- SO, GIRLS, YOU'RE OUT THERE.
YOU'RE SELLING COOKIES.
SOMEONE APPROACHES YOU.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- "WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME COOKIES?"
- NO.
AGAIN, WE SAY,
"HOW MANY COOKIES WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY?"
SEE, A FRONTIER GIRL NEVER GIVES 'EM
THE CHANCE TO SAY NO.
YOU MUST ALWAYS REMEMBER--
- IF YOUR MOTHER TELLS ME NOT TO BUY IT,
THEN I CAN'T BUY IT.
HI. SORRY. SORRY. SORRY.
MY WIFE HAD TO TAKE THE TWINS TO THE DOCTOR, YEAH.
I TOLD HER, "JUST BRING ONE OF EM,
AND WE'LL DOUBLE THE MEDICINE."
YEAH.
- HAVE A SEAT. - I'LL HAVE A SEAT.
EXCUSE ME. I'LL SIT OVER THERE.
SORRY. EXCUSE ME.
- OW! - OH, GOD! I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY. ARE YOU OKAY?
OH, BOY. REALLY SORRY.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY, REALLY SORRY.
OH, EXCUSE ME. SORRY. ALL RIGHT.
I'M SORRY. AY-YI-YI.
I STEPPED ON A CHILD.
- OH, GOODNESS.
- SORRY.
I'M SORRY, REAL SORRY.
- ALL RIGHT, WHERE WAS I?
OKAY, I WAS ABOUT TO REMIND YOU
OF THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF SALES.
IT'S "ABC": "ALWAYS BE CLOSING."
GIRLS?
all: [weakly] "ALWAYS BE CLOSING."
- DO YOU WANT TO SELL COOKIES?
AGAIN.
all: ALWAYS BE CLOSING!
VERY GOOD.
OKAY.
NOW, THIS YEAR'S PRIZES.
TOP SELLER ON THE BOARD
GETS THIS BEAUTIFUL BEACH CHAIR AND UMBRELLA SET.
all: OOH.
- SECOND PRIZE IS A UNIFORM PATCH.
all: OH.
- AND THE THIRD PRIZE--
- YOU'RE OUT OF THE TROOP.
I WAS ONLY--I'M KIDDING. IT'S NOT TRUE. IT'S NOT TRUE.
I WAS JUST JOKING.
I'M SORRY.
- THE THIRD PRIZE
IS THIS SHEET OF WILDLIFE STICKERS.
- OH!
THAT'S-- NO, I LIKE THAT.
THAT'S GOT MONKEYS ON IT, RIGHT?
YEAH. I LIKE MONKEYS.
- OKAY, GIRLS,
IT'S TIME TO GO WITH MRS. MANNING.
SHE'S GOING TO TEACH YOU HOW TO MAKE A PINHOLE CAMERA
OUT OF AN ORANGE JUICE CONTAINER.
EVERYBODY BROUGHT THEIR ORANGE JUICE CONTAINERS?
- YOU KNOW WHAT, ALLY?
I GOT A REAL CAMERA IN THE CAR.
GREAT PICTURES, NO PULP.
- AND, MOMS, IN ADDITION TO YOUR DOOR-TO-DOOR SALES,
I'LL BE ASSIGNING LOCATIONS FOR YOUR COOKIE-SELLING BOOTHS.
THERE'S COFFEE AND SNACKS HERE IF YOU WANT THEM.
- BOY, SHE TAKES THIS STUFF SERIOUSLY, HUH?
- PEGGY? OH, YEAH.
AND YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT GETTING THAT BEACH CHAIR--
SHE'S A KILLER.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I THOUGHT THE GIRLS SELL THE COOKIES.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- HELLO, ALLY'S DAD. I'M MOLLY'S MOM.
- HI. HI, I'M RAY.
- I'M GIVING YOU LICKETY-SPLIT CLEANERS.
THAT'S WHERE DEBRA AND ALLY CAN SET UP ON THE SIDEWALK
AND SELL COOKIES.
- OKAY, WELL, AND IT MIGHT NOT BE DEBRA.
I MEAN, I COULD BE OUT THERE WITH ALLY.
I'M ONE OF THOSE VERY INVOLVED DADS.
- GOOD FOR YOU.
HERE YOU GO.
- OH, LISTEN, SORRY ABOUT THE JOKE BEFORE, YOU KNOW?
I DIDN'T MEAN TO--
- [dryly] OH, NO, I ENJOYED IT IMMENSELY.
IT WAS VERY, VERY FUNNY.
- DAMN! I GOT PEETIE'S.
- WHAT--THE MUFFLER PLACE? PEETIE'S?
- PEETIE'S.
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH THIS DEADBEAT SPOT.
NO FOOT TRAFFIC.
SHE GIVES HERSELF MARCO'S PIZZA EVERY YEAR.
THAT'S WHY SHE WINS.
- MAN, THAT'S TOTALLY BOGUS.
- PEETIE'S.
- EXCUSE ME.
- UH, PEGGY, AH, I'M SORRY,
BUT PEETIE'S IS KIND OF OUT OF THE WAY FOR ME.
- OH. OKAY. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M SURE THAT ALLY'S DAD
WOULDN'T MIND SWITCHING WITH YOU.
- WHA--HUH? ME? PEETIE'S?
- YEAH, SWITCH YOUR CARD WITH SARAH.
YOU DON'T MIND, DO YOU?
- WELL, ACTUALLY, PEETIE'S, WE'RE--
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- NOTHING.
- THANKS, ALLY'S DAD.
- HEY, GOOD LUCK.
MAYBE YOU'LL GET THOSE MONKEY STICKERS.
- HI, MOMMY.
- HEY, HONEY. HOW WAS YOUR MEETING?
- COULD YOU COME NEXT TIME?
- SURE.
- HEY, DON'T EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN, OKAY?
- WHAT?
- SEND ME TO ONE OF THOSE MEETINGS.
I WAS THE ONLY GUY IN THAT HENHOUSE.
REALLY, REALLY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
- WHAT, SPEND TIME WITH YOUR DAUGHTER?
- OH, DON'T PUT YOUR TWIST ON IT, OKAY?
AND WHAT'S WITH THAT TROOP LEADER?
- PEGGY? SHE'S ALL RIGHT.
- OH, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. YOU'RE BEST FRIENDS.
- I HARDLY KNOW HER,
BUT I APPRECIATE ALL THE ORGANIZATION SHE DOES.
SHE'S A GREAT TROOP LEADER.
- YEAH, SO WAS HITLER.
SIMILAR UNIFORM TOO.
LOOK AT THIS. HUH?
PEETIE'S. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
THAT'S THE WORST COOKIE SPOT!
PEETIE'S!
- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- EVERYBODY KNOWS! COME ON.
I HAD LICKETY-SPLIT,
BUT SHE FORCED ME TO TRADE IT FOR PEETIE'S MUFFLER PLACE,
AND THEN SHE GETS MARCO'S, THE BEST SPOT!
- HOW DID SHE FORCE YOU?
- HOW?
SHE RIPPED IT OUT OF MY HAND.
I'M LUCKY I HAVE A HAND STILL!
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THIS LADY DOESN'T KNOW WHO SHE'S DEALING WITH, OKAY?
I'M GONNA TAKE THIS COOKIE SIGN-UP SHEET TO WORK.
I'LL HANG IT UP AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.
YEAH. [laughs]
LITTLE MISS PEGGY WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT HER.
I'LL BE BRINGING HOME THAT SWEET, SWEET BEACH CHAIR.
- RAY, ALLY SHOULD SELL HER OWN COOKIES.
THAT'S HOW WE'VE ALWAYS DONE IT IN THE PAST.
- YEAH, AND THAT'S WHY EVERY TIME WE GO TO THE BEACH,
WE GOT TO SIT IN THE FREAKING SAND, OKAY?
NO, UH-UH.
NO MORE.
NO MORE, BABY.
LET PEGGY CLEAN THE SAND OUT OF HER BEHIND!
- GIVE ME THE SHEET.
- NO, NO, THIS IS FOR MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.
- GIVE ME THE SHEET.
- COME ON!
- RAY.
- [hissing]
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
DON'T COME CRYING TO ME
WHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE THIS SUMMER
IN THE HOT SAND, GOING LIKE THIS...
- HOW ABOUT THIS, HUH?
SITTING AROUND, HAVING COOKIES AND MILK.
THIS IS NICE.
- HEY. - WAS NICE.
- HELLO, RAYMOND.
OH, I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE.
- YOU HUNGRY? - NO, NOT REALLY.
- YOU'LL HAVE SOME COOKIES AND MILK.
HERE.
- HE SAID HE DIDN'T WANT ANY.
- HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS.
- WELL, HE'S NOT GETTING ANY OF THESE.
- YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD YOU'RE BUYING THESE COOKIES.
DEBRA WOULDN'T LET ME TAKE ALLY'S SIGN-UP SHEET TO WORK.
WE COULD HAVE BEEN THE COOKIE CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD.
- WE DIDN'T BUY THESE FROM ALLY.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- WELL, A LADY AND HER DAUGHTER
JUST CAME TO OUR DOOR.
- WHAT LADY?
- I DON'T KNOW. A VERY NICE LADY.
I THINK HER NAME WAS, UH...PEGGY.
- PEGGY!
- [imitating Marie] "LET RAYMOND HAVE SOME COOKIES."
- HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?
HOW COULD YOU BUY COOKIES FROM PEGGY?
- WE WERE HUNGRY.
- DON'T YOU KNOW THAT ALLY IS SELLING
THE VERY SAME COOKIES?
- I LIKED THAT PEG AND HER LITTLE GIRL.
CUTE AS A BUTTON.
DIDN'T SAY A WORD, BUT SIMPLY PRECIOUS.
- SHE WAS DARLING.
- MORE DARLING THAN YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER?
- OF COURSE NOT! WE LOVE ALLY.
ALLY IS DELIGHTFUL.
YOU ARE GONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT HER TEETH, THOUGH,
AREN'T YOU?
- HER TEETH?
- WE'VE ALWAYS FELT BAD
THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE YOURS FIXED.
- MAYBE YOU DID.
I USED THE 400 BUCKS TO BUY A BELT SANDER.
- WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT-- WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY TEETH?
- HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED IN YOUR MOUTH?
IT'S LIKE A PRISON RIOT.
- AND THAT LITTLE GIRL'S HAIR, WITH THOSE LOVELY BRAIDS.
- YEAH, YEAH, LIKE HEIDI IN THE MOUNTAINS.
- ALLY HAS NICE HAIR.
- ALLY'S HAIR.
- WHAT?
- SHE'S GOT BEAUTIFUL HAIR,
BUT SOMEONE HAS TO GROOM IT PROPERLY.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I OFFERED TO TAKE HER TO MY BEAUTY SALON?
- SO SHE CAN HAVE THIS LOOK?
- BETTER THIS LOOK THAN...
- LOOK, ALLY'S HAIR IS FINE!
EVEN IF SHE LOOKED LIKE AN IGUANA,
YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT COOKIES FROM HER INSTEAD OF A STRANGER,
A STRANGER WHO HAPPENS TO BE MY ARCHENEMY!
- OH... YOU HAVE AN ARCHENEMY.
WHAT ARE YOU, A SUPERHERO NOW?
- CAPTAIN BIG NOSE.
- "I'M GONNA BLOW YOU AWAY!"
- HEY, RAY, YOU GOT TO--
- AH, AH, AH, AH-- LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK AT THIS. YOU SEE THIS? YOU HAPPY NOW?
- OH, WHERE'D THESE COME FROM?
- NOT FROM US!
- DON'T WORRY, RAYMOND.
WE'LL BUY A BOX FROM ALLY TOO.
- A BOX? ONE BOX?
- NO! NO MORE COOKIES!
WE'RE NOT THE ROCKEFELLERS!
- ONE BOX FOR ME.
I'LL GET THE APPLE CINNAMON, BECAUSE IT'S LOW-FAT.
- NOT AFTER YOU BUTTER 'EM.
- YOU KNOW WHO THEY GOT THESE FROM?
YOUR FRIEND PEGGY HITLER.
- YOU HAVE A FRIEND NAMED HITLER?
- SHE'S NOT MY FRIEND.
- BUT HER LAST NAME IS HITLER?
- SHE'S NOT A HITLER.
- SHE INVADED OUR TERRITORY.
- SEE, NOW I FEEL BAD FOR ALLY.
WE'LL BUY MORE THAN ONE BOX FROM HER.
- NO, WE'RE NOT!
BRAID HER HAIR, FIX HER TEETH,
AND COME BACK NEXT YEAR!
- OKAY, YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY, DON'T WORRY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BUY ANY MORE COOKIES.
ALL THE MONEY GOES TO THE SAME TROOP.
- THAT'S NOT THE POINT!
THIS WOMAN POACHED OUR OWN FAMILY!
- WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND "THIS WOMAN"?
- [growling] I DON'T LIKE HER!
- AND, UH, WHY DON'T YOU LIKE HER?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
SHE'S PUSHY AND ANNOYING AND--AND--
- AND SHE'S A WOMAN?
- WHAT? I NEVER SAID THAT.
- OH, COME ON, RAY.
YOU WOULDN'T ACT LIKE THIS IF A MAN DID THIS.
- A MAN WOULDN'T DO THIS.
- OKAY.
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
YOU DON'T LIKE WOMEN.
- WHO LIKES WOMEN?
- I LIKE WOMEN.
- DON'T LIE, RAYMOND.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WELL, I ALWAYS FELT YOU HAD A PROBLEM WITH WOMEN.
- A PROBLEM WITH WOMEN? LIKE WHO?
- WELL, ME, FOR INSTANCE.
- WHAT?
YOU'RE MY MOTHER. YOU'RE NOT A WOMAN.
- DR. FREUD ON LINE ONE FOR YOU, RAYMOND.
- YOU HAD THIS PROBLEM YOUR WHOLE LIFE,
EVER SINCE YOU COULD TALK.
- WHAT? WHAT WAS THE PROBLEM?
- YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TALK.
- TO YOU. HE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
- EXACTLY.
HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WOMEN,
BECAUSE WOMEN NEED TO TALK THINGS OUT,
AND YOU'VE NEVER WANTED TO DO THAT.
- SHE'S RIGHT. - OH, HERE WE GO.
- NO, YOU DON'T WANT A WOMAN WHO TALKS
OR NEEDS ANYTHING OR WANTS ANYTHING,
AND THE MOMENT A WOMAN EXPRESSES HERSELF,
SHE BELONGS IN THE HENHOUSE.
- AMEN.
- YOU SHOULD HEAR HOW HE TALKS ABOUT THIS PEGGY.
- CALLS HER HITLER. - OH, WILL YOU STOP IT?
- I DON'T HAVE TO STOP. I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH WOMEN.
- YOU HAVE NO WOMEN.
- HE'S WORRIED ABOUT PEGGY-- OR ANY WOMAN--
BEATING HIM OUT OF A BEACH CHAIR.
- NO, NO, NO, LOOK.
IT'S NOT ABOUT A BEACH CHAIR ANYMORE, OKAY?
THIS WOMAN-- THIS PERSON IS MEAN.
THIS PERSON IS A BULLY
WHO BULLIES PEOPLE IN A MEAN WAY!
- AND BECAUSE SHE WANTS THE BEACH CHAIR
AS MUCH AS HE DOES, HE CALLS HER NAMES.
HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH WOMEN.
- I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GOT THAT WAY.
- I HATE THAT PEGGY.
- JUST WONDERING, THIS HITLER WOMAN--
SHE'S NOT A SINGLE MOM, IS SHE?
- UH, WHY ARE WE SETTING UP HERE?
I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO PEETIE'S.
- YEAH, WELL, LITTLE CHANGE OF PLAN, SWEETIE.
THERE WE GO.
IT'S NICE HERE AT MARCO'S, ISN'T IT?
LET'S FIX YOUR HAIR A LITTLE.
- OW! - I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: "EYE APPEAL IS BUY APPEAL."
OH, CUSTOMERS. COME ON. COME ON.
STAND UP. STAND UP STRAIGHT.
- HOW MANY COOKIES WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY?
- HOW ABOUT ZERO?
- YOU COULD BE A LITTLE LOUDER, YOU KNOW?
JUST A LITTLE MORE FORCEFUL. LIKE THIS. WATCH.
COOKIES! COOKIES! COOKIES! - OH, NO, THANK YOU.
- CREAMY! CHOCOLATE FUDGY! - THAT'S OKAY.
- DELICIOUS COOKIES! - COOKIES, MOMMY!
- I'M SORRY, SWEETIE, BUT WE HAVEN'T HAD OUR LUNCH YET.
- I WANT COOKIES! - NO, SWEETIE. COME ON.
- DOUBLE CHOCOLATE CHIP. - I WANT COOKIES!
- ALL RIGHT.
JUST ONE BOX FOR AFTER LUNCH.
- OKAY, SURE. WELL, THANK YOU.
AND THE FRONTIER GIRLS THANK YOU.
- YEAH, HE'S GONNA BE BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS NOW,
YOU JERK.
- SEE? THAT'S HOW WE DO IT.
NOW, WE'LL USE THIS BOX HERE.
WE'LL PUT MONEY IN THIS BOX.
WE'LL PUT THAT RIGHT HERE.
WE'LL GET EVERYTHING SET.
OH. HELLO.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I'M WATCHING MY DAUGHTER SELL COOKIES.
- BUT THIS IS MY SPOT.
- IS THAT SO?
- I THINK YOU KNOW THAT.
- I THINK YOU KNOW WHERE MY PARENTS LIVE.
- MOLLY, WHY DON'T YOU GO INSIDE FOR A FEW MINUTES
AND GET SOME ICE CREAM?
- YEAH, ALLY, WHY DON'T YOU GO WITH MOLLY
AND GET SOME ICE CREAM?
HER MOM'S TREATING.
- THANKS, DAD. - THANKS, MOM.
COME ON!
- I HAD YOU PEGGED THE MINUTE YOU WALKED IN THE DOOR.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE PART OF THE FRONTIER ORGANIZATION,
THERE'S ONE THING YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND.
- WHAT'S THAT? "ABC": "ALWAYS BE CRANKY"?
- LOOK, I WANT YOU TO GET OUT OF HERE.
- WHY? THIS IS A GREAT SPOT. I'M SELLING TONS OF COOKIES.
- IN OUR ORGANIZATION,
THERE ARE SOME RULES THAT EVERYONE MUST FOLLOW.
- YEAH. YOUR RULES.
- THAT'S RIGHT. READ THE SASH.
- LISTEN, LADY.
WHEN YOU CAME OUT TO MY STREET AND SOLD TO MY FAMILY,
YOU CROSSED A LINE.
- YOUR FAMILY HAPPENS TO LIVE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD,
SO, YEAH, I SOLD TO THEM.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I ENJOYED IT.
- YOU ARE DESPICABLE!
- THEY WERE GOOD CUSTOMERS.
PEANUT CLOUDS,
CINNAMON SWIRLS...
- ALL RIGHT!
- DING-A-LONGS, CHOCOLATE WAVES...
- STOP IT. - THEY WERE LOVING IT.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES,
ESPECIALLY THE GIANT AND THE BALD ONE.
- YEAH, WELL, YOU DIDN'T EVEN SCRATCH THE SURFACE, OKAY?
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THOSE TWO ARE CAPABLE OF PUTTING AWAY.
- ARE YOU GONNA MOVE?
- I DON'T THINK SO, PEGGY.
- LAST CHANCE.
- I'M RIGHT HERE.
[grunting]
- ALL RIGHT.
ARE YOU GONNA GET OFF MY SPOT?
- NEVER!
- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I GOT IT UNDER CONTROL, DEB.
- HE TOOK MY SPOT.
- I DON'T CARE WHAT HE DID.
NOBODY...
BEATS UP MY HUSBAND.
- SHE DIDN'T BEAT ME UP!
- YOU GOT A PROBLEM, YOU TAKE IT UP WITH ME.
- I CAN HANDLE THIS, DEB.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK, PEGGY?
YOU ARE A BULLY.
I DON'T LIKE BULLIES.
YOU COME NEAR MY HUSBAND AGAIN,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A REAL PROBLEM.
- HI, MOMMY. - HI, MOMMY.
- HI, KIDS! HOW YOU DOING?
HOW'S THAT ICE CREAM, HUH?
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- UH, DADDY TRIPPED.
- AND I WAS HELPING HIM UP.
- WELL, IT WAS GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, PEG.
- GOOD TO SEE YOU, DEB.
SO, MOL, LET'S GO SET UP IN FRONT OF THE LAUNDROMAT.
- YOU KNOW WHAT'S A GOOD SPOT? PEETIE'S!
SEE? NO PROBLEM WITH WOMEN.
YOU THOUGHT I HAD A PROBLEM, BUT YOU SAID SHE'S A BULLY.
- CLEAN THIS UP. - YES, MA'AM.
[smooth Hawaiian music]