- OH, GOD, I'M EXHAUSTED.
[groans]
I COULD FALL ASLEEP RIGHT HERE.
- ALL RIGHT, OKAY. I GET IT.
- GET WHAT?
- YOU DON'T GOT TO DO THE WHOLE "I'M TIRED" SHOW.
DON'T WORRY.
I WILL NOT BE...BOTHERING YOU THIS EVENING.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU THINK THIS IS AN ACT
SO I WON'T HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU?
- NOT MUCH OF AN ACT.
YOU COULD JAZZ IT UP WITH A SONG OR TWO.
AND--AND BY THE WAY,
I WASN'T GONNA DO ANYTHING LATER ANYWAY, OKAY, SO...
YOU DON'T GOT TO INSULT ME WITH YOUR PREEMPTIVE STRIKE.
- YOU'RE NUTS.
- ADMIT IT.
YOU CAME IN HERE TO TELL ME YOU WERE TIRED
SO I WOULD LEAVE YOU ALONE LATER.
- I DID NOT!
- WHY CAN'T YOU ADMIT IT?
- [sighs]
- LOOK, YOU'RE TIRED, RIGHT? YOU HAD A LONG DAY.
SO WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU WOULD WANT TO DO LATER?
- WELL, YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT ABOUT THAT.
- HUH. SEE? I KNOW.
I KNOW WHEN PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.
YOU'RE TALKIN' TO AN EXPERT.
- OKAY, SO LET ME ASK YOU THIS...
HOW COME YOU'RE ONLY PICKING UP
THAT "I'M TIRED" MEANS "NO SEX TONIGHT"?
HOW COME "I'M TIRED" DOESN'T ALSO MEAN
"GEE, I COULD REALLY USE SOME HELP IN THE KITCHEN
WITH ALL THOSE DISHES"?
- WHAT AM I, A MIND READER?
announcer: ANOTHER SEASON OF "EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND."
[grunting]
[triumphant instrumental music]
[laughter]
- HEY.
- HI.
- HOW'S YOUR BOOK?
- IT'S REALLY GREAT.
- YEAH?
- YEAH, IT TAKES PLACE IN THE 19TH CENTURY--
- THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.
- RAY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WHAT? YOU'RE UP.
- SO WHAT?
- SO I-I COME IN HERE,
YOU'RE UP; YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD.
YOU'RE NOT TOO TIRED.
- WHO SAYS I'M NOT TOO TIRED?
ALL I'M DOING IS READING.
- SO YOU CAN STAY UP TO READ,
BUT YOU CAN'T SPARE TWO MINUTES FOR SEX?
- LOOK, I'M SORRY, RAY, OKAY?
IT'S NOT LIKE I'M TRYING TO TRICK YOU.
I AM TIRED,
AND I THOUGHT I WOULD DO A LITTLE READING
BEFORE I FELL ASLEEP.
- ALL RIGHT.
THERE ARE OTHER THINGS WE COULD DO A LITTLE
BEFORE WE BOTH FALL ASLEEP.
I MEAN, WE'RE NOT TALKIN' ABOUT RUNNIN' A MARATHON HERE.
WE'RE JUST GOING TO ROLL AROUND A LITTLE, YOU KNOW?
I FIND IT VERY RELAXING AND RESTFUL,
BUT WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW?
[sighs] YOU GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD--
- RAY, COME ON.
- IF A BOOK ABOUT THE 19TH CENTURY
DOESN'T PUT YOU TO SLEEP, HOW TIRED CAN YOU BE?
SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT YOU WOULD RATHER READ?
- TONIGHT, YES.
- DO ME A FAVOR, IF THERE'S PEOPLE HAVING SEX IN THAT BOOK,
COULD YOU READ OUT LOUD?
- HERE, ONE OF YOU TRY THIS.
- OH, GOD!
THIS IS AWFUL!
- I THOUGHT SO. IT'S DEBRA'S.
IT'S GONE BAD.
ALTHOUGH, WITH DEBRA,
IT PROBABLY DIDN'T HAVE FAR TO GO.
- WAIT A MINUTE. LET ME SEE THAT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. THIS IS NOT GOOD.
THE UNDERPART'S A LITTLE BETTER.
- WHAT IS IT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S GOT A CRUNCH,
BUT I DON'T THINK THAT'S ON PURPOSE.
- OH, HELLO, RAYMOND.
- MA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M CLEANING YOUR FRIDGE.
I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ONE ITEM, BUT ONCE I OPENED IT...
WELL, DEAR, IT'S NOT GOOD NEWS.
- MA, YOU--YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS.
OH. ALL RIGHT, DO IT TO THAT.
JUST HURRY UP BEFORE SHE GETS BACK.
- WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?
- YOU FINISHED THAT?
- YEP.
- AND NOW WE WAIT.
- WHAT DID YOU BUY, RAYMOND?
- OH, UH...NO, IT'S NOTHING.
- OH, SOMETHING SENSITIVE.
- WHAT IS IT?
- NO, IT'S JUST SHIRTS.
- YOU BOUGHT SHIRTS?
BY YOURSELF?
- YES.
- LET'S SEE THESE...SHIRTS.
- I WOULD NOT BE COMFORTABLE WITH THAT, ALL RIGHT?
- WHY THE HELL NOT?
- BECAUSE, THEY'RE...
UNDERSHIRTS.
- ARE YOU TRYING TO HIDE SOMETHING?
- MIND YOUR BUSINESS, MA. ALL RIGHT?
- SENSUOPOLY.
THE BOARD GAME OF LOVE AND INTIMACY.
- IT'S A GAG GIFT THAT I GOT FOR A FRIEND OF MINE
WHO...LOVES GAGS.
- OH, REALLY?
AND WHO IS THIS LOVER OF GAGS?
WOULD HIS NAME START WITH AN "R"
AND END WITH AN "AYMOND," HMM?
- GIVE ME THE GAME.
- I'VE HEARD OF THESE GAMES. THEY'RE FOR ADULTS ONLY.
- OH, MY GOD.
- GONNA SPICE THINGS UP, EH, RACY?
- DAD, NO. IT'S JUST--
- OH, RAYMOND. ANOTHER SEX GAME?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WELL, IT'S LIKE THE OTHER ONE YOU HAD WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER
WITH ALL THE COLORED DOTS.
- TWISTER?
- DON'T THINK I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON DOWNSTAIRS.
- WHAT? I PLAYED WITH ROBERT.
- I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE.
- THIS GAME MUST BE DEBRA'S DOING.
- WELL, IT'S NOT.
- I SHOULD HAVE GUESSED WHEN I OPENED THE FRIDGE
WITH TWO BOTTLES OF WHITE WINE?
ARE YOU SWINGERS?
- ALL RIGHT, MA.
YOU JUST ASKED IF I WAS A WIFE-SWAPPER.
- NOW, THERE'S AN IDEA.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO SWAP.
I'LL JUST MAKE A DONATION.
- I SURE HOPE YOU'RE BETTER AT THIS
THAN YOU WERE AT TWISTER.
AS I REMEMBER, YOU HAD NO FLEXIBILITY AT ALL.
POOR DEBRA.
- NO, YOU SHOULD CLOSE YOUR CURTAINS TOO.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHO'S LOOKING INTO THE WINDOWS.
- I GOT A PRETTY GOOD IDEA.
- HEY.
- WHAT'S UP?
- MOM!
- WHATEVER YOU DO IN YOUR BEDROOM IS YOUR BUSINESS.
- SENSUOPOLY?
- IT'S NOT FROM ME. IT'S FROM HIM.
- RAY, WHAT IS GOING ON?
- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GOING ON.
FOR ONCE I'D LIKE TO BRING A GAME INTO THIS HOUSE
WITHOUT BEING ACCUSED OF HAVING SEX WITH MY BROTHER.
- LISTEN, SWEETHEART...
EVERYBODY'S MAKING A BIG FUSS OVER NOTHING.
NOW, I LOOKED AT THE BACK OF THE BOX,
AND FROM WHAT I COULD SEE...
TO BE CONTINUED.
- OKAY, KIDS ARE DOWN.
- YEAH. LISTEN...
SORRY ABOUT THE EMBARRASSMENT TODAY WITH THE GAME AND ALL.
YOU KNOW, I JUST-- I WENT TO THE STORE TO TRY
TO BUY YOU A FUNNY CARD. YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE OF LAST NIGHT.
BUT THEY'RE NOT FUNNY. THEY'RE JUST STUPID.
THERE'S ONE FUNNY ONE-- THE OLD GUY WITH NO TEETH...
[muffled] LIKE THIS...
BUT, YEAH, I COULDN'T REMEMBER
IF I GOT YOU THAT FOR VALENTINE'S DAY OR NOT SO...
YOU KNOW, SO I JUST--
I GOT YOU THAT GAME JUST TO SAY,
YOU KNOW, "HA HA."
- IT'S OKAY, RAY.
COME ON, LET'S GO PLAY.
- WHAT?
WHAT?
YOU REALLY WANT TO PLAY THIS?
EVEN THOUGH MY MOTHER KNOWS WE HAVE IT?
- WE'VE ALREADY GOT THE GUILT.
WE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE THE FUN.
- WELL, ALL RIIIGHT!
- OKAY. HERE'S THE DIRECTIONS. I'VE ALREADY READ THEM.
- HEY, I DON'T NEED DIRECTIONS.
I MEAN, IT'S BEEN A WHILE, BUT I REMEMBER.
- OKAY, SO IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE.
YOU JUST ROLL THE DICE,
AND YOU DO WHATEVER IT SAYS ON THE SQUARE YOU LAND ON.
- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT?
NOW, SOME OF THE SQUARES ARE NAUGHTY...
- HANG ON.
GO AHEAD.
- AND SOME ARE ROMANTIC.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
- OKAY, SO I'LL GO FIRST.
THIS IS ME. THAT'S YOU.
- ALL RIGHT, COME ON, BUDDY, PUT YOUR GAME FACE ON.
OOH, OOH...
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
STOP, STOP, STOP. OKAY, READY?
- OOH, LUCKY NUMBER SEVEN.
- OKAY, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN.
"KISS YOUR LOVER
AS THOUGH THEY ARE ABOUT TO CLIMB MOUNT EVEREST."
- OH, YEAH.
- OKAY.
RAY! RAY, RAY, STOP IT!
RAY!
IT'S YOUR TURN.
- I LOVE THIS GAME.
- RAY, COME ON! RAY!
YOU'VE GOT TO ROLL!
- HEY, I'M CLIMBING EVEREST.
I COULD BE DEAD TOMORROW.
- LISTEN, RAY!
- I'M GOING AWAY!
- WOULD YOU ROLL THE DICE?
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
THREE. ONE, TWO, THREE.
"TELL YOUR LOVER SOMETHING ABOUT YOU THEY DO NOT KNOW."
I'M BACK FROM EVEREST!
- RAY! RAY, COME ON. WOULD YOU...STOP IT!
WOULD YOU STOP?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SHARE SOMETHING WITH ME.
- I'M TRYING TO!
- COME ON.
- WHERE ARE THE FUN SQUARES?
- THE BLUE SQUARES ARE NAUGHTY.
THE PINK SQUARES ARE ROMANTIC.
- PINK.
- ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU.
- ALL RIGHT. SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW.
- OKAY.
- WELL...THIS AFTERNOON
WHEN I WAS TRYING TO GET YOU SOMETHING...
- YEAH?
- I STOPPED AND GOT A CHILI DOG.
- JUST GIVE ME THE DICE. - WAIT, COME ON.
THERE'S NOTHING BUT PINK SQUARES.
HOLD ON, WHERE'S BLUE? RIGHT HERE'S BLUE.
THE FIRST BLUE ONE--
"WITHOUT USING YOUR HAND,
REMOVE A PIECE OF YOUR LOVER'S CLOTHING."
OH, YEAH. [gnawing sound]
HOLD ON, WHAT DO I NEED?
I NEED A ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE.
OKAY, FIVE'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
COME ON, FIVE, BABY.
- IF WE GET A THREE,
WE GET TO WRITE EACH OTHER A POEM.
- OH, GOD! PLEASE, NO.
PLEASE, FIVE! COME ON, FIVE! FIVE!
FEVER IN THE CATHOUSE, THE DOCTOR AIN'T HOME.
- HA! NINE.
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL MOVE IT FOR YOU.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,
SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE-- A BLUE ONE!
- NO, NO, YOU COUNTED THAT SQUARE TWICE.
- NO, I DIDN'T. I DIDN'T.
- ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE.
- I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GETTING INTO THE SPIRIT OF THE GAME.
- LET ME READ THE SQUARE.
"WITHOUT TALKING,
STARE INTO YOUR LOVER'S EYES FOR THREE MINUTES."
- WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- THREE MINUTES.
- DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THREE MINUTES IS?
IT'S LONG. ASK AN EGG.
- DO IT.
- ALL RIGHT, LET ME SET MY THING.
OKAY.
READY, GO.
- PUT IT DOWN!
- I DON'T THINK WE'RE GETTING WHAT'S INTENDED HERE,
'CAUSE YOU'RE STARTIN' TO LOOK LIKE THE DEVIL.
- ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW, FORGET IT.
- NO, NO, NO!
IT'S JUST THAT MY EYES ARE BLURRY, THAT'S ALL!
COME ON.
I DIDN'T SAY IT'S NOT ROMANTIC.
RIGHT, THE DEVIL'S HOT.
- WHY CAN'T YOU LOOK INTO MY EYES?
- BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO BEAUTIFUL.
- OH!
- LOOK, THE GAME'S OBVIOUSLY RIGGED, ALL RIGHT?
THERE'S TWICE AS MANY PINK ROMANTIC SQUARES
AS NAUGHTY BLUE ONES.
- WHY DID YOU BUY THE GAME, RAY, HUH?
THAT'S WHAT I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY DID YOU BUY IT IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO PLAY?
- I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN.
IT'S GOT SOMETHING FOR BOTH OF US:
SEX FOR ME, READING FOR YOU.
- YOU REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS GAME IS FOR, DO YOU?
- YES, I HAVE AN IDEA.
THE GAME IS TO GET YOU IN THE MOOD.
REMEMBER THE MOOD?
- NO, THIS GAME IS NOT ABOUT MY MOOD.
THIS GAME IS SUPPOSED TO IMPROVE OUR SEX LIFE.
- YEAH, WELL, THEN I GOT THE WRONG GAME.
I SHOULD'VE GOT THE GAME
THAT GETS YOU TO HAVE A SEX LIFE.
- OH, YES, YOU'RE THE POOR SEX-STARVED HUSBAND.
- YEAH, AND YOU'RE THE POOR PUT-UPON WIFE
WHO DOESN'T GET ANY ROMANCE.
- NO, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT ROMANCE.
I WANTED TO PLAY THIS GAME FOR OTHER THINGS TOO.
- YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
I DON'T HOLD YOUR HAND ENOUGH,
WATCH YOU SLEEP, LISTEN TO YOUR HEARTBEAT,
MUH, MUH, MUH...
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
WHAT YOU CALL ROMANCE, IT'S ALWAYS CHANGING.
SOMETIMES IT'S THAT YOU WANT FLOWERS,
AND THEN OTHER TIMES-- OTHER TIMES--
HOW ABOUT THE TIME YOU GOT EXCITED
'CAUSE I BROUGHT HOME A BUCKET OF CHICKEN?
WHY? WHAT IS ROMANCE?
TELL ME WHAT IT IS. I'LL DO IT EVERY TIME.
- LISTEN, RAY, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU AND THE ROMANCE.
I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU AND...THE BLUE SQUARES.
- WHAT? THE BLUE SQUARES?
THE BLUE ONES ARE THE SEX ONES!
WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
WHAT?
OH.
THE BLUE SQUARES.
- IS IT ALL RIGHT IF WE TALK ABOUT IT?
- [whispers] GO AHEAD.
- ALL RIGHT. WELL...
FIRST OF ALL, I LOVE YOU.
- OOHHH...
- BUT WHEN WE ARE
MAKING LOVE...
- OOHHH...
- RAY, JUST LOOK AT ME. - NO.
- I'M YOUR WIFE.
YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS.
COME ON.
- YOUR WIFE IS THE LAST PERSON
YOU WANT TO HEAR THESE THINGS FROM.
- WHO WOULD YOU RATHER HEAR IT FROM?
- SOMEBODY WHO DOESN'T HAVE ANY PROOF.
- LOOK, THIS ISN'T EASY FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT EITHER.
- HOW BAD IS THIS?
- NO, IT'S NOT BAD, AND IT'S NOT JUST YOU.
- WHO ELSE?
- ME!
RAY, IT'S ABOUT US.
LISTEN. JUST LISTEN.
I NEED...
MORE...
VARIETY.
- VARIETY?
YOU NEED VARIETY?
OH, I GOT THAT.
I WAS WORRIED YOU WERE GOING TO MENTION MY--
WELL, WHY BRING IT UP?
BUT VARIETY? I AM VARIETY. I'M ED SULLIVAN.
VARIETY.
WASN'T I THE GUY WHO CAME INTO THE BEDROOM
WITH THE COWBOY HAT ON?
HOW ABOUT THE TIME I WAS THE FIREMAN
AND YOU WERE THE BURNING SORORITY HOUSE?
- WELL, I MEAN, BY VARIETY, I MEAN...
LOOK, THE COWBOY AND THE FIREMAN ARE FUN,
BUT ONCE THEY TAKE THEIR HATS OFF,
THEY'RE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I NEED THEM TO BE...
LESS...SELFISH.
- NOW, HOLD ON.
HOLD ON. I AM NOT SELFISH!
IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU WANT--ANYTHING--I DO IT!
YOU WANT ME TO BE MORE FLEXIBLE?
I'M FLEXING!
YOU WANT ME TO TALK IN AN ACCENT?
"YOU GO' IT, GUV'NER." HUH?
COME ON, JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- I WANT...
- WHAT?
- SEE, THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT I WANT?
- SO I WILL KNOW.
- DO YOU KNOW HOW DEPRESSING THAT IS,
THAT AFTER 12 YEARS, YOU DON'T KNOW?
WHY DO I HAVE TO SAY IT OUT LOUD?
WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "PAYING ATTENTION"?
- YOU ONLY SEEM TO PICK UP THE SIGNALS THAT AFFECT YOU.
LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT "I'M TIRED" MEANS
BECAUSE IT MEANS NO FUN FOR RAYMOND.
BUT IF I GIVE YOU THE "GO" SIGNAL,
THEN YOU JUST STOP PAYING ATTENTION.
I COULD SHOOT OFF A FLARE IN HERE,
AND YOU WOULDN'T EVEN NOTICE.
- SORRY.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
- SURE.
- AFTER 12 YEARS, I SHOULD KNOW YOU, RIGHT?
- THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
- AFTER 12 YEARS, SHOULDN'T YOU KNOW ME?
I MEAN, YOU COULD HAVE REALIZED
THAT I WASN'T GETTING YOUR SIGNALS AFTER...
YEAR THREE.
I MEAN, YOU HAD TO KNOW THAT YOU WERE MARRIED TO A GUY
WHO OCCASIONALLY MIGHT MISS A THING OR TWO,
AND MAYBE YOU MIGHT HAVE TO...
SPEAK UP.
- I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK UP.
- WHY NOT?
- IT'S EMBARRASSING.
- NOT AS EMBARRASSING AS FINDING OUT
YOU'VE BEEN DOING IT WRONG FOR 12 YEARS.
- YEAH. I--
YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY.
OKAY, I'LL TRY TO SPEAK UP MORE.
- OKAY, GOOD.
THAT'S GOOD.
SO YOU WANNA START SPEAKIN' UP?
- OKAY.
BUT YOU'LL TRY TO BE A LITTLE MORE AWARE, RIGHT?
- YEAH, YEAH! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
- OKAY, AND I DON'T MEAN JUST IN THE BEDROOM.
- NO, NO, NO, NO!
- IF YOU SEE THE LAUNDRY LYING AROUND
OR THE BILLS ARE PILING UP OR THE GARBAGE--
- MAYBE WE SHOULD START WITH THE SEX
AND THEN SEE HOW FAR WE GET.
- RAY, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT, RIGHT?
- I DO. I HEAR YOU.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
- OKAY. THANK YOU, HONEY.
- SO ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT?
- I'LL GIVE IT A TRY.
- WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?
- I'D LIKE YOU TO HELP ME WITH THE LAUNDRY.