- NO, NO. LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN TO ME.
THE PROBLEM, IT'S WITH YOUR SATELLITE.
I WAS--I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE,
AND IT WENT OUT FOR 23 MINUTES,
AND NOW I MISSED THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE,
AND THE ENDING, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
LIKE, WHO THE HELL IS THAT GUY?
- HI!
- WAIT!
YES, YES. IT'S BACK ON RIGHT NOW.
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
I--
OH, LOOK AT THIS.
WHY IS SHE SHOOTING HIM?
THEY WERE IN LOVE!
JUST--
FORGET ABOUT IT.
MY WHOLE EVENING IS RUINED.
OKAY, THANK YOU.
[groans] BUNCH OF DRUNKS.
- ANOTHER STRESSFUL NIGHT OF WATCHING TV, RAY.
- IT'S NOT FUNNY.
I WAS EMOTIONALLY HOOKED.
- OH, HONEY.
- WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
- NOTHING. WE HAD A GREAT NIGHT AT OUR CHURCH MEETING.
IT WAS ALL ABOUT SIGNING UP
FOR DIFFERENT COMMUNITY SERVICES.
- OH, GOD.
- I SIGNED UP FOR A COUPLE OF THINGS.
- OH, OKAY. SO WE'RE COVERED.
- AND I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE NICE
IF YOU WOULD VOLUNTEER TO HELP SOME PEOPLE IN NEED.
- THAT'S NOT REALLY MY THING.
- YOU MIGHT WANT TO MAKE IT YOUR THING,
BECAUSE I SIGNED YOU UP TOO.
- WHAT?
- YEAH, ONE HOUR A WEEK AT ST. THERESA'S HOSPITAL.
- AN HOUR?
- YES, THIS IS ABOUT GIVING YOUR TIME,
GETTING INVOLVED.
- LOOK, I'LL WRITE 'EM A CHECK.
- NO, RAY, IT'S NOT ABOUT MONEY.
- OH, NO?
LISTEN, MONEY TALKS,
AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT WALKS, OKAY?
BELIEVE ME, THEY'LL BE VERY HAPPY WITH MY $20.
- ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
JUST FORGET IT.
- YOU SEE? THIS IS WHAT I DON'T LIKE ABOUT CHARITIES.
IT'S ALL ABOUT MAKING PEOPLE FEEL GUILTY.
- WHAT? WHAT DID I DO?
I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY.
I ASKED YOU TO VOLUNTEER FOR SOMETHING.
YOU REFUSED.
YOUR GUILT IS YOUR OWN.
- YOU KNOW HOW TO WORK IT.
- LOOK, RAY,
ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT I JUST REALLY LOVE
THE CHARITIES THAT I'M INVOLVED WITH,
AND I FEEL LIKE WE HAVE A LOT,
AND I REALLY ENJOY GIVING SOMETHING BACK.
I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO.
- NO, THEY DON'T!
- ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT GONNA ARGUE WITH YOU.
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO VOLUNTEER AT THE HOSPITAL,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND HIM.
- OH, YOU ARE SHAMELESS!
DON'T--
DON'T BRING HIM INTO IT, OKAY?
THAT'S NOT GOING TO WORK WITH ME.
[scoffs]
TAKE IT BACK!
HI.
HI, UH, I'M HERE TO VOLUNTEER.
- OH, ARE YOU WITH THE CHURCH PROGRAM?
- YEAH. YEAH, RAY BARONE.
I SIGNED UP 'CAUSE...
THAT'S WHAT I'M ALL ABOUT.
- GREAT. IF YOU'LL JUST SIGN THESE PAPERS.
- HERE'S SOME TYPE "O" FOR THE FRIDGE.
- SIR? SIR, YOU OKAY?
- YES, I'M OKAY. I'M ALL RIGHT.
I'M FINE.
- WHAT'S WITH HIM?
- HE'S HERE TO HELP OUT.
- OHH.
- LET'S PUT THESE THINGS AWAY.
- OKAY.
- HERE, SIT DOWN.
TAKE A BREATH.
BREATHE THROUGH YOUR MOUTH.
- YOU SURE YOU WANT TO VOLUNTEER IN A HOSPITAL?
- YEAH, I'M FINE.
OHH.
I'M OKAY.
- HEY, ARE YOU RAY BARONE, THE SPORTSWRITER?
- YEAH, YEAH.
- AND YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BLOOD BEFORE?
- SURE. JUST NOT "TO GO."
LOOK, UH...
I'M ALL RIGHT, THOUGH, NOW.
- ARE YOU SURE? - YEAH, NO.
I'M TOTALLY FINE, AND I WANT TO VOLUNTEER,
SO... SO, UH, WHAT DO I DO?
- YOU KNOW MRS. GORMAN IN 408?
MAYBE HE COULD HELP OUT WITH HER.
- I THINK SHE ALREADY KNOWS HOW TO FALL DOWN.
- NO, SHE LIKES BASEBALL.
HE MIGHT BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT SPORTS,
CHEER HER UP,
GET HER TO TAKE HER PILLS.
SHE'S KIND OF A LONELY OLD LADY.
YOU WANT TO TRY IT?
- YEAH, OKAY. SURE.
SO JUST TALK TO HER AND TELL HER TO TAKE HER PILLS?
- YEAH.
- OKAY.
RIGHT IN THERE?
- YEAH.
- OKAY.
SHE'S NOT BLEEDING, IS SHE?
- WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST WRITE A CHECK?
[clears throat]
- IF YOU THE ANGEL OF DEATH, I'M READY.
- NO. NO.
NO, NO. I'M NOT THE ANGEL OF DEATH.
- THEN YOU COULD USE A MINT.
- SORRY. I'M SORRY.
I'M RAY. I'M HELPING OUT HERE TODAY.
SO I HEAR YOU LIKE BASEBALL.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M RAY BARONE.
I'M A SPORTSWRITER FOR NEW YORK NEWSDAY.
- OH, YEAH? CAN YOU FIX A RADIO?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS
WHEN SOMEBODY SAYS THEY NEED THEIR RADIO FIXED?
- NO, I'VE COME HERE TO JUST TALK TO YOU--
YOU KNOW, CHEER YOU UP.
- THEY FINALLY SEND A MAN IN HERE, AND IT'S YOU.
- ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, MRS. GORMAN,
I WAS JUST SEEING IF
MAYBE I COULD GET YOU TO TAKE YOUR PILLS.
- FIX MY RADIO, I'LL TAKE A PILL.
- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX A RADIO.
- THEN YOU'VE USED UP WHAT'S LEFT OF MY LIFE
FOR NOTHING.
- OKAY, THEN.
WELL, NICE TALKING TO YOU, MA'AM.
- YOU SIT IN THE PRESS BOX?
- WHAT, AT THE GAME? YEAH.
- I'VE NEVER SAT IN A PRESS BOX BEFORE.
- WELL, UM, IF YOU WANT TO SIT IN A PRESS BOX,
YOU'VE GOT TO GET BETTER.
AND IF YOU WANT TO GET BETTER...
YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE YOUR PILLS.
- OH, YOU TRICKY, TRICKY WHITE BOY.
- OKAY, GOT YOUR NEW PLUNGER.
- OH, THANKS, ROBERT.
MICHAEL FLUSHED AN ACTION FIGURE.
- WHAT ARE YOU FEEDING THAT KID?
SO WHERE'S RAY?
- AT THE HOSPITAL AGAIN.
HE'S UP TO THREE NIGHTS A WEEK. HE'S A BIG HIT THERE.
I GUESS 'CAUSE HE WRITES FOR NEWSDAY, HE'S A CELEBRITY.
- YEAH? WHAT IS IT, A MENTAL HOSPITAL?
- NO, YOU KNOW, IT'S NICE.
IT'S JUST THAT HE'S GONE ALL THE TIME.
- SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, YOU MISS HIM?
- YEAH, WHEN I NEED THE TOILET PLUNGED.
- DID RAYMOND GET BACK YET? I'VE GOT RAVIOLI.
- AND I'VE GOT MY STRETCHY PANTS ON.
- MARIE, WHY DID YOU MAKE RAVIOLI?
I WAS GOING TO COOK.
- OH, I JUST THOUGHT RAYMOND SHOULD HAVE SOMETHING NICE.
RAYMOND'S DOING SUCH GOOD THINGS AT THE HOSPITAL.
LEE'S NEPHEW NEEDED A CAST,
AND RAYMOND CHEERED HIM UP
BY BLOWING UP A SURGICAL GLOVE.
CAN YOU IMAGINE?
- HE'S A GENIUS!
- HEY.
- HI, RAYMOND. - HOW'S IT GOING?
- HE'S HERE. LET'S EAT.
- RAYMOND,
LEE TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR WONDERFUL GLOVE TRICK.
- YEAH, I'M A TRICKY, TRICKY WHITE BOY.
HEY, LOOK WHAT THEY GAVE ME.
- "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL"?
- THAT'S RIGHT. I CAN GO ANYWHERE.
AND IF I'M EXPOSED TO RADIATION,
THIS CHANGES COLOR.
- OHH!
- YOU KNOW, I MAKE SOME OF THE ROUNDS
WITH SOME OF THE NURSES.
I GIVE THEM A FEW HUMOROUS ANECDOTES.
THEY EVEN SAID
I COULD ENTERTAIN IN THE GERIATRIC WARD.
- YOU'RE PRACTICALLY A DOCTOR!
- YEAH, MA, YOU CAN EITHER GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL
OR BLOW UP A GLOVE.
- TURNS OUT I'VE GOT
KIND OF A TOUCH WITH THE PATIENTS, YOU KNOW?
I'VE HAD A LOT OF PRACTICE
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PERSONALITIES.
- YES, HE HAS.
- I ALWAYS KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU, RAYMOND,
AND HERE IT IS.
YOU'VE BLOSSOMED INTO A HUMANITARIAN.
- WOW. GLAD I BROUGHT THIS.
- HEY, RAY, THE NEXT TIME YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL,
GET ME SOME OF THOSE EXTRA-LONG Q-TIPS,
THE KIND YOU CAN REALLY CRANK ON.
- I'M GONNA GET YOU SOMETHING TO EAT, DEAR.
IT'S TIME SOMEBODY DID SOMETHING FOR YOU.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I SERVE THE PUBLIC TOO, YOU KNOW, MA.
- DON'T BRAG, ROBBIE. IT'S NOT BECOMING.
- WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK THERE? - THURSDAY.
- RAY, THURSDAY?
- YEAH, THEY WANT ME TO DO A SPORTS TALK.
- BUT THURSDAY I DO MY THING AT THE HOMELESS SHELTER.
- OH. WELL, MA, CAN YOU BABYSIT?
- I'D LOVE TO, DEAR, BUT I HAVE MY FOLK DANCING.
- WELL, I GOT AN IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU DO YOUR THING ON ANOTHER NIGHT?
- BECAUSE I'VE MADE A COMMITMENT.
- YEAH, BUT THIS IS FOR THE HOSPITAL.
- RIGHT, AND MY THING IS FOR THE HOMELESS.
- I'M HELPING SICK PEOPLE.
- ARE YOU SAYING YOUR CHARITY'S BETTER THAN MINE?
- OH, YOU ARE SO DISGUSTING!
DEBRA IS THE REAL HUMANITARIAN IN THIS FAMILY,
AND EVERYBODY KNOWS
THAT HOMELESS KICKS HOSPITAL BUTT!
- BUT RAYMOND'S DOING VERY IMPORTANT WORK.
- BUT DEBORAH'S BEEN DOING HER CHARITY STUFF
FOR A LONG TIME.
RAYMOND'S JUST A GOOD-DOER-COME-LATELY.
- LISTEN, ROBERT, HE SHOULD GO.
I'M THE ONE THAT WANTED HIM TO DO THIS,
AND I'M GLAD HE GOT INVOLVED, SO GO AHEAD, RAY.
- REALLY? YEAH?
- THE HOSPITAL WINS!
AND WHO KNOWS HOW MANY SPIRITS WILL BE LIFTED
JUST BECAUSE MY SON WAS THERE?
YOU ARE A SON...
[emotionally] WHO TRULY SHINES!
- [with feigned emotion] AND SO IT IS MY HONOR
TO PRESENT YOU WITH THIS AWARD.
- HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?
- YOU CAN COME IN. THERE'S NO BLOOD.
- GOOD. GOOD.
HEY.
I THOUGHT I'D SEE WHO'S IN THE LOUNGE
AND MAYBE GIVE A LITTLE TALK ABOUT BASEBALL.
- OH, WELL, ACTUALLY,
WE ALREADY HAVE SOME ENTERTAINMENT FOR TONIGHT.
- NOW, NOW, TRAFFIC COP TIMMY.
[chuckles]
THE FOOD AT THE HOSPITAL ISN'T THAT BAD.
- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S FIT FOR A KING.
HERE, KING! COME ON, BOY!
HERE, BOY! WHERE ARE YOU?
- ALL RIGHT, TIMMY.
[laughter]
- NOW, TIMMY, THAT'S A LITTLE RUDE.
THESE KIND PEOPLE DIDN'T COME HERE TO GET INSULTED.
- THEN MAYBE THEY SHOULD CLOSE THEIR ROBES.
[laughter]
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- NOW, TIMMY, IT WON'T DO TO HAVE YOU TALK LIKE THAT
WHILE YOU'RE ON DUTY,
SO LET ME REMOVE YOUR BADGE.
- GENTLE. IT'S NAILED ON.
I HOPE THE DOCTORS HERE HAVE SOME WOOD GLUE.
[laughter]
- THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. IT'S NOT A WOOD PUPPET.
- SHH!
- ALL RIGHT. NOW I CAN LOOSEN UP.
HELLO, DOLL FACE. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- MARGARET.
- YOU'RE A REAL LOOKER.
MAYBE IF YOU BREAK YOUR HIP, I CAN BE YOUR SPLINT.
HA-CHA-CHA-CHA!
- EASY, TIMMY! I'M SORRY.
- HE'S NOT WOOD. HE'S MADE OF PLASTIC.
- HEY, FOLKS, WHAT DO YOU THINK
THIS GUY'S DOING IN THE HOSPITAL, HUH?
PROBABLY DROPPED IN
FOR AN EMERGENCY NOSE REDUCTION.
[laughter]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MY COUSIN PINOCCHIO!
[laughter]
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! GREAT SHOW!
OFFICER BARONE AND HIS PLASTIC PUPPET,
EVERYBODY.
YEAH, OKAY. THANK YOU FOR FILLING IN.
ALL RIGHT, HEY.
WANT TO SEE SOMETHING FUNNY?
I KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS.
HEY, IT'S A BALLOON!
WHOOP--IT'S A TURKEY! GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE!
HEY, HEY, EVERYBODY, I'M MILKING MYSELF.
- BOO!
- YES, MADAM, I AGREE WITH YOU.
THIS GUY'S ACT IS A "DO NOT RESUSCITATE."
[laughter]
SO WHAT DOES A GUY HAVE TO DO
TO GET A SPONGE BATH AROUND HERE?
THANK YOU. YOU'VE BEEN GREAT.
REMEMBER TO TIP YOUR NURSES.
[kids squealing]
- IF YOU THREE DON'T GO TO BED RIGHT NOW,
I'M...JUST...
OH, WHO CARES?
- YOU KNOW WHAT ROBERT IS?
HE'S A COMPETITIVE, SELFISH,
LITTLE, TINY, PEA-BRAINED GIANT,
AND A HACK!
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- HE WAITED TILL THERE WAS AN OPENING,
THEN SNUCK INTO THE HOSPITAL TO STEAL MY THUNDER.
- WHY WAS ROBERT AT THE HOSPITAL?
- TO STEAL MY THUNDER!
HE--HE COMES IN THERE
WITH HIS IDIOTIC LITTLE TIMMY DOLL
AND HIS LAME JOKES
AND HIS LIPS MOVING ALL AROUND.
[mocking Robert] RAYMOND, WHAT, ARE YOU HERE FOR,
YOUR EMERGENCY NOSE REDUCTION?
- [laughing] TIMMY SAID THAT TO YOU?
- IT'S NOT FUNNY. IT'S STUPID.
AND THEY WERE ALL LAUGHING AT IT, ALL OF THEM--
THE NURSES, THE PATIENTS--
LIKE THE FUNNIEST THING THEY EVER HEARD.
IF THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT, THEY CAN HAVE IT.
I'M NOT GOING BACK TO THAT PLACE.
SAINT STUPID, STUPID HOSPITAL FOR THE INCURABLY STUPID.
- SO YOU'RE QUITTING?
- YES. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I QUIT.
- WELL, IF YOU DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD GO BACK,
THEN YOU SHOULDN'T GO.
WELL, I DON'T, SO I WON'T!
HE DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER
TO DRESS THE DUMMY UP LIKE A DOCTOR OR A NURSE.
HE'S SUCH A HACK!
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU PUT IN SO MUCH TIME OVER THERE.
YOU SHOULD JUST STAY HERE, WHERE YOU'RE APPRECIATED.
- DAMN STRAIGHT!
- AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD APPRECIATE?
THE KIDS ARE STILL RUNNING AROUND UPSTAIRS.
COULD YOU GO AND TIE THEM TO THEIR BEDS?
- YEAH. YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
- OH, AND TOMORROW NIGHT, IF IT'S OKAY,
AMY ASKED ME TO GO OUT TO DINNER AND A MOVIE.
- SO YOU'RE ALL RIGHT WITH ME QUITTING THIS CHARITY THING?
- HEY, CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME.
- YEAH, BUT I WAS HELPING PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?
I SHOULDN'T LET ROBERT SPOIL THAT FOR EVERYBODY.
WHAT I WAS DOING IN THE HOSPITAL,
IT'S IMPORTANT, AND I WAS GOOD AT IT.
- YEAH. BUT YOU'RE QUITTING, RIGHT?
- WHEN I GO IN THERE TO VOLUNTEER,
YOU SHOULD SEE HOW HAPPY EVERYBODY IS TO SEE ME--
EVERYBODY: THE NURSES, THE PATIENTS.
YOU KNOW THEY ALL GIVE ME STUFF?
EVEN THE SICK PEOPLE,
WHEN THEY GET THEIR GIFT BASKETS
FROM PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO VISIT THEM,
THERE'S ALWAYS A COOKIE OR A BROWNIE
OR A NICE PIECE OF FRUIT FOR ME.
YOU KNOW, THE CAFETERIA STAFF,
THEY'RE ALWAYS BRINGING ME JELL-O.
AND YOU KNOW THAT PIMPLE ON THE BACK OF MY NECK
THAT WON'T GO AWAY?
DOCTOR'S GONNA GIVE ME A CREAM FOR THAT FOR FREE!
- OH, MY GOD!
- I KNOW! IT'S AMAZING, RIGHT?
- NO!
YOU'RE NOT THERE FOR THEM.
YOU'RE THERE FOR YOU!
YOU'RE DOING THIS FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS.
- I'M DOING IT FOR YOUR REASONS.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SIGNED ME UP.
- I SIGNED YOU UP TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE,
NOT TO HELP YOURSELF TO FREE FRUIT AND PIMPLE CREAM.
- HEY, GUYS. - OH, LOOK WHO IT IS.
WHERE'S YOUR LITTLE BOYFRIEND?
- RAYMOND, LOOK, I'M SORRY
WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT AT THE HOSPITAL.
IT'S JUST THAT TIMMY GETS ON A ROLL,
AND IT'S KIND OF HARD TO STOP HIM.
LOOK. HERE.
I BROUGHT YOU A PINEAPPLE.
MRS. DEETS CAN'T TAKE ALL THE ACIDITY.
- I DON'T WANT YOUR PINEAPPLE.
I WAS FEELING PRETTY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF
UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP WITH YOUR LITTLE EVIL PLAN
TO TAKE AWAY MY GIFT OF GIVING.
- EVIL PLAN? - THAT'S RIGHT!
- THERE WAS NO PLAN.
DEBRA JUST SUGGESTED
I GO OVER THERE WITH TRAFFIC COP TIMMY
AND SPREAD A LITTLE CHEER.
- ROBERT, MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST LEAVE RAY ALONE.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE. "DEBRA SUGGESTED"?
YOU SENT HIM IN THERE?
- RAY...
I JUST...
COME ON!
- OH, OH, OHH!
DIRTY LAUNDRY IS COMING HOME TO ROOST!
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- YOU WANTED HIM TO TAKE MY PLACE, RIGHT,
SO I COULD STAY HOME
AND YOU COULD PRETTY YOURSELF UP
AND GO OUT ON THE TOWN
WITH YOUR FACE PAINTED AND YOUR GEWGAWS!
YEAH.
YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THE OLD OR THE SICK.
YOU DON'T CARE THAT THEIR ENTERTAINMENT NOW
IS A LARGE MAN WITH HIS HAND
UP THE BEHIND OF A SMALL PLASTIC MAN!
- RAY, YOU WERE SPENDING ALL YOUR TIME THERE.
YOU WERE NEVER HERE.
- I WAS DOING CHARITY,
AND BECAUSE IT WASN'T CONVENIENT FOR YOU,
YOU WANTED ME TO STOP.
- RAY, ALL I DID-- - BHUP BHUP BHUP BHUP!
I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE TALKING TO ME.
I THINK YOU SHOULD BE TALKING TO...
- BUT I-- - BHUP!
- ROBERT, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT?
- IS THAT WHY YOU REALLY WANTED ME
TO ENTERTAIN AT THE HOSPITAL?
YOU SAID I SHOULD GO THERE BECAUSE I WAS A...
GREAT VENTRILOQUIST.
- YOU ARE, ROBERT.
- [gasps]
DEBRA!
- OH, ROBERT, LOOK, I'M SORRY.
- NO, NO. IT'S OKAY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO ME.
- BUT, ROBERT, I--
- AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
I GOT LAUGHS.
I GOT REAL LAUGHS.
I TORE THE ROOF OFF THE SUCKER.
- [singing] WHEN YOU'RE SMILING
THE WHOLE WORLD SMILES WITH YOU
COME ON, EVERYBODY!
WHEN YOU'RE LAUGHING
THE SUN COMES SHINING THROUGH
- WHERE'S TIMMY?
- [singing] BRING ON THE RAIN
SO STOP YOUR SIGHING
BE HAPPY AGAIN
WHEN YOU'RE SMI--
HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?