- HEY.
I'M OUTSIDE WAITING IN THE CAR FOR 20 MINUTES.
- COMING!
- [groans] YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO YOUR HAIR.
I MARRIED YOU ALREADY.
I'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE.
- YEAH. YEAH, YOUR MINUTE,
IT'S A HALF AN HOUR.
THAT'S WHY THE KIDS CAN'T TELL TIME.
- I SAID I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.
- WE CAN TELL TIME.
- I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW.
HEY, COME ON, WE'RE GONNA MISS THE PREVIEWS!
- YOU KNOW, WE'RE NOT STUPID.
- I KNOW. I KNOW.
COME ON. YOU KNOW I NEED MY SEAT BY THE AISLE.
- IT'S 7:23.
- DON'T TELL ME. TELL YOUR MOTHER!
HELLO! THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY AISLE SEATS.
- REMIND HER YOU HAVE A SMALL BLADDER.
- MA, PLEASE.
- HEY, QUIT YELLING. I CAN'T HEAR.
GO BACK TO THE CAR.
- I'M GONNA WAIT IN THE CAR.
I HAVE A SMALL BLADDER, YOU KNOW.
- THAT'S TRUE.
YOU REMEMBER HIS LITTLE LEAGUE GAME?
- HEY.
- WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?
- BECAUSE YOU'RE MY HUSBAND,
AND THAT IS THE FLATTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.
- HMM. YEAH.
- ARE YOU STILL MAD BECAUSE WE MISSED A COUPLE OF PREVIEWS?
- YEAH, AND WE HAD NO TIME FOR POPCORN,
I HAD TO SIT IN THE MIDDLE, I GOT UP TO THE BATHROOM,
EVERYBODY'S LIKE, "THIS GUY AGAIN?"
YEAH, OKAY, GREAT NIGHT.
- RAY, I'M VERY SORRY
THAT THERE WERE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE THEATER.
- EVERY SINGLE TIME WE GO OUT, YOU MAKE ME WAIT.
- WHAT? THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- EVERY SINGLE TIME.
YOU KNOW HOW I HATE BEING LATE.
IT MAKES ME VERY ANXIOUS.
I GET ALL UHH-EGH INSIDE.
- WELL, RAY, IF I'M LATE,
MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT REQUIRES
THAT ONE OF US TENDS TO THE CHILDREN.
- DON'T GIVE ME THAT.
THE CHILDREN ARE NOWHERE NEAR YOU WHEN YOU'RE UP HERE...
- YOU ARE ONE UGLY WOMAN.
- BLAMING THE CHILDREN.
YOU WERE DOING THIS TO ME BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED.
YOU'D MAKE ME WAIT IN YOUR APARTMENT
WHILE YOU WERE GETTING READY,
AND I HAD TO SIT THERE AND LOOK AT YOUR BOOKS.
- YOU USED TO THINK I WAS WORTH WAITING FOR.
- YOU WERE WORTH WAITING FOR,
BUT AFTER 15 YEARS, YOU SHOULD BE HERE BY NOW.
- WHAT CAN I SAY, RAY? I CAN'T HELP IT.
- YOU CAN HELP IT. YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO.
IT'S ALL ABOUT CONTROL. YOU WANT THE CONTROL.
THAT'S RIGHT-- I LISTEN TO TALK RADIO.
- I'M CONTROLLING?
WHAT ABOUT YOU YELLING UP THE STAIRS,
"HURRY UP! LET'S GO! SMALL BLADDER!"
THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANYBODY GO ANY FASTER.
- OH, YOU SEE? YOU DO DO IT ON PURPOSE.
- NO, I'M NOT DOING IT ON PURPOSE,
BUT YOU MAKE ME ANXIOUS WHEN YOU YELL.
AND THEN I GET ALL "UHH," TOO.
- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. MY FATHER HAD A SYSTEM--A.I.S.
WHEN WE WERE KIDS
AND WE WOULD GO ON A CAR TRIP,
HE WOULD SET A TIME--
"WE'RE LEAVING 9:00! A.I.S.!"
- "A.I.S."?
- "ASS IN SEAT."
IF ANYONE'S ASS
WAS NOT IN THEIR SEAT AT THE DESIGNATED TIME,
THAT ASS WAS LEFT BEHIND.
- SO IN THE FALL,
DID YOU HAVE TO SET YOUR ASS BACK AN HOUR?
- HA-HA. YEAH.
YEAH, GO AHEAD. LAUGH.
YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME.
- WHAT?
- WHEN I'M WAITING IN THE CAR
AND YOU'RE UP HERE LA-DI-DA-ING,
IT'S PERFECTLY CLEAR THAT... YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME.
- OH...OKAY, RAY,
I'M SORRY THAT IT FEELS THAT WAY TO YOU,
BUT I PROMISE YOU THAT IS NOT WHAT'S GOING ON.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- NO, REALLY. I MEAN IT.
WHAT TIME ARE THE ESPY AWARDS TOMORROW?
- OH, NO, THAT'S RIGHT-- THE ESPY AWARDS.
YOU'RE GONNA DO IT AGAIN, AREN'T YOU?
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME LATE FOR MY FAVORITE NIGHT OF THE YEAR.
- I DON'T WANT TO BE LATE FOR IT EITHER.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS NIGHT OUT
ALL YEAR LONG TOO.
I EVEN BOUGHT A GREAT NEW DRESS.
- OH! A NEW DRESS! PLEASE!
LET ME JUST SAVE US TIME RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
THE SHOES GO PERFECT, AND IT MAKES YOU LOOK SKINNY.
OKAY, SO PLEASE,
COULD YOU JUST PUT IT ALL ON NOW
AND GO SLEEP IN THE CAR?
- WHAT TIME DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE TOMORROW NIGHT?
- WELL...
I WANT TO GET THERE FOR THE APPETIZERS--
- OH, GOD. - WHAT?
LAST YEAR WE MISSED THE BACON-WRAPPED SHRIMP.
SO WE SHOULD LEAVE HERE NO LATER THAN...6:30.
- 6:30.
- YEAH? - 6:30, A.I.S.
AND YOU WON'T BE YELLING UP THE STAIRS.
- I WON'T HAVE TO.
6:30. - 6:30.
- I'M A VERY GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN.
[sighs]
- OH, RAY, YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME!
ROBERT, DOESN'T RAY LOOK HANDSOME?
- YEAH, I'LL TAKE A TABLE FOR TWO NEAR THE BACK.
- SORRY, WE DON'T SERVE CIRCUS PEOPLE.
WHAT--WHAT TIME YOU GOT?
- 6:25.
- YOU DON'T GOT 6:26?
- I WILL IN A MINUTE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
- NOTHING. NOTHING.
DEBRA AND I HAD A DEAL THAT SHE'D BE IN THE CAR AT 6:30,
AND I PROMISED NOT TO YELL UP THE STAIRS,
"WE GOT TO GO. COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
MY NEXT WIFE ISN'T GONNA DO THIS."
THINGS OF THAT NATURE, YOU KNOW? YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I'M GONNA WAIT IN THE CAR.
WHEN DEBRA COMES DOWN,
TELL HER THAT I AM PATIENTLY WAITING IN THE CAR
AND NOT YELLING THINGS UP THE STAIRS!
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT MA SEES IN HIM.
- SO.
THREE MINUTES TO SPARE. MM-HMM.
- * BE, BE-BE, BE, BE-BE, BE-BE-BE *
* OOH, OH, OH, AH, BAH-BAH
- OH, GREAT.
- W-I-N-S NEWS TIME, 6:29.
- THAT IS CORRECT.
[groaning]
- RAY, COULD I GET A HAND HERE?
[watch beeping]
- [sighs]
DOES NOT CARE ABOUT ME.
[engine turns over]
- AMY, CAN YOU HELP ME?
WHERE'S RAY? - HE'S IN THE CAR.
- OKAY, JUST TELL HIM I'M COMING.
YEAH, I KNOW.
- RAY!
RAYMOND!
- OW! OW! OW! OW! - I'M SORRY!
THIS IS REALLY STUCK!
- I KNOW. JUST...
- HE'S GONE.
- HE LEFT?
- I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOU DON'T JUST DRIVE OFF AND LEAVE A PERSON.
- HEY, DEBRA, WANT ME TO DRIVE YOU OVER THERE?
- YES, ROBERT WILL DRIVE YOU OVER THERE.
COME ON, DEB.
DON'T LET THIS RUIN YOUR BIG NIGHT OUT.
LOOK AT YOU ALL DRESSED UP.
YOU'RE LIKE A BEAUTY QUEEN.
ISN'T SHE LIKE A BEAUTY QUEEN?
- YES, LIKE, UM...
AN ANGRY MISS NEW YORK.
- AND I LOVE YOUR SHOES.
- YES, MIGHTY FINE KICKS YOU HAVE THERE, MIGHTY FINE.
AND YOUR HAIR IS...
NICELY ACCESSORIZED.
- WHY WOULD RAY DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
- I'VE BEEN SAYING IT FOR 40 YEARS,
HE'S A TERRIBLE PERSON.
- OH, GOOD. GO GET THE CAR. - I'LL GET THE CAR.
- DON'T BOTHER, ROBERT.
- OH, NO, DEB. COME ON.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- YEAH, YOU CAN'T LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU.
- DON'T WORRY, ROBERT.
HE WILL PAY.
[cable dragging]
- [laughs]
- WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
- COME. SIT, MY DEAR.
I'VE GOT US RINGSIDE SEATS.
- HEY, RAY! - RAY!
- BERNIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I'M ANDY'S DATE.
- IT'S NOT EXCLUSIVE.
WE'RE ALLOWED TO SEE OTHER GUYS.
- SO WHERE'S DEBRA?
- DEBRA? OH, UH...I LEFT WITHOUT HER.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- SHE WASN'T READY ON TIME, SO I LEFT.
- SO...IS SHE COMING?
- PERHAPS.
SHE'S A LICENSED DRIVER. SHE'S GOT ACCESS TO A CAR.
EVERYTHING SHE NEEDS TO GET HERE WHEN SHE'S GOOD AND READY.
HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
- I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WOMEN,
BUT ISN'T THIS GONNA MAKE HER MAD?
- IT SHOULDN'T.
WE HAD A DEAL. THE TIME WAS SET.
SHE DIDN'T MAKE IT. GOOD-BYE.
BACON-WRAPPED SHRIMP.
- WOW.
YOU'RE MY HERO.
GOOD FOR YOU, RAY.
LINDA KEEPS ME WAITING ALL THE TIME.
DRIVES ME NUTS.
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THE LOOK ON HER FACE
IF I DROVE OFF WITHOUT HER.
[gasping]
SHE'D JUST BE STANDING THERE ALL DRESSED UP
THINKING I'M GONNA COME BACK TO GET HER.
BUT THEN I DON'T.
AND EVERY SECOND THAT GOES BY, SHE GETS MADDER AND MADDER,
TURNING RED...
PACING UP AND DOWN...
CURSING ME OUT.
OH, MAN, I COULD NEVER DO WHAT HE DID!
- [laughs]
- I GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU, RAY.
RAY?
RAY, ARE YOU OKAY?
- OH, MY GOD, WHAT DID I DO? WHAT DID I DO? WHAT DID I DO?
- YOU LEFT WITHOUT HER.
YOU STRUCK A BLOW FOR ALL MEN.
- I LEFT WITHOUT HER.
SHE WAS GETTING DRESSED UP FOR THIS, AND I-I JUST--
- YOU STRUCK A BLOW! - SHUT UP, BERNIE!
I'M A DEAD MAN!
- SO DEBRA IS MAD.
HEY, I GUESS I DO KNOW A LITTLE ABOUT WOMEN.
- HELLO.
- HEY! - OH, HI!
- WE JUST GOT BACK FROM THE OPERA.
WE HAD A MARVELOUS TIME.
- YEAH? YOU TOO, DAD?
- YEP. SLEPT LIKE A BABY.
- PLACIDO WAS MAGNIFICENT.
- PLACIDO SHOULD CHANGE HIS NAME TO SNORE-IO.
- RAYMOND.
DON'T YOU LOOK NICE?
- YES, WELCOME HOME, RAYMOND.
WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
- OH, LOOK. ARE THOSE FLOWERS FOR ME?
- I THINK THEY'RE FOR RAYMOND'S FUNERAL.
- DID I MISS SOMETHING?
WHAT--WHAT'S GOING ON?
- DEBRA WAS READY TO GO OUT TONIGHT,
BUT HER CURLING IRON GOT STUCK,
AND RAY LEFT WITHOUT HER.
- HE A.I.S.-ED HER.
- YOU A.I.S.-ED HER?
YOU LEFT?
- HER "A" WASN'T IN THE "S."
- WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, RAY?
- YES, WHY, RAY? WHY?
TERRIBLE PERSON, PERHAPS?
- I WAS JUST TRYING WHAT DAD USED TO DO.
- OH, I NEVER DID THAT.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU DID IT TO US ALL THE TIME.
- YEAH, YOU AND ROBERT,
BUT I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO THE WIFE.
THAT'S JUST SUICIDE.
- YOU NEVER A.I.S.-ED MOM?
- HE'S STILL HERE, ISN'T HE?
- MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL GO.
- [shushing]
WHERE WERE WE?
- OH, JUST SHUT UP, OKAY? YOU'RE NOT PERFECT!
- NEVER SAID I WAS, BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I DO SAY,
I AM MORE THAN HAPPY TO WAIT FOR MY WIFE.
AND I'M SURE THAT AMY WILL ATTEST TO THE FACT
THAT I HAVE WAITED FOR HER PLENTY OF TIMES
WITH NARY A PEEP.
- WHEN HAVE I EVER MADE YOU WAIT?
- WELL, NO, NO--YOU KNOW.
WE ALWAYS GET TO WHEREVER WE'RE GOING ON TIME,
BUT WHEN IT'S TIME FOR US TO LEAVE,
YOU ALWAYS LIKE TO TALK TO EVERYBODY ONE LAST TIME,
BECAUSE YOU'RE SO SWEET AND SOCIABLE.
SO IT...TAKES YOU A LITTLE LONGER TO GO.
BUT--BUT IT'S CUTE, HONEY, WHAT YOU DO.
A-A-AND WHEN ANYONE ASKS ME
WHY AM I JUST STANDING AT THE DOOR DOING NOTHING,
I TELL THEM, "I'M WAITING FOR MY WIFE.
SHE'S ON HER GOOD-BYE TOUR."
AND EVERYBODY LAUGHS.
- "THE GOOD-BYE TOUR"? YOU HAVE A NAME FOR IT?
- A FUNNY NAME.
[laughing anxiously]
- MARIE DOES THE SAME THING, ALWAYS YAPPING.
- I'M TALKING TO PEOPLE, FRANK.
I'M A PEOPLE PERSON.
- YEAH?
WELL, THE PEOPLE COULD USE A BREAK FROM YOU.
- YOUR MOTHER'S RIGHT.
SOME OF US CARE ABOUT PEOPLE--NOT CLOCKS.
- WELL, SOMETIMES YOU CARE MORE ABOUT PEOPLE THAN YOU DO ME.
- YES! I TOO AM PEOPLE.
- AND ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOU.
- WHO WENT TO THE STUPID, BORING OPERA WITH YOU?
WHICH, BY THE WAY, WE WERE LATE FOR
BECAUSE IT TAKES YOU AN HOUR TO PAINT YOUR FACE.
- THAT WAS FOR PLACIDO.
- A MIME TROUPE OUTSIDE THE THEATER
TRIED TO SIGN HER UP.
- IF I'M SO MUCH TROUBLE,
I'M NEVER GONNA GO ANYWHERE WITH YOU AGAIN.
- THIS EVENING TURNED OUT PRETTY WELL AFTER ALL.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU.
- CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING, ROBERT?
- HERE WE GO.
- WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO ANXIOUS TO LEAVE WHEREVER WE GO?
HOW COME YOU'RE NEVER SATISFIED WITH WHERE YOU ARE?
- I'M VERY SATISFIED NOW.
- I WISH YOU WOULD SEE DR. GREENBERG.
- AGAIN WITH GREENBERG.
- I JUST THINK YOU COULD BE HAPPIER.
- DO WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS HERE?
- HONEY, I JUST WANT YOU TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT WHO YOU ARE.
- I AM FANTASTIC ABOUT WHO I AM!
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT GONNA DO THIS, OKAY?
JUST FORGET IT, ALL RIGHT?
GOOD-BYE. GOOD-BYE. GOOD-BYE. END OF TOUR.
- WHY ARE YOU AFRAID TO BE HEALTHY?
- THEY'RE MESSED UP, HUH?
YEAH...
IT'S FUNNY HOW EVERYBODY
SORT OF HAS THE SAME STUFF GOING ON, RIGHT?
I LIKE YOUR EARRING.
[laughs]
ALL RIGHT...
OKAY, LOOK...
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT,
BUT WE HAD A DEAL.
IT WAS 6:30.
ALL RIGHT, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOUR HAIR
GOT ALL SNAGGLED UP IN YOUR CURLING POLE,
AND I LEFT.
I LEFT, AND--AND...
THAT WAS WRONG.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU--YOU-- IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.
YOU SAY YOU DON'T MEAN TO BE LATE,
BUT YOU ALWAYS ARE.
YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT WE'RE GONNA LOOK BACK
AND WE'RE GONNA SEE THAT WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT
WAS A STEP FORWARD IN OUR RELATIONSHIP.
AND--AND...
YOU KNOW, EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE THE ONE
WHO BROKE OUR AGREEMENT...
I BROUGHT YOU THIS LOVELY SPORTS-THEME BOUQUET.
NOW, I'M GLAD THAT WE COULD JUST PUT THIS WHOLE MATTER BEHIND US.
- I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THIS MORE UPSTAIRS.
- OKAY. OKAY.
ARE YOU COMING?
- I'LL BE UP IN A MINUTE.
[laughs]
- [moaning]