[kids blowing bubbles]
- COME ON, GUYS.
WE'RE NOT SNORKELING, WE'RE EATING, OKAY?
STOP. STOP. STOP. NO, DON'T PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD.
OH, GOOD. GET IN THERE.
ALLY NEEDS HELP WITH HER HOMEWORK.
HEY! HEY! GET BACK IN HERE!
RAY, COME ON.
IT'S EITHER HELP ALLY OR GIVE THE TWINS THEIR BATH.
- ALL RIGHT.
COME HERE, GUYS, LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
WHAT, DID YOU STRIKE OIL?
- I'LL DO ALLY.
HEY, POPEYE.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE DOIN' PRETTY GOOD HERE.
YOU DON'T NEED MY HELP, DO YOU?
- YES, I DO.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT. DON'T WORRY.
DADDY'S HERE TO HELP YOU.
[turns TV on]
MOMMY SAYS NO TV DURING HOMEWORK.
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT MOMMY.
- TURN IT OFF, RAY.
[turns TV off]
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE. WHAT DO YOU GOT?
- I HAVE TO ANSWER ALL THESE QUESTIONS ABOUT ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
- OKAY.
- I HAVE TO DO THESE THREE WORKSHEETS ON FRACTIONS.
- ALL RIGHT.
AND I HAVE TO MAKE A DIORAMA OF A MARINE ECOSYSTEM.
- BATHS. I'LL DO THE BATHS. I'M GONNA DO THE BATHS.
- TOO LATE.
- I'M TURNIN' THE TV ON. - RAY--
- I'M NOT!
- [singing] JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY, CRAZY
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY, CRAZY
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY, CRAZY
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY
- [sighs]
- HI.
RAY! HEY!
WHAT? COME ON!
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
- SORRY TO DISTURB YOU, YOUR HIGHNESS.
BUT WHILE YOU WERE UP HERE READING
YOUR LATEST KISS-HANDSOME-BOYS BOOK
AND RUBBING LOTION ON YOUR BUNIONS...
THE PEASANTS WERE DOWNSTAIRS
TRYIN' TO BUILD AN OCEAN IN A SHOEBOX.
- ARE YOU COMPLAINING?
- AM I COMPLAINING?
I JUST DID HOMEWORK FOR TWO HOURS.
- WELL, THEN I GUESS THAT MAKES THE SCORE 3 MILLION TO TWO.
- WHAT, ARE YOU KEEPIN' TRACK NOW?
THAT IS SO PETTY.
- LOOK, RAY, THEY TOLD US THAT ALLY WAS GONNA GET
A LOT MORE HOMEWORK IN THE 5TH GRADE.
I'M GONNA NEED MORE HELP FROM YOU NOW.
- [groans] ARE YOU KIDDING?
COME ON, I WAS DOWN THERE ALL NIGHT!
- WELL, THIS IS WHAT WE DO.
IT'S CALLED "BEING A PARENT."
- WELL, MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE CALLED THAT.
IT'S JUST--
IT'S JUST SHE HAS TOO MUCH HOMEWORK.
DID YOU SEE HOW MANY BOOKS SHE HAS TO CARRY?
SHE'S GONNA BE A HUNCHBACK.
- YOU KNOW, YOUR CONCERN FOR ALLY IS TRULY HEARTWARMING,
BUT THIS WHAT MISS PURCELL GIVES THEM.
- MISS PURCELL, YEAH.
I KNOW THE TYPE.
"MY LIFE IS MISERABLE, CHILDREN, SO GUESS WHAT--
I'M TAKIN' YOU DOWN WITH ME!"
- YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS WOMAN,
THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO HER.
- MAYBE I WILL. MAYBE I WILL DO EXACTLY THAT.
- GOOD. TUESDAY IS OPEN SCHOOL NIGHT.
- WHAT?
- THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO GIVE MISS PURCELL
A PIECE OF THAT HUGE MIND YOU'VE GOT THERE.
- MISS PURCELL.
MISS PUR-SMELL.
- AND YOU CAN SEE THAT THE CHILDREN
HAD A WONDERFUL TIME WITH OUR SCIENCE PROJECT.
THESE ARE THE OCEAN BOTTOM ENVIRONMENTS THEY CREATED.
all: OOH.
- LOOK, LOOK, RAY, THERE'S ALLY'S, SEE?
- GREAT, I BUST MY HUMP. SHE PUTS MINE IN THE BACK.
- YOU CAN ALL KEEP LOOKING AROUND.
LET ME KNOW IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS.
- OKAY, RAY, HERE'S YOUR CHANCE. GO AHEAD.
- WHAT? FOR WHAT? - TO TALK TO THE TEACHER.
- WHY DON'T YOU?
- YOU KNOW, I'M CONFUSED, RAY.
I THOUGHT YOU HAD A BIG, IMPORTANT COMPLAINT TO MAKE
BECAUSE YOU CARED SO MUCH ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER'S EDUCATION.
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- OH, YEAH. NO. SHE LOVES WHEN I DO MY RABBIT--
- I WANTED TO LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT OUR NEXT CLASS PROJECT
IS GOING TO BE A LARGE 3-DIMENSIONAL MURAL.
WE'LL ASSEMBLE IT IN EARLY DECEMBER
SO THAT EACH CHILD CAN WORK ON THEIR SECTION
OVER THE THANKSGIVING BREAK.
- OH, MY GOD. THANKSGIVING.
IT'S LIKE SHE HATES AMERICA.
- DID YOU GET STUCK MAKING THAT OCEAN CRAP TOO?
- YEAH. YUP.
- THIS ONE'S MINE.
- THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
WHAT'D YOU USE FOR SHRIMP?
- SHRIMP.
- TOMORROW THAT'S NOT GONNA BE TOO PLEASANT.
- A LITTLE TIME BOMB FOR MISS PURCELL.
- HEY, DON'T YOU THINK THE KIDS JUST GET TOO MUCH HOMEWORK?
- [scoffs] YOU ARE SO RIGHT!
LINDA'S BEEN UP PAST 10:00 EVERY NIGHT.
- IT'S OUT OF CONTROL.
WE NEVER USED TO GET THIS MUCH HOMEWORK.
- YOU SEE, DEBRA? IT'S NOT JUST ME!
TALK TO MY WIFE.
- I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME.
BILLY'S BEEN SO SWAMPED I HAD TO CANCEL CELLO AND LATIN.
- THAT'S TERRIBLE. THOSE ARE GOOD THINGS!
- DOES MISS PURCELL EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING TO US?
- YOU KNOW, I THINK MAYBE
SOMEBODY SHOULD DEFINITELY SPEAK UP, DON'T YOU THINK?
[all talking over each other]
- ...DON'T TELL ANYTHING BAD. [gulps]
- IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
- GO AHEAD, RAY.
- NO, NO, NO. IT'S NOTHING.
IT'S JUST SOME OF THE PEOPLE WERE THINKING
THAT MAYBE THERE'S A LITTLE TOO MUCH HOMEWORK
YOU KNOW, FOR THE KIDS--
EVERYBODY'S KIDS...
MAYBE.
- WELL, IT'S WHAT THE DISTRICT THINKS IS NECESSARY
FOR THE CHILDREN TO KEEP PACE WITH THE CURRICULUM.
- OH, CURRICULUM. CURRICULUM.
- YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A MEETING MONDAY
WITH THE CURRICULUM REVIEW BOARD,
AND THEY ALWAYS WELCOME INPUT FROM PARENTS.
- OKAY, WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
YEAH. [shrieks]
- YOU KNOW WHAT,
I THINK RAY WOULD BE A PERFECT SPOKESMAN FOR US.
- HEY, I SECOND THAT! - YES!
- NO, NO! NO, NO.
A SPOKESMAN--A SPOKESMAN SHOULD BE A GUY
WHO'S NOT AFRAID OF PUBLIC SPEAKING.
I'M--I'M WETTING MYSELF NOW.
- I THINK YOU'RE BEING TOO HARD ON YOURSELF.
- WAY TOO HARD. - OH, YES.
- WE COULD REALLY USE YOU.
IF WE'RE GOING TO REDUCE THE 5TH GRADE WORKLOAD,
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TELL THEM WHAT TO CUT.
- YOU KEEP SAYING "WE." I'M QUITE A BUSY FELLOW.
- WELL, YOU HAVE ALMOST A WEEK.
WE JUST NEED YOU TO READ THROUGH
THE CURRENT CURRICULUM AND FIGURE OUT
WHERE YOU FEEL IT'S REDUNDANT.
I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW VALUABLE YOUR INPUT IS GOING TO BE.
- YEAH, BUT, YOU SEE, I'M NOT A TEACHER; I'M NOT--
- WHEN THE TEACHERS BRING THIS UP,
THE BOARD JUST THINKS WE'RE TRYING TO GET OUT OF WORK.
BUT THEY KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE WHEN IT COMES FROM A PARENT.
[electronic chirping]
- COME ON.
YOU GOT A BETTER CONTROL.
OH--HEY! HEY! YOU BLEW ME UP!
WE'RE ON THE SAME SIDE. I'M NOT A ZOMBIE!
- NOBODY BELIEVES YOU, MAN.
- THAT'S HOW YOU'RE GONNA PLAY? - YES, IT IS.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN, WE'RE GONNA PLAY.
- COME ON! COME ON!
TRY AND GET ME, YOU BIG LOAD!
YOU CAN'T DO IT!
YOU CAN'T DO IT, SUCKER!
- YOU ARE SO LUCKY.
- RAY, DID YOU FINISH GOING THROUGH
ALL THIS CURRICULUM STUFF?
- YEAH. YEAH, I DID.
- THOSE BOOKS HAVEN'T MOVED SINCE YOU BROUGHT THEM HOME.
- I'M GONNA GET 'EM, DEBRA,
IT'S JUST RIGHT NOW I'M ENTERTAINING A GUEST.
A-HA!
- THE REVIEW BOARD IS TOMORROW MORNING.
YOU HAVE WASTED THE ENTIRE WEEKEND.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, DEBRA, I'M SORRY.
- HEY, COME ON.
- CUBBY, YOU CAN'T PLAY VIDEO GAMES
IF YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED YOUR HOMEWORK.
- I'M GONNA GET TO IT. - WHEN?
- YOU KNOW, RAYMOND, EVERY DAY AT THE END OF MY SHIFT,
I HAVE A MOUNTAIN OF PAPERWORK, AND YOU KNOW WHEN I DO IT?
- WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE OUT BUYING NOSE HAIR CLIPPERS?
- I DO IT RIGHT AWAY,
BECAUSE THERE IS NO WORSE FEELING
THAN WHEN YOU'VE PUT SOMETHING OFF TO THE LAST SECOND,
AND IT'S GETTING DARK,
AND THE CLOCK IS TICKING,
AND YOU REALIZE YOU'RE NEVER GONNA MAKE IT.
- GO. GET OUT OF HERE.
- [clicking tongue]
- GET OUT OF HERE!
- ALL RIGHT. VERY WELL.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- BUT JUST SO YOU WON'T BE DISTRACTED,
I'M GONNA TAKE THIS LITTLE ITEM WITH ME.
- IT'S NOT YOURS!
- THIS WAY, YOU CAN GET ALL YOUR WORK DONE.
AND BY TOMORROW MORNING,
I SHALL BE THE GREATEST ZOMBIE HUNTER
OF ALL TIME.
THAT'S RIGHT.
[mouthing words]
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET STARTED.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M JUST GONNA TELL 'EM
TO CUT EVERYTHING IN HALF ' CAUSE IT'S TOO MUCH.
- YOU CAN'T JUST TELL 'EM TO CUT THINGS.
YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM REASONS.
YOU HAVE TO FILL OUT ALL THOSE EVALUATION FORMS.
- NO WAY!
YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.
- LISTEN, I HAVE DONE FOUR LOADS OF LAUNDRY,
PAID ALL THE BILLS, PUT THREE KIDS TO BED.
I HAVE DONE MY JOB. YOU DO YOURS.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M GONNA GO TO SLEEP.
GOOD NIGHT.
- JUST SO YOU KNOW, YOU COULD HAVE HAD SEX TONIGHT.
IT WAS GONNA BE GOOD. ALL NEW STUFF.
[groans]
WHAT THE HELL?
[sighs]
- SURE, I CAN HELP YOU WITH THIS, RAYMOND.
IT DOESN'T SEEM ALL THAT DIFFICULT.
- I KNOW.
IT'S JUST I DIDN'T THINK THERE WOULD BE SO MUCH, YOU KNOW?
AND IT'S ALREADY 10:30,
AND OF COURSE, DEBRA NEVER WANTS TO HELP ME.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S WHAT MOTHERS ARE FOR.
BUT MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU'LL BE A LITTLE MORE RESPONSIBLE
AND DO THINGS ON TIME
SO I COULD BE PROUD OF YOU.
- I'M SORRY. - OKAY.
- WHAT'S GOIN' ON IN THERE?
- WHAT'S THE MATTER, FRANK?
- OH.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE EATING THAT LAST PIECE OF PIE.
- I'M HELPING RAYMOND WITH HIS SCHOOL PROJECT.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN.
I'M GONNA EAT THAT PIE SO I KNOW WHERE IT IS.
- HEY, DAD, LET ME GET A SLIVER OF THAT.
- NICE TRY.
- RAYMOND, PAY ATTENTION.
WHY DON'T WE START WITH LITERATURE
AND READING COMPREHENSION GUIDELINES, OKAY?
"BASED ON THE READINGS OF MARK TWAIN'S 'TOM SAWYER,'
"WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WOULD YOU RECOMMEND
"FOR 5TH GRADE HOMEWORK, AND WHY?
"A) A BOOK REPORT, INCLUDING COVER ART...
- [grunts] - "AND ILLUSTRATIONS;
"B) AN ORAL REPORT USING PERIOD MUSIC AND COSTUMES,
"C) A CRAFT PROJECT BASED ON
"THE PRE-INDUSTRIAL ERA ON THE MISSISSIPPI,
"OR D) A FICTIONAL DIARY ON ONE OF THE CHARACTERS?"
RAYMOND!
- OW!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
- I LIKE PIE.
- RAYMOND, PAY ATTENTION.
I'M GONNA READ YOU THIS AGAIN.
- NO, NOT AGAIN, ALL RIGHT? I HEARD IT ALREADY.
- [chuckles]
- HOW ABOUT WE DON'T MAKE THE KIDS READ "TOM SAWYER"?
- WHAT? IT'S AN AMERICAN CLASSIC.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN. I SAY "A."
- GOOD. WHY?
- "B."
- RAYMOND, DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH ME.
WE NEED TO DO THIS PROPERLY.
NOW, IF YOU'RE GOING TO EXPLAIN "TOM SAWYER,"
WHICH OF THESE WOULD YOU RECOMMEND
TO THE SCHOOL BOARD, AND WHY?
- YOU NEVER READ "TOM SAWYER," DID YOU?
- WELL, YES, I DID.
- WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
- A BOY NAMED TOM SAWYER.
EAT YOUR PIE.
- RAYMOND.
YOU NEVER READ "TOM SAWYER"?
- WELL, ALL RIGHT, I DIDN'T. SO WHAT?
- YOU NEVER READ "TOM SAWYER"?
- AND YOU NEVER READ "LEGENDARY RUNNING BACKS OF THE NFL."
- THAT'S SPORTS.
- THAT'S RIGHT, MA, A SPORTS BOOK.
A SPORTS BOOK!
THAT'S BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I LIKED!
ALL THIS STUFF THEY MAKE YOU DO IN SCHOOL,
THAT'S WHAT THEY THINK IS IMPORTANT.
I DID--I READ WHAT I WANTED TO, AND LOOK AT ME.
I AM SOMEONE WHO DID NOT READ "TOM SAWYER,"
AND YET I DID NOT TURN OUT TO BE A HOBO.
- WELL, I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED.
- ME TOO!
ANY COOKIES?
- OBVIOUSLY YOU JUST DID ENOUGH WORK TO GET BY,
AND NOW YOU'RE PROUD OF IT.
- WELL, YEAH! I AM PROUD OF IT!
ALL THOSE SPORTS BOOKS I READ
AND ALL THE SPORTS I WATCHED ON TV,
THAT'S HOW I GOT TO BE WHERE I'M AT.
- "THAT'S HOW I GOT TO BE WHERE I'M AT"?
- YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
- YOU'RE A WRITER,
AND THAT'S HOW YOU USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE?
- WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
- YOU DO NOT END A SENTENCE WITH "AT."
- ALL RIGHT. BIG DEAL.
I ENDED IT WITH A PROPOSITION.
- PREPOSITION. IT'S A PREP--
OH, MY GOD!
- WHAT? WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU GETTING SO UPSET ABOUT?
- BECAUSE THIS IS THE END OF CIVILIZATION!
PEOPLE LIKE YOU DON'T WANT TO WORK OR LEARN ANYTHING,
BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO BUSY WITH THEIR REMOTE CONTROL TELEVISION
OR PLAYING WITH THEIR HULA-HOOPS!
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, THAT'S WHERE WE'RE AT!
- WHERE ARE THE COOKIES AT?
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK, FORGET ABOUT IT.
MA, I'LL DO IT. RELAX, OKAY? GIVE IT TO ME.
- NO, NO, NO, I'M NOT GIVING YOU THIS.
THIS IS TOO IMPORTANT TO GIVE TO SOMEONE
WITH YOUR KIND OF ATTITUDE ABOUT EDUCATION.
- SO YOU GOT WHAT I WAS SAYIN' THERE--GOOD.
- OH, KNOCK IT OFF, RAY.
YOU GOT YOUR MOMMY DOING YOUR HOMEWORK FOR YOU?
- I HAVE TO, DEBRA.
IT TURNS OUT I RAISED AN ILLITERATE.
- CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING, RAY?
WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR YOU TO GET INVOLVED IN SOMETHING, HM?
I MEAN, THE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH DIDN'T DO IT FOR YOU.
THE CHURCH CARNIVAL WASN'T FOR YOU.
YOU SAID, "THE LORD DOESN'T NEED ME TO SIT IN A DUNKING BOOTH."
AND NOW EVEN YOUR CHILDREN'S EDUCATION ISN'T ENOUGH.
SO I WAS JUST WONDERING,
WHEN WILL SOMETHING BE IMPORTANT ENOUGH
FOR YOU TO TAKE A STAND?
- OW!
- I ALSO THINK WE SHOULD INTRODUCE HISTORIOGRAPHY
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
IT WOULD BE HIGHLY BENEFICIAL TO ALL THE 5TH AND 6TH GRADERS.
THANK YOU. - THANK YOU, MISS SILVER.
NOW, I BELIEVE WE'RE UP TO ONE OF OUR PARENTS,
MR. RAYMOND BARONE.
MR. BARONE?
- [clears throat] HI.
[chuckles]
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT. WOW.
I WAS UP ALL NIGHT GOIN' OVER THE MATERIAL,
AND...
WELL...
I JUST GOT A FEW THINGS TO SAY.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A KID,
I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WE HAD TOO MUCH HOMEWORK.
AND SINCE I HATED ALL THE HOMEWORK,
I STARTED TO HATE LEARNING.
IN FACT, WHAT I LEARNED TO DO MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE
WAS TO AVOID THE WORK.
I'M SORRY TO SAY I STILL TRY TO AVOID IT WHENEVER I CAN.
JUST ASK MY WIFE.
[chuckles]
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS TO ME LIKE THE KIDS TODAY,
THEY'VE GOT TEN TIMES THE HOMEWORK THAT WE HAD.
YOU KNOW, AND I DON'T WANT MY DAUGHTER TO HATE LEARNING.
I WANT HER TO BE CURIOUS AND THOUGHTFUL
AND GET EXCITED ABOUT NEW IDEAS.
AND MOST OF ALL--
AND I THINK THIS IS WHAT WE WANT FOR ALL OUR KIDS--
I WANT HER TO BE HAPPY.
I MEAN, I THINK THERE'S HOMEWORK
THAT'S IMPORTANT AND EVERYTHING,
AND THEN I THINK THERE'S OVERLOAD.
I MEAN, ARE WE PILING IT ON?
YOU KNOW, WE'RE SO WORRIED
ABOUT THE KIDS WON'T BE COMPETITIVE
AND OUR KIDS WON'T HAVE A FUTURE
THAT WE'RE TAKING AWAY THEIR PRESENT.
ANYWAY, SO, YOU KNOW,
MAYBE WE CAN JUST KEEP THAT IN MIND,
'CAUSE ISN'T THAT THE KIND OF SCHOOL
THAT WE WANT OUR CHILDREN TO BE AT?
I MEAN IN.
I MEAN OF. I MEAN A PART OF.
I MEAN, ISN'T THAT--
ISN'T THAT THE KIND OF SCHOOL THAT WE WANT OUR CHILDREN
TO BE A PART OF?
IN.
- AND YOU WANTED TO CUT DOWN ON THE ENGLISH HOMEWORK.
- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
- GRANDMA'S HELPING ME WITH MY HOMEWORK.
- OH. WANT ME TO HELP?
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR.
WE'RE WORKING ON GRAMMAR RIGHT NOW.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN,
I'LL BE SURE AND KEEP THE TV DOWN.
- WAIT A MINUTE, RAYMOND.
YOU HAVE SOME WORK TOO.
- "TOM SAWYER."
- YOU NEED TO READ THAT.
-NO, MOM, I TOLD YOU, I DON'T.
- YES, YOU DO.
I READ "LEGENDARY RUNNING BACKS OF THE NFL."
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- POOR GALE SAYERS.
FIRST TO LOSE A FRIEND LIKE BRIAN PICCOLO,
AND THEN TO HAVE A CAREER CUT SHORT
BECAUSE OF ALL HIS KNEE INJURIES.
GO.
READ.
- YOU PROBABLY JUST READ THE ONE CHAPTER.
- JIM BROWN AVERAGED 5.2 YARDS PER CARRY
FOR HIS ENTIRE CAREER.
- DAMN YOU.