT TO, YOU CAN, OKAY?
- OKAY. - GOOD.
GOOD.
- DO I HAVE TO CUT PAPER NOW?
- NO. NO.
UNLESS YOU WANT TO.
- NO.
LOOK, I HAVE PANTS LIKE DADDY.
- HM.
YEAH, HOW ABOUT THAT?
JUST LIKE DADDY.
COME HERE.
all: [singing] JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS
JINGLE ALL THE WAY
OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE
IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH
[applause]
- THANKS, EVERYBODY.
AND NOW FOR A VERY SPECIAL TREAT:
THE COMEDY TEAM OF MICHAEL AND GEOFFREY BARONE!
[applause]
- HELLO, MICHAEL, I JUST FLEW IN FROM CLEVELAND.
- AND YOUR ARMS ARE VERY TIRED!
[laughter and applause]
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN SWIMMING SINCE I WAS THREE.
- AND YOUR ARMS ARE VERY TIRED.
[laughter and applause]
IF YOU'RE AMERICAN IN THE LIVING ROOM,
WHAT ARE YOU IN THE BATHROOM?
- YOU'RE A-PEEIN'!
[laughter and applause]
- THAT ONE WAS MINE.
- HEY. - HEY, WHAT'S UP?
- YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I GOT THAT GARDEN
GROWING ON MY TERRACE OVER MY APARTMENT,
AND I THOUGHT I'D BRING YOU GUYS SOME PLANTS.
- REALLY? ALL RIGHT, GOOD.
- YEAH.
I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THESE.
ENJOY.