- [coughing]
RAY, COULD YOU GET ME THE TISSUES?
[coughing]
HONEY, COULD YOU PASS ME THE TISSUES?
BOY, I WISH SOMEONE WOULD RUB THIS ON MY CHEST.
- WHAT?
- PASS ME THE TISSUES.
- NO, I HEARD "RUB" AND "CHEST."
THE DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU NOW.
- JUST PASS ME THE TISSUES, PLEASE!
AND COULD YOU GO TO THE STORE AND GET ME SOME COUGH MEDICINE?
- WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CHEST RUBBING?
- NO, THANK YOU.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF YOU LEAVE NOW, YOU CAN DROP ALLY OFF ON YOUR WAY.
- OH, COME-- DROP ALLY OFF WHERE?
ROBERT AND GIANNI ARE COMING OVER TO WATCH THE GAME.
- JUST GO, AND TAKE ALLY, OKAY?
SHE'S GOT A SLEEPOVER AT MOLLY'S.
- WHOA, WHOA, MOLLY'S?
- YEAH, MOLLY'S.
- ISN'T MOLLY'S MOM THAT PEGGY?
THE--THE SCOUTMASTER NAZI COOKIE HITLER?
- YEAH. THAT'S HOW SHE'S LISTED IN THE PHONE BOOK.
- COME ON, I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT PEGGY AGAIN.
- RAY, COME ON, HONEY, THAT WAS OVER A YEAR AGO.
THE FRONTIER GIRL COOKIE WARS ARE OVER.
I'M SURE SHE WON'T BEAT YOU UP THIS TIME.
- I DID NOT GET BEAT UP.
I SLIPPED.
- COME ON, MOMMY, I'M READY TO GO!
- HONEY, YOU KNOW, MOMMY'S TOO SICK,
SO DADDY'S GONNA TAKE YOU.
- OKAY.
COME ON, DADDY!
- WELL, LISTEN,
HOW GOOD OF A FRIEND IS MOLLY?
BECAUSE I GOT TO TELL YOU, I DON'T SEE IT.
- RAY!
- ALL RIGHT!
OKAY, COME ON.
- AND LISTEN, DON'T FORGET MY COUGH MEDICINE.
I NEED THE NIGHTTIME STUFF.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, BUT WHEN I COME BACK,
WE'RE DOING THIS WHETHER YOU NEED IT OR NOT.
OKAY, COME ON, ALLY.
HERE WE ARE.
OKAY.
MWAH.
HAVE A GOOD TIME!
- DADDY, MY SLEEPING BAG!
- HUH? OH, RIGHT.
OKAY, HAVE FUN.
- WELL, HI THERE, ALLY.
COME IN.
HELLO, ALLY'S DAD.
- HELLO...
PEGGY.
- HEY, MOM, MAYBE ALLY'S DAD COULD HELP US SET UP THE TENT.
- WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. MOMMY CAN DO IT.
- BUT YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T.
- MOLLY, MOMMY WILL FIGURE IT OUT.
- THEY'RE GONNA SLEEP OUTSIDE?
- NO!
I PROMISED THEM THEY COULD SET UP THE TENT
IN THE LIVING ROOM AND PRETEND IT'S A SLEEP-OUT.
- DADDY, WHY DON'T YOU HELP US?
- EH, I DON'T KNOW, ALLY.
- SEE, THAT'S RIGHT.
IF I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT, THEN ALLY'S DAD CERTAINLY WON'T.
[chuckling]
- ACTUALLY, IT'S PROBABLY NOT TOO HARD.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
- THANKS, DAD!
- I REALLY DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.
I'VE GOT THE INSTRUCTIONS RIGHT HERE.
I HATE THIS THING.
I TOLD SAM NOT TO BUY IT.
- YOUR HUSBAND?
- EX-HUSBAND.
- EX. HMM.
SURPRISE, SURPRISE.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- NOTHING, NOTHING.
I WONDER--
I WONDER WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU OPENED IT
AND PULLED THIS.
WELL, LOOK AT THAT!
- THANKS, DADDY!
- THANKS, MR. BARONE.
- MAYBE ISHOULD GET A MERIT BADGE.
- MOLLY, YOU CAN GO GET YOUR SLEEPING BAG NOW.
- YOU KIDS ENJOY THE TENT THAT I MADE.
- WELL, THANKS.
I APPRECIATE IT.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TIE THIS TO THE TABLE HERE.
- OH, GREAT.
WELL, THANKS AGAIN.
SO,
WHAT TIME DO YOU WANT TO COME BACK TOMORROW?
- WHAT?
- TOMORROW.
TO PICK UP ALLY.
- UH, I DON'T KNOW.
- HOW ABOUT 10:00?
- YEAH, OKAY, 10:00, UH...
10:00 SOUNDS GOOD.
YEAH, THAT SOUNDS-- THAT'S A GOOD TIME
FOR SOMEBODY TO COME AND GET HER.
YEAH.
LIKE MY WIFE, DEBRA.
WHO'S MY WIFE.
- WHAT'S WITH YOU?
WHAT HAPPENED?
- NOTHING, NOTHING.
I WENT TO THE DRUGSTORE AND...
IT'S KIND OF WINDY OUT.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN
WHEN A WOMAN PATS YOU ON YOUR--
YOU KNOW, ON YOUR BOTTOM?
- WHAT DRUGSTORE DID YOU GO TO?
- NO, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN AT THE DRUGSTORE.
I DROVE ALLY TO A FRIEND'S HOUSE, AND IT WAS THE MOM.
YOU KNOW THAT SCOUT LEADER, PEGGY?
- THE COOKIE LADY FONDLED YOU?
- YEAH.
- GET ANY COOKIES?
- NO, I WAS HELPING HER FIX THE TENT FOR THE KIDS,
AND I BENT OVER TO FASTEN THE THING TO THE TABLE,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M BEING TOUCHED
IN AN IMPURE MANNER.
- WELL, WAS IT A PAT OR A SQUEEZE?
- I'M NOT SURE.
- WELL, WAS THERE GRASPING OR CUPPING OF ANY KIND?
- I DON'T KNOW! IT WAS SO QUICK!
- OKAY, WAIT, WAIT.
SHOW ME WHAT SHE DID.
- WHAT? NO!
- NO, COME ON.
I MEAN, SHOW ME HOW YOU WERE STANDING
IN RELATION TO HER.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
I GUESS I WAS STANDING IN FRONT OF HER LIKE THIS,
AND I WAS REACHING FOR THE THING LIKE THIS.
- SWEET.
- OH, COME ON!
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.
OKAY, LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL BEND OVER,
AND I WANT YOU TO RE-CREATE
EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID TO YOU.
- ALL RIGHT.
- ROBERT, DO YOU WANT A GLASS OF WINE FIRST?
- I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INVESTIGATION HERE.
- I WAS BENT OVER LIKE THAT, AND I GUESS I SAID,
YOU KNOW, "LET ME TIE THE THING TO THE TABLE,"
AND SHE DID THIS.
- OH, SO SHE JUST PATTED IT?
- NO, NO, NO. I DID IT TOO FAST.
IT WASN'T LIKE SPORTS.
IT WAS-- IT WAS TOO SOFT.
LET ME SHOW YOU. HERE.
IT WAS LIKE THIS.
- ONE MORE TIME.
- GOOD EVENING.
- OH, HEY.
HI, HONEY.
ANYWAY, SO THAT'S--
THAT'S COLLEGE FOOTBALL.
IN PRO FOOTBALL,
THE QUARTERBACK GETS RIGHT UP IN THERE.
- OKAY, THANK YOU.
APPRECIATE THAT.
- HEY, HOW YOU FEELING?
- WELL, NOW I'M A LITTLE NAUSEOUS.
DID YOU GET MY MEDICINE?
- OH, YEAH, YEAH.
- THANK YOU.
RAY, I ASKED YOU FOR THE NIGHTTIME ONE.
DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN?
THIS IS DAYTIME.
THIS IS GONNA KEEP ME UP ALL NIGHT.
- OH.
WELL, TAKE A DRINK WITH IT.
[phone ringing]
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET IT.
YOU GUYS CAN GO BACK TO YOUR HALF-TIME SHOW.
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT DOES THE PAT MEAN?
- WELL, SEEMS TO ME LIKE YOU WERE ASKING FOR IT.
- WHAT?
- SORRY, IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM,
YOU STICK YOUR CABOOSE IN THE AIR,
THAT'S AS GOOD AS A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL.
- SHUT UP!
- YEAH, HE'S RIGHT.
I BELIEVE THE TERM IS "PRESENTING."
- FACE IT, RAY, THIS CHICK'S GOT THE HOTS FOR YOU.
- YEP, SHE'S IN LOVE!
- NO!
NO!
NO, SHE HATES ME!
- SOUNDS LIKE MAYBE HER OLD MAN
HASN'T BEEN MINDING THE STORE.
- NO, NO, NO, THE OLD MAN'S GONE.
SHE'S DIVORCED.
both: OH.
- WHAT?
- HEY, RAY, THAT WAS PEGGY.
YOU GOT TO GO BACK.
SHE SAID ALLY WANTS TO COME HOME.
both: OHH.
- BUT I WAS JUST THERE.
- I'M SORRY, HONEY.
SHE SAID ALLY'S NOT FEELING WELL.
- WHY DON'T YOU GO?
YOU'RE LOOKING 100% BETTER.
OKAY, ONE OF YOU GUYS GOT TO COME WITH ME.
- I'D LOVE TO, BUT I'VE ALREADY GOT A GIRL.
- COME ON. GIANNI.
- NO, I'D RATHER JUST READ ABOUT IT IN PENTHOUSE.
- OH, COME ON!
LOOK, GUYS, SERIOUSLY,
YOU THINK THIS WOMAN IS COMING ON TO ME?
- DO YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVETHAT ALLY IS SICK ALL OF A SUDDEN?
- "DEAR PENTHOUSE,
I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD HAPPEN TO ME."
- AH, COME ON!
- "IT WAS A RAINY NIGHT,
"AND MY RUMP WAS YEARNING
TO BREAK OUT OF ITS DENIM PRISON."
[doorbell rings]
- HELLO.
- HI.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY.
ALLY SAYS SHE'S FINE NOW.
I THINK THE GIRLS HAD A LITTLE FIGHT,
BUT I GUESS THEY GOT OVER IT.
- HOW ABOUT THAT?
- KIDS.
- YEAH, KIDS.
- WELL, IF YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT ALLY'S OKAY,
YOU COULD COME IN-- - NO!
NO, THANK YOU.
NO!
OH, PLEASE, GOD, NO!
NO!
NO, NO!
[doorbell rings]
I, UH...
I'M HAVING A LITTLE CAR TROUBLE.
COULD I JUST USE YOUR PHONE?
- SURE, COME IN.
- GIRLS ARE IN THE TENT?
- NO, THEY DECIDED THEY WANTED TO SLEEP
IN THE SOFA-BED DOWNSTAIRS IN THE BASEMENT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT,
AFTER ALL THE TROUBLE SETTING THIS THING UP?
THERE'S A PHONE RIGHT HERE.
- HEY, ROBERT, IT'S ME.
LISTEN, I LOCKED MY KEYS IN THE CAR.
YOU GUYS GOT TO COME AND PICK ME UP.
YEAH, HA HA HA, VERY FUNNY!
VERY FUNNY.
JUST COME AND GET ME!
NO, NOW!
I CAN'T WAIT TILL THE END OF THE GAME!
WELL, CALL DAD UP AND TELL HIM TO GET ME, THEN.
ROBERT. ROBERT!
OH, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
AHH!
- THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED THIS. - WHAT?
- YOU'RE ALL WET.
- OH. THANK YOU.
- WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO DRINK?
I'VE GOT TEA.
- NO, NO, I'M GOOD.
MY DAD'S GONNA COME GET ME SOON.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT.
- OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I'LL JUST LEAVE THIS ON.
- NO, COME ON, YOU'RE DRIPPING ALL OVER MY CARPET.
- I'LL DRY IT OFF, THEN.
- COME ON, I'LL JUST HANG IT UP.
[both yelling at once]
WOULD YOU PLEASE-- - NO!
- WHAT?
- STOP IT! NO!
MY GOD!
DON'T YOU GET IT?
NO MEANS NO!
- WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
- DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
THE FIRE, THE DRINKS,
THE RAIN.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- YOU TOUCHED ME ON MY PERSONAL SPACE.
I WAS JUST BENDING OVER TO FIX YOUR TENT.
I WAS NOT PRESENTING.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING--
OH, WHEN I DID THIS?
- WATCH IT, LADY!
- WHAT WAS THE BIG DEAL?
- THE BIG DEAL IS THAT I'M A MARRIED MAN,
AND YOU HAD A PICNIC IN MYBACKYARD!
- [laughs]
YOU THINK I WAS COMING ON TO YOU?
[laughs]
IN YOUR DREAMS, PAL.
- NO, IN YOURDREAMS!
OKAY?
WHY ELSE WOULD YOU GO AT ME LIKE THAT?
- OH, BECAUSE I AM SOATTRACTED TO YOU,
CAPTAIN FLAT PANTS!
- YEAH, THEN WHY'D YOU DO IT?
- I DON'T KNOW, I JUST DID IT.
- OH, YEAH, YEAH.
THAT'S JUST YOUR LITTLE THANK-YOU GIFT
FOR ANYBODY WHO HELPS YOU OUT.
- HEY, I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T NEED YOUR HELP.
YOU JUST HAD TO SHOW ME WHAT A BIG, STRONG MAN YOU WERE.
LIKE I COULDN'T HAVE FIGURED OUT THAT TENT ON MY OWN?
- I WASN'T TRYING TO SHOW YOU ANYTHING.
I WAS DOING IT FOR THE KIDS.
- OH, PLEASE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
YOU WERE STRUTTING AROUND, GLOATING.
"MAYBE I SHOULD GET A MERIT BADGE."
YOU'RE LUCKY I DIDN'T KICKYOUR BUTT!
WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOU SCARED?
- NO!
YES!
ALL RIGHT, I'LL ADMIT IT.
YOU SCARE ME. YOU'RE SCARY.
YOU'RE A BAD, SCARY LADY.
SO LET'S JUST AGREE THAT YOU DON'T TOUCH ME,
AND I WILL WAIT FOR MY RIDE OUTSIDE.
- FINE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
GET OUT! JUST GET OUT NOW!
GET OUT NOW!
WOULD YOU GO?
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? I SAID GET OUT!
- ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT?
- I AM NOTCRYING.
- OH, OKAY.
LISTEN.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO--
- DIDN'T MEAN TO WHAT?
CALL ME A SCARY, MEAN, OLD ASS-GRABBER?
- I DID NOT SAY "ASS."
- LOOK, I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID IT.
IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MY HUSBAND
USED TO DO TO ME.
LIKE, "OH, YEAH, GOOD JOB, TOOTS.
"DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD MANAGE GETTING THE FORK
OUT OF THE DISHWASHER AND MAKE A POT OF COFFEE."
CONDESCENDING LITTLE PUTZ!
- NO, NO. NO, IT WAS ME.
IT WAS ALL MY PERSONALITY.
I'M SO TOUGH TO GET ALONG WITH.
I'M SO NEGATIVE.
HOW DOES HE THINK I GOT SO--
HOW DO YOU THINK I GOT THIS WAY?
- I DON'T KNOW.
SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS HIS FAULT.
- LOOK, I AM NO WALK IN THE PARK,
BUT, I MEAN, WHENEVER I TRIED TO TALK TO HIM,
ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS WATCH TELEVISION.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, HE WANTED SEX,
AND THEN, WHEW, BOY,
FOR THOSE EIGHT MINUTES, I WAS NUMBER ONE.
- YEAH, WELL, I MEAN, SOME GUYS.
EIGHT MINUTES.
THAT'S BAD, RIGHT?
- AND HE LIED, I MEAN, ALL THE TIME
ABOUT EVERYTHING, EVEN LITTLE THINGS.
HE'D JUST SAY WHATEVER I WANTED TO HEAR
TO AVOID CONFRONTATION.
- HMM.
- HE NEVER LISTENED,
NEVER HELPED ME,
ONLY CARED ABOUT HIMSELF.
12 YEARS OF MARRIAGE.
- WOW, 12 YEARS?
AND HE JUST LEFT?
- NO.
I THREW HIM OUT.
- OH.
OHH.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- NO, NOTHING, I JUST--
JUST WONDERING...
WONDERING WHERE MY DAD IS.
I SHOULD BE GETTING HOME.
DEBRA'S...
SHE'S A LITTLE SICK.
- WELL, I'VE GOT TO TAKE THIS TENT DOWN.
- YOU KNOW WHAT? LET ME HELP YOU.
- OH, WELL, THANKS.
WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET THE SLEEPING BAGS OUT FIRST.
- OH, OKAY.
[knocking on door]
- HELLO.
- MY HUSBAND SAID THAT RAYMOND NEEDED A RIDE--
OH!
OH, MY GOD!
- NO, MOM!
- OH, MY GOD!
- MOM!
MOM!
SORRY.
SHE'S A LITTLE SICK TOO.
MOM!
- HEY.
WHAT'S ALL THIS?
- STUFF TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
YOU'RE SICK. I'M TAKING CARE OF YOU.
FIRST OF ALL, COUGH SYRUP.
I GOT ALL THE SLEEPY KIND.
NIGHTTIME, P.M.--
THIS JUST HAS A BUNCH OF "Z"s ON IT.
- WOW.
- GOT YOU LOZENGES,
VITAMIN C,
AND I GOT YOU A VAPORIZER.
I THOUGHT IT'D BE BETTER THAN ME RUBBING ALL THAT STUFF ON YOU.
YOU DON'T NEED THAT.
- I THINK I HAVE A FEVER, 'CAUSE I'M HALLUCINATING.
- WHAT?
I'M YOUR HUSBAND.
I LISTEN.
I HELP.
I'M HERE.
THAT'S WHAT WE GOT GOING.
12 YEARS AND NO END IN SIGHT.
RIGHT?
OH, I GOT TO GO.
I GOT CHICKEN SOUP ON THE STOVE FOR YOU.
- MAYBE I DIED.
- YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE ALLOWED YOURSELF
TO BE IN THAT POSITION.
- MOM, SHE WASN'T GONNA DO ANYTHING, ALL RIGHT?
I WAS JUST HELPING HER TAKE DOWN THE TENT.
- A WOMAN DOESN'T GET A MAN INTO A TENT
UNLESS SHE'S GOING IN AFTER HIM.
- LISTEN,
PEGGY IS NOT ATTRACTED TO ME AT ALL.
- THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
I'M TELLING YOU,
THE THINGS YOU DO AND THE WAY YOU LOOK
CAN DRIVE A WOMAN CRAZY.
- AH, MA, PLEASE.
- LIKE YOUR SHY LITTLE SMILE...
- ALL RIGHT. THAT'S ENOUGH!
- AND YOUR SENSITIVE EYES.
- MA, I'M EATING HERE!
- AND LET'S NOT FORGET THOSE TIGHT PANTS--
- AHH!
MA!
- HE WON'T DO THAT AGAIN.