- OH, HONEY, YOU LOOKS SO BEAUTIFUL.
OKAY.
SO YOU GO WAIT OUT IN THE CAR,
AND DADDY WILL BE RIGHT OUT, ALL RIGHT?
- BYE, MOMMY. - BYE, SWEETIE.
AWW.
[chuckles]
RAY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WHY CAN'T YOU TAKE HER TO THIS THING?
- [sighs] BECAUSE IT'S A FATHER-DAUGHTER DANCE.
- THINK THEY HAVE A FATHER-DAUGHTER POKER NIGHT
AT THE RACETRACK.
- AND YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD LOVE?
ASK ONE OF THE OTHER FATHERS
TO FILM YOU TWO DANCING.
- [groans] - FAST AND SLOW.
- [groans] - OKAY?
AND STAY THE FULL TWO HOURS.
- [groans] - HAVE A GOOD TIME.
- THERE BETTER BE BOOZE AT THIS THING.
- WATCH ME, DADDY.
- HEY, THAT'S GOOD. WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE, 21, 22 NOW?
- I'M NINE.
- OH, RIGHT, NINE.
YEAH.
[chuckles]
- HELLO, RAYMOND.
WANT TO MAKE A BABY?
- AHH.
- OH. MWAH. MWAH. MWAH. MWAH. MWAH.
- UH-HUH.
DEB, DEB, JUST W-WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE. - WHAT?
- WELL, WE'VE BEEN HAVING SEX EVERY DAY
FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS.
I'M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT.
- OKAY.
- WHAT--UGH.
BOY, YOU REALLY WANT A KID, HUH?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? DON'T YOU?
- YEAH, I GUE-- - HUH?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- WELL, WHAT?
I MEAN, WASN'T THIS THE PLAN?
WE'VE BEEN TRYING FOR THREE MONTHS.
AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT SAID YOU WANTED
A LITTLE RAY OR RAYMONA?
- YEAH.
YEAH, I-I DON'T KNOW.
- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE KIDS?
- DOES IT HAVE TO BE RIGHT THIS SECOND?
- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE TELLING ME THIS NOW.
YOU JUST DON'T WANT RESPONSIBILITY.
THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. YOU'RE A BABY.
- YES, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY
ABOUT BABIES HAVING BABIES; IT'S A CRISIS.
- MY GOD.
THIS IS ALL I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT FOR--
FOR--FOR A YEAR.
- WELL, I MEAN, MAYBE YOU SHOULD
DEVELOP SOME OTHER INTERESTS.
LOOK, WAIT, STOP, LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING IS--
IS YOU SHOULDN'T GET SO NUTTY ABOUT BEING PREGNANT.
- WELL, WHY THE HELL NOT?
- WELL, FIRST OF ALL, THE LANGUAGE,
NOT REALLY FOR CHILDREN.
LET'S JUST LET IT HAPPEN, OKAY?
IF IT HAPPENS, THEN IT HAPPENS.
- NO, NO, YOU HAVE TO KEEP AT IT.
THERE'S ONLY SO MANY DAYS PER MONTH.
- I'M JUST SAYING THAT WE SHOULDN'T
GET OUR HOPES UP, OKAY?
IN CASE--
YOU KNOW.
WHATEVER.
- RAY, YOU DO KNOW
THAT THREE MONTHS OF TRYING ISN'T THAT LONG, RIGHT?
- HEY, DON'T LOOK AT ME. I DON'T EVEN WANT
TO TALK ABOUT IT. - OH, SWEETIE.
IT'S NORMAL, REALLY.
- I DON'T KNOW. I GOT THIS FEELING.
- YEAH? A FEELING?
- THREE MONTHS,
WE SHOULD HAVE HAD A KID ALREADY.
- NO, LISTEN, RAY, I'M TELLING YOU.
- LOOK, MY FATHER SAID SOME STUFF, OKAY?
US BARONES, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE REALLY "VIREAL."
I MEAN, I-I SHOULD HAVE--
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO IMPREGNATE YOU BY NOW.
- YOUR DAD SAID THAT?
- HE SAID KNOCK YOU UP, BUT YEAH.
- RAY, LOOK, HONEY,
MY GYNECOLOGIST SAID THAT IT MIGHT TAKE SEVERAL MONTHS
TO KNOCK ME UP.
OH, HONEY, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
WE HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
- I GUESS IF IT'S A GIRL,
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE RAYMONA.
I ALSO LIKE ALEXANDRA--
ALLY.
- YEAH. I LIKE THAT.
- MY FATHER'S AN IDIOT.
- YEAH, YEAH, YOU KNOW, I COULD USE
LESS OF A FRANK IMAGE RIGHT NOW.
[buzzer]
- OH, HI, MARIE.
- HI, DEAR. HI. - COME ON IN.
RAY'S NOT EVEN HOME YET.
FRANK AND ROBERT STILL PARKING?
- OH, FRANK'S LOOKING FOR A BROKEN METER.
IF ROBERT WASN'T WITH HIM, HE'D BREAK ONE HIMSELF.
I MADE YOU SOME APPETIZERS FOR TONIGHT.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, DEAR.
- OH, PLEASE, ANYTIME YOU WANT TO COME OVER WITH FOOD,
YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME. - OKAY. [laughs]
SO HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? - GOOD, AND YOU?
- GOOD.
YOU'RE PREGNANT.
- NO, I'M NOT. - YES, YOU ARE.
- YES, I AM. [both screaming]
- OH, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
- OH, SO AM I.
- WHEN DID YOU FIND OUT? - TODAY!
I HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD RAY YET.
- YOU HAVEN'T? OH, HOW EXCITING. - YES!
- OH, YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE SUCH A GOOD MOTHER.
- OH, YOU'RE GOING TO BE SUCH A GOOD GRANDMOTHER.
- I KNOW. [laughter]
- HEY. - HEY.
SO YOU FOUND A PARKING SPACE, FRANK?
- [halting stutter]
- I HATE ALL THESE DAMN FIRE HYDRANTS.
I'M GLAD DOGS PEE ON THEM.
- SORRY ABOUT THAT, FRANK.
YEAH, DAMN FIRE HYDRANTS.
[laughter]
SO HOW ARE YOU DOING, ROBERT?
- ACTUALLY, I'M DOING GOOD.
I MET A GIRL. - OH, REALLY?
WHAT'S HER NAME? - JOANNE.
OH, SHE'S GREAT.
WE'VE ONLY BEEN OUT ONE TIME,
BUT I REALLY THINK THAT THIS--
- DEBRA'S PREGNANT!
- IT'S TRUE! IT'S TRUE!
I JUST FOUND OUT.
OH.
- NOW I FEEL BAD GOING ON ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO PARK.
- UNCLE ROBERT, NO, NO, NO, UNCLE BOBBY, YES.
"HEY, UNCLE BOBBY, WHAT'S UP?"
"AW, NOTHING MUCH, KID. I JUST--"
OH, YEAH.
- OKAY, SO LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN.
RAY DOESN'T KNOW YET, SO WHEN HE GETS HOME,
YOU HAVE TO LET ME--
- RAYMOND! MY BEAUTIFUL BOY.
- HEY.
- SO HOW WAS WORK?
- OH, GOD, MY EDITOR IS SUCH AN IDIOT.
- OKAY, SO YOU HAD A BAD DAY,
BUT HOW ABOUT EVERYBODY ELSE?
I MEAN, YOUR FATHER'S FINE, AND I'M FINE,
AND ROBERT'S THE SAME AS ALWAYS.
BUT HOW--HOW WAS YOUR DAY, DEBRA, HUH?
- YEAH, IT-- IT WAS OKAY, MARIE.
- YOU OKAY, MA? - YES.
- BUT THE QUESTION IS, HOW IS DEBRA?
- WHAT'S GOING ON? - NOTHING. WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT, MARIE, WHY DON'T YOU GO
BREAK OUT YOUR APPETIZERS?
- YEAH, MA, GO GET THOSE. - OKAY, OKAY.
BUT NOBODY TALK UNTIL I GET BACK, ALL RIGHT?
OH, IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT'S A FUN GAME TO PLAY?
SILENT INDIAN, THE NO-TALKING GAME.
PLAY THAT.
- HEY, WHAT? WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT? DEBRA, WHAT? WHAT THE HELL?
- RAY, OUR FIRST FEW YEARS TOGETHER
HAVE BEEN A JOY TO ME--
- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING OUT--RAYMOND!
- AND I THINK OF OUR-- OUR LIFE TOGETHER
AS A JOURNEY-- - HEY!
DON'T YOU WANT YOUR APPETIZERS?
- A GREAT JOURNEY, AND ALONG THIS PATH--
[pounding on door]
- NO, MA, STOP!
- ALONG THIS PATH, WE WOULD SHARE
MANY JOYFUL MOMENTS TOGETHER,
MOMENTS THAT WE WILL REMEMBER--
OKAY!
I'M PREGNANT!
- WHAT?
[pounding stops]
- PREGNANT! DEBRA'S PREGNANT!
[laughing]
- DEBRA, DEAR, I MADE YOU SOME PASTA.
- OH, NO, THANKS. I'M NOT HUNGRY, MARIE.
- HIT ME. I'M OPEN.
- BUT YOUR BABY'S JUST THREE WEEKS AWAY.
YOU NEED YOUR STRENGTH.
- I KNOW, BUT I TOLD YOU THE DOCTOR SAID
I SHOULDN'T BE EATING ANYTHING HEAVY.
- SO YOU'RE JUST GOING TO DO EVERYTHING THE DOCTOR SAYS?
WHEN I WAS WITH CHILD,
I ATE THREE HEALTHY MEALS A DAY,
AND LOOK HOW MY BOYS TURNED OUT.
- STOP EATING IMMEDIATELY.
- WELL, I THOUGHT SOME MOTHERLY WISDOM
WOULD BE APPRECIATED, BUT I GUESS I'M NOT WORTH--
- OKAY, I'LL EAT IT. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
- NO TROUBLE, DEAR. I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU SOME TEA.
PREGNANT WOMEN LOVE TEA.
- COME OUT!
NO, NO, I GOT IT.
- HUH? WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT?
- NOTHING.
I'M GOING TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
- OKAY. HURRY BACK, MOMMYCAKES.
- HEY, OKAY, I GOT SOME BIG NEWS,
AND I WANTED TO TELL YOU GUYS FIRST.
[deep breath] ALL RIGHT.
I'VE BEEN DATING JOANNE FOR ABOUT SIX MONTHS NOW,
AND I THINK THAT I JUST MIGHT HAVE FOUND MY DEBRA.
SO AFTER CAREFUL DELIBERATION,
I HAVE DECIDED THAT I'M GOING TO ASK HER--
- MY WATER JUST BROKE.
- WHAT? - HOLY CRAP!
- COME ON, WHAT-- ARE YOU SURE?
- VERY, VERY, VERY MUCH SO.
- WHAT--NO, NO, THE BOOK SAYS THIS STUFF
AIN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN FOR, LIKE, THREE WEEKS NOW.
- OH, REALLY? LET ME SEE THAT.
MY WATER JUST BROKE, RAY!
I THOUGHT THE PAINS IN MY BACK WERE FROM YOUR MOTHER,
BUT APPARENTLY THEY'RE CONTRA--AAH!
- OOH! YEAH, "CONTRA--AAH!" YOU'RE HAVING "CONTRA--AAH!"?
- C-CONTRACTIONS. DEFINITELY A CONTRACTION.
- ARE YOU SURE? - [growls]
YEAH, OKAY, DEFINITELY. YEAH, DEFINITELY.
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO?
DON'T YOU HAVE TO GO A-AWAY FROM HERE?
- OH, NO, I DON'T HAVE A ROUTE
MAPPED OUT TO THE HOSPITAL FROM HERE.
- SHH, QUIET. I DON'T WANT MARIE TO KNOW.
LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE. - WHAT--
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER?
- LOOK, AFTER WE'RE IN THE HOSPITAL
AND WE'RE WELL UNDERWAY, THEN YOU CAN TELL HER.
- WHAT'S WELL UNDERWAY?
- KINDERGARTEN. AAH.
I DON'T WANT HER IN MY DELIVERY ROOM.
- MAYBE SHE COULD JUST BRING COOKIES.
- I AM GOING TO BITE YOUR NOSE RIGHT OFF.
- MAYBE YOU GIVE US A HEAD START, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, COME ON. EASY, EASY, EASY.
- OOH, WHAT'S GOING ON? - NOTHING.
- UH, RAY AND I WERE JUST THINKING OF TAKING
A LITTLE WALK. RIGHT, RAY? - MM-HMM.
- WE WERE JUST GOING TO TAKE A WALK AROUND THE BLOCK.
- YEAH. HMM.
- ROBERT, YOU WANT TO COME WITH US?
- I DON'T KNOW. DO I?
- I JUST THOUGHT THAT SINCE YOU'RE A COP,
MAYBE WE COULD WALK A LITTLE FASTER,
LIKE, RIGHT THROUGH THE RED LIGHTS...
SINCE YOU'RE A COP.
- OH, YEAH. RIGHT.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. LET ME GET MY JACKET.
- NO, NO, NO. - NO, NO, NO.
- MA, YOU SHOULD, UH--
I DON'T KNOW. WHY DON'T YOU JUST STAY?
- WELL, WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
- BECAUSE-- BECAUSE, UH, UH--
OH, HI, HONEY. MWAH, YEAH.
UH, MOM--
- M-MARIE, UH, UH--
YOU SHOULD STAY HERE. - WHY, FRANK?
- 'CAUSE...
THEN YOU AND I COULD HAVE SOME...
ALONE TIME.
- REALLY?
OKAY, WELL,
I GUESS WE'LL SEE YOU KIDS IN A WHILE.
- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT.
- I HOPE EVERYBODY REMEMBERS THIS MOMENT
WHEN IT'S TIME TO NAME THE BABY.
- [groans]
- WAIT A MINUTE, ROBERT. WHICH WAY ARE YOU GOING?
THIS IS THE L.I.E. I SAID TO TAKE THE BRIDGE!
- LOOK, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
I--UH-OH.
- WHAT "UH-OH"? WHY "UH-OH"?
- UH, UH, WELL, THERE SEEMS TO BE A LITTLE TRAFFIC.
- TRAFFIC! TRAFFIC!
- BRIDGE! I SAID THE BRIDGE!
- A-ALL RIGHT THEN.
THERE MUST BE AN ACCIDENT UP AHEAD.
- WELL, GO AROUND THEM. JUST PUT YOUR SIREN ON.
- THERE'S NO ROOM TO MOVE.
A SIREN WOULD JUST ANNOY PEOPLE.
OH, MAYBE THE BRIDGE WOULD HAVE BEEN FASTER.
- WOULD HAVE BEEN FASTER TO PUT A STAMP
ON HER BUTT AND MAIL HER.
- [groans]
OH, MY GOD! - WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
- OH! OH! THE BABY IS COMING RIGHT NOW!
- KEEP YOUR LEGS TOGETHER!
- OH, MY GOD! OH!
OH! THIS IS IT! THIS IS IT!
- DISPATCH, THIS IS OFFICER BARONE.
I'M ON THE L.I.E. I GOT A WOMAN IN LABOR.
I NEED AN AMBULANCE ON THE WOODHAVEN EXIT.
OVER!
- OH!
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- OH! - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- IF NEED BE, I'M DELIVERING THIS BABY.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT A DOCTOR.
- RAYMOND, I'VE HAD TRAINING IN EMERGENCY CHILD DELIVERY.
- NO, NO, I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE.
- YOU DON'T TALK ANYMORE. MOVE OVER!
COME ON. COME IN HERE, ROBERT.
[groaning]
[panting]
- HOLY MOSES.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
- I-I'M WAITING FOR THE BABY, RAYMOND.
- YOUR EYES GOT TO BE SO OPEN?
- ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING NEED SOMETHING TO WRAP THE BABY IN.
RAYMOND, GIVE ME YOUR SHIRT.
- WHAT? NO, NO, NO.
- PUNCH HIM AND TAKE THAT SHIRT, ROBERT!
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
MAN, THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
THIS IS AGAINST GOD.
THOU SHALT NOT LOOK AT THY BROTHER'S WIFE THERE.
- THAT'S NOT A COMMANDMENT.
- IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE A COMMANDMENT.
IT'S SO BAD, GOD JUST FIGURED THAT IT WAS UNDERSTOOD.
- OH! AAH! AAH!
RAY, RAY, WHERE'S MY RELAXATION MUSIC?
- I DON'T HAVE THE TAPE, HONEY. - HONEY, I NEED MY MUSIC.
- I DON'T HAVE THE-- - I GOT TO HAVE MY MUSIC!
- [singing] YOU ARE THE SUNSHINE OF MY LIFE
WHOA
THAT'S WHY I'LL ALWAYS BE AROUND--
YOU'RE LOOKING TOO MUCH. - WHAT THE--STOP IT.
- [singing] YOU ARE THE APPLE OF MY EYE--
- STOP IT, STOP IT! - STOP BOTHERING HIM!
HE'S DELIVERING OUR CHILD!
- ALL RIGHT, WELL, DELIVER ALREADY.
START DELIVERING!
- WELL, ACTUALLY, DEBRA, YOU'RE--YOU'RE--
YOU'RE NOT SET TO POP.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- WELL, I-I DON'T THINK I'M SEEING
WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE SEEING.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU'RE SEEING EVERYTHING!
WHAT ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SEE?
- A HEAD!
- NO, MAYBE IT'S NOT HURTING SO MUCH ANYMORE.
- WELL, YOU STOP LOOKING THEN. STOP LOOKING.
- I THINK I'LL GO BACK UP THERE
AND WAIT FOR THE TRAFFIC TO START MOVING...
IN CASE THE TRAFFIC STARTS MOVING.
- AW, YOU DID GREAT, HONEY, JUST GREAT.
- THANKS.
- HERE YOU GO, RAY.
HERE'S YOUR LITTLE GIRL.
- OH, BOY.
[baby cooing]
- OH, LOOK AT HER, RAY.
- HI, ALLY.
- EXCUSE ME.
WE CAN'T HOLD YOUR MOTHER BACK ANY LONGER.
SHE JUST TURNED OVER A GURNEY.
- OKAY, LET THEM IN.
WE SHOULD KEEP THE BABY BETWEEN US AND HER
LIKE A SHIELD.
- OH. - OH, LOOK AT HER.
- YEAH, HERE SHE IS.
- THERE SHE IS.
[sniffs] THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH.
I'M SUCKING IN THAT YOUTH.
[sniffs] OH, MAN, IS THAT GREAT STUFF?
- YEAH. [laughter]
MA, YOU WANT TO SEE THE BABY?
- I SEE HER.
VERY NICE.
- MARIE, I WANT YOU TO HOLD HER.
- NO, NO. IT'S FINE.
I KNOW MY PLACE.
GIVE HER TO ME. OH!
OH, OH, ALLY, SWEET BABY.
I'M YOUR GRANDMA, SWEETIE.
- OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO NEED A LITTLE PRIVACY NOW.
IT'S TIME FOR OUR FIRST BREAST-FEEDING LESSON.
- AW. - OKAY, GUYS.
- OH, ALLY, SWEETIE.
- YEAH, WE'LL SEE GRANDMA SOON. - I'LL COME BACK.
YES. - OKAY.
- OKAY. BYE.
- SEE YOU GUYS DOWNSTAIRS.
- DO I HAVE TO GO? 'CAUSE I ALREADY--
- YOU'VE SEEN ENOUGH!
[upbeat music]
[applause]
- DO YOU WANT TO GO HOME NOW?
- NO, NO, WE CAN STAY.
[Stevie Wonder's "You are the Sunshine of my Life"]
WANT TO DANCE WITH ME?
- THAT'S OKAY. YOU DON'T LIKE THE SLOW SONGS.
- NO, I WANT TO.
IT'S GOING FAST ENOUGH.
- [singing] THAT'S WHY I'LL ALWAYS BE AROUND
- [singing] YOU ARE THE APPLE OF MY EYE
FOREVER YOU'LL--