- AMY, THIS ROAST IS SO TASTY.
- YES, HONEY, IT IS DELICIOUS.
- THANKS.
ROBERT MADE THE POLICE BLOTTER THIS WEEK.
- WOW! WHAT WENT DOWN, MAN?
A SHOOT-OUT WITH SOME SMACK AND CRACK HEADS?
- NO, NO. NOTHING SO EXCITING.
IT JUST SAID, "MAILBOX DEFACED. UNIT RESPONDED."
- HE WAS THE UNIT.
- OH.
- YOU KNOW, ROBERT, I ALWAYS WANTED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.
- WHAT IS THAT, SIR?
- WHY DO YOU TOUCH YOUR FOOD
TO YOUR CHIN
BEFORE YOU PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH?
- DAD.
- NO, NO. THAT'S OKAY, AMY.
- YOU KNOW, I NOTICED THAT TOO.
WHY DO YOU DO THAT, ROBERT?
- IT'S--IT'S NOTHING.
IT'S JUST A LITTLE HABIT OF MINE, THAT'S ALL.
- YEAH. HE HARDLY EVER DOES IT.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
EVERY FAMILY HAS THEIR ODDBALL.
WITH US, IT'S MOM.
- BUT WHY DO YOU DO IT?
ARE YOU USING YOUR CHIN
TO TEST THE TEMPERATURE OF YOUR FOOD?
- OH, THAT'S SILLY, HANK.
HE'D HAVE A BIG, RED MARK ON HIS CHIN
EVERY TIME THE FOOD WAS TOO HOT.
- THAT'S TRUE.
SO IT'S NOT THAT.
- THAT'S WHERE HIS MOUTH WAS WHEN HE GOT HERE.
HE'S STILL GROWING.
- HOW DOES EVERYBODY LIKE THE SWEET POTATOES?
- OH, YEAH. HEY, YOU BETTER GET 'EM BEFORE I EAT 'EM ALL UP.
[laughter]
- CUCKOO, CUCKOO!
- PETER, STOP.
I DON'T THINK IT'S CUCKOO AT ALL.
MAY I HAVE A NAPKIN, PLEASE?
- YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
THAT THAT CHIN THING WAS JUST A NERVOUS HABIT.
- BUT WHAT DID HE HAVE TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT LAST NIGHT?
WE WERE HAVING DINNER WITH MY FAMILY.
OH.
- BY THE WAY, IT'S NOT JUST YOUR FAMILY
THAT STRESSES HIM OUT.
- WHAT, ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM
WITH MY FAMILY?
- ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT ROBERT BARONE
HAS PLENTY OF REASONS TO DEVELOP A NERVOUS HABIT OR TWO.
I MEAN, ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE, HE'S A POLICEMAN.
THE CHIN THING IS CLEARLY A MANIFESTATION OF STRESS.
WHAT?
I TOOK BEHAVIORAL PSYCHOLOGY IN COLLEGE.
- SO YOU THINK THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN FIX HIM,
BUT YOU KNOW, ANYTHING YOU CAN DO
TO MAKE HIM LESS STRESSED, I'M SURE THAT COULDN'T HURT.
- WHY DON'T YOU GET ONE OF THOSE FUNNELS
THAT DOGS WEAR AROUND THEIR NECK
AND JUST THROW THE FOOD IN THERE?
- AMY, LET'S GO IN THERE.
- WHAT? WHAT?
I'M TRYING TO HELP MY SISTER-IN-LAW,
WHO MARRIED A MAN WITH STINKEROO FEET
AND A CHIN DISORDER.
- HEY.
- HELLO.
HOW ARE YOU?
- HOW WAS YOUR DAY, YOGI?
- OH, GOOD. PRETTY QUIET.
HIT A LITTLE TRAFFIC COMING HOME.
- OH, I'M SORRY. YOU HATE TRAFFIC.
- AH, THAT'S OKAY.
OOH, WHAT SMELLS GREAT?
- WELL, THAT JUST MIGHT BE YOUR FAVORITE FOOD.
- RIBS FRA DIAVOLO?
- WITH STEAK AND MASHED POTATOES.
AND BACON AND A KEY LIME PIE.
- IS MY MOM HERE?
- NO, NO, JUST ME AND YOU,
AND NOBODY'S MOM OR DAD OR BROTHER.
- WOW. HERE, LET ME HELP YOU. I'LL SET THE TABLE.
- NO, NO. I WANT YOU TO SIT.
YOU JUST RELAX BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT A BIG MEAL AHEAD OF YOU
AND AFTER THAT...
- OH!
- WELL, IF I'D KNOWN THIS WAS WAITING FOR ME,
I WOULD'VE DRIVEN HOME WITH THE SIREN ON.
- WELL, I KNOW YOUR JOB CAN BE VERY STRESSFUL,
SO I WANT TO HELP REDUCE THE STRESS.
- WELL, THEN. VERY NICE.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN ON THE FORCE FOR 27 YEARS,
SO I'M USED TO STRESS.
AND YOU KNOW MY MOTTO WHEN I'M ON THE BEAT--
"DON'T BE AFRAID TO PULL THE TRIGGER...
ON YOUR SMILE."
- I LOVE THAT MOTTO.
- I KNOW. ME TOO, ME TOO.
- YOU ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- NOTHING.
- IS SOMETHING WRONG? - WHAT?
- WELL, YOU WERE TOUCHING FOOD TO YOUR CHIN.
- EXCUSE ME?
- YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN.
LOOK, I'M SORRY,
BUT I THOUGHT YOU DID THAT BECAUSE OF STRESS.
ARE YOU STRESSED? IT'S OKAY IF YOU'RE STRESSED.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF YOU'RE STRESSED.
ARE YOU STRESSED?
- MAYBE A LITTLE BIT NOW.
WHY ARE YOU BUGGING ME ABOUT THIS?
- NOBODY'S BUGGING YOU, SWEETIE.
WE ALL JUST WANT TO HELP.
- WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WE ALL"?
WHO'S "WE"? - NOBODY.
JUST SOME OF US WERE TALKING.
- WELL, WHO WAS TALKING?
WHO'S THE "SOME OF US" WHO WERE TALKING?
- IT WAS JUST ME AND RAY...
- RAY?
- AND DEBRA. - DEBRA?
DEBRA WAS TALKING ABOUT ME? WHAT WAS SHE SAYING?
- WAIT--WHY DOES DEBRA BOTHER YOU MORE THAN RAY?
YOU KNOW, YOU CARE WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT HER OPINION.
- WHAT I CARE ABOUT IS YOU TRAVELING THE COUNTRYSIDE GOING,
"WHO HAS A CURE FOR MY HUSBAND THE LOON?"
- I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP. - I DON'T NEED ANY HELP.
- BUT WOULDN'T IT BE GOOD TO FINALLY DEAL WITH YOUR...
LITTLE CHIN PROBLEM?
- OH, PROBLEM. I SEE. SO NOW I HAVE A PROBLEM.
WAS THAT THE VERDICT IN RAY AND DEBRA'S KANGAROO COURT?
- ROBERT, PLEASE. - LOOK, LOOK.
YOU THINK I HAVE A PROBLEM?
WELL, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE--MAYBE--MAYBE YOU HAVE THE PROBLEM, UH, MISSY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHAT ABOUT--WHAT ABOUT--
WHAT ABOUT THE WAY YOU EAT, HUH?
AND THE-- [smacking]
- I DON'T EAT LIKE THAT!
- OH, YES. YES, YOU DO EAT LIKE THAT.
AND--AND-- AND YOU WALK FUNNY!
[high-pitched voice] HI.
I'M AMY! - ROBERT!
- UH-HUH, MAYBE YOU DON'T THINK YOU WALK LIKE THAT, BUT YOU DO.
AND EVERY DAY,
THE WORLD PRETENDS NOT TO NOTICE.
SO MAYBE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO NEEDS THE HELP
BECAUSE I AM PERFECTLY FINE!
- ROBERT, STOP IT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- I BELIEVE I'LL BE SLEEPING AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE TONIGHT.
THEY LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM!
- WHAT IS IT, MARIE? - OH, THANK GOD.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU WERE YELLING
LIKE A CRAZY LADY ON THE PHONE.
THAT'S NOT YOU.
- COME HERE.
- SO? HOSE HIM OFF,
WE'LL ROLL HIM BACK IN THE OCEAN.
- MARIE, WHAT'S GOING ON?
- ROBBIE AND AMY HAD A BIG FIGHT,
AND HE SPENT THE NIGHT HERE. - OOH, WHAT HAPPENED?
- I DON'T KNOW. HE WON'T TELL ME ANYTHING.
- ALL RIGHT, I'M SURE IT'S NO BIG DEAL. COME ON.
- HE'S NOT MOVING BACK!
I FINALLY HAD THE BOTH OF YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE.
THERE WAS ONLY ONE MORE TO GO.
- HE'S RUINING HIS LIFE AGAIN.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY BOYS
THAT THEY HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE WITH WOMEN.
- OH, MA.
IT'S NORMAL FOR COUPLES TO FIGHT, OKAY?
REMEMBER THAT, IN CASE YOU AND DAD EVER HAVE ONE.
- HELLO, PROBLEM SOLVERS.
- WHAT?
- YOU TWO. HAVE YOU MET THESE TWO?
THEY'RE GREAT, MA. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO?
BECAUSE THEY ARE SO PERFECT AND WITHOUT FLAW,
THEY GET TOGETHER WITH, SAY, SOMEBODY'S WIFE,
AND THEY MAKE HER BELIEVE THAT HER HUSBAND BELONGS
IN A RUBBER ROOM WITH A CHIN GUARD.
IT'S QUITE A GIFT.
- SHE SHOULD'VE JUST GOT THE DOG FUNNEL.
- ROBERT, AMY CAME TO US.
SHE WAS JUST LOOKING FOR A WAY TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR...
- BOOPITY-BOOP.
- LOOK, ALL I KNOW IS,
WHEN I LEFT FOR WORK YESTERDAY MORNING,
MY WIFE WAS FINE WITH ME,
AND AFTER AN HOUR WITH YOU TWO,
SHE WANTED TO STRAP ME TO A BED AT BELLEVUE.
- OH, ROBERT, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!
- YEAH, YOU COULDN'T FIT INTO ONE OF THOSE BEDS.
- HOW ABOUT I FIT YOU INTO A JELLY JAR?
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A JELLY JAR?
- MANY TIMES! MANY TIMES! - THEN WE'LL GO IN!
- I GO IN FOR NOTHING! - PLEASE, ROBBIE!
YOU TWO SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES.
WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO--TO BUTT INTO PEOPLE'S LIVES?
- YES!
- WHAT, YOU THINK YOU CAN HELP HIM
AFTER I SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE TRYING?
PLEASE.
THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO IS PRETEND THAT HE'S FINE
AND LET HIM BLEND INTO SOCIETY AS BEST HE CAN.
- HELLO, EVERYBODY. ROBERT.
- HEY.
- OH, SEE, ROB, EVERYTHING IS FINE.
- YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER AND KISS YOUR WIFE
ON YOUR WAY OUT OF MY HOUSE?
- OH! A KISS IS A GOOD IDEA.
HERE WE GO!
- IT'S OKAY, MARIE.
- NO, IT'S NOT OKAY.
YOU TWO HAVE TO KISS,
AND THEN I'LL GIVE YOU A BIG BOWL OF ICE CREAM.
- LOOK, ROBERT...
I DID A LOT OF THINKING LAST NIGHT,
AND I'M SORRY.
I REALIZED SOMETHING.
YOU'VE BEEN DOING YOUR LITTLE...THING
A LOT MORE LATELY,
NOT BECAUSE OF YOUR JOB OR MY FAMILY OR...
OTHER FAMILIES.
BUT I THINK THE REAL REASON IS...
BECAUSE YOU HATE BEING MARRIED.
[sobs]
- OH, NO, AMY, THAT CAN'T BE IT.
- YEAH, I HATE BEING MARRIED,
AND I DON'T DO ANY GOOFY CRAP.
- NO.
NOW IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
I MEAN, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS REMEMBER THE 13 TIMES WE BROKE UP
TO SEE THAT MAYBE ROBERT'S NOT COMFORTABLE WITH COMMITMENT.
I TRIED TO HELP YOU OVERCOME ALL THAT,
BUT OBVIOUSLY... I FAILED.
- OH. OH, AMY! AMY!
NO, DON'T CRY! YOU'RE WRONG.
I'M HAPPY BEING MARRIED. I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER!
- I'M HAPPY TOO!
- LISTEN, I LOST MY TEMPER LAST NIGHT,
AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE.
AND ALL THOSE THINGS I SAID ABOUT YOU,
THEY'RE NOT TRUE.
YOU HAVE THE CUTEST WALK I'VE EVER SEEN,
AND YOU DON'T EAT LIKE A BEAVER!
- WHAT HAPPENED OVER THERE LAST NIGHT?
- LISTEN, SWEETIE, I'M SORRY.
I LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU TOO.
BYE, NOW!
- WE HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE, BOO-BOO.
YOU CAN RELAX.
AND IF YOU RELAX, THEN MAYBE I'LL RELAX,
AND THEN, WHO KNOWS,
MAYBE THAT'LL BE THE END OF...
CRAZY CHIN.
- HE SAID WE HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE!
- HOW ABOUT ANOTHER KISS?
- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
I MEAN, FORGIVE ME, ROBERT,
BUT, YOU KNOW, WHY DO YOU DO THE CHIN THING?
- UH... HAVE YOU NOT BEEN FOLLOWING?
- NO, I MEAN,
I-I UNDERSTAND ABOUT STRESS.
BUT OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD DO TO DEAL WITH STRESS,
YOU KNOW, LIKE GRIND YOUR TEETH
OR BITE YOUR NAILS...
- PULL YOUR HAIR OUT.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, ROBERT?
I MEAN, WHY DO YOU DO THAT SPECIFIC THING?
WHY DO YOU TOUCH FOOD TO YOUR CHIN?
- BECAUSE THE VOICES TELL ME TO.
YOU HAPPY NOW?
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
- GUYS, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE.
YOU CALL THAT "WELL ENOUGH"?
- COME ON, ROBERT. TELL US. I WANT TO KNOW.
WHY DO YOU DO THE MONKEY MOVE?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- ROBBIE, YOU'RE WITH FAMILY. YOU CAN TELL US.
- I DON'T KNOW!
- I-I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I SAW HIM DO IT.
YEAH, IT WAS EASTER, AND I WAS, LIKE, FIVE.
AND MOM, SHE MADE THE MISTAKE
OF LEAVING ME AND ROBERT ALONE WITH OUR EASTER BASKETS.
SO WE JUST STARTED SHOVING CANDY IN OUR MOUTHS
AS FAST AS WE COULD.
AND ROBERT WAS--WAS TOUCHING EVERYTHING TO HIS CHIN.
I WAS ONLY FIVE,
BUT I STILL THINK I SAID, "WHAT THE HELL?"
ANYWAY, MOM COMES IN AND GOES,
"YOU TWO WEREN'T EATING CANDY BEFORE DINNER, WERE YOU?"
AND WE PLAYED IT TOTALLY COOL.
WE SAID, "NO, MOMMY, NO," AND--AND I THOUGHT,
"FOR SURE, WE'RE GOING TO GET AWAY WITH IT."
AND THEN I LOOK UP, AND STICKING TO ROBERT'S CHIN...
IS THE TAIL OF A MARSHMALLOW DUCK.
- AND WHAT DID I DO TO TEACH YOU TWO A LESSON?
both: GAVE OUR CANDY TO POOR CHILDREN.
- IT WAS DELICIOUS.
- OKAY, SO WAIT, ROBERT,
MAYBE YOU WERE NERVOUS ABOUT BEING CAUGHT BY MARIE,
AND SO YOU... FORGOT HOW TO EAT.
- REALLY?
THAT'S WHAT YOU LEARNED IN COLLEGE?
WHAT, WAS IT ONE OF THOSE HAIR COLLEGES?
- OH, ROBERT WAS DOING IT BEFORE THEN, ANYWAY.
I REMEMBER ONE TIME--
- OH, GOD, IT'S LIKE THE SPECIAL PSYCHO EDITION
OF "THIS IS YOUR LIFE."
- I REMEMBER ONE TIME, I TOOK HIM TO THE LODGE,
AND HE SPOTTED A JAR OF PICKLES ON THE BAR.
SO I GIVE HIM ONE.
AND HE STARTS DOING HIS THING,
AND ALL MY BUDDIES START FEEDING HIM MORE PICKLES
TO WATCH HIM DO IT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT TURNS OUT THOSE PICKLES WERE ON THAT BAR
WHEN THE LODGE OPENED IN 1952.
ROBERT THREW UP LIKE NIAGARA FALLS!
[laughing]
OH, WELL.
DOES THAT SOLVE YOUR MYSTERY?
- NO, BUT NOW WE KNOW WHY ROBERT SCREAMS AT PICKLES.
- NO, THAT'S-- THAT'S INTERESTING, FRANK.
CANDY...
AND PICKLES...
- IT'S LIKE WATCHING FREUD WORK.
- I NEVER CARED HOW THE FOOD GOT IN THE BOYS' MOUTHS
AS LONG AS THEY ATE.
BUT I REMEMBER DINNERTIME.
RAYMOND WOULD BE SITTING IN HIS LITTLE HIGH CHAIR,
AND FRANK ALWAYS HAD TO WORK LATE BACK THEN.
IT WAS A WONDERFUL TIME.
AND I WOULD FEED RAYMOND HIS SWEET POTATOES AND PEAS.
AND YOU'D MAKE THE CUTEST FACES.
I'M TELLING YOU,
HE SHOULD'VE BEEN ON COMMERCIALS.
HE WAS SO MUCH CUTER THAN THAT GERBER BABY.
- OH, NOT CUTER. WE WERE BOTH CUTE.
I REMEMBER I'D GET A BIG SPOONFUL,
AND I WOULD SAY...
"HERE COMES AN AIWPWANE IN FOR A WANDING!"
- MA, PLEASE.
- COME ON! - STOP IT.
- YOUR AIWPWANE'S WAITING.
- STOP IT. NO. - COME ON!
- ZOOM! ZOOM! ZOOM!
THERE WE GO. OH, THERE!
OH, OOPS, OOPS, OOPS.
WE DON'T WANT THE AIRLINE TO LOSE YOUR LUGGAGE.
HERE YOU GO. THERE.
THERE'S THAT CUTE FACE! HEE HEE!
- ALL RIGHT, MA. OKAY!
- WAIT A MINUTE.
MARIE...
WHERE WAS ROBERT WHEN YOU WERE FEEDING CUTE, LITTLE RAYMOND?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- OKAY, WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS?
MARIE, BEFORE RAY WAS BORN,
DO YOU REMEMBER DOING THE AIRPLANE THING TO ROBERT?
- SURE.
- SO ISN'T IT POSSIBLE
THAT WHILE YOU WERE WIPING RAY'S CHIN,
ROBERT WAS FEELING NEGLECTED,
AND THAT'S WHEN HE STARTED TAKING CARE OF HIMSELF?
SO YOU SEE, ROBERT, WHEN RAY CAME ALONG,
YOU STARTED TOUCHING FOOD TO YOUR CHIN AS A SUBCONSCIOUS WAY
OF TRYING TO GET YOUR MOTHER'S ATTENTION AGAIN.
AND NOW, THAT'S YOUR WAY OF DEALING WITH ANY KIND OF STRESS.
THAT MAKES SENSE, RIGHT?
SEE? I TOLD YOU I WOULD GET IT!
I'M SORRY, ROBERT.
- WHO WANTS A BIG BOWL OF ICE CREAM?
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
- NOTHING'S WRONG WITH YOU, ROBERT.
- NO?
MY KID BROTHER ARRIVES, AND FROM THEN ON,
I GOT TO RUB LUNCH ON MY FACE?
- ROBERT, I KNOW IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT RIGHT NOW,
BUT THIS IS A GOOD MOMENT FOR YOU.
YOU UNDERSTAND SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF,
AND NOW THAT YOU UNDERSTAND IT, YOU CAN STOP IF YOU WANT.
- YEAH, BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
IS THAT WE ALL HAVE TO REMEMBER
THAT YOUR PROBLEM WAS NOBODY'S FAULT.
HERE YOU GO, RAYMOND.
- HAPPY WANDING.
- HEY THERE, CUBBY.
- HEY.
WHAT? WHAT'S WITH YOU?
- OH, NOTHING.
JUST THINKING ABOUT THAT CHIN THING THAT I DO.
THAT'S RIGHT, I'M TALKING ABOUT IT.
THAT'S THE FIRST STEP IN GETTING OVER SOMETHING:
ACCEPTANCE AND TALKING.
I'M SEEING DR. GREENBERG.
- AH.
OH, THAT'S GOOD. GREAT.
- YEAH, AND, YOU KNOW, HE MADE ME REALIZE
THAT JUST BECAUSE I HAVE LEGITIMATE EXCUSES
FOR DOING SOMETHING
DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO KEEP ON DOING IT.
STARTING TODAY,
I'M NOT TOUCHING ANY FOOD TO MY CHIN.
- ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
[laughs]
ALL RIGHT, GOOD. GOOD FOR YOU, MAN.
- THE KNICKS ARE CRAZY IF THEY DON'T RENEW HIS CONTRACT.
- DID YOU SEE RAY BARONE'S COLUMN ABOUT THAT?
- HEY, HEY, HEY! HE'S TALKING ABOUT ME.
- YEAH, HE'S RIGHT ON THE MONEY.
- HE USUALLY IS.
- YOU KNOW, I THINK RAY BARONE'S
THE BEST COLUMNIST IN NEW YORK, HANDS DOWN.
[buzzer sounds]
- THAT'S THE END OF THE QUARTER WITH THE KNICKS UP BY FIVE.
- OH, MAN! WHY WASN'T I TAPING THAT?
- YEAH, THAT WAS GOOD.
GOOD FOR YOU, RAYMOND.