- STOP IT! IT'S MINE! IT'S MINE!
- THAT'S ENOUGH FIGHTING!
EVERYBODY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
WE'RE GOIN' TO CHURCH. COME ON.
- [groaning]
- ALL RIGHT. OKAY, HERE. TURN THAT OFF.
- HOW COME DADDY NEVER HAS TO GO TO CHURCH?
- WHY DON'T YOU ASK DADDY?
- [mumbled] I HAVE TO WORK, HONEY.
- SEE? HE'S EATING HIS BUSINESS LUNCH.
- I AM WORKING. THERE'S A BIG GAME ON TODAY.
- I THOUGHT IT DIDN'T START UNTIL 1:00.
- OKAY, YEAH, BUT THERE'S A PREGAME.
LOOK, I DON'T TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB, RIGHT?
- ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, LET'S GO!
CHURCH TIME!
CHOP-CHOP.
- YOU USUALLY HIDE UPSTAIRS UNTIL WE LEAVE.
A LITTLE MORE BRAZEN IN YOUR BLASPHEMY.
- DON'T TELL HIM HOW TO DO HIS JOB.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
- HEY, WHAT...?
I DON'T KNOW WHY GOD
PUT CHURCH AND FOOTBALL AT THE SAME TIME.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, BRING THAT UP TODAY.
- COME ON, KIDS! WAIT UP; WAIT UP, KIDS!
- UNWASHED, UNSHAVEN, SCRATCHING HIMSELF.
ALL MY LOVE, ALL MY--MY CARING.
I POURED MY HEART INTO THIS BOY.
THIS IS MY ONE REGRET AS A PARENT.
- I'M THE ONE GOIN' TO CHURCH!
[gentle piano music]
- WHAT'D YOU DO THERE?
- THEY'RE COMING!
[Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" from "Symphony No. 9"]
[music stops abruptly]
[lock clicks]
[heart beating]
[mail slot door squeaking]
[Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" from "Symphony No. 9"]
- HEY, RAY...
- HEY, DEBRA, LOOK. LOOK AT THIS.
- WHAT?
- YOU'RE IN JAIL. LOOK AT THAT.
- GOIN' ON TEN YEARS NOW. YEAH.
HONEY, SHOW DADDY YOUR PICTURE.
- OH...DID YOU DRAW THIS? THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'RE QUITE THE LITTLE ARTIST.
- YEAH, TELL DADDY WHAT IT IS.
- NO, NO, NO. LET ME GUESS.
UH, THAT'S A BIG ORANGE WALL.
- IT'S FIRE.
- FIRE. YES, OF COURSE, IT'S FIRE.
IT'S A BIG WALL OF FIRE,
AND THAT MUST BE THE FIREMAN.
- ACTUALLY, ALLY TOLD ME IT'S A PICTURE OF HELL.
- YOU--
YOU MEAN "HECK," RIGHT?
RIGHT, ALLY?
SO IS THAT THE DEVIL?
- NOPE. IT'S YOU.
- ME? I--
I--I'M...
WHY AM I IN HECK, SWEETIE?
- BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT GRANDPA SAID.
- GRANDPA SAID THAT?
WHAT? GRANDPA TOLD YOU THAT I'M GOING TO HECK?
- HE SAID, "HELL."
- REALLY?
REALLY? WHY DID GRANDPA SAY THAT?
- 'CAUSE YOU DON'T GO TO CHURCH.
- GRANDPA SAID THAT?
WHERE WERE YOU?
- I WAS IN CHURCH.
- OKAY, I'M GONNA, UH,
I'M GONNA GO ACROSS THE STREET
'CAUSE, UH...
IF I'M GONNA GO TO HECK, I'M TAKIN' HIM WITH ME.
- MARIE!
- GO AHEAD, FRANK!
- [giggles]
SHE IS GOOD FOR SOMETHIN'.
MMM! MMM.
- ALL RIGHT, DAD.
WHY DID YOU TELL ALLY THAT--
- YOU WANT SOME CAKE? - NO.
- GOOD.
SEE THIS PICTURE, DAD?
IT'S A PICTURE OF ME IN HELL.
MY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER DREW IT
BECAUSE HER GRANDPA TOLD HER
THAT'S WHERE HER FATHER'S GOIN':
TO HELL!
WHAT KIND OF A MIND DOES THAT?
- MMM! THIS CAKE ALMOST MAKES MARRIAGE BEARABLE.
HEY!
- WHY DID YOU TELL HER THAT?
- I NEVER TOLD HER YOU WERE GOING THERE.
SHE ASKED ME WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE
WHO DON'T GO TO CHURCH.
I SAID, "THEY GO TO HELL, SWEETIE."
SHE MUST HAVE PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.
SMART KID.
- GO--GO OVER THERE RIGHT NOW
AND TELL HER THAT I'M NOT GOIN' TO HELL!
- YOU KNOW, I WOULD LOVE TO,
BUT I DON'T MAKE THE RULES.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? WHIPPED CREAM.
- HEY, YOU REALLY THINK THAT I'M GOIN' TO HELL?
- I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
- LOOK, HEY, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK, ALL RIGHT?
I DON'T WANT YOU TALKIN' TO MY KIDS
ABOUT THIS STUFF ANYMORE; YOU GOT THAT?
- SINCE WHEN DO YOU GIVE ME ORDERS?
- SINCE YOU CROSSED OVER THE LINE.
- HI, RAYMOND. YOU HUNGRY? HAVE SOME CAKE.
- I DON'T WANT ANY CAKE!
- WE HAVE WHIPPED CREAM.
- HOW ABOUT THIS, MARIE.
YOUR SON DOESN'T WANT ME TALKIN'
TO MY OWN GRANDCHILDREN.
- OH?
- THAT ISN'T WHAT I SAID.
- I'LL TALK TO ANYONE I WANT ANYTIME I WANT.
- UNFORTUNATELY, RAYMOND, THIS IS AMERICA.
- MOM, I DON'T WANT HIM TELLIN' ALLY--
- HEY, HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
ARE YOU TALKIN' TO MY WIFE?
- WHAT?
- DON'T TALK TO MY WIFE.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, DAD, DON'T BE CUTE.
- HEY, HEY, HEY, YOU WANT TO BE LIKE THAT,
YOU DON'T TALK TO HER.
ONLY I TALK TO HER.
HELLO, SWEETHEART. HOW ARE YOU?
- OH, I'M FINE, BUT, YOU KNOW, I HAVE A THING THAT--
- OH, STOP IT, MOM!
HE DOESN'T CARE HOW YOU ARE!
- HEY!
YOU'RE TALKIN' TO HER.
STOP TALKIN' TO HER.
- NO. IT'S ALL RIGHT, FRANK.
HE CAN TALK TO ME
UNLESS YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME SOME MORE.
I LIKED IT.
- I WAS JUST MAKING A POINT.
- DAD TOLD ALLY THAT I AM GOING TO HELL.
- FRANK.
- HE NEVER GOES TO MASS, MARIE.
IT'S AN OPEN-AND-SHUT CASE.
- YOU SEE? YOU SEE, MA?
- NO, YOU SHOULD GO TO MASS, RAYMOND.
- I DON'T WANT TO GO!
- WHY DO YOU HURT ME?
- LOOK, I DON'T MEAN TO HURT YOU, MOM--
- STOP HURTING YOUR MOTHER. GO TO CHURCH.
- NO! - OH! OOH...
OH...
- LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOIN' TO HER. GO TO CHURCH!
- NO, NO! I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
- "I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT."
THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH YOU KIDS TODAY.
EVERYTHING HAS TO FEEL GOOD.
DO YOU THINK WORLD WAR II FELT GOOD?
DO YOU THINK KOREA FELT GOOD?
IN MY DAY, NOTHING FELT GOOD!
- WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO YOUR DAY
AND STOP RUINING MINE?
- 12 YEARS OF CATHOLIC SCHOOL DOWN THE TOILET.
GO TO CHURCH!
- FRANK, YOU CAN'T JUST SCREAM AT SOMEONE TO GO TO CHURCH.
- WELL, 40 YEARS OF YOUR GUILT HASN'T WORKED.
- I NEED MORE TIME.
- LOOK, I--ALL I'M SAYIN' IS, FROM NOW ON,
IF ALLY ASKS YOU SOMETHING ABOUT RELIGIOUS STUFF
OR GOVERNMENT OR MINORITIES,
PLEASE REFER HER TO ME!
- HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?
IT'S EMBARRASSING. I'M IN CHURCH.
PEOPLE ARE SAYING, "HOW COME RAY'S NEVER HERE?
DIDN'T YOU RAISE HIM RIGHT?"
- THEY SAY THAT? - SHUT UP.
- YEAH.
LOOK, I'M NOT GOIN' JUST TO MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD.
- GO TO CHURCH! - NO!
- THEN THOU ARE DOOMED
TO SUFFER THE FIRES OF ETERNAL DAMNATION.
- SEE, NOW, I WOULD NEVER SCREAM AT YOU LIKE THAT, RAYMOND,
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOUR FAILURES...
ARE MY FAULT.
[spoon scraping]
- THAT'S RIGHT, THE WHOLE THING.
YOU MARRIED A MAN.
- HMM.
- "24 GRAMS OF FAT."
YEAH, BUT DON'T WORRY.
I'LL BE BURNING IT OFF... IN HELL.
OKAY, I'M GOIN' UP.
- OKAY.
- YOU KNOW, I KIND OF UNDERSTAND HOW YOUR FATHER FEELS.
- OKAY, GOOD NIGHT.
- NO, RAY. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
- OH! EH...
- YOU STILL CONSIDER YOURSELF CATHOLIC?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
UH, YEAH, I'M CATHOLIC. YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT.
IT'S LIKE BEING ITALIAN
OR--OR...
SEXY.
- SO WHY DON'T YOU GO TO MASS?
- COME ON, LOOK, IT'S NOT LIKE I NEVER GO, RIGHT?
AND YOU GO ALL THE TIME,
AND ACCORDING TO THIS MARRIED THING,
WE ARE ONE.
- OKAY, NO, YOU KNOW,
I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE A BIG THING.
I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FATHER
AND, YOU KNOW, WHY YOU GOT SO ANGRY ABOUT IT.
- BECAUSE IT'S NONE OF HIS BUSINESS.
- WHY DON'T YOU GO TO CHURCH?
- I DON'T KNOW. I--
IT'S--IT'S BECAUSE OF THE KNEELING, REALLY.
IT'S JUST--YOU KNOW I HAVE BAD KNEES.
- YOU KNOW, GOD CAN HEAR YOU RIGHT NOW.
- LET ME FINISH.
ALL RIGHT?
THAT'S NOT THE ONLY REASON.
THAT'S-- THAT'S ONE OF 'EM.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, WHEN I GO--
WHEN I GO THERE,
I SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT GOD, RIGHT?
BUT INSTEAD I'M THINKING ABOUT SOME COLUMN I'M WORKIN' ON,
UH, "WHAT'S UP WITH THIS GUY'S SCALP?
"OH, THAT LADY SNEEZED.
I'M NOT SHAKING HER HAND."
I'M NOT FOCUSED.
I FEEL LIKE I'M JUST GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS,
AND THAT'S-- THAT'S NOT RESPECTFUL, RIGHT?
- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, YOU SHOULDN'T GO
IF YOU'RE JUST GOIN' THROUGH THE MOTIONS.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
- WHAT? I'M AGREEING WITH YOU.
- NO, YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY.
- NO, I'M NOT.
- YOU'RE JUST LIKE MY MOTHER.
- WHY DO YOU HAVE TO INSULT ME?
WE'RE TALKING.
AND, BESIDES, YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT HAD TO EAT A WHOLE PINT OF ICE CREAM.
IF YOU'RE FEELING GUILTY, IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF ME.
- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I PRACTICE BEING A GOOD PERSON EVERY DAY, OKAY?
I'M A DECENT FELLOW.
I--I DO GOOD THINGS.
I ALWAYS LEAVE A BIG TIP.
IF A SQUIRREL RUNS IN FRONT OF THE CAR,
DO I NOT SWERVE?
I'M CONSIDERATE OF PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.
REMEMBER THE PLUMBER WHO CAME OVER WITH THE BIG EYE?
I TREATED HIM LIKE A COMPLETELY NORMAL PERSON, OKAY?
SO WHY DO I HAVE TO GO TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY
TO PROVE MY GOODNESS?
I'M LIVING IT.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, SINCE YOU ARE SO GOOD DURING THE WEEK,
MAYBE ON SUNDAYS, WE SHOULD HAVE EVERYBODY COME OVER HERE
AND SIT AROUND YOU.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
WHY DO YOU GO, MISS HOLY...
MOLY?
- WHY DO I GO?
- YEAH.
- I GO, YOU KNOW, TO THANK GOD
FOR YOU AND THE KIDS
AND TO PRAY FOR THE STRENGTH
TO GET THROUGH ANOTHER WEEK WITH YOU AND THE KIDS.
- OKAY. YEAH.
- NO. NO, REALLY.
YOU KNOW, I GO TO GET RE-ENERGIZED,
TO BE PART OF SOMETHING THAT'S BIGGER THAN ME
AND MY LITTLE PROBLEMS.
YOU KNOW, IT REMINDS ME
THAT I'M NOT THE BE-ALL AND END-ALL.
THERE'S SOMETHING OUT THERE THAT'S GREATER THAN ME.
- WHY DO YOU HAVE TO HAVE AN ANSWER FOR EVERYTHING?
- AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?
I LIKE THE FEELING OF COMMUNITY, THE TRADITION,
AND I THINK THAT'S WHAT'S BUGGING YOUR FATHER.
YOU KNOW, HE WANTED TO PASS HIS FAITH ONTO YOU.
IT'S PROBABLY THE ONLY VALUABLE THING
THAT HE THINKS HE CAN GIVE YOU,
AND YOU'VE REJECTED IT.
- OKAY, I NEED MORE ICE CREAM.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE
WOULD HAVE MADE FUN OF THAT PLUMBER, OKAY?
BIG MUPPET-EYE GUY.
- HEY, YOU WORKIN' THE CHURCH CARNIVAL NEXT WEEKEND?
- YEAH, MY WIFE SIGNED ME UP FOR THE DUNKING BOOTH AGAIN.
SHE LOVES SEEING ME WET.
- HEY, RAY'S HERE! [laughs]
- AND ALSO WITH YOU.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?
- NOTHING. GOING TO CHURCH.
- HOW COME?
- I...JUST FELT LIKE IT.
- YEAH, WELL, WE DON'T NEED YOU PART-TIMERS
DROPPING BY WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT.
IT SCREWS UP THE PARKING.
- I'M THINKIN' OF MAKING THIS A REGULAR THING.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- NO, I'M SERIOUS.
- YOU WANT TO COME EVERY SUNDAY?
- DO THEY HAVE IT EVERY SUNDAY?
YEAH. EVERY SUNDAY.
- YEAH, UNTIL YOUR MOTHER'S GUILT WEARS OFF.
- NO, NO, IT WASN'T HER.
LOOK, YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH?
IT WAS YOU.
I WANT TO SET AN EXAMPLE FOR MY KIDS, YOU KNOW,
LIKE YOU DID.
- WHAT ARE YOU, BEING A WISE GUY?
- NO. I MEAN IT.
- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH.
- LOOK AT YOU.
- MMM!
- US BARONES, WE CLEAN UP PRETTY GOOD, EH?
- HEY, IT'S THE OFFERTORY, PEOPLE.
WHERE ARE MY USHERS?
LET'S GO. LET'S GO.
GET THE LEAD OUT. COME ON.
GO, GO, GO, GO!
- FATHER HUBLEY, GOOD NEWS.
RAYMOND MY SON IS COMING BACK TO THE CHURCH.
- REALLY?
- EVERY SUNDAY.
- WELCOME BACK, RAYMOND.
FRANK, YOU WAITING FOR AN ENGRAVED INVITATION?
COME ON.
- WELL, WELL, WELL,
THE PRODIGAL SON RETURNS.
OF COURSE, NO ONE APPLAUDS A FAITHFUL SON,
BECAUSE THE FAITHFUL SON NEVER LEAVES.
- THE FAITHFUL SON HAS NOWHERE TO GO.
- SO WHAT'S YOUR ANGLE, RAYMOND?
- NOTHIN'. I WAS THINKING ABOUT DAD AND--
- OH, YOU'RE COMIN' BACK BECAUSE OF DAD.
- YEAH. EVERY SUNDAY. THAT'S RIGHT.
- AND YOU'RE GONNA SIT IN THE PEWS
AND BE WITH THE FAMILY?
- HEY, IF DAD CAN DO IT, I CAN DO IT.
- [chuckling]
- WHAT?
- DAD DOESN'T DO IT.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I DO IT.
MOM, DEBRA, THE KIDS DO IT.
BUT DAD? HE'S AN USHER.
- SO?
- SO THAT MEANS HE SPENDS MOST OF HIS TIME OUT HERE,
NOT IN THERE.
BACK HERE, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ALL THAT--
AS HE PUTS IT-- "MUMBO JUMBO."
- GOD OF ALL CREATION.
[people chanting]
- THAT'S RIGHT, RAY.
OH, YEAH, OCCASIONALLY, HE'LL GO DOWN THE AISLE
WITH THE COLLECTION BASKET
AND WINK AT THE PRETTY LADIES,
AND HE HUSTLES BACK
TO COUNT THE MONEY AND CLOCKS OUT.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SET-UP.
MOM CAN'T GET ON HIS CASE FOR NOT GOING TO MASS.
HE'S HERE EVERY SUNDAY SERVING THE LORD.
HE'S JUST DOIN' IT FROM THE FIRST-CLASS LOUNGE.
- OH, MY GOD.
DEBRA TOLD ME THIS WAS THE BEST PART OF HIM.
- WELL...
- I KNEW THERE WAS NO BEST PART OF HIM.
OH, AND I JUST PROMISED IN FRONT OF GOD AND EVERYBODY.
- ALL RIGHT, BOYS, COUNT 'EM UP!
- HEY, FRANK, GET A LOAD OF ROSEANNE KELLY TODAY?
WHOO-OOH.
- YEAH. WITH THE LOW-CUT THING?
I ALMOST GAVE HER A DOLLAR.
[laughter]
- PRAISE THE LORD! [laughter]
- LOOKS LIKE I'M AHEAD HERE, BOYS.
OOH, LOOK AT THIS, A $50 BILL.
SOMEONE DID SOMETHIN' TO SOMEBODY.
- HOLD IT. HOLD IT. THIS IS IT?
THIS IS WHAT YOU DO EVERY SUNDAY?
- WHAT? - THIS.
THIS--LAUGHIN' AND-- AND TALKIN' ABOUT WOMEN
AND BETTIN' ON WHO COLLECTED THE MOST MONEY?
ISN'T THIS WHERE JESUS IS SUPPOSED TO COME IN
AND TURN THIS TABLE OVER?
- SINCE WHEN DID YOU START WEARIN' SANDALS?
- [laughs]
- YOU'RE SO FULL OF IT, DAD, YOU KNOW?
ACTING ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY,
TELLIN' ME THAT I'M GONNA BURN IN...
YOU KNOW WHERE, THIS IS IT?
THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED TO PASS ONTO ME,
YOUR LITTLE SPORTSMAN'S LODGE?
YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET IT.
I'M NOT GOIN' TO CHURCH, OKAY?
'CAUSE I DON'T NEED YOUR HYPOCRISY.
- "HYPOCRISY."
- OOH, HYPOCRISY. OOH!
- WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE?
THERE'S NO HYPOCRISY.
I MADE A COMMITMENT TO THE LORD,
AND I'M HERE EVERY SUNDAY, HELPING.
IF YOU WANT TO BREAK YOUR COMMITMENT TO YOUR FAMILY,
TO FATHER HUBLEY, AND TO GOD,
GO RIGHT AHEAD.
DON'T WORRY.
IT'S A DRY HEAT.
- FINE. ALL RIGHT.
I'M NOT GONNA BREAK MY COMMITMENT.
I SAID I'M COMING EVERY WEEK,
AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
NOT ONLY THAT,
I WOULD LIKE TO VOLUNTEER TO BE AN USHER.
- WHAT?
- I WANT TO BE AN USHER. COME ON, DAD.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
YOU AND ME, WE COULD USHER TOGETHER.
- YOU MEAN, YOU WANNA BE AN USHER LIKE YOUR OLD MAN?
[laughter]
- WHAT? WHY? WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
- YOU KNOW HOW LONG THE WAITING LIST IS?
IT TOOK ME 20 YEARS TO BECOME AN USHER.
- OH, OH, WELL, I COULD BE A FILL-IN GUY,
YOU KNOW, FOR WHEN SOMEBODY GETS SICK.
YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.
- SORRY, KID, I PROMISED THAT TO YOUR BROTHER.
- OH, I HATE THAT GUY.
- LOOK, YOU ALREADY MISSED HALF THE MASS HERE.
COME ON, YOU BETTER GET BACK IN THERE
IF YOU WANT THIS ONE TO COUNT.
- ALL RIGHT, BUT--BUT--
- HEY, LOOK, I GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO HERE, SON.
GO AND JOIN YOUR FAMILY.
- ALL RIGHT, I'M HERE.
- ANYBODY WATCH THE KNICKS GAME LAST NIGHT?
- YEAH. IT WAS GREAT.
- FATHER, YOU ARE HOLY INDEED,
AND ALL CREATION RIGHTLY GIVES YOU PRAISE.
- WHAT?
- NOTHING.
THIS IS NICE.
- ...THROUGH YOUR SON JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD.
BY THE WORKING OF THE HOLY SPIRIT,
FROM AGE TO AGE
YOU GATHER A PEOPLE TO YOURSELF.
SO THAT FROM EAST TO WEST...
TO THE GLORY OF YOUR NAME.
[sermon continues indistinctly]
- [warbles]
- RAYMOND.
- PEACE BE WITH YOU.