- OH, HEY, GUYS. - HEY, DEBRA.
- HEY, GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
ARE EITHER ONE OF YOU FREE TONIGHT?
- DEBRA, THIS IS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.
I MEAN, RIGHT IN FRONT OF RAY? - NO, SERIOUSLY.
RAY AND I ARE GOING TO A PLAY WITH SOME FRIENDS TONIGHT.
WE HAVE AN EXTRA TICKET.
- IS THERE NUDITY?
- ALL RIGHT, COME ON! GIANNI.
IT'S AN EXTRA TICKET THAT'S GONNA GO TO WASTE, HUH?
IT'S JUST ME, RAY, AND AMY.
- ROBERT'S AMY?
- NO, IT'S JUST AMY.
SHE DROPPED THE "ROBERT" WHEN THEY BROKE UP.
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET IT.
I'LL JUST GIVE THE EXTRA TICKET TO ONE OF MY GIRLFRIENDS.
- OH, NO, THREE WOMEN AND ME AT A PLAY?
GIANNI, PLEASE GO. COME ON.
I'LL BUY YOU DINNER.
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO.
- GIANNI'S GOING!
- ALL RIGHT. - GOOD, GOOD.
SEE, THIS IS WHAT A TRUE FRIEND IS FOR.
YOU SAVED ME.
- IF YOU GET ONE WITH NUDITY, I'M IN!
- HEY. - HEY.
- HEY, WHAT'S THE CHANCES OF YOU WHIPPING ME UP ON OMELET?
[laughing]
- OH, HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
RAY, WE DIDN'T EVEN EAT BREAKFAST YET.
- YOU WERE LAUGHING.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN A GOOD MOOD.
- GOOD MORNING.
- HEY, ROBERT. - HEY.
- SO WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
- I'M HOPING THE PRIZE IN HERE IS AN OMELET.
- SO I HEARD YOU WENT ON A LITTLE DOUBLE DATE
WITH AMY AND GIANNI.
- IT WASN'T A DATE.
HOW'D YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT, ANYWAY?
- WHAT, ARE YOU FORGETTING I'M A COP?
I GOT EYES ALL OVER THE CITY, BABY.
- YEAH, ANY OF THOSE EYES
WATCH YOU GET DRESSED THIS MORNING?
- THAT'S FUNNY. THAT'S A KEEPER.
VERY FUNNY.
[chuckles]
SO DID THEY SIT NEXT TO EACH OTHER IN THE THEATER?
- WHO? AMY AND GIANNI?
YEAH, THOSE ARE THE SEATS THAT WE HAD.
- AH, THE ASSIGNED SEATS.
YEAH, GOOD FOR YOU.
THAT'S THE WAY TO GO.
OH, MY.
LOOKIN' LIKE WE'RE GONNA GET A LITTLE RAIN TODAY.
- NAH, REALLY?
- YEAH, LITTLE BIT. LITTLE BIT.
SO WHAT DO THEY HAVE THERE?
SEATS WITH ARMRESTS?
- YEAH.
- DID THEY SHARE ONE?
DID THEY SHARE AN ARMREST?
- ROBERT, THIS ISN'T BOTHERING YOU, IS IT?
'CAUSE IT'S BEEN QUITE A WHILE SINCE YOU BROKE UP WITH AMY,
AND YOU SEEMED SO EAGER TO DATE OTHER PEOPLE.
- [stuttering] YEAH, YEAH. I-I-I-I-I...
IT'S...
I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT SHE'S NOT GETTING HURT.
- GETTIN' HURT? - YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT GIANNI IS LIKE, RAYMOND,
WHEN IT COMES TO THE WOMEN.
- WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PLAY DUMB, RAYMOND.
YOU'RE THE ONE ALWAYS BEGGIN' HIM
TO TELL HIS LATEST EROTIC ESCAPADE.
- WHAT ARE YOU LYIN' FOR, LIAR?
WHAT ARE YOU--
DON'T DRINK OUR COFFEE AND LIE LIKE THAT.
- NICE TRY.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE CONCERNED ABOUT AMY, ROBERT,
BUT SHE'S AN ADULT,
AND SHE'S NOT GONNA LET ANYBODY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HER.
- YEP, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
SHE CAN HANDLE HERSELF.
WELL, I SHOULD BE GETTING OUT OF HERE
BEFORE THAT RAIN STARTS.
THAT'S REALLY ALL I WAS WORRIED ABOUT.
I MEAN, SHE IS FREE TO DATE WHOEVER SHE WANTS,
AND IF THAT'S A LADIES' MAN LIKE GIANNI, SO BE IT.
I HOPE THEY'RE HAPPY.
I REALLY DO.
[exhales]
- [laughs]
HOLY COW.
I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM LIKE THIS.
- ALL RIGHT, DON'T LAUGH. DON'T LAUGH.
- WHAT?
WE'RE BROTHERS.
I BROKE MY PINKIE ONCE.
HE LAUGHED FOR THREE DAYS.
- HI, RAYMOND.
- OH, HI, MA.
- WHERE'S DEBRA, DEAR?
- SHE'S UPSTAIRS, BUT SHE WANTED ME TO ASK YOU
IF YOU COULD MAKE ME SOME EGGS.
- SURE, SURE. SIT DOWN.
- ALL RIGHT.
- I JUST SAW ROBERT LEAVE.
HE--HE LOOKED ANGRY AND UPSET.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. HE'S FINE.
COULD YOU MELT SOME CHEESE IN THERE?
- OF COURSE.
SO WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ROBERT?
DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH AMY?
- YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?
- WELL, HE WAS OVER THE HOUSE FOR BREAKFAST,
AND I HAPPENED TO MENTION THAT GIANNI WENT WITH AMY
TO THE PLAY LAST NIGHT.
- OF COURSE. THAT'S HOW HE KNEW.
"EYES ALL OVER THE CITY."
- HI, MARIE.
- HEY, WHY'D YOU TELL MY MOTHER ABOUT AMY AND GIANNI?
- WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
WE TOOK THE KIDS TO THE DENTIST,
AND WE WERE TALKING.
IT JUST CAME UP.
- OH.
BUT YOU TOOK THE KIDS TO THE DENTIST TWO DAYS AGO.
- YEAH, SO WHAT?
- SO WE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT GIANNI UNTIL YESTERDAY.
- YEAH. YOU KNOW, WHATEVER.
OKAY, I'M LATE.
- NO, NO, NO.
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
HOW COULD YOU TELL MY MOM TWO DAYS AGO
ABOUT GIANNI AND AMY
WHEN YOUR FRIEND DIDN'T CANCEL TILL YESTERDAY?
- I DON'T KNOW, RAY. I'M LATE.
WHO CARES WHEN I TOLD HER?
- OH, MY GOD, THERE WAS NO CANCELED TICKET, WAS THERE?
HUH? YOU PLANNED THIS WHOLE THING.
- WHAT THING?
- THIS-- THIS "GET ROBERT JEALOUS" THING.
- PLEASE.
WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
- BECAUSE-- BECAUSE AMY'S YOUR FRIEND,
AND ROBERT BROKE UP WITH HER,
AND THIS WILL MAKE HIM RUN BACK TO HER,
AND MEN ARE BAD,
AND WOMEN HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER
SO ONE DAY THEY CAN BE PRESIDENT!
- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THE FACT THAT ROBERT GOT JEALOUS
ONLY MEANS HE STILL HAS FEELINGS FOR HER.
- YOU DID DO IT.
AND THE GENIUS PART OF IT ALL WAS LEAKING IT TO MY MOTHER.
BECAUSE YOU KNEW--
OH, YOU KNEW THAT TELLING HER
WAS JUST LIKE WHISPERING IT INTO ROBERT'S EAR.
UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU BELIEVE THAT, MA?
SHE PLAYED YOU.
SHE PLAYED YOU LIKE A FIDDLE.
- MOM.
MOM?
- YOUR EGGS ARE READY, RAYMOND.
- OH, MY GOD!
YOU'RE IN ON IT!
THIS IS--IT'S SICK!
WHO ELSE IS IN ON IT, HUH?
AMY AND GIANNI IN ON THE WHOLE THING, TOO?
- ALL I NEEDED WAS DEBRA.
- IT WAS YOUR IDEA?
- YES, IT WAS, AND IT'S A GOOD ONE.
ROBERT NEEDED THIS TO HAPPEN TO HIM
SO HE COULD REALIZE
WHAT AMY MEANT TO HIM BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
- YEAH, BUT YOU CAN'T DO THIS!
YOU'RE TRYING TO CREATE FATE!
YOU CAN'T CREATE FATE.
THEN IT'S NOT FATE.
THEN IT'S LIKE VOODOO.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
THE TWO OF YOU ARE FINALLY WORKING TOGETHER.
HUH?
I'M TELLING ROBERT.
- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
YOU WANT ROBERT TO BE ALONE FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE?
- NO, NO, BUT STILL--
- DON'T YOU THINK ROBERT DESERVES TO BE HAPPY
AND TO HAVE A FAMILY?
- YES, BUT IT'S JUST SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.
YOU'RE EVIL. I'M TELLING ROBERT.
- YOU HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, RAYMOND.
YEARS AGO, I GAVE BIRTH TO TWO BEAUTIFUL BOYS.
AND I WANTED NOTHING MORE THAN TO SEE THEM GROW UP,
GET MARRIED,
AND GIVE ME GRANDCHILDREN.
NOW, IF YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT DREAM AWAY FROM ME,
BY ALL MEANS, YOU GO AND TELL THAT TO ROBERT.
AND I'LL JUST BE BACK ACROSS THE STREET
LIVING OUT THE REST OF MY LIFE
AS BEST I CAN...
WITH A HOLE IN MY HEART.
- SO YOU'VE MADE ME AN ACCOMPLICE.
YOUR SOUL IS AS BLACK AS NIGHT.
[knock on door]
- HEY, GUYS. - HEY, GIANNI.
- HEY, HEY, LISTEN.
WE'RE GOING GOLFING TOMORROW.
I'M TAKING YOU TO MAKE UP FOR LAST NIGHT.
- WE BETTER GOLF. THAT PLAY WAS BRUTAL.
LISTEN, I JUST STOPPED BY REAL QUICK
TO ASK IF YOU GUYS WANT TO HAVE DINNER AGAIN TONIGHT
WITH ME AND AMY.
- WHAT?
- YEAH, WE REALLY HIT IT OFF. SHE'S GREAT.
WE'RE GOING OUT AGAIN TONIGHT. YOU GUYS WANT TO COME?
- [chuckles]
YEAH, YEAH.
YEAH, THAT WOULD BE NICE.
YEAH.
AHH, LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID.
- HELLO, RAYMOND. - HEY.
- WHERE'S DEBRA, DEAR?
- UPSTAIRS.
WHAT, ARE YOU WORKING ON PLAN "B"?
- DON'T BE SILLY.
- SO WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?
- ROBERT FOUND OUT AMY WENT TO A PLAY WITH GIANNI,
AND HE PULLED OFF THE DOORKNOB.
- [chuckles]
POOR BASTARD.
HE GETS THAT FROM ME.
- WHAT? - THE JEALOUSY.
YOU KNOW, THIS KNOB IS NOTHING.
I WAS ONCE SO JEALOUS OVER YOUR MOTHER
THAT I PUT MY FIST THROUGH A DESOTO.
- YOU PUNCHED A CAR?
- YEAH, YOUR MOTHER AND I WERE STILL DATING
WHEN SHE STARTED TO TURN THE SCREWS ON ME TO GET ENGAGED.
BUT THERE WERE STILL PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA,
AND I WASN'T READY TO HANG UP MY TACKLE BOX.
THEN I HEAR THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
SHE'S GONNA MAKE DINNER FOR CHUCK PECORELLA.
LONG STORY SHORT,
I SPENT THE NIGHT IN THE HOSPITAL
TRYING TO PULL HIS HEADLIGHT OUT OF MY KNUCKLE.
- YOU GOT THAT WAY OVER MOM?
- YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.
WHEN YOUR MOTHER COOKS, IT'S SOMETHING...
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?
SPECIAL.
I DIDN'T WANT HER DOING THAT FOR SOME OTHER GUY.
THEY STITCHED UP MY HAND.
I WENT STRAIGHT TO HER HOUSE,
AND FROM THEN ON, SHE COOKS ONLY FOR ME.
- WOW, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT'S HOW IT ALL STARTED.
THAT'S A NICE STORY, DAD.
- YEAH, I DON'T LIKE TO TELL IT,
'CAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE A HAPPY ENDING.
[doorbell rings]
- I GOT IT.
HEY, YOU TWO. - HI.
HEY, GIANNI.
RAY'S IN THE KITCHEN WITH HIS FATHER.
- OH, YEAH? LET ME GO SAY HELLO TO MR. B.
- ISN'T THAT CUTE HOW GIANNI CALLS FRANK "MR. B"?
- YEAH.
SO ANYWAY...
YOU KNOW, AMY, I DON'T KNOW WHY I WAS WONDERING THIS,
BUT HAVE YOU HEARD FROM ROBERT LATELY?
- ROBERT? NO, NOT IN A WHILE.
YEAH, BUT IT'S OKAY.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER KNEW THAT GIANNI AND RAY
DELIVERED FUTONS TOGETHER.
- OH, YEAH.
THAT'S BACK WHEN THEY WERE SWINGIN' BACHELORS.
NOT MUCH HAS CHANGED FOR GIANNI.
HE'S STILL SWINGIN'.
- I GOT TO TELL YOU,
I CAN SEE WHY HE'S POPULAR WITH THE GIRLS.
HE'S SO CUTE.
- YEAH.
- OH, AMY!
- OH, MARIE!
- OH!
- YOU LOOK GREAT!
- THANK YOU.
YOU'RE NOT WEARING HEELS?
DO YOU MISS THAT?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- WELL, I MEAN, GIANNI IS SO...
HERE.
- HEY, MRS. B.
- HELLO, LITTLE GIANNI.
- ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.
ALL ABOARD THE LOVE TRAIN.
- NO, WAIT, RAYMOND.
I BARELY HAD A CHANCE TO VISIT WITH AMY.
- ACTUALLY, WE HAVE AN 8:00 RESERVATION,
SO WE PROBABLY SHOULD GET GOING.
- YEAH, LET'S GO.
- NO, CAN'T YOU WAIT JUST TWO MINUTES MORE?
- NO, MA, WE GOT A HOT DOUBLE DATE.
- YEAH, BUT WHAT'S THE RUSH, RAY?
YOUR MOM AND AMY WERE CHATTING.
- AND I'M SURE IT WAS FASCINATING.
LET'S GO.
- HELLO, ROBERT.
- AMY.
- HEY, MAN.
- [in a deep voice] GIANNI.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- MA CALLED. TOLD ME TO COME OVER.
SAID SHE SMELLED GAS.
- NO ONE ELSE SMELLS IT?
- LISTEN, ROBERT, THIS IS A LITTLE WEIRD FOR ME.
- NO, NO, NO REASON FOR YOU TO FEEL WEIRD.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WATCHING YOUR GIRLFRIEND
GO OUT WITH ONE OF HIS BUDDIES.
- WAIT A MINUTE, ROBERT.
I'M NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
- I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WERE LIKE THIS, AMY.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- [sing-song] SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE STILL CARES FOR YOU.
- HEY, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED,
I GOT A LOT OF SINGLE BUDDIES AT THE PRECINCT THAT I'M CLOSE TO.
YOU WANT THEIR PHONE NUMBERS, TOO?
- LOOK, ROBERT, I DIDN'T KNOW--
- NO, NO, NO, GIANNI. IT'S OKAY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING.
DEB, WE'LL MEET YOU AT THE CAR.
- MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST-- - NO, NO! IT'S OKAY.
I'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE.
GO AHEAD, GIANNI, PLEASE.
DID YOU WANT TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE?
NOTHING?
I DIDN'T THINK SO.
- WHAT DID I DO?
- HEY, DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF, ROBERT, OKAY?
THE TRUTH IS, THESE TWO OVER HERE--OOH!
- BELIEVE ME, ROBERT,
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU'RE FEELING.
- I WAS JUST SUCH A JERK TO AMY.
- NO, YOU WEREN'T.
I THINK SHE KNOWS YOU WERE JOKING.
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY DID I DO THAT?
- YOU LOVE HER?
- HEY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
HOLD ON, YOU MANIAC, OKAY?
NO GUY WANTS TO SEE HIS EX GO OUT WITH A FRIEND.
JUST 'CAUSE HE FREAKED OUT DOESN'T MEAN HE LOVED HER.
OKAY? DON'T YOU TWO THINK YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH?
ROBERT, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT THEY DID, OKAY?
- ROBBIE, I THINK THIS IS PROOF
THAT YOU AND AMY BELONG TOGETHER.
NOW, I KNOW YOU WEREN'T TRYING TO HURT HER FEELINGS.
YOU JUST COULDN'T CONTAIN YOUR PASSION.
YOU MAY HAVE SAID THE WRONG THING,
BUT THERE'S A WAY TO FIX THIS.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU TO GO AFTER AMY
AND TELL HER WHAT IS TRULY IN YOUR HEART.
- WAIT A MINUTE!
THEY SET THIS WHOLE THING UP, ROBERT, TO GET YOU JEALOUS.
THEY PUT AMY AND GIANNI TOGETHER.
IT WAS A BIG SCHEME.
DON'T YOU GO BACK OUT WITH AMY BECAUSE OF WHAT JUST HAPPENED.
YOU THINK ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL
AND NOT HOW THEY SAY YOU FEEL.
THEY'RE THROWIN' THE VOODOO AT YOU!
AND LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED, HUH?
PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO GET HURT.
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, LADIES,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA STOP ME FROM DOING WHAT'S RIGHT,
BECAUSE YOU CANNOT MANUFACTURE LOVE!
- MA.
MA, IS THIS TRUE?
- IT WAS DEBRA'S IDEA.
- IT WAS NOT!
- OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOU SET ME UP?
- WE WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU, ROBBIE.
- HELP ME?
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT DID I MISS?
I THINK I BLACKED OUT FOR A MINUTE.
- YES, JUST HELP YOU, ROBERT.
WE THOUGHT THIS WAS WHAT YOU NEEDED.
- YEAH, BECAUSE THEY KNOW WHAT EVERY GUY NEEDS.
- SHUT UP, RAY!
- OH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO TO ME?
I'M NUMB FROM HERE DOWN!
- HOW CAN THIS HELP OUT ANY RELATIONSHIP?
THIS IS SICK! IT'S SICK!
- I'M SORRY, ROBERT.
WE DIDN'T MEAN IT TO GO THIS FAR.
- OH, REALLY? HOW WAS IT SUPPOSED TO GO, HUH?
- WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.
BACK WHEN YOUR FATHER AND I WERE SEEING EACH OTHER,
HE FOUND OUT THAT I HAD A DATE
WITH A MAN CALLED CHUCK PECORELLA.
AND FRANK CAME RUNNING BACK TO ME.
IT WAS SO SWEET.
IT WAS THE FIRST TIME HE EVER EXPRESSED HIS TRUE EMOTIONS.
- YEAH, MA, THOSE WERE HIS TRUE EMOTIONS
'CAUSE IT WASN'T A SCHEME.
IT JUST HAPPENED.
- DON'T BE NAIVE, RAYMOND.
- WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- CHUCK PECORELLA WAS GAY.
- WHAT?
- YOUR FATHER DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT.
ALL HE NEEDED TO KNOW WAS WHAT HE WAS FEELING.
- ALL RIGHT, THE KNOB'S FIXED.
BUT GO EASY ON IT, 'CAUSE IT AIN'T GIANT-PROOF.
- I THINK I'M GOING TO GO HOME
AND WORK MY WAY THROUGH A CARTON OF HO HOs.
- YOU KNOW WHAT, DEAR?
TOMORROW MAYBE YOU AND I CAN PICK UP AMY
AND DROP BY ROBERT'S APARTMENT,
AND THEN THE FOUR OF US CAN WORK THIS WHOLE THING OUT.
- YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME...
WOMEN!
I'M STARTING TO THINK THAT MAYBE CHUCK PECORELLA
HAS THE RIGHT IDEA.
- WHAT? CHUCK PECORELLA?
- NEVER MIND, FRANK.
- THAT GUY OWES ME.
I'M SERVING HIS LIFE SENTENCE!
- EXCELLENT WORK.
- COME ON. THEY'RE OUT THERE.
WE GOT TO GO.
ARE YOU COMING?
- YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME, CAN YOU?
[huffing and puffing]
BOY, AMY AND GIANNI REALLY GOT SOMETHING GOING, DON'T THEY?
- ALL RIGHT, RAY, I SAW.
- I'M JUST SAYING, THEY WERE REALLY DIGGING EACH OTHER.
- OKAY, RAY.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
- I WAS RIGHT.
- SHOULD'VE LEARNED MY LESSON THE FIRST TIME.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THE FIRST TIME?
- AH, IT WAS NOTHING.
I HAD THIS BOYFRIEND IN COLLEGE,
AND, YEAH, HE WAS REALLY SOMETHING,
AND WHEN HE BROKE UP WITH ME,
I HAD THIS WHOLE PLAN TO GET HIM BACK.
- WHAT'D YOU DO?
- I MARRIED YOU.