- OH, MY GOD. YOU HAVE ANTS HERE TOO, DEBRA.
- I KNOW, MARIE.
YOU SON KEEPS LEAVING FOOD OUT.
RAY, CAN YOU COME HERE?
- THEY SEEM TO LIKE YOUR MEAT LOAF, DEAR.
- WHAT? WHAT'S UP?
- MORE ANTS. - OH.
- JUST SO YOU KNOW, I'M CALLING THE EXTERMINATOR.
- OH, NO, I HATE THAT GUY AND HIS CHEMICALS.
THE COUNTER TASTED FUNNY AFTER HE LEFT LAST TIME.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING LICKING THE COUNTER?
- I SAW SOMETHING THAT LOOKED LIKE JELLY.
- I'M GONNA TRY TO GET HIM HERE ON MONDAY.
- OH.
- IN THE MEANTIME, THESE ANTS COULD MAYBE LEAD YOU
TO THE OTHER CRUMBS IN THE HOUSE.
- LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU ROUND UP THE KIDS, HUH?
I DON'T FEEL LIKE GETTING ANY MORE FOOD OUT,
SO WE'LL TAKE THEM TO MARCO'S FOR DINNER.
- COME ON, DON'T MAKE THIS INTO A WHOLE THING!
- THE KITCHEN IS COVERED IN ANTS.
- BUT YOU KNOW THE KIDS AND RESTAURANTS.
COME ON. LOOK, IT'S LATE, THEY'RE TIRED.
THEY'RE GONNA BE FIGHTING. FOOD'S GONNA BE EVERYWHERE.
I SAY WE EAT IN FRONT OF THE TV,
LIKE A REGULAR FAMILY.
- SO WE CAN NEVER TAKE THE KIDS TO A RESTAURANT?
- WE CAN GO WHEN THEY CAN DRIVE US.
WAIT, HOW 'BOUT WE GO TO MARCO'S, HUH?
JUST THE TWO OF US.
MA, CAN YOU TAKE THE KIDS TO YOUR HOUSE FOR DINNER?
SURE, THEY COULD USE A HOME-COOKED MEAL.
- IT'S OKAY, MARIE.
- NO, NO! COME ON! IT'LL BE FUN, HUH?
JUST YOU AND ME. LIKE WHEN WE WERE DATING.
EXCEPT NOW I KNOW NOT TO EXPECT SEX AFTER.
HA, HA, HA!
- I DON'T LIKE THAT, RAYMOND.
- OKAY. COME ON, KIDS. GET YOUR COATS ON.
WE'RE GOING OUT TO EAT.
- YIPPEE!
- YOU READY, RAY?
OKAY, BYE, MARIE.
DON'T BOTHER TO CLEAN UP. I'LL GET TO IT LATER.
- SHE'LL GET TO IT LATER.
EVEN THE ANTS ARE LAUGHING.
[yelling and screaming]
- STOP IT! STOP!
Debra: HEY, HEY! YOUR FATHER SAID STOP!
IN FIVE MINUTES, I'M COMING UP THERE,
AND WHOEVER'S NOT IN BED GETS NO CANDY
UNTIL THEY'RE 30!
OH, MY GOD.
- JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT
IT COULDN'T POSSIBLY GET ANY LOUDER,
THEY FIND THEIR WHISTLES IN THE CAR.
YOU GOT SOME SPAGHETTI IN YOUR HAIR.
OH...WHAT A NIGHTMARE.
- I GUESS I BETTER GET UP THERE, HUH?
- ALMOST CAN'T THINK OF A TIME WHEN THE KIDS BEHAVED WORSE!
MAYBE THAT ONE TIME, UH, AT THE LAKE
WHEN GEOFFREY TRIED TO RIDE A GOOSE.
NO. NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS WAS WORSE.
YEP! A BAD NIGHT.
WELL, AT LEAST WE GOT CHOCOLATE CAKE OUT OF IT.
I LOVE CHOCOLATE CAKE.
- YOU GOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY, RAY?
- HMM? WHAT'S THAT, NOW?
YOU GOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME
ABOUT GOING OUT TONIGHT?
- NO...I DON'T THINK SO.
I PRETTY MUCH SAID ALL I HAD TO SAY
BEFORE WE WENT THERE.
- WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
- NO PROBLEM; IT'S JUST I HAD ANOTHER PLAN FOR TONIGHT,
AND YOU REJECTED IT, AND NOW...
DID YOU GET WHAT YOU WANTED?
- I HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING THAT,
BECAUSE THAT'S GOING TO BE YOUR LAST MEAL.
- I'M NOT SCARED.
WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT CAUSED ME TO HAVE A REVELATION.
- WHICH WAS WHAT?
- THAT I'M ALWAYS THE ONE WHO HAS TO BACK DOWN AROUND HERE.
I CONSTANTLY HAVE TO SHUT MY MOUTH TO KEEP THE PEACE.
- EXCUSE ME?
- THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU'RE GOING TO ACT LIKE A BIG BABY
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GET YOUR WAY TONIGHT?
- TRY EVERY NIGHT, OKAY?
I'M TALKING ABOUT 12 YEARS OF MARRIAGE NOW!
YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR WAY AT EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME.
- THAT IS NOT TRUE!
- IT'S NOT TRUE?
HOW ABOUT THE DOG THAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED?
WAIT A MINUTE!
IF YOU DON'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT,
THEN I GUESS WE HAVE ONE.
HEY, FLOPPY! HERE, BOY!
- FLOPPY?
- THAT'S RIGHT--FLOPPY.
YOU CAN'T EVEN LET ME NAME MY IMAGINARY DOG.
- SO BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE A DOG,
YOU NEVER GET YOUR WAY?
- LOOK AROUND!
EVERYTHING IN HERE IS YOUR DECISION.
THAT LAMP, THAT PAINTING.
THE FLOWER DRAPES OVER THE SINK.
I HATE THOSE DRAPES. LOOK, THEY'RE ONE PATTERN.
AND THE WALL'S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PATTERN.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WITH THOSE DRAPES?
- I DIDN'T HEAR A PEEP OUT OF YOU
WHEN WE WERE PICKING THEM OUT.
- WELL, MAYBE YOU NEED TO LISTEN BETTER.
- I NEED TO LISTEN BETTER?
[yelling] I NEED TO LISTEN BETTER?
- YES! YES! BECAUSE I DID SAY SOMETHING.
I SAID, "REALLY? THOSE DRAPES?"
AND WHAT DID YOU SAY? I BELIEVE YOU SAID--
LET ME SEE IF I REMEMBER.
THAT'S RIGHT-- YOU SAID, "PFFT!"
- THAT'S BECAUSE, "REALLY? THOSE DRAPES?"
DOESN'T HELP ME!
YOU DON'T REALLY WANT
TO BE INVOLVED IN THE DECISION,
YOU JUST WANT TO RESERVE THE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN.
- NO, YOU JUST DON'T WANT MY OPINION!
HOW ABOUT WITH THE COUCH?
REMEMBER, I PICKED OUT THAT REALLY COOL ONE
WITH THE THREE POP-UP FOOTRESTS.
- THAT THING WAS ATROCIOUS!
- IT WAS PERHAPS THE BEST COUCH EVER!
- SO THAT'S YOUR IDEA OF DECISION-MAKING,
A DOG NAMED "FLOPPY" AND UNLIMITED FOOTRESTS?
- NOT A BAD START.
- I THINK YOU'RE FORGETTING
THAT I ALREADY LET YOU MAKE DECISIONS, RAY,
AND THEN YOU PROCEED TO SCREW THEM UP!
- I DON'T RECALL THAT.
- LAST WEEK, I SENT YOU FOR A SIMPLE GARDEN HOSE.
YOU CAME HOME WITH THAT TINY THING.
IT'S TOTALLY USELESS.
- WHAT? THAT'S A GOOD HOSE.
- TWO FEET LONG?
THE WATER DOESN'T EVEN REACH THE PLANTS!
- SO YOU SQUIRT IT OVER THERE.
USE YOUR THUMB, THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO.
- JUST SO YOU KNOW, THAT HOSE IS GOIN' BACK.
- OH...THAT'S IT RIGHT THERE.
- WHAT?
- THAT IS HOW YOU GET YOUR WAY.
"JUST SO YOU KNOW."
YEAH, YEAH. "JUST SO YOU KNOW, RAY,
"WE'RE GETTING THE FLOWER DRAPES.
"JUST SO YOU KNOW, RAY,
"I ORDERED THE BORING COUCH WITHOUT THE FOOTRESTS.
"AND, RAY, WE'RE GOING TO MOVE IN ACROSS THE STREET
FROM YOUR PARENTS-- JUST SO YOU KNOW."
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I REMEMBER SAYING, "NO, NO.
IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, NO!"
BUT LOOK WHERE WE ARE.
NICE WORK!
SORRY I'M COMING ON STRONG, BUT THE TRUTH HAS SET ME FREE!
- [sighs]
SO YOU JUST WANT TO MAKE MORE DECISIONS,
IS THAT IT?
- THAT'S ALL I'M SAYIN'.
- NO.
- WHAT? WHAT?
- YOU GAVE UP THE RIGHT TO MAKE DECISIONS AROUND HERE
WHEN YOU STOPPED TAKING ANY RESPONSIBILITY.
YOU DON'T HELP ME AT ALL! YOU CAN'T EVEN WASH A DISH!
- MAYBE I'D WASH A DISH IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO LOOK
AT THOSE REPULSIVE CURTAINS.
- FINE, FINE. YOU BE THAT WAY.
BUT UNTIL YOU START HELPIN' OUT,
I'M MAKIN' ALL THE DECISIONS.
- BUT-- - GOOD NIGHT.
- BUT YOU-- YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
WE'RE MARRIED. IT'S A TWO-WAY STREET.
- NO, IT'S NOT.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "NO, IT'S NOT"?
MARRIAGE IS A TWO-WAY STREET.
YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE IT A ONE-WAY STREET.
THINK OF ALL THE ACCIDENTS YOU'RE CAUSIN'.
NOT MAKING ANY DECISIONS--
I'LL MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS I WANT.
MAYBE I'M DECIDING TO SLEEP DOWN HERE TONIGHT.
Debra: I ALREADY MADE THAT DECISION!
Debra: JUST SO YOU KNOW!
- HEY... GOOD MORNING.
- HUH?
HEY. WHAT'S UP?
- IS THAT THE NETTING FROM OUR TENT?
- YEAH, IT'S KEEPING THE ANTS AWAY.
- IT'S DETACHABLE?
- IT CAME OFF.
- LISTEN, UH...
[sighs]
I'M SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
- YOU KNOW, YOU BROUGHT SOMETHING UP,
AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE DISMISSED YOU LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, YOU'RE RIGHT...
SOMETIMES I DO JUST DISREGARD YOUR OPINION.
SOMETIMES I MIGHT THINK WRONGLY
THAT YOUR DECISION-MAKING ABILITY IS SUSPECT--
ARE YOU OKAY THERE?
- YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT.
- ANYWAY, I APOLOGIZE.
- OKAY, YEAH.
I'M SORRY IF I WAS A LITTLE JERKY LAST NIGHT TOO.
THE CURTAINS ARE NOT ACTUALLY REPULSIVE.
- BUT YOU HAVE A POINT.
JUST BECAUSE YOU WOULD NAME A DOG "FLOPPY"
DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULDN'T GET A SAY.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE HAVE A VACATION COMING UP.
WHY DON'T YOU DECIDE WHERE WE GO?
- ME? I DECIDE THE VACATION?
- YEAH.
- THE FAMILY VACATION?
THAT'S BIG.
- I TRUST YOU. I DO.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TRUST YOU.
- [high-pitched singing] YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE DANCIN'
I WANNA DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY
HEY
- HEY...WHAT'S ALL THAT?
- YOU GOT FOOD IN THERE? GIVE IT!
- I GOT ALL THESE TRAVEL BROCHURES
FOR OUR VACATION I'M PLANNING.
- WOW!
- IT'S AMAZING. THE WORLD HAS A LOT OF PLACES!
- WHAT'S ALL THIS? - NO, NO, NO...
NO, NO, NO.
YOU TOLD ME TO GET SOME MILK AT THE STORE,
AND, I THOUGHT, 'CAUSE I'M HELPING,
THAT I WOULD GET SOME STUFF THAT I WANTED TO GET.
- OH...
- YEAH. LET ME SHOW YOU.
THIS IS FOR THE ANTS. IT'S ALL NATURAL.
MADE FROM SOME OIL OR SOMETHING.
YOU CAN SPRAY IT WHEREVER YOU WANT.
RAY! WATCH IT! DON'T, DON'T!
- NO, NO, IT'S MADE FROM, LIKE, ORANGES OR SOMETHING.
YOU SQUIRT IT ON A CRACKER, YOU GOT YOURSELF A SNACK.
- I'M IN!
- SO I WAS THINKIN' WE COULD CANCEL THE EXTERMINATOR.
- IF YOU WANT TO GO AROUND
AND SPRAY EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY OF THIS HOUSE,
THEN YOU CAN CANCEL THE EXTERMINATOR.
- HA-HA! I CAN DO THINGS. I'M A THING-DOER.
- HI. I MADE SANDWICHES.
Frank: ENOUGH CHITCHAT, MARIE. SANDWICHES!
- HEY, MARIE,
RAY WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE ON HIS OWN!
- YOU WENT SHOPPING ON YOUR OWN?
- NOT JUST GROCERIES.
ALLY NEEDS A NOTEBOOK FOR SCHOOL, RIGHT?
SO HERE I AM HELPING.
- OH, PURPLE.
- LOOK, I FOUND THESE KITS TO MAKE BOX KITES.
TWO FOR $5.
SO I THOUGHT THE TWINS WOULD LIKE 'EM.
PARKER'S KID HAD THEM AT THE PLAYGROUND,
BUT THESE ARE MUCH BIGGER. HA-HA! PARKER!
- YEAH, THESE ARE GREAT!
- MA, COULD YOU BRING DAD HIS SANDWICHES?
HIS STOMACH JUST MADE A NOISE I HEARD IN THE WOODS ONCE.
- I'M SORRY, ROBERT.
WE WERE WATCHING RAYMOND UNLOAD GROCERIES.
- AND NOBODY'S VIDEOTAPING?
- ROBERT, PLEASE.
KEEP GOING. WHAT ELSE DID YOU GET?
- I FOUND THESE GREAT TISSUES ON SALE,
SO I GOT TEN BOXES.
- THAT'S A LOT OF TISSUES.
- NOT ONLY WERE THEY ON SALE, THERE WAS AN IN-STORE COUPON,
SO IT WAS, LIKE, UNBELIEVABLE.
- TELL US MORE ABOUT THE TISSUES, RAY.
- YEAH, OKAY.
SURE. YOU CAN MAKE FUN,
BUT WE ARE SET FOR TISSUES.
- SO YOU SAVED SOME MONEY.
- WHAT? - WHAT? THEY'RE GOOD.
WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?
- WAIT, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE TISSUES?
- NOTHING. - NO, SOMETHING.
- IT'S JUST I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN THOSE KIND
'CAUSE THEY DON'T REALLY GO WITH THE BATHROOM.
BUT IT'S FINE. IT DOESN'T MATTER.
- HEH-HEH. SHE HATES THE TISSUES.
- OH, NO, THEY'RE TOTALLY FINE. SO WHAT ELSE IS IN HERE?
- WAIT, WAIT. HOLD ON. HOLD ON. HOLD ON.
MOM, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THESE?
- WELL, I DON'T BUY THIS KIND.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THEM.
HOWEVER, I WOULD SAY THAT ACCENTS LIKE TISSUES
ARE ONE OF THE MOST CRUCIAL DECISIONS
IN THE LOOK AND CHARACTER OF A HOUSEHOLD.
- YOU DO REALIZE THAT PEOPLE USE THEM TO BLOW THEIR NOSE?
- YES, BUT BEFORE THEY BLOW THEIR NOSE,
THE RIGHT TISSUE BOX INVITES THEM TO DO SO.
- YEAH?
OKAY, WELL, I THINK THESE ARE INVITING.
- WELL, YOU ARE ALONE.
- SHUT UP.
COME ON. THEY'RE GOOD, RIGHT?
- YEAH, THEY'RE GREAT.
- YOU DO HATE THEM, DON'T YOU?
- I--RAY, LOOK, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
I'LL JUST GET MY KIND THE NEXT TIME I GO TO THE STORE.
- WAIT. NO, NO, NO.
I MADE THIS DECISION, AND WE'RE STICKING WITH THIS.
- IT'S NOT THAT BIG--
- I'M SORRY, BUT I AM NOT GONNA BACK DOWN HERE!
- NOW WE GOT A SHOW!
- I JUST THINK THAT YOUR BATHROOM
NEEDS AS MUCH HELP AS IT CAN GET.
- NO, THIS IS NOT ABOUT DEBRA AND HER LOUSY HOUSEKEEPING.
IT'S ABOUT ME FINALLY GETTING SOME SAY!
- RAYMOND, WHY ARE YOU BEING SO STUBBORN?
- LET'S NOT FORGET, WHEN I WAS GROWING UP,
YOU NEVER LET ME MAKE ANY DECISIONS, EITHER!
I WAS 15 YEARS OLD--
YOU WERE STILL PICKING OUT MY CLOTHES.
- THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG
WITH MY PUTTING TOGETHER YOUR SPECIAL OUTFITS.
- YEAH, MA, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
WHEN KIDS AT SCHOOL FIND OUT YOU'RE WEARING AN OUTFIT,
ALL THEY WANT TO DO IS HIT YOU IN IT.
- YOU JUST GIVE ME THE NAMES OF THOSE KIDS--
- I'M ALL GROWN-UP NOW, MA!
ALL GROWN-UP!
- AND LOOK HOW YOU DRESS.
- YOU SEE?
I STILL CAN'T MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS.
YOU NEVER LET ME! AND YOU NEVER LET ME!
YOU'RE BOTH THE SAME!
- HEY! - HEY!
- GAME'S ALL OVER. STILL NO SANDWICHES.
OH...
HEY, THOSE TISSUES STINK.
- WHAT?
- YEAH, THEY GOT THE LOTION ON THEM.
THEY'RE ALL GREASY.
YOU PULL ONE OUT TO BLOW YOUR NOSE ON IT,
YOU THINK YOU DID IT ALREADY.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
KNOWING YOU, DAD, YOU PROBABLY DID.
- SERIOUSLY, THAT IS A DISASTER OF A PRODUCT.
- THESE TISSUES ARE FINE, DAD!
THEY'RE FINE! ALL RIGHT?
- RAYMOND, IF I MAY...
DID YOU EVER STOP TO WONDER WHY THESE TISSUES WERE ON SALE?
THE BAD COLOR, THE DISGUSTING TEXTURE,
THE FACT THAT THEY'RE ONLY 100-COUNT
WHEN A TYPICAL BOX OF TISSUES HOLDS 160?
HMM?
YOU GOT RIPPED OFF, MY BROTHER.
NOBODY WANTED THESE THINGS.
NOBODY BUT POOR OL' MR. BUMBLEPUSS.
THAT'S YOU.
- ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY OUT!
- RAYMOND, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE ACTING LIKE THIS.
- YEAH, WE DIDN'T BUY THE STUPID TISSUES.
- BECAUSE THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
I GET ONE THING I WANT,
AND EVERYBODY'S GOT TO JUMP ALL OVER ME!
- GET SOMETHING BETTER NEXT TIME.
- GET OUT!
- I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING.
I'VE BLOWN MY NOSE FOR THE LAST TIME IN THIS HOUSE!
- OH...OH, BOY,
THERE GOES OUR SATURDAY NIGHT!
- TRY THIS TISSUE.
- RAY, I DON'T WANT TO ARGUE ABOUT THIS.
- GOOD, THEN YOU AGREE WITH KEEPING THE TISSUES.
- FINE, WE'LL KEEP THE DAMN TISSUES.
- DON'T CALL 'EM DAMN TISSUES.
THEY'RE GONNA BE OUR TISSUES,
AND WE'RE GONNA DISPLAY THEM PROUDLY.
THEY'RE GONNA BE THE OFFICIAL TISSUES OF THE HOUSE!
- OKAY. THAT'S GREAT. WHATEVER YOU SAY, HONEY.
I GOT TO GO PICK UP THE KIDS IN A FEW MINUTES.
AND WE'RE SUPPOSED TO EAT DINNER AT YOUR PARENTS' TONIGHT,
IF THEY'LL HAVE US OVER AFTER YOUR LITTLE FREAK-OUT.
- NO, NO, I'M NOT EATING WITH THOSE DOWNERS!
I'LL MAKE MY OWN FOOD RIGHT HERE.
AND I'LL DECIDE TO EAT WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT.
ALL RIGHT? JUST SO YOU KNOW!
I HAPPEN TO BE A VERY GOOD COOK.
[phone rings]
- HELLO?
HEY, GIANNI. YEAH.
NO, NOTHING.
DEBRA'S GOING NUTTY ON ME OVER HERE,
BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
YEAH, I CAN GOLF TOMORROW. YES.
IT'S NOT GONNA SNOW. IT'S GONNA BE 40 DEGREES.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SNOW...
NO. IT'S GONNA BE FINE.
RED SKY AT NIGHT, SAILOR'S DELIGHT.
"SHAKING WITH FRIGHT?" WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
WELL, YOUR MOTHER'S STUPID, MAN.
YEAH.
HEY, YOU EVER TRY THOSE TISSUES WITH THE LOTION IN 'EM?
YEAH. NO, THEY'RE GOOD.
YES, THEY ARE!
NO, YOU SUCK!
ALL RIGHT. WHATEVER.
I'LL SEE YA TOMORROW. YOU BE THERE.
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
MY TISSUES!
- RAY, WHAT THE--
- FIRE!
THERE'S A FIRE!
- OH, GOD!
- GET OUT OF THE WAY!
- [screaming]
- WELL, IT TOOK CARE OF THE ANTS!
- MOST OF THIS IS COSMETIC,
SO IT WON'T TAKE TOO LONG TO GET YOU BACK IN SHAPE.
- OH, GOOD. - THAT'S GREAT.
- I'VE GOT SOME WALLPAPER CHOICES OUT IN MY TRUCK.
AND HERE'S SOME POSSIBILITIES FOR DRAPES.
- GREAT, THANKS.