- I HAD AN AMAZING NIGHT LAST NIGHT.
I WAS AT THE SPORTS BAR,
AND I MET THIS REALLY, REALLY HOT WOMAN.
- HOT WOMAN, YEAH?
SO GET TO THE PART
WHERE YOU NOTICE HER ADAM'S APPLE.
- BELIEVE ME, SHE'S ALL WOMAN, OKAY?
HER NAME'S NATASHA.
SHE'S PRETTY. SHE'S GOT A GREAT PERSONALITY.
I'M TELLING YOU, RAYMOND, WE REALLY HIT IT OFF.
- YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
SO THEN WHAT HAPPENED, YOU RAN OUT OF SINGLES?
- WILL YOU STOP? WILL YOU JUST STOP ALREADY?
I'M TELLING YOU, SHE REALLY LIKED ME.
THERE WAS JUST ONE LITTLE PROBLEM.
- WHAT?
- WELL, IT--IT'S REALLY NOT A PROBLEM,
SHOULDN'T EVEN USE THE WORD "PROBLEM."
IT'S JUST A MINOR, MINOR, MINOR THING.
- ALL RIGHT! WHAT?
WHAT IS IT?
- SHE THINKS I'M YOU.
[laughs]
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
YOU MET A WOMAN WHO THINKS THAT YOU'RE ME?
- YEAH, WELL, I'M AT THE BAR, RIGHT?
AND SHE SPILLS HER DRINK ON ME,
AND WE START TALKING,
AND I'M TELLING YOU, WE REALLY CONNECTED.
I WAS ACTUALLY QUITE CHARMING.
AND THE BARTENDER PASSES ME A TOWEL, RIGHT?
AND HE GOES, "UH, HERE YOU GO, MR. BARONE."
AND WE'RE IN A SPORTS BAR,
SO SHE JUST ASSUMES
THAT I'M RAY BARONE FROM "NEW YORK NEWSDAY!"
[laughs]
- AND YOU DIDN'T CORRECT HER?
- SHE SEEMED SO HAPPY TO MEET YOU.
SHE'S A BIG FAN OF YOURS.
- YEAH, BUT LISTEN, YOU CAN'T--
WHOA, A HOT WOMAN IS A BIG FAN OF MINE?
- I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER.
- DID SHE MENTION ANY PARTICULAR COLUMN?
- WELL, SHE DID SAY SOMETHING ABOUT A CAL RIPKEN PROFILE
JUST BEFORE WE...
[singing] BAH-BAH BAH-BAH BAH-BAH!
- NO! NO!
COME ON, FIRST NIGHT?
- BIG FAN.
- HA!
I DID GET A LOT OF GOOD FEEDBACK ON THAT PIECE.
- YOU CERTAINLY DID.
- HEY, WHOA, WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE.
IF SHE KNOWS MY WRITING,
THEN SHE MUST KNOW I HAVE A WIFE.
- HAD. HAD A WIFE.
- YOU SAID I WAS DIVORCED?
- WIDOWER.
- YOU KILLED DEBRA?
- HAD TO BE DONE.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
YOU STUCK BY HER THROUGH A VERY LONG ILLNESS.
YOU WERE WONDERFUL.
OH, AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER HAD ANY CHILDREN.
- WHAT?
- I COULDN'T LEAVE ANY LOOSE ENDS.
- HEY, LOOK, MAN, YOU GOT TO SET HER STRAIGHT.
THIS IS NOT RIGHT WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
- I KNOW, BUT I REALLY LIKE HER,
AND I DON'T WANT TO BLOW THIS, YOU KNOW?
I JUST HAVE TO PICK THE RIGHT TIME TO TELL HER.
GOT TO LAY THE GROUNDWORK.
- ALL RIGHT, BUT JUST MAKE SURE THAT YOU DO IT,
BECAUSE IT'S WRONG, MAN.
IT'S WRONG WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
- I KNOW. - ALL RIGHT.
SO HOW HOT WAS SHE?
- OH, RAYMOND, SO OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.
- OH.
OH, I LOVE WHEN THEY'RE OUT OF MY LEAGUE.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,
LET ME ASK YOU,
WHILE YOU WERE--
DID SHE SAY MY NAME OR ANYTHING?
- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
- OH. OH, I'M SORRY.
DID I CROSS OVER SOME MORAL LINE, RAY?
- ALL RIGHT.
JUST SUFFICE TO SAY SHE WAS REALLY INTO YOU.
- OH. GREAT.
I FINALLY HAVE SEX. I'M NOT EVEN THERE.
- SHE WAS A DYNAMO!
- OH, REALLY? - OH, YEAH.
- HOW WAS I?
- SO-SO.
[doorbell rings]
- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?
THIS WAS SENT TO MY OFFICE.
COME ON.
"TO THE BEGINNING OF A WONDERFUL ROMANCE.
LOVE, NATASHA."
OH, I CAN'T HAVE THIS THERE. IT'S LIKE A TIME BOMB.
- ALL RIGHT. THANKS FOR BRINGING IT OVER.
BYE-BYE.
- WELL, I GET AT LEAST TWO OF THESE BROWNIES.
- NO, THE BROWNIES ARE FOR ME, THANK YOU.
- WELL, COME ON. I BROUGHT THE THING OVER.
- I'M HEADING FOR WORK NOW, SO I'LL SEE--
OH, HI. - HI.
- NATASHA,
THIS IS MY BROTHER, ROBERT.
BROTHER ROBERT, THIS IS MY FRIEND NATASHA.
- WELL, IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU, ROBERT.
RAY HAS SAID SO MANY GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOU.
- HE HAS, HAS HE?
- OH, YOU SHOULD HEAR HOW HE BRAGS ABOUT YOU.
"WHAT A GREAT COP ROBERT IS." YOU'RE LIKE HIS HERO.
- AW. HA.
RAY.
- HE'S TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOUR COMMENDATIONS
AND YOUR PROMOTIONS.
- REALLY? YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S NO BIG DEAL.
THEY GIVE YOU THOSE JUST FOR SHOWING UP.
YEAH.
- YEAH, BUT RAY SAID YOU WERE WOUNDED IN THE LINE OF DUTY.
- OH, OH, OH, YEAH. HE TOLD YOU THAT?
YEAH, THAT WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF STUPID.
I, UH--I ALLOWED MYSELF
TO GET GORED IN THE ASS BY A BULL.
- [sighs] DON'T BE SO MODEST.
FIRST OF ALL, HE WAS SAVING PEOPLE.
AND IT WAS ACTUALLY THE UPPER THIGH.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, RIGHT IN THE ASS.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
REALLY, REALLY STUPID.
AND I STILL COMPLAIN ABOUT IT.
- OH, WILL YOU STOP IT?
STOP BEING SO FUNNY.
EVERYBODY THINKS I'M THE FUNNY ONE.
HE'S THE FUNNY ONE.
THIS GUY IS A CRACK-UP. YOU'RE A GREAT COP.
GET OUT OF HERE.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU KNOW, I'M AN OKAY COP,
BUT I WOULD RATHER BE A GREAT WRITER
LIKE MY BROTHER, RAYMOND.
I MEAN, HE'S A CULTURAL HERO.
- YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND. I'M JUST A SCRIBBLER.
- A SCRIBBLER, YEAH.
DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE THE PROFILE OF CAL RIPKEN, JR?
- OH, I LOVED THAT PIECE.
- REALLY? YEAH, ME, TOO.
ME TOO. - WHAT ABOUT YOU?
ROBERT'S PLANNING A CLOTHING DRIVE
FOR THE POLICE ATHLETIC LEAGUE.
HE JUST CAN'T STOP WITH THE GIVING.
- I DON'T BELIEVE YOU TWO.
- NO?
- I'VE NEVER MET TWO BROTHERS WHO GET ALONG SO WELL
AND ADMIRE EACH OTHER SO MUCH.
IT'S UNREAL.
- IT IS UNREAL.
- WELL, SOMEBODY RAISED YOU RIGHT.
YOU MUST HAVE AMAZING PARENTS.
- YEAH. [clears throat]
THEY WOULD AMAZE YOU.
- I GOT TO GO.
I HOPE TO BE SEEING YOU AGAIN, ROBERT.
- OH, YEAH! YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
- OH, HOW DID THIS GET HERE?
- OH, YEAH, YEAH. ROBERT BROUGHT THIS OVER.
HE STOPPED BY MY OFFICE THIS MORNING
AND DELIVERED IT HERE.
ALWAYS THINKING OF ME.
- MM.
HEY, RAY, COULD I GET ONE OF THOSE BROWNIES?
- CERTAINLY. - OH.
THANKS, RAY.
- [laughs]
THAT'S FUNNY. RAY DOES THAT CHIN THING TOO.
- HMM, YEAH, WE'RE BOTH IDIOTS, 'CAUSE WE DO THAT.
- THAT'S CUTE. THAT'S CUTE.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER, RAY.
- MM.
[chuckles]
I SWEAR TO GOD
I WAS GONNA TELL HER LAST NIGHT.
I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT SHE KNOWS
WHAT A GREAT GUY ROBERT IS, SEE?
I'M TRYING TO GET HER TO FALL FOR ME.
- YEAH, LIKE SHE'S GONNA DUMP ME FOR YOU?
- YOU WATCH. I'M SLOWLY MAKING THE TRANSFER.
I BUILD UP WHO ROBERT IS,
THE KIND, COMPASSIONATE POLICE OFFICER,
AND I DOWNPLAY THE SHALLOW, HEARTLESS SPORTSWRITER
UNTIL SHE SAYS, "GEE, RAY,
I WISH YOU WERE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER,"
AND THEN, TA-DA!
- TA-DA? YOU'RE A PSYCHOTIC LIAR.
COME ON. JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH.
- I'M GONNA. - TONIGHT.
- BUT THERE'S GROUNDWORK.
- PSYCHOTIC! - ALL RIGHT!
I'LL TELL HER TONIGHT.
- ALL RIGHT.
SHE IS PRETTY, THOUGH.
- WHAT'D I TELL YOU? - MM.
WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE.
- MINE TOO. - YEAH.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE NEITHER ONE OF US
COULD'VE GOTTEN HER ON OUR OWN, BUT--
- BUT MELDED TOGETHER,
WE WERE LIKE A WHOLE OTHER ENTITY,
LIKE A SUPERHERO.
WE WERE BETTER THAN JUST RAY.
- BETTER THAN JUST ROBERT.
- WE WERE
RAYBERT.
COME ON. YOU WERE ON YOUR WAY OUT ANYWAY.
YOU CAN'T HELP YOUR BROTHER
WITH HIS LAUNDRY DOWN THE STAIRS?
WE'RE RAYBERT.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, RAYBERT.
WHAT THE HELL YOU GOT IN HERE ANYWAY?
- JUST SOME SOCKS AND UNMENTIONABLES.
- YEAH.
TOO BAD THEY'RE NOT UNSMELLABLES.
- HEY. - HEY.
- YOU KNOW HER? - YEAH, RIGHT.
- HEY, LET ME HELP YOU SORT SOME OF THIS STUFF OUT, RAY.
- EXCUSE ME.
DO EITHER OF YOU HAVE CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR?
- UH, NO. NO, I DON'T.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
MY BROTHER, RAY BARONE, PROBABLY DOES.
YEAH. YEAH.
YOU PROBABLY DO, RIGHT?
HE'S A TOP SPORTSWRITER OVER AT "NEWSDAY."
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?
CAN YOU HELP HER OUT, RAY BARONE?
- I THINK I MIGHT HAVE CHANGE.
- OH, YES.
TOP WRITER AT "NEWSDAY" IS GONNA HAVE PLENTY O' CHANGE.
- THANKS.
SO THIS GUY MUST BE THE PRESIDENT OF YOUR FAN CLUB.
- [laughs] NO, NO, NO.
YEAH, NO, I'M JUST HIS BROTHER, ROBERT, THAT'S ALL,
YOU KNOW, BUT I AM PROUD OF HIS ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
YEAH. YOU BET I AM.
BUT YOU TWO GO BACK TO WHAT YOU WERE DOING.
YOU WORK OUT THAT CHANGE THING. YEAH, GO AHEAD.
- SO YOU'RE RAY BARONE?
- UH, YES. YES, I AM.
- MY FATHER LOVES YOUR COLUMN.
- WELL, THANK YOU.
- SO DOES MY FATHER. YEAH.
AND HIS FATHER, 'CAUSE-- 'CAUSE WE'RE BROTHERS.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT. LET'S DO LAUNDRY.
- HEY, HEY, IT WORKS. RAYBERT WORKS.
- ALL RIGHT, BUT I LIKE NATASHA.
- OH, YOU CAN'T TIE RAYBERT DOWN LIKE THAT.
- HEY, RAYBERT MAY BE TWO GUYS, BUT HE'S A ONE-WOMAN MAN.
- COME ON, I JUST WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
- THANKS FOR THE CHANGE.
both: YOU'RE WELCOME.
- SO YOU--YOU'RE USING NUMBER SEVEN.
THERE'S A GREAT AGITATOR IN THERE.
- OKAY.
- LISTEN, YOU KNOW, TELL YOUR DAD
IF HE EVER WANTS TO TALK SPORTS,
I'D BE HAPPY TO.
- THAT'S SO NICE. THANKS.
I'M WENDI.
- I'M STILL RAY.
- RIGHT.
[all laugh]
I'LL SEE YOU AROUND THE BUILDING.
- OKEYDOKEY. - BYE.
- BYE.
[laughs]
OH, GOD!
- RAY.
- OH, I GOT TO TELL YOU,
THAT WAS WILD WATCHING THAT.
IT'S LIKE I INVENTED A WORLD WHERE LADIES WANT RAY!
- BERT! RAYBERT!
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, RAYBERT, RAYBERT, RAYBERT.
HEY, LISTEN, YOU-- WITH YOUR AVAILABILITY
AND MY MYSTIQUE, WE--
WE'RE UNSTOPPABLE!
- ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,
WE MAY HAVE UNLEASHED AN AWESOME POWER HERE.
BUT WITH THAT POWER COMES RESPONSIBILITY.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU GOT TO START WORKING ON MY WARDROBE.
[doorbell rings]
- HI. - HI.
- I'M NATASHA. IS ROBERT HERE?
- UH, NO, NOT AT THE MOMENT.
- WELL, I MET HIM THIS MORNING, AND I JUST--
- YOU MET ROBBIE?
- YES.
- DID YOU LIKE HIM?
- SURE, HE SEEMS VERY NICE. - HE IS VERY NICE.
I'M HIS MOTHER. - MARIE.
- WHAT?
I'M INTERESTED IN MY SON'S FRIENDS.
WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME, NATASHA?
- LEONETTI.
- [gasps] ITALIAN!
- WELL, ON MY FATHER'S SIDE.
- GOOD ENOUGH! COME ON IN, DEAR.
- I JUST WANTED TO DROP OFF SOME THINGS
FOR THE POLICE CLOTHING DRIVE.
- OKAY.
I MEAN, YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME TO LEAVE THEM HERE,
BUT YOU MIGHT DO BETTER TAKING THEM TO HIS PLACE.
- OH, I'M SORRY. THIS ISN'T ROBERT'S HOUSE.
I SAW "R. BARONE" IN THE PHONE BOOK.
I JUST ASSUMED-- - IT'S OKAY.
WE'LL MAKE SURE THAT HE GETS THEM.
- THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU. - YOU TOO.
- WELL, HELLO.
- HELLO.
- FRANK?
FRANK, THIS IS ROBBIE'S NEW FRIEND, NATASHA.
- NATASHA.
WELL, ANY GORGEOUS FRIEND OF ROBERT'S
IS A GORGEOUS FRIEND OF MINE.
WHERE IS RAY? I WANT TO SEE HIS DEAD TOENAIL.
I THINK I GOT THE SAME THING.
- UH, RAY'S HERE?
- OH, YES, HE'S UPSTAIRS PUTTING THE KIDS TO BED.
- KIDS? WHAT KIDS?
- HOW DO YOU--
WAIT, HOW DO YOU KNOW RAY?
- WE MET AT A BAR.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THROUGH ROBERT?
- NO, NO, NO, I MET ROBERT THROUGH RAY,
'CAUSE RAY AND I ARE KIND OF DATING.
- [gasps]
- HOLY CRAP!
- WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT?
- IS THERE A PROBLEM?
- UM, NO, THERE'S NO PROBLEM.
I'M JUST SURPRISED
THAT MY HUSBAND HAS TIME TO DATE.
- WHAT? YOU'RE HIS WIFE?
RAY SAID YOU WERE DEAD!
- [gasps] OH! OH!
OH! OH!
- HOLY CRAP!
- [singing] BEACH BABY
DOWN ON THE SAND--
- SHAME ON YOU, YOUNG MAN!
- WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE!
- DIDN'T I TEACH YOU ANYTHING?
YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH YOUR WOMAN,
YOU DON'T GO OUT AND GET ANOTHER WOMAN!
NOW ALL YOU GOT IS TWO PROBLEMS!
- JUST WAIT A MINUTE!
- OKAY, JUST BACK IT UP, EVERYBODY.
- ROBERT, WHAT IS GOING ON?
- THAT'S NOT ROBERT. THAT'S RAYMOND.
- YOU'RE NOT ROBERT?
- OKAY, LOOK, IF YOU JUST LET ME TALK,
I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
I AM ROBERT.
- WOW, THAT IS ONE BAD ALIBI.
- [changes voice] I COME TO FIX SPRINKLER.
- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- MAN, LET ME SHOW YOU WHERE THAT WATER VALVE IS.
- RAY.
- SORRY, MAN.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT. FORGET IT.
[clears throat forcefully]
I AM ROBERT BARONE, LIEUTENANT, NYPD,
AND THIS IS MY BROTHER,
RAYMOND,
SPORTSWRITER, "NEWSDAY."
- HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
- WHEN YOU FIRST MISTOOK ME FOR RAYMOND,
I DIDN'T WANT TO LET YOU DOWN.
- SO YOU LIED TO ME?
I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.
- NO, NO, WAIT, NATASHA,
LISTEN.
I WAS GONNA TELL YOU SO MANY TIMES.
IT'S JUST THAT I REALLY LIKED YOU,
AND I DIDN'T WANT--
YOU SEE, PEOPLE SEEM TO RESPOND DIFFERENTLY
TO RAYMOND.
HE'S ALWAYS BEEN THE FUNNY ONE,
THE SMART ONE,
THE FAVORED ONE.
- WE'VE NEVER SHOWN ANY FAVORITISM.
- SEE, YOU GOT TO UNDERSTAND
I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED
WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO BE RAYMOND.
AND IT WAS EVEN BETTER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
BECAUSE I MET YOU.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
I LIKED YOU.
- REALLY?
- NOT ANYMORE.
THIS IS SO HUMILIATING.
- I HEAR YOU.
- AND WHAT DID YOU THINK,
I WAS SOME RAY BARONE GROUPIE?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
GOOD-BYE, WHOEVER YOU ARE!
- [laughs]
IT'S NOT YOU.
IT'S THAT SHE SAID, "RAY BARONE GROUPIE."
- ALL RIGHT, DAD.
- THAT'S GOT TO BE A PRETTY SMALL GROUP.
ALL YOU GOT LEFT IS HER.
I'LL SAY THIS, ROBERT.
YOU'RE SCARING OFF A BETTER CLASS OF BROAD.
- ALWAYS THERE FOR ME, DAD.
- HE'S RIGHT.
WHY WON'T YOU LET ME HELP YOU, ROBBIE?
- HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO HELP HIMSELF.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
YOU HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE SOMEBODY ELSE?
I MEAN, PLEASE, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
YOU HAVE GOT TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE SELF-ESTEEM!
- YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M AN IDIOT.
- YES--NO! THAT'S--NO!
THAT--THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
WHEN ARE YOU GONNA SEE
WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SEE IN YOU, ROBERT?
- I KNOW. I KNOW.
IT'S JUST IT STARTED AS A MIX-UP,
AND THEN RAYMOND AND I
JUST STARTED HAVING SO MUCH FUN WITH IT.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
RAY AND YOU?
- BY "RAY," HE MEANS HIM 'CAUSE OF THAT THING HE DID.
YEAH.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, I'M NOT BLAMING YOU, RAY.
I MEAN, IT'S MY FAULT. I ENJOYED BEING RAYBERT TOO.
- RAYBERT?
- YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT WE CALLED US. IT WAS FUN.
AND IT WORKED.
THERE WAS NATASHA
AND THEN THE GIRL IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM.
- THE GIRL IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM?
- [changes voice] I GO FIX SPRINKLER NOW.
- OH, GOOD, HE'S HERE.
DAD, THIS IS RAY BARONE.
- UM--
- THAT'S NOT RAY BARONE.
- WHAT? - I'VE SEEN HIM IN INTERVIEWS.
- LISTEN--
- THIS GUY TOLD YOU HE WAS RAY BARONE?
- YEAH.
- WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL?
- YOU'RE NOT RAY BARONE?
- I HAVE SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES.
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
- NO ONE KNOWS.
- STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER, UNDERSTAND ME?
OR I'LL CALL THE COPS.
- ACTUALLY, I AM A COP.
- YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH ME NOW?
LET'S GO.
FROM NOW ON, YOU DO YOUR LAUNDRY AT HOME.
- WEIRDO.
- THAT DOESN'T HELP MY SELF-ESTEEM!