- HEY, DEBRA, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
TOMORROW, BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
IS AMY'S AND MY THREE-MONTH ANNIVERSARY.
- OH! WHAT TIME'S THE PARADE?
- AND WE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE YOU-- DEBRA--
OVER TO CELEBRATE, AND YOU CAN BRING SOMEBODY.
- OH, THAT'S SWEET.
- CAN'T MAKE IT. - WE'LL BE THERE.
- NOPE. - YUP.
DO THE LAUNDRY.
- HOW 'BOUT I SHRINK YOUR UNDERWEAR
AND MAKE YOU THINK YOUR BUTT'S GOING FAT?
- TROUBLE IN PARADISE?
- NO, JUST WEDNESDAY IN PARADISE.
- CARE FOR SOME ADVICE?
- NO.
- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'VE FOUND
TO BE THE KEY TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE.
- SAYS THE MAN WHO MARRIED A STRIPPER,
THEN DIVORCED A STRIPPER,
THEN MARRIED A REGULAR PERSON
AND--AND HUNG IN THERE A WHOLE THREE MONTHS.
- WANT A HAPPY MARRIAGE?
HOLD HANDS.
- HOLD HANDS? - HOLD HANDS.
- YOU'RE A STUPID PERSON.
- I'M SERIOUS.
SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS HOLDING HANDS
COULD GIVE SOMEONE A SENSE OF TOGETHERNESS.
- STOP IT!
- YOU ARE SO AFRAID OF AFFECTION.
- YOU DON'T TOUCH ME.
- RAYMOND, RAYMOND, RAYMOND,
YOU'RE SO CLOSED OFF.
HOLDING YOUR WIFE'S HAND COULD BE PLEASURABLE FOR YOU,
AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY,
IT MIGHT ALLOW HER TO FEEL WANTED AND LOVED BY YOU.
- HOW DOES THAT GET ME OUT OF LAUNDRY?
- IF YOU COULD CONNECT WITH YOUR WIFE EMOTIONALLY,
THEN PERHAPS YOU WOULDN'T SEE DOING LAUNDRY AS A CHORE.
YOU MIGHT DO IT WILLINGLY,
FOR HER, AS A GESTURE OF LOVE.
- YOU ARE AN IDIOT WRAPPED IN A MORON.
- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M WRAPPED IN--
A GOOD AND HEALTHY MARRIAGE.
- YEAH, WELL, WRAP IT UP TO GO.
- YEAH, WELL, FINE.
I FOUND SOMETHING THAT WORKS,
I'M TRYING TO PASS IT ON,
BUT, HEY, IF YOU'RE HAPPY WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE...
WHAT'S THIS FOR?
- YOU'RE A BOOB.
- I'M SORRY, RAY. I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
- I JUST--JUST WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND.
- WHY?
- I GOT TO HAVE A REASON?
I WANTED TO HOLD YOUR HAND, SO I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND.
- OH.
OKAY.
I NEED TO TURN THE PAGE.
- STUPID ROBERT. - WHAT?
- HE GAVE ME ADVICE: "HOLD HANDS."
OKAY, SO I TRIED. YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T LIKE IT.
STUPID ROBERT.
- ROBERT GAVE YOU ADVICE?
- YEAH, MARRIAGE ADVICE...
TO ME...
ABOUT MARRIAGE...
ADVICE...
TO ME.
- SO THAT WAS ROBERT'S ADVICE YOU WERE TRYING?
- YEAH, YEAH, "HOLD HANDS."
HE'S MARRIED THREE MONTHS; HE'S ON THE LECTURE CIRCUIT.
- SO YOU WERE TRYING TO DO SOMETHING FOR OUR MARRIAGE?
- YUP. YOU KNOW WHAT,
I'M GONNA CALL HIM AND TELL HIM HOW IT WENT.
- NO, NO, NO.
LISTEN, I-I DIDN'T REALIZE.
COME ON. LET'S TRY AGAIN.
- WHAT?
- YEAH, COME ON. WHY NOT?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO HAVE SEX OR SOMETHING,
BUT THIS IS NICE.
- YEAH? - YEAH.
- YEAH, AND THIS I CAN DO A LONG TIME.
JUST, UH, ONE THING.
WOULD YOU MIND NOT SCRUNCHING IT?
- WHAT?
- YEAH, I FORGOT.
YOU HAVE THIS WAY OF, LIKE, LINING UP MY KNUCKLES
AND KINDA GRINDING THEM.
- OH. SORRY.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S PROBABLY WHY I DON'T HOLD HANDS MORE.
- THAT'S NOT WHY.
- YES, YES, IT IS. THAT'S WHY--
THE TERRIBLE PAIN.
- WELL, I MEAN, GIVE ME SOMETHING.
YOUR HAND'S JUST LAYING THERE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "JUST LAYING THERE"?
- WELL, THIS IS NOT HOLDING HANDS.
THIS IS LAYING IT ON THERE.
- MAYBE MY HAND'S AFRAID OF YOU, SO IT'S PLAYING DEAD.
- WELL, IF ANYTHING, I'M TRYING TO GIVE IT CPR,
MR. CADAVER HAND.
- ALL RIGHT, SEE? SEE? I KNEW THIS WOULDN'T WORK.
THERE'S NO POINT IN DOING SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY LIKE BEING MAD AT ME.
- WHAT? - YES, YOU DO.
IT'S FUN FOR YOU OR SOMETHING.
YOU ACTUALLY PREFER IT THAT WAY.
- OH, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU! - SEE?
YOU'RE MAD, JUST LIKE YOU LIKE.
- RAY, IF I'M MAD, IT'S NOT BECAUSE I ENJOY IT.
- WELL, WHY, THEN? - BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN TEN YEARS, YOU HOLD MY HAND, BUT IT'S ONLY BECAUSE
YOU WANT TO PROVE YOUR BROTHER WRONG,
AND THEN YOU SAY I'M GRINDING IT UP
BECAUSE I ENJOY BEING MAD.
OKAY. FORGET IT. FORGET IT.
EVERYTHING IS FINE, AND YOU ARE PERFECT.
WHO'S ROBERT TO GIVE YOU ADVICE?
YOU DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM ANYBODY.
- DEB... - I SAID FORGET IT.
- NO, LOOK. LOOK, I'M SORRY, OKAY?
THAT WASN'T THE ONLY REASON I DID IT,
JUST TO PROVE ROBERT WRONG.
I-I ALSO DID IT...
TO HELP OUR MARRIAGE.
OKAY? 'CAUSE WE--WE HAVE A GOOD, HEALTHY MARRIAGE
THAT I'M VERY MUCH INTO.
VERY MUCH.
- YOU CAN STOP NOW.
- OH, COME ON.
COME ON.
YOU KNOW YOU STILL LOVE MR. CADAVER MCFLOPPYHAND.
- STOP IT.
- COME ON.
COME ON. HOLD MY FLIPPER.
- DO YOU CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL?
- WHAT? YES, OF COURSE I CARE ABOUT YOU.
IT'S ROBERT, OKAY?
I DON'T NEED ROBERT SEEING YOU LIKE THIS TOMORROW
AT HIS-- AT HIS THREE-MONTH JUBILEE
GOING, "TROUBLE IN PARADISE?"
- NO, THIS IS NOT ROBERT'S FAULT.
THIS IS YOUR FAULT,
BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING.
IT'S THE SAME OLD STORY.
- NO, STOP, WAIT A MINUTE. LET ME SAY ONE THING.
OKAY, JUST, COULD WE MAKE UP FOR TOMORROW NIGHT?
- WHY?
- BECAUSE ROBERT THINKS HE HAS A BETTER MARRIAGE THAN ME.
- SO WHY DON'T YOU WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE?
- OKAY, BUT THIS THING IS TOMORROW NIGHT,
AND I'M GOLFING IN THE MORNING, SO JUST...
LOOK...
PLEASE...
FOR NOW, JUST FOR NOW,
COULD WE JUST PRETEND THAT WE MADE UP?
YOU KNOW, MY MOTHER'S GONNA BE THERE.
- SO?
- SO... COMPARING YOU TO AMY,
COMPARING YOUR MARRIAGE TO AMY'S MARRIAGE,
COMPARING THE NEW WIFE TO THE...
YOUR MARRIAGE.
DOING A WIFE-TO-WIFE COMPARISON.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
- YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
- FEELS PERFECTLY FINE.
WE DON'T NEED HER.
DEB, LISTEN.
LOOK, I KNOW-- I KNOW THIS IS GONNA SOUND--
WHATEVER. I'M--I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT, OKAY?
I SCREWED UP.
I JUST-- IT WAS TOTALLY MY FAULT,
AND YOU WERE RIGHT TO FEEL WHATEVER YOU FEEL.
AND JUST I'M SORRY, HONEY. I LOVE YOU.
- NICE TRY.
[doorbell rings]
- HEY. COME ON IN.
- HEY. HI, HEY, WE'RE HERE.
HOW WE DOING, POOPS? - STOP IT.
- OKAY. WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME YOUR JACKET?
- NO. - YOUR HAIR LOOKS NICE.
- NO, IT DOESN'T.
- HI. WE'RE ALMOST READY. - OH, GREAT.
- YOU TWO ARE LATE. PEOPLE ARE HUNGRY.
- SORRY. IT'S KIND OF HARD
TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, YOU KNOW, THE KIDS.
- BECAUSE OF THAT BABYSITTER, ISN'T IT?
I MEAN, THE ONE WHO WEARS THOSE ROCK AND ROLL T-SHIRTS.
I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE WITH HER.
- SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.
- CAN I GIVE YOU A HAND THERE, LITTLE LADY?
- OH.
- SHE HAS ONE OF THOSE "KISS THE COOK" APRONS,
BUT SHE DOESN'T NEED IT.
- OH, THAT WAS SO SWEET:
YOU TWO CELEBRATING YOUR ANNIVERSARY LIKE THIS.
WE USED TO BE HAPPY. REMEMBER, FRANK?
- THEN THE METEOR HIT AND KILLED ALL THE DINOSAURS.
EXCEPT FOR ONE.
- AHEM. HELLO.
- OH, EXCUSE ME.
I WAS JUST GETTING A LITTLE DESSERT.
- [giggling] ROBERT.
- I CAN'T HELP IT!
- OH, THIS IS EXCITING. THREE MONTHS!
- I KNOW IT'S A LITTLE SILLY TO CELEBRATE THREE MONTHS.
- NO, NO, IT'S WONDERFUL. ENJOY IT. IT'S NICE.
- WELL, YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT'S BEEN GETTING HERE,
AND THE WEDDING WAS A LITTLE BUMPY, BUT...
IT'S BEEN EVERYTHING I HOPED FOR.
- AWW.
- YOU KNOW, I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU.
- WHAT DID I DO?
- YOU INTRODUCED ME TO ROBERT.
AND THEN YOU HELPED ME GET OVER HIM
AND GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM,
GET OVER HIM AGAIN, AND THEN MARRY HIM.
AND SO NOW I WANT TO HELP YOU.
- WITH WHAT?
- YOUR MARRIAGE.
HERE. I READ THIS GREAT BOOK.
I THOUGHT OF YOU THE WHOLE TIME.
- "MARRIAGE IS AN AMUSEMENT PARK."
- ISN'T THAT A GOOD ANALOGY?
- OH, WELL, I THINK I GET IT--
THE UPS AND DOWNS, LIKE A ROLLER COASTER.
- YEAH. BUT THAT'S JUST ONE CHAPTER.
THERE'S "HAUNTED HOUSE," "THE HALL OF MIRRORS,"
"RIDE MAINTENANCE."
- HOW ABOUT THE RIDES THAT MAKE YOU THROW UP?
- THAT'S GREAT.
BUT THEY'RE ALL IN HERE, AND THE POINT IS...
YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE ALL THE ATTRACTIONS,
BUT YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THE WHOLE PARK.
THIS IS THE COUPLE THAT WROTE IT.
THEY'RE BOTH LICENSED CLINICAL SOCIAL WORKERS,
BUT THEY'RE FUNNY TOO.
- YEAH, THEY LOOK FUNNY.
- YEAH, THEY'RE FUNNY...
BUT THEY CAN HELP.
- WELL, GREAT.
THANKS.
OOH, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS. THANKS.
OKAY, WELL, I'M JUST GONNA GO...
OUT THERE.
- IN THOSE DAYS, IT ONLY COST 50 CENTS
TO SEE A MOVIE.
- AND YOU GOT TWO MOVIES, A NEWSREEL,
AND A STAGE SHOW.
YOUR MOTHER HAD TO KEEP IT SHUT FOR FIVE HOURS.
- AND YOU REMEMBER, THEY USED TO GIVE YOU PLATES?
YOU COULD MAKE A WHOLE SET.
REMEMBER WE GOT THE GREEN ONES.
WE DIDN'T LIKE 'EM, WE BROUGHT THEM BACK?
- YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT I GOT IN THE KITCHEN.
- WHAT?
- MARRIAGE ADVICE FROM AMY.
- WELL, UNLESS THE ADVICE WAS MORE SEX, HOW DARE SHE?
- SHE GAVE ME THIS BOOK BECAUSE SHE THINKS I NEED IT.
- WHO ARE THESE TWO IDIOTS?
- CAN YOU BELIEVE AMY?
I MEAN, SHE'S BEEN MARRIED FOR THREE MONTHS.
SHE PROBABLY STILL SHAVES HER LEGS.
- [scoffs]
- GIVING YOU ADVICE.
- I KNOW!
- DON'T YOU THINK IT'S COOL
HOW I'M NOT RUBBING YOUR FACE
IN HOW OBVIOUSLY WRONG YOU WERE?
- DINNER IS SERVED.
OKAY, LET'S ALL SIT DOWN.
- OH, DOESN'T THAT LOOK NICE, AMY.
- OH, THANKS.
- ONE CHICKEN?
- THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.
NOW I WOULD LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST...
TO MY BRIDE.
- AWW.
- 90 DAYS-- THAT IS WHAT WE HAVE SHARED.
90 DAYS,
THE USUAL SENTENCE FOR VAGRANCY.
BUT I NEVER KNEW
THAT SUCH A SHORT TIME COULD BE SO FULL OF JOY.
- OH, ROBERT.
- AND YET THE TIME HAS ALSO GONE SO QUICKLY.
90 DAYS.
- YEAH, HOW MANY DAYS IS THIS GONNA TAKE?
- RAYMOND.
NO, NO, - THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T WANT TO GET OVERLY SENTIMENTAL.
I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I THINK WE ALL KNOW
HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND TRUE LOVE IN THIS WORLD,
AND I THINK THAT I...
WAS ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES.
SO, AMY, NO MATTER HOW LONG WE'RE TOGETHER,
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE...
FOREVER MY LOVE.
- PASS THE BEANS, WILL YA? - YEAH, HERE.
- I GUESS I SHOULD REALLY
SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MY HUSBAND NOW.
- YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.
- FOR THE LOVE OF JOE.
- WHAT?
- NO, NOTHING. IT'S FINE. GO RIGHT AHEAD.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHAT'S WRONG?
- IT'S JUST THAT YOU TWO
ARE POURING IT ON A LITTLE THICK,
DON'T YOU THINK?
- IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY.
- IT'S BEEN THREE MONTHS.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, I SPENT THREE MONTHS
JUST WAITING FOR HIM TO COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
- I SPENT TEN MONTHS
JUST WAITING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS
YELLING, "COME ON. YOUR HAIR LOOKS FINE."
- I'VE HAD 3 1/2 YEARS OF HIM JUST BURPING.
- I'M BURPING YOUR FOOD.
- YEAH, I SHOULD PROBABLY POISON YOURS.
- MAYBE THAT'D GIVE IT SOME FLAVOR.
- HEY, YOU LISTEN HERE-- - HOLD IT.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
- YES, THIS IS UNSEEMLY.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
DID WE OFFEND YOU SOMEHOW?
- I THINK I CAN EXPLAIN, AMY.
YOU SEE, THEY'RE JEALOUS.
- WHAT? WHY?
- BECAUSE WE...ARE HAPPY.
- OH, GIVE ME A BREAK.
- YEAH, AND DON'T GIVE US ANY MORE BOOKS
LIKE "MARRIAGE IS A CIRCUS. EMBRACE YOUR CLOWN."
- I DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET YOU WITH THAT.
- WHAT BOOK?
- IT'S A MARRIAGE GUIDE.
IN FACT, MARIE, I GOT YOU AND FRANK ONE.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY WOULD YOU GET US A MARRIAGE BOOK?
- YEAH, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN THAT SUBJECT.
- I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT FIND IT USEFUL.
- YOU'RE GIVING US ADVICE ABOUT MARRIAGE?
- THAT'S WHAT THEY DO, MA.
- I'M JUST TRYING TO BE HELPFUL.
- THESE MAY NOT BE THE PEOPLE TO HELP.
- I'M SORRY, EVERYBODY.
I GUESS I JUST DON'T SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS.
- AMY, OUR MARRIAGE IS FINE.
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE PRESUMPTUOUS OF YOU
TO THINK THAT YOURS IS BETTER?
- HIGHLY PRESUMPTUOUS.
- I NEVER SAID IT WAS BETTER.
IT'S JUST, YOU CAN'T HELP NOTICING THINGS.
- LIKE ALL THE YELLING.
- OH, WHAT? SO YOU THINK YOU'RE NOT GONNA YELL?
- AMY, THERE'S GONNA BE SCREAMS COMIN' OUT OF YOU,
AND THEY WON'T BE BECAUSE YOU'RE ON MR. TOAD'S WILD RIDE.
- THIS IS WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT, ROBERT.
- HEY, LOOK, DON'T TALK ABOUT US, ALL RIGHT?
WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF, HUH?
WHY DON'T YOU TWO GO HOLD HANDS?
- YEAH, OVER EACH OTHER'S MOUTHS.
- [laughs]
YEAH, YEAH. GOOD ONE.
- YOU TRY TO HELP PEOPLE...
- WELL, WHO ASKED YOU?
- JEALOUS! - YOU JERK.
- BAD HUSBAND! - YOU BIG BOOB!
- WHOA! WHOA!
- NOT TODAY, MAN! THOSE DAYS ARE OVER!
- MAKE IT TODAY! - THEY'RE OVER!
- LET'S MAKE IT TODAY. - THEY'RE OVER, BUDDY.
- STOP IT!
STOP IT!
NOW SIT DOWN.
- [whispering]
- SIT DOWN.
NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME.
MAYBE YOU COULD ALL USE SOME ADVICE
FROM SOMEONE WHO'S IN A POSITION TO GIVE IT.
- SEE WHAT YOU DID, AMY?
- YOU THINK WE HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER?
WE'VE BEEN MARRIED 46 YEARS.
WE'VE SEEN THE LOWS, AND WE'VE SEEN THE HIGHS.
- WHAT DAY WAS THE HIGH?
- YOU TWO--YOU'RE NEWLYWEDS. YOU'RE IN LOVE.
GOD BLESS YOU, YOU KNOW NOTHING.
AND YOU TWO, YOU'RE ALWAYS FIGHTING,
AND THE REASON YOU GET SO UPSET
IS BECAUSE YOU THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT.
LOOK AT US.
THIS IS EXPERIENCE. THIS IS WISDOM.
- THIS IS JUICY.
- YOU WANT SOME REAL MARRIAGE ADVICE?
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THE SECRET NOW.
THERE'S GONNA BE YELLING.
THERE'S GONNA BE ANGER.
DON'T FIGHT IT. ACCEPT IT.
YOU LOVE HIM. YOU HATE HIM.
HE DISGUSTS YOU. LOOK HOW HE EATS.
YOU KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN, AND YOU PLOW THROUGH.
- AMEN.
- BUT, MARIE, YOU SAID "HATE."
HOW CAN HATE HAVE ANY PLACE IN A MARRIAGE?
- YOU MAKE ROOM.
THERE'S GONNA BE HATE. HATE IS REAL.
MARRIAGE IS REAL.
WE MIGHT FIGHT, BUT...
WE'RE OKAY WITH EACH OTHER.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHY? WE'VE ENDURED.
WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT ALL,
AND NOW...
- WE'RE WAITING FOR DEATH.
- NOT THAT WE'RE IN A RUSH.
- FAIR ENOUGH.
- THAT'S A MARRIAGE.
- TO ROBERT AND AMY.
- TO RAY AND DEBRA.
- TO MARRIAGE.
- TILL DEATH DO US PART.