- I GOT TO TELL YOU, RAY,
THIS IS THE WORST BACHELOR PARTY I'VE EVER BEEN TO.
- I'M ENJOYING IT.
- COME ON.
IT'S HIS LAST CHANCE FOR FUN BEFORE HE MOVES OUT
AND BECOMES MR. AMY MACDOUGALL.
BESIDES, WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT?
YOU'VE WON EVERY HAND.
- IT'S THREE PEOPLE. I'M UP 35¢.
- HOW MANY YOU WANT?
- THREE.
[knock at door]
- ALL RIGHT...
WHAT'D YOU GUYS DO?
WHO'S THIS GONNA BE?
HECTOR?
- I NEED TO SHOW A GUY THE APARTMENT.
- YEAH, BUT, HECTOR,
I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BACHELOR PARTY.
- WE'LL JUST BE ONE SECOND.
THIS IS THE LIVING ROOM, AND HERE IS THE KITCHEN.
THE BEDROOM'S BACK THERE.
DON'T WORRY, I HAVE A CHEMICAL
THAT WILL COMPLETELY TAKE CARE OF THE SMELL.
- I'M KINDA LOOKING FOR SOMETHING A LITTLE BIGGER.
- BIGGER? NO, NO, NO.
HE'S LIVED HERE FOR FOUR YEARS,
AND HE'S MUY GRANDE.
- THAT'S OKAY.
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU GUYS.
- ALL RIGHT, SO WHERE WERE WE?
HECTOR.
- YOU SAID YOUR DISPOSAL IS BROKEN.
- I CALLED YOU THREE MONTHS AGO.
- SO HERE I AM.
- LOOK, HECTOR, IF...
[disposal rattling]
- ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
FORGET ABOUT IT. HOW MANY YOU WANT?
- GIVE ME TWO.
[pager beeping]
- OH, WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S MY BEEPER.
- SO.
- THIS IS THAT WAITRESS I MET.
SHE SAID SHE'D PAGE ME IF WE COULD HOOK UP AFTER WORK.
- WELL, SO CALL HER AND TELL HER YOU'LL SEE HER LATER.
- RAY, THIS GIRL IS INTO ME RIGHT NOW.
TIME IS MY ENEMY.
- WELL, WHOA, WAIT.
IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE PARTY.
- HEY, I'M SORRY, MAN.
I MEAN, YOU UNDERSTAND, RIGHT?
- OH, YEAH, OF COURSE.
I MEAN, I'M GETTING MARRIED, BUT I'M STILL A GUY, RIGHT?
- THANKS, ROBERT.
HEY, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR WEDDING.
AMY'S A GREAT GIRL. I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST.
LET'S GO, RAY.
- I'M NOT--I'M NOT GOING.
- MY CAR IS AT YOUR HOUSE, YOU IDIOT.
YOU'VE GOT TO DRIVE ME BACK.
- OH.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I'LL JUST- I'LL DRIVE HIM,
AND THEN-- AND THEN I'LL COME BACK FOR YOU.
- NO, LOOKIT, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
IT'S FINE, RAY.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? OF COURSE I'M COMING BACK.
THIS IS YOUR SPECIAL NIGHT.
[disposal rattling]
- NO, LISTEN, IT'S OKAY. IT'S GETTING LATE.
YOU PROBABLY HAVE A LOT OF STUFF TO DO TOMORROW.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT. YOU SURE?
- OH, YEAH, YEAH, THIS WAS FUN.
I HAD A GREAT TIME.
- YEAH, IT WAS FUN. - ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, YOU DOPE.
- WELL, ALL FINISHED.
- OH, THANKS, HECTOR.
- ROBERT,
LET ME ASK YOU JUST MAN TO MAN,
WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
- HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOME?
- NOTHING.
WE HAD THE PARTY, AND IT'S DONE.
- THE BACHELOR PARTY'S OVER ALREADY?
- YEP.
- RAY, IT'S 8:30.
- HEY, UH, I WANT SOME OF THIS JELL-O,
BUT I DON'T WANT TO GET A SPOON.
IS THAT GONNA UPSET YOU?
- RAYMOND, HOW COULD YOU?
- WHAT?
- WE JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH ROBERT.
- HE TOLD US ABOUT YOUR SO-CALLED PARTY.
YOU COMPLETELY LET HIM DOWN ON HIS SPECIAL NIGHT.
- WHAT? WE HAD A GOOD TIME.
- THEN WHY DID HE SOUND SO DEPRESSED?
- BECAUSE HE'S ROBERT.
- HE TOLD ME HE SPENT THE LAST HALF HOUR
GAMBLING WITH HIS SUPER.
- OH, WELL, SEE?
THE PARTY KEPT GOING EVEN AFTER I LEFT.
- HE LOST HIS SECURITY DEPOSIT.
- HOW IS THAT A PARTY?
- LOOK, THIS IS WHAT ROBERT WANTED.
WHEN WE TALKED ABOUT IT,
HE SAID, "DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL."
- WELL, OF COURSE HE SAID THAT.
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS, "DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL,"
IT ALWAYS MEANS MAKE A BIG DEAL.
- NO, NO. ROBERT DOESN'T DO THAT WOMANISH DOUBLE-TALK.
- ACTUALLY, HE'S BEEN TALKING ABOUT
A BACHELOR PARTY FOR MONTHS.
- HE HAS?
- YES; HE WAS ALL EXCITED
WONDERING WHAT YOU HAD IN STORE FOR HIM.
I'M SORRY, RAY.
I DON'T WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS.
I JUST THINK THAT MAYBE YOU...
REALLY SCREWED UP.
- OH.
- RAYMOND, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER PARTY.
- WHAT?
- YES, AND THIS TIME, DO IT THE WAY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO.
MAKE IT A BIG DEAL.
- DEBRA'S RIGHT.
- RAY, HE'S YOUR BROTHER.
MAKE IT SOMETHING HE'LL REMEMBER.
- ARE YOU GIVING ME PERMISSION TO GET A STRIPPER?
[together] NO.
- WELL, WHAT, THEN? WHAT ARE WE TALKIN' ABOUT?
- JUST MAKE A FUN PARTY, A BIG SHINDIG.
- A "SHINDIG"?
- OH, COULD HE INVITE MY FATHER AND MY BROTHER?
- OF COURSE HE CAN.
- WELL, WAIT A MINUTE; THEY HARDLY KNOW ROBERT...
OR LIKE HIM.
- YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, THIS PARTY COULD BE THE FIRST STEP
IN BRINGING EVERYBODY TOGETHER AND ENDING THE TENSION.
OOH, NOW I AM GETTING EXCITED.
- OOH, ME TOO.
- LISTEN, ASK FRANK IF HE CAN HAVE IT AT THE LODGE.
- HE CAN MAKE IT A SURPRISE PARTY.
- OOH, YES.
AND WHEN ROBERT COMES IN,
EVERYBODY SHOULD SING "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW."
- OH. CAN YOU IMAGINE HIS FACE?
- OH. AND I'LL TELL HIS COUSIN GERARD
TO BRING HIS ACCORDION.
- I LOVE GERARD.
OH, THAT SOUNDS WONDERFUL.
RAY, MAKE SURE WHEN YOU CALL THE GUYS
YOU TO TELL 'EM IT'S A SURPRISE PARTY.
- OH, THEY'LL BE SURPRISED.
- RAY, YOU'RE DOING THIS.
- I'M NOT HAVING A SHINDIGGY,
ACCORDIONIC SING-A-LONG AT THE LODGE.
I MEAN, DO YOU HEAR YOURSELVES?
THIS IS AS LAME AS IT GETS.
- NO, RAYMOND.
WHEN A PERSON BREAKS THE HEART OF HIS ONLY BROTHER...
THAT'S AS LAME AS IT GETS.
- ALL RIGHT.
- OOH, GOOD.
THANK YOU, RAYMOND.
- YES, THANKS, RAY.
- THIS IS A GOOD THING YOU'RE DOING.
YOU KNOW, WHETHER SOMEONE SAYS SO OR NOT,
EVERYBODY LIKES TO BE TREATED SPECIAL.
- LISTEN, IF YOU WANT TO TREAT ME SPECIAL RIGHT NOW...
- I'M A LITTLE TIRED.
I'VE GOT JELL-O.
- HEY, GARVIN.
- HEY, RAY'S HERE.
HA HA HA HA HA.
- LISTEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE OUTSIDE WATCHING FOR ROBERT.
COME ON.
- OH, YEAH. I'D BETTER GET OUT THERE.
HEY, LOOK OUT.
- RAY, YOU KNOW, THEY GOT NO ALCOHOL HERE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THERE'S A BAR RIGHT HERE.
- YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BRING YOUR OWN LIQUOR, DOPEY.
WE DON'T KEEP LIQUOR HERE AT THE LODGE.
- YOU GUYS SWIM NAKED TOGETHER.
YOU--YOU'RE TELLING ME THERE'S NO ALCOHOL INVOLVED?
- NO, WE LOST OUR LIQUOR LICENSE
AFTER VINNIE TRIED TO SHOOT AN OWL WITH A FLARE GUN.
- SO A BACHELOR PARTY WITH NO ALCOHOL.
NICE GOIN', RAY.
- HEY, RAY, CHECK IT OUT.
[playing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"]
- THAT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WHY DON'T YOU DO IT OVER THERE.
THIS WAY, WHEN HE COMES IN... YOU'RE OVER THERE.
- SURE. I'LL STAY LIMBER.
[continues playing]
- HEY, RAY,
LET ME USE YOUR BELT SO I CAN HANG MYSELF.
- COME ON, HUH? IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
- UH...YEAH, IT IS.
- HELLO, RAYMOND.
- OH, HEY. HI, HANK.
- WELL, IF IT ISN'T HICKORY AND DICKORY.
- HELLO, FRANK.
- HELLO, HICKORY.
- DAD, COME ON.
GUYS, I'M REALLY GLAD YOU COULD COME.
- WELL, AMY HAD A LONG TALK WITH ME,
AND SHE'S ASKED ME TO...
MAKE AN EFFORT WITH YOUR FAMILY.
- AND I'M GONNA MAKE AN EFFORT,
BECAUSE I'M A CHRISTIAN.
- HEY, RAY, YOU WANT TO LIVEN THINGS UP?
I'LL PUT IN A CALL TO CAROL.
SHE'S A REAL FAVORITE AT THESE KIND OF EVENTS.
- OH, MY.
- NO, THAT'S OKAY.
LOOK, STAN, NO STRIPPERS.
- GOOD FOR YOU, RAYMOND.
- NO STRIPPERS?
- COME ON.
- I HAD MY BOSS PAY ME IN SINGLES.
- WE'RE OUT OF HERE, RAY.
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. NO, YOU GUYS CAN'T LEAVE, MAN.
- NO DRINKING? NO STRIPPERS?
I'M A MARRIED MAN. YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.
- LOOK, I'M SORRY, ALL RIGHT? COME ON, GUYS.
EVERYBODY COME HERE, PLEASE.
LISTEN, EVERYBODY, PLEASE LISTEN TO ME.
I'M UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE HERE
TO MAKE SURE ROBERT HAS A GOOD TIME, OKAY?
NOW, I'M SORRY THERE'S NO DRINKS.
I'M SORRY THERE'S NO STRIPPERS.
[discontented chattering]
ALL RIGHT, I KNOW.
LOOK, WE COULD ALL WATCH TV TILL ROBERT GETS HERE, OKAY?
THERE, WATCH THE GAME.
EVERYBODY, PLEASE, JUST WATCH THE GAME.
HEY. HEY. HEY.
WHAT... WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
- IT'S THE BANNER YOU ORDERED.
- IT'S SUPPOSED TO SAY "CONGRATULATIONS, ROBERT."
- I THINK ON THE PHONE YOU SAID, "WOODY."
- NO. NO.
ROBERT. "CONGRATULATIONS, ROBERT."
I CAN'T USE THIS.
- WELL, WE'VE GOT SOME BALLOONS,
BUT WE CAN'T BLOW 'EM UP.
- LOOK, JUST GET SOMETHING.
WE'LL COVER UP THE "WOODY" PART.
JUST GET SOMETHING, AND WE'LL COVER IT UP.
- HEY, RAY.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
WHO'S WOODY?
- YOU ARE.
- WHAT?
[playing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"]
- * FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *
* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *
* WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY
- WHOO-HOO.
THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SING ALONG,
BUT I FORGOT TO TELL 'EM.
- WOW.
SO ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE HERE...FOR ME?
- YEAH, YEAH, IT'S YOUR, UH, SURPRISE BACHELOR PARTY.
SURPRISE.
[all, weakly] SURPRISE.
- WOW.
I HAD NO IDEA. THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, WHEN MOM TOLD ME TO COME DOWN HERE
WITH A CHANGE OF PANTS FOR DAD, I WAS PREPARED FOR THE WORST.
- YEAH.
- BUT YOU ALREADY HAD A PARTY FOR ME AT MY APARTMENT.
- YEAH, BUT THAT WAS LAME.
OR--OR THE DECOY OR SOMETHING.
THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT?
- OH.
- HE'S COMING.
- YEAH, UH...
HE'S ACTUALLY RIGHT HERE, GARVIN.
- OH.
I SAW HIM GET OUT OF THE CAR.
BUT THEN I MUST HAVE DOZED OFF.
- WOW, RAYMOND.
SO YOU DID ALL OF THIS FOR ME, HUH?
- YEAH.
- THE PLACE LOOKS GREAT.
- YOU LIKE THIS?
- WHO WOULDN'T?
- WELL...THAT'S GREAT.
ALL RIGHT, GOOD. I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAPPY.
- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, RAYMOND?
YOU'RE GLAD THAT I'M HAPPY?
- YEAH. ACTUALLY, YEAH.
HEY, HEY. LOOK WHO'S HERE.
- HELLO, ROBERT.
CONGRATULATIONS.
- YEAH, DUDE.
- HOW ARE YOU?
YOU KNOW, I GOTTA TELL YA,
THAT YOU TWO CAME REALLY MEANS A LOT TO ME.
- YEAH, IT'S GOOD. IT'S NICE.
HANK, YOU WANT SOME SODA?
- ACTUALLY, I NEVER DRINK CARBONATED BEVERAGES.
- SO HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- OH, I'M DOING GREAT.
I MEAN, THIS IS NICE.
IT'S NICE TO HAVE ALL THESE FRIENDS HERE.
- YEAH.
SO, UH, AMY TOLD ME
THAT RAY THREW YOU ANOTHER ONE OF THESE PARTIES LAST WEEK.
LIKE, UH, A REALLY BAD ONE, HUH?
- YEAH. YEAH, THE DECOY.
- OH...THAT WAS A DECOY.
JEEZ, WELL, YOU KNOW, NOW I'M CONFUSED,
BECAUSE, UM, I HAD HEARD THAT BECAUSE OF THAT ONE,
AMY, DEBRA, AND YOUR MOM
FORCED RAY INTO THROWING THIS ONE.
YEAH.
NO, I MEAN, JEEZ, AMY BEGGED US TO COME,
BUT, UH...
HEY, IT TURNED OUT GREAT, RIGHT?
LOOK, EVERYONE'S HAVING A BLAST.
JEEZ.
YOUR BROTHER MUST REALLY LOVE YOU, THERE...
WOODY.
RAY, HEY, HAPPENIN' PARTY.
- WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
- WHAT?
- WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO HIM?
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
DAD?
I THINK I'M GETTING ONE OF MY DIZZY SPELLS.
DO YOU THINK MAYBE WE COULD LEAVE NOW?
- BUT WE JUST GOT HERE.
- YOU KNOW, RAY, I WOULD LOVE
TO STAY HERE AND TALK WITH YOU,
BUT I AM REALLY GETTING LIGHT-HEADED HERE, SORRY.
IS SOMEONE WEARING A CITRUS-BASED COLOGNE?
COME ON, DAD--
- NO, NO. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
- HEY, HEY, HEY.
NOW, DON'T GO ALL MAFIA ON ME HERE, OKAY?
- MAYBE WE SHOULD GO HOME, SON.
YOU CAN LIE DOWN IN THE VAN.
RAYMOND, THANKS SO MUCH FOR INVITING US.
I ENJOYED THE FACT THAT YOU DIDN'T HAVE STRIPPING WOMEN.
- WHY DIDN'T YOU PUNCH THAT GUY IN THE NOSE?
- ALL RIGHT, DAD, NOT NOW, OKAY?
- I WAS READY TO DECK THAT HANK.
- OKAY, EVERYBODY GO BACK TO PARTYING. GO.
HEY, LISTEN, ROBERT, SORRY, YOU KNOW, ABOUT HIM.
HE'S CRAZY. YOU KNOW HIM.
HE'S PETER, PETER, RITALIN EATER.
- IT'S TRUE WHAT HE SAID, RAYMOND, ISN'T IT?
- WHAT?
- WELL, THAT THE GIRLS MADE YOU THROW ME THIS PARTY
AND THAT THE OTHER ONE WASN'T A DECOY AND...
THAT THAT WAS ALL YOU WERE GONNA DO.
- NO, MAN. NO. NO.
- NOW, NOW, LOOK, RAYMOND, IT'S OKAY.
I KNOW YOU.
I KNOW THAT SOMETIMES YOU CAN BE A LITTLE SELFISH
AND THOUGHTLESS... DISHONEST.
YOU REMEMBER HALLOWEEN...
1967?
YOU UNWRAPPED A CHOCOLATE BAR OUT OF MY BAG
AND REPLACED IT WITH A CAT POO.
- I'M SORRY.
I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR BEING MAD AT ME.
- I'M NOT MAD AT YOU, RAYMOND.
AND YOU KNOW WHY?
- BECAUSE SOMEWHERE THERE'S A CAT POO WAITING FOR ME?
- NO.
IN SPITE OF ALL OF THIS,
WHEN YOU SAID THAT YOU WERE HAPPY,
THAT I WAS HAPPY,
YOU MEANT THAT.
AND THAT WAS THE BEST SURPRISE.
- YEAH, OKAY-- - NO, NO.
NO, YOU...YOU MEANT THAT.
AND THAT MEANS THE MOST TO ME.
I'VE GOT TO HUG YOU. COME HERE.
- HEY, YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE AND GET SOME DRINKS?
- THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
- HEY, HEY, GUYS, WE'RE HITTIN' A BAR.
- WHOO. - LET'S GO.
- HEY, LOOK. THEY SERVED CAKE.
- GOOD OL' WOODY.
- TRY ONE OF THESE.
both: HI.
- HELLO, LADIES.
- DID YOU BOYS HAVE A GOOD TIME?
- YES, WE DID.
- SO GOOD THAT WE HAD TO TAKE A CAB HOME.
- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL THEM EVERYTHING?
HI, MOMMY.
- OH, I LOVE TO SEE YOU BOYS LIKE THIS.
- LOADED?
- NO, HAPPY. LOOK AT THEM.
- SO THE PARTY WAS A BIG SUCCESS, HUH?
- THE PARTY...STUNK.
BUT NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE
OF THE AFTER PARTY.
- YES. - NO.
- YES. - YES. HAH.
- UH-OH.
SO WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO?
- ENOUGH TALKING.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE ME HOME.
- OH, MY.
- I BET THERE WERE STRIPPERS.
WERE THERE STRIPPERS?
- NO.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.
HI.
- OH, GOD. EVERY WOMAN'S DREAM.
- I CAN IMAGINE WHAT'S WAITING FOR ME AT HOME.
GOOD NIGHT.
- SHALL WE?
- I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU LIKE THIS.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA THROW UP, ARE YOU?
- I ALREADY DID.
- [sighs]
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
- NOTHIN'.
BUT I KNOW I'M GOIN' UPSTAIRS WITH ONE OF YOU TWO.