- THIS IS NICE, ISN'T IT?
- IT'S WONDERFUL.
- WHERE THE GUY WITH THE WATER ALREADY?
I'M DYING HERE.
- GOOD, BEFORE YOU GO, WOULD YOU MAKE A TOAST?
- OKAY, HERE'S TO WATER.
THE EARTH IS COVERED WITH IT.
WHERE THE HELL IS MY SHARE?
- RAYMOND, PLEASE MAKE A TOAST.
- ALL RIGHT, HERE'S TO ROBERT BEING BACK ON THE JOB.
WE ALL THINK IT'S GREAT.
WAY TO GO.
[glasses clinking]
- CHEERS. - THERE YOU GO.
- ALL RIGHT. THERE YOU GO.
- THANK YOU.
THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL NIGHT FOR ME.
I FINALLY FEEL LIKE
I'VE PUT MY BULL WOUND BEHIND ME.
I SAID "BEHIND ME."
[laughter]
NO, BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU,
IT'S BEEN A TOUGH FEW MONTHS
GETTING BACK ON MY FEET,
AND NOW THAT I HAVE AMY AT MY SIDE AGAIN
AND I'M BACK DOING THE JOB THAT I LOVE,
I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER.
AND ALSO, I THINK I HAVE GOTTEN OVER MY ANXIETY
VIS-A-VIS PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
SO IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I SHALL RETURN PRESENTLY.
- OH, MY GOD.
- IT'S THAT AWFUL WOMAN.
- THAT'S DEFINITELY HER, RIGHT?
- IT'S HER. - WHO?
- THAT'S JOANNE, ROBERT'S EX-WIFE.
- [spits]
- WHAT THE HELL?
SHE'S GOT WATER!
- OH, MY GOD. SO THAT'S ROBERT'S EX-WIFE?
- YEP, THE INFAMOUS JOANNE.
- [spits]
- MOM, STUFF'S COMING OUT.
- I ALMOST DIDN'T RECOGNIZE HER
WITHOUT HER BROOMSTICK AND FLYING MONKEYS.
- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ROBERT SAW HER?
- OH, NOT SINCE THE DIVORCE WAS FINALIZED.
- WHAT, YOU DON'T KNOW THE STORY, AMY?
- NO, HE NEVER TALKS ABOUT HER.
- THAT'S 'CAUSE HE'S A NICE BOY.
- I'LL TELL YOU.
- GO AHEAD.
- OKAY. MA, NO SPITTING.
UH, LET'S SEE; WELL, WE HAD JUST MOVED IN
ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY PARENTS, RIGHT?
- I DON'T REMEMBER. I'VE BLOCKED THAT OUT.
- WELL, THAT'S WHEN IT WAS,
'CAUSE RIGHT ABOUT THAT TIME,
ROBERT AND JOANNE, THEY HAD A LITTLE HOUSE.
- NO, NO, I'M SERIOUS.
I'M PUTTING THE MOVIE IN MY TOP FIVE ALL-TIME.
- ANY MOVIE WITH A COP OR A DOG IN IT
GOES IN YOUR TOP FIVE.
- AND THIS ONE HAD BOTH.
HEY, REMEMBER WHEN THE DOG CLEANED HIMSELF
IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR?
- THAT WAS FUNNY. I'LL GIVE YOU THAT ONE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKED BEST ABOUT THAT MOVIE?
WE HAD TO LEAVE OUR HOUSE TO SEE IT.
I MEAN, THIS IS THE FIRST MOVIE WE'VE SEEN
SINCE WE HAD THE TWINS.
- HEY, YOU'RE THE ONE WHOSE EGG DIVIDED.
- HEY, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOUR MOTHER TOLD ME THEY WOULD BABYSIT THE KIDS
WHENEVER WE WANTED.
IT IS JUST SO GREAT
THAT WE MOVED ACROSS THE STREET FROM THEM.
HEY, JOANNE. - HEY, SWEETHEART.
- HEY, GUYS. - WHAT'S HAPPENING?
- HOW WAS THE MOVIE?
- OH, I'M TELLING YOU. I WISH YOU'D COME WITH US.
I REALLY LIKED IT.
I'M THINKING OF PUTTING IT IN MY TOP FIVE.
- REALLY? BECAUSE THE PREVIEW LOOKED KIND OF STUPID.
- YOU KNOW, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,
YOU KNOW, THE DOG DROVE A CAR.
WHAT IS THAT?
- THAT'S WHY WE CAN NEVER SEE MOVIES TOGETHER.
WE HAVE THE EXACT OPPOSITE TASTE
IN MOVIES, BOOKS-- STOP--
MUSIC, TV SHOWS.
HE LIKES THE KIND OF THING
WHERE SOMEONE STEPS ON A RAKE.
- YEAH. THIS MOVIE HAD THAT TOO.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- OH, NO, NO. NO.
YOU CAN PUT YOUR FEET ON OUR FURNITURE.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'M OKAY. I'M GOOD.
I'M GOOD RIGHT HERE.
- NO, REALLY, IT'S--IT'S OKAY.
UNTIL ROBERT GETS A RAISE,
WE ARE BLESSED WITH YOUR PARENTS' OLD STUFF.
IF YOU GET REALLY CLOSE,
YOU CAN STILL SMELL FRANK'S FEET.
- I'LL PASS.
- [laughing]
SORRY?
- I THOUGHT WE WEREN'T DOING THAT ANYMORE.
NO CRAZY CHIN.
- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES WHEN I EAT,
I DO A LITTLE THING WITH MY CHIN.
- OH, I DIDN'T KNOW. - I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
- SO, DEBRA, YOUR HAIR IS LOOKING GOOD.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- IT'S NOT AS UGH AS IT WAS
WHEN YOU WERE PREGNANT.
- THANK YOU.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M RUBBING YOUR SHOULDERS.
- WHY?
- I DON'T KNOW. YOU'RE MY MUSH-MUSH?
- IT'S OKAY.
- I'M SORRY. WAS I HURTING YOU?
SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW MY OWN STRENGTH.
- YOU AND YOUR BIG MITTS.
THAT'S WHY WE CAN'T HAVE PETS.
[polite laughter]
- MY FUNNY LADY.
LOOK OUT FOR MR. BIG HANDS.
- OKAY, I'M GOING TO BED.
- ALL RIGHT. WE'LL KEEP IT DOWN OUT HERE.
- OH, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
GOOD NIGHT, GUYS. ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU.
BOBBY, TONIGHT COULD YOU NOT PLOP INTO BED?
SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN MIDAIR.
- OKAY, YOU GOT IT. NO PLOPPING.
NIGHT, MUSHY-MUSH-MUSH.
[slams door]
- SO, ROBERT, I LOVE WHAT YOU GUYS--
- NO, NO, SERIOUSLY, WE'VE GOT TO KEEP IT DOWN.
- [yawning]
- AH.
WHOO.
WHOO, BOY.
I AM TUCKERED OUT.
- YOU GUYS WANT TO PLAY MONOPOLY OR SOMETHING?
- SHOULDN'T YOU BE GETTING HOME?
- WELL, I REALLY HAVE TO MAKE SURE
THAT JOANNE IS IN A REAL DEEP SLEEP, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE I KIND OF HAVE THE TENDENCY TO PLOP INTO BED.
- YEAH, MUSH-MUSH TOLD US.
- HEY, I KNOW. HOW ABOUT PICTIONARY?
I'LL GET A SKETCH PAD.
- OH, DON'T YOU FEEL BAD FOR ROBERT?
- I-I FEEL BAD FOR YOU, 'CAUSE I'M GOING TO BED.
- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT.
LISTEN, YOU'VE GOT TO TALK TO ROBERT.
HE'S SO UNHAPPY WITH JOANNE.
- HE'S NOT UNHAPPY. WHAT?
SO SHE'S A LITTLE BOSSY, ALL RIGHT?
HE SEEMS FINE WITH THAT.
- SHE'S ALWAYS PUTTING HIM DOWN,
AND HE JUST SITS THERE AND TAKES IT.
- HEY, THAT'S MARRIAGE.
THEIR MARRIAGE.
THAT'S THEIR MARRIAGE OVER THERE.
- JUST TELL HIM THAT HE SHOULD TALK TO JOANNE
ABOUT THE WAY SHE TREATS HIM
AND HOW THAT MAKES HIM FEEL.
- HOW ABOUT I'LL JUST TELL HIM TO GO HOME,
AND THEN YOU AND I CAN GO UPSTAIRS AND SHAKE IT UP?
- IF YOU DON'T TALK TO HIM, I WILL.
- NO, DON'T, NO.
I'LL TALK TO HIM, OKAY?
I KNOW--I KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
- FOUND A DECK OF CARDS.
CRAZY 8s.
- LISTEN, ROBERT.
YOU REALLY, REALLY SHOULD GO HOME
TO YOUR WIFE, 'CAUSE...
DEBRA'S GOT TO PUMP BREAST MILK.
- YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
I DON'T HAVE TO PUMP, ROBERT.
IT'S JUST THAT, UM...
YOU AND JOANNE--I MEAN, WE THINK JOANNE IS GREAT.
UH, BUT JUST SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW, WITH YOU,
SHE CAN BE NOT VERY NICE.
AND, UM, WE WERE JUST THINKING THAT IT WOULD HELP YOU
IF YOU TOLD HER--
ROBERT, STOP LOOKING AT MY BREASTS.
- I'M SORRY.
LISTEN, YOU KNOW,
JOANNE HAS TO PUT UP WITH A LOT FROM ME, YOU KNOW.
I AM NOT THE EASIEST PERSON TO LIVE WITH.
I, UH, I'M HAIRY AND SMELLY,
AND I'M REALLY KIND OF LIKE AN ANIMAL.
- HI, DEARS. - HEY, MARIE, HI.
- I TOLD YOU TWO-- COME ON--
YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE ANYMORE IF YOU DON'T KNOCK.
- GOTCHA.
HEY, YOUR OLD LADY'S LOOKING FOR YOU.
- JOANNE?
- YEAH, SHE WAS A LITTLE SHORT WITH ME ON THE PHONE.
I THINK SHE'S WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
- I DON'T LIKE THAT ONE.
- WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE HAPPY
THAT ROBBIE FOUND SOMEONE?
WHEN ARE YOU GONNA LEARN THAT IT'S NOT OUR PLACE
TO MEDDLE IN OUR CHILDREN'S LIVES?
- BUT, MARIE, I DON'T THINK IT'S MEDDLING
IF YOU LOVE AND CARE ABOUT THE PERSON.
- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE JUST--
YOU'RE JUST STROLLING DOWN THE RAILROAD TRACKS,
AND YOU DON'T HEAR THE WHOO-WHOO!
- ROBERT, I THINK WHAT YOUR FATHER IS TRYING TO SAY
IS THAT SOMETIMES JOANNE IS--
- A NUTCRACKER.
- DAD, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT MY WIFE.
- A NUTCRACKER.
- ROBBIE, YOU REALLY SHOULD--
NO. NO. I'M NOT BUTTING IN.
LIVE YOUR LIFE.
- ROBERT, YOU JUST SEEM SO UNHAPPY.
- WHAT IS THIS, SOME KIND OF INTERVENTION?
I HAPPEN TO LOVE JOANNE.
SHE'S--SHE'S STRONG. SHE'S INDEPENDENT.
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER.
YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT OUR...PRIVATE LIFE.
WE HAVE CHEMISTRY.
- I REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOOK CHEMISTRY.
THAT WAS THE YEAR YOU HAD NO EYEBROWS.
- I DON'T APPRECIATE THIS. I REALLY DON'T.
A FAMILY'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS.
IF NO ONE IS GONNA SUPPORT ME,
THEN I'D JUST RATHER YOU ALL BUTT OUT.
- WOW, HE REALLY HATES THAT CHAIR.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING
FOR YOUR SERGEANT'S EXAM.
HOW ARE WE EVER GONNA AFFORD ANYTHING NICE?
THIS IS HOW YOU STUDY.
- I'M TAKING A CARTOON BREAK AND EATING A BANANA.
- OH, THAT'S GREAT.
YOU'RE GONNA PUT IT OFF TILL THE LAST MINUTE
AND THEN GUESS WHAT--
YOU'LL BE WATCHING CARTOONS FULL-TIME
AND COMING TO ME FOR BANANA MONEY.
[doorbell rings]
YOU THINK YOU CAN ANSWER THE DOOR?
- HEY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- UM...
WELL...
I-I WANTED TO COME BY AND APOLOGIZE
FOR EVERYBODY YESTERDAY.
- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
NONE OF YOU KNOW HER THE WAY I DO.
- YEAH, YEAH. I KNOW; CHEMISTRY,
BUT, UM... I GOTTA TELL YOU.
I DID JUST KIND OF OVERHEAR
ABOUT THE BANANA MONEY.
- BOBBY, IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET--
OH. HEY, RAY.
- HEY. HI, JOANNE.
- UH, BOBBY DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE COMING OVER.
- OH, THAT'S 'CAUSE BOBBY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW, YOU KNOW?
IT'S A SURPRISE.
- OH, YOU KNOW HOW WE LOVE IT
WHEN YOU COME OVER, RAY,
BUT BOBBY'S GOT A LOT OF STUDYING TO DO,
AND, YOU KNOW, YOU ARE NOT THE BEST INFLUENCE ON HIM.
- OH, OKAY. ALL RIGHT. I'M SORRY.
- RAY, WAIT.
DON'T TALK TO HIM LIKE THAT.
- EXCUSE ME?
- IT'S OKAY, ROBERT.
- NO, NO. IT'S NOT OKAY.
I WANT YOU TO APOLOGIZE TO RAYMOND.
- APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT?
- FOR WHAT YOU JUST SAID TO HIM
AND FOR ALL THE MEAN THINGS YOU'VE EVER SAID ABOUT HIM.
- SHE SAYS MEAN THINGS ABOUT ME?
- OH, SURE, SURE, SHE'S SWEET TO YOUR FACE,
BUT AS SOON AS YOU LEAVE,
SHE TALKS ABOUT HOW YOUR VOICE
SOUNDS LIKE A WOUNDED COW
OR HOW WHEN YOU RUN, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE TRYING
TO HOLD A PENCIL BETWEEN YOUR CHEEKS.
- HMM.
- I'M TIRED OF THE WAY YOU TREAT HIM.
HE'S MY BROTHER.
AND I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE, JOANNE.
MAYBE IF YOU JUST SHOWED A LITTLE WARMTH TO PEOPLE,
THEY WOULDN'T BE SO SCARED OF YOU.
AND MAYBE IF YOU JUST GAVE ME A CLUE
THAT YOU STILL CARED ABOUT ME,
I WOULDN'T SPEND SO MUCH TIME
HIDING OUT AT RAY AND DEBRA'S.
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING ELSE?
THINGS ARE GONNA HAVE TO START CHANGING AROUND HERE.
- I WANT A DIVORCE.
- WHAT?
- AH, THAT FELT GOOD.
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME.
THANK YOU.
[doorbell rings]
- I'LL GET THAT.
- I'M GLAD WE TALKED.
HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU THINK YOU'LL NEED
TO GET YOUR STUFF OUT OF THE HOUSE?
- HELLO, RAYMOND. - HI, MA. UH, LISTEN,
COULD YOU DRIVE ME TO THE MALL?
'CAUSE I COULD REALLY USE A SWEATER.
- OKAY. - YEAH.
- WE'LL GO SATURDAY.
- NO, NO, NO.
- OH, HELLO, JOANNE. HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.
ROBBIE, I MADE YOU A BUNDT CAKE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- JOANNE JUST...DUMPED ME.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT, MA?
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN THE CAR, OKAY?
IT'S KIND OF CHILLY. I COULD REALLY USE--
- JOANNE DUMPED YOU? - I WANT A SWEATER!
- JOANNE DUMPED YOU?
YOU.
YOU NEVER APPRECIATED MY ROBBIE.
- I COULD USE A SWEATER.
- YOU NEVER LOVED HIM
FOR THE DECENT, DELIGHTFUL BOY HE IS.
YOU NEVER REALIZED HOW LUCKY YOU ARE
TO BE A PART OF THIS WONDERFUL FAMILY.
I HAVE HELD MY TONGUE FOR TWO YEARS,
AND I HAVE GIVEN YOU
EVERY BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
THAT'S THE KIND OF PERSON I AM.
- THE KIND OF PERSON YOU ARE.
YOU'RE AN ANGRY, PUSHY, MANIPULATIVE BITCH.
- OH! NO! NO! RAYMOND, NO!
- STOP! STOP!
- RAYMOND, NO!
YOU MONSTER! YOU MONSTER, YOU.
N--NO, YOU'RE NOT A MONSTER.
YOU'RE A CREATURE.
- I'M NOT THE ONE BEING RESTRAINED RIGHT NOW.
- AND I'M NOT THE ONE WHO DANCED TOPLESS IN ATLANTIC CITY.
THAT'S RIGHT. I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU...
CINNAMON.
BUT AS LONG AS MY SON SEEMED HAPPY,
I DECIDED TO LET HIM LIVE IN BLISSFUL IGNORANCE.
- I KNEW SHE WAS A SHOWGIRL, MA.
- YOU KNEW?
YOU KNEW THIS, AND YOU STILL MARRIED HER?
- YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?
COULD HAVE SAVED MONEY ON THE BACHELOR PARTY.
- OH, COME ON. ENOUGH, ENOUGH.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR
THIS KIND OF THING ANYMORE.
SOMEONE HAS TO PROTECT THIS FAMILY,
AND I'M THROUGH SITTING IDLY BY.
AND AS FOR YOU...
NOBODY DUMPS MY SON.
YOU THINK YOU'RE DUMPING MY SON?
- OKAY, LET'S CALM DOWN.
- OH, YEAH, WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
MY SON IS DUMPING YOU. THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S TIME TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH.
- THREE MINUTES AGO,
I WAS WATCHING CARTOONS AND EATING A BANANA.
SHE STILL THERE?
- NO. WHAT'S SCARY IS,
I THINK I JUST SAW A BAT FLY AWAY.
- YOU KNEW SHE WAS A SHOWGIRL?
RAYMOND, I HOPE YOU'RE NOT KEEPING
THIS KIND OF A SECRET ABOUT DEBRA.
- YOU MEAN PEPPERMINT?
- I DON'T LIKE THAT, RAYMOND.
THANK GOD I LIVE ACROSS THE STREET FROM YOU.
AND NOW...
WE ALL NEED TO HAVE A PIECE OF THIS CAKE.
- WHAT DO I DO NOW?
- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU DON'T DO.
YOU DON'T CALL MOM A BITCH.
- OH, MY GOD.
- I USUALLY DON'T GET THAT WAY,
BUT YOU KNOW HOW STRONG MATERNAL INSTINCTS ARE.
- YEAH, I KNOW.
IT STILL HURTS WHEN IT RAINS.
- SHH, SHH, SHH. HERE HE COMES.
- OH, MY GOD.
DID YOU SEE WHO'S SITTING OVER THERE?
JOANNE.
- GET OUTTA HERE. - SHE IS?
- HUH.
- DO YOU THINK SHE SAW ME?
SHOULD I GO SAY HI?
- NO, NO. YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO.
- WHAT? SHE'S A HORRIBLE PERSON.
- SHE'S A CREATURE.
- HI.
- HEY, JOANNE. - HEY, LOOK AT THIS.
- HELLO, BARONES. HI, BOBBY.
- HI.
- OH, WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE.
- OH, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
- YEAH. THANKS, GOOD.
YEAH. GOOD TO SEE YOU.
YOU'RE LOOKING WELL.
OW. WHAT?
OH, AMY, MY GIRLFRIEND, MY GIRLFRIEND AMY.
- OH, NICE TO MEET YOU. - HI.
- QUITE A GRIP YOU GOT THERE.
SO, UM...
WELL, I GUESS I'D BETTER BE GETTING BACK
TO MY TABLE THERE.
- SURE, SURE, YEAH.
- UH, LISTEN. UM...
NOW THAT I'M BACK IN TOWN,
IT MIGHT BE FUN TO CATCH UP IF YOU WANT.
UM, HERE'S MY NUMBER.
UH, SO, UH, IT WAS REALLY GOOD
TO SEE ALL OF YOU AGAIN.
- YOU TOO. TAKE CARE.
- IT WAS A REALLY NICE SURPRISE.
- [chuckles]
- WHAT?
- SHE WENT BACK TO HER MAIDEN NAME, GLOTZ.
- CINNAMON GLOTZ?
- JOANNE, JOANNE GLOTZ.
BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.
- IT COULD BE WORSE, ROBERT.
SOME MISTAKES LAST 43 YEARS.
I DON'T SEE WHAT'S WRONG WITH ITEMIZING THE BILL
SO WE EACH PAY FOR WHAT WE ATE.
- YEAH, ALL RIGHT, IT'S JUST EASIER
TO SPLIT IT UP EQUALLY, DAD.
- YES, EASIER FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAD APPETIZERS.
- HEY, HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU.
I WANT TO CHECK DAD'S TIP.
- YOU DON'T TIP ON THE TAX OR THE LIQUOR.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
GET IN THE CAR. YOU'RE DRUNK.