- HEY. READY? - YEAH.
HEY, WHAT'S UP? LET'S GO.
HEY. HI, AMY.
- HEY, RAY. HEY, BE CAREFUL.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'M GOOD NOW.
- DEB ISN'T HOME, IS SHE?
- NO.
- WELL, TELL HER I SAID HI.
HAVE A GOOD TIME TODAY. - ALL RIGHT.
THANKS FOR BRINGING ME BY. SEE YA.
- HOW 'BOUT A KISS? - OH.
DID YOU SEE HOW I PLAYED IT THERE WITH AMY, NICE AND COOL?
SHE DOESN'T SUSPECT A THING.
- LIKE WHAT, THAT YOU'RE A DWARF ON STILTS?
- WHAT THE LOVELY AMY DOES NOT SUSPECT
IS THAT HER BOYFRIEND, ROBERT,
IS ABOUT TO PROPOSE TO HER!
- WHAT?
- YEAH, YEAH, I'M GONNA ASK HER TO MARRY ME.
- YEAH?
- ALL RIGHT, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY.
"ARE YOU SURE, ROBERT?
"YOU DON'T HAVE EXACTLY THE BEST TRACK RECORD.
"PEOPLE WHO DO NOT REMEMBER HISTORY
ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT."
- NO, NO. I WAS GONNA SAY CONGRATULATIONS.
- WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?
- I AM. I'M HAPPY, ROBERT.
I REALLY AM. IT'S--IT'S GREAT.
HA HA! OH, MAN!
WOW. WAIT'LL DEBRA HEARS ABOUT THIS.
- NO!
- WHAT?
- YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING TO ANYBODY.
I DON'T WANT AMY TO GET ANY WIND OF THIS UNTIL I'M READY.
- ALL RIGHT, I WON'T TELL ANYBODY!
GOD.
COME ON. ARE WE HITTING A BUCKET OR WHAT?
- OH, NO DRIVING RANGE TODAY.
THIS WAS ALL JUST TO THROW HER OFF.
I GOT A LOT OF THINGS I GOT TO DO.
SEE YOU LATER.
- WELL, WHAT DO I DO NOW? I'M ALL HORNY FOR GOLF!
- LOOK, HONEY, I FOUND ANOTHER PIECE OF JESUS' BEARD.
- OH, GOOD. PUT THAT IN THE PILE.
I'M STILL WORKING ON THE SANDALS.
[doorbell rings]
- I'LL GET IT.
- I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE AT THIS HOUR.
- HELLO, MR. MACDOUGALL.
- ROBERT?
- IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
MAY I?
- UH...SURE.
AMY'S NOT HERE, YOU KNOW.
- OH, NO, I'M HERE TO SEE YOU.
MRS. MACDOUGALL.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR EVENING.
- HELLO, ROBERT. IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
WHAT BRINGS YOU TO PENNSYLVANIA?
- MY CAR.
[both chuckle]
- WOULD YOU LIKE SOME WARM CIDER?
- OH, NO, NO, THANK YOU.
I DON'T WANT TO TAKE UP TOO MUCH OF YOUR TIME.
ANYWAY...UM...
THE REASON THAT I'M HERE...
[breathing deeply]
I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT AMY,
AND SHE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME.
IN FACT, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
I WANT TO DO THINGS RIGHT.
AND OUT OF RESPECT FOR HER
AND YOU,
I WOULD LIKE TO FORMALLY REQUEST
YOUR DAUGHTER'S HAND IN MARRIAGE.
- NO.
- WHAT?
- NO.
- NO?
- WE DON'T THINK IT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA.
- IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, THOUGH.
YOU PROBABLY HAVE A LONG DRIVE BACK.
I'LL PUT SOME CIDER IN A CUP FOR YOU.
- [stammering]
PLEASE. MAY I ASK--I--WHY?
- WHY?
HE WANTS TO KNOW WHY.
- OH, PETER.
ROBERT, HAVE YOU MET AMY'S BROTHER PETER?
- NO. WE'VE NEVER HAD THE PLEASURE.
I MET HIS BROTHER RAYMOND ONCE.
HE CAME INTO MY COMIC BOOK STORE.
I LIKED HIM.
- OH, IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, PETER.
I'VE HEARD A LOT OF GREAT THINGS ABOUT YOU.
- IS THAT A NEW SHIRT?
- YES, IT IS, MAMA. DO YOU LIKE IT?
- VERY MUCH. YOU LOOK HANDSOME.
- THANK YOU, MAMA.
- [clears throat] I'M SORRY.
BUT YOU KNOW... I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- WELL, ROBERT, YOU JUST DON'T SEEM TO HAVE
THE STABILITY WE'D PREFER
IN A HUSBAND FOR OUR AMY.
- WELL, LOOK, YOU KNOW, WE'VE HAD OUR UPS AND DOWNS, BUT--
- IT'S JUST THAT OVER THE YEARS, ROBERT,
THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY TIMES WHEN AMY WAS VERY UNHAPPY.
- YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT, MAMA.
SO OFTEN SHE WOULD COME INTO THE STORE
AND CURL UP IN THE USED COMIC SECTION
AND CRY LIKE LITTLE LOTTA.
- OH, MY.
SO YOU COULD SEE, ROBERT,
I THINK ANY PARENT WOULD NOT WANT THEIR DAUGHTER
TO HAVE A LIFE OF...
YOU.
- BUT I'M--I'M DIFFERENT NOW. I--I FEEL--
- ROBERT, I'M THE KIND OF FELLOW WHO LOVES A GOOD DISCUSSION.
ASK ANYBODY. I'M THAT KIND OF GUY.
BUT THIS IS NOT OPEN FOR DISCUSSION.
OKAY?
- I'LL SHOW HIM THE DOOR.
- WAIT--WAIT. JUST--UH!
LET ME--OKAY, SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS,
I CAN'T MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER?
- THAT'S CORRECT.
BUT THANKS FOR ASKING.
- HEY.
- HI, ROBERT. - HEY.
- ROBBIE, YOU'RE OUT LATE TONIGHT.
WHERE WERE YOU?
- UH, NOWHERE, MA. I WAS JUST OUT.
RAYMOND, DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE? COULD I--
- WHAT?
- SOMETHING IS WRONG.
WHAT IS IT?
IS IT SOMETHING WITH AMY?
I KNEW IT!
THAT'S THE LOOK YOU HAVE
EVERY TIME YOU BREAK UP WITH HER.
- OH, ROBERT, NOT AGAIN!
- YOU BROKE UP WITH AMY.
DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE KILLING ME, ROBBIE?
DO YOU EVEN CARE THAT YOU'RE KILLING ME?
- MA! - DIG A GRAVE AND THROW ME IN.
- I'VE GOT A SHOVEL.
- WHY DID YOU BREAK UP WITH AMY?
- MA, I DIDN'T BREAK UP WITH AMY!
I WANT TO ASK HER TO MARRY ME!
- MARRY YOU?
- REALLY?
- YES.
[both scream-laughing]
- I'M SO HAPPY! SO HAPPY!
- YEAH, SON. HOLY CRAP!
- OH, YOU'RE GONNA MARRY AMY.
- LISTEN, MA. I SAID I WANT TO MARRY AMY.
BUT I WENT TO ASK HER PARENTS FIRST,
AND THAT'S WHERE I WAS TONIGHT.
- OH, HOW ARE HER PARENTS?
I'M SURE THEY'RE VERY NICE.
- THEY ARE VERY NICE,
AND THEY VERY NICELY SAID NO.
- WHAT? - WHAT DO YOU MEAN "NO"?
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND. HOW COULD THEY SAY THAT?
- I COULD SEE THAT.
- STOP IT, FRANK. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
- WHY'D YOU GO TO HER PARENTS?
- IT WAS JUST A FORMALITY. I NEVER THOUGHT THEY'D SAY NO.
AND HER BROTHER PETER, HE HATES ME.
- OH, I MET THAT GUY ONCE. HE'S LIKE A PSYCHO NUT JOB.
- YEAH? HE'S FOND OF YOU.
- YEAH? WHAT'D HE SAY?
- WHO CARES ABOUT HER FAMILY? - EXCUSE ME.
WHEN YOU MARRY A PERSON, YOU ALSO MARRY THE FAMILY.
- I'VE HEARD.
OKAY, YOU LISTEN TO ME, ROBERT.
THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND AMY.
HER PARENTS ARE JUST GONNA HAVE TO GET USED TO THE IDEA.
BUT IT'S YOUR LIFE. YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
- UNTIL YOU GET MARRIED.
THEN YOU DO WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO.
- AND HOW ABOUT THAT CHOCOLATE CAKE?
- FANTASTIC.
IT ALWAYS TASTES BETTER WITHOUT THE FAMILY.
[both laugh]
[siren blaring]
- WHICH ONE OF YOU IS AMY MACDOUGALL?
- SHE--SHE IS. - PLEASE STEP BACK, MA'AM.
- AMY MACDOUGALL, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SINGLE.
ANYTHING YOU SAY MAY BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A CHURCH OF GOD.
IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A HUSBAND, ONE MAY BE PROVIDED FOR YOU.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THESE RIGHTS AS I HAVE READ THEM TO YOU?
- HUH?
- SHE DOESN'T GET IT.
- ALL RIGHT. WHO'S GONNA CUFF HER?
- HI, AMY.
I LOVE YOU, AMY.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
- HUH?
- I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?
- BUT, ROBERT,
WE--WE NEVER EVEN TALKED ABOUT--
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
- I'M READY TO BE HAPPY.
- I AM TOO.
- IS THAT A YES?
- HUH?
OH, HI.
YES!
- YES!
- YES! YES!
[all laughing]
- WHOO!
- OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
- DON'T YOU WANT TO PUT THIS ON?
- OH. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
[squeals]
TO YOU!
"ROBERT AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED."
THERE'S GOING TO BE A MARRIAGE, AND I WILL BE THE WIFE.
A BRIDE! WITH A DRESS!
THANKS FOR MARRYING ME!
- MY PLEASURE.
- CAN YOU DO ONE THING FOR ME?
- FOR YOU, I'LL DO TWO THINGS.
- I KNOW IT SOUNDS QUEER, BUT IT'S IMPORTANT.
CAN YOU ASK MY FATHER FOR MY HAND?
IT WOULD MEAN SO MUCH TO THEM.
- NO PROBLEM.
- WELL, THERE WE ARE.
IS THAT NOT OUR LORD IN ALL HIS GLORY, OR WHAT?
- IT IS A GLORIOUS PUZZLE.
[doorbell rings]
I'LL GET IT, HONEY.
- NOW, WHO COULD THAT BE?
- OH, MY...
HELLO.
- HELLO, MRS. MACDOUGALL, MR. MACDOUGALL.
- GIVE ME STRENGTH.
- NOW, BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING,
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MEET SOMEONE
WHO I BELIEVE WILL MAKE YOU FEEL
A HECK OF A LOT BETTER ABOUT ME,
BECAUSE YOU WILL SEE THE TYPE OF PERSON
WITH WHOM I ASSOCIATE WITH.
THIS IS AN AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST,
A WHOLESOME FAMILY MAN,
AND ONE OF LYNBROOK, LONG ISLAND'S,
MOST EXEMPLARY CITIZENS.
- HOW YOU DOIN'?
I'M HIS BROTHER.
- HELLO. I'VE HEARD A LOT OF NICE THINGS ABOUT YOU.
PLEASE COME IN.
- OKAY, WE'RE IN!
IT'S A LOVELY HOME, ISN'T IT?
- IT IS LOVELY.
- PENNSYLVANIA.
- LET ME GET YOU SOME WARM CIDER, UM...
- RAYMOND.
RAY BARONE, SPORTSWRITER,
"NEWSDAY" NEWSPAPER, PRIZEWINNER.
WON A PRIZE.
- I'LL GET THE CIDER.
- LISTEN, UH, ROBERT, RAYMOND,
I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU FELLAS
COMING ALL THE WAY BACK HERE, BUT--
- GO AHEAD, RAYMOND.
- YOU KNOW, I DID WANT TO MEET YOU TWO.
OH, THANK YOU THERE. THANK YOU.
UM...I--PLEASE, COULD WE SIT?
LET'S JUST SIT FOR A SECOND, OKAY?
GOOD. GOOD. THIS IS NICE.
- YES.
- HEY, ISN'T HE THE GUY
WHO SELLS TIE-DYED SHIRTS AT THE BEACH?
THAT WAS JUST A JOKE.
THAT'S--I--
HE'S GREAT. I HAVE HIS BOOK.
ANYWAY--
- RAYMOND IS MARRIED. HE HAS CHILDREN.
- YES, I DO, ROBERT.
- GOOD, GOOD FAMILY.
GOD-FEARING, RIGHT?
CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY.
ALL OF US, GOD-FEARING PEOPLE.
WE'RE SCARED TO DEATH.
- HELLO AGAIN.
RAYMOND! HOW WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU!
HE'S THE GOOD ONE, MAMA.
- THANKS THERE, PETER, BUT ROBERT'S GOOD TOO.
HE'S A GOOD PERSON.
LIEUTENANT IN THE NEW YORK POLICE FORCE.
HE'S LIKE A HERO.
HE'S ALSO THE KINDEST AND SWEETEST GUY I KNOW.
AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, HE LOVES AMY VERY MUCH,
AND I KNOW THAT HE WOULD DEVOTE HIS WHOLE LIFE TO HER.
- OH, I THINK MISS PUSS HAS A KISS FOR YOU, RAYMOND.
- HEY.
HI, THERE.
MRS. PUSS. THAT'S VERY NICE.
I WAS JUST, UH, TELLING THEM ABOUT--
- ABOUT YOUR BROTHER?
ABOUT YOUR BROTHER. OKAY, FINE.
THEN WHY DON'T WE REALLY TELL ABOUT HIM THEN, SHALL WE?
- PETER, DON'T GET EXCITED.
- NO, MAMA, I'M SORRY.
I HAVE TRIED TO KEEP CERTAIN DETAILS FROM YOU,
BUT NOW YOU HAVE TO KNOW.
ISN'T IT TRUE, LIEUTENANT BARONE,
THAT WHILE YOU WERE SEEING AMY,
YOU WERE ALSO SEEING TWO OTHER WOMEN?
- WHAT?
- NO, NO, THAT WAS JUST, LIKE, FOR A MINUTE.
YOU SEE, THE FIRST GIRL I MET WAS WHEN I WENT TO ITALY,
AND IT WAS REALLY JUST AN INTERNATIONAL MIX-UP.
AND--AND THEN THE OTHER GIRL WAS MY EX-WIFE, WHICH--
- EX-WIFE?
- OH, MY. YOU'RE DIVORCED?
- SHE WAS A STRIPPER, WASN'T SHE?
- NO, NOT AT ALL.
SHE WAS A DANCER OF THE EXOTIC TRADITION.
- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T WE JUST CUT TO THE CHASE HERE
SO YOU CAN BE ON YOUR WAY, OKAY?
ROBERT TOOK AMY'S VIRGINITY.
- OH...
- WHAT?
WHAT?
- [whimpering]
- LISTEN, REALLY, THAT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS.
- HER VIRGINITY, MAMA.
HER VIRGINITY!
- STOP SAYING IT!
- THIS IS A TERRIBLE EVENING.
- I DON'T FEEL WELL.
- W-W-WAIT, PLEASE, IF YOU WOULD.
- LISTEN, ROBERT'S REALLY NOT THAT KIND OF GUY.
I MEAN, IF ANYTHING,
I REMEMBER HE WAS AFRAID TO TOUCH YOUR DAUGHTER.
SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WANTED IT.
- OH!
- ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
- I'M SORRY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
I'M IN PENNSYLVANIA!
- I'M GONNA GET MOTHER UPSTAIRS.
PERHAPS YOU BOYS SHOULD GO NOW.
- I'M DIZZY. - LEAN ON ME, PAT.
WE SHOULD'VE NEVER LET AMY GO TO THE CITY.
- WELL...
WE SHOULD DO THIS AGAIN SOMETIME.
BUT NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
MISS PUSS AND I HAVE SOME COCOA ON THE STOVE.
- OH.
WELL.
IT'S TOO LATE TO USE THE BATHROOM, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, YEAH.
- OH, HEY. - HEY, GUYS.
- OH, HI.
- BETTER HEAD FOR THE HILLS, ROBERT.
- COULD WE GO TALK FOR A COUPLE MINUTES?
- OH, SURE.
- OH, ROBBIE, I FOUND A PLACE THAT CAN MAKE YOU A TUXEDO.
THEY DO THE CIRCUS.
- LISTEN, AMY, I WENT TO YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE.
- YOU DID? DID YOU ASK THEM?
OH, THEY MUST'VE BEEN SO THRILLED.
- YOUR MOTHER COULDN'T STOP CRYING.
LISTEN, AMY.
THEY SAID NO.
- WHAT?
- THEY DON'T APPROVE OF ME, OF MY PAST.
THEY SAID NO TO ME.
- WHAT?
REALLY?
- AMY, THEY LOVE YOU,
AND THEY WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU, AND...
I UNDERSTAND THAT.
SO I'M SORRY.
- WELL, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
I WANT TO GET MARRIED.
AND WE CAN FIX THIS. I KNOW WE CAN.
MY PARENTS WILL LEARN TO LOVE YOU
THE WAY YOUR PARENTS LOVE YOU.
- GREAT.
- I KNOW. I'LL TALK TO MY BROTHER PETER.
HE'LL HELP US.