[murmuring on TV]
- WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
- YOU.
- OH.
HEY, RAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
HOW ABOUT TOMORROW, HMM?
- HOW ABOUT WE START TODAY AND GO TILL TOMORROW?
- W-- [laughs]
WELL, WE'D HAVE TO START
AT 11:59, THEN.
NO, HONEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT? REALLY.
DEFINITELY TOMORROW, OKAY?
THE KIDS WILL BE ON THEIR PLAYDATE.
WE'LL BE ALL ALONE.
HMM?
- INTERESTING.
DURING THE DAYTIME, YOU'RE SAYING.
- I AM.
- WELL, YOU SOUND VERY SINCERE,
SO I GUESS YOU'LL HAVE NO TROUBLE SIGNING THIS.
- "I AGREE TO HAVE DAYTIME SEX WITH RAY BARONE
"TOMORROW, MAY 23RD,
OF THIS YEAR."
OKAY.
CAN I GO TO SLEEP NOW?
- YES, YOU MAY.
BUT...
IN CASE YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS
OF RIPPING THIS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT...
I WIN EITHER WAY.
- HEY.
- HEY, FRANK. HOW ARE YOU?
- HERE.
- WHAT'S THIS? - I DON'T KNOW.
SOME PORCELAIN THING YOU GAVE US
FOR OUR 30TH ANNIVERSARY OR SOME OTHER TERRIBLE OCCASION.
- WHY ARE YOU GIVING IT BACK TO ME?
- MARIE SAYS SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT,
AND SHE NEVER DID.
- SO SHE SENT YOU OVER HERE WITH THIS?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M MARIE'S STINKIN' MESSENGER SERVICE
SINCE YOU TWO STOPPED TALKING TO EACH OTHER.
- OKAY, FRANK. ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
- YOU KNOW WHO SHE DOES TALK TO?
- HMM? - ME. NONSTOP.
SO DO ME A FAVOR.
IF YOU'RE UPSET,
PLEASE, SHOOT THE MESSENGER.
[shattering]
- HELLO.
WELL...
JUST DROPPED THE KIDS OFF AT THEIR PLAYDATE,
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR MINE.
- OKAY. NOT NOW, RAY.
- OH, I BEG TO DIFFER.
- RAY!
- I HAD A FEELING YOU MIGHT CHANGE YOUR MIND,
AND THAT'S WHY, IF YOU REMEMBER,
I HAD YOU SIGN A CERTAIN DOCUMENT.
- DO YOU KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
- I MUST TELL YOU, I DO NOT CARE.
YOUR SIGNATURE.
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
YOU CAN'T TELL I'M UPSET?
AFTER HOW MANY YEARS,
YOU CAN'T TELL I'M NOT IN THE MOOD RIGHT NOW?
- ALL RIGHT, NOW I'M STARTING TO GET IT.
- I'M SORRY, RAY.
I-I KNOW WE HAD A DEAL.
IT'S JUST THAT THIS THING WITH YOUR MOTHER...
SHE JUST SENT OVER--
YOU KNOW, I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT RIGHT NOW.
[sighs]
- ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU JUST HAD A THING.
YOU KNOW I'M NOT GOOD AT READING YOUR SIGNALS.
- YEAH.
- WAS I ALWAYS THIS BAD?
- YEAH.
- NO, YOU PICK THE MOVIE, DEB.
I ALWAYS LIKE WHAT YOU PICK.
OH, WELL, THAT ONE.
I ONLY FELL ASLEEP IN THAT ONE
BECAUSE IT WAS SO...
WARM AND COZY SITTING NEXT TO YOU.
- RAYMOND, YOUR FRIENDS ARE HERE.
- HEY, RAY. - HEY, YOU READY TO GO?
- GUYS, I'M ON THE PHONE, ALL RIGHT?
JUST GIVE ME A SECOND. - NO PROBLEM.
- ALL RIGHT, DEB, I BETTER--
- OH, IT'S DEBRA?
- MOM. - HELLO, DEBRA.
HI. HOW ARE YOU?
OH, GOOD. NO, I'M FINE, YEAH.
I'M JUST DOING A LOAD OF RAYMOND'S DIRTY UNDERWEAR.
- MOM, WHAT ARE YOU--
- LISTEN, WHERE DID YOU BUY THAT BLOUSE?
YOU REMEMBER?
- HEY, IS YOUR MOTHER GONNA WASH THESE
OR SEND 'EM TO THE LAB?
- OH, YES!
OH, THANKS, DARLING.
HERE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND.
- HEY, SORRY ABOUT THAT.
OH, YEAH, YEAH, SHE IS GREAT, YEAH.
- THE GAME.
- OKAY, LISTEN.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, COME ON. I'M COMING.
- YOU KNOW WE GOT A POKER GAME TOMORROW NIGHT.
- OH, YEAH.
WELL, YOU HEARD ME. I CAN'T GO.
DEBRA WANTS TO RENT A MOVIE.
AND, OH-- WHERE DO I BUY CANDLES?
SHE WANTS A CANDLE FOR, LIKE, DINNER.
- CANDLELIGHT DINNER AND A MOVIE?
FORGET THE CARD GAME.
OUR LITTLE RAYMOND'S HAVING SEX.
- NO.
NO, NO, YOU GUYS.
YOU KNOW WE HAVEN'T--YOU KNOW.
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO RUSH THE PHYSICAL PART,
AND, YOU KNOW, WHATEVER.
- HEY, SHE WANTS A CANDLE?
IT'S EITHER SEX, OR YOU SMELL.
- ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GET TO WORK.
WHICH ONE OF YOU BOZOS PARKED BEHIND ME?
- HEY, ROBERT, LISTEN. WE'RE TAKING ODDS.
YOU THINK DEBRA'S GONNA HAVE SEX WITH RAY TOMORROW NIGHT?
- HMM, I DON'T KNOW.
HAS THE PRESIDENT DECLARED RAY THE LAST MAN ON EARTH?
[laughs]
- THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE, ALL RIGHT?
IF THE PRESIDENT WAS AROUND TO DECLARE IT,
THEN HOW AM I THE LAST MAN, STUPID?
- WELL, PRESIDENT OR NO PRESIDENT,
THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE EVER HAVING SEX WITH THAT DEBRA.
- LOOK, RAY, IT'S SIMPLE.
WHEN YOU GET OVER THERE TOMORROW, LOOK FOR SIGNS.
SEE IF SHE SHAVES HER LEGS, AND YOU'RE IN.
- NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO?
ASK HER IF SHE LIKES MADONNA.
NOW, I ALWAYS ASK THAT, 'CAUSE IF SHE DOES,
THAT MEANS SHE'S GOT A LITTLE BIT OF A WILD SIDE.
- OH, STOP.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A WILD SIDE?
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
- HEY, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU HERE.
- YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING, MAN.
- CHECK HER EGGS, MAN.
CHECK HER EGGS!
- WHAT?
- YOU CHECK HER REFRIGERATOR
TO SEE IF SHE HAS ENOUGH EGGS
TO MAKE BOTH OF YOU BREAKFAST IN THE MORNING.
- OH, REALLY? YEAH?
YOU KNOW, MOM HAS TWO DOZEN EGGS
IN THE FRIDGE RIGHT NOW.
[all groaning]
- DEAR GOD. - WHY DO YOU DO THAT?
- I'M JUST SAYING.
I'M JUST SAYING.
WHEN DEBRA'S READY, SHE'LL LET ME KNOW.
- YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU SIT BY THE MAILBOX
AND WAIT FOR THAT LETTER?
- YEAH, WE'LL SWING BY ONCE A YEAR
TO CUT YOUR BEARD.
[laughter]
[doorbell rings]
- HEY! - HI!
- HMM. [sniffs]
WHAT IS THAT, COLOGNE?
- UH, NO.
THAT'S, UH--
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH HOW I SMELL.
- COME ON IN.
SO, LISTEN, I JUST ORDERED THE CHINESE FOOD,
AND IT'S GONNA BE A WHILE,
SO DO YOU WANT TO WATCH THE MOVIE NOW?
- ALL RIGHT, YEAH. I GOT SOME WINE.
LET ME PUT IT IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
- OKAY.
LISTEN. I RENTED "OUT OF AFRICA."
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
IT'S KIND OF A GIRLY FILM.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M KIND OF A GIRLY GUY.
- YEAH.
- OH.
- WHAT?
- UH, NO, IT'S NOTHING.
I JUST NOTICED THAT, UH...
YOU'RE--YOU'RE ALMOST OUT OF EGGS.
- I USE THAT EGG SUBSTITUTE.
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED IT? IT'S REALLY GREAT.
I JUST BOUGHT THREE CARTONS.
- OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH.
YEAH, I'D LIKE TO TRY THAT, YEAH.
HEY, UH...
I GOT A CANDLE.
WHY DON'T WE LIGHT IT?
- OKAY. - YEAH.
IT'S CALLED "MORNING MIST,"
BUT THE LADY SAID YOU COULD LIGHT IT AT NIGHT.
[delicate instrumental music]
SO HERE WE ARE. - [laughs]
- OH, SMOOTH.
- THANK YOU.
- WHO IS THAT, MERYL STREEP?
- UH-HUH.
- SHE REMINDS ME OF MADONNA.
- REALLY? I DON'T SEE THAT.
- YOU, UH...
YOU LIKE MADONNA?
- YEAH, SHE'S OKAY.
[doorbell rings]
OH, WELL, THERE'S THE CHINESE FOOD.
- DAMN IT. - [laughs]
- ARE YOU COMING BACK?
- I THINK SO. [laughs]
- HELLO.
- MA!
- HI, MARIE.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- HELLO, RAYMOND.
I WAS BAKING LASAGNA, AND I HAD SO MUCH EXTRA
I THOUGHT I'D BRING IT OVER TO YOU TWO.
- OH, ALL THE WAY FROM LONG ISLAND.
THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU.
- YEAH, MA, WE GOT CHINESE FOOD COMING.
- OH, THAT'S NOT FOOD.
- NO, MARIE, I REALLY LOVE YOUR LASAGNA.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T COOK A LOT,
BUT YOU'RE REALLY STARTING TO INSPIRE ME.
- I BET YOU'RE A NATURAL. - OH.
[doorbell rings]
- OH, YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE FOOD, MA,
SO YOU PROBABLY SHOULD SKEDADDLE.
- LET'S EAT!
- DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I FOUND A BROKEN METER.
WE'VE GOT ALL NIGHT.
WHERE'S THE LASAGNA?
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WASN'T REALLY EXPECTING
ALL THIS COMPANY.
- SHE'S RIGHT. GET OUT.
- NO, NO, RAY, BUT I THINK
I HAVE A FOLDING TABLE IN THE BACK,
SO I'LL JUST GET IT.
- GREAT! I'LL PUT ON THE YANKEES.
- NO, NO, LISTEN, YOU GUYS.
YOU BOTH GOT TO GO HOME, OKAY?
DEBRA AND I--WE'RE HERE.
WE'RE TRYING TO WATCH A MOVIE.
- YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, YOUNG MAN.
- WHAT?
- YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW
WHAT'S GONNA TAKE PLACE HERE TONIGHT?
YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU AND DEBRA ARE PLANNING
FOR TONIGHT, RAYMOND.
- WHAT?
HOW DO YOU KNOW... ANYTHING?
- BELIEVE ME. I WOULD RATHER NOT KNOW.
BUT WHEN YOU TALK IN YOUR ROOM,
IT CARRIES THROUGH THE WHOLE HOUSE.
- ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR MOTHER STANDS ON THE DRESSER
SO SHE CAN LISTEN THROUGH THE VENT.
- OH, MY GOD! MOM!
YOU TWO HAVE TO LEAVE, OKAY?
DEBRA AND I WOULD LIKE TO BE ALONE.
- OH, HELLO, RAYMOND.
- HELLO, RAYMOND.
- OH, FATHER HUBLEY, COME IN.
- THANKS FOR THE RIDE, ROBERT.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS LASAGNA ALL DAY.
- HI.
- OH, DEBRA, THIS IS OUR FAMILY PRIEST,
FATHER HUBLEY.
AND IF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU,
HE'S GONNA JOIN US FOR DINNER.
- HELLO.
- WHY DON'T WE ALL SIT DOWN
AND GET TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER?
COME ON, SWEETIE. - OKAY.
- YES, COME ON, SWEETIE.
OH, IT'S GONNA BE FUN.
- OH, FATHER, PLEASE SIT.
- PLEASE, FATHER.
- FATHER HUBLEY,
DID YOU KNOW THAT DEBRA AND RAYMOND
HAVE BEEN DATING FOR A FEW MONTHS NOW?
- MA, YOU KNOW SOMETHING-- MAYBE THIS IS A BAD TIME,
'CAUSE I DON'T THINK WE HAVE ENOUGH LASAGNA HERE.
- HEY, RAY'S RIGHT.
WE MAY BE IN TROUBLE HERE,
BECAUSE WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, FATHER,
I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO THAT CHEESECAKE
AT THE CHURCH BAKE SALE.
- FATHER HUBLEY,
I'D LIKE YOUR OPINION ON THE COMMANDMENTS.
DO YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW ALL,
OR CAN YOU JUST PICK AND CHOOSE?
[both whispering]
- RAY! WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S THE MATTER.
MY MOTHER IS TRYING TO PREVENT YOU AND ME FROM HAVING--
CHINESE FOOD!
- OH, YOU GOT CHINESE COMING.
WE'RE GOOD, FATHER.
- OH, FRANK, WOULD YOU STOP THINKING ABOUT FOOD
FOR A SECOND?
YOUR SON'S MORAL HEALTH IS IN JEOPARDY.
- WHAT?
- OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, MARIE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST FIT HER FOR A CHASTITY BELT
AND BE DONE WITH IT?
- OH, MY GOD.
IS--IS THAT WHY YOU'RE ALL HERE?
BECAUSE OF SEX?
- I WAS ONLY TOLD ABOUT THE LASAGNA.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- WELL, IF I MAY, DEBRA,
THE WORST THING FOR A RELATIONSHIP
IS TO GIVE IN TO ONE'S DESIRES.
NOW, I KNOW IN THIS CASE, IT MAY BE DIFFICULT
BECAUSE RAYMOND IS SUCH A CUTE BOY...
- OH, MY GOD.
- BUT WHEN I HEARD HIM TALKING TO HIS FRIENDS
ABOUT BUYING CANDLES AND COUNTING YOUR EGGS,
I KNEW IT WAS TIME TO CALL FATHER HUBLEY.
- WHAT?
WAIT A MINUTE!
IS THERE EVEN A LASAGNA HERE?
- WELL,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE HEARD, MARIE,
BUT NO ONE IS COMING NEAR MY EGGS.
- TOUGH BREAK, RAYMOND.
- BELIEVE ME, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE NOT HAVING SEX.
- WELL, THEN, I GUESS WE CAN EAT.
- MARIE,
IF I MAY,
I'D BE HAPPY TO DISCUSS ALL THESE MATTERS,
BUT I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE TIME OR THE PLACE.
- YES, AND I MUST SAY THAT I AM APPALLED
AT THE TURN THIS EVENING HAS TAKEN.
- I THINK WE SHOULD ALL GO.
- WELL, WE HAVEN'T EATEN YET.
- WHEN I SAY "WE," I'M INCLUDING THE LASAGNA.
LOVELY MEETING YOU, DEBRA.
AND LET ME TELL YOU,
AS SOMEONE WHO HAS KNOWN THE BARONE FAMILY A LONG TIME,
THIS ACTUALLY WENT QUITE WELL.
IS THERE MEAT IN THAT? - OH, YEAH.
- GOOD. LET'S GO.
- [chuckles]
ENJOY THE MOVIE.
OH, AND, RAYMOND,
THAT COLOGNE SMELLS BETTER ON YOU
THAN IT DOES ON YOUR FATHER.
- DEB, YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ME.
I DIDN'T TELL MY FRIENDS ANYTHING.
- ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WAIT! MARIE!
MARIE.
IF YOU FELT SO STRONGLY ABOUT THIS,
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST COME TALK TO ME?
I MEAN, I FEEL LIKE THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON.
DO YOU NOT LIKE ME OR SOMETHING?
- OH, NO.
IT'S NOT THAT AT ALL.
OH, DEBRA.
I SEE THE WAY RAYMOND ACTS AROUND YOU
AND HOW HE LOOKS AT YOU
AND HOW HE TALKS ABOUT YOU TO EVERYBODY.
HE HAS NEVER BEEN THIS WAY WITH ANYONE.
SO I JUST THOUGHT THAT YOU TWO SHOULD WAIT
UNTIL AFTER YOU'RE...
YOU KNOW.
- OH.
- THAT'S WHY I CAME OVER.
- OH, WELL...
YEAH, THAT'S OKAY, MARIE.
I JUST HOPE THAT WE CAN ALWAYS TALK LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW, INSTEAD OF BRINGING OVER LASAGNA
AND A PRIEST.
- OF COURSE.
I LOVE TALKING TO YOU.
AND, DEBRA, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW,
IT'S REALLY NOT LIKE ME TO MEDDLE IN MY SON'S LIFE.
- LISTEN. LET ME EXPLAIN.
YOU REMEMBER BERNIE AND JOHNNY?
REMEMBER HOW STUPID THEY ARE?
THEY--THEY CAME OVER.
THEY WERE GRABBING MY UNDERWEAR,
THEY'RE TELLING ME, "CHECK HER EGGS!
CHECK HER EGGS!"
HUH?
- COME WITH ME.
- WAIT, BUT--BUT-- - WHAT?
- I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT WE WEREN'T--
- WHAT CAN I SAY?
YOUR MOTHER WAS RIGHT.
YOU'RE A VERY CUTE BOY.
- SO YOU ENDED UP SLEEPING WITH ME THAT NIGHT
BECAUSE OF WHAT MY MOTHER SAID?
- I GUESS SO.
- BACK TO THERAPY.
- ENDED UP BEING A PRETTY GOOD NIGHT,
THOUGH, DIDN'T IT?
- GREAT NIGHT. - MM-HMM.
- YOU KNOW WHAT IT PUTS ME IN THE MOOD FOR?
- CHINESE FOOD?
- COME ON. LET'S GO.
- YOU KNOW, WAIT.
- WHAT? WAIT, WHAT?
- I JUST...
I-I WANT TO DO SOMETHING FIRST.
YOU GO AHEAD UPSTAIRS.
- WELL, BUT HURRY, THOUGH, YOU KNOW?
YOU GOT TO BE HERE FOR SOME OF IT.
- FRANK,
USE YOUR NAPKIN AND SIT UP.
- HI, FRANK. HI, ROBERT.
- HEY. - HI.
- HI, MARIE.
- ARE THEY TALKING?
- PLEASE, GOD.
- MARIE.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT NIGHT
THAT YOU CAME OVER TO MY APARTMENT
AND TRIED TO STOP RAY AND ME FROM...
YOU REMEMBER THAT NIGHT?
YOU REMEMBER IN THE HALLWAY,
HOW WE TALKED THINGS OUT?
HOW THAT FELT?
AND LOOK AT US NOW.
I MEAN, WHAT ARE WE DOING?
THIS WHOLE THING HAS BEEN SO SILLY.
- WHY WOULD YOU SAY "TRIED" TO STOP YOU?
- WHAT?
- YOU SAID WE "TRIED" TO STOP YOU AND RAYMOND.
WHY WOULD YOU SAY "TRIED"?
- WELL, I MEAN--
- WAIT A MINUTE.
DID YOU HAVE RELATIONS WITH RAYMOND THAT NIGHT?
- MARIE, THAT IS NOT THE POINT.
- YOU LIED TO ME
AND IN FRONT OF A PRIEST.
- OH, BOY.
- MARIE, WHAT YOU TOLD ME IN THAT HALLWAY
MADE ME REALIZE HOW RAY REALLY FELT.
- SO NOW YOU'RE BLAMING ME FOR YOUR PREMARITAL SEX?
- LISTEN, I CAME OVER HERE TO--TO--TO TRY--
MARIE, ARE YOU KIDDING?
- THERE'S A LITTLE SAUCE LEFT.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?
- NO SAUCE.
TALK!
FOR GOD'S SAKE, TALK TO HER!
- WOULD YOU LIKE SOME, ROBERT?
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL HAVE A LITTLE BIT.
- YOU TAKE THAT SAUCE,
AND I'LL KILL YOU.
NO ONE'S HAVING YOUR SAUCE UNTIL YOU TALK TO HER!
- WELL, MARIE,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING
COMING OVER HERE,
BECAUSE THIS PAST MONTH OF YOU NOT TALKING TO ME
HAS BEEN THE BEST MONTH OF MY LIFE!
- ROBERT, SHOOT MY EARS OFF.
[door slams]
- OH, MRS. BARONE!
THE DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU NOW!
- I WILL NEVER TALK TO THAT WOMAN AGAIN!
I'M GOING FOR A DRIVE!
[door slams]
- NO, WE HAVE A CONTRACT!
I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT!