- SO YOU'RE STUCK WITH DEBRA'S PARENTS
FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND?
- WELL, WE HARDLY GET TO SEE THEM,
SO WHEN THEY COME TO TOWN,
WE WANT TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE WITH THEM.
I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT'S HOW I FEEL.
- I DON'T KNOW.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT DEBRA'S MOM.
SHE GIVES ME THE WILLIES.
- WHAT ABOUT THE HUSBAND? HE'S THE WEIRD ONE.
HE GOT ALL THAT LOTION ON HIM.
HE'S ALL SLICK AND MOIST,
LIKE A BEAVER RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS.
[doorbell rings]
- RAY, COULD YOU GET THAT?
- COME IN!
- GET THE DOOR, RAY.
- ALL RIGHT.
COME IN!
- OH, HELLO, RAYMOND.
- HEY, THERE, UH, DEBRA!
- HAPPY TURKEY'S EVE, RAYMOND. WAH!
- HEY, SAME TO YOU. DEB! OH, OKAY.
- HI, MOM, DAD. YOU MADE IT.
- MM-HMM. IN RECORD TIME. - YEAH?
YOUR MOTHER KEPT AN EAGLE EYE OUT FOR SMOKIES.
- AH. [laughs] - WARREN.
- HI, GRANDMA. HI, GRANDPA.
- HI, KIDDIES. HI THERE, BABIES.
- OH, ISN'T THIS NICE?
CONNECTICUT GRANDMA AND GRANDPA
AND REGULAR GRANDMA AND GRANDPA.
WHO WANTS TOOTSIE POPS?
- ME! ME! ME!
- OH, LOIS. [laughs]
[kissing]
- HI, MARIE. - HI.
- MARIE, YOU'RE LOOKING WONDERFUL!
- [laughs] OH, I JUST THINK I LOOK A WRECK.
I'VE BEEN HELPING DEBRA COOK.
- I'LL GET THE REST. - OH, AND, ROBERT,
HOW NICE THAT YOU'RE HERE.
OH.
- OH, HE HAD TO GO. HE'S--
HE'S--HE'S, UH, PASSING A STONE.
- COULD YOU GET UP, FRANK? AND WOULD YOU GIVE ME THOSE?
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
- PANTS, DAD. PANTS, PANTS.
- OH.
- YOU WANT THEM UP OR DOWN? WHAT KIND OF PARTY IS THIS?
[laughter]
- YOU CAN NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT MY PARENTS AGAIN EVER.
I MEAN IT.
- OKAY, WELL, THIS IS ALL OF IT.
- WHOO, YOU GOT THAT? - YEAH.
- OH, MY GOODNESS.
HOW LONG ARE YOUR RELATIVES STAYING, DEAR?
- WELL, WE HARDLY GET TO SEE 'EM WHEN THEY COME TO TOWN,
WE WANT TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE WITH THEM.
- THIS IS FOR OUR TRIP TO BADEN-BADEN IN GERMANY.
- IT'S IN THE SCHWARZWALD,
RIGHT ON THE BANKS OF THE OOSBACH.
- OOSBACH? YOU KNOW, THERE ARE PLENTY OF PLACES
WITH FUNNY-SOUNDING NAMES RIGHT HERE IN THE U.S.
- THAT'S ENOUGH, FRANK.
- MILWAUKEE. - DAD.
- LAKE TAHOE.
- WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT THAT?
- TAHOE. - [chuckles]
- ACTUALLY, BADEN-BADEN HAS THE MOST AMAZING SPA.
- IT IS AMAZING, OR AS THEY SAY,
ERSTAUNLICH.
- I GOT SPIT ALL OVER ME HERE.
[buzzer] - OOH, MY YAMS.
- PLENTY OF MARSHMALLOWS, RIGHT, MARIE?
- OF COURSE. - BECAUSE
WITHOUT THE MARSHMALLOWS, IT'S A DAMN VEGETABLE.
- I KNOW, FRANK.
- I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY YAMS, SO, RAY,
COULD YOU SHOW MY PARENTS UPSTAIRS, HON?
- UH, YEAH, ALL RIGHT. IT'S JUST--IT'S UP THOSE STAIRS.
- TAKE THEM UP TO THE ROOM, RAY!
- AH. WE HARDLY GET TO SEE YOU. WHEN YOU COME,
WE WANT TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE WITH YOU.
- IT'S SO NICE OF YOU
- CAPE COD.
- OKAY. DAD--DAD, WE GET IT.
- I LIKE THE "COD" PART. [laughs]
- SO THIS IS IT. THE BEDROOM.
- YOU MEAN, DAS SHLAUFZIMMER.
- YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
- IT'S SO NICE OF YOU
TO GIVE UP YOUR ROOM FOR US, RAYMOND.
I HOPE WE'RE NOT PUTTING YOU OUT.
- NO, NO, NO, EXCEPT FOR THE PART
WHERE I GOT TO GET OUT.
[laughter]
OKAY.
UH, I'LL JUST GET MY JAMMIES.
- YOU KNOW WHAT'S THE BEST THING TO SLEEP IN?
- A HOTEL?
- NOTHING. AU NATUREL.
IT REALLY GIVES THE BODY A SENSE OF FREEDOM, HUH, HONEY?
- OH, LET FREEDOM RING. HA HA.
- OH, YEAH, THIS IS WUNDERBAR.
- AH. NICE FIRM MATTRESS, HUH?
- YEAH. OH, YEAH.
OH, THIS WILL BE GREAT FOR MY HIP.
- MY PILLOW.
DEBRA.
- WHAT?
- DOES YOUR FATHER SHOWER BEFORE HE GOES TO BED?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- WE HAVE TO GET A NEW BED.
- WOULD YOU JUST GO TO SLEEP?
MY GOODNESS, YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY
TO HAVE SOME NORMAL PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE FOR A CHANGE.
- HEY, SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT MY FATHER,
HE'S NEVER BEEN NAKED IN OUR BED.
EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE SUPER BOWL.
- YOU TOLD ME HE WAS WEARING UNDERWEAR.
- JUST SOCKS.
- WE GOT TO GET A NEW BED.
- [grunts]
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- THIRSTY.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU LISTEN REAL CAREFUL,
YOU CAN HEAR MY PILLOW SCREAMING.
- EVERYBODY'S GETTING NAKED IN MY BED EXCEPT ME.
- I AM GETTING SOMETHING TO DRINK.
- WELL, YOU HAVE TO DO THE HOMEWORK.
- I WAS DOING THE HOMEWORK, COMMANDANT.
- NO, YOU WEREN'T DOING IT RIGHT.
THE BINDER SAYS TO LIST
OUR PARTNER'S POSITIVE QUALITIES WITH EXAMPLES.
NOW, HAVE YOU DONE ANY OF THE--
- FINE.
"WARREN IS VERY, VERY GOOD AT BEING CONTROLLING."
- "CONTROLLING" HAS TWO "L"s.
LET ME SEE WHAT ELSE YOU WROTE.
- GET AWAY FROM ME. - LOIS,
SHOW ME WHAT YOU WROTE.
I DON'T WANT TO LOOK RIDICULOUS THIS WEEK.
- THAT'S RIGHT. ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS HOW YOU LOOK.
WELL, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO TO THIS THING.
WHY CAN'T WE JUST GO TO BADEN-BADEN
LIKE WE TOLD EVERYBODY?
WELL, MAYBE IT'S WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW.
- [spitting]
- THIS THING IS GOING TO BE A WASTE OF TIME.
- YOU ARE SO DAMNED NEGATIVE.
YOU DON'T THINK WE NEED A LITTLE HELP?
HOW ABOUT THE SEX? WHAT ABOUT THE SEX?
- I AM NOT WITHHOLDING SEX FROM YOU. I AM TIRED.
CAN'T I EVER BE TIRED? IS THAT ALLOWED?
- WELL, I'M NEVER TOO TIRED.
PUT THAT ON THE LIST. THAT'S A GOOD QUALITY.
- OH, YES, YOU'D LIKE
FOR EVERYONE TO SEE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?
- WHAT? ALL OF A SUDDEN
DISCUSSING OUR SEX LIFE IS VERBOTEN?
- UGH. THAT FACE.
- WHAT FACE?
- YOUR LANGUAGE FACE.
"VERBOTEN, OOSBACH."
- I NEVER MAKE THAT FACE.
- YOU HAVE A FACE FOR EVERYTHING.
HERE IS YOUR "HOW IS MY HAIR?" FACE.
OH, AND MY FAVORITE,
"WE'RE OUT OF VERMOUTH?"
- I NEED THE VERMOUTH
TO PUT UP WITH YOUR PHONINESS.
"OH, WE'RE OFF TO BADEN-BADEN.
OH, ROBERT, HOW WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU AGAIN."
[kissing]
COME ON, YOU KNOW THE GUY FREAKS YOU OUT.
- YOU ARE EXACTLY THE SAME,
AND THESE ARE NOT THE PEOPLE
TO TELL THAT YOU'RE GOING TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING.
- LOIS, IT'S ONLY FOR A WEEK.
- OH, YES, ONLY A WEEK OF MARRIAGE COUNSELING
IN NEW JERSEY.
IT'S LIKE GETTING SHOT AND THEN HUNG.
- HANGED.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU LAST NIGHT?
DID YOU GO OVER TO YOUR PARENTS' TO SLEEP?
- WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?
NO, I SLEPT IN THE DAMN GARAGE.
- WHAT? YOU SLEPT IN THE CAR?
- NO, I SLEPT ON THE SLED.
- HONEY, WHY?
- I WAS TRAPPED DOWN THERE.
YOUR PARENTS WERE DOWN HERE YAPPING,
AND I FELL ASLEEP, WAITING FOR THEM TO GO UPSTAIRS.
- WHAT, SO YOU WERE HIDING FROM THEM?
- THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT PERSONAL STUFF.
- SO?
- YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY WERE SAYING?
- "WHAT'S THAT SMELL IN THE GARAGE?"
- IT WAS ABOUT THEIR TRIP...
THEIR FAKEY-FAKE TRIP...
TO THAT FOREIGN PLACE.
- WHAT, BADEN-BADEN?
- MM, SEE? YOU WANT TO KNOW.
THEY'RE NOT REALLY GOING THERE.
THEY'RE GOING TO NEW JERSEY.
- NEW JERSEY?
- FOR A WEEK WITH A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR.
THAT'S RIGHT.
- HUH.
- "HUH?" THAT'S IT?
THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GONNA SAY? "HUH"?
COME ON, THIS IS BIG DOINGS HERE, SISTER, HUH?
SHE--HE HATES THAT SHE'S A PHONY,
AND SHE HATES HIS "OOSBACH FACE."
- YOU KNOW WHAT, RAY? THAT--IT'S A PRIVATE MATTER.
AND MY PARENTS, UNLIKE YOURS,
DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO INFLICT THEIR LIVES
ON EVERYBODY ELSE.
- OR MAYBE THEY'RE A LITTLE EMBARRASSED
BECAUSE, AS IT TURNS OUT, THEY'RE NOT SO PERFECT.
- YEAH, OR MAYBE THEY'RE JUST TRYING
TO WORK OUT THEIR PROBLEMS BEFORE THEIR MARRIAGE
DEGENERATES INTO A SCREAMING MATCH
LIKE YOUR PARENTS'.
ARGUING ABOUT HOW DEEP A PAN IS BEFORE IT'S A POT.
[as Frank] "IF IT'S 3 INCHES, IT'S A POT.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT, MARIE."
[as Marie] "IF YOU CAN'T BOIL AN EGG IN IT,
IT'S NOT A POT, YOU JACKASS."
- HEY, EITHER WAY,
YOUR PERFECT LITTLE CONNECTICUT,
"OH, OH, MAKE SURE YOU CUT THE CRUST
OFF MY CUCUMBER SANDWICH" PARENTS ARE FRAUDS.
- YOU LISTEN.
IF MY PARENTS LIT AN ORPHANAGE ON FIRE
ON CHRISTMAS EVE,
THEY WOULDN'T BE AS BAD AS YOUR PARENTS!
HUH? - YEAH.
OH!
DROPPED THE TURKEY. DROPPED THE--
I ALWAYS WONDERED WHERE THE FLAVOR CAME FROM.
- OOH, NO RUNNING ON THANKSGIVING.
- WHERE AM I SITTING TODAY, DEB?
- UH, BETWEEN MY MOM AND YOUR MOM.
- GOT ANY HARD CIDER?
- OH, THE PARADE IS ON. I LOVE THE PARADE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - WHAT?
- YOU--YOU TURNED OFF THE PARADE
JUST 'CAUSE I SAID I LOVED IT?
- THAT WAS A COINCIDENCE.
- CHANGE IT BACK.
- NO.
- I'M SCRAPING THE MARSHMALLOWS OFF THE YAMS.
- YOUR PARENTS ARE A TREASURE.
- HEY, HEY, HAPPY TURKEY DAY, YOU IN-LAWS.
- HEY THERE. - YES, RAYMOND, THANKS AGAIN
FOR THE LOVELY ACCOMMODATIONS.
- THE COZIEST B & B ON LONG ISLAND.
- [laughs]
- THINK IT'LL BE AS COZY OVER IN EUROPE?
- OH, I DOUBT IT.
- [chuckles] SO DO I. YEAH.
- SO WHERE YOU KEEPING THE LIBATIONS LOCKED UP?
IT'S GOT TO BE AFTER 5:00 SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD.
- [laughs] - I'M WITH YOU, WARREN.
LET'S GET SNOCKERED. - [laughs]
- UH, DEBRA, LET ME HELP YOU.
- OH, THANKS, MOM. YEAH, RIGHT HERE.
SO HOW'S IT GOING?
- YEAH, HOW'S IT GOING?
- EVERYTHING'S FINE.
- OH, YEAH? - MM.
- I BET YOU'RE REAL EXCITED
ABOUT YOUR TRIP TO HAAGEN-DAAGEN.
- RAY...
- WHAT? I'M HAVING A CONVERSATION.
I CAN'T TALK TO MY WIFE'S MOTHER?
- PUMPKIN, CAN I INTEREST YOU IN AN APERITIF?
- OH, THAT WOULD BE LOVELY.
- HEY, MARIE, BEER!
- GET IT YOURSELF.
- HERE YOU ARE, MEINE LIEBCHEN.
- OH, THANK YOU, DARLING. MWA.
OH, JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT. WUNDERBAR! [laughs]
- MOM, MOM, THAT'S ENOUGH.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DEAR?
- IT'S ENOUGH, OKAY? I KNOW.
- WHAT? WHAT'S ENOUGH? WHAT DO YOU KNOW? WHAT?
- UH, NO--NOTHING, MARIE. IT'S PRIVATE.
- PRIVATE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, PRIVATE?
HEY--PRIVATE.
- UH, NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? UH, IT'S NOTHING, REALLY.
I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, MOM. OKAY, LET'S ALL, UH, EAT.
- OH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA, DEBRA.
EVERYTHING LOOKS DELICIOUS.
- GOOD, OKAY, MOM, YOU SIT HERE. DAD, YOU CAN SIT--
- NO.
- WHAT?
- I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.
- WARREN. - NO,
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO HIDE.
I'M TIRED OF THESE PRETENSIONS,
AND I'M TIRED OF THIS CHARADE.
AS IT HAPPENS, UH,
WE'RE NOT GOING TO BADEN-BADEN THIS WEEK.
WE'RE GOING TO PISCATAWAY.
- HEY, THAT'S FUNNY-SOUNDING.
- LOIS AND I ARE GOING FOR A WEEK OF MARRIAGE COUNSELING.
- [gasps]
- WELL, IT'S NOT A FULL WEEK.
SO CAN'T WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE?
- YEAH. [clears throat] - ROBERT,
HAS YOUR STONE PASSED?
- I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND YOU.
- I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S NOT HEALTHY
TO GO ON PRETENDING THAT EVERYTHING IS FINE
WHEN IT ISN'T.
- MA, YOU WANT TO PUT THE TURKEY DOWN?
- NO.
- WHO ARE YOU TO TALK ABOUT HEALTHY
WITH YOUR ANAL-RETENTIVE BEHAVIOR?
WHY DON'T YOU TELL EVERYONE
ABOUT HOW YOU KEEP YOUR LEFT SOCKS
IN YOUR LEFT DRAWER
AND YOUR RIGHT SOCKS IN YOUR RIGHT DRAWER?
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
- MAYBE DR. SHEELY WILL HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY
ABOUT ALL OF YOUR PENT-UP HOSTILITY.
- MY HOSTILITY? - THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU OUGHT TO SEE THIS WOMAN IN TRAFFIC.
CURSES LIKE A STEVEDORE.
- WELL, IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF THE TRAFFIC, WARREN.
IT'S BECAUSE OF YOUR INSANE WHISTLING.
- THE WHISTLING DROWNS OUT THE PROFANITY!
- WELL, PUCKER UP, WARREN, BECAUSE HERE IT COMES!
- OKAY, MOM, DAD, PLEASE JUST CALM DOWN.
- WHY DID YOU TELL DEBRA ABOUT THIS?
- I DIDN'T TELL DEBRA. - THEN HOW DID SHE KNOW?
- RAY HEARD YOU. HE WAS HIDING IN THE GARAGE.
- I WASN'T HIDING, ALL RIGHT?
I CHECKED THE OIL, OKAY?
AND IT'S A GOOD THING I DID, BECAUSE WE'RE A QUART LOW.
- WELL, WONDERFUL.
NOW EVERYBODY KNOWS.
I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, WARREN.
- SWEET BASTARD, I'M GETTING HAPPY. [laughs]
- IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, DEAR?
- OH, HE IS JUST IMPOSSIBLE.
- GO ON.
- MO-MOM, ARE YOU-- - OH, IT'S--
IT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR. WE'RE TALKING.
- I AM SO TIRED OF MY OPINION COUNTING FOR NOTHING.
EVERYTHING HAS TO BE HIS WAY.
I'LL SWEAR, EVER SINCE HE RETIRED,
IT'S NOT LIKE I'M HIS WIFE ANYMORE.
I'M HIS EMPLOYEE,
AND IT'S ALL I CAN DO TO KEEP FROM STRANGLING HIM.
- I FEEL SO CLOSE TO YOU.
- DO YOU KNOW HE MAKES ME IRON HIS JEANS?
HE INSISTS THAT THEY HAVE A CREASE.
- AT LEAST HE CAN WEAR JEANS.
I MEAN, THE LAST TIME I GOT A PAIR FOR FRANK,
IT WAS FROM THE MATERNITY JEANS.
AND--AND I TOLD HIM THEY WERE JUST STRETCHY.
- [laughs]
- OH, MY GOD.
- HEY, YOUR PARENTS SEEM TO BE DOING OKAY. IT'S NICE.
- IT'S NOT NICE.
MY FATHER JUST SAID, "HOLY CRAP."
- WHAT? YOU ALWAYS WANTED OUR PARENTS TO GET ALONG.
- YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T WANT MY PARENTS TO CONVERT.
LOOK AT 'EM. - YOU'RE RIGHT, MARIE.
DEBRA COULD GET THIS RUG A LOT CLEANER.
- [mumbling]
- OHH, FRANK, I GOT TO TELL YOU,
I OVERDID IT THIS YEAR. AH.
- YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED, PAL?
A PAIR OF MY SPECIAL STRETCHY PANTS.