- HEY.
- HI, ROBERT. - HEY.
- LOOK, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GOT ME ANYTHING
FOR MY BIRTHDAY YET, BUT--
- WELL, I WAS GONNA BUY YOU A HAT,
BUT EVERY TIME I TOLD THEM YOUR HEAD SIZE,
THEY'D HANG UP ON ME.
- TERRIFIC.
NO, ALL I WANT THIS YEAR IS THE PEACE OF MIND
OF KNOWING THAT YOU AND YOURS ARE SECURE IN YOUR OWN HOME.
- WHAT?
- YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE NEWEST SALES REP
FOR CASTLEDOOR HOME SECURITY SYSTEMS.
I'M GONNA BE MOONLIGHTING A FEW HOURS A WEEK.
- REALLY? - YEAH, I THOUGHT I'D TRY
TO BRING HOME A LITTLE EXTRA CASH.
- OH, WELL, THAT'S GREAT, ROBERT.
- CASTLEDOOR-- THAT'S THE AD WITH THE...
THE KING SLAMMIN' THE GATE ON THE MASKED ROBBER?
- YEAH. KING SAFE-N-SOUND.
SO, I, UH, COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICING THAT, UH,
YOU GUYS DON'T CURRENTLY HAVE A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM.
- [groans]
UH-HUH, OKAY, HERE WE GO.
- [clears throat]
IN TODAY'S WORLD, IT IS A SAD FACT
THAT MOST LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT
CAN'T SEEM TO RESPOND TO AN EMERGENCY
AS QUICKLY AS ONE WOULD HOPE...
SOMETIMES...NOT AT ALL.
- YOU DO KNOW YOU'RE A POLICEMAN, RIGHT?
- WELL, RESEARCH SHOWS THAT WHEN A WOULD-BE INTRUDER
SEES THE CASTLEDOOR SIGN POSTED ON THE FRONT LAWN...
HE MOVES ON.
- SOLD. WE'LL TAKE ONE OF THOSE SIGNS.
- IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.
- WELL, BUT IF THE GUY DOESN'T LOOK--
- DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY, RAYMOND!
- LISTEN, ROBERT, I MEAN, I KNOW CRIME IS BAD,
BUT DO WE REALLY WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY,
YOU KNOW, ALWAYS BEING AFRAID,
HIDING BEHIND AN ALARM?
WE'LL TAKE THIS ONE.
- OKAY, SO YOU COULD SET THE DOOR ALARMS,
OR THE MOTION SENSORS, OR BOTH AT ONCE.
IT'S UP TO YOU.
YOU SEE, WITH CASTLEDOOR, YOU'RE THE KING.
- I DON'T NEED AN ALARM
TO SCARE AWAY CROOKS FROM MY HOME.
I KEEP AN OLD BAT FOR THAT.
- YOU BETTER WATCH IT, FRANK. ROBERT'S VERY PERSUASIVE.
THIS IS HIS FIFTH SALE,
AND HE'S ONLY BEEN AT IT A WEEK.
- ACTUALLY, I HAD AN INTERESTING CONVERSATION
WITH MY BOSS TODAY.
- KING SAFE-N-SOUND?
- NO, HIS SON RICKY.
AND HE SAID HE'S LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY FULL-TIME,
AND HE WOULD LOVE FOR ME TO COME ABOARD.
- REALLY? - YEAH.
AND I BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT.
I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- YOU MEAN RETIRE FROM THE FORCE?
- OH! WONDERFUL!
OH, ROBBIE.
HOW LONG HAVE I WANTED TO GET YOU INTO
A SAFE, NORMAL JOB, HONEY?
HOW LONG?
- OH, A LONG TIME, MA.
- OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BIRTHDAY AT OUR HOUSE THIS YEAR.
I'LL MAKE A BIG PARTY. - WAIT, MARIE.
ROBERT, I'M A LITTLE SURPRISED
TO HEAR YOU TALKING ABOUT RETIREMENT.
- WHY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- MARIE, I KNOW THE JOB CAN BE DANGEROUS.
I WANT HIM TO BE SAFE.
BUT I ALSO WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY.
ROBERT, YOU LOVE BEING A POLICE OFFICER.
- WELL, SURE, I DO, SWEETIE. YOU KNOW THAT.
IT'S JUST...
WHAT DOES EVERYBODY ELSE THINK?
- I THINK YOU SHOULD RETIRE NOW.
I MEAN, WE CAN'T HAVE POLICEMEN RUNNING AROUND
THAT ARE FRANK'S AGE.
- I'LL FIGHT ANY ONE OF YOU NOW.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK IT'S A BIG DECISION,
AND YOU SHOULD GO HOME AND MAKE IT YOURSELF.
- YEAH, HEY, MAYBE EVERYBODY SHOULD GO HOME.
- ROBERT, YOU'VE ALWAYS SAID THAT WEARING THAT UNIFORM
GIVES YOU SUCH SELF-CONFIDENCE.
YOU KNOW HOW EVERY DAY YOU PUT ON THAT BADGE
AND SQUAT DOWN TO LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR.
- BUT HE'S SUCH A GREAT ALARM SALESMAN.
YOU HEARD WHAT RICKY SAFE-N-SOUND SAID.
- MARIE, PLEASE.
- I'M JUST TALKING.
SINCE WHEN IS THERE A LAW
AGAINST ME EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS?
- I'VE BEEN TRYING TO PASS THAT LEGISLATION FOR YEARS.
- MARIE, YOU CAN SAY HOW YOU FEEL,
BUT I'M ALSO SAYING HOW I FEEL.
- AND YOU FEEL THAT ROBERT SHOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME.
- ROBERT HAS BEEN LISTENING TO YOU.
I THINK MAYBE THAT'S WHY HE'S TALKING ABOUT
RETIRING SO EARLY-- TO MAKEYOUHAPPY.
- THAT IS NOT TRUE.
IS THAT TRUE, ROBBIE?
TELL HER IT'S NOT TRUE.
TELL HER RIGHT NOW.
TELL HER.
- I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S--IT'S, UH...
WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?
- ROBERT, IF YOU WANT TO RETIRE, RETIRE.
I WANT YOU TO DO WHATEVER MAKESYOUHAPPY.
- I THINK RETIRING WOULD MAKE HIM HAPPY.
YOU KNOW, THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN PEOPLE CARED ABOUT WHAT I THINK.
- YOU KNOW, ROBERT, I THINK I WANT TO HAVE
YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY AT OUR PLACE.
- UM...
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL HAVE TWO PARTIES--
THAT ONE AND THE OFFICIAL ONE.
- IS THAT OKAY?
- MARIE, WITH ALL THE TENSION,
I THINK WE'VE LOST SIGHT OF THE FACT
THAT IT'S GETTING VERY CLOSE TO MY DINNERTIME.
- OKAY. FINE.
I'M NOT FEELING VERY COMFORTABLE HERE ANYWAY.
OH, ROBERT, I JUST WANT TO SAY,
YOU SHOULD ALWAYS TRUST
THAT LITTLE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD.
IS YOUR LITTLE VOICE SAYING, "RETIRE,"
OR IS IT SAYING, "DON'T RETIRE"?
LISTEN CAREFULLY.
- A LONG TIME AGO, MY LITTLE VOICE
TOLD ME NOT TO DO SOMETHING...
BUT I DID IT ANYWAY.
NOW I'M STUCK WITH A GREAT BIG VOICE.
- WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR AFTER-MARIE LIQUOR?
- WE DON'T HAVE ANY LIQUOR; WE DON'T--
- TOP CABINET, BEHIND THE CREAM OF WHEAT.
[alarm beeping]
- OH, STUPID IDIOT.
[beeping stops]
- WELL, WHAT SET IT OFF THIS TIME?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK I PUT MY SOCKS ON TOO LOUD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU AGREED TO THROW A BIRTHDAY PARTY
FOR THE GUY WHO'S RUINING OUR LIVES.
[door opens]
- HI. - HEY.
[alarm wailing] - UGH!
IT'S STILL DOING IT, ROBERT,
MOTION SENSORS STILL GOING OFF
FOR NO REASON AT ALL.
- YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, THE EXCALIBUR 2000
CAN BE A LITTLE BUGGY.
YOU KNOW, FOR JUST AN EXTRA $24.99 A MONTH,
I COULD INSTALL AN UPGRADE.
- YEAH, HOW ABOUT I INSTALL MY FOOT RIGHT UP YOUR--
- RAY!
both: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, UNCLE ROBERT.
- THEY FIGURED OUT HOW TO DODGE THE MOTION SENSORS.
- SO, DEBRA...
I DIDN'T GET TO HEAR YOUR OPINION YESTERDAY.
DO YOU THINK I SHOULD RETIRE?
- ROBERT.
HE'S BEEN ASKING EVERYONE WHAT HE SHOULD DO.
HE TALKED TO ANDY AND GIANNI, HIS PARTNER JUDY,
THE GUY SHE WAS HANDCUFFING.
- I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S AN IMPORTANT DECISION,
AND EVERYONE HAS A DIFFERENT OPINION.
- YOU'RE ONLY ASKING EVERYONE
'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO BE MAD AT YOU!
- YEAH, HOW'S THAT GOIN'?
- THIS IS RIDICULOUS. - WELL, I AGREE.
AND I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
I DON'T THINK ROBERT SHOULD RETIRE.
- SEE? SHE AGREES WITH ME, AND SHE'S THE NORMAL BARONE.
- UH, TECHNICALLY, I'M NOT A BARONE.
- HOW ABOUT YOU, RAY? CARE TO WEIGH IN?
- YEAH, I-I THINK YOU STINK AT EVERYTHING.
FIX MY ALARM!
- LET'S JUST DO THIS, FRANK.
- WHY DOESN'T THE ALARM GO OFFNOW?
- HELLO. - HELLO.
- YOUR MOTHER WOULDN'T WRAP YOUR PRESENT,
SO I PUT IT IN A COAT.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
YOU DON'T GET THE COAT.
- LISTEN, MA AND AMY, I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR COMING TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY,
AND I HOPE WE CAN HAVE A GOOD DAY.
MAYBE A DAY TO RELAX AND REMEMBER--
[alarm beeping]
- HOLY CRAP! - COME ON!
WE'RE NOT ROBBERS! WE LIVE HERE!
WE--
OKAY, LOOK, JUST SHUT IT DOWN.
SHUT THE WHOLE DAMN SYSTEM DOWN.
- ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
I'LL PUT IN AN OVERRIDE CODE.
NOBODY LOOK.
- FRANK, DON'T YOU WANT TO TELL ROBERT SOMETHING?
- OH, YEAH.
I THINK YOU SHOULD RETIRE.
- COME ON, FRANK.
- I'M SORRY, BUT MARIE IS MY WIFE,
AND IF I CAN'T SUPPORT HER IN THIS,
THEN SHE'LL BE LIKE
AN ICE-PICK IN MY EAR UNTIL I DIE.
[doorbell rings]
- CAREFUL.
- UH, AM I ALLOWED TO OPEN IT?
- THE DRAWBRIDGE IS DOWN.
- HELLO. - OH, HEY, HI.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROBERT.
- HI, MOM AND DAD.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I INVITED THEM BECAUSE I WANTED THEM
TO BE HERE FOR ROBERT'S PARTY.
- IS SOMETHING WRONG?
- NO. IT'S A PARTY.
- ALL RIGHT, ACTUALLY, I'M-- I'M TRYING TO DECIDE
WHETHER I SHOULD RETIRE FROM THE FORCE OR NOT.
YOU KNOW, AND EVERYBODY, OF COURSE,
HAS ALL SORTS OF OPINIONS, AND, YOU KNOW--
WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO?
- YOU'RE INVOLVING THEM IN YOUR DECISION?
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
I THINK THEY COULD BRING A FRESH PERSPECTIVE.
- I THINK HE SHOULD RETIRE.
- WHAT? NO. MOM!
HE'S ONLY THINKING OF RETIRING
BECAUSE IT'S WHAT SHE WANTS HIM TO DO.
- OH, BUT, HONEY, BEING A POLICE OFFICER
IS SUCH A DANGEROUS JOB.
I WOULD THINK YOU WOULD WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR HIM.
- THAT'S A LOVELY BLOUSE, PAT.
- I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS.
MOM, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE SAFETY.
IT'S ABOUT WHAT ROBERT WANTS TO DO--
- SWEETIE, YOU'RE RAISING YOUR VOICE.
WE DON'T DO THAT.
- TOO LATE, LADY. SHE'S ONE OF US NOW.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, WHAT I THINK--
[alarm beeping] OH, SOMEONE, HELP!
- PIECE OF JUNK!
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
IT'S--IT'S NOT ACCEPTING MY OVERRIDE CODE!
I PUT IN THE CODE... IT'S...
[beeping stops]
- WHERE'S THAT IN THE MANUAL?
- YOU MIGHT WANT TO CALL TECH SUPPORT.
AND MAYBE GET ME A BUCKET OF ICE.
- I DIDN'T GET ROBBED TILL I GOT AN ALARM.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT, NOW, UNTIL TECH SUPPORT GETS HERE,
I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK EVERYBODY NOT TO MOVE AT ALL.
FREEZE!
- I WAS GOING TO SAY,
BEFORE THAT ALARM SET MY HEART INTO ARRHYTHMIA...
THAT I DON'T THINK ROBERT SHOULD RETIRE.
- THANK YOU, DADDY.
- NO MOVING, PLEASE!
- YOU SEE, I RESPECT WHAT YOU DO, ROBERT.
- OH. THANK YOU, SIR.
- AND I ENJOY TELLING PEOPLE
THAT MY SON-IN-LAW IS A POLICEMAN,
BUT IF YOU WERE TO RETIRE...
WELL, I GUESS I COULD STILL TALK ABOUT YOUR UNUSUAL HEIGHT.
- [sighs]
- WHAT'S THAT, MOTHER?
- NOTHING.
IT'S JUST THAT YOU HEARD HOW CONCERNED I WAS
ABOUT HOW HIS DECISION WOULD AFFECT AMY,
AND I DON'T SEE WHY YOU COULDN'T JUST SUPPORT ME.
- WE'LL DISCUSS THIS LATER.
- OKAY.
BUT WE WON'T.
- SO I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO GO ALONG WITH YOU,
NO MATTER HOW I FEEL?
- I DO IT FOR YOU.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - STOP IT!
- WELL, I DON'T ALWAYS LIKE THE VACATIONS WE HAVE TO TAKE.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG?
- WE GO THERE EVERY YEAR.
THERE'S NEVER ANYTHING NEW.
AND I HATE TO BREAK THIS TO YOU,
THERE NEVER WILL BE.
- THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO GRAND.
- YES, FOR YOU.
AND I GO ALONG WITH WHAT YOU WANT AND I NEVER SAY A WORD.
- TAKE NOTES, MARIE.
- MY HUSBAND IS AS STUBBORN AS AN OX TOO.
BUT AT LEAST ON THIS ISSUE,
HE KNEW ENOUGH TO STAY IN LINE.
- "STAY IN LINE"?
HEY, I MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS.
- OF COURSE YOU DO, FRANK.
- THAT'S IT!
ROBERT, YOU SHOULD STAY A COP!
IN FACT, YOU SHOULD BE A MOTORCYCLE COP.
WITH NO HELMET.
IN FACT, YOU SHOULD RIDE AN EVEL KNIEVEL ROCKET-CYCLE.
- STOP IT, FRANK!
YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO CAUSE TROUBLE.
THAT'S ALL YOU EVER DO.
[alarm beeping] OH! OH, MY...
- JEEZALOO! I'M SORRY!
THIS ONE SOUNDS JUST LIKE MARIE!
- OH.
- YEAH, I SPOKE TO TECH SUPPORT.
THEY SAID I SHOULD SLAM YOUR HEAD INTO IT!
- WHO DID YOU GET OVER THERE?
- NEVER MIND THAT, ROBERT!
THE POINT IS THAT MOST OF US
THINK YOU SHOULD RETIRE.
- THAT'S NOT TRUE, MARIE! I NEVER SAID THAT--
- OH, GREAT. NOW SHE'S GOIN' OFF.
- RAY, THIS IS IMPORTANT!
- IT'S NOT FOR US TO DECIDE.
ROBERT'S WOMEN GOT HIM SCREWED UP ENOUGH.
- OH. EXCUSE ME?
- I'M NOT SCREWING HIM UP.
- THIS IS PART OF BEING A FAMILY, RAY!
- OH, MY GOD! ROBERT, COME WITH ME.
YOU IDIOT, COME HERE.
- OH, MY...OOH.
CAN'T SOMEBODY STOP IT?
- TAKE THIS WHOLE SYSTEM OUT.
- NO, IT'S...
IT GIVES YOU A HEADACHE. WOW.
[beeping stops]
- WOW. THAT WAS EASY.
I SHOULD'VE MARRIED THIS.
- OKAY, LOOK, YOU GOT TO MAKE A DECISION, ALL RIGHT?
'CAUSE YOU GOT EVERYBODY MAD AT EVERYBODY,
AND INNOCENT BYSTANDERS ARE GETTING YELLED AT
BY THEIR MEAN WIFE DEBRA.
NOW, YOU--YOU GOT TO MAKE A DECISION.
YOU...NOW.
- I CAN'T DO IT MYSELF, ALL RIGHT?
MY WHOLE LIFE I'VE ALWAYS LET OTHER PEOPLE
MAKE THE BIG DECISIONS FOR ME.
YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD, YEAH?
WELL, MINE JUST KEEPS GOING,
[high pitched] "WHAT'RE YOU ASKING ME FOR?
WHAT'RE YOU ASKING ME FOR?"
- SO--SO YOUR LITTLE VOICE IS AN EFFEMINATE MOUSE?
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
COME ON, YOU'VE...
YOU'VE MADE DECISIONS ON YOUR OWN.
YOU HAVE.
LIKE, OKAY, NOBODY KNEW YOU WERE GONNA ASK YOUR FIRST WIFE
TO MARRY YOU, RIGHT?
- THAT'S TRUE.
- I DECIDED ALL ON MY OWN TO MARRY A WOMAN
WHO THEN DUMPED ME FOR A GUY I ARRESTED.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I SHOULD TRUST MY KEEN INSTINCT.
- WELL, WHAT ABOUT AMY?
- OH, YEAH, I LOVE AMY,
BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN HAD THE GUTS TO ASK HER TO MARRY ME
IF I DIDN'T FEEL THAT PRESSURE FROM EVERYONE ELSE.
THERE'S NO WAY.
- WELL...
[sighs]
MA, WE CAN SEE YOUR FEET.
[door closes]
- GOD, SHE HAS BEEN ON ME SINCE THE DAY I SIGNED UP.
[imitating Marie] "DON'T GO.
YOU'RE WAY TOO BIG A TARGET."
- SO WAIT A MINUTE...
DAD DIDN'T WANT YOU TO BE A COP EITHER, RIGHT?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
HE WANTED ME TO WORK AT THE CARVEL ICE CREAM STORE
SO HE COULD GET FREE FUDGIE THE WHALES.
- SO--SO YOU JOINED THE FORCE BY YOURSELF?
- YEAH, I GUESS.
- WELL, I'D SAY THAT'S A PRETTY BIG DECISION,
WOULDN'T YOU, HUH?
I MEAN, JUST OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL.
MOM DIDN'T WANT YOU TO JOIN, DAD DIDN'T WANT YOU TO JOIN.
I'M SURE I WAS NO HELP.
- YOU JUST KEPT ASKING ME IF I'D BE WORKING UNDERCOVER
AS THE WORLD'S BIGGEST TRANSVESTITE.
- [chuckles]
I SAID THAT? THAT'S FUNNY.
OKAY, BUT YOU DID IT ANYWAY,
AND I WOULD SAY THAT IT WORKED--
25 YEARS.
- 27.
- OKAY, SO...
- SO IF YOU CAN DECIDE TO BECOME A COP,
WHY CAN'T YOU DECIDE IF YOU WANT TO STAY ONE, HUH?
GOD, IT'S YOUR LIFE, MAN.
SO COME ON, WHAT DO YOU DEEP DOWN REALLY WANT TO DO?
- OKAY.
I WANT TO DANCE.
- WHAT?
- DANCING. I'M A GOOD DANCER.
- NO, NO, ROBERT, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE A DANCER.
- WELL, YOU SAID DEEP DOWN.
- OKAY, BUT YOU'RE IN YOUR 40s.
IT'S TIME TO GO A LITTLE LESS DEEP.
- CHOREOGRAPHER?
- NO, ROBERT! COME ON!
STOP TRYING TO AVOID MAKING A DECISION!
YOU WANT TO BE A COP, OR DO YOU WANT TO BE AN ALARM SALESMAN?
- I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- NO! NO!
A COP...
OR AN ALARM SALESMAN.
- UM...
- OKAY, LOOK, LOOK, JUST FINISH THIS SENTENCE--
I'M A...
- COP.
- OKAY. GOOD.
NOW, WHY'D YOU SAY, "I'M A COP"?
- BECAUSE YOU SAID, "I'M A"AND NOT, "I'M AN."
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT, BUT...
BUT YOU WANT TO BE A COP, RIGHT?
- WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS YOU WANT ME TO.
WILL YOU--NO-- ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
JUST FINISH THIS SENTENCE-- "MY OCCUPATION--"
- TOO LATE. I'M A COP.
- OKAY, BUT YOU DECIDED IT.
- YEAH.
I'M A COP.
- YES, YOU ARE.
UH...
OKAY.
- MA!
MA, I'M GONNA STAY A COP.
RAYMOND SAID I SHOULD.
[door shuts]
- OH, ALL RIGHT, JUST TAKE IT EASY.
LISTEN, MA...
JUST...
I STOPPED HIM FROM BEING A DANCER.
ROBERT, TRIP THE ALARM!