- THANKS FOR BRINGING ME ON YOUR ROAD TRIP, RAYMOND.
SURE GLAD I BROUGHT THESE BINOCULARS.
I CAN SEE EVERY DROP OF RAIN
HITTING THE PIGGLY-WIGGLY.
WELL...
ONCE AGAIN, GOD, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.
- AAH, THAT'LL CLEAR UP.
- YEAH, AND WHEN WILL THAT BE, RAYMOND?
ALL THAT'S LEFT IS FOR THE ANIMALS
TO LINE UP TWO BY TWO.
- CHEER UP, WILL YA?
GET SOMETHING FROM THE MINIBAR.
- OH, MINIBAR...
OOOH, WHOOPEE.
HOW MUCH IS A SODA?
- WHO CARES? THE PAPER'S PAYING FOR IT.
- I FEEL A LITTLE BETTER.
- 57, 58, 59, 60,
61, 62! OH, MAN! ALMOST!
- WILL YOU STOP SPINNING YOUR RING ALREADY?
- THIS TABLE'S GOT SOME KIND OF SUPER-SLICK SURFACE, MAN.
THIS COULD BE THE DAY I BREAK THE RECORD.
- YIPPEE!
- QUIET!
- CAN'T WE AT LEAST GO BOWLING OR SOMETHING?
- NO, NO, I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME HERE.
- YOU'RE TWIRLING JEWELRY.
- YOU DON'T REALIZE WHAT YOU GOT HERE, OKAY?
YOU DON'T HAVE A WIFE AND KIDS ALWAYS AROUND.
YOU'RE ALONE.
- THANK YOU.
- IF I WAS HOME WITH THE KIDS, I COULDN'T DO THIS. RIGHT?
58, 59, 60-- AAH! ALMOST!
BOWLING. WE'RE IN PARADISE HERE.
LOOK AT WHAT I'M DOING. I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM,
I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LOCK THE DOOR.
OR DO I?
- DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF.
- I DON'T THINK I'D EAT THAT IF I WERE YOU.
- NO, I'M PLAYING MY OWN KIND OF GAME.
I PRETEND I'M A FISHERMAN.
ALL RIGHT, RAY, LOOK, I WAS SPINNING YOUR RING,
AND... - WHAT?
- OH, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
- YEAH, YEAH BUT SEE IT'S JUST RIGHT ON TOP OF THE VENT.
WE CAN UNSCREW THE GRATE AND JUST TAKE IT OUT.
- LET ME GET MY HANDS IN THERE. HOLD ON.
I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
THERE IT IS.
I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
[clinking]
MILKY WAY?
- YEAH, RIGHT OVER THERE.
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU WATCH THE STUFF,
AND I'LL GO GET SOME PIZZA.
YOU WANT A SLICE?
- YEAH... WHAT ARE THEY, A BUCK?
WHY DON'T YOU BUY ME 500; WE'LL BE EVEN.
- RAY, I'M SURE THE MAINTENANCE GUY
IS GONNA FIND YOUR RING, ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH, DID YOU SEE THAT GUY?
HE FINDS MY RING, TWO SECONDS LATER
HE'S GONNA TRADE IT IN FOR A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY
AND A HARMONICA.
- FOR THOSE PASSENGERS TRAVELING
ON FLIGHT 1477 TO NEW YORK, BOARDING WILL BE DELAYED
ANOTHER 45 MINUTES.
- YOU BELIEVE THIS?
- YEAH.
- GOING HOME?
- YEAH, GOING HOME.
- YEAH, I'M FROM NEW YORK, TOO.
ARE YOU RIGHT IN THE CITY?
- ACTUALLY, LONG ISLAND.
- OH? WHAT DO YOU DO THERE?
- I'M A NEWSPAPER COLUMNIST FOR A NEWSPAPER.
- WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE.
I'M IN REAL ESTATE MYSELF. ALEXIS.
- UH, RAY. IS THIS--
I MEAN, I ALREADY HAVE A HOUSE.
- NO, NO, I'M OFF-DUTY.
- OH, OKAY.
- WELL, WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
I THINK I'LL GO OVER TO THE BAR AND GET A DRINK.
WOULD YOU WANT TO JOIN ME?
- OH! OH! YOU KNOW...
I, UH... ACTUALLY, I'M MARRIED.
- OH! OH, MY GOD! I'M SO SORRY.
- THAT'S OKAY.
- YOU DIDN'T HAVE A-- - I DIDN'T HAVE A RING.
THAT'S 'CAUSE OF THIS GUY RIGHT HERE.
- WHAT'D I DO?
- YOU LOST MY RING. HE LOST MY RING,
AND I SHOULD HAVE IT ON, AND I DON'T, AND...
I'M SORRY. I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY.
- NO, REALLY, I'M SORRY.
AND IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.
- [chuckling] HEY, IF I WASN'T MARRIED...
- WELL, UH, THINK MAYBE I'LL GO TO THE BAR
AND HAVE BOTH OUR DRINKS.
- I'M NOT MARRIED.
- WOW.
- SHE LIKED YOU.
- YEAH, HOW 'BOUT THAT?
- UNBELIEVABLE.
A COUPLE OF HOURS WITHOUT THE RING,
YOU'RE ALREADY GETTING OFFERS.
IT REALLY, TRULY NEVER ENDS FOR YOU, DOES IT?
- AW, COME ON. IT'S JUST...
YOU KNOW, IT'S THIS HAIRCUT.
IT MAKES ME LOOK LATIN.
- JUST TAKE YOUR PIZZA, ALL RIGHT?
- WHAT? WHAT, MAN?
- NO, NO, NOTHING. HELL OF A WEEKEND, OKAY?
JUST EAT YOUR SLICE.
OH, LOOK, MINE'S THE ONE WITH THE HAIR ON IT.
- SHE WASN'T BAD-LOOKING, HUH?
- YEAH, OKAY, RAYMOND.
- HEY, YOU GOT TO FACE IT, ROBERT.
I STILL GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE LADIES.
[yelping and hollering]
- HEY, LADIES, A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOU RIGHT HERE.
YEAH. LOOK.
- HEY. - HEY.
I DIDN'T HEAR YOU COME IN LAST NIGHT.
- YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW.
MY FLIGHT GOT IN LATE. I DIDN'T EVEN UNPACK YET.
HI. - HI.
HEY, I GOT SOME OF THAT NEW CEREAL.
YOU WANT TO TRY SOME?
- YEAH, ALL RIGHT. - JUST GET THE MILK.
COULD YOU GET ME SOME MORE JUICE, TOO, PLEASE?
- YEAH.
OH! WHOO! OH!
I'LL GET IT. I GOT IT.
I GOT IT.
LET'S SEE WHAT THAT NEW CEREAL'S ALL ABOUT.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- HMM? NOTHING.
- WHAT'S WITH YOUR HAND?
- NO. I JUST MADE A LITTLE PUPPET.
[high-pitched] PASS THE ORANGE JUICE, TOOTS!
HEY, COME ON, THAT'S NOT NICE.
"WHY? I'M THIRSTY. THAT'S ALL. I'M JUST THIRSTY."
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.
I WANT YOU TO PREPARE YOURSELF,
'CAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET VERY MAD
AT ROBERT.
- WHAT IS IT?
WHERE'S YOUR WEDDING RING?
- ROBERT.
- ROBERT'S WEARING YOUR WEDDING RING?
- NO, NO, WHAT HAPPENED WAS,
I HAD IT ON THE TABLE IN THE HOTEL ROOM--
- WERE YOU SPINNING IT AGAIN?
- NO! NO! ROBERT WAS SPINNING IT.
I WENT TO THE BATHROOM AND ROBERT,
WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME, HE TAKES MY RING,
HE SPINS IT RIGHT INTO THE VENT!
- THE VENT! - YEAH.
- DID YOU TRY TO GET IT OUT?
- OF COURSE, YEAH!
WE USED MILKY WAYS, EVERYTHING.
BUT THE MAINTENANCE GUY AT THE HOTEL--
HE SAID THAT HE WAS GONNA LOOK, AND I'M SURE HE'LL COME THROUGH.
HE LOOKED LIKE A VERY DEPENDABLE GUY.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HOW DID ROBERT GET YOUR WEDDING RING
IN THE FIRST PLACE?
- I TOLD YOU I WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
- AND YOU TAKE YOUR WEDDING RING OFF
WHEN YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM?
- IN A HOTEL BATHROOM, HUH? IN A STRANGE CITY?
THIS IS OUR WEDDING RING! YOU BET YOUR ASS I DO!
- WELL, ARE YOU GONNA GET IT BACK OR NOT?
- ABSOLUTELY, YEAH.
- HEY! I'M WATCHING SPORTSCENTER OVER HERE.
- DAD!
- MARIE'S DOING HER FRENCH LESSON CRAP!
I'D STOP HER, BUT MAYBE SOMEDAY
SHE'LL LEARN ENOUGH TO MOVE THERE.
- NOT NOW, FRANK, OKAY?
- OH, SORRY.
YOU TWO GOIN' A COUPLE OF ROUNDS?
- DAD, PLEASE, JUST--
- DON'T BE TOO HARD ON HIM, DEB.
ROBERT TOLD ME HE DID THE RIGHT THING.
HE SHOT HER DOWN REAL QUICK.
- BOY, WOMEN OUT THERE MUST BE GETTING DESPERATE
IF THEY START GOIN' AFTER BIG NOSE.
- SO A WOMAN WAS GOING AFTER YOU?
- [chuckling] NO...
NO, IT WAS FUNNY, THOUGH.
WE WERE AT THE AIRPORT,
AND THIS WOMAN WAS SITTING NEXT TO US,
AND I GUESS BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A RING,
SHE SAID "HI" OR WHATEVER...
AND THEN THE FLIGHT WAS LATE,
SO SHE ASKED ME TO GO TO THE BAR AND HAVE A DRINK WITH HER.
AND SO, RIGHT AWAY, I SAID, "I'M MARRIED,"
AND SHE SAID, "SORRY," AND LEFT.
- WHAT'D SHE LOOK LIKE?
- ALL RIGHT, DAD. COME ON, COME ON.
- SCALE OF ONE TO TEN.
- GET OUT OF HERE, WILL YA?
- ALL RIGHT, I KNEW IT.
PROBABLY A DUD, RIGHT? - COME ON.
- PROBABLY ONE OF THOSE SHE-MALES.
- IT WAS FUNNY,
I ONLY HAD THE RING OFF FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS,
AND I GET HIT ON, LIKE I'M A STUD OR SOMETHING.
- AND YOU LIKE THAT?
- NO, I DON'T LIKE IT.
BUT IT WAS FUNNY.
ROBERT WAS STANDING THERE,
AND SHE DIDN'T SAY BOO TO HIM.
- YOU SEEM PRETTY PROUD OF THIS.
- NO, THAT'S NOT IT.
ACTUALLY, IT'S A COMPLIMENT TO YOU. HMM?
YOU'RE MARRIED TO A VERY DESIRABLE MAN, HONEYBUN, HUH?
BUT THE LADIES CAN WANT ME ALL THEY WANT BECAUSE
THERE AIN'T NO WOMAN LIKE THE ONE I GOT
WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WAIT! IT WAS NOTHING!
- IT'S NOTHING, HUH?
- I AM STUCK HERE ALONE WITH THE KIDS FOR THREE DAYS
WHILE YOU'RE OUT THERE WITHOUT YOUR WEDDING RING
AT AIRPORTS TALKING TO GIRLS!
- FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
THAT WOMAN ASKED ME TO HAVE A DRINK,
AND THE FIRST THING I SAID WAS, "SORRY, I'M MARRIED!
"MAYBE IF I WASN'T MARRIED, BUT I CAN'T.
I AM MARRIED!"
- YOU SAID, "IF I WASN'T MARRIED"?
- OF COURSE. I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A JERK.
- GOOD JOB.
- COME BACK...
I SAID WHATEVER I COULD TO GET RID OF HER.
SHE WAS ALL OVER ME!
AND JUST SO YOU KNOW,
I KEPT MY HAND IN MY POCKET THE WHOLE FLIGHT HOME
SO PEOPLE WOULD STOP HITTING ON ME.
ALL RIGHT?
WHICH EVEN IN BUSINESS CLASS WAS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
- I'M HELPING YOU UNPACK.
- YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
THEY ALREADY THINK YOU DRINK.
- HI, DEAR.
- HEY, MA.
[whistle tweets]
- YOUR FATHER TOLD ME YOU MET SOMEONE AT THE AIRPORT.
- I DIDN'T MEET SOMEONE.
- WHAT WAS SHE LIKE?
- MOM, I'M NOT LOOKING TO REPLACE DEBRA.
- WHEN DID I SAY THAT? DID I SAY THAT?
IT'S JUST THAT IT'S NICE TO KNOW
THAT OTHER WOMEN STILL FIND MY BOY AS ATTRACTIVE AS I DO.
THAT'S ALL.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
- MAYBE NOW DEBRA WILL START TO APPRECIATE WHAT SHE HAS.
MAYBE WEAR A LITTLE MASCARA NOW AND THEN.
- HEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT KINDl OF TREE YOU PLANTED OUT THERE,
BUT IT'S GROWIN' SKIVVIES!
- THANKS TO YOU,
DEBRA THREW MY SUITCASE OUT THE WINDOW THIS MORNING.
- HEY, LISTEN, I WAS THINKIN' OF TAKING A LITTLE FIELD TRIP
TO LAGUARDIA TO WATCH SOME FLIGHTS.
YOU IN?
- RAYMOND'S NOT INTERESTED IN THOSE THINGS, FRANK.
BUT, BY ALL MEANS, YOU GO.
I'LL GET YOU A LIMO.
- HEY, WHERE YA GOING, TO GET THE KIDS?
- GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE FIRST.
DID YOU TELL YOUR MOM ALL ABOUT YOUR BIG SCORE?
- ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY, HONEY.
- WHAT ARE YOU SORRY ABOUT, RAY?
- I'M SORRY ABOUT THE AIRPORT LADY.
I'M SORRY THAT YOU GOT JEALOUS.
- LOOK, I'M NOT JEALOUS ABOUT YOUR AIRPORT LADY, RAY.
WHAT BOTHERS ME IS YOUR ATTITUDE!
YOUR ATTITUDE ABOUT ME, ABOUT YOUR RING,
AND ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MY MARRIAGE?
LISTEN, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY MARRIAGE.
MAYBE YOUR MARRIAGE.
- MAYBE MY MARRIAGE.
- YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S BOTHERING ME, RAY?
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPIN YOUR RING?
THAT'S YOUR WEDDING RING, RAY!
IT'S NOT A TOY!
- IT DOES SPIN.
- OKAY, GREAT.
- OH, MY GOD!
- SPIN THESE.
- COME ON, WHAT'RE YOU DOING? WHERE YOU GOING?
- I'M GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE.
I'LL WEAR MY RING WHEN YOU WEAR YOURS.
- YOU LETTIN' HER GO THERE WITHOUT A WEDDING RING?
- YEAH, SO?
- COME ON, A GROCERY STORE?
IT ACTUALLY IS A MEAT MARKET.
YOU SEND YOUR LITTLE LADY OUT INTO A MAN'S WORLD
WITH A NAKED FINGER?
IT'S LIKE BANANA TIME IN THE MONKEY CAGE!
- THAT'S STUPID.
- OH, YEAH? THEN WHERE YA GOIN'?
- I JUST REMEMBERED
THERE'S A FEW THINGS THAT WE NEED AT THE STORE, ALL RIGHT?
- I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED. YOU NEED A BIG SPONGE...
- ALL RIGHT, MA.
OKAY.
- YOUR REFRIGERATOR IS JUST...
- HOW COME THEY GET THEIR RINGS TO COME OFF SO EASY?
YOU DID THIS TO ME...
WITH YOUR COOKING.
YOU FATTENED ME UP SO I COULDN'T GET OUT.
[clattering]
- WOW! MAN, YOU JUST PLOWED RIGHT INTO HER!
- I'M SORRY. I'M VERY, VERY SORRY.
ARE YOU OKAY? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- SORRY!
HI. - HELLO.
- YOU KNOW, I CAN NEVER TELL.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF A MANGO IS RIPE OR NOT?
- I DON'T KNOW. SQUEEZE 'EM OR SOMETHING.
- SO, GOSH. IS THIS ONE RIPE?
- TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I REALLY DON'T EAT FRUIT.
- YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS HAVE A GREAT SELECTION OF LETTUCE.
I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT.
- YUP, A LOT OF LETTUCE.
- SO...WHAT ARE YOU, UH...
I MEAN, HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN A...PRODUCE MAN...
JIMMY?
- I'M JUST DOING THIS
TILL THEY ALLOW ME BACK AT THE DELI COUNTER.
- I LOVE HOW IT...
[sniffs]
SMELLS AROUND HERE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I GOTTA GO SPRITZ THE PARSLEY, ALL RIGHT?
- OH, GREAT.
- IT'S AT THE LOADING DOCK.
- OH, THE LOADING DOCK? - YOU CAN'T COME BACK THERE.
- I'M REALLY INTERESTED-- - LADY!
PLEASE, LEAVE ME ALONE!
- NICE TALKIN' TO YOU, JIMMY.
OKAY, THE FIRST GUY WAS DEFINITELY GAY.
AND JIMMY'S ALL WRAPPED UP IN HIS WORK.
- YOU KNEW I WAS WATCHING YOU?
- SHUT UP.
- COME ON, PLEASE, CAN WE JUST GO HOME?
- YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY MARRIED TO AN OLD HAG!
- BUT I LOVE HER.
- YOU'RE PROBABLY GOING TO LEAVE ME
FOR SOME YOUNGER GIRL WHO'S STUPID
AND THINKS YOU'RE DISTINGUISHED.
- COME ON, I'M JUST HAVING A GOOD WEEK, THAT'S ALL.
- ALL RIGHT!
- COULD WE JUST CHECK OUT, PLEASE?
- OH, SORRY.
- THAT'S OKAY. IT WAS MY FAULT.
- IT'S ME. I WASN'T LOOKING.
- OH, I'M MARRIED.
- EXCUSE ME?
- AND EVEN IF I WASN'T, NO, THANK YOU.
- HOW'S THAT?
- PERFECT.
- I ALMOST KILLED A LADY.
OH, THANK GOD.
- RAY, HOW LONG WERE YOU IN THE SHOWER THIS MORNING?
THERE'S NO HOT WATER FOR ME NOW!
YOU'RE SO INCONSIDERATE!