- ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
YOU GOT AMY ON HOLD, YOU GOT STEFANIA IN ITALY,
AND NOW YOU'RE DATING JOANNE AGAIN?
- NO DATING, OKAY?
JUST TALKING ON THE PHONE, YOU KNOW, LIKE FRIENDS.
- FRIENDS.
THE WOMAN THREW AN ASHTRAY AT YOUR HEAD.
- IT'S CALLED PASSION, RAYMOND.
BUT WHO KNOWS?
THERE MIGHT STILL BE SOME SPARKS THERE.
- THEN SOMEONE SHOULD THROW
A FIRE EXTINGUISHER AT YOUR HEAD.
- JOANNE HAS CHANGED A LOT, OKAY?
SHE'S NOT LIKE SHE USED TO BE.
THREE WOMEN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
- YOU DO A DANCE, YOU GIGANTIC LUCKY BASTARD.
- I KNOW, I KNOW. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D HAVE THREE WOMEN IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
- HEY, WE ALL LOST MONEY ON THAT BET.
- [gasps] YOU DREW THAT YOURSELF?
- THEY'RE COMING!
[Beethoven's "Ode to Joy"]
[music stops]
[heart beating]
["Ode to Joy" resumes]
- YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN TELL WHICH ONE IS THE RIGHT BROAD?
- LOOK, IT'S ALL RIGHT, DAD.
- SHUT UP. IT'S SIMPLE.
WHICH LADY IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU,
COOK FOR YOU,
LET YOU HAVE THE GOOD PILLOW?
- DAD, YOU'RE 100.
SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE GOOD PILLOW?
- IT'S THE WHOLE PACKAGE.
WHICH ONE IS GOING TO LAUGH AT YOUR JOKES?
- OH, THEY ALL DO,
EXCEPT STEFANIA DOESN'T SPEAK ENGLISH VERY WELL,
SO I HAVE TO DO A LOT OF HAND GESTURES,
FUNNY NOISES, YOU KNOW?
- WHICH ONE DOESN'T FREAK OUT
WHEN THEY SEE THIS COMING AT THEM?
- HA HA, RAYMOND.
- WHO'S GOT HIPS WIDE ENOUGH TO BEAR YOUR ENORMOUS CHILDREN?
- WELL, THAT WOULD BE AMY, BUT DON'T TELL HER.
- YOU KNOW, WITH AMY,
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE SHE'S EVER HAD SEX WITH,
SO TECHNICALLY, YOU CAN'T DISAPPOINT HER.
- TRUE.
- ADD IT UP. AMY IS YOUR WINNER.
- WELL, WE DID USED TO TALK ABOUT HAVING KIDS,
AND SHE'S ALWAYS STUCK BY ME,
AND, WELL, WE DO MAKE EACH OTHER HAPPY.
IT'S AS IF WE'RE...
MEANT TO BE, ISN'T IT?
- YEAH, MAYBE. WHAT DO I KNOW?
- ALL RIGHT, AMY.
THAT'S IT. YES, IT'S AMY. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE'RE GOING TO START FRESH WITH A CLEAN SLATE.
I'M GOING TO TELL HER ABOUT JOANNE AND STEFANIA.
- WHAT?
- I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANY SECRETS.
- WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?
YOU NEVER TELL A WOMAN ANYTHING.
EVEN IF THEY FIGURE IT OUT, YOU DENY.
- BUT AMY WOULD WANT ME TO BE HONEST.
- YEAH, THAT'S HOW THEY GET YOU.
YOU THINK THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT,
AND THEN YOU CANNOT BELIEVE THE YELLING.
- YEAH, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
42 YEARS OF "FOR GOD'S SAKES, CLOSE YOUR ROBE"?
- HEY...
THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO.
I'LL--I'LL TELL MY GIRLFRIEND
ABOUT MY OTHER GIRLFRIENDS.
- [imitating Robert] HEY, YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY.
[both chuckling]
- HEY, HEY, HEY, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK,
YOU GOT THREE WOMEN AFTER YOU, HUH?
LET ME-- LET ME CHECK OVER HERE.
YOU GOT THREE WOMEN AFTER YOU, HUH, HUH?
THEN WHO DOES?
OH, WAIT A MINUTE. I BELIEVE THAT'S ME.
I'LL FIGURE IT OUT, GENTLEMEN.
AND NOW... ADIEU.
- WHAT WAS THAT FACE YOU DID?
POOR DEBRA.
- NO POOR DEBRA. I'M--I'M DOING A FACE, DAD.
- ARE YOU DOING A FACE RIGHT NOW?
- NO.
- POOR DEBRA.
- THE PIZZA WAS TO YOUR LIKING?
- MMM. IT WAS PERFECT.
- NO, YOU'RE PERFECT.
OW!
- OH, ROBERT, ARE YOU OKAY?
HERE.
- YEAH, THANKS, THANKS. I'M FINE.
- WHO'S BURNING FUR?
- LISTEN, AMY, I THINK WE'RE GOOD TOGETHER.
DON'T YOU?
- YES.
- I MEAN, WE MAKE A GOOD COUPLE, RIGHT?
- YES.
- THAT'S WHY I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT US BEING TOGETHER.
- I'M LISTENING.
- I THINK THAT YOU AND I ARE MEANT TO BE.
AND THAT'S WHY IT'S IMPORTANT FOR ME
TO TELL YOU ABOUT JOANNE.
- JOANNE?
- YEAH, WELL, WE'VE SPOKEN,
AND I THINK SHE WANTS TO GET BACK TOGETHER,
AND, HONESTLY, FOR A WHILE,
I WASN'T SURE WHAT I WANTED,
BUT I'VE DECIDED
THAT YOU'RE THE ONE I WANT TO BE WITH.
- YOU'VE BEEN TALKING TO JOANNE
ABOUT GETTING BACK TOGETHER?
- WELL, YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN TALKING,
AND--AND I'VE BEEN THINKING.
- YOU'VE BEEN TALKING TO JOANNE
ABOUT GETTING BACK TOGETHER.
FOR HOW LONG...
SWEETIE?
- I DON'T KNOW.
BEFORE ITALY, BUT, SEE, THAT'S WHY I'M TELLING YOU,
BECAUSE I WANT TO BE TOTALLY HONEST
BECAUSE I FEEL THAT WE ARE MEANT TO BE.
- MEANT TO BE.
- DON'T YOU?
- LET ME SEE.
YOU'VE BEEN TALKING
WITH YOUR EX-WIFE FOR OVER A MONTH
BEHIND MY BACK, AND THEN--
- WELL, YEAH, BUT, SEE, Y-YOU'RE NOT FOCUSING
ON THE POSITIVE PART OF THE STORY.
- OH, BUT I AM, ROBERT.
I'M HAPPY.
I MEAN, THIS IS ALL SUCH WONDERFUL NEWS.
YOU'VE BEEN DECEITFUL,
AND YOU'RE SETTLING FOR ME,
BUT, HEY,
BEFORE I GET REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HAPPY,
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO SHARE WITH ME?
- NO.
- WELL, GOOD,
'CAUSE I DON'T THINK I COULD GET MUCH HAPPIER.
- WELL, BUT I JUST--
- AND THANK YOU FOR ANOTHER FABULOUS EVENING.
TONIGHT I'M TAKING THE LEFTOVERS.
I'LL BE IN THE OFFICE TOMORROW
IF ANYBODY WANTS TO SEND ME FLOWERS.
- PERHAPS WE SHOULD CANCEL THE SPUMONI.
- [sighs]
- HOW'S THE MEATLOAF?
- IT'S GOOD. IT'S VERY GOOD.
- YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW-- YOUR BROTHER--
HE'S A CHILD.
DO MEN EVER STOP BEING STUPID?
- NO, THEY DON'T...
AND YOU MIGHT WANT TO HOLD ON TO YOUR PIZZA.
- OH, I DON'T CARE.
- ROBERT TOLD YOU?
- YOU KNEW? - I'M SORRY.
- HE'S HORRIBLE, AND HE EXPECTS ME TO BE GRATEFUL
BECAUSE HE TOLD ME WHEN HE DIDN'T HAVE TO.
- THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
- HE'S ACTING LIKE HE HAS NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR.
- I KNOW, AND JUST BECAUSE HE WAS ON VACATION,
THAT IS NO EXCUSE. - VACATION?
HE TOOK JOANNE ON VACATION?
- NO, NO, NO, STEFANIA.
- WHO?
- WH-WHAT?
- WHO'S STEFANIA?
- WAIT, WHO'S WHO? WAIT, WHAT NAME DID YOU SAY?
OH, MY GOSH. LOOK AT THAT.
YOUR HAIR LOOKS SO GOOD THAT WAY.
- SO THERE WAS JUST THE TWO SLICES?
- DOESN'T AMY'S HAIR LOOK GOOD?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- OH, GOOD, AMY. YOU'RE HERE.
I-I'M GOING TO NEED YOUR OFFICE ADDRESS.
- WHO THE HELL IS STEFANIA?
- UH, UH, UH...
- SOUNDS LIKE A GIRL'S NAME. A GIRL YOU MET IN ITALY?
- UH...
- WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HER IN ITALY?
- VERY LITTLE.
I'M SORRY.
- I SAVED MYSELF FOR YOU.
- REALLY SORRY.
- GOOD-BYE, ROBERT.
- BUT WE'RE...
MEANT TO BE.
- WHEN SHE GOT UP ON THE COUCH THE SECOND TIME,
WHAT DID YOU THINK SHE WAS GOING TO DO?
OH, MAN, SHE REALLY NAILED YOU.
WAS SHE-- WAS SHE WEARING A RING?
- OUR FRIENDSHIP RING.
- IRONIC.
- COULD I GET SOME FROZEN BABY PEAS, DEB?
- YOU KNOW WHAT, ROBERT? YOU GET YOUR OWN DAMN PEAS.
- WELL, WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ME? WHAT DID I DO?
- [laughs] WHAT DID YOU DO?
- HEY, LOOK, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD AMY
ABOUT STEFANIA IN THE FIRST PLACE.
YOU SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING TO ME.
- AND WHAT YOU SHOULD'VE DONE
IS TELL AMY THE TRUTH ABOUT EVERYTHING,
OR BETTER YET, NOT BE SUCH A PIG IN THE FIRST PLACE!
- THAT'S THE WORST APOLOGY I'VE EVER GOTTEN.
- WHY WOULD YOU GET INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE ELSE
WHEN YOU ALREADY HAVE A RELATIONSHIP?
WHAT, DOES JUGGLING THREE WOMEN AT A TIME
MAKE YOU COOL?
- UNCOOL.
- YOU KNOW, IF THAT'S THE ONLY WAY
THAT YOU CAN BUILD YOUR SELF-ESTEEM,
THEN YOU ARE PATHETIC,
AND YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE WITH ANYONE.
- YEAH, THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- LAY DOWN. PLAY DEAD.
- WE ALL KNOW ABOUT YOU, OKAY, DEB?
YOU WERE POPULAR. YOU JUGGLED GUYS ALL THE TIME.
HOW MANY GUYS ASKED YOU TO YOUR SENIOR PROM, HUH?
FIVE? SIX?
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO I TOOK TO MY PROM?
OUR COUSIN NELLIE.
- HE THREW UP ON HER.
- SOMEBODY SPIKED THE PUNCH!
- OKAY, WELL, I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT YOU AND YOUR COUSIN,
BUT THAT WAS HIGH SCHOOL. I GREW UP.
I REALIZED THAT THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS
IS HAVING SOMEONE THAT UNDERSTANDS ME,
THAT'LL BE THERE FOR ME,
SOMEBODY THAT I WANT TO GROW OLD WITH.
GET OFF OF ME!
I THOUGHT THAT YOU FELT THAT WAY ABOUT AMY.
- WELL, I DID. I DO.
- THEN WHY WOULD YOU FOOL AROUND WITH STEFANIA?
- HAVE YOU SEEN STEFANIA?
- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, ROBERT?
I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THOSE SLIMEBALLS
WHO'S ONLY INTERESTED IN SCORING WITH CHICKS.
- I COULD BE.
- NO, YOU COULDN'T,
OR YOU WOULDN'T HAVE WAITED TWO YEARS FOR AMY TO BE READY.
I-I JUST DON'T GET YOU.
YOU WERE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP
WITH SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU, AND YOU BLEW IT.
- HONESTY.
DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE.
- I JUST SAW AMY. SHE'S CRYING.
DID YOU BREAK UP AGAIN?
- YEAH, AND I THINK IT'S FOR GOOD THIS TIME, MA.
BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'LL BE FINE.
- YOU'LL BE FINE? WHAT ABOUT ME?
AMY WAS GOING TO GIVE ME MORE GRANDCHILDREN!
AND THERE WAS TALK OF A GUESTHOUSE,
AND I COULD LEAVE YOUR FATHER IF I WANTED!
- STOP IT! - OH, STOP!
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.
I CAN'T.
DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME? BECAUSE YOU'RE KILLING ME.
- SORRY.
- GOOD.
NOW PICK UP THIS PHONE AND TELL THAT TO AMY.
- NO, MA, I CAN'T CALL HER NOW.
- WELL, I COULD SEE HOW THAT WOULD BE A LITTLE AWKWARD.
DON'T WORRY. I KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
- NO, STOP IT, MA!
JUST STOP IT!
I BLEW IT. IT'S OVER. SHE'LL NEVER TAKE ME BACK.
- NO, WE ARE NOT GIVING UP.
WE COULD STILL WORK THIS OUT.
- WILL YOU LET IT GO, ALL RIGHT?
IT'S MY LIFE! I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!
- WHO'S BEEN TELLING HIM IT'S HIS LIFE?
- YOU READY TO ORDER?
- UH, ACTUALLY, I'M WAITING FOR SOMEBODY.
NO, THANKS. NO FIRE TONIGHT.
- HI, BOBBY.
- HI, JOANNE.
- I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
ONE OF MY CLIENTS HAD A FENDER-BENDER.
I HAD TO GO HOLD HIS HAND.
- WOW. INSURANCE.
IT'S LIKE POLICE WORK, YOU KNOW?
YOU'RE ALWAYS ON CALL,
EXCEPT THEY DON'T SHOOT AT YOU.
- ONLY WHEN THEY FIND OUT HOW LITTLE WE PAY.
- HEE HEE HEE HEE.
- BOBBY, RELAX.
IT'S JUST ME. - I KNOW.
IT'S WEIRD, YOU KNOW?
IT'S LIKE I KNOW YOU BUT LIKE I DON'T KNOW YOU.
HEH HEH HEH HEH.
- I'M SO GLAD YOU WANTED TO HAVE DINNER TONIGHT.
I THINK WE'VE BOTH BEEN THINKING THE SAME THING.
- I THINK MAYBE WE HAVE.
- ROBERT, YOU KNOW HOW I AM.
I SEE WHAT I WANT AND I GO FOR IT,
AND WHAT I WANT IS YOU.
- YOU KNOW,
WHEN WE WERE TALKING ON THE PHONE,
I WAS GETTING THAT SAME VIBE.
- WELL, YOU KNOW...
YOU KNOW, BOBBY, I'M NO SNOW WHITE.
I'VE HAD MY SHARE OF DATES AND INSURANCE CONVENTIONS.
TRUTH? YOU WERE MY BEST.
- WELL, THANK YOU. RIGHT BACK AT YOU.
- OOH, THAT HEAT. CAN YOU FEEL IT?
- PIZZA OVEN. - BOBBY.
- OH, YES, YES. I FEEL THE OTHER HEAT.
- WE NEED TO BE TOGETHER.
- WELL, I'D LIKE THAT.
MAYBE WE'RE...
MEANT TO BE.
- YES, WE ARE.
- SO, HEY, YOU WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES LATER?
- WHAT? - OH, I KNOW, MINIATURE GOLF.
I KNOW THIS GREAT COURSE
THAT LOOKS OVER LONG ISLAND SOUND.
- [laughing]
- WHAT, WHAT? WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
- YOU, I FORGOT HOW FUNNY YOU COULD BE.
MINIATURE GOLF.
WHAT I'M INTERESTED IN, BOBBY,
DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING MINIATURE ABOUT IT.
- BUT REGULAR GOLF TAKES SO LONG.
- I DON'T WANT ANY OF THAT OTHER STUFF, BOBBY.
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING I WANT FROM YOU.
- AAH!
- I DIDN'T MEAN TO STARTLE YOU. THAT'S JUST MY FOOT.
- OH, YOUR FOOT.
IT'S THIS DIVE, YOU KNOW?
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S CRAWLING AROUND.
AAH! PONY!
- DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?
- I THINK YOUR FOOT SPAKS FOR ITSELF, YES.
BUT WOULDN'T YOU LIKE SOMETHING MORE?
- LIKE WHAT? - A RELATIONSHIP.
- A PIZZA AND HOT SEX?
MOST GUYS WOULD CONSIDER THAT THE PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.
- WELL, I'M NOT SAYING THAT'S BAD.
I JUST THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE PART OF A BIGGER ARRANGEMENT.
- UGH, LIKE OUR MARRIAGE? WE TRIED THAT.
- WELL, OKAY, I KNOW, BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE GUYS
WHO'S ONLY INTERESTED IN SCORING WITH CHICKS.
- OH, COME ON. LET'S JUST HAVE SOME FUN.
I SAW THAT VANILLA PUDDING YOU WERE DATING, EMILY.
- AMY. - AMY.
YOU CAN'T TELL ME SHE DID ANYTHING FOR YOU.
- WELL, NOW, THAT IS NONE OF YOUR--AAH!
STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!
- ARE YOU SERIOUS?
- YES, I AM SERIOUS.
NOW KINDLY REMOVE YOUR FOOT.
- FINE.
OKAY, THEN.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU.
- WELL, WAIT, WHAT'S THAT? YOU'RE LEAVING?
- I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU UNLESS YOU NEED INSURANCE.
- THEN OKAY TO YOU!
THAT'S RIGHT,
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE.
ROBERT BARONE IS NOT AVAILABLE
FOR A BOOTY CALL!
YOU HEARD ME.
HELLO, AMY, IT--
LOOK, AMY, DON'T HANG UP.
AMY, DON'T HANG UP. IT'S ROBERT.
OKAY, LISTEN, I SCREWED UP.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO.
COULD I JUST COME OVER?
O-O-OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT OVER.
THANKS, MA.
HELLO? HELLO?
DON'T HANG UP. IT'S ROBERT.
IS STEFANIA THERE?
- CREPA.
- NO MORE LONG DISTANCE.
COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.
YOU COULD'VE ENDED UP WITH ONE OF THEM.