[whistle blowing on TV]
[doorbell rings]
- HEY, CAN YOU GET THAT, MAN?
- IT'S YOUR HOUSE.
- MY PRETZELS.
- SOMEDAY I'LL HAVE A SATELLITE DISH,
AND YOU WON'T SEE ME NO MORE.
- HELLO. RAYMOND?
- EVEN BETTER.
I'M ROBERT, THE BROTHER.
- WELL, HI, I'M CAROL MARSHALL
FROM HUMM VAC CLEANING SYSTEMS INTERNATIONAL.
- OH, PLEASE, COME IN. - OH, THANK YOU.
AH, YOU MUST BE RAYMOND. - YEAH. HI.
- HI. I SPOKE TO YOUR WIFE LAST NIGHT
ABOUT COMING BY TO DEMONSTRATE OUR SYSTEM.
- OH, RIGHT. YEAH, OH, THE VACUUM.
YEAH, BUT I THOUGHT SHE SAID
THAT WE DIDN'T NEED A NEW VACUUM CLEANER.
YEAH, SHE DID. I REMEMBER BECAUSE
IT WAS RIGHT BEFORE SHE TOLD ME THAT I HAVE
TO GO PICK UP SOMETHING FROM SOMEWHERE.
OH, YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN
TO CATCH ANY OF THAT, DID YOU?
- SORRY.
YEAH, SO WHEN WE SPOKE LAST NIGHT,
THINGS DID SEEM PRETTY HECTIC,
SO SINCE I HAPPEN TO BE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
I WONDERED IF MAYBE NOW MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME
TO COME SHOW YOU HOW WONDERFUL THE HUMM VAC IS,
AND TO OFFER YOU THIS COMPLIMENTARY LINT BRUSH.
- YEAH. I DON'T KNOW.
MY WIFE SAYS I'M REALLY NOT SUPPOSED TO--
- COME ON, RAY. IT'S COMPLIMENTARY.
- MAY I, ROBERT?
THIS WON'T HURT A BIT.
SEE?
- EW. COOL.
- AND THAT IS YOURS FOR BEING SUCH A GOOD PATIENT.
- THANK YOU.
YOU WERE VERY GENTLE. - OH.
OH, HERE, I HAVE ONE FOR YOU TOO.
- OH. OH.
THANK YOU.
LISTEN, IT'S TOO BAD THAT MY WIFE ISN'T HERE,
'CAUSE SHE'S REALLY THE VACUUMER.
- OH. WELL, ALL I KNOW
IS IF I WERE MARRIED AND MY HUSBAND
MISSED OUT ON A CHANCE TO MAKE MY LIFE 50 TO 75% EASIER,
WELL, I MIGHT BE A LITTLE ANNOYED.
- SO THERE'S NO MR. HUMM VAC?
PRETZEL?
vacuum whirring]
[door closes]
- AAH!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME.
- WHAT IS THAT?
- THIS IS SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE--
THE HUMM VAC ESPRIT.
- WHAT, YOU BOUGHT THIS?
- YUP.
- YOU HEARD ME TELL THE LADY ON THE PHONE
THAT WE DO NOT NEED A VACUUM CLEANER.
- I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT IT TURNS OUT,
WE REALLY DO.
SHE SHOWED ME ALL THE DIRT.
- YOU LET HER IN HERE?
WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE.
HOW GOOD-LOOKING WAS THIS SALESLADY?
- YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE WAS QUITE GOOD-LOOKING,
BUT I'M NOT AFRAID TO SAY THAT,
'CAUSE THAT'S HOW GOOD THIS MACHINE IS.
I WOULD HAVE BOUGHT THIS FROM AN UGLY MAN!
- YOU ARE SUCH A SUCKER.
- A SUCKER FOR A GREAT PRODUCT.
[vacuum cleaner hums] YOU HEAR THAT?
YOU HEAR THAT HUM?
THAT'S A FULLY INSULATED 4-HORSEPOWER MOTOR.
THAT, MADAM, IS THE SOUND OF CLEAN.
IS IT VERSATILE, YOU ASK?
CHECK THIS OUT.
I DID THIS WHOLE SECTION IN 30 SECONDS.
CREVICE ATTACHMENT-- BOOM. DONE.
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK, THAT'S VERY NICE.
- WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
WATCH THIS.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS.
THESE PILLOWS SEEM CLEAN ENOUGH--
TO THE NAKED EYE.
IN A REGULAR VACUUM,
THERE'S NOT ENOUGH SUCTION POWER
TO PICK UP ALL THE DIRT
THAT THE BEATER BAR KICKS UP.
- RAY, TURN IT OFF. I VACUUMED THERE YESTERDAY.
- YOU COULD'VE VACUUMED HERE FOUR OF FIVE TIMES
YESTERDAY WITH YOUR OLD VACUUM.
- RAY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY PILLOW?
- PATIENCE, MY DEAR. LOOK.
THE HUMM VAC, IT HAS UP TO 50 TIMES
MORE SUCTION POWER.
IT PULLS UP DUST, DEAD SKIN, PET DANDER,
WHAT HAVE YOU, DEPOSITS IT ALL
INTO THIS WATER RESERVOIR.
NO BAGS. - OKAY.
LISTEN, YOU'RE CALLING HER BACK AND RETURNING IT!
- STILL SKEPTICAL, MRS. BARONE?
WELL, I DON'T WANT TO FRIGHTEN YOU,
BUT THIS IS WHAT YOUR OLD VACUUM
HAS BEEN MISSING.
- WOW.
- IT'S WHAT WE CALL THE "WOW FACTOR."
THEY BUILD IT RIGHT INTO THE SYSTEM.
THIS IS THE FILTH THAT YOUR FAMILY'S
BEEN BREATHING.
NOW YOU JUST DUMP IT RIGHT DOWN THE DRAIN.
- THAT IS PRETTY AMAZING. - YEAH.
NOW I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THE DRAPES.
- YOU'RE GONNA DO THE DRAPES?
- NO, NO, SILLY.
THE HUMM VAC'S GONNA DO THE DRAPES.
I'M JUST GONNA TAKE THE CREDIT.
[vacuum whirring]
- I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE ATTRACTED TO YOU
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
- WANT TO TRY?
- OKAY.
- YOUR FIRST TIME.
I ENVY YOU.
- HELLO, DEARS.
[vacuum cleaner shuts off] - HI, MARIE.
- HI. I WAS PASSING BY MY WINDOW,
AND I COULDN'T HELP SEEING INTO YOUR WINDOW.
AND I NOTICE YOU BOUGHT A NEW VACUUM.
- IT'S AMAZING WHAT THIS THING PICKS UP, MARIE,
AND NO BAGS! - NO BAGS!
- I AM SO GLAD THIS WORKED OUT.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- WELL, WHEN THE SALESLADY CALLED ME AND TOLD ME
SHE HAD THE GREATEST CLEANING INNOVATION
SINCE THE BROOM, I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF YOU.
- YOU SENT HER OVER HERE?
- OF COURSE.
- I DID NOT KNOW THAT.
- WELL, YOU TWO ENJOY.
I WOULD NEVER WANT TO INTERFERE WITH HOUSEWORK.
- NOW MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME TO TELL YOU
ABOUT THE FREE EUCALYPTUS ROOM FRESHENER.
TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF. I JUST VACUUMED UP THERE.
[knock on door]
- HI, MARIE. - HELLO, DEAR.
- AM I INTERRUPTING ANYTHING?
- OH, NO. I'M JUST LETTING FRANK'S PANTS OUT AGAIN.
IT'S IN GOD'S HANDS NOW.
- UM, YOU KNOW, MARIE, SOMETHING WAS BOTHERING ME,
AND I JUST WANTED TO ASK YOU ABOUT IT.
- OF COURSE, DEAR.
WHAT IS IT?
- [clears throat]
WELL, UM,
YOU KNOW THIS AFTERNOON WHEN YOU SAID
THAT THE SALESLADY TOLD YOU THAT SHE HAD
THIS GREAT NEW CLEANING DEVICE,
YOU IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF ME.
WHY WAS THAT?
- [laughs]
- NO, REALLY, MARIE, WHY?
- IS THIS A TRICK QUESTION?
- UH, NO.
IT JUST SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS IMPLYING
THAT I DON'T KEEP A CLEAN HOUSE.
- WELL, NOW YOU HAVE A LITTLE HELP.
[laughs]
- BUT YOU DIDN'T FEEL THE NEED
TO BUY A HUMM VAC?
- WELL, THAT MACHINE IS FOR PEOPLE--
IT'S LIKE, IF YOU HAVE A BAD LEG,
THEN YOU NEED CRUTCHES.
- AND YOUR LEGS ARE FINE?
SO THERE'S NO DIRT IN THIS HOUSE?
- NOT SINCE I'VE LIVED HERE.
- REALLY? - MM-HMM.
- THANK YOU. - OKAY.
OH, YOU BROUGHT YOUR NEW VACUUM HERE.
DO YOU NEED ME TO SHOW YOU HOW TO USE IT?
- NO. NOPE.
I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
I JUST WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
- YOU'RE GOING TO VACUUM MY HOUSE?
- YOU KNOW, MY HOUSE MIGHT APPEAR
TO BE A BIT MORE CLUTTERED THAN YOURS,
AND, YEAH, ALL RIGHT,
THERE'S THE OCCASIONAL CRUMB, DIRTY DISH.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT THERE'S NO DIRT.
YEAH, THERE IS, BUT THAT'S EVERY HOUSE.
EVERY HOUSE HAS DIRT, MARIE,
EVEN THIS ONE.
[vacuum cleaner whirring]
- WELL, I MUST SAY,
I THINK THAT MAYBE YOU'RE GOING A LITTLE BIT--
- EXCUSE ME, MARIE. - OKAY, OKAY.
- THIS IS WHAT WE CALL A HIGH-TRAFFIC AREA.
- YOU'RE GOING AGAINST THE NAP.
DID ANYONE EVER TEACH YOU ABOUT NAP?
- OKAY.
NOW, LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT WHAT WE LIKE TO REFER TO
AS THE "WOW" FACTOR.
- THAT WATER LOOKS VERY CLEAN.
WOW! [laughs]
- WELL, LET-- LET ME JUST, UH,
LET ME JUST TRY UNDER THE COUCH, OKAY?
THERE WE GO.
[vacuum cleaner whirring]
'CAUSE IT CAN GET PRETTY NASTY UNDER HERE.
OKAY.
DAMN IT.
- IS IT ME, OR DOES THAT WATER
LOOK EVEN CLEANER?
- WELL, I'M STILL
KIND OF GETTING THE HANG OF THIS, SO--
- YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, DEAR,
THAT VACUUMS DON'T CLEAN HOUSES.
PEOPLE CLEAN HOUSES.
- YOU KNOW, MAYBE I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THIS
PUSHED ALL THE WAY IN. THAT'S IT.
- WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME TO KEEP GOING.
IT'S PROBABLY GOOD PRACTICE.
- WHERE ARE MY PANTS, MARIE?
I'M FREEZING HERE! - OH! COMING, FRANK!
OH, YOU'VE WORKED UP QUITE A SWEAT.
WHEN I COME BACK, I'LL BRING YOU
SOMETHING COOL TO DRINK.
- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - GIVE ME YOUR SHOES!
- WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- YOU AND THE KIDS WERE IN THE SANDBOX
THIS MORNING, WEREN'T YOU? - YEAH. WHY?
OH, NO, DID PARKER'S CAT GET IN THERE?
- COME ON!
I NEED SOME DIRT!
I'M GONNA SHUT YOUR MOTHER UP,
ONCE AND FOR ALL.
- YOU GONNA FILL HER MOUTH WITH DIRT?
- NO, ON THE RUG.
SHE'S GONNA SEE SHE NEEDS THIS VACUUM LIKE ANYBODY ELSE.
- COME--OW! UNTIE IT FIRST!
- OH, COME ON, GIVE ME THE OTHER ONE.
- OH, NO.
- DAMN IT, THE ONE DAY THAT YOU'RE NOT A PIG!
- I THINK YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE NUTS HERE.
- OH, IT'S PLASTIC. IT'S PLASTIC!
EVEN HER DIRT'S NOT DIRT!
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?
IT'S THIS STUPID VACUUM CLEANER.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO BUY IT!
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! DON'T! STOP IT!
- HEY, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE YELLING?
- I DON'T THINK DEBRA COULD FIND ANY DIRT.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT, THERE'S NO DIRT HERE.
YOU WIN, BUT I AM SICK OF YOU
MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON BECAUSE
I DON'T KEEP MY HOUSE EXACTLY THE WAY YOU DO.
A CLEAN HOUSE IS NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING IN THE WORLD.
- YOU KNOW WHO SAYS THAT?
A MESSY PERSON.
- ALL RIGHT,
AS HARD AS THIS IS FOR YOU TO BELIEVE, MARIE,
I DO LIKE TO KEEP A NEAT HOUSE.
I'M JUST NOT GOING TO SPEND EVERY SPARE MINUTE CLEANING IT.
- THERE ARE NO SPARE MINUTES.
YOU HAVE A FAMILY TO CARE FOR.
THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.
- YES, I DO. I CARE FOR MY FAMILY.
I SPEND MY TIME ENJOYING THEM,
NOT STERILIZING THEM!
- ARE YOU SAYING I DON'T LOVE MY FAMILY?
- NO, THAT'S NOT-- - BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING
IN THE WORLD THAT I LOVE MORE THAN MY FAMILY.
- OW!
- EASY.
- NO, IT'S JUST THAT THIS HOUSE IS SO CLEAN
AND SO ARRANGED, IT'S NOT EXACTLY
THE WARMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD.
- HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?
- WELL, I MEAN, COME ON-- PLASTIC SLIPCOVERS.
- THAT'S TO PROTECT THE UPHOLSTERY.
- OH, ALL RIGHT, SO IT PROTECTS THE UPHOLSTERY,
BUT HOW DO YOU THINK IT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL?
- HOT AND STICKY,
ESPECIALLY IN THE SUMMER
WHEN I'M IN MY ALTOGETHER.
- I SAY THANK THE LORD FOR THE SLIPCOVERS.
- OH, COME ON, RAY.
YOU MAKE JOKES ABOUT THOSE SLIPCOVERS ALL THE TIME.
- YOU JOKE ABOUT MY SLIPCOVERS?
- NO WAY. NO, THAT'S NOT MY STYLE.
- WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT THE PLASTIC
AND THE POWDER ROOM AND THE GUEST TOWELS?
- TELL ME, RAYMOND.
- JUST THAT, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE THERE'S--
THERE'S CHINA THAT WE NEVER USE,
AND THERE'S TOWELS THAT WE NEVER TOUCH.
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE SAVING EVERYTHING
FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION THAT HASN'T HAPPENED YET.
[laughs]
IT'S NOT EVEN A JOKE. IT'S MORE LIKE
A HUMOROUS OBSERVATION.
- [chuckles] HE'S RIGHT.
WHAT ARE THOSE LITTLE TOWELS WITH THE GOLD FRINGE FOR?
FOR WHEN THE POPE COMES OVER HERE
TO USE THE DOWNSTAIRS CAN?
- BE QUIET.
- I'M USING 'EM. - NO, YOU'RE NOT.
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, RAYMOND?
- OH, COME ON, MA. IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
- I'M JUST TRYING TO GIVE MY FAMILY
THE NICEST AND CLEANEST HOME I CAN.
- AND YOU DO.
- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, RAYMOND.
WHEN YOU BOYS WERE LITTLE,
YOU WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE IN THE DIRT,
AND THEN YOU'D TROMP THROUGH HERE
LIKE IT WAS A BUS STATION,
AND ROBERT WITH HIS GIGANTIC FEET,
IT WAS LIKE HAVING A HORSE IN THE HOUSE.
[laughter]
NO, NO. IT WAS NOT FUNNY, NO.
IT WAS ALL I COULD DO TO TAKE CARE OF THIS PLACE.
- HI.
- TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES. - HUH?
- TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.
YOU'RE NOT IN A BARN.
- DO WHAT SHE SAYS. WE'LL GIVE YOU A CARROT.
- WELL, WHAT'S GOING ON? - OKAY, YOU SEE, MARIE?
THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
YOU'RE SO OBSESSED WITH THE HOUSE BEING CLEAN,
LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOUR SON.
- ALL RIGHT. FINE, FINE.
PUT YOUR SHOES BACK ON AND
GALLOP AROUND HERE ALL YOU WANT.
- WHAT? - PUT THEM BACK ON!
- YEAH, AND CHECK THE EXPIRATION DATE
ON YOUR FEET.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- EVERYONE WANTS ME TO CHANGE?
I CAN CHANGE.
I'M TAKING THE COVERS OFF.
- BUT WHERE ARE WE GOING TO SIT?
- YOU CAN SIT RIGHT HERE ON THE COUCH,
BECAUSE I DON'T CARE ABOUT THESE THINGS ANYMORE.
I'M NOTHING IF I'M NOT FLEXIBLE.
- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, MARIE?
WE CAN SIT ON THE COUCH?
- BE MY GUEST, FRANK. GO AHEAD.
- SO WE CAN REALLY SIT THERE,
ON THE ACTUAL COUCH?
- GO AHEAD. ENJOY.
- YOU FIRST. - NO.
- WOULD YOU SIT? IT'S A COUCH!
- YOU SEE, DEBRA?
I CAN CHANGE. I CAN LET GO.
IT'S NICE FABRIC, ISN'T IT?
- IT'S VERY NICE.
- I FEEL A LITTLE NAUGHTY.
- CAN'T WAIT TILL SUMMER.
- HEY, HEY, WHAT ABOUT YOU, MARIE?
YOU'VE SPENT ALL THESE YEARS
KNOCKING YOURSELF OUT CLEANING.
YOU SHOULD ENJOY THIS.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
THANK YOU, DEBRA.
EXCUSE ME.
THIS IS NICE.
- [yelling] DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- LOOK WHAT YOU DID! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
- YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS, GIVING ME THE SKUNK EYE!
- WE'RE PUTTING THE PLASTIC BACK ON.
- NO, NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- LOOK, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- YOU CAN PUT THE COVER BACK IF YOU WANT.
YOU KNOW, DO WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY.
MY FAMILY COMES FIRST.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE THOSE CUSHIONS OUTSIDE
AND SHAKE THEM OUT FIRST.
COME ON, I'LL SHOW YOU HOW.
- COME ON.
WE'LL SHAKE THEM OUT.
CAN YOU DO THE CHIPS, DEBRA?
CAN YOU PICK THEM UP, PLEASE?
- [sighs] YEAH. NO PROBLEM.
JEEZ.
[vacuum cleaner whirring]
- HEY, TAKE A BREAK, ALREADY.
- OH, MAN, ISN'T THIS THING GREAT?
I WISH THEY MADE ONE OF THESE YOU COULD RIDE.
- HERE, I MADE YOU A MEAT LOAF SANDWICH.
- OH, THANKS.
- MOSTLY SUNNY SKIES TODAY WITH BRISK EASTERLY WINDS.
EXPECT A HIGH NEAR 52 DEGREES,
CLEAR TONIGHT, WITH A LOW NEAR 41.
TOMORROW--
AAH!
YOU SEE, OUR OLD VACUUM COULDN'T DO THIS.