[doorbell rings] - MARIE, DOOR!
- I'M IN THE KITCHEN.
PUT YOUR PANTS ON AND GET IT YOURSELF!
- I GOT PANTS ON.
[doorbell rings]
I'M COMIN' ALREADY!
MARCO.
- IS THIS A BAD TIME?
- NO, NO, NO.
FOR YOU, I ZIP.
HEY, COME ON IN.
IT'S, UH, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- NICE SEEING YOU.
MAYBE SOMETIME WE PLAY BOCCE, LIKE IN ITALY.
- YEAH, GREAT.
SO HOW DO YOU LIKE LIVIN' IN AMERICA?
HOW'S THE RESTAURANT BUSINESS?
- AH, IT'S NOT LIKE HOME.
EVERYBODY, THEY STEAL HERE. ALL THE TIME.
- THEY DON'T STEAL IN ITALY?
- IN ITALY, THEY STEAL ONLY ONCE.
- YOU WANT A BEER?
- IS YOUR WIFE HERE?
- YEAH, BUT SHE WON'T BOTHER US.
SIT DOWN. OPEN YOUR PANTS.
- WHO IS IT--OH!
HELLO, MARCO. WHAT A NICE SURPRISE.
- BUON GIORNO.
- YEAH, BUON GIORNO.
THAT'S ITALIAN FOR "BEER, MARIE!"
- RIGHT AWAY, FRANK.
WOULD YOU LIKE IT IN A BOTTLE OVER YOUR HEAD
OR IN A CAN SOMEWHERE ELSE?
- SCUSA, MARIE, BUT I COME TO SEE YOU.
- REALLY?
- MY DAUGHTER STEFANIA SAYS
YOU'RE A GREAT TEACHER OF PIANO.
WITH RESPECT, I ASK YOU FOR FAVOR.
COULD YOU TEACH ME?
- WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING?
- MY MOTHER, ALL HER LIFE, SHE LOVES MUSIC.
SHE ALWAYS WANTS ME TO PLAY.
BUT THEN WHEN SHE GETS SICK, I PROMISE HER TO LEARN...
THEN SHE DIE.
- OH...
- SO YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK.
- FRANK!
THAT IS THE SWEETEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD, MARCO.
- BUT IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
I'M AFRAID NOW, MAYBE I'M TOO OLD.
- OH, NO, YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOUR MOTHER.
COME ON, I'LL TEACH YOU RIGHT NOW.
- NOW?
WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BEER HERE!
- BEER?
HERE IS A MAN WHO THIRSTS FOR SOMETHING MORE THAN ALCOHOL.
HERE'S A MAN WHO WANTS MUSIC IN HIS LIFE.
- I COULD USE A LITTLE MUSIC IN MY LIFE.
THE SWEET SOUND OF THE WHITE COATS
COMING TO TAKE YOU OFF TO THE NUT FARM.
- ANOTHER SEASON OF "EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND."
- [growling]
- HA, HA, HA.
- CAN'T KICK IT 55 YARDS.
JUST GO FOR IT.
- OH, NO, HE CAN MAKE THIS.
- IT'S GOOD.
- HE GOT IT. I CAN'T--
- YOU GOTTA BELIEVE!
- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
- HEY, YOU'RE GONNA WAKE THE KIDS.
BE QUIET. KEEP IT DOWN.
- YOU GOTTA BELIEVE.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE THE JETS ARE GOING TO WIN.
- HEY, DAD, THE JETS JUST TIED IT!
- GIVE IT UP, PAPA!
- GET AWAY FROM ME, YA MORON.
- WHAT'S WITH YOU?
- THE JETS, MAN. THEY TIED THE GAME.
- WOULD YOU CAN IT?
I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME HERE.
CHIPS, DEBRA!
- HEY, DAD, IF YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE THAT,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO WATCH THE GAME AT YOUR OWN HOUSE?
- I CAN'T.
YOUR MOTHER'S GIVING MARCO ANOTHER PIANO LESSON.
- DIDN'T HE HAVE ONE YESTERDAY?
- EVERY DAY...
FOR TWO WEEKS NOW.
- MARCO?
THE ONLY THING I SEE THAT GUY PLAYING
IS THE ORGAN IN A HAUNTED HOUSE.
- [chuckles]
- THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
- IT'S NOT JUST THE LESSONS ANYMORE.
THEY'RE HANGING OUT NOW.
THEY'RE FRIENDS.
- [sarcastically] CHIPS, FRANK.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, FRIENDS?
- THEY'RE TOGETHER ALL THE TIME PLAYING PIANO,
SWAPPIN' RECIPES.
SOMETIMES THEY SIT AND LISTEN TO OPERA...
AND CRY!
- SOUNDS LIKE THIS IS BOTHERING YOU A LITTLE BIT, FRANK.
- OPERA, JUST WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS...
MORE FAT WOMEN SCREAMING.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I THINK MAYBE YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT JEALOUS, FRANK.
- SHUT UP.
- [laughing]
[baby talk] ARE YOU A LITTLE JEALOUS, FRANKIE?
ARE YOU JUST A LITTLE BIT JEALOUS?
- NO, DON'T DO THAT, HONEY.
- YEAH, CAREFUL. WATCH YOUR FINGER.
- ALL RIGHT!
SO I'M A LITTLE JEALOUS!
HE SHOULDN'T BE WITH HER!
HE SHOULD BE WITH ME!
- WHAT? - HUH?
- HE WAS MY FRIEND FIRST!
WE PLAYED BOCCE IN ITALY.
NOW HE COMES IN THE DOOR-- IT'S LIKE I DON'T EXIST.
- OH, CHEER UP, DAD.
I'M SURE THERE'S A GUY OUT THERE FOR YOU SOMEWHERE.
- YEAH, MAYBE MARCO HAS A BROTHER...
IN THE BELL TOWER.
- I WANT HIM OUT OF MY HOUSE.
- SO THROW HIM OUT.
- RAY, LET YOUR PARENTS WORK THIS OUT FOR THEMSELVES.
- I'M JUST SAYING, YOU WANT SOMEONE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE,
YOU THROW 'EM OUT.
- YEAH, YOU'RE THE EXPERT.
- YOU, OUT!
I'M KIDDING. YOU STAY.
- HEY, HE CAN'T JUST THROW HIM OUT.
I MEAN, MARCO'S NOT THE KIND OF GUY YOU MESS WITH.
- MARCO?
THAT GUY'S NO BIGGER THAN A BAG OF LAUNDRY.
- REMEMBER WHEN HE TOOK OVER NEMO'S PIZZA?
AND I SAID, "WHAT HAPPENED TO NEMO?"
AND HE LOOKED AT ME WITH THAT FACE AND SAID,
"HE GO AWAY."
HAS ANYBODY SEEN NEMO SINCE?
HUH? POSTCARD?
ANYTHING? NO.
MARCO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE GO AWAY,
AND THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
- HE DON'T SCARE ME, AND I'M THROWING HIM OUT!
- OH, WAIT A MINUTE, FRANK.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL MARCO HOW YOU FEEL?
THAT YOU WANT TO BE HIS FRIEND TOO.
- WHAT AM I, WEARING A SKIRT AND MARY JANES?
I'M THROWIN' HIM OUT!
- SAY HI TO NEMO FOR US.
- AND STAY OUT!
[piano notes plinking]
- [speaking Italian]
- MARCO, NO, DON'T SMASH YOUR FINGERS.
YOUR FINGERS ARE YOUR TOOLS.
- I AM [speaking Italian ].
I'M A STINKY CODFISH.
- YOU'RE NOT A STINKY CODFISH.
YOU'RE A GOOD BOY WHO LOVES HIS MOTHER.
BUT COME ON, YOU ONLY HAVE A WEEK
TO LEARN THIS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.
- YOU SHOULD HAVE GREAT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, NOT ME.
- NONSENSE. YOU'RE GONNA BE WONDERFUL.
BUT KEEP PRACTICING,
AND THEN LATER, WE'LL MAKE BISCOTTI.
- I LIKE YOUR BISCOTTI.
- I'LL GO MAKE US SOME TEA.
- [practices piano]
[hits wrong note]
MM, MM, MMH!
- LISTEN, MARCO...
I GOT SOMETHIN' TO SAY TO YOU.
- AND I GOT SOMETHIN' TO SAY TO YOU.
SIT!
I CANNOT HELP BUT NOTICE
EVERY TIME I HAVE A LESSON, YOU LEAVE.
IT'S RUDE.
- I'M SORRY.
- NO, IT IS RUDE OF ME TO INVADE YOUR HOUSE
AND TAKE YOU AWAY FROM YOUR BEAUTIFUL WIFE.
- MY WHAT?
- FORGIVE ME.
YOU OPEN YOUR HOUSE TO ME,
AND I STINK IT UP.
- OH, HEY, HEY, IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME AT ALL.
- YOU ARE TOO KIND.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME?
- UH...
YOU PLAY POKER?
- I'M GOOD AT POKER.
- THERE'S A GAME AT MY LODGE TONIGHT.
YOU IN?
- IT WOULD BE HONOR,
BUT FIRST I BUY YOU DINNER AT MY RESTAURANT.
- DON'T HAVE TO ASK ME TWICE.
- TEATIME.
- UH, MARIE, I'M TAKIN' MARCO
TO THE LODGE FOR POKER.
- BUT MARCO HASN'T FINISHED HIS LESSON YET.
- MARIE, I'M DONE WITH PIANO.
I TRIED, BUT I CANNOT MAKE IT WORK.
- YOU'RE QUITTING?
YOU CAN'T QUIT. YOU PROMISED YOUR MOTHER.
- I KNOW. I KNOW, BUT...
SHE'S DEAD.
- BUT SHE CAN STILL SEE YOU.
- I'M SORRY, MARIE.
YOU COME TO HAVE DINNER WITH US.
- NO, NO. I DON'T THINK SO.
WHY DON'T YOU BOYS GO TO THE LODGE?
- YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE LODGE, MARCO.
THEY GOT CARDS, CHECKERS, A SWIMMING POOL.
IT'S GREAT. EVERYBODY SWIMS NAKED.
- IS THIS A HEATED POOL?
- HE'LL BE BACK.
ONE LOOK AT FRANK NAKED-- HE'LL BE BACK.
[kids screaming]
- STOP IT RIGHT NOW! GO TO SLEEP!
- NO, NO.
NO, IT'S NOTHING. DEBRA'S READIN' THEM A STORY.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, REMEMBER, WE'RE TEEING OFF AT 7:00.
OH, DON'T BE LATE. ALL RIGHT.
- WHY DIDN'T YOU COME UP AND HELP ME?
- I WAS TALKING TO GIANNI.
- DIDN'T YOU HEAR THE SCREAMING?
- I HEARD YOU SCREAMIN'.
- I'M GONNA KILL YOUR FATHER.
- OH, NO, MOM. DON'T.
- MARCO IS MY FRIEND. NOW I NEVER SEE HIM ANYMORE.
HE'S ALWAYS WITH YOUR FATHER.
THEY'RE WATCHING SPORTS OR SWIMMING NUDE AT THE LODGE.
- THERE ISN'T ENOUGH CHLORINE IN THE WORLD.
- I MEAN, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG,
I HAD A REAL COMPANION,
SOMEONE I COULD TALK TO.
DO SOMETHING, RAYMOND.
- ME? WHAT?
- TALK TO YOUR FATHER.
- NO, NO, STICK TO THE PLAN WHERE YOU KILL HIM.
- TELL HIM TO LEAVE MARCO ALONE.
- MA, I DON'T WANT TO GET IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS.
- I DON'T WANT YOU IN THE MIDDLE.
I WANT YOU ON MY SIDE.
- NO, LOOK, MOM, I THINK YOU AND DAD
CAN WORK THIS OUT YOURSELVES, RIGHT, DEB?
- NO, RAY.
TELL YOUR FATHER TO GIVE HER BACK HER FRIEND.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO "STAY OUT OF IT"?
- I FEEL FOR YOUR MOTHER.
- YOU DO? - YES.
- DO YOU THINK IT'S EASY
FOR MARIE TO MEET PEOPLE AND MAKE FRIENDS
WHEN SHE SPENT HER WHOLE LIFE
STUCK IN A HOUSE WITH A LUMP OF A HUSBAND
WHO, INSTEAD OF PUTTIN' HIS OWN KIDS TO BED,
IS ON THE PHONE WITH HIS PALS MAKIN' A GOLF DATE?
- WHY CAN'T YOU JUST HATE ONE MAN A TIME?
- HEY, MARIE, TICK-TOCK.
WHERE'S MY DINNER?
- RAYMOND HAS SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU.
- WHAT?
- [mumbling] WHAT...
- STAY AWAY FROM MARCO. - YEAH.
- SINCE WHEN DO YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO?
- I'M NOT--I'M NOT TALKING. THEY ARE.
- MARCO WAS MY FRIEND.
- OH, YEAH? HE TRADED UP.
- THAT'S IT, FRANK. THAT'S IT.
YOU ARE NOT INVITED TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.
- WHO NEEDS AN INVITATION? IT'S AT MY HOUSE!
- NOT ANYMORE!
I'M GONNA HAVE IT RIGHT HERE AT RAYMOND'S HOUSE.
- THANKS A LOT! - WHAT DID I DO?
- FORGET IT!
I'LL JUST GO TO THE LODGE WITH MARCO.
- YOU CAN'T; I'VE ALREADY INVITED HIM TO THE PARTY,
AND HE'S GONNA PLAY "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" TO ME ON THE PIANO.
- WHERE'S MY DINNER?
- AT THE LODGE.
- NEXT TIME, YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
[door slams]
- WHAT?
- YOU'RE REALLY WITH MY MOTHER ON THIS, HUH?
THAT'S THE HORSE YOU'RE BACKIN'?
- BETTER MY HORSE THAN YOUR JACKASS.
- HEY, MY JACKASS HAPPENS TO HAVE A POINT, OKAY?
HE'S RIGHT.
IF MARCO'S GONNA BE WITH ANYBODY,
IT SHOULD BE HIM, NOT HER.
- WHAT, YOUR MOTHER'S NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE A FRIEND?
- NOT A MALE FRIEND, NO. SHE'S MY MOTHER.
- SO?
- SO SHE'S A MARRIED WOMAN.
IT'S CREEPY.
- SO DOES THAT MEAN THAT I CAN'T HAVE ANY MALE FRIENDS?
- YOU CAN HAVE AS MANY MALE FRIENDS AS YOU WANT,
AS LONG AS THEY'RE ALL GAY.
- YOU KNOW, RAY, I MAY HAVE SOME PROBLEMS WITH YOUR MOTHER,
BUT SHE CAN BE FRIENDS WITH WHOEVER SHE WANTS,
AND I'M GONNA DO WHATEVER I CAN TO ENCOURAGE HER.
- ALL RIGHT, FINE!
BUT FROM NOW ON IN MY HEAD, MARCO'S GAY.
[doorbell rings]
- OH.
MARCO.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARIE.
- THIS IS MY COUSIN GINA
AND MY NEPHEW GERARD.
AND THIS MY DEAR FRIEND MARCO FOGANOLO.
I FOUND HIM IN ITALY.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- ISN'T HE DELIGHTFUL?
- HE LOOKS SO AUTHENTIC.
- I NEVER MET AN ITALIAN FROM ITALY BEFORE.
[slowly] HELLO...
- WHERE'S FRANK?
- OH, FRANK'S NOT COMING.
- WHY NOT?
- HE'S SICK-- SWINE FLU.
- COME ON, RAY, ARE YOU GONNA SIT THERE ALL DAY?
JUST JOIN THE PARTY.
- NO, NO. IT'S NOT RIGHT.
MY MOM AND HER... BOYFRIEND.
- I THOUGHT YOU MADE HIM GAY.
- YEAH, WELL, I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS THAT.
NO, I MEAN, COME ON, MY DAD SHOULD BE HERE.
- HMM, WHAT IS IT THAT YOU MISS THE MOST--
THE BURPING, THE FINGER IN THE FROSTING,
HIS WIPING HIS MOUTH ON THE CURTAINS?
- IF YOU MUST KNOW, I MISS THE SHIRTTAIL OUT THE FLY.
- AAAARH! COME ON!
[groaning]
- BE CAREFUL, ROBERT, YOU'LL SCRATCH THE FINISH.
- MA.
MA, WHY IS YOUR PIANO COMIN' INTO MY HOUSE?
- OH, IT'S FOR THE PARTY.
MARCO'S GONNA PLAY ME "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."
- UHHH!
THANKS, EVERYBODY. I GOT IT.
YEOW! OOH! GAW!
OOOOH!
OH!
- IS IT YOUR BACK?
- NO. I'M FROM JAPAN.
I BRING GREETINGS FROM THE EMPEROR.
- RAY, GET HIM SOME ICE.
- FABULOUS PARTY.
- AAH!
WHAT ARE YOU--
WHERE'D YOU COME FROM?
- THE LAUNDRY ROOM.
- HOW LONG YOU BEEN HIDING IN THERE?
- LONG ENOUGH TO SEE YOU COULD USE SOME NEW UNDERWEAR.
- YEAH, WELL, I COULD USE SOME NOW.
- GET MARCO IN HERE. I WANT TO TALK TO HIM.
- RAY, WHERE'S THE--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- BURPING.
NOW MAYBE I'LL WIPE MY MOUTH ON THE CURTAIN.
- UHH, UHH, UHH, UHH, UHH, UHH...
- AW, COME ON.
IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A GRAND PIANO.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I'M JUST STOPPING BY TO SEE IF MY FRIEND MARCO
WANTS TO PLAY SOME BOCCE.
- WELL, HE DOESN'T, BECAUSE HE'S HERE FOR ME.
- WELL, HE'D RATHER BE WITH ME.
HE LIKES ME BETTER.
- HA! NOBODY LIKES YOU BETTER.
- OH, YEAH? LET'S ASK HIM.
- OH, YOU CAN'T DO THAT, FRANK.
- WELL, WHY NOT? BRING HIM IN HERE.
- HEY, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. - YOU SCARED?
- FRANK, YOU ARE RUINING MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!
- YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING ELSE!
MARCO!
- EXCUSE ME, HOW'S THAT ICE COMING?
- ALL RIGHT, ROBERT. JEEZ.
- HEY, MARCO.
WHOSE FRIEND DO YOU WANT TO BE?
- FRANK, I THOUGHT YOU HAD THE SWINE FLU.
- SHE TOLD YOU THAT?
YOU WILL STOP AT NOTHING.
WHO DO YOU WANT TO STICK WITH,
ME OR THE LIAR?
- YOU WANT ME TO CHOOSE?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
SHE THINKS YOU LIKE HER BETTER
AND WANT TO BE HER FRIEND.
- WHY SHOULDN'T HE BE HER FRIEND?
THEY ENJOY EACH OTHER.
- SURE, NOW,
BUT HE'S GONNA FIND IT'S A QUICK TRIP TO NAGVILLE.
AM I WRONG?
IT'S ALREADY STARTED WITH THE PIANO LESSONS.
YOU SAID YOURSELF
YOU DIDN'T WANT TO PLAY PIANO ANYMORE.
- SOMEBODY COULD HAVE TOLD ME.
- WHY CAN'T I BE BOTH YOUR FRIENDS?
- WELL, FOR ONE THING,
I FIND THAT PEOPLE WHO LIKE ME
GENERALLY CAN'T STAND HIM.
- MA, I DON'T GET THIS,
THERE'S GOT TO BE PLENTY OF LADIES
YOU CAN BE FRIENDS WITH OUT THERE.
HIT THE BINGO CIRCUIT.
- WHAT ABOUT YOUR FATHER?
THERE'S ENOUGH NAKED, WRINKLY OLD MEN AT THE LODGE FOR HIM.
- PLEASE, I'M ALREADY IN THE VOMITING POSITION.
- SO PICK ALREADY.
- I DON'T LIKE THIS.
THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
THIS IS NOT A HUSBAND AND WIFE.
BEFORE MY WIFE DIED, WE WERE FRIENDS.
- ARE YOU GONNA PICK OR NOT?
- THIS IS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?
I CHOOSE FRANK.
- YES.
- I'M SORRY.
- NO, LISTEN, I UNDERSTAND.
- I DID NOT WANT TO CHOOSE.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN, MARCO.
WHY DON'T WE ALL HAVE SOME CAKE?
- HEY, MARIE, WAIT A SECOND.
YOU TAKE HIM.
- NO, THAT'S OKAY, FRANK.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT. YOU KEEP HIM.
- NO, I DON'T WANT HIM ANYMORE.
- I WANT YOU TWO GUYS TO GO AND HAVE FUN.
GO TO THE LODGE.
- NAH, I GOT PLENTY OF FRIENDS AT THE LODGE,
SO, UH...YOU TAKE HIM.
- FRANK, I DON'T WANT HIM ALL THE TIME.
CAN'T YOU TAKE HIM SOME OF THE TIME?
- SO NOW YOU'RE STICKING ME WITH HIM?
- THIS IS SO TYPICAL OF YOU.
- HEY. CAKE!
- ALL RIGHT, SO YOU SHOULD PLAY "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" ON THE PIANO.
- ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA PLAY A DIRTY VERSION, THOUGH.
[singing] TINY BUTT DAY TO YOU
- REJECTED BY BOTH OF THEM.
BOY, I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MARCO. LET IT OUT.
LET IT ALL OUT.
THAT'S IT.
- SO THAT WAS A GOOD PARTY.
- WHAT? HOW WAS THAT GOOD FOR YOUR MOTHER?
YOU GUYS MADE HER LOSE A FRIEND.
- AW, COME ON. DON'T START.
- LISTEN, RAY, I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
IF I MEET SOMEBODY AND I WANT TO BE THEIR FRIEND,
I'M NOT GONNA TOLERATE ANY OF YOUR CAVEMAN CRAP.
I DON'T CARE WHAT SEX THEY ARE; A FRIEND IS A FRIEND,
AND I CAN BE FRIENDS WITH WHOEVER I WANT.
[doorbell rings]
- HELLO. I AM LOOKING FOR MY FATHER.
HE IS HERE?
- NO, NO, HE ISN'T, BUT COME IN, FRIEND.